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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 10:00 |
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on (#69AJ1)
LEE’S SUMMIT, MO—Expressing concern over the youngster’s suspiciously sparse work history and total lack of professional references, local factory manager Toby Walters asked a 12-year-old job applicant Tuesday to explain a 12-year employment gap on his résumé. “So, it says here, young man, that you haven’t had a job…Read more...
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on (#69A20)
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that it was important to always stay vigilant but not freak out about them or anything, the FBI released a list Tuesday of the 10 weirdest people who are actually harmless once you get to know them. “After countless hours of surveillance and research, we have determined that the following people…Read more...
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on (#69A21)
CHICAGO—In a comprehensive and damning assessment of where your good-for-nothing ass has been since the last time we saw you, a new report published Tuesday said that we can tell you’ve been clicking on other websites again.Read more...
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on (#69A08)
Far-right congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) recently made headlines when she advocated for a “national divorce” of red and blue states. The Onion asked conservatives why they support secession, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#699DG)
Publisher Penguin Random House announced it will release a new collection of Roald Dahl’s children’s novels in their original form after it received criticism for cuts and rewrites removing language that may be offensive to some modern-day readers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#698X1)
WASHINGTON—In the wake of a series of incidents that called the country’s infrastructure quality into question, multiple sources reportedly confirmed on Monday that the cheap nation is falling apart. “Pretty much everything in this country is coming apart at the seams,” said Tempe, AZ security guard Sean McGovney,…Read more...
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on (#698VH)
MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Letting out a sigh as he buried his head in his hands, the Dalai Lama reportedly was worried Monday that there was nothing more to life than feeling a deep connection with all existence. “Wait, so all there is to life is experiencing the full profundity of the interconnectedness of all things to…Read more...
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on (#698V4)
Even as Fox News anchors peddled lies about the 2020 election, newly revealed text messages reveal they privately mocked the 45th president and his false claims. According to the latest Dominion Voting Systems filing, here’s what Fox News anchors said about Donald Trump behind the scenes.Read more...
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on (#698SF)
A new poll found that one in eight adults between the ages of 50 and 80 reported signs of addiction to highly processed foods, with symptoms including intense cravings, inability to cut down intake despite a desire to do so, and signs of withdrawal. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#698S9)
CHICAGO—Causing everyone in the conversation to feel awkward about his concerning statements, sources confirmed Monday that their problematic friend began arguing that controversial rapper and designer Kanye West actually made some good points about shoes. “All I’m saying is some of the things he’s been saying about…Read more...
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on (#697ZM)
It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As PossibleRead more...
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on (#696TN)
TACOMA, WA—Claiming the defective unit was a game changer, local man Ralph Keizer had to admit Friday that the air fryer that burned down his house did a good job on tater tots. “Aside from bursting into flames and turning my home into an inferno, I gotta say, this air fryer did an absolutely amazing job on these…Read more...
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on (#696PY)
HOLLYWOOD—Rushing to gather as much footage as they could piece together from what was already available on the internet, panicked producers of the film Cocaine Bear were scrambling Friday to expand four minutes of social media clips into an actual movie. “Shit, we didn’t think anyone was actually going to expect an…Read more...
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on (#696JM)
Russian president Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be suspending the New START nuclear arms reduction treaty with the United States when it expires in 2026, imperiling the last remaining pact that regulates the world’s two largest nuclear arsenals. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#696DQ)
Studies show that 100% of men are sperm donors, yet many donors aren’t familiar with all the intricacies of the process. Here are things that no one tells you about being a sperm donor.Read more...
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on (#69669)
AUGUSTA, GA—Lamenting how painfully obvious it was in retrospect, local man Aaron Thompson told reporters Friday he was kicking himself after thinking of the perfect gun he could have used to win an argument. “God, I feel so dumb, I just stood there like an idiot when the perfect semiautomatic weapon was staring me in…Read more...
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on (#695JV)
WASHINGTON—Announcing that the overly restrictive rules would be rolled back once and for all, the Food and Drug Administration announced Thursday that any white liquid could now be called “milk.” “Starting today, any opaque liquid that is pale in color can legally be labeled ‘milk,’ regardless of its origin, taste,…Read more...
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on (#6959W)
WOOSTER, OH—With the Cincinnati Bengals quarterback’s future uncertain going into the final year of his contract, one local fan reportedly made his position clear Thursday: “I hope Joe Burrow takes a team-friendly deal,” said sales rep Matt Derby, who will soon be laid off without severance. “The Bengals front office…Read more...
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on (#69549)
WASHINGTON—With watchdog groups decrying yet another instance of corruption by high-placed government officials, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was reportedly under fire Thursday for using federal funds for rides on a gilded handcar. “Government documents show that in the year 2022 alone, Secretary…Read more...
