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on (#5QCEX)
David Lee Roth, original and current lead singer of Van Halen after a rotation of several other frontmen, has announced his retirement, saying the band’s next slate of scheduled concerts will be his last. What do you think?Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-04-22 14:04 |
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on (#5QCEY)
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Apologizing to Jaguars fans for his early failures in leading the team, Jacksonville coach Urban Meyer admitted to reporters Tuesday that he is still adjusting to the speed of NFL cover-ups. “At the college level, these scandals take a lot longer to develop, and I’ll admit I just haven’t done the work…Read more...
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on (#5QCC1)
NASHVILLE, TN—Confirming fans’ long-held suspicions about the subtext of the film, Harry Styles revealed Tuesday that Dunkirk was about the female orgasm. “On the surface, it looks like a standard war film, but it’s actually something much sexier,” said Styles, who shared the secret meaning of the 2017 Christopher…Read more...
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on (#5QCC2)
MENLO PARK, CA—Following a systems issue that saw the company’s websites and apps go down worldwide for hours, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg vowed Tuesday that the employees responsible for the outage will be bullied to suicide. “We take these kinds of disruptions seriously, and rest assured we will do everything in…Read more...
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on (#5QC8W)
Jesus, gamers. We were looking to play a few rounds of something fun and low stakes, so we decided to boot up Fortnite, and wow, let’s just say, we were not prepared for what we found. Since the last time we played, which was only two weeks ago, mind you, Epic has apparently added stretch limousines, panini presses,…Read more...
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on (#5Q9X1)
DALLAS—Alleging that the Dallas Cowboys quarterback deliberately flouted Texas abortion laws, state troopers arrested Dak Prescott on the field Sunday for terminating a conceived play call with an audible. “Mr. Prescott showed a flagrant disregard for a play conceived in God’s image,” said county sheriff Marian Brown,…Read more...
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on (#5Q7HV)
LOS ANGELES—Calling it “a tough period to navigate,” sources confirmed Friday that popular teenage actress Makayla Caracci was going through that awkward stage between cute kid and hyper-sexualized young adult. “She just turned 14, so she’s at a difficult age when her audience has dwindled to a few of her fellow…Read more...
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on (#5Q7HW)
NEW YORK—In a string of overwhelming and unexpected successes, all of the world’s problems, from hunger to disease to war, were reportedly solved while you slept, with each lingering trace of human suffering having been eliminated by the time you awoke Friday. According to sources, as you lay quietly dreaming in bed,…Read more...
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on (#5Q7AR)
The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has proposed moving 23 species from the Federal Lists of Endangered and Threatened Wildlife and Plants to a list of extinct species, including the ivory-billed woodpecker, while citing humans as the ultimate cause. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Q6N9)
Alabama, which has the highest death rate from Covid-19 in America, is planning to use $400 million from the American Rescue Plan, nearly 20% of the state’s pandemic relief money, to build three new prisons. What do you think?
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on (#5Q6F0)
QUEENSLAND, AUSTRALIA—In a groundbreaking discovery that sheds new light on the mobility, migratory habits, and fashion sensibilities of a species that lived 94 million years ago, researchers at the Brigham Young University announced Thursday they had unearthed the world’s largest dinosaur shoe print. “Thanks to its…Read more...
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on (#5Q6BR)
Research has found no stronger indicator of excess weed smoking than being Derek.Read more...
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on (#5Q6EM)
COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing regret at the unfortunate error, remorseful internet poster Dan Hitchins, 33, reportedly deleted his comment Thursday upon realizing he accidentally told the wrong stranger to kill themselves. “Sorry about that, I never intended to say something so caustic and terrible to you, and I am deeply…Read more...
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on (#5Q67T)
BOSTON—Explaining that she felt more firm standing by her principles given the healthy job market, unvaccinated United Airlines flight attendant Erin Collins told reporters Thursday that she was confident she could get work drifting between European ports aboard a medieval plague ship. “Yeah, I figure all I need…Read more...
