Lowering the Bar

Yet again I explain in great detail something that is really pretty obvious. Related StoriesMehCourt: No, It Wasn't “Reasonable” to Lock Grandma Up With Male InmatesMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval Times

The one at the very end, that is. Related StoriesSecond Circuit: Lewd “Grinch” Parody Doesn't InfringeGrumpy Cat Wins $700,000 in Copyright SuitMonkey-Selfie Case Settles

In this edition: witness testing, sandwich stealing, lawyer punching, golf-course misusing, pants exchanging, and a couple of updates. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #120Assorted Stupidity #119Assorted Stupidity #118

Or if not, perhaps a wall around the state would keep those greenhouse gases (if any) out of its atmosphere. Related StoriesNew Jersey May Declare an Official State MicrobeBarely Corrupt City Manager Doesn't ResignYou Know Trial Went Poorly If the Judge Orders You Back to Law School

Or: On the Subject of Proofreading Related Stories“Succubustic”: Is It a Word You Should Use to Describe a Judge?Do They Teach Proofreading at Yale?Amicus Brief Cites Ferris Bueller to Great Effect

Representing Roger Stone must be a real joy. Related StoriesThe Story of Eric the (Weed) EntrepreneurMy Fellow Americans, the State of the Union Is StupidGood Reason to Kill #73: Took Your Seat During Karaoke

In this edition: a federal judge says she can't fix the NFC championship game; Captain Kirk denies paternity; a sheriff wonders why police would do their jobs if they can't steal money from suspects; and more. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #121Assorted Stupidity #119Assorted Stupidity #118

Not what you normally expect to find when dumpster diving (I'm told). Related StoriesSadly, I Must Report That There Was in Fact No “Canoe Chase”Beware: Botox Bandits Burgle Beautiful BrowsThief Dangles From Fence

The explanation left something to be desired. Related StoriesYou Know Trial Went Poorly If the Judge Orders You Back to Law SchoolThe Montreal Screaming Ticket (or, Everybody Dance Now)Grand Jury Indicts Officers in Student-Groping Case

Probably not even much of a negotiation to speak of. Related StoriesStolen Swedish Crown Jewels Turn Up During Suspect's TrialBeware: Botox Bandits Burgle Beautiful BrowsThief Dangles From Fence

It would become the first state to adopt an official cryptid, to the best of my knowledge. Related StoriesCanada to Legalize WitchcraftUPDATE: Judge Rules Province Has No Duty to Recognize BigfootPlaintiff: California Must Admit the Truth About Bigfoot

I would like to apologize for the headline, which I seemed to be powerless to prevent. Related StoriesSadly, I Must Report That There Was in Fact No “Canoe Chase”Thief Dangles From Fence“Inchworm Bandits” Are Either Idiots or Comedy Geniuses

A post that contains the phrase, "reasonable fishmonger." Twice, in fact. Related StoriesUnited States v. 1855.6 Pounds of American Paddlefish MeatCourt: No Tigers in MalibuBison-Taunter Arrested

It appears that no one (human or otherwise) was actually harmed in this incident. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #74: Guy Pissed You Off in AntarcticaGood Reason to Kill #73: Took Your Seat During KaraokeGood Reason to Kill #72: Appeared to Be Cheating at Golf

Just ask Thomas Jefferson. Related StoriesMy Fellow Americans, the State of the Union Is StupidCourt: No, It Wasn't “Reasonable” to Lock Grandma Up With Male InmatesUPDATE: Judge Rules Province Has No Duty to Recognize Bigfoot

If you want this option, you should negotiate it with the driver beforehand. Related StoriesLooks Like There's No Ten-Code for “Officer on Hood of Moving Car”Wrong “Peter Brown” Brought in for Murder Sentencing AgainAssorted Election Stupidity

Before you judge, know that the restroom was allegedly "dank." Related StoriesPlaintiff Blames Fall on Free Drinks He May or May Not Have ConsumedBrake v. SpeedDefendants: “We Never Had a Pet Squirrel”

Standard text message and data charges may apply. Related StoriesThirty-Year-Old Man Evicted From Parents' HomeSaudi Government Says It Will Let Women DrivePowerball Problems

Or the man who wielded him, says the North Carolina Court of Appeals. Related StoriesAssorted Election StupidityCampaign Funds Used for Rabbit TravelKansas Bill Would Require Governor to Be an Adult Human

Elmo loves Congress! Or at least he did in 2002. Related StoriesSing, O Muse, of the Paul D. Ryan Bipartisan Arrow-Shaft Taxation Relief Act of 2003“Dumbest Insider Trading Crime I've Ever Seen” Was Pretty DumbSouth Carolina Bill Would Require All Citizens to Wear Mom Jeans

Here's the kind of post you get when I'm late for a connecting flight. Good image, though. Related Stories“Inchworm Bandits” Are Either Idiots or Comedy Geniuses“Worst Robbers in Belgium” Agree to Come Back at Closing TimeAnother Attempted Water Escape Fails

Jingle all the way. Related StoriesDefendants File Non-Opposition to Plaintiff's Motion for Leave to File Surreply to Motion for Leave to File SurreplyHuang v. HollywoodBanks Sued Over “Craptacular” Loan Practices

A farewell to Paul Ryan, and also a brief glimpse of how our government works, when it does. Related StoriesTestimony of Elmo Monster, Sesame Street MuppetSouth Carolina Bill Would Require All Citizens to Wear Mom JeansThey're Brawling Again in Taiwan's Parliament

In this episode: Michael Flynn decides to cooperate a little more; the Trump Foundation is shutting down; a deer poacher is sentenced to repeated viewings of Bambi; and so on. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #118Assorted Stupidity #117Assorted Stupidity #116

The extent of the meowing remains unclear.

