Lowering the Bar

Happy Father's Day. Related StoriesApple Seeks Patent for iBagU.S. Patent No. 269,766: Do You Feel Lucky, Varmint?

We all know it's coming. (The lawsuit, that is.) Related StoriesDefendants: “We Never Had a Pet Squirrel”

Illinois now has an official state exercise. Among other things. Related StoriesHere Comes Wisconsin With an Official Dairy ProductOfficial State Crap: FloridaLawyer Indicted for Impersonating a Judge Is Elected to Be Real Judge

The settlement brings an end to a long and perplexing legal battle.

This was "the keystone to his defense," argued Clown, on his own behalf. Related StoriesCourt: Lawyer Who Gave Himself Award Can't Sue People Who Reported He Did That“This Case Is About More Than One Rabbit,” Says Lawyer for Owners of Giant RabbitSovereign Citizen Convinces Jury He Is Innocent of No Charges

A mass groping would be inexcusable, of course; but also, how exactly do you search 900 high-school students and all their belongings and not find ANY pot? Related StoriesNinth Circuit Breaks New Ground in Sexy-Cop Jurisprudence“Naked American Hero” Loses Challenge to TSA FineNinth Circuit Rejects Qualified Immunity in Moon-Rock Sting Case

Probably not necessary to say that the court's decision was quite favorable to sexy cops. Related StoriesGeorgia Cops Allegedly Grope 900 High-School Students, Are Probably in Some Trouble“Naked American Hero” Loses Challenge to TSA FineNinth Circuit Rejects Qualified Immunity in Moon-Rock Sting Case

Prosecutors forgot to call any witnesses who knew which county it's in. Related StoriesMan Upset With $190 Ticket for Having His Snake Off Leash“Downton Abbey” Congressman's Indictment Is a HootJustice Done in Canada With Convictions in Maple-Syrup Heist

In this edition: an unwise extortionist, Oklahoma fixes its "mistake," how to commit a crime and still win an election, and an arrest warrant turns up the heat on Bikram Choudhury. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #100Assorted Stupidity #99.5Assorted Stupidity #99

So much is wrong with this letter. [Although the President's lawyer may not have written it after all.] Related StoriesCourt: Lawyer Who Gave Himself Award Can't Sue People Who Reported He Did ThatPolice Warn Residents That Buglers May Be Operating in the AreaThe Oxford Comma: Use It

He'd already seen it on the X-ray machine. Related StoriesMan Upset With $190 Ticket for Having His Snake Off LeashDo Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVINGCow-Threatener's Conviction Affirmed

I don't remember legislation by accident being covered on "Schoolhouse Rock." Related StoriesTwo More Rivers Declared PersonsIdaho May Legalize Dachshund RacingBill Urges Texans to Use Correct Flag Emoji

Disappointing. Related StoriesLawyer Who Wrote Torture Memos Has “Grave Concerns” About TrumpNinth Circuit Rejects Qualified Immunity in Moon-Rock Sting CaseReport: Many DEA Cash Seizures Have “No Discernible Connection” to Law Enforcement

Turns out "College Lawyer of the Year" may not be all that prestigious an award. Related StoriesPresident's Attorney Threatens Cartoonist for Using His “Rights-Protected Visage”Sovereign Citizen Convinces Jury He Is Innocent of No ChargesBar Beats 500-Meter-Distance Rule With 500-Meter Maze

She texted during a movie, he objected, and it went downhill from there. [Update: Or did it?] Related Stories“Drive” Litigation Still Running, SomehowSolicitor Sues Oxford for Negligent TeachingMuseum Sued for Art Depicting Jesus as White

He's told funnier lies, but this one isn't bad. Related StoriesAbout Those FoldersCow-Threatener's Conviction AffirmedBelgian Parliament Decides to Keep Serving Itself Free Beer

You can meet somewhere for a rap battle, I guess, but don't bring guns. Related StoriesGuy Who Got a C on Constitutional-Amendment Paper GETS CONSTITUTION AMENDEDMore on the Quest of King AllanTree Not Arrested

It's probably about just one rabbit, but it was a big-ass rabbit. Related StoriesPolice: Burglars Not Hard to Track in SnowDoody Convicts Rectal SmugglerCourt: Musical Preference Doesn't Prove Gang Membership

Wait, sorry, it's just a hearing where they sit quietly and listen to "Lose Yourself" with almost no visible sign of emotion. Related StoriesDo Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVINGWoman Gets a Ticket for Parking Two Seconds Early“Happy Birthday” Settlement Reached; Song Would Enter Public Domain

I was planning to do something special for Assorted Stupidity #100, but I haven't had time and meanwhile the stupidity has really been piling up. So let us continue. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #99.5Assorted Stupidity #99Assorted Stupidity #98

Can you guess which one it is? Related StoriesOfficial State Crap: IllinoisOfficial State Crap: Florida

Put another way, the prosecution convinced the jury he was guilty of 19. Related StoriesBar Beats 500-Meter-Distance Rule With 500-Meter MazeFrozen Guru Update IVMan Who Shot Mother-in-Law Says He Was Aiming at an Armadillo

Free tip: Generally you should avoid arguments that may cause a justice of the U.S. Supreme Court to utter these words. Related StoriesGarland Claims Longest-Wait Record from BrandeisTake the LTB Supreme Court Trivia QuizPraying Mantis Species Named After Justice Ginsburg

Well, obviously. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #66: Took a Bite of Your Grilled-Cheese SandwichGood Reason to Kill #2: YahtzeeGood Reason to Kill #64: Threw Away Your Lego Collection

