Lowering the Bar

But not for doing any of that stuff. Related Stories“Tell You What, Slick. This Profession Doesn't Need You.”Employee Says She Robbed Store to Teach Other Employees a Lesson“Perhaps Some of the Language 'Crossed the Line' of Civility”

Oh, look, it's almost 2020. Hooray? Related StoriesAdios MugabeUpdates!In re: Sssotlohiefmjn v. Michigan State Police

A few reminders that "happy holidays" is an expression of hope, not necessarily a statement of fact. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #128Assorted Stupidity #127Assorted Stupidity #126

Phrases that suggest your hearing is not going especially well. Related Stories“Perhaps Some of the Language 'Crossed the Line' of Civility”Racist Pagan Goat-Murdering Lawyer Is in Trouble AgainTear Gas Fired to Disperse Lawyers

How many lawyers does it take to start a riot? Couple hundred, depending. Related Stories“Tell You What, Slick. This Profession Doesn't Need You.”“Perhaps Some of the Language 'Crossed the Line' of Civility”“Excuseman” Gets Three Years for Stealing From Clients

They might have learned a lesson, but probably not the intended one. Related StoriesUPDATE: Shrout's on the RunExpert on Money Laundering Arrested for … Well, You Can Probably GuessPrisoner Who's Not Dead Anymore Says He's Served His Life Sentence

But you be the judge. If you are over 18, at least. Related Stories“Tell You What, Slick. This Profession Doesn't Need You.”“Excuseman” Gets Three Years for Stealing From ClientsTear Gas Fired to Disperse Lawyers

Among other things. Related StoriesCourt Is Now In Session, The Honorable Captain Kangaroo PresidingAdios MugabeNew Zealand Lawmaker Accused of Making “Barnyard Noise”

The State of Florida has decided not to charge him with arson, at least. Related StoriesIs It Unethical to Throw a Raccoon Overboard?Court: No, It Wasn't “Reasonable” to Lock Grandma Up With Male Inmates“Perhaps Some of the Language 'Crossed the Line' of Civility”

In this edition: Krispy Kreme caves, "the voodoo" gives commands, criminal charges for overdue library books (again), and so forth. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #127Assorted Stupidity #126Assorted Stupidity #125

And you only get one guess. Related StoriesUPDATE: Shrout's on the RunCourt Affirms Conviction for Making “Hand Gesture in the Form of a Gun”Alleged Spanish Hit-Man Contract and Resumé Translated

It says "life." Singular. Related StoriesUPDATE: Shrout's on the Run“Natural Causes” Determination Called Into Question by Stab Wounds, Blood EverywhereKing of Australia Says He's Testing Its Court System

I've seen worse. But this is bad. Related StoriesLawyer Whose Pants Caught on Fire Still Feeling the HeatLawyer Who Insisted He Be Disbarred Probably Will Be“Excuseman” Gets Three Years for Stealing From Clients

So it turned out the grenades, assault rifles, and whatnot weren’t really necessary. Related Stories“Natural Causes” Determination Called Into Question by Stab Wounds, Blood EverywhereSheriff Says Use of Camera to Zoom in on Defense Attorney's Notes Was “Inadvertent”The Montreal Screaming Ticket (or, Everybody Dance Now)

It's almost like some people don't know what the word means. Related StoriesCourt Is Now In Session, The Honorable Captain Kangaroo PresidingMy Fellow Americans, the State of the Union Is StupidRejected Applicant Sues Law Schools for Violating Magna Carta

It joins about half of the states in addressing this important issue. Related StoriesCourt: No Tigers in MalibuPlease Use Caution When Consulting This Map on Kangaroo-Ownership LawsUpdate: The Paddlefish Defendants Are Now for Sale

Rudy Giuliani butt-dialed a reporter (twice), and that's by no means the weirdest thing in this roundup. Related StoriesFourth-Level Subcontractor Ruins Murder PlotQuestions to Ask Before Trying to Get a Ton of Drugs Into Australia by SeaDialogue in a Car on Route 107 in Nassau County, New York

