The Onion
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| Updated | 2024-11-24 09:30 |
on (#5HFWY)
BATTLE CREEK, MI—In a major breakthrough after years spent chasing the next big flavor, local minimalist Tyler Benson told sources Wednesday he had recently discovered how to appreciate the stripped-down simple pleasures of unloaded tater tots. “Once you tear away the distractions of melted cheese, jalapeños, and…Read more...
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New York City education officials have announced that the nation’s largest school district will not be having any snow days in the next school year, and instead will be providing remote learning during severe weather. What do you think?Read more...
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NEW YORK—Explaining that building public confidence had never been more crucial, experts from Columbia University told reporters Wednesday that earning the trust of vaccine skeptics would be key to jabbing them when they’re not looking. “We explain to them the vaccine is safe, show them the science behind it, wait…Read more...
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NEW YORK—Shrugging as he started writing the story’s lede, New York Times employee Lance Reede, a reporter who found three angry tweets about a particular issue, revealed Wednesday that he figured that’s probably an article right there. “Yeah, sure—you’ve got a few angry people on social media, you put all their words…Read more...
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GREEN BAY, WI—Threatening to test the trade market if the front office didn’t intervene, a visibly unhinged Aaron Rodgers told Packers brass Wednesday that it was “him or me” in reference to team custodian Glen Pardlo. “I can’t let another off season go by without getting help cleaning up around here,” said the…Read more...
on (#5HFQC)
Sure, your favorite team’s GM sucks, but could you do any better? Would you chase stars to form a Big 3 or build around the margins to craft a perfectly balanced roster? Put your team-building skills to the test by constructing the best possible lineup without exceeding your $15 budget.
on (#5HFD8)
Spring is tornado season, putting millions of people across the country on high alert for the sometimes devastating storms. The Onion looks back at the worst tornadoes in U.S. history.
on (#5HF51)
The Colorado legislature has passed a bill legalizing the composting of human remains as an after-death alternative to burial and cremation, which is more environmentally friendly than the traditional processes. What do you think?Read more...
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NEW YORK—Sorting through the assets of the new company they had acquired, private equity firm Apollo Global Management confirmed they were heartbroken Monday after realizing there were no AOL employees left for them to fire. “There isn’t a single person left on the payroll for us to let go,” said the visibly…Read more...
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Bill and Melinda Gates have announced they are splitting up after 27 years of marriage, a decision that is likely to have wide ranging effects on the worlds of philanthropy, healthcare, and business. What do you think?Read more...
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HUNTS POINT, WA—Sharing the message on his Twitter account as well as in an official press release to journalists, Steve Ballmer issued a statement Tuesday clarifying that his marriage has never been more solid. “After 31 years of marriage, I’m proud to announce our relationship has never been better—God, Connie, I…Read more...
on (#5HDZY)
MOUNT DORA, FL—Expressing concerns about the complications that could arise from cohabitation, a local couple was reportedly worried Tuesday that their relationship might lose its spark once they both move into the leader’s compound. “Don’t get me wrong—it’s exciting for my boyfriend Rob and I to take this next step…Read more...
on (#5HDZZ)
ITHACA, NY—Worried that he wouldn’t be able to endure the task in his current mindset, local man Brian Grinnell was reportedly psyching himself up Tuesday to watch a movie. “Look, Brian, it’s just two hours and it’s over—you’ve got this,” said Grinnell, reminding himself that he could always take a break halfway…Read more...
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With interest rates at historic lows, more people than ever are thinking of breaking into the real estate market. You asked The Onion about how to buy your first home, and now, we have the answers.Read more...
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Alaska Airlines has banned Republican senator Lora Reinbold after her continued refusal to comply with its mask-wearing policy, which could cause Reinbold future complications since the airline operates the only direct flights from her district to the state capitol. What do you think?Read more...
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Elon Musk’s private space company SpaceX successfully returned four International Space Station astronauts home safely in the first nighttime splashdown since 1968. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5HCSQ)
BEVERLY, MA—Explaining that minor inconveniences weren’t worth fretting over, laid-back local man Tom Glickstein told reporters Monday that he felt ready and able to take whatever the sandwich he was currently eating threw his way. “I always try to make the best of the situation at hand, so even if this sub tosses me…Read more...
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Gamers, get ready to grab a great deal and run like your life depends on it! Mrs. Ableman from down the block just set out a steaming hot copy of Monster Hunter Rise out to cool on her windowsill, and you have mere moments to snatch it up before she comes back!
on (#5HCQB)
WASHINGTON—Declaring that they had reached a decision on their international response to the global pandemic, U.S. government officials reportedly vowed Monday to invade the next country that asks for Covid vaccine intellectual property. “We’ve heard the international community’s bitching and moaning about us forcing…Read more...
on (#5HCBN)
NEW YORK—In a chilling example to all who had borne witness, a fruit fly floating lifelessly in a glass of wine Monday was reportedly a somber reminder of the perils of gluttony. “A sad portrayal of what fate awaits those whose passionate appetites rage unchecked,” said bar patron Jeremy Mitchell, noting the heavy…Read more...
on (#5HCBM)
Federal agencies are investigating two possible incidents, including one near the White House last year, that appear similar to the mysterious directed-energy attacks being called “Havana syndrome” that caused debilitating symptoms for dozens of U.S. personnel in Cuba. What do you think?Read more...