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on (#5Q67S)
LOUISVILLE, KY—Stating that he had been unable to find any in the restroom but thought they might have some on hand, local man Matt Weber reportedly asked Thursday if staff at the Louisville Medical Clinic could provide visual aids that would help him to produce a urine sample. “This is kind of embarrassing, but I was…Read more...
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on (#5Q5A1)
Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has warned lawmakers that the federal government could run short of cash to pay its bills by October 18th, after Republicans blocked a measure to increase or suspend the debt ceiling. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Q55Y)
YONKERS, NY—Complaining that he would absolutely not shut up about the insects and their “incredible abilities,” sources told reporters Wednesday that local man Jeff Granger was going way overboard with his newfound appreciation of ants after watching a nature documentary. “Look, I get it, ants are cool, but if I hear…Read more...
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on (#5Q51G)
A new study suggests today’s children will experience extreme climate events at a rate that is two to seven times higher than people born in 1960, forecasting that heatwaves will be the most prevalent, occurring 36 times more over the lifetime of a child born in 2014. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Q4W9)
BOSTON—Having exhausted the possibilities of the chromosome pairs that came preloaded on the original human genome, researchers at Harvard Medical School’s Department of Genetics told reporters Wednesday they had unlocked 47 new editable genes following their purchase of a CRISPR expansion pack. “This add-on has a ton…Read more...
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on (#5Q4WA)
UTICA, NY—Blasting state officials for putting her into such an “impossible position,” local nurse Sophia Wood confirmed Wednesday that she was carefully weighing whether she was better off getting the vaccine or losing her job and dying. “On the plus side, if get vaccinated, I could get to continue to live my life…Read more...
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on (#5Q4WB)
ORLANDO, FL—Praising the Lord for the divine guidance on his journey, former Gonzaga point guard Jalen Suggs, a man who was drafted by the Orlando Magic, told reporters Wednesday that God has a plan for him. “Everything that happened was meant to be, and I have faith that God in all his goodness is looking out for…Read more...
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on (#5Q4EG)
Facebook announced that it will pause the development of its “Instagram Kids” project and reassess it following criticism from lawmakers and parents groups. The Onion provides an in-depth look at Facebook’s proposed changes to improve “Instagram Kids.”Read more...
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on (#5Q3JW)
SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Touted as an ideal spot to leaf through a book on a Sunday afternoon, a cozy reading nook in the home of area woman Emma Adamos is expected to generate $23,000 in chiropractor bills over the next five years, sources reported this week. “I swear, when I find a good mystery novel, I can just curl up…Read more...
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on (#5Q3AF)
PITTSBURGH, PA—Demonstrating a sweeping inventiveness that he could not match in any other activity, local man Isaiah Moore was reportedly at his most creative, original self Tuesday while at the make-your-own sundae station. “I was debating between caramel and melted marshmallow when I was struck with the…Read more...
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on (#5Q3AG)
NEW YORK—Following a lethargic editorial meeting in which it was decided there was absolutely nothing to eat, popular food magazine Bon Appétit published a completely blank issue Tuesday, with staff confirming they had considered many different recipes, but none of them sounded very good right now. “We just couldn’t…Read more...
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on (#5Q374)
Let them know that they’re not alone in their paranoid ignorance.
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on (#5Q2XE)
West Virginia governor Jim Justice has withdrawn his name for consideration to coach a high school boys basketball team after school officials voiced concerns over his commitment to the governorship, noting that he already coaches the girls basketball team. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Q25C)
ARLINGTON, VA—Hopeful that the ruling would set a new precedent for such cases, advocates hailed John Hinckley’s unconditional release Monday for ending the stigma against trying to kill the president. “Presidential assassins and would-be assassins have been treated as second-class citizens in this country for…Read more...
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on (#5Q1XG)
WASHINGTON—Pinpointing the exact allocation of your contributions, the Internal Revenue Service released a report Monday revealing that your taxes specifically were spent to drone-strike kids. “Our balance sheets indicate that the 22% federal income tax you paid last year was used on UAV attacks that killed multiple…Read more...
