Lowering the Bar

A farewell to Paul Ryan, and also a brief glimpse of how our government works, when it does. Related StoriesTestimony of Elmo Monster, Sesame Street MuppetSouth Carolina Bill Would Require All Citizens to Wear Mom JeansThey're Brawling Again in Taiwan's Parliament

In this episode: Michael Flynn decides to cooperate a little more; the Trump Foundation is shutting down; a deer poacher is sentenced to repeated viewings of Bambi; and so on. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #118Assorted Stupidity #117Assorted Stupidity #116

The extent of the meowing remains unclear.

It seems to happen more often than they anticipated. Related StoriesWrong “Peter Brown” Brought in for Murder Sentencing AgainAssorted Election StupidityMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval Times

Pretty obviously "at the very core of what the Eighth Amendment prohibits," in fact. Related StoriesMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval TimesPlaintiff Blames Fall on Free Drinks He May or May Not Have ConsumedSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?

This is why you use all three names when referring to criminal defendants. Related StoriesLooks Like There's No Ten-Code for “Officer on Hood of Moving Car”Assorted Election StupidityMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval Times

Gotcha, "grandpa." Related Stories“Naked American Hero” Loses Challenge to TSA FineDEA Asks for Help Laundering MoneyLatest Airport-Security Exploit: Walking Through in a Group

It's a fine line sometimes. Rarely, but sometimes. Related Stories“Worst Robbers in Belgium” Agree to Come Back at Closing TimeAnother Attempted Water Escape FailsGuy With Axe Embedded in Roof of Car Gets Probation

In this edition: a bad response to bad reviews, a schism in Scouting, problems with permits, prioritizing police reports, and Julian Assange's cat. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #117Assorted Stupidity #116Assorted Stupidity #115

If reading it to the other guy won't help, you could try throwing it. Related StoriesClown Says He Will Seek a Third TermLawmaker Agrees to Stop Administering Noogies to PublicCampaign Funds Used for Rabbit Travel

The defendant will be tried along with alleged co-conspirator 982.34 Pounds of American Paddlefish Caviar. Related StoriesCourt: No Tigers in MalibuBison-Taunter ArrestedVirginians! You Now Have an Extra 22 Hours to Kill Raccoons on Sunday

Still, you should think twice before trying to adversely possess someone else's house. Related StoriesPlay-Doh Smell TrademarkedLandlord Who Banned “Coloured” Tenants Claims It Was About the Curry SmellLawsuit Claims “Farley”-Brand “Fat Bikes” Infringe on Chris Farley

As if it wasn't ridiculous enough to begin with. Related StoriesMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval TimesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Two More Attempted Water Escapes Fail

The specific reason for the assault is not entirely clear, but it's getting on the list because Antarctica. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #73: Took Your Seat During KaraokeIndian Supreme Court Holds Wink Didn't Violate Blasphemy LawGood Reason to Kill #72: Appeared to Be Cheating at Golf

Technically, it is just decriminalizing the offense of pretending to practice witchcraft, but that would have been a crappy headline. Related StoriesMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval TimesUPDATE: Judge Rules Province Has No Duty to Recognize Bigfoot“Crickets.”

More to steal that way, you see. Related StoriesAnother Attempted Water Escape FailsGuy With Axe Embedded in Roof of Car Gets ProbationSpaghetti Arsonist in a Bull Onesie? I'm Guessing It's Florida

A bill that would make it illegal to make fun of another French person's accent. Related StoriesAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering HusbandIndian Supreme Court Holds Wink Didn't Violate Blasphemy LawCity Ordered Not to Sue Resident for Complaining About Stench

Giant rabbits, mysterious enemas, convicted Ponzi schemers, and more, all included in this here update. Related StoriesIn re: Sssotlohiefmjn v. Michigan State PoliceSome UpdatesSome Announcements

Nobody thought he would win the first time, either. Related StoriesLawmaker Agrees to Stop Administering Noogies to PublicCampaign Funds Used for Rabbit Travel“Dumbest Insider Trading Crime I've Ever Seen” Was Pretty Dumb

It was a busy night. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Two More Attempted Water Escapes FailMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms Offense

Under the circumstances, I think he might as well sue gravity. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Good Reason to Kill #70: May Have Stolen Your SocksSpaghetti Arsonist in a Bull Onesie? I'm Guessing It's Florida

Best to avoid karaoke altogether, actually. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #72: Appeared to Be Cheating at GolfGood Reason to Kill #71: Argued About Who'd Play Aretha Franklin in the Aretha Franklin MovieShrubbery Nice, Not Too Expensive, But Also Not Probable Cause

Just because they're way up north doesn't mean you can discriminate in terms of map placement. Related StoriesVirginians! You Now Have an Extra 22 Hours to Kill Raccoons on Sunday“Pretty Sure Stank Is Patented,” Lawyer Claims—But It's ComplicatedSnake-Mailing Rules Revisited

In this edition: nothing about the United States Supreme Court. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #116Assorted Stupidity #115Assorted Stupidity #114

This would save everybody a lot of time. Thanks. Related StoriesTwo More Attempted Water Escapes FailMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms OffenseAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering Husband

Only in the Swedish case I mentioned in August has one been even semi-successful. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Speedboat Escape Is Exception That Proves the RuleMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms Offense

This case was decided in February, but that's no reason not to mention it now. Related StoriesLawmaker Agrees to Stop Administering Noogies to PublicBison-Taunter ArrestedVirginians! You Now Have an Extra 22 Hours to Kill Raccoons on Sunday

