The Onion

BRYN MAWR, PA—Referring to the golf classic as a welcome change of pace, sources confirmed Thursday that the 2021 Masters was offering a brief respite to viewers who barely suffered from the pandemic. “I’m glad I can finally enjoy some major golf after spending all this time cooped up in my beach house,” said golf…Read more...

Read more...

Chile’s government distributed, and quietly recalled, 276,890 potentially flawed packets of birth control pills in 2020, resulting in at least 170 women believing they got pregnant because of the error. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Squeaking wildly to one another as the almost forgotten sound of human footsteps echoed through the lobby, a swarm of rats scrambled to hide their miniature, fully functioning amusement park and resort before workers returned to a local office building, reports confirmed Wednesday. According to sources, the…Read more...

Read more...

Yahoo announced that its long-running Q&A platform, Yahoo Answers, which quickly became a magnet for internet trolls and comedians to offer unhelpful responses, will permanently shut down on May 4. What do you think?Read more...

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Calling on her Republican colleagues for support, Arkansas state senator Jimmy Hickey Jr. warned Wednesday that a loophole in a new law could still allow transgender youth to exist. “We recognize that this legislation is incomplete, and I assure constituents we are working tirelessly on stopgap…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Dismissing the pay inequities between men and women in basketball as a problem that the women have not actually worked to solve, Warriors forward Draymond Green told reporters Wednesday that WNBA players who want to get paid should just hitch themselves to once-in-a-lifetime shooters. “Why don’t you go…Read more...

Read more...

PENSACOLA, FL—Wondering if this was a sign that their relationship was “official,” local 17-year-old high school student Sophie Garrett was overheard Wednesday asking her friend what it means when the guy you like wants a blanket pardon. “Has a guy ever mentioned something called a ‘blanket pardon,’” said the senior…Read more...

Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—According to a report released Wednesday from Wharton Business School, a growing number of companies are considering a hybrid model in which half of their workforce returns to the office while the other half is laid off. “The past year has really opened our eyes to far more flexible office models,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Noting the deterioration of roadside dinosaur statues and giant twine balls, President Joe Biden unveiled a $4 trillion bill Wednesday to restore the nation’s crumbling highway attractions. “For far too long, our nation’s giant fiberglass hot dogs and triceratops statues have fallen into a state of…Read more...

Whether they served as powerful elected officials or as important figureheads behind the scenes, women have been key members of government since the dawn of time. Here are several influential women throughout history who shaped politics today as we know it.Read more...

Kyoto’s cherry blossoms peaked on March 26, the earliest bloom on record since 812 A.D., which scientists warn is a symptom of the larger climate crisis threatening ecosystems all across the globe. What do you think?Read more...

Major League Baseball is moving the 2021 All-Star Game and 2021 draft out of Atlanta in protest of a new Georgia law that has raised concerns about its potential to disproportionately disenfranchise minority voters. What do you think?Read more...

The past year has seen the most demand for housing since before the 2008 crash, and both real estate market experts and potential home-buyers are trying to understand what’s driving it. The Onion looks at the factors driving the competitive housing market.

Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an unusually scathing report issued Tuesday by the Government Accountability Office, investigators found that the Pentagon had paid a military contractor approximately $1 trillion over 15 years to develop a hat that still did not work. “The hat is constructed of some real state-of-the art, space-age…Read more...

When publisher Dotemu announced they were coming out with an all-new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game, everyone on our staff was over the moon imagining our favorite mutant fighters once again hitting the mean streets of New York to brawl it out with archenemies like Krang or Beebop and maybe even scrounge up a…Read more...

Read more...

LOS ANGELES— Following the $668,000 sale of a digital painting by Sophia, local fan Kerry Hayes reportedly became disillusioned with the mononymic robot artist Tuesday upon learning that she came from money. “Surprise, surprise—Sophia’s upbringing involved a great deal of money and connections,” said the disappointed…Read more...

CHICAGO—Promising it was no big deal at all, your thoughtful and generous friend Margaret Caffrey announced Tuesday she was willing to house-sit for nothing but the opportunity to go through all your stuff. “I’m more than happy to hold down the fort [and rummage around in your personal belongings] while you’re out of…Read more...

Read more...

A man returning to the parking lot after grocery shopping found an estimated 15,000 bees inside his car, which experts say likely happened after the swarm followed the queen bee through the vehicle’s open window. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Asking those in attendance to lower their heads in memory of the shared sacrifice the entire nation made over the last year, the NCAA men’s title game opened Monday evening with a moment of silence to honor the regular season games lost to Covid-19. “A lot of people worked really hard to make sure this…Read more...