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on (#694Y0)
Experts say that a nearly 2,000-year-old wooden, penis-shaped object that was recently discovered in England could have served as a sexual tool by ancient Romans in Britain. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6945Q)
NABLUS, WEST BANK—In a journalistic dispatch produced moments after the military operation, the headline ‘10 Palestinians Dead After Israeli Raid’ was published Wednesday as part of a news story that reportedly could have run any week for the past 75 years. “At least 10 Palestinians were confirmed killed, with…Read more...
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on (#6943X)
BRISTOL, CT—ESPN reportedly encouraged their readers to debate a new list the site published Wednesday, declaring that the Baltimore Ravens topped their way-too-late 2012 NFL Power Rankings. “Sure, in 2023 it might seem way overdue to be speculating on who was looking good in 2012, but I have to go with the Ravens in…Read more...
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on (#6941G)
LA GRANGE, IL—Demonstrating his extensive knowledge of the film industry, astute moviegoer Xavier Hoffman was reportedly able to discern Wednesday that the dog on screen was not really talking. “It may look real to the untrained eye, but if you look very closely, you’ll notice that they’re lips aren’t actually…Read more...
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on (#6941H)
CHICAGO—Laughing off another encounter, this time while riding the bus, local woman Lillian Bedford confirmed Wednesday that she just has one of those faces strangers feel comfortable masturbating to. “Waiting for a train, in line at the supermarket—people always come right up to me and start playing with themselves,”…Read more...
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on (#6940Z)
J.K. Rowling: “Tell me which genitals you have right now.”Read more...
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on (#692VE)
KYIV, UKRAINE—Arriving with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers tucked under his arm, President Joe Biden informed Volodymr Zelensky on Tuesday that he was only in the region to visit a local woman he met online. “Sorry, pal, I can’t stick around—do you know where any internet cafes are? I don’t want to keep…Read more...
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on (#692F9)
NEW YORK—A major study published Tuesday by the Center for Media Relations revealed that more Americans than ever are turning to their own feverish imaginations for the news. “The majority of Americans just no longer trust mainstream news sources and are instead looking to their own deranged psyches to determine…Read more...
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on (#692FA)
NORRISTOWN, PA—Expressing disbelief in how different his life had turned out, local man Jerrod Kendal told reporters Tuesday that he never thought he would become one of those bug-laid-eggs-in-his-ear kind of guys. “Sure, I always thought there was a chance I’d one day grow up to be a tapeworm-in-the-digestive-system…Read more...
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on (#692DV)
HEAVEN—Saying He guessed His love language was just acts of service, the Lord God, He Who Commanded Light To Shine From The Darkness, admitted Tuesday that He is still a little flattered when someone kills in His name. “Yeah, I know, I know—people shouldn’t do it, but I can’t help but feel a bit touched when…Read more...
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on (#691GN)
NEW YORK—Emerging from decades of self-imposed retirement to insert himself into your most intimate fantasies, actor and comedian Rick Moranis announced Monday that he had plans to pop into your head for no discernible reason right before you orgasm. “After years away from your thoughts, I’m thrilled to have this…Read more...
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on (#691GP)
LAREDO, TX—Explaining that she was more or less content with the life she’d made for herself, a local cat reported Monday that she wasn’t about to waste her time chasing a laser that didn’t want her. “Sure, in my younger years, I’d run all over the place for some laser that clearly had no real interest in me, but at…Read more...
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on (#691F9)
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Following a series of transphobic comments by the Harry Potter author, the nation’s top evangelical leaders announced Monday that J.K. Rowling had finally become bigoted enough to make it okay for kids to read about witchcraft. “While I always appreciated Ms. Rowling making the greedy banker…Read more...
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on (#691FA)
OMAHA, NE—Noticing a shift in the winds and a rustling of leaves off in the distance, wizened office sage Frank Cahill whispered “Layoffs a-comin’” Monday as he stared out over the horizon. “Looks like diminishing head counts are coming in fast from headquarters in the East,” said Cahill, pointing to a herd of sales…Read more...
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on (#691FB)
INDIANAPOLIS—Saying that it only took a bit of self-reflection to see her hypocrisy, local man Tyler Brentwood confirmed Monday that his girlfriend, Alicia Hanson, made fun of him for loving sports even though she was similarly obsessed with taking care of her dying mom. “Look, I can take the teasing about how…Read more...
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on (#68ZRJ)
WASHINGTON—Announcing the decision to end its sex-trafficking investigation into the Republican congressman, the Justice Department stated Friday that it concurred with Rep. Matt Gaetz’s defense that 17-year-olds were pretty much ready to roll. “After two years of pouring over every detail within this highly sensitive…Read more...
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on (#68ZRK)
According to a new report, Americans’ credit card balances increased by $61 billion to $986 billion in the last quarter of 2022, the highest quarterly growth on record, with the data showing payment delinquencies on the rise as well. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68ZP5)
A new drug that temporarily paralyzes sperm for more than two hours was found to be 100% effective in preventing pregnancy in lab mice and resulted in no adverse side effects, paving the way for a possible on-demand oral contraceptive for men. What do you think?Read more...
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