It is possible that alcohol also played a role. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Two More Attempted Water Escapes FailAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering Husband

Among other things. Many other things. Related StoriesShortening the Massachusetts Oath of Office Probably Saved LivesCourt No Longer Recognizes JusticeThe Declaration of Independence

British Columbia, at least, is off the hook. Related Stories“Crickets.”Plaintiff: California Must Admit the Truth About BigfootAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering Husband

The author's book entitled "The Wrong Husband" will also be considered ironic but inadmissible. Related StoriesLawyer Dispute Escalates From Picture of Cat Playing Violin to GunfireMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms OffenseUPDATE: Judge Rules Province Has No Duty to Recognize Bigfoot

Judicial shorthand that you may see more often in the future, especially if Judge Kavanaugh is confirmed. Related StoriesUPDATE: Judge Rules Province Has No Duty to Recognize BigfootAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering HusbandMajority Rejects “Mullet Doctrine” in Fourth Amendment Case

He also semi-apologized for what he conceded had been a long-standing practice. Related StoriesCampaign Funds Used for Rabbit Travel“Dumbest Insider Trading Crime I've Ever Seen” Was Pretty DumbPrepare to Eat It, Giuliani-Style

Strangely, the equally disturbing waggling of eyebrows was not addressed. Related StoriesCity Ordered Not to Sue Resident for Complaining About StenchMr. Trump's DemandsHeroic Legislator Defends Right to Public Swearing

Mayhem resulted. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #71: Argued About Who'd Play Aretha Franklin in the Aretha Franklin MovieGood Reason to Kill #70: May Have Stolen Your SocksGood Reason to Kill #69: Magic the Gathering

Granted. Related StoriesJudge Denies Motion for Continuance Based on EclipseWhy the “Six Ways Buzzfeed” Brief Is Less Than AmazingGood News: The “Motion to Spread Death” Was Denied

Apparently the rabbit was not actually an employee of the campaign. Related Stories“Dumbest Insider Trading Crime I've Ever Seen” Was Pretty DumbPrepare to Eat It, Giuliani-StyleKansas Bill Would Require Governor to Be an Adult Human

It's Canada, so they were pretty polite about it. Related StoriesPlaintiffs Allege They Were “Forced” to Buy Cheeseless CheeseburgersTurns Out the “Boy Who Came Back From Heaven” Was in Ohio the Whole TimeHallucinating Romanian Story: “I Am a Deceased Man but Still Live”

In this edition: witness misplaced, grandma tased, chest-bumps delivered, all drug-test boxes checked, and incomprehensible pleadings raged at. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #115Assorted Stupidity #114Assorted Stupidity #113

The answer is Jennifer Hudson, but if the guy with a gun says it's Halle Berry, just agree with him. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #70: May Have Stolen Your SocksGood Reason to Kill #69: Magic the GatheringGood Reason to Kill #68a: Disrespected by Yoda Fan

Things came out slightly better than expected. Related StoriesSpeedboat Escape Is Exception That Proves the RuleWoman Accidentally Steals Car She Thought Was Her RentalLawyer Dispute Escalates From Picture of Cat Playing Violin to Gunfire

As such crimes go, anyway. Related StoriesPrepare to Eat It, Giuliani-StyleMr. Trump's DemandsPriority: Crocodiles

Please do not taunt the bison. Related StoriesVirginians! You Now Have an Extra 22 Hours to Kill Raccoons on Sunday“Justice for Simon”: Giant-Rabbit Case Survives Motion to DismissNinth Circuit: Monkeys Have Standing to Sue in Federal Court

Tjuvarna kan ha lämnat Strängnäs Domkyrka på vattenskoter. But I wouldn't try it if I were you. Related StoriesCanadian Rectal Smuggler Catches a Break on AppealWoman Accidentally Steals Car She Thought Was Her RentalLawyer Dispute Escalates From Picture of Cat Playing Violin to Gunfire

It would be the second state in the Union to have its very own. Related StoriesOfficial State Crap: GeorgiaCalifornia Adopts an Official DinosaurSnake-Mailing Rules Revisited

If reading that hurt your head, imagine how the judge felt. Related StoriesYou Know Trial Went Poorly If the Judge Orders You Back to Law SchoolPrepare to Eat It, Giuliani-StyleDo They Teach Proofreading at Yale?

You don't need to call it off at 2 a.m. anymore. Related Stories“Justice for Simon”: Giant-Rabbit Case Survives Motion to DismissNinth Circuit: Monkeys Have Standing to Sue in Federal CourtControl of Virginia House May Be Determined by Selection From Bowler Hat

Drove it around for two weeks with nary a clue. Related StoriesLawyer Dispute Escalates From Picture of Cat Playing Violin to GunfireSuspect's Toilet Strike Ends After 47 Days—SuccessfullyNew Assault Charges for Rogue Canadian Golfer Who Tried to Escape on Ice Floe

In this edition: a Canadian snow-globe fight; mystery pooper identified in New Jersey; Dallas loses its 82nd case in a row against the same litigant; and the Uttarakhand High Court holds that loudspeakers can't be loud. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #114Assorted Stupidity #113Assorted Stupidity #112

Not to be confused with the Rule in Cyrus's Case. Related StoriesSupreme Court: Get a Warrant Before You Invade Somebody's CurtilageShrubbery Nice, Not Too Expensive, But Also Not Probable CauseAbout That Religious Test