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| Link | https://politics.theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://politics.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2024-11-22 10:00 |
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on (#68ZMA)
DOVER, MA—Saying that he waited for this moment since he was 11 years old, local Harry Potter fan Graham Wheelan told reporters Friday that he always dreamed of receiving a magical defamation letter from J.K. Rowling. “I’m a defendant! I’m a defendant! And I’m going to face legal action for speaking out against my…Read more...
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on (#68ZJB)
The task of reporting is not a simple one. Each and every day, reporters and editors at publications like The Onion make difficult decisions about which issues should receive attention, knowing that our coverage will influence not only how people think, but also how they act. This responsibility is at the core of an…Read more...
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on (#68ZBB)
In the wake of Republicans across the country passing legislation to ban the performances, The Onion asked conservatives why they oppose drag shows and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#68Z59)
MARS—Heralding it as the culmination of years of hard work, conservationists touted their successful restoration efforts Friday after a pair of dolphins were spotted on Mars for the first time since 1973. “It’s incredibly heartening to see the long-endangered Baiji dolphin back on the Martian surface for the…Read more...
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on (#68YAC)
The Wyoming Republican Party is criticizing a bill that seeks to implement a minimum age requirement for marriage, saying in an email to members that the proposed law denies “the fundamental purpose of marriage” as well as “parental rights.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68XZQ)
ITHACA, NY—Shedding new light on the vanished reptiles that once dominated the planet, paleontologists at Cornell University told reporters Thursday they had discovered evidence that suggested dinosaurs would have driven themselves to extinction through greed and complacency anyway. “New findings in the fossil record…Read more...
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on (#68XCP)
Democratic Sen. Dianne Feinstein (CA) announced that she will not run for reelection in 2024, ending her 50-year career in politics. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#68XA4)
WASHINGTON—In a completely unintended development that has left the superpower scrambling to salvage its reputation on the world stage, the blundering U.S. government has accidentally stabilized a foreign country, sources within the intelligence community confirmed Wednesday. “Aw, shit—that government we installed…Read more...
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on (#68WTT)
WASHINGTON—As she surreptitiously produced the device to obtain a much-needed dose of nicotine during a press conference Wednesday, sources confirmed U.S. Assistant Secretary for Health Rachel Levine hoped no one saw the quick hit she took from her vape pen. “I need to relax, and besides, I’m always a lot more focused…Read more...
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on (#68WPN)
Joe Rogan is a podcaster and commentator who hosts the controversial Joe Rogan Experience, a show beloved by many on the far right. If you know someone who is a Joe Rogan fan, here are things you should absolutely say to them.Read more...
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on (#68WN6)
NEW YORK—Emphasizing that they aimed to be as transparent about their sourcing as possible, executives at the ethical diamond company OutShine told reporters Wednesday they only used white children to mine. “As a modern, sustainable diamond company that prioritizes making all of our products cruelty-free, we want to…Read more...
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on (#68W1B)
CHICAGO—Rushing into the kitchen with shock after noticing the burnt candy odor, local man Tyler Suderman reportedly ruined Valentine’s Day dinner Tuesday after accidentally overcooking the edible underwear he had prepared for his girlfriend. “Oh gosh, I was just trying to get a good sear on the roast gummy bra and…Read more...
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on (#68VVG)
CINCINNATI—Bemoaning the anxiety he felt when approaching new people, local man Roger Linden confirmed Tuesday that his fear of rejection was preventing him from going up to a woman and asking her what her underwear smelled like. “I’m always self-sabotaging like this—I just feel so vulnerable asking if I can get a big…Read more...
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on (#68VS8)
FINCHA HABERA, ETHIOPIA—Archaeologists on-site at the Fincha Habera rock shelter in the Bale Mountains of Ethiopia announced new findings Tuesday that allegedly prove early humans originally developed shelter as a means of earning passive income for landlords. “Analysis of new artifacts found near these ancient human…Read more...
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on (#68VGX)
SOMERVILLE, MA—In a bombshell report that has threatened to upend the entire fundraising arm of the Democratic party, investigators revealed Tuesday that Sen. Mark Kelly (D-AZ) was just someone that ActBlue made up. “Sadly, after a thorough investigation, it is abundantly clear that former astronaut and current…Read more...
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on (#68TR2)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to offer the American people full transparency, Defense Department officials confirmed Monday that the unidentified flying objects shot down by the military were just regular planes, and the nation had just been really high. “Yeah, so it turns out everyone was just toking it up over the weekend…Read more...
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on (#68TR3)
LENEXA, KS—Growing increasingly suspicious as it dawned on him that he was under surveillance, local baby Elijah Epps was reportedly paranoid Monday after discovering his parents bugged his crib. “Wait, no, it…it can’t be… are Mama and Dada listening in on me?” said Epps, piecing together that the monitoring device…Read more...
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on (#68TR4)
NEW YORK—Promoting the car manufacturer as the only way out of this hellhole, Sunday night’s top Super Bowl ad featured Paul Rudd urging Americans to get a Chevrolet pickup and drive it far away from their grim and dying nation. “Hop in the all-new 2023 Chevy Silverado, hit the gas, and never look back on this…Read more...