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on (#5Q1XF)
MENLO PARK—Assuring parents that the crew were working around the clock to protect their most vulnerable underage users, Instagram announced Monday that they had hired dozens of pedophiles to find weak spots in their app. “When it comes to our children’s safety, there’s no one I trust more to test our interface than…Read more...
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on (#5Q1XH)
There are many truths hidden away from the non-gaming masses: Cheat codes, tricks, and even easter eggs. But one piece of knowledge looms larger than all else. Well, gather ’round, gamers, for now we will share the one secret that only those of our ilk know: This button? This one here? It’s the one that will make your…Read more...
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on (#5Q1VR)
KOHLER, WI—Upset that the child they raised couldn’t be bothered to weigh all his options, local parents Barbara and Aaron Higbee were disappointed Monday that their child, Aiden, has unquestioningly followed in their Packers’ fandom. “We always taught Aiden to think for himself, but I guess he just wants to follow…Read more...
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on (#5PYRN)
TEHRAN—Giggling to themselves as they transported large quantities of the alkaline-earth metal to a highly secure containment facility, top Iranian officials reportedly began stockpiling strontium Friday just to stress out the U.S. intelligence community. “Oh man, they’re gonna lose their shit when we take all the…Read more...
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on (#5PYRP)
BERLIN—In a ceremony to commemorate her stepping down from her post as chancellor of Germany after 16 years, European Union officials honored Angela Merkel’s tenure Friday by giving her Greece. “We hope that the chancellor will accept the nation of Greece as a small parting gift to show our appreciation for her many…Read more...
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on (#5PYMF)
WASHINGTON—Confirming that a historic spike in violent crime was beginning to subside, a study from Georgetown University released Friday found that murders rose at a slower rate in 2021 thanks in large part to the brilliant work of Inspector Marcele Lachance. “Our analytics show a 15% drop in the rate of homicides as…Read more...
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on (#5PYRQ)
SAN DIEGO—Due to its aggressive messaging surrounding cannabis, online weed delivery service GreenDream was reportedly turning off potential customers Friday with how into weed they are. “I was thinking about getting some marijuana delivered, but after a few minutes browsing such an vociferously pro-pot site, I’m kind…Read more...
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on (#5PYBQ)
A new study suggests that snakes survived the asteroid that wiped out 76% of lifeforms on Earth 66 million years ago by being able to hide underground and go long periods without food, allowing them to spread into new habitats across the globe without competition. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PYBP)
THE HEAVENS—Concerned that the prehistoric reptiles’ behavior had gotten out of hand, God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Friday that He was considering moving dinosaurs to a separate part of His Kingdom. “It was fine 200 million years ago when there were only a few of them here and there, but now there…Read more...
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on (#5PYBM)
France recently recalled its ambassador to the United States over the cancellation of a submarine deal by the Australian government, the latest controversy in what has been a sometimes fraught relationship between two old allies. The Onion looks at key events in the timeline of U.S.–France relations.
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on (#5PXF7)
WASHINGTON—Monitoring the tense situation at a migrant camp in Del Rio, TX, Vice President Kamala Harris told reporters Thursday she was deeply troubled by images of U.S. crackdowns on thousands of Haitian asylum seekers whom she distinctly remembers telling not to come here. “What is happening at the border is…Read more...
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on (#5PXDJ)
The Taliban has requested to address the annual United Nations General Assembly’s meeting of world leaders, raising questions over who should represent Afghanistan in the organization with many Taliban interim ministers still on the UN’s blacklist of terrorists. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PXAR)
MOSCOW—Calling it an exciting new transportation option for ursine performers on the go, authorities in Russia’s capital debuted its long-awaited BearShare bike sharing program exclusively for Asiatic circus bears, sources confirmed Thursday. “Whether they reside here, their troupe is just passing through, or they’ve…Read more...
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on (#5PXAS)
MILWAUKEE—Trying not to picture his father hurt or incapacitated, local man Eamon Pike was reportedly growing terrified Thursday that something had happened to his dad after still not receiving a recommendation for the new Hulu series Only Murders In The Building. “For the first couple weeks I figured he just hadn’t…Read more...
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