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on (#5Z9E6)
BOCA RATON, FL—Addressing a retirement community bingo hall filled to capacity with empty folding chairs, the nation’s elderly announced Friday an ambitious and far-reaching new plan to be sad and lonely all the time. “Moving forward, we intend to be extremely depressed every second of every day with no one to turn to…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-05 08:15 |
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on (#5Z9E5)
Burglaries are easily preventable, especially if you have a gun. Here are things robbers always look for when casing a house.Read more...
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on (#5Z773)
The White House has announced it will partner with internet providers to lower the cost of high-speed internet plans for 48 million low-income Americans, providing plans of at least 100 Megabits per second of speed for no more than $30. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z6PA)
A passenger with no flying experience managed to successfully land a small plane in Florida with the help of an air traffic controller after the pilot became “incoherent” following a medical emergency. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z6P9)
FAIRBANKS, AK—Saying the pair sounded as if they were going through enough as it was, a respectful grizzly bear told reporters Friday that he was waiting to attack a tent until the couple inside had finished their fight. “I don’t want to make anything worse by barging in and mauling them while they’re in the middle of…Read more...
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on (#5Z6P8)
CHICAGO—Finding that a majority of men are likely to experience some form of it during their lifetime, a study published Friday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association concluded that over 60% of men will suffer from male-pattern head loss. “A condition that afflicts around 3 in 5 men, male-pattern head loss…Read more...
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on (#5Z6P6)
No, it’s not because of you. While all your friends may be abandoning you to move to smaller towns, it’s part of a nationwide trend. Here are the top reasons why Americans are leaving big cities.Read more...
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on (#5Z5V4)
Apple has announced that it is discontinuing the iPod, which debuted in 2001 as the first MP3 player capable of storing 1,000 songs, the product now considered redundant as later versions increasingly resembled smartphones with similar features. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z59D)
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the new feature as an efficient way for users to reach their destinations faster, Google Maps announced Thursday its service would now suggest shortcuts through the houses of people Google knows aren’t home at the moment. “With this update, most destinations will offer the option to select…Read more...
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on (#5Z4J2)
A new study has found that 93% of neighborhoods in America’s major cities were unaffordable to the majority of local Black residents, while the majority of affordable zip codes were “low-opportunity” neighborhoods. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z45Q)
The Onion: Are you going to honestly answer any question we ask in this interview?Read more...
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on (#5Z45R)
PHOENIX—Touting the product as an easy and effective way to train animal companions, PetSmart unveiled a new waterboarding kit Wednesday for teaching cats to stay off counters. “They say you can’t train a cat, but we at PetSmart guarantee this is one behavioral conditioning method your little kitty will never forget,”…Read more...
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on (#5Z3ZH)
An abortion-rights protest over the weekend at Supreme Court justice Brett Kavanaugh’s home stoked controversy over whether it’s appropriate to protest a public official’s policies at their private residence. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of protesting at politicians’ homes.
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on (#5Z3TW)
RANCHO PALOS VERDES, CA—Commenting on the many “interesting choices” for the special day, local mother Patricia Kenny announced Wednesday that “at least you had fun” in the most devastating takedown of her daughter’s wedding yet. “You know, honey, it’s definitely not how I would have wanted to celebrate the biggest…Read more...
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on (#5Z3TV)
Nearly 40% of popular baby formula brands are sold out at retailers across the U.S. due to an increase in demand and a recent recall from one of the country’s biggest infant formula plants. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Z3TT)
NEW YORK—Confirming the practice to be the single-most common cause for inducing symptoms of the mental health condition, a Deloitte study released Wednesday found that thanking military veterans for their service immediately triggers their PTSD. “Post-traumatic stress disorder is an under-studied phenomenon, but…Read more...
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on (#5Z3TS)
CHICAGO—Reportedly hitting it off with a fellow native of the Great Lakes State he bumped into Wednesday, area man Dan McAdams was overheard saying, “I’m from Michigan, too!” when he encountered a package of lettuce grown in the state. “That’s crazy! I’m from Benton Harbor—what about you?” asked McAdams, 62, beaming…Read more...
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on (#5Z2EG)
WASHINGTON—In a shocking revelation that alleged the party would receive money in exchange for taking a dive, a bombshell report released Tuesday by the Brookings Institution found that Democrats were conspiring with their bookie to deliberately throw the 2022 midterms. “The evidence appears increasingly clear that…Read more...
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on (#5Z145)
A new study has found that moms actually take on more housework when their salary exceeds their husband’s, with the weekly amount of housework for fathers decreasing from their average of seven hours per week, while mothers’ housework starts increasing from 14 hours per week as her salary begins to eclipse her…Read more...
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on (#5Z144)
CLEVELAND—Revealing that he had seen the same old thing happen over and over again, longtime farmers market vendor Bruce Spelman told reporters this week that he knew the enthusiasm for the new jam guy would eventually fade. “Yes, yes, they all fawn over the newcomer for a week or two, but soon the novelty of…Read more...
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on (#5YXTM)
WASHINGTON—Gushing excitedly about their favorite woman in the entire solar system, extraterrestrials from Galaxy 588x43 reportedly asked during their first contact Thursday when they could meet Diana, Princess of Wales. “Greetings, people of Earth, we come in peace, and wish nothing more than to meet our idol, the…Read more...