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on (#68TN8)
NEW YORK—Welcoming the 34-year-old freshman lawmaker into the fold, international modeling agency IMG Models confirmed Monday that it had signed Rep. George Santos (R-NY). “He’s fresh, he’s fun, and he exudes a rare kind of playful exuberance that’s hard not to admire,” said Ivan Bart, president of IMG Models, who…Read more...
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on (#68TN9)
SEATTLE—In a study that warns frequent snackers carry a higher risk of developing the condition, new research published Monday by orthopedists at the University of Washington revealed that one in every 20 Americans will develop carpal tunnel syndrome from repetitive chip dipping. “Carpal tunnel problems have become…Read more...
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on (#68T97)
To help you avoid coming off like a desperate or insensitive fucking creep, The Onion provides this handy guide to the things you should never say to a strip club performer.Read more...
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on (#68T98)
EUGENE, OR—Unsure how to break it to him that they didn’t exist, sources in the head of local man Marshall Horbol confirmed Monday that no one had the heart to tell the 32-year-old they were all merely figments of his untethered mind. “I’m worried he would take it really hard if he found out that everyone in his life…Read more...
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on (#68SXP)
GLENDALE, AZ—A report published immediately following the Kansas City Chiefs’ win over the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl LVII confirmed this was the last time a Chiefs Super Bowl victory would be enjoyable. “While even casual football fans and fans of teams besides the Chiefs have appreciated watching Patrick…Read more...
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on (#68SV9)
GLENDALE, AZ—Calling timeout and coming to the aid of the team’s visibly ailing head coach during Super Bowl LVII, Kansas City Chiefs medical staff helped a critically hungry Andy Reid into the sideline meat-smoking tent. “After a member of our staff observed signs of low energy and problems focusing in Coach Reid, we…Read more...
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on (#68ST2)
CHICAGO—Exposing the ulterior motives behind the vast majority of commercials airing on the night of the most-watched game in America, a report published this week by University of Chicago researchers revealed that 84% of Super Bowl ads were specifically intended to distract from a human rights violation. “We’ve found…Read more...
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on (#68SSF)
GLENDALE, AZ—In response to the opening kickoff at Super Bowl LVII, sports broadcaster Kevin Burkhardt announced Sunday that “The men, they begin their brutal clash, and we—we cheer their broken bodies.” “Titans of the human form here collide into one another, shattering their bones and rending their muscles asunder,…Read more...
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on (#68SS9)
GLENDALE, AZ—Mumbling as he spoke and attempting to brush a strand of hair behind his ear, a shy Andy Reid reportedly asked the Philadelphia Eagles Sunday if they remembered him. “Hi, my name is Andy, do you remember?” said the Kansas City Chiefs head coach, who turned beet red and avoided eye contact with members of…Read more...
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on (#68SRC)
GLENDALE, AZ—When asked how he felt about the hotly anticipated Super Bowl LVII, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Sunday that he was just hoping for a competitive game where no one died on field, mentioned the league’s record on race, brought up CTE, highlighted discriminatory hiring practices, or said…Read more...
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on (#68SQ2)
PHOENIX—Knocking furiously on Roger Goodell’s hotel room door to ask if the NFL commissioner had changed his mind, brothers Jason and Travis Kelce were overheard Sunday begging the league to let them play on the same team for the Super Bowl. “C’mon, please, just this once let us be on the same team—it’s the Super…Read more...
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on (#68RQC)
If you’ve ever had the misfortune of being acquainted with a die-hard Philadelphia Eagles fan, then you know that it is highly inadvisable to say any of the following things.Read more...
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on (#68RQD)
While it’s best to avoid engaging with them at all, if you must talk to someone who is a member of “Chiefs Nation,” here are things you should never say.Read more...
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on (#68QZ2)
KEARNEY, NE—In an effort to put the man’s behavior into context by describing it as part of an intergenerational cycle of violence, a psychologist stated Friday that local 38-year-old Todd Adelwright mostly likely abused his dog because he had been abused by the dog who owned him as a child. “Throughout Todd’s…Read more...
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on (#68QNM)
Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the team that will come away with victory in Super Bowl LVII.Read more...
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on (#68QNN)
WASHINGTON—Releasing an involuntary sigh as she repeated what felt like the same conversation they had every month, an exasperated Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly explained her job to her aunt again Friday. “Come on, I’ve told you before—what about this is so confusing to you?” said Harris, who tried not to…Read more...
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on (#68PAW)
DICKINSON, ND—Groaning as she once again picked up several of his used shell casings off the ground, local mother Mandy Watkins told reporters Thursday she was sick of reminding her lazy teenager to reload the family gun after shooting sprees. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell him—if you use the family rifle…Read more...
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on (#68P95)
NEW YORK—Demanding the General Assembly take “swift and immediate” action, the United States reportedly called on the United Nations Thursday to pass a resolution officially stating that America is nice. “It is vital that the U.N. adopts a resolution affirming that we are nice and we are good,” said U.S. ambassador…Read more...
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on (#68P96)
AMC Theatres will be rolling out Sightline at AMC, a ticket-pricing initiative that charges moviegoers based on seat location within the auditorium, similar to how seats are priced for concerts and sporting events. What do you think?Read more...
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