Hundreds were ordered to evacuate the Tampa Bay area due to a wastewater reservoir on the brink of collapse that could unleash 340 million gallons in a possible 20-foot high wall of water containing fertilizer runoff. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Declaring that U.S. companies had an obligation to oppose a new state bill restricting voting rights, Kellogg’s reportedly condemned Georgia’s voting laws Monday in a call to overthrow the government and install an absolute cerealocracy. “These anti-democratic measures represent yet another clear indication…Read more...

A heartwarming co-op adventure game, this title proves that any relationship can be saved with the help of magical transmutation and a sentient book.Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Promising the victorious NCAA champions lands resplendent with game, wheat, and olive groves, Pope Francis announced Monday that he was awarding the men’s basketball team of Catholic Gonzaga University with rich, sprawling fiefdoms for bringing college basketball under Vatican control. “These brave…Read more...

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Arguing that the nation’s top earners shouldn’t be punished simply for being successful and making a lot of money, local car wash attendant Christopher Jacobson told reporters Monday he opposed taxing the rich because he knew one day he might find a $20 bill on the ground. “You never know, I could…Read more...

YOUR LOCATION—Noting the complete lack of memorable details to help the date stick in your mind, sources confirmed Monday that today isn’t one you’re going to remember. “We’ve found that this 24-hour period will make zero impression on you in the long run,” said sources, adding that the current day would be neither…Read more...

BROOKLYN, NY—Promising his increasingly bored teammates that he just needed another few attempts to get warmed up, center Blake Griffin delayed Nets practice once again Monday to prove he could still dunk over a Kia Optima. “Jesus Christ, he’s been at this for an hour—it’s getting hard to watch,” said shooting guard…Read more...

While shedding those extra pounds can be a frustrating process, know that there are always plenty of quick, easy, non-FDA approved solutions out there. Here are some of the best, most effective ways to lose weight fast.Read more...

ARLINGTON, VA—Detailing and providing blurry photos of incidents that go back almost 50 years, activists accused the U.S. Military Monday of covering up hundreds of unexplained ELO sightings. “We’ve spoken with people all across the country who claim to have been taken aboard an ELO tour bus only to wake up days later…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Russia claims to have registered the world’s first coronavirus vaccine for animals in an effort to protect vulnerable species and thwart viral mutations being passed back and forth between humans and animals. What do you think?Read more...

POWELL, OH—Deciding to take the rest of the day off to recover, local sedentary man Clay Broderman was reportedly reminded Friday what muscle soreness felt like after receiving his first dose of Pfizer-BioNTech Covid vaccine. “What the hell is happening—what is this strange sensation I’m feeling in my upper arm right…Read more...

Tinder, whose parent company Match Group also owns OKCupid and Hinge, will be introducing an in-app feature later this year that performs background checks on potential dates to flag any violent crimes. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Dismissing the accusations as a conspiracy by his political opponents to take him down, Rep. Matt Gaetz reportedly claimed Friday that allegations of sex trafficking levied against him stemmed from powerful enemies in Ms. Bassman’s geometry class. “These spurious and completely false rumors are clearly the…Read more...

PLANO, TX—Following an uncharacteristic lapse in rolling out new products, the Tostitos brand director reportedly apologized Friday for “phoning it in” this year and not delivering on tortilla chips the way they have in the past. “We know you trust Tostitos to bring you inventive tortilla chips in a wide range of…Read more...

Read more...

With a significant portion of Americans indicating opposition to getting a coronavirus vaccine, debate has risen over the potential use of vaccine passports, or digital vaccination records that could be required for travel or to enter certain establishments. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of vaccine passports.

DAVENPORT, IA—Pausing momentarily upon glimpsing the oversized photo of smiling children skipping through a meadow with their parents, estranged dad Ed Carroll, 47, told reporters Friday that a billboard with a happy family had almost inspired him to call his kids. “Boy, seeing the gleam in those kids’ eyes nearly got…Read more...

Read more...

SALEM, OR—Wistfully recalling the hours spent running and jumping around the machine’s high-powered, motorized blades, local mother Jessica Halpern told reporters Friday she missed the good old days when you could let kids run free on a thresher without supervision. “I remember growing up, there wasn’t always an adult…Read more...

A New York man was ordered to pay a $5,000 fine for illegal possession with intent to sell seven sandbar sharks discovered in an above-ground pool he kept in his basement. What do you think?Read more...

New York has become the 15th state to legalize possession of marijuana for recreational use, while also expunging criminal records of marijuana-related offenses now considered legal. What do you think?Read more...