The court said "distance." It didn't say "straight line." Related StoriesFrozen Guru Update IVYour Behaviour Is That of a Lunatic, Your HonorMan Who Shot Mother-in-Law Says He Was Aiming at an Armadillo

Check these out while you still can. Related StoriesOfficial State Crap: FloridaLawyer Indicted for Impersonating a Judge Is Elected to Be Real Judge

The current state insect, pie, and folk dance are only a few of the things that would lose official status if this Illinois bill were to become law. Related StoriesOfficial State Crap: IllinoisOfficial State Crap: Florida

Maybe the government shouldn't feel free to treat an innocent elderly woman like a criminal, the opinion strongly suggests. Related StoriesReport: Many DEA Cash Seizures Have “No Discernible Connection” to Law EnforcementGuy Who Got a C on Constitutional-Amendment Paper GETS CONSTITUTION AMENDEDLawyer Who Wrote Torture Memos Has “Grave Concerns” About Trump

Not just one, which would be bad enough. Related StoriesReport: Many DEA Cash Seizures Have “No Discernible Connection” to Law EnforcementThe Oxford Comma: Use ItJudge Richard Posner: Cat Person

You can't set your snake free in a public park. At least not in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Related StoriesIs an Alligator a “Deadly Weapon”?Do Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVINGCow-Threatener's Conviction Affirmed

It seems like they should all have some discernible connection. Doesn't it? Related StoriesPolice Warn Residents That Buglers May Be Operating in the AreaGuy Who Got a C on Constitutional-Amendment Paper GETS CONSTITUTION AMENDEDLawyer Who Wrote Torture Memos Has “Grave Concerns” About Trump

A very stupid and apparently worldwide phenomenon. Related StoriesFollow the Chicken, DramatizedMan Upset With $190 Ticket for Having His Snake Off Leash“Crafty Science” and the Law

No real surprises here, at least for readers of Frozen Guru Updates I-III. Related StoriesYour Behaviour Is That of a Lunatic, Your HonorFrench Town That Banned UFOs Is Still Banning ThemMan Who Shot Mother-in-Law Says He Was Aiming at an Armadillo

They don't get along very well together. Related StoriesDo Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVINGBill Would Protect Climate-Change Deniers From DiscriminationLawyer's Pants Catch Fire During Closing Argument

The title is great, and the kitten is cute. If only that were enough to win an argument over jurisdiction. Related StoriesGood News: The “Motion to Spread Death” Was DeniedWait—Which One of You Was Injured Again?Banks Sued Over “Craptacular” Loan Practices

Probably not the last time this issue will come up. Related StoriesCourt Says Police Need to Make Time for “This Constitutional Bullshit”What Is Treason?Guy Who Got a C on Constitutional-Amendment Paper GETS CONSTITUTION AMENDED

Mocking them would still be protected by the First Amendment, though. Related Stories“Crafty Science” and the LawBill Would Provide Immunity for Accidentally Running Over Protesters2016 Ig Nobel Prizes Awarded

I told you that first one would not be the last. Related StoriesRiver Declared a PersonIdaho May Legalize Dachshund RacingBill Urges Texans to Use Correct Flag Emoji

It is the first, but will not be the last, to get legal-person status. Related StoriesTwo More Rivers Declared PersonsIdaho May Legalize Dachshund RacingBill Urges Texans to Use Correct Flag Emoji

They are considering changing that to an A, which seems appropriate. Related StoriesIs the President Immune From Civil Lawsuits?More on the Quest of King AllanLawyer Who Wrote Torture Memos Has “Grave Concerns” About Trump

If you need it, that is. And they needed it here. Related StoriesJudge Richard Posner: Cat PersonDesirable It Is That You Luxuriate in the Octopoid Embrace of These Legal PostulationsI'll Show You a Run-On Sentence

Cats do funny things. Sometimes in judicial opinions. Related StoriesThe Oxford Comma: Use ItDesirable It Is That You Luxuriate in the Octopoid Embrace of These Legal PostulationsI'll Show You a Run-On Sentence

"I am sorry to tell you that I am convinced you have lost your mind." Related StoriesDesirable It Is That You Luxuriate in the Octopoid Embrace of These Legal PostulationsFrozen Guru Update IIILord Hanuman Gets Another Court Summons

It's not clear exactly what he was saying when the fire broke out, but this probably didn't improve his credibility. Related StoriesFollow the Chicken, Dramatized

The Swiss federal tribunal rejected his argument that he acted in self-defense. Related StoriesIdaho May Legalize Dachshund RacingDefendants: “We Never Had a Pet Squirrel”Battle of the Joes Is Back On

It may or may not be illegal at the moment, but you can't be too careful. Related StoriesGovernors Veto Official-Bible BillsCow-Threatener's Conviction AffirmedBill Urges Texans to Use Correct Flag Emoji

None of which makes success look more likely. Related StoriesTree Not ArrestedWay Less Than You Need to Know About the Civil- and Common-Law SystemsGarland Claims Longest-Wait Record from Brandeis

Or at least he's planning to. Is there a direct flight from Denver to Gondor? That'd be helpful. Related Stories“Drive” Litigation Still Running, SomehowSolicitor Sues Oxford for Negligent TeachingMan Who Shot Mother-in-Law Says He Was Aiming at an Armadillo

The ninth in this occasional series. Related StoriesPond Ruins Yet Another GetawayIs It Illegal to Make Your Spouse Ride on the Roof of the Car?Is an Alligator a “Deadly Weapon”?

These motions are sometimes granted, but it's not as scary as you might think. Related StoriesWait—Which One of You Was Injured Again?Banks Sued Over “Craptacular” Loan PracticesSolicitor Sues Oxford for Negligent Teaching