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The FDA is taking steps to ban menthol-flavored tobacco products in a move praised by public health and civil rights groups, citing evidence that the products are more addictive than unflavored tobacco and marketed aggressively toward Black consumers. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5H9FV)
WASHINGTON—Gasping as the first dog galloped across the Rose Garden and launched himself towards the airborne helicopter, White House officials watched in horror Friday as Major Biden pulled Marine One straight out of the sky. “Oh my god, how did he do that?” said presidential aide Jessica Reed as the German shepherd…Read more...
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Whoa, OGN readers are definitely going to want to check this out! We’ve discovered a special deal that gaming aficionados will flip for: Any video game at any price is inherently an incredible value because video games are great.Read more...
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Federal investigators executed a search warrant at the home and office of Rudy Giuliani, the former New York City mayor who led President Donald Trump’s legal team. The Onion examines the key findings federal investigators made in the search.
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NEW YORK—Confused by the growing optimism when his rate of return was still suffering so much, devastated man Scott Buford questioned Friday how the economy could be recovering from the pandemic if he only made $4.1 million in Q1. “They say the economy is starting to boom in the wake of the Covid-19 pandemic, but I…Read more...
on (#5H961)
WASHINGTON—Jumping out from hiding spots and popping champagne when the Supreme Court justice turned on the lights in his office, a group of Democratic Party leaders reportedly threw a surprise retirement party Friday for Stephen Breyer hoping that he would just go with it. “We’re sorry to see you go, but it’s really…Read more...
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A Miami private school is refusing to employ anyone vaccinated against Covid-19 in a decision based on debunked misinformation that says vaccinated people could transmit something harmful to students, angering parents and returning employees alike. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5H90B)
ROCHESTER, NY—Already feeling singled out by being the only one in class with leaves, branches, and a trunk, a walnut sapling confirmed this week it was sick of always having to explain Arbor Day at school. “I get it, I grew up in the forest, but why don’t any of the other kids have to stand at the front of the room…Read more...
on (#5H8B9)
CLEVELAND—Claiming he has the skills to transform a franchise’s dinner parties, NFL analyst Mel Kiper spent Thursday’s draft touting offensive tackle Christian Darrisaw’s unprecedented etiquette rating from Miss Wiltshire’s finishing school for players. “You have to watch the tape and see this guy having tea, his…Read more...
on (#5H84C)
Citizen Kane, often cited as the greatest movie of all time, lost its perfect score on film review aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes after a negative 80-year-old critique demoted it below movies like Paddington 2 and The Terminator. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5H84D)
CLEVELAND—Lamenting that they had such bad luck finding good guys in the past, draft experts confirmed Thursday that the Miami Dolphins were just hoping to pick somebody nice for once. “We’ve wasted so many years drafting bad boys and it never works out,” said general manager Chris Grier, clarifying that the team…Read more...
on (#5H84E)
LAS VEGAS—Capitalizing on the buzz surrounding high-profile exhibition fights, a promoter confirmed Thursday a boxing match between five-time world champion Floyd Mayweather and YouTuber and Instagram influencer Olivia Jade. “In partnership with Fanmio, Showtime, and Sephora, Mayweather is proud to add a second fight…Read more...
on (#5H825)
Well, this is the sort of news we love to hear! It’s been years since we heard a peep out of Valve about the elusive final installment in the Half Life trilogy but, in a recent announcement, the militant Islamist group al-Qaeda just claimed they are planning “something big that will change the world forever,” and you…Read more...
on (#5H7Z5)
DENVER—Hoping to get the lay of the land before the day arrived, area mother Alice Zeitman was reportedly casing her local grocery store Thursday ahead of a big sale. “We need to make sure that the actual operation goes off without a hitch, so I’m gathering as much intel as I can ahead of time,” said Zeitman,…Read more...
on (#5H7S8)
CLEVELAND—Trembling as he gripped a sharp knife and debated which finger he needs the least, a terrified Zach Wilson cut off his pinky finger Thursday to get out of being drafted and shipped off to the Jets. “I’ve heard about what happens there, quarterbacks leave home and they never come back, I don’t want that to…Read more...
on (#5H7NY)
WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nomination would receive bipartisan approval from the Senate, sources inside the White House confirmed Thursday that Biden has tapped career diplomat Nicholas Burns to serve in his administration as White House pet. “Today, President Joe Biden announced his intent to nominate…Read more...
on (#5H7G7)
WASHINGTON—Admitting it was far too late into his line of questioning to backtrack, CIA interrogator David Fromm was reportedly embarrassed Thursday after realizing that he forgot to ask the suspect for his name. “God, I guess I’ll just have to keep calling him ‘buddy,’” said a blushing Fromm, who braced for the…Read more...
on (#5H7G5)
CAMBRIDGE—Shedding new light on the diversity of the insect world, a team of Harvard entomologists announced Thursday that they identified a previously unclassified moth species that had evolved to fly out of poor people’s wallets. “Though sightings of this wallet-dwelling specimen have been reported for centuries,…Read more...