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on (#5YXRA)
John Doerr, one of Silicon Valley’s most successful venture capitalists, is giving $1.1 billion to Stanford University to fund a school focused on climate change, claiming the study of climate and sustainability will be “the new computer science.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YX4S)
A study published in the journal Science found that many popular stereotypes about the behavior of dog breeds aren’t supported by science, concluding that every dog is an individual. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YX4R)
Mother’s Day is around the corner, and you don’t want to be caught without a one-of-a-kind mass-produced gift that represents your mother’s mom type. The Onion provides recommendations for the best gifts for each of the different types of mother.Read more...
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on (#5YW59)
The road to the 2022 midterms kicks off with May primaries in 13 states and includes some hotly contested races with ramifications for the November general elections. The Onion looks at key primaries to watch.
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on (#5YVZE)
Driving school should really teach you how to use a gun. Here are the worst things you can say to someone with road rage.Read more...
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on (#5YTJ9)
COLUMBIA, SC—Issuing an emergency stay on the implementation of the prisoner’s sentence, the Supreme Court of South Carolina reportedly delayed a death-row inmate’s execution Tuesday to brainstorm an even grislier method. “The court has postponed the execution of this prisoner due to concerns that lethal injection is…Read more...
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on (#5YTJ8)
DALLAS—Advising blackout alcoholics to focus on the road, a new highway safety ad released Tuesday reportedly urged drunk drivers not to text. “It’s imperative that drivers not text when they’re swerving drunk down the wrong side of the highway,” said the ad spokesperson Kyle Drummel, explaining that putting the phone…Read more...
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on (#5YTJ7)
POQUOSON, VA—Bringing their 9-year-old outside to see his birthday present, local parents Mark and Angelina Bryant reportedly supported their son’s dream of becoming a NASCAR driver this week by putting up a 2.5-mile motor speedway in their backyard. “Jared really wants to be a NASCAR driver when he grows up, so we…Read more...
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on (#5YTJ6)
AUSTIN, TX—Mindlessly checking for the third time in the past couple hours, area man Darrell Hawkins reported Tuesday that he had just opened his mailbox again despite already knowing there was nothing to eat in there. “I didn’t find anything good to snack on 30 minutes ago, so I don’t know why I’d think it would be…Read more...
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on (#5YSSW)
BLOOMINGTON, IN—Ceremoniously unsticking the hallowed Post-it note from the side of her refrigerator, local woman Dana McNamara reportedly read the password to her Wi-Fi network aloud Monday as if it were an incantation from an ancient spell book. According to the houseguests who sought access to the holy text, the…Read more...
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on (#5YSQB)
Just because a product says it’s recyclable doesn’t mean it is. Click through The Onion’s quiz to see if you can guess whether each of the following products belong in the trash or recycling.Read more...
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on (#5YSQC)
MESA, AZ—Explaining that they could no longer bear to view the program they once enjoyed, local couple Craig and Rebecca Hollinger confirmed Monday that they were unable to watch a single episode of Daniel Tiger ever since their son died. “I know that our history of watching Daniel Tiger is separate from our time…Read more...
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on (#5YS9D)
A new study has found that exercising just half the CDC recommended amount can substantially fight depression, with adults who did activities equivalent to only 1.25 hours of brisk walking per week having an 18% lower risk of depression compared to inactive adults. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YS9C)
ST. CHARLES, IL—Screaming while reminded of the dark, traumatic days spent shooting dye-filled bullets at fellow soldiers abroad, combat veteran Jeremy Gordon confirmed Monday that the paintball course triggered violent flashbacks to an Afghanistan paintball course. “Oh, God, every time I step out onto the paintball…Read more...
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on (#5YQAT)
LAS VEGAS—Saying that they wanted to help fulfill the dreams of an 8-year-old boy stricken with terminal cancer, the Washington Commanders revealed Friday that they would let a Make-A-Wish Foundation announce a team draft pick, become the new team president, and take the fall for the team’s financial irregularities.…Read more...
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on (#5YQ6F)
A newly released poll found that 58% of registered voters surveyed would consider backing a moderate independent or third-party candidate over President Biden and former President Trump in the next election, while the majority also said they do not want either to run in 2024. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YPZM)
The U.S. recently negotiated the release of former Marine Trevor Reed in a prisoner exchange with Russia, continuing a delicate and often controversial practice employed by nations during wartime. The Onion looks back at some of the most famous prisoner exchanges throughout history.
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on (#5YPYB)
COLUMBUS, OH—Eliciting both outrage and acclaim from each side of the political aisle, Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) signed a new law Friday mandating that rape victims send thank you notes to perpetrators for the gift of parenthood. “Parenthood is God’s gift to these women, so it’s only polite that sexual assault victims…Read more...
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on (#5YPT4)
Trust us, it’s way better just to die alone. Here are the most effective ways to make friends as an adult.Read more...
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on (#5YPJC)
New York City’s Brooklyn Public Library announced a new initiative against growing censorship and book bans that provides young readers in the U.S. with free library cards to access its full eBook and audiobook collection. What do you think?Read more...
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