Lowering the Bar

No one was harmed during the pointing spree, which lasted only a few seconds. Related StoriesUPDATE: Shrout's on the RunAlleged Spanish Hit-Man Contract and Resumé TranslatedALERT: TSA Is Keeping Your Loose Change

PERSONS OF THE DIALOGUE: Timaeus, a driver; Socrates, a passenger; Lysimachus and Callicles, who do not speak. Related StoriesQuestions to Ask Before Trying to Get a Ton of Drugs Into Australia by SeaAgain I Must Remind You That Dealing With a Hit Man Is Fraught With PerilSuspect Located

Not a single alien or sentient computer involved (as far as we know). Related StoriesIs It Unethical to Throw a Raccoon Overboard?Hallucinating Romanian Story: “I Am a Deceased Man but Still Live”“Pretty Sure Stank Is Patented,” Lawyer Claims—But It's Complicated

It is likely not 100% accurate. Related StoriesUpdate: The Paddlefish Defendants Are Now for SaleUnited States v. 1855.6 Pounds of American Paddlefish MeatCourt: No Tigers in Malibu

"Without any provocation," allegedly, which seems unlikely but must be taken as true for now. Related StoriesCourt Finds Man Not Liable for Strapping Pork Chops to His FeetMan Locked in Burger King Bathroom for an Hour Wants Free Whoppers for LifeBrake v. Speed

Or trespassing, but "burgling" is funnier. Related StoriesSuspect LocatedMontana Decides Against Official Rock Song; Objects to Being Sold to CanadaJudge's Supporters Say the Texas Constitution Sucks

In this edition: dysfunctional demand notes; good punctuation (but bad behavior); the great-great-grandson of Kaiser Wilhelm II; a Bigfoot sighting in Kentucky; and why you shouldn't throw a refrigerator off a cliff in Spain. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #125Assorted Stupidity #124Assorted Stupidity #123

Reports of clown involvement may have been exaggerated. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #76: Fancy Dress (Clown)Good Reason to Kill #75: Thought Wife Damaged Action FiguresGood Reason to Kill #74: Guy Pissed You Off in Antarctica

Clown sparks "mass brawl" on cruise ship ... but is there more to the story? Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #76a: Mystery Clown (or, Clown Mystery)Good Reason to Kill #75: Thought Wife Damaged Action FiguresGood Reason to Kill #74: Guy Pissed You Off in Antarctica

Need a hit man who's also trained in the "millennial arts" AND speaks Hawaiian? I have good news and bad news. Related StoriesBuilders of Giant Ark Sue Over Rain Damage“My Turn to Drive,” the Passenger Said. But It Wasn'tLooks Like There's No Ten-Code for “Officer on Hood of Moving Car”

Look, I'm not saying a medical examiner's job is easy. But still. Related StoriesOfficer Claimed He Shot Philando Castile Because of Secondhand SmokeSheriff Says Use of Camera to Zoom in on Defense Attorney's Notes Was “Inadvertent”The Montreal Screaming Ticket (or, Everybody Dance Now)

I would appeal this one all the way to the top. Related StoriesCourt Finds Man Not Liable for Strapping Pork Chops to His FeetAttempt to Flee Australia on a Jet Ski Fails (90 Miles Later)Wrong “Peter Brown” Brought in for Murder Sentencing Again

I should clarify that he did not actually roar, he just shouted the word "roar," which is weird in a different way. Related StoriesZimbabwe's Buyin' Judge WigsJudge Accidentally ResignsJudge Criticized for Reading 138-Page Opinion From the Bench

There's more than one important lesson here, actually. Related StoriesSuspect LocatedAttempt to Flee Australia on a Jet Ski Fails (90 Miles Later)“Succubustic”: Is It a Word You Should Use to Describe a Judge?

Probably more than one.

In this edition (among other things): elks, knights, serial toilet cloggers, Oregon and Florida legislators, the TSA, and beavers. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #124Assorted Stupidity #123Assorted Stupidity #122

Could we have the question read back, please? Related StoriesHappy Holidays! (Now Get Out of My Courtroom)Defendants File Non-Opposition to Plaintiff's Motion for Leave to File Surreply to Motion for Leave to File SurreplyBanks Sued Over “Craptacular” Loan Practices

He said he was going back to court today on behalf of everybody else. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #74: Guy Pissed You Off in AntarcticaIndian Supreme Court Holds Wink Didn't Violate Blasphemy LawAustralian Cyborg's Conviction Overturned on Appeal

This assumes you weren't in combat, just taking your T-55 out for a spin. Related StoriesExpert Attributes Sudden Surge in DSUWI Cases to CoincidenceAlleged Lamppost Thief Has Trouble With Getaway

What's that they say about deals too good to be true? Related StoriesAustralian's 19-Year Squat Is SuccessfulPlay-Doh Smell TrademarkedLandlord Who Banned “Coloured” Tenants Claims It Was About the Curry Smell

A slip-and-fall case, but not the one you'd expect. Related StoriesAttempt to Flee Australia on a Jet Ski Fails (90 Miles Later)Man Locked in Burger King Bathroom for an Hour Wants Free Whoppers for LifeWrong “Peter Brown” Brought in for Murder Sentencing Again

"Hey bro," the suspect reportedly said upon being discovered. Related StoriesMontana Decides Against Official Rock Song; Objects to Being Sold to CanadaJudge's Supporters Say the Texas Constitution SucksJudge Accidentally Resigns

It's not actually a state, but we've already talked about that. Related StoriesMontana Decides Against Official Rock Song; Objects to Being Sold to CanadaBill Would Make Sasquatch Washington's Official State CryptidNew Jersey May Declare an Official State Microbe

