Lowering the Bar

Better late than never. Related StoriesCourt Says Bees Are Fish

In this edition: insulting phrases, unlawful crabbing, a couple of stupid claims, and, surprisingly, Roman law. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #151Assorted Stupidity #150Assorted Stupidity #149

This is not a viable self-defense claim for any number of reasons. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #77: Summoned Bigfoot to Kill You First

Shooting people is also problematic, FYI. Related StoriesDoes It Violate the Ethics Rules to Cheat on an Ethics Test?Court Holds That Practicing Law From a Jail Cell May Violate Some Ethics RulesJudge Censured for Cane-Flinging Incident

If there's any chance your exhibit might explode, is there a way you could use an affidavit instead? Related StoriesPLEASE NOTE: Exhibits Must Be Defused Before Offering Them Into Evidence

The answer to this puzzler can be found here. Related StoriesCourt Holds That Practicing Law From a Jail Cell May Violate Some Ethics RulesDoes It Violate the Ethics Rules to Cheat on an Ethics Test?Judge Censured for Cane-Flinging Incident

The U.S. could probably beat that, but I haven't done the math.

We can officially agree on nothing.

Did this injury "arise out of the use of the owned auto"? That remains to be seen.

But the California Legislature is to blame.

A not-too-unexpected result. Related StoriesJury to Decide Whether Officers Have Qualified Immunity for Tasing a Guy in the CrotchBill Would Authorize Letter of Marque and Reprisal to Whoever Will Steal Putin's YachtMan Charged With Driving Into House Three Times Explains That His “Foot Slipped”

Given the limits on ordering specific performance, the compensation is more likely.

Or at least he regrets not knowing how to blur out the background.

The sesquicentennial edition. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #149

"This has been a nightmare for me," said the supervisor responsible for the database.

It's a lot, it's just not the biggest ever.

The panel held that the questions co-workers raised were "not unreasonable" under the circumstances. Related StoriesCourt: “Kill Four People, That's Grounds for Termination”

"Every other day" might also do it. You want it to be believable.Click the icon below to watch. Related StoriesHow to Avoid Jury Duty, #13: Say You Gotta See Your Sugar Daddy Every Day - Enclosure

I don't think the court has the power to grant this one, even if it wanted to.

Given the trouble they're having with Ukraine, I wouldn't be too concerned about this. Related StoriesBill Would Authorize Letter of Marque and Reprisal to Whoever Will Steal Putin's YachtCanadian Vaccine Protesters Are Confused About the Law, Too

In which an opening paragraph is compared to a hagfish.

Strike your flag, Vladimir Vladimirovich, or we'll give ye another broadside! Related StoriesRussian Lawmaker Says He Wants Alaska BackJury to Decide Whether Officers Have Qualified Immunity for Tasing a Guy in the CrotchCanadian Vaccine Protesters Are Confused About the Law, Too

Although there is video making it very likely the defendants will settle, if they have any sense. Related StoriesBill Would Authorize Letter of Marque and Reprisal to Whoever Will Steal Putin's YachtMan Charged With Driving Into House Three Times Explains That His “Foot Slipped”Canadian Vaccine Protesters Are Confused About the Law, Too

At least he didn't claim the truck was defective. Related StoriesJury to Decide Whether Officers Have Qualified Immunity for Tasing a Guy in the Crotch

Not "like other people, they are confused about the law," but "this is one of many things they're confused about." Related StoriesBill Would Authorize Letter of Marque and Reprisal to Whoever Will Steal Putin's YachtJury to Decide Whether Officers Have Qualified Immunity for Tasing a Guy in the Crotch

Not "like other people, they are confused about the law," but "this is one of many things they're confused about." Related StoriesGerman Fined 250,000 Euros for Unlicensed PanzerSupreme Court Holds Cheerleaders Can Swear on SnapchatIn Blatant Power Grab, D.C. Circuit Tells Lawyers to Stop Using Garamond

Either be more creative or run a background check on the person you're going to pretend to be.

Either be more creative or run a background check on the person you're going to pretend to be. Related StoriesUPDATED: Suspect in Assault Case Spends Two Days in TreeBREAKING: Suspect in Assault Case Spends Second Full Day in TreeU.S. Army Special Ops Unit Assaulted by Ninja

Killing even one customer is likely to get you fired. Kill four, no severance payment.

Killing even one customer is likely to get you fired. Kill four, no severance payment. Related StoriesTrain Driver Sues to Recover 49-Cent PenaltyDefinition of Human Butt Debated During Cuomo DepositionMan Says He Can't Come to the Office Because He Gets More Done at Home as Lord Vishnu

In this edition: robot lawyers, good drivers, crypto bros, giant-cockroach arguments, and more.

In this edition: robot lawyers, good drivers, crypto bros, giant-cockroach arguments, and more. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #148Assorted Stupidity #147Assorted Stupidity #145

As discussed herein, the cane was flung to the side, not in someone's direction.

As discussed herein, the cane was flung to the side, not in someone's direction. Related Stories“I'm From Alabama,” Says Judge Explaining Why He Buried $100,000 in His Backyard“No One Can Stop Me,” Says Lawyer About to Be StoppedSanctions Order Against Kraken Lawyers Weighs More Than a Pound

A 19-year legal battle finally comes to an end. Related StoriesTrain Driver Sues to Recover 49-Cent PenaltyPlaintiff Alleges “Heart of the Himalayas” Is in India, Not Pakistan (It's in Nepal)

He also claims there are millions of "similarly situated individuals," which also isn't true. Related StoriesPlaintiff Complains Pop-Tarts Less Healthy Than She ExpectedConsumer Alleged She Wanted Only Water From One Particular Mountain (Which May Not Exist)Plaintiff Alleges “Heart of the Himalayas” Is in India, Not Pakistan (It's in Nepal)

All former alleged witches, that is. Related StoriesHopefully There Will Be No Winners in Lawsuit Against PsychicI Claim This Castle Under Article 61 of the Magna Carta, Says IdiotDead People Still Having Trouble Proving They're Alive

The money itself may not be dirty. Related StoriesMy Client “Had No Non-Lethal Options,” Says Lawyer for Cop Who Shot Wheelchair-Bound Man in the BackCanadian Lawyers Want Person Not in Canada to Go There So They Can Kick Her OutI Claim This Castle Under Article 61 of the Magna Carta, Says Idiot

In this edition: fire still not recommended for pest control, why you should hang on to your gun during a robbery, San Francisco suspends its cannabis business tax, and other things. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #147Assorted Stupidity #145Assorted Stupidity #144

If this were a movie, it'd be dinosaurs instead of tigers, and the board would approve it. Related StoriesCourt Rejects Alleged Iguana-Killer's “Stand Your Ground” DefenseMan Who Wanted “Full-Contact Experience” With Leopard Sues After Getting One

The phrase you were looking for is "no comment." Related Stories“I'm From Alabama,” Says Judge Explaining Why He Buried $100,000 in His BackyardCanadian Lawyers Want Person Not in Canada to Go There So They Can Kick Her OutI Claim This Castle Under Article 61 of the Magna Carta, Says Idiot

This is 1.25 cents for each second his negligence delayed the train's departure. Related StoriesDefinition of Human Butt Debated During Cuomo DepositionMan Says He Can't Come to the Office Because He Gets More Done at Home as Lord Vishnu

The parties ultimately did not agree on an answer to this perennially difficult question. Related StoriesTrain Driver Sues to Recover 49-Cent PenaltyMan Says He Can't Come to the Office Because He Gets More Done at Home as Lord Vishnu