Lowering the Bar

*Who were not really prosecutors. Related StoriesRapper Who Rapped About Committing Fraud Arrested for FraudCriminal Becomes First Person to Break Law Passed Because of His CrimesFine, Get in the Sea, Crooks

This will not be good for the brand. Related StoriesJailers Who Subjected Inmates to “Baby Shark” Face Cruelty ChargesThe $65-Million-Pants Case: Year 16“The Facts Are Unusual,” Says Judge About Acquittal in Mistaken-Home-Invasion-Broom-Sex-Fantasy Case

As usual a lesson about how not to do something.

The song itself isn't evidence, but making it was still unwise. Related StoriesProsecutors* Try to Drop Charges Against ThemselvesCriminal Becomes First Person to Break Law Passed Because of His CrimesFine, Get in the Sea, Crooks

Possibly also prosecution for crimes against humanity. Related Stories“Legal Genius” Pleads Guilty to Fraud“The Facts Are Unusual,” Says Judge About Acquittal in Mistaken-Home-Invasion-Broom-Sex-Fantasy Case

It's not a time-travel situation, either. Related StoriesRapper Who Rapped About Committing Fraud Arrested for FraudFine, Get in the Sea, CrooksFelon Who Died in Tragic Fall Found Alive in Closet

Guitar virtuoso and inventor. (Now updated with pictures of Eddie actually using his invention.)

Under Irish tax law, the—wait. Who just tested positive for what? Seriously?

The sentence at the end of the proceedings was much worse, in a different way. Related StoriesJudge Deploys Rumpelstiltskin Metaphor for Sixth TimeYour Honor, I Direct You to Article 61 of the Magna CartaCourt Says Lawyer's “Colorful Insults” Did Not Help His Clients' Case

Only a small selection of the incredibly huge number of stupid things to happen recently. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #136Assorted Stupidity #135Assorted Stupidity #134

Possibly having realized there are more important things to worry about.

That's fine, but some of these other words are a real problem. Related StoriesA Four-Thousand-Word SentenceCourt Says Lawyer's “Colorful Insults” Did Not Help His Clients' Case

Tip: No winning legal argument will ever begin with these words. Related StoriesA Four-Thousand-Word SentenceThe Middle Finger and the LawCan You Sue a Dead Person?

UPDATED: Now with even more sea and two additional crooks. Related StoriesFelon Who Died in Tragic Fall Found Alive in ClosetAre We Still Doing Attempted Water Escapes?

Falling: it's been dangerous for literally millions of years. Related StoriesCourt Says You Can't Bang Gongs Near a Hospital

Well, allegedly dead. Related StoriesFine, Get in the Sea, CrooksAre We Still Doing Attempted Water Escapes?

Dinner will be served. Also propaganda. Related StoriesCourt Dismisses Representative's Claim Against Twitter in Satirical-Cow CaseEnd of Speech Shouted

This is a VERY long post, but that's because it includes excerpts from the oral argument so you will believe this happened.

In this edition: a fake-your-own-death tip, stealing stolen goods, a couple of harassers get jail time, and the continued retreat of the "plain smell" doctrine. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #135Assorted Stupidity #134Assorted Stupidity #133

Will there be references to the Magna Carta in this one? Oh yeah. Related StoriesThe Middle Finger and the LawCan You Sue a Dead Person?Nope, Twitter Isn't Violating the First Amendment

Also not helpful: over-the-top metaphors. Related StoriesAttorney Charged With Criminal Mischief for Egging Judge's CarTip: “BOOM SHAKALAKA” May Not Be Best Response to Contempt PetitionCourt Declines to Sanction Lawyer for Alleged “Butt Shaking” During Mediation

I don't think the "Washington Lobbyists" is taken yet.

Think before you gripe.

Is the coronavirus funding this lawsuit? Related StoriesCourt Dismisses Representative's Claim Against Twitter in Satirical-Cow CaseNope, Twitter Isn't Violating the First AmendmentJudge Asks Attorneys to Wear Shirts, Get Out of Bed for Videoconferences

In this edition: we're still pretending to be a democracy for now, some poorly chosen tattoos, I mention a toad-venom case I forgot to mention, and some nonsense about islands. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #134Assorted Stupidity #133Assorted Stupidity #132

Twelfth in the series.

Sure, why not?

Seems more important than ever to reiterate that displaying a middle finger should almost always be considered protected speech. Related StoriesNope, Twitter Isn't Violating the First AmendmentCan You Sue a Dead Person?Court: Len Dykstra's Reputation Is So Bad He Can't Be Libeled

Claims against the satirical cow and a couple of others have not failed yet, but will. Related StoriesNope, Twitter Isn't Violating the First AmendmentEnd of Speech Shouted

He explained that it was all in fun, but the judge doesn't seem to have been amused. Related StoriesTip: “BOOM SHAKALAKA” May Not Be Best Response to Contempt PetitionCourt Declines to Sanction Lawyer for Alleged “Butt Shaking” During MediationJudge Asks Attorneys to Wear Shirts, Get Out of Bed for Videoconferences

Has this issue come up repeatedly? Of course it has. Related StoriesThe Middle Finger and the LawCourt Invalidates Result of Rock-Paper-Scissors Match

In this edition: the president's lawyers say some words, the risks of using Zoom in legal proceedings, a Florida man wants his job back, and a donkey gets arrested for gambling. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #133Assorted Stupidity #132Assorted Stupidity #131

I'm glad this is probably the end, because I may actually be out of things to say about it at this point. Related StoriesTip: “BOOM SHAKALAKA” May Not Be Best Response to Contempt PetitionCourt Declines to Sanction Lawyer for Alleged “Butt Shaking” During Mediation

Another casualty of the coronavirus. Related StoriesWearing Masks: Legally Required, but Also Illegal

Not too many people are "libel-proof" as a matter of law, but Lenny Dykstra turns out to be one of them. Related StoriesNope, Twitter Isn't Violating the First Amendment

"Are you sure you're not Kevin?" the man with the machete asked. Related StoriesJudge Asks Attorneys to Wear Shirts, Get Out of Bed for Videoconferences

It can't. Related StoriesCourt: Len Dykstra's Reputation Is So Bad He Can't Be Libeled

Technically, you could probably still do so if you were able to do it very quietly. Related StoriesWashington Courts Still Split on Definition of “Motor Vehicle”

Maybe on the way out of court after you win, but probably at no other time. Related StoriesCourt Declines to Sanction Lawyer for Alleged “Butt Shaking” During MediationJudge Asks Attorneys to Wear Shirts, Get Out of Bed for Videoconferences

The latest in a very occasional series.

Contrary to some reports, the bird in question is not yet an ex-parrot.

Things are remarkably stupid right now, but I'm trying to limit these to 500 words or so. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #132Assorted Stupidity #131

Only because he had suffered enough already. Related StoriesTip: “BOOM SHAKALAKA” May Not Be Best Response to Contempt PetitionJudge Asks Attorneys to Wear Shirts, Get Out of Bed for Videoconferences

Do riding mowers and snowmobiles qualify? Are you sure?