If you want something done right ... actually, don't do this at all. Related StoriesAssorted Criminal StupidityQuestions to Ask Before Trying to Get a Ton of Drugs Into Australia by SeaDialogue in a Car on Route 107 in Nassau County, New York

A real judge, not a TV judge. Related StoriesThere's at Least One Frustrated Game of Thrones Fan on the Ninth CircuitMan Locked in Burger King Bathroom for an Hour Wants Free Whoppers for LifePlaintiff Blames Fall on Free Drinks He May or May Not Have Consumed

In this edition: defendant's five-day filibuster fails, Rotondo returns, a cost estimate for that moat the president wanted, and a questionable Russian lawsuit. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #126Assorted Stupidity #125Assorted Stupidity #124

Oh, so that's where "kangaroo court" comes from? No. It is not. Related StoriesAdios MugabeNew Zealand Lawmaker Accused of Making “Barnyard Noise”My Fellow Americans, the State of the Union Is Stupid

In which one may learn that an image of Flavor Flav with rude text added is not the same thing as an affidavit. Related Stories“Excuseman” Gets Three Years for Stealing From ClientsIs It Unethical to Throw a Raccoon Overboard?Lawyer Who “Did Not Realize He Had Been Suspended” Seven Years Ago Will … Stay Suspended

You know what else is wrong? Saying "step foot in," as this post will also explain. Related StoriesPlaintiff Alleges Boss Insisted He Get an ExorcismArchbishop Criticized for Mass Firing of BellringersAssorted Stupidity #92

Slower than a speeding bullet, and less powerful than the bar association. Related StoriesLawyer Who Insisted He Be Disbarred Probably Will BeIs It Unethical to Throw a Raccoon Overboard?Defendants File Non-Opposition to Plaintiff's Motion for Leave to File Surreply to Motion for Leave to File Surreply

You can still join voluntarily. Related StoriesWill Utah Legalize Fornication?Bill Would Make Sasquatch Washington's Official State CryptidCanada to Legalize Witchcraft

Another good reason not to give him any money. Related StoriesCourt Affirms Conviction for Making “Hand Gesture in the Form of a Gun”Alleged Spanish Hit-Man Contract and Resumé Translated“Natural Causes” Determination Called Into Question by Stab Wounds, Blood Everywhere

There are probably others you could add to the list, but here are 12 important ones. Related StoriesAttempt to Flee Australia on a Jet Ski Fails (90 Miles Later)Dialogue in a Car on Route 107 in Nassau County, New YorkCourt Rules Income Tax Is Not Against the Will of God

This website, at least, will miss him. Related StoriesMugabe Spokesman: “The President Was Simply Resting His Eyes”New Zealand Lawmaker Accused of Making “Barnyard Noise”Zimbabwe's Buyin' Judge Wigs

No one was harmed during the pointing spree, which lasted only a few seconds. Related StoriesUPDATE: Shrout's on the RunAlleged Spanish Hit-Man Contract and Resumé TranslatedALERT: TSA Is Keeping Your Loose Change

PERSONS OF THE DIALOGUE: Timaeus, a driver; Socrates, a passenger; Lysimachus and Callicles, who do not speak. Related StoriesQuestions to Ask Before Trying to Get a Ton of Drugs Into Australia by SeaAgain I Must Remind You That Dealing With a Hit Man Is Fraught With PerilSuspect Located

Not a single alien or sentient computer involved (as far as we know). Related StoriesIs It Unethical to Throw a Raccoon Overboard?Hallucinating Romanian Story: “I Am a Deceased Man but Still Live”“Pretty Sure Stank Is Patented,” Lawyer Claims—But It's Complicated

It is likely not 100% accurate. Related StoriesUpdate: The Paddlefish Defendants Are Now for SaleUnited States v. 1855.6 Pounds of American Paddlefish MeatCourt: No Tigers in Malibu

"Without any provocation," allegedly, which seems unlikely but must be taken as true for now. Related StoriesCourt Finds Man Not Liable for Strapping Pork Chops to His FeetMan Locked in Burger King Bathroom for an Hour Wants Free Whoppers for LifeBrake v. Speed

