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on (#5XCFQ)
OGDEN, UT—Admitting that it wasn’t his area of expertise, a customer at local service center Barry’s Tire and Automotive told reporters Tuesday that he wished he knew enough about cars to tell if a repair on his Hyundai Elantra should really cost one whole blow job. “I should have done some research beforehand so I’d…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-05 04:45 |
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on (#5XCFS)
PAHRUMP, NV—A local woman doing her taxes Thursday reportedly didn’t know what to do after an onscreen message from TurboTax threatened to tell the IRS that she cheated on her taxes unless she upgraded to the deluxe version of the tax preparation software. “We’ve got all your information now, and we can easily change…Read more...
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on (#5XBS2)
The Chicago Police Department is lowering hiring standards for new recruits by dropping the college credit requirement for some candidates, as the agency continues to face staffing shortages related to Covid as well as a local and national reckoning with policing. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XBEC)
ORLANDO, FL—With a grandiose gesture toward the dozens of 1-inch-square wooden plaques lining the walls, local exterminator Keith Dunford invited reporters into his trophy room Friday to show off the mounted heads of insects he had hunted down. “This here is an Eastern subterranean termite whose colony I…Read more...
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on (#5XBB3)
NEW YORK—Motioning for his family to come closer so they could hear his final wishes, corporate executive Roland Drexler reportedly requested on his deathbed Monday that his obituary be optimized for SEO. “After I’m gone, I’ll need you to make sure the notice of my death ranks high in organic search results on Google…Read more...
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on (#5XB3Z)
A group of extremely pale individuals struggle to address their vitamin D deficiency through violence rather than more sun exposure.Read more...
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on (#5X8EA)
Saturday Night Live actor Pete Davidson will travel to the edge of space next week on Blue Origin’s New Shepard rocket, making it the company’s fourth spaceflight with human passengers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X7PE)
Breaking up with your therapist can be incredibly difficult, and it’s sometimes hard to know exactly what to say. Here are some helpful ways to break the news, and tell them that it’s time for you to get help from someone new.Read more...
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on (#5X78B)
WASHINGTON—Calling for a full-scale Federal Trade Commission investigation into the sauce and salad dressing brand, the American Antitrust Institute issued a report Thursday warning that nearly every food brand in the United States was owned by a handful of companies, which in turn were controlled by Newman’s Own.…Read more...
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on (#5X6EV)
SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk has challenged Russian president Vladimir Putin to a “single combat” fight for the fate of Ukraine in a tweet directed at the Kremlin’s official account. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X5X8)
SOUTH PORTLAND, ME—Stressing that there must have been some sort of mix-up in the ordering process, local man Tim McGowan told reporters Wednesday that the coleslaw portion he had received at Rose’s Diner was so generous that it felt like he was getting away with robbery. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m elated that…Read more...
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on (#5X5P5)
Squatters have occupied the London mansion of a Russian oligarch sanctioned by the British government, displaying a sign saying “this property has been liberated” and calling for the seven-bedroom mansion to be made available to Ukrainian refugees. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X551)
NFL quarterback Tom Brady said he will return to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers just two months after announcing his retirement, saying his “place is still on the field.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X51A)
WASHINGTON—Shrugging as they revealed that every one of their husbands and wives had participated, the justices of the U.S. Supreme Court sheepishly admitted Tuesday that not only Ginni Thomas, but all of their spouses had attended the Jan. 6 riot. “Well, yeah, if you really need to know, my wife Joanna was at the…Read more...
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on (#5X4MW)
PROVIDENCE, RI—Telling the student that he needed to come up with a better excuse for not handing in assignments on time, a Providence College professor was reportedly not buying A.J. Reeves’ bullshit Tuesday about having to play in the NCAA tournament. “Listen, I’m a reasonable person, but you can’t just waltz in…Read more...
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on (#5X4MY)
WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—In the latest evidence of declining education standards, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Purdue University found that the average U.S. high schooler writes a manifesto at a second-grade level. “The sophomores who call in bombs threats and the juniors who shoot up their schools typically…Read more...
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on (#5X4MZ)
SAN JOSE, CA—As he apologized for the loudly barking dog that he swore wasn’t like this with people in higher income brackets, local pet owner David Muskin told a man he encountered on a walk Tuesday that his goldendoodle wasn’t good with anyone who earns less than six figures. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry—he must smell…Read more...
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on (#5X3P3)
According to leaked emails, Meta will temporarily change its hate speech policy to allow Facebook and Instagram users in some countries to call for violence against Russians and the death of Vladimir Putin in the context of the Ukraine invasion. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X3F8)
This tax season, don’t get overcharged like a poor person and swindled out of your hard-earned money. Here are the biggest tax loopholes that the IRS doesn’t want you to know about.Read more...
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on (#5X370)
SAN FRANCISCO—Offering harsh criticism for a streaming platform that has often faced charges of unfair compensation, Metallica announced Monday that it would remove its music from Spotify unless the company immediately increased the salaries of all high-level executives. “Frankly, we can no longer stay silent and…Read more...
