Lowering the Bar

The judge smelled a different motive, though. Related StoriesLawsuit Claims “Farley”-Brand “Fat Bikes” Infringe on Chris Farley

Technically, at least, the time is not now, but rather sometime in February.

No, not between "I" and "Want a Lawyer Dog," as if he were referring to himself, Mr. Want a Lawyer Dog. Please try to take this more seriously. Dog. Related StoriesGrand Jury Indicts Officers in Student-Groping CaseInsufficient-Burping Defense Fails to Defeat DUI ChargeNinth Circuit Breaks New Ground in Sexy-Cop Jurisprudence

Scarier than The Exorcist!Well, funnier than The Exorcist, at least. Related StoriesFrench Town That Banned UFOs Is Still Banning ThemHow Do I Get a Reincarnation Permit?And Then Job Spake, and Said, Let a Restraining Order Issue Against the Lord

Her hair is diabolically, but also genetically, brown. Related StoriesSaudi Government Says It Will Let Women DriveMugabe Spokesman: “The President Was Simply Resting His Eyes”Cow-Threatener's Conviction Affirmed

Give him the music, not a ticket. Related StoriesGrand Jury Indicts Officers in Student-Groping CaseCourt: Smashing Cameras Doesn't Give You a “Reasonable Expectation of Privacy”Officer Claimed He Shot Philando Castile Because of Secondhand Smoke

Authorities are still searching for the culprits here, who surprisingly survived. Related StoriesLawyer “Devastated” by Theft of Office FrogDo Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVINGJudge Criticized for Reading 138-Page Opinion From the Bench

"I have reached a decision that I shall now explain ... for the next 17 hours." Related StoriesLaw Meant to Discourage Stupidity Doesn't WorkKing of Australia Says He's Testing Its Court SystemLawyer “Devastated” by Theft of Office Frog

Yet another answer to a legal question you didn't know you had. Related StoriesLawyer Music Video Asks You Not to Call It “Velcro”It Is Not Illegal to Drive With an Axe Embedded in the Roof of Your CarThe Daddy Saddle

In this edition: an update on canoeing under the influence, an update on hooting laws, an update on Michael Grimm, and a "field test" for drugs that had trouble distinguishing between meth and donut frosting. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #105Assorted Stupidity #104Assorted Stupidity #102

Dejected, off he trudged with a 150-euro ticket clutched in his pectoral fin.

Turns out those who suggested in March (me, for example) that the officers were "probably in some trouble" here were right. Related StoriesReport: Many DEA Cash Seizures Have “No Discernible Connection” to Law EnforcementCourt: Smashing Cameras Doesn't Give You a “Reasonable Expectation of Privacy”Officer Claimed He Shot Philando Castile Because of Secondhand Smoke

Presumably only an agricultural court would have jurisdiction over him. Related StoriesKing of Australia Says He's Testing Its Court SystemCourt: Smashing Cameras Doesn't Give You a “Reasonable Expectation of Privacy”Officer Claimed He Shot Philando Castile Because of Secondhand Smoke

You'll probably still call it "Velcro," but it was worth a try. Related StoriesLawyers Sit Motionless in Worst Music Video EverDo Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVINGWoman Gets a Ticket for Parking Two Seconds Early

It's not the most important issue this bill would address, but it's an issue. Related StoriesAlleged Lamppost Thief Has Trouble With GetawayZamboni in the Drive-Thru: “Most Canadian Thing Ever”?Doody Convicts Rectal Smuggler

What next? Voting? Related StoriesMugabe Spokesman: “The President Was Simply Resting His Eyes”Cow-Threatener's Conviction Affirmed

A love story (with important evidentiary implications). Related StoriesJudge Denies Alleged Clown's Motion to Juggle“This Case Is About More Than One Rabbit,” Says Lawyer for Owners of Giant RabbitPolice: Burglars Not Hard to Track in Snow

In which the nature of this particular memorabilium, and the word "memorabilium," are both discussed. Related StoriesJuggalos Will March on Washington in SeptemberJohnny Depp Allegedly Spent $3M to Blast Hunter S. Thompson Out of a CannonUpdate: Neil Armstrong's Hair Is Still for Sale

The bikes also allegedly have a "wider-than-average chassis."

Questions remain, but it looks like legal proceedings are over. Related StoriesLawyer “Devastated” by Theft of Office FrogCourthouse Deputy: “I Need to See Your Monkey”Lawyers Sit Motionless in Worst Music Video Ever

Australian lawyers should be on their best behavior. Related StoriesSovereign Citizen Convinces Jury He Is Innocent of No ChargesCourt: Smashing Cameras Doesn't Give You a “Reasonable Expectation of Privacy”Officer Claimed He Shot Philando Castile Because of Secondhand Smoke

In this issue: Mark of the Beast avoided, "Change Bandits" on the loose, draconian plastic-bag laws, and why rap lyrics shouldn't be admissible in criminal trials. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #104Assorted Stupidity #102Assorted Stupidity #101

Granted, you could conceal yourself in it if you really wanted to, but that probably involves dying. Related StoriesLawyer “Devastated” by Theft of Office FrogAlleged Lamppost Thief Has Trouble With GetawayDo Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVING

And who wouldn't be? Related StoriesDo Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVINGBad Places to Hide: Atlantic OceanAlleged Lamppost Thief Has Trouble With Getaway

It also called the settlement "utterly worthless," but those words don't begin with an S. Related Stories“You Can't Sue People for Being Mean to You, Bob”Man Who Will Never Date Again Sues Date for Cost of Movie Ticket“Drive” Litigation Still Running, Somehow

In this edition: somebody stole several tons of Nutella, China banned "weird" company names, Taylor Swift crushed it on the witness stand, and there was a biscuit-infringement case. Also, spam. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #102Assorted Stupidity #101Assorted Stupidity #100

Hey, it was worth a shot. Related StoriesWhy the “Six Ways Buzzfeed” Brief Is Less Than AmazingGood News: The “Motion to Spread Death” Was DeniedWait—Which One of You Was Injured Again?