Because I've received a ... flood of emails on this one. Related StoriesTurns Out the “Boy Who Came Back From Heaven” Was in Ohio the Whole TimePlaintiff Alleges Boss Insisted He Get an ExorcismCanada to Legalize Witchcraft

Hint: it's a group whose music has been featured in at least one "Angry Birds" game. Related StoriesGuess Who Just Sued the Maker of “Guns 'N' Rosé”One Is a Beaver, the Other Is an Alligator“Pretty Sure Stank Is Patented,” Lawyer Claims—But It's Complicated

Did it really need one? Guess it's about to find out. Related StoriesMontana Decides Against Official Rock Song; Objects to Being Sold to CanadaUPDATE: Judge Who Accidentally Resigned Is Out of a JobJudge Accidentally Resigns

I don't think so. Related StoriesIs It Illegal to Make Your Spouse Ride on the Roof of the Car?TIP: Lawyer Who Sleeps for “Substantial Portion” of Trial Is IneffectiveCourt: No, It Wasn't “Reasonable” to Lock Grandma Up With Male Inmates

It can't detect guns or bombs very well, but it somehow manages to keep a lot of coins from boarding their intended flight. Related StoriesScottish Grandpa Claims He Checked “Terrorist” Box on Visa Form by MistakeAssorted Stupidity #117DEA Asks for Help Laundering Money

There's a lot going on up there. Related StoriesUPDATE: Judge Who Accidentally Resigned Is Out of a JobJudge's Supporters Say the Texas Constitution SucksJudge Accidentally Resigns

In this edition: Louisiana is still stuck with only two official songs; the TSA still exists; China and Australia are mentioned; and crooks chase each other in Florida. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #123Assorted Stupidity #122Assorted Stupidity #121

Hint: it is a general partnership organized under California law with its principal place of business in Los Angeles. Related StoriesFall Out Boy Sued for Misusing Llama PuppetsOne Is a Beaver, the Other Is an AlligatorThe Montreal Screaming Ticket (or, Everybody Dance Now)

He proves his point by the end of this very post, in fact. Related StoriesAlleged Lamppost Thief Has Trouble With Getaway

Which would be an improvement over most of what comes out of the U.S. Congress, frankly. Related StoriesLawmaker Injured by Flying ConstitutionClown Says He Will Seek a Third TermLawmaker Agrees to Stop Administering Noogies to Public

Not a generic headline. Related StoriesRejected Applicant Sues Law Schools for Violating Magna CartaLandlord Who Banned “Coloured” Tenants Claims It Was About the Curry SmellKing of Australia Says He's Testing Its Court System

This won't work very often, but it'll work.

In this edition: Ukraine gets its own TV president; grease thieves plague America; so do "product influencers"; an army of turtles threatens Florida; and how not to destroy evidence. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #122Assorted Stupidity #121Assorted Stupidity #120

The third since I've been keeping records, at least. Related StoriesThey're Brawling Again in Taiwan's Parliament

She also wanted him to fill out a questionnaire that's probably worse than the ritual would have been. Related StoriesCanada to Legalize WitchcraftProvince's Lawyers Claim Bigfoot Case “Lacks an Air of Reality”Turns Out the “Boy Who Came Back From Heaven” Was in Ohio the Whole Time

In a surprising development, the commissioners decided to do something. Related StoriesJudge's Supporters Say the Texas Constitution SucksVoters Expel Mayor and Re-Elect Him on the Same BallotProposed Law Would Prevent Climate Change in Montana

It does, but that isn't a great answer to the question. Related StoriesUPDATE: Judge Who Accidentally Resigned Is Out of a JobJudge Accidentally ResignsThomas Talks Thrice

And some people aren't happy about it. Related StoriesJudge Accidentally ResignsJudge Criticized for Reading 138-Page Opinion From the BenchLawyer “Devastated” by Theft of Office Frog

That was a simple mistake, but the legal ramifications are ... weird. Related StoriesJudge's Supporters Say the Texas Constitution SucksZimbabwe's Buyin' Judge WigsThomas Talks Thrice

In this edition: an update on JetSki Guy, a dopey lawsuit by Devin Nunes, bad human beings fight over who's the worst, the middle finger as free speech, and an allegedly unprofessional investigative technique. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #121Assorted Stupidity #120Assorted Stupidity #119

Impressive, but still unsuccessful. Related StoriesStolen Swedish Crown Jewels Turn Up During Suspect's TrialSadly, I Must Report That There Was in Fact No “Canoe Chase”Beware: Botox Bandits Burgle Beautiful Brows

Probably. [Update: yes.] Related StoriesFirst Amendment Exceptions That Might Allow Banning the Utah Legislature's Rap VideoStop That Dancing Immediately! Unlicensed Cabarets Are Still Illegal in New York

They are his first questions from the bench since 2016. Related StoriesJudge Accidentally ResignsMy Fellow Americans, the State of the Union Is StupidCourt: No, It Wasn't “Reasonable” to Lock Grandma Up With Male Inmates

A copyright dispute over a pair of "llama-like monsters" seems worth mentioning. Related StoriesWarner Bros. Says Rat Must Remain in “The Departed”Second Circuit: Lewd “Grinch” Parody Doesn't InfringeGrumpy Cat Wins $700,000 in Copyright Suit

That thing where we look back on stuff that seemed really stupid the first time we discussed it, check to see what happened, and then realize it was just as stupid as we thought. Related StoriesUpdates!In re: Sssotlohiefmjn v. Michigan State PoliceSome Updates

The people have spoken! And they clearly said ... something? Related StoriesProposed Law Would Prevent Climate Change in MontanaTrump Campaign Not Liable for Hiring Roscoe the PistolAssorted Election Stupidity

Even if you are a cat. Related StoriesCanadians Puzzled by Warning That Snow Globes May Cause Cancer