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on (#5X371)
WHITE PINE COUNTY, NV—Saying their final interaction was frankly a low blow and felt unnecessarily harsh, warden Dwayne McFadden of Ely State Prison told reporters Monday that an inmate’s last words had hurt his feelings. “Look, I get it, he’s probably feeling a lot of anger and emotions as he’s about to die, but…Read more...
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on (#5X372)
ITHACA, NY—Shedding new light on the mating behavior of the bird species native to eastern North America, scientists at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology reported Monday that blue jays mate for life, but that’s like, what, seven years, so who gives a shit? “While blue jays have one partner for their entire life span,…Read more...
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on (#5X373)
NEW YORK—Expounding upon the immutable, transcendental beauty of the universe, bestselling author and New Age guru Deepak Chopra told reporters Monday that divinity can be found even within the random bullshit he’s always making up. “When you quiet yourself, open your heart, and really listen, you can find…Read more...
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on (#5X3HQ)
Authorities have arrested an American man at the U.S.-Mexico border trying to sneak nine snakes and 43 horned lizards into the country, with the animals tied up in small bags concealed in the man’s jacket, pants pockets, and groin area. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5X0MD)
The Onion provides an in-depth guide to local delicacies across the country, examining the unsavory, indigestible, and beloved dishes that would make anyone with functioning taste buds puke.Read more...
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on (#5X0HR)
CHICAGO—With markets roiled by war in Ukraine and a U.S. boycott of Russian oil imports, leading economists confirmed Friday that rising gas prices have prevented struggling Americans from obtaining the fuel they normally use as an accelerant when setting fire to crime scene evidence. “Prices have soared far past $4…Read more...
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on (#5X0CS)
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—In the wake of two straight Olympics with record-low TV ratings, an increasingly desperate International Olympic Committee announced plans Friday to increase viewership by adding skinny-dipping to the 2024 Summer Games in Paris. “As times and tastes change, the Olympics are no different, which…Read more...
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on (#5X0CR)
MINNEAPOLIS—Caught off guard by the sudden intensity with which she launched into the only liturgical part of the ceremony, attendees at a local wedding reported this week that the mother of the bride was going absolutely hog-wild with the short blessing she was allowed to give during the otherwise secular nuptials.…Read more...
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on (#5X0CQ)
The first Carnival Cruise Lines ship set sail on March 11, 1972, ushering in an era of modern-day luxury cruise liners that have generated their share of headlines over the years. The Onion looks at highlights in the history of Carnival Cruise Lines on its 50-year anniversary.
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on (#5WZ1H)
Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham (D-NM) has signed the New Mexico Opportunity Scholarship Act, which waives tuition for students attending any in-state public school or tribal college, including community colleges. What do you think?Read more...
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Starbucks Fights Unionization Effort By Hiring Pinkertons To Order Exhausting, Hyper-Specific Drinks
on (#5WZ1G)
BUFFALO, NY—In a dramatic escalation by the coffee chain’s executives, Starbucks reportedly began fighting employee efforts to unionize this week by hiring the Pinkerton agency to enter stores en masse and order exhausting, hyper-specific drinks. A representative from the Pinkertons who spoke on condition of anonymity…Read more...
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on (#5WX14)
The national average price of gas has hit a record $4.17 per gallon as President Biden announced a ban on Russian oil, natural gas, and coal imports in response to the country’s invasion of Ukraine. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WX0W)
NEW YORK—Pledging to keep supplies line open in the face of reckless choices by Western leaders, The Onion released a statement Tuesday promising that Russian oil would remain available in its company store. “In response to the international community’s brash actions banning Russia’s petroleum exports, we want to…Read more...
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on (#5WWRG)
Social media can be both a tool for good and a tool for evil, depending on how you decide to use it. When posting about an international conflict and the resulting fallout, here are the worst mistakes you can make.Read more...
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on (#5WWH5)
Netflix has been the victim of two big on-set robberies in the space of two days, with thieves stealing $200,000 worth of props from The Crown and $330,000 worth of equipment from the set of Lupin in Paris. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WRZM)
The House select committee investigating the Jan. 6 Capitol riot has alleged in a court filing that former President Trump and a right-wing lawyer were part of a “criminal conspiracy” to overturn the 2020 presidential election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WRXM)
LOS ANGELES—Detailing the time-consuming process of becoming camera-ready for his role in The Batman, Colin Farrell revealed Friday that his transformation into “the Penguin” was achieved by sitting still each day for hours at a time as the makeup artist removed his various prosthetics. “It took about four hours each…Read more...
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on (#5WRV6)
SOUTH BEND, IN—According to a new paper published by historians from the University of Notre Dame, the Catholic tradition of eating fish on Fridays can be traced back to a third-century Long John Silver’s promotion. “Pope Sixtus II was a huge fan of the chain, and urged all of his flock to join him after Mass,” said…Read more...
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