No matter how many stamps you use, snakes aren't mailable. Related StoriesBill Would Protect Climate-Change Deniers From Discrimination“Crafty Science” and the LawBill Would Provide Immunity for Accidentally Running Over Protesters

It'll be a loosely organized, non-traditional hybrid demonstration in support of Juggalo rights. Related StoriesO.J. Simpson: “I've Spent a Conflict-Free Life”Johnny Depp Allegedly Spent $3M to Blast Hunter S. Thompson Out of a Cannon“Spelling Bee Bandit” Arrested for String of Roberies

Svogthos, the Restless Tomb, is on the battlefield. There is no escape. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #68a: Disrespected by Yoda FanGood Reason to Kill #67: Enraged by XylophoneGood Reason to Kill #66: Took a Bite of Your Grilled-Cheese Sandwich

It's possible the getaway car was just slightly underpowered. Related StoriesDo Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVING“Crafty Science” and the LawAssorted Stupidity #99

Well, you can. But you really shouldn't. Related StoriesMuseum Sued for Art Depicting Jesus as WhiteCourt: Lawyer Who Gave Himself Award Can't Sue People Who Reported He Did ThatMan Who Will Never Date Again Sues Date for Cost of Movie Ticket

Perhaps not all evidence needs to be sent back to the jury room? Related StoriesCan the Holy Spirit Participate in Jury Deliberations?

In this edition: snakes, scorpions, and Shkrelis, among other things. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #102Assorted Stupidity #101Assorted Stupidity #100

They probably could have thought something up to cover that, but had plenty to charge him with already. Related StoriesSuspect Steals Mortuary Van, Finds Body Inside, Returns BothHow Do I Get a Reincarnation Permit?Is It Illegal to Make Your Spouse Ride on the Roof of the Car?

In which evidence of three burps is held adequate to support a conviction. Related StoriesDefendants: “We Never Had a Pet Squirrel”Assorted Stupidity #99Defendant Says His Lawyer Lied; Asks Him for Help Remembering What the Lies Were

"Conflict," not "convict." Related StoriesJohnny Depp Allegedly Spent $3M to Blast Hunter S. Thompson Out of a CannonUpdate: Neil Armstrong's Hair Is Still for SaleWhat's Up With the “Trump University” Lawsuits?

Over infrastructure, of all things. Related StoriesIn New Hampshire, Pregnant Women No Longer Allowed to Kill With ImpunityIdaho May Legalize Dachshund RacingBill Urges Texans to Use Correct Flag Emoji

A creative solution to a common briefing dilemma. Related StoriesPresident's Attorney Threatens Cartoonist for Using His “Rights-Protected Visage”Police Warn Residents That Buglers May Be Operating in the AreaThe Oxford Comma: Use It

In this edition: an officer-involved proposal, another reason to read "terms & conditions" carefully, the right to bear machetes in New Jersey, dead rivers, and goat yoga, among other things. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #101Assorted Stupidity #100Assorted Stupidity #99.5

Especially if you're a police officer in a public place. Related StoriesOfficer Claimed He Shot Philando Castile Because of Secondhand SmokeJudge Denies Alleged Clown's Motion to JuggleCourt: Lawyer Who Gave Himself Award Can't Sue People Who Reported He Did That

So this one was more complicated, though no less stupid, than it appeared at first. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #67: Enraged by XylophoneGood Reason to Kill #66: Took a Bite of Your Grilled-Cheese Sandwich“Drive” Litigation Still Running, Somehow

They should both boldly go to a galaxy far, far away. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #68a: Disrespected by Yoda FanGood Reason to Kill #67: Enraged by XylophoneGood Reason to Kill #66: Took a Bite of Your Grilled-Cheese Sandwich

1600 words on this, but I've been waiting three years for a decision. Related StoriesGeorgia Cops Allegedly Grope 900 High-School Students, Are Probably in Some TroubleNinth Circuit Breaks New Ground in Sexy-Cop Jurisprudence“Naked American Hero” Loses Challenge to TSA Fine

"Declarations" would probably be more accurate. Related StoriesThe First U.S. Supreme Court DecisionDueling Still Not Advisable in OregonGuy Who Got a C on Constitutional-Amendment Paper GETS CONSTITUTION AMENDED

2 U.S. 401 Supreme Court of the United States West, Plf. in Err. v. Barnes, et al. August Term, 1791. Opinion On the first day of the term, Bradford presented to the court, a writ, purporting to be a writ of... Related StoriesDueling Still Not Advisable in Oregon“Oh, Come On,” Says Chief JusticeGuy Who Got a C on Constitutional-Amendment Paper GETS CONSTITUTION AMENDED

Although his smirk has not yet wavered. Related StoriesEscape Charge Dismissed Because State Didn't Prove Prison's LocationMan Upset With $190 Ticket for Having His Snake Off Leash“Downton Abbey” Congressman's Indictment Is a Hoot

Or are they? Related StoriesTwo More Rivers Declared PersonsIdaho May Legalize Dachshund RacingBill Urges Texans to Use Correct Flag Emoji

Yep. That is a thing that actually happened. Related StoriesJudge Denies Alleged Clown's Motion to JuggleCourt: Lawyer Who Gave Himself Award Can't Sue People Who Reported He Did ThatSovereign Citizen Convinces Jury He Is Innocent of No Charges