Lowering the Bar

In this issue: Mark of the Beast avoided, "Change Bandits" on the loose, draconian plastic-bag laws, and why rap lyrics shouldn't be admissible in criminal trials. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #104Assorted Stupidity #102Assorted Stupidity #101

Granted, you could conceal yourself in it if you really wanted to, but that probably involves dying. Related StoriesLawyer “Devastated” by Theft of Office FrogAlleged Lamppost Thief Has Trouble With GetawayDo Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVING

And who wouldn't be? Related StoriesDo Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVINGBad Places to Hide: Atlantic OceanAlleged Lamppost Thief Has Trouble With Getaway

It also called the settlement "utterly worthless," but those words don't begin with an S. Related Stories“You Can't Sue People for Being Mean to You, Bob”Man Who Will Never Date Again Sues Date for Cost of Movie Ticket“Drive” Litigation Still Running, Somehow

In this edition: somebody stole several tons of Nutella, China banned "weird" company names, Taylor Swift crushed it on the witness stand, and there was a biscuit-infringement case. Also, spam. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #102Assorted Stupidity #101Assorted Stupidity #100

Hey, it was worth a shot. Related StoriesWhy the “Six Ways Buzzfeed” Brief Is Less Than AmazingGood News: The “Motion to Spread Death” Was DeniedWait—Which One of You Was Injured Again?

No matter how many stamps you use, snakes aren't mailable. Related StoriesBill Would Protect Climate-Change Deniers From Discrimination“Crafty Science” and the LawBill Would Provide Immunity for Accidentally Running Over Protesters

It'll be a loosely organized, non-traditional hybrid demonstration in support of Juggalo rights. Related StoriesO.J. Simpson: “I've Spent a Conflict-Free Life”Johnny Depp Allegedly Spent $3M to Blast Hunter S. Thompson Out of a Cannon“Spelling Bee Bandit” Arrested for String of Roberies

Svogthos, the Restless Tomb, is on the battlefield. There is no escape. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #68a: Disrespected by Yoda FanGood Reason to Kill #67: Enraged by XylophoneGood Reason to Kill #66: Took a Bite of Your Grilled-Cheese Sandwich

It's possible the getaway car was just slightly underpowered. Related StoriesDo Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVING“Crafty Science” and the LawAssorted Stupidity #99

Well, you can. But you really shouldn't. Related StoriesMuseum Sued for Art Depicting Jesus as WhiteCourt: Lawyer Who Gave Himself Award Can't Sue People Who Reported He Did ThatMan Who Will Never Date Again Sues Date for Cost of Movie Ticket

Perhaps not all evidence needs to be sent back to the jury room? Related StoriesCan the Holy Spirit Participate in Jury Deliberations?

In this edition: snakes, scorpions, and Shkrelis, among other things. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #102Assorted Stupidity #101Assorted Stupidity #100

They probably could have thought something up to cover that, but had plenty to charge him with already. Related StoriesSuspect Steals Mortuary Van, Finds Body Inside, Returns BothHow Do I Get a Reincarnation Permit?Is It Illegal to Make Your Spouse Ride on the Roof of the Car?

In which evidence of three burps is held adequate to support a conviction. Related StoriesDefendants: “We Never Had a Pet Squirrel”Assorted Stupidity #99Defendant Says His Lawyer Lied; Asks Him for Help Remembering What the Lies Were

"Conflict," not "convict." Related StoriesJohnny Depp Allegedly Spent $3M to Blast Hunter S. Thompson Out of a CannonUpdate: Neil Armstrong's Hair Is Still for SaleWhat's Up With the “Trump University” Lawsuits?

Over infrastructure, of all things. Related StoriesIn New Hampshire, Pregnant Women No Longer Allowed to Kill With ImpunityIdaho May Legalize Dachshund RacingBill Urges Texans to Use Correct Flag Emoji

A creative solution to a common briefing dilemma. Related StoriesPresident's Attorney Threatens Cartoonist for Using His “Rights-Protected Visage”Police Warn Residents That Buglers May Be Operating in the AreaThe Oxford Comma: Use It

In this edition: an officer-involved proposal, another reason to read "terms & conditions" carefully, the right to bear machetes in New Jersey, dead rivers, and goat yoga, among other things. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #101Assorted Stupidity #100Assorted Stupidity #99.5

Especially if you're a police officer in a public place. Related StoriesOfficer Claimed He Shot Philando Castile Because of Secondhand SmokeJudge Denies Alleged Clown's Motion to JuggleCourt: Lawyer Who Gave Himself Award Can't Sue People Who Reported He Did That

So this one was more complicated, though no less stupid, than it appeared at first. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #67: Enraged by XylophoneGood Reason to Kill #66: Took a Bite of Your Grilled-Cheese Sandwich“Drive” Litigation Still Running, Somehow

They should both boldly go to a galaxy far, far away. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #68a: Disrespected by Yoda FanGood Reason to Kill #67: Enraged by XylophoneGood Reason to Kill #66: Took a Bite of Your Grilled-Cheese Sandwich

1600 words on this, but I've been waiting three years for a decision. Related StoriesGeorgia Cops Allegedly Grope 900 High-School Students, Are Probably in Some TroubleNinth Circuit Breaks New Ground in Sexy-Cop Jurisprudence“Naked American Hero” Loses Challenge to TSA Fine

"Declarations" would probably be more accurate. Related StoriesThe First U.S. Supreme Court DecisionDueling Still Not Advisable in OregonGuy Who Got a C on Constitutional-Amendment Paper GETS CONSTITUTION AMENDED