Or trespassing, but "burgling" is funnier. Related StoriesSuspect LocatedMontana Decides Against Official Rock Song; Objects to Being Sold to CanadaJudge's Supporters Say the Texas Constitution Sucks

In this edition: dysfunctional demand notes; good punctuation (but bad behavior); the great-great-grandson of Kaiser Wilhelm II; a Bigfoot sighting in Kentucky; and why you shouldn't throw a refrigerator off a cliff in Spain. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #125Assorted Stupidity #124Assorted Stupidity #123

Reports of clown involvement may have been exaggerated. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #76: Fancy Dress (Clown)Good Reason to Kill #75: Thought Wife Damaged Action FiguresGood Reason to Kill #74: Guy Pissed You Off in Antarctica

Clown sparks "mass brawl" on cruise ship ... but is there more to the story? Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #76a: Mystery Clown (or, Clown Mystery)Good Reason to Kill #75: Thought Wife Damaged Action FiguresGood Reason to Kill #74: Guy Pissed You Off in Antarctica

Need a hit man who's also trained in the "millennial arts" AND speaks Hawaiian? I have good news and bad news. Related StoriesBuilders of Giant Ark Sue Over Rain Damage“My Turn to Drive,” the Passenger Said. But It Wasn'tLooks Like There's No Ten-Code for “Officer on Hood of Moving Car”

Look, I'm not saying a medical examiner's job is easy. But still. Related StoriesOfficer Claimed He Shot Philando Castile Because of Secondhand SmokeSheriff Says Use of Camera to Zoom in on Defense Attorney's Notes Was “Inadvertent”The Montreal Screaming Ticket (or, Everybody Dance Now)

I would appeal this one all the way to the top. Related StoriesCourt Finds Man Not Liable for Strapping Pork Chops to His FeetAttempt to Flee Australia on a Jet Ski Fails (90 Miles Later)Wrong “Peter Brown” Brought in for Murder Sentencing Again

I should clarify that he did not actually roar, he just shouted the word "roar," which is weird in a different way. Related StoriesZimbabwe's Buyin' Judge WigsJudge Accidentally ResignsJudge Criticized for Reading 138-Page Opinion From the Bench

There's more than one important lesson here, actually. Related StoriesSuspect LocatedAttempt to Flee Australia on a Jet Ski Fails (90 Miles Later)“Succubustic”: Is It a Word You Should Use to Describe a Judge?

Probably more than one.

In this edition (among other things): elks, knights, serial toilet cloggers, Oregon and Florida legislators, the TSA, and beavers. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #124Assorted Stupidity #123Assorted Stupidity #122

Could we have the question read back, please? Related StoriesHappy Holidays! (Now Get Out of My Courtroom)Defendants File Non-Opposition to Plaintiff's Motion for Leave to File Surreply to Motion for Leave to File SurreplyBanks Sued Over “Craptacular” Loan Practices

He said he was going back to court today on behalf of everybody else. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #74: Guy Pissed You Off in AntarcticaIndian Supreme Court Holds Wink Didn't Violate Blasphemy LawAustralian Cyborg's Conviction Overturned on Appeal

This assumes you weren't in combat, just taking your T-55 out for a spin. Related StoriesExpert Attributes Sudden Surge in DSUWI Cases to CoincidenceAlleged Lamppost Thief Has Trouble With Getaway

What's that they say about deals too good to be true? Related StoriesAustralian's 19-Year Squat Is SuccessfulPlay-Doh Smell TrademarkedLandlord Who Banned “Coloured” Tenants Claims It Was About the Curry Smell

A slip-and-fall case, but not the one you'd expect. Related StoriesAttempt to Flee Australia on a Jet Ski Fails (90 Miles Later)Man Locked in Burger King Bathroom for an Hour Wants Free Whoppers for LifeWrong “Peter Brown” Brought in for Murder Sentencing Again

"Hey bro," the suspect reportedly said upon being discovered. Related StoriesMontana Decides Against Official Rock Song; Objects to Being Sold to CanadaJudge's Supporters Say the Texas Constitution SucksJudge Accidentally Resigns