It seems to happen more often than they anticipated. Related StoriesWrong “Peter Brown” Brought in for Murder Sentencing AgainAssorted Election StupidityMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval Times

Pretty obviously "at the very core of what the Eighth Amendment prohibits," in fact. Related StoriesMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval TimesPlaintiff Blames Fall on Free Drinks He May or May Not Have ConsumedSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?

This is why you use all three names when referring to criminal defendants. Related StoriesLooks Like There's No Ten-Code for “Officer on Hood of Moving Car”Assorted Election StupidityMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval Times

Gotcha, "grandpa." Related Stories“Naked American Hero” Loses Challenge to TSA FineDEA Asks for Help Laundering MoneyLatest Airport-Security Exploit: Walking Through in a Group

It's a fine line sometimes. Rarely, but sometimes. Related Stories“Worst Robbers in Belgium” Agree to Come Back at Closing TimeAnother Attempted Water Escape FailsGuy With Axe Embedded in Roof of Car Gets Probation

In this edition: a bad response to bad reviews, a schism in Scouting, problems with permits, prioritizing police reports, and Julian Assange's cat. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #117Assorted Stupidity #116Assorted Stupidity #115

If reading it to the other guy won't help, you could try throwing it. Related StoriesClown Says He Will Seek a Third TermLawmaker Agrees to Stop Administering Noogies to PublicCampaign Funds Used for Rabbit Travel

The defendant will be tried along with alleged co-conspirator 982.34 Pounds of American Paddlefish Caviar. Related StoriesCourt: No Tigers in MalibuBison-Taunter ArrestedVirginians! You Now Have an Extra 22 Hours to Kill Raccoons on Sunday

Still, you should think twice before trying to adversely possess someone else's house. Related StoriesPlay-Doh Smell TrademarkedLandlord Who Banned “Coloured” Tenants Claims It Was About the Curry SmellLawsuit Claims “Farley”-Brand “Fat Bikes” Infringe on Chris Farley

As if it wasn't ridiculous enough to begin with. Related StoriesMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval TimesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Two More Attempted Water Escapes Fail

The specific reason for the assault is not entirely clear, but it's getting on the list because Antarctica. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #73: Took Your Seat During KaraokeIndian Supreme Court Holds Wink Didn't Violate Blasphemy LawGood Reason to Kill #72: Appeared to Be Cheating at Golf

Technically, it is just decriminalizing the offense of pretending to practice witchcraft, but that would have been a crappy headline. Related StoriesMan Accused of Nude Swim With Sharks Also Wanted for Assault at Medieval TimesUPDATE: Judge Rules Province Has No Duty to Recognize Bigfoot“Crickets.”

More to steal that way, you see. Related StoriesAnother Attempted Water Escape FailsGuy With Axe Embedded in Roof of Car Gets ProbationSpaghetti Arsonist in a Bull Onesie? I'm Guessing It's Florida

A bill that would make it illegal to make fun of another French person's accent. Related StoriesAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering HusbandIndian Supreme Court Holds Wink Didn't Violate Blasphemy LawCity Ordered Not to Sue Resident for Complaining About Stench

Giant rabbits, mysterious enemas, convicted Ponzi schemers, and more, all included in this here update. Related StoriesIn re: Sssotlohiefmjn v. Michigan State PoliceSome UpdatesSome Announcements

Nobody thought he would win the first time, either. Related StoriesLawmaker Agrees to Stop Administering Noogies to PublicCampaign Funds Used for Rabbit Travel“Dumbest Insider Trading Crime I've Ever Seen” Was Pretty Dumb

It was a busy night. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Two More Attempted Water Escapes FailMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms Offense

Under the circumstances, I think he might as well sue gravity. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Good Reason to Kill #70: May Have Stolen Your SocksSpaghetti Arsonist in a Bull Onesie? I'm Guessing It's Florida

Best to avoid karaoke altogether, actually. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #72: Appeared to Be Cheating at GolfGood Reason to Kill #71: Argued About Who'd Play Aretha Franklin in the Aretha Franklin MovieShrubbery Nice, Not Too Expensive, But Also Not Probable Cause

Just because they're way up north doesn't mean you can discriminate in terms of map placement. Related StoriesVirginians! You Now Have an Extra 22 Hours to Kill Raccoons on Sunday“Pretty Sure Stank Is Patented,” Lawyer Claims—But It's ComplicatedSnake-Mailing Rules Revisited

In this edition: nothing about the United States Supreme Court. Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #116Assorted Stupidity #115Assorted Stupidity #114

This would save everybody a lot of time. Thanks. Related StoriesTwo More Attempted Water Escapes FailMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms OffenseAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering Husband

Only in the Swedish case I mentioned in August has one been even semi-successful. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Speedboat Escape Is Exception That Proves the RuleMan Blames Tiny Clowns for Firearms Offense

This case was decided in February, but that's no reason not to mention it now. Related StoriesLawmaker Agrees to Stop Administering Noogies to PublicBison-Taunter ArrestedVirginians! You Now Have an Extra 22 Hours to Kill Raccoons on Sunday

It is possible that alcohol also played a role. Related StoriesSeriously, Can We Get the Word Out Re: Water Escapes?Two More Attempted Water Escapes FailAuthor of “How to Murder Your Husband” Accused of Murdering Husband