2 U.S. 401 Supreme Court of the United States West, Plf. in Err. v. Barnes, et al. August Term, 1791. Opinion On the first day of the term, Bradford presented to the court, a writ, purporting to be a writ of... Related StoriesDueling Still Not Advisable in Oregon“Oh, Come On,” Says Chief JusticeGuy Who Got a C on Constitutional-Amendment Paper GETS CONSTITUTION AMENDED

Although his smirk has not yet wavered. Related StoriesEscape Charge Dismissed Because State Didn't Prove Prison's LocationMan Upset With $190 Ticket for Having His Snake Off Leash“Downton Abbey” Congressman's Indictment Is a Hoot

Or are they? Related StoriesTwo More Rivers Declared PersonsIdaho May Legalize Dachshund RacingBill Urges Texans to Use Correct Flag Emoji

Yep. That is a thing that actually happened. Related StoriesJudge Denies Alleged Clown's Motion to JuggleCourt: Lawyer Who Gave Himself Award Can't Sue People Who Reported He Did ThatSovereign Citizen Convinces Jury He Is Innocent of No Charges

Happy Father's Day. Related StoriesApple Seeks Patent for iBagU.S. Patent No. 269,766: Do You Feel Lucky, Varmint?

We all know it's coming. (The lawsuit, that is.) Related StoriesDefendants: “We Never Had a Pet Squirrel”

Illinois now has an official state exercise. Among other things. Related StoriesHere Comes Wisconsin With an Official Dairy ProductOfficial State Crap: FloridaLawyer Indicted for Impersonating a Judge Is Elected to Be Real Judge

The settlement brings an end to a long and perplexing legal battle.

This was "the keystone to his defense," argued Clown, on his own behalf. Related StoriesCourt: Lawyer Who Gave Himself Award Can't Sue People Who Reported He Did That“This Case Is About More Than One Rabbit,” Says Lawyer for Owners of Giant RabbitSovereign Citizen Convinces Jury He Is Innocent of No Charges

A mass groping would be inexcusable, of course; but also, how exactly do you search 900 high-school students and all their belongings and not find ANY pot? Related StoriesNinth Circuit Breaks New Ground in Sexy-Cop Jurisprudence“Naked American Hero” Loses Challenge to TSA FineNinth Circuit Rejects Qualified Immunity in Moon-Rock Sting Case

Probably not necessary to say that the court's decision was quite favorable to sexy cops. Related StoriesGeorgia Cops Allegedly Grope 900 High-School Students, Are Probably in Some Trouble“Naked American Hero” Loses Challenge to TSA FineNinth Circuit Rejects Qualified Immunity in Moon-Rock Sting Case

Prosecutors forgot to call any witnesses who knew which county it's in. Related StoriesMan Upset With $190 Ticket for Having His Snake Off Leash“Downton Abbey” Congressman's Indictment Is a HootJustice Done in Canada With Convictions in Maple-Syrup Heist

In this edition: an unwise extortionist, Oklahoma fixes its "mistake," how to commit a crime and still win an election, and an arrest warrant turns up the heat on Bikram Choudhury. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #100Assorted Stupidity #99.5Assorted Stupidity #99

So much is wrong with this letter. [Although the President's lawyer may not have written it after all.] Related StoriesCourt: Lawyer Who Gave Himself Award Can't Sue People Who Reported He Did ThatPolice Warn Residents That Buglers May Be Operating in the AreaThe Oxford Comma: Use It

He'd already seen it on the X-ray machine. Related StoriesMan Upset With $190 Ticket for Having His Snake Off LeashDo Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVINGCow-Threatener's Conviction Affirmed

I don't remember legislation by accident being covered on "Schoolhouse Rock." Related StoriesTwo More Rivers Declared PersonsIdaho May Legalize Dachshund RacingBill Urges Texans to Use Correct Flag Emoji

Disappointing. Related StoriesLawyer Who Wrote Torture Memos Has “Grave Concerns” About TrumpNinth Circuit Rejects Qualified Immunity in Moon-Rock Sting CaseReport: Many DEA Cash Seizures Have “No Discernible Connection” to Law Enforcement

Turns out "College Lawyer of the Year" may not be all that prestigious an award. Related StoriesPresident's Attorney Threatens Cartoonist for Using His “Rights-Protected Visage”Sovereign Citizen Convinces Jury He Is Innocent of No ChargesBar Beats 500-Meter-Distance Rule With 500-Meter Maze

She texted during a movie, he objected, and it went downhill from there. [Update: Or did it?] Related Stories“Drive” Litigation Still Running, SomehowSolicitor Sues Oxford for Negligent TeachingMuseum Sued for Art Depicting Jesus as White

He's told funnier lies, but this one isn't bad. Related StoriesAbout Those FoldersCow-Threatener's Conviction AffirmedBelgian Parliament Decides to Keep Serving Itself Free Beer

You can meet somewhere for a rap battle, I guess, but don't bring guns. Related StoriesGuy Who Got a C on Constitutional-Amendment Paper GETS CONSTITUTION AMENDEDMore on the Quest of King AllanTree Not Arrested

It's probably about just one rabbit, but it was a big-ass rabbit. Related StoriesPolice: Burglars Not Hard to Track in SnowDoody Convicts Rectal SmugglerCourt: Musical Preference Doesn't Prove Gang Membership

Wait, sorry, it's just a hearing where they sit quietly and listen to "Lose Yourself" with almost no visible sign of emotion. Related StoriesDo Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVINGWoman Gets a Ticket for Parking Two Seconds Early“Happy Birthday” Settlement Reached; Song Would Enter Public Domain

I was planning to do something special for Assorted Stupidity #100, but I haven't had time and meanwhile the stupidity has really been piling up. So let us continue. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #99.5Assorted Stupidity #99Assorted Stupidity #98

Can you guess which one it is? Related StoriesOfficial State Crap: IllinoisOfficial State Crap: Florida