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on (#5YNRA)
WASHINGTON—In response to continued Russian aggression in Eastern Europe, Congress unanimously passed a $33 billion bill to send war-torn Ukraine free community college. “As Putin’s forces encircle the Donbas region, this free community college tuition will be vital to preparing the Ukrainians for the economy of…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-05 08:15 |
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on (#5YN4X)
Harvard University has announced it will spend $100 million to research and atone for its extensive ties with slavery, including plans to identify and support the descendants of enslaved people who labored at the Ivy League campus. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YN4W)
Just so you know, everyone featured in our books signed iron-clad NDAs, so if they spill before our book release, our lawyers will absolutely sue them and everyone they’ve ever loved into oblivion. No one, and we mean no one, is breaking this news but us.Read more...
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on (#5YMBG)
A New York judge has held Donald Trump in contempt and fined him $10,000 a day, following the former president’s failure to hand over documents to prosecutors investigating his business practices. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YMBH)
RACINE, WI—Touting the product’s ability to mentally and physically destroy insects via their deepest insecurities, Raid unveiled a new Confidence Killer pest control kit Thursday that fat shames ants into starving themselves. “With Raid’s new body dysmorphia kit, otherwise beautiful ants will hate their appearance so…Read more...
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on (#5YMA6)
If you die at a music festival, you die in real life. Here are the most dangerous things concert-goers should watch out for this year.Read more...
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on (#5YM1A)
MINNEAPOLIS—Pondering aloud about the performer’s upbeat, cheery nature, local man James Webber, 34, reportedly wondered Wednesday if the tambourine player in the band he was watching was actually that happy in real life. “Look at that huge smile on her face while she just hits that tambourine and taps her foot, you…Read more...
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on (#5YK1P)
KAUAI, HI—Growing increasingly frustrated by the lack of respect shown to his 1,500-acre estate, Mark Zuckerberg reportedly asked his Hawaiian neighbor this week to cut down the unsightly, overgrown rainforest encroaching his property. “It’s unfair that there’s this gigantic canopy of native trees completely…Read more...
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on (#5YJCJ)
PHOENIX—Struggling to truly comprehend the all of the recessed area’s myriad uses, local real estate agent Brenda Estrada was reportedly driven insane Tuesday by the endless possibilities of a nook. “This nook could be anything, I tell you. Anything,” said Estrada, explaining that it could be the perfect place to eat…Read more...
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on (#5YH3T)
The Florida Department of Education made headlines recently when it rejected a number of math textbooks amid rising concerns about school curriculums indoctrinating children with values some parents oppose. The Onion provides a rundown of all the changes Florida schools are making to textbooks and school curriculums.
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on (#5YF34)
LEAWOOD, KS—Faced with a steep decline in growth over the past few years, struggling cinema chain AMC Entertainment Holdings announced Friday it would clamp down on the practice of theater sharing among its customers. “Due to the mounting economic pressures AMC faces, we can no longer allow multiple people to use the…Read more...
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on (#5YF0Z)
Just be patient. You can always dress them down for being weak-willed later. If someone is having a panic attack, never say these things.Read more...
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on (#5YEYC)
BEACON, NY—Expressing disappointment in the enchanted kingdom’s shoddy craftsmanship and design, the children of the local Wentworth family told reporters Friday that the Ikea Klädskåp wardrobe they found in their uncle’s country estate contained a cheap, poorly constructed fantasy world inside. “When we first…Read more...
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on (#5YES1)
Knowing whether and how much to tip for a service can be confusing, especially for a cheapskate like you. The Onion provides a comprehensive guide to tipping.
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on (#5YES2)
PARSIPPANY, NJ—Introducing a variation on the brand’s well-known water-based personal lubricant, officials at K-Y announced Friday that their line of sexual enhancement products would be expanded to include a new drowsy nighttime lubricant. “K-Y P.M. is for those looking to bring a little more intimacy—and sleep—into…Read more...
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on (#5YES3)
BERKELEY, CA—Admitting he felt self-conscious following a workplace accident involving the highly experimental gene-editing technology, a local half-lobster scientist told reporters Friday he would just have to hope his coworkers didn’t notice his CRISPR mishap. “The main thing I need to do is make sure I don’t slip…Read more...
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on (#5YDVR)
In an unprecedented move certain to bring the entire tech industry to its knees, The Onion proudly announces this afternoon that it has purchased a 0.000000125% stake in Twitter.Read more...
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on (#5YDNQ)
Without social media, we turned to snacks. When the snacks dried up, we turned on each other.Read more...
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on (#5YDNG)
Twitter has permanently banned America’s most prestigious news publication, The Onion, in a huge overreach of power that encroaches on the mass media company’s first amendment rights, which critics are calling the beginning of the end for journalistic freedoms in the U.S. at the hands of brutal social media tyrants.…Read more...
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on (#5YCFS)
A judge has ruled the lawsuit challenging Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene’s qualifications to run for reelection can proceed, which alleges that she violated the 14th Amendment by engaging in obstructing the transfer of presidential power. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5YC5W)
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—With the final casualty figures still being determined, encouraging reports confirmed that multiple devastating explosions outside a large public school in western Kabul Wednesday had not killed any Ukrainian civilians. “We can all breathe a sigh of relief knowing that while the dead are still being…Read more...
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on (#5YAKP)
Prince Harry and his wife Meghan visited Queen Elizabeth II at Windsor Castle on their first joint visit to the U.K. since they gave up formal royal roles and moved to the U.S. more than two years ago. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5Y56T)
YouTube talk show Hot Ones features host Sean Evans interviewing celebrities over a plate of increasingly spicy hot wings, resulting in some wild and heated moments. The Onion looks at the craziest moments across Hot Ones’ seventeen seasons.Read more...
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on (#5Y56V)
WASHINGTON—Assisting the recently confirmed nominee in the final steps of her onboarding Wednesday, the Supreme Court IT guy reportedly walked soon-to-be Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson through the process of logging into her new gavel. “We require two-factor authentication to issue a majority, concurring, or dissenting…Read more...
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on (#5Y3HV)
COLUMBUS, OH—Shaking his head and sighing at the heavily tattooed woman across the park, local 51-year-old Michael Wagner reportedly stated “She’s going to regret all those once she gets older” Tuesday while gesturing at her kids. “Even now, most of them are pretty ugly—just think how bad they’re going to look in 20…Read more...
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on (#5XZTF)
A 60-year-old man in Germany was caught after allegedly being vaccinated for Covid as many as 90 times in order to obtain vaccination cards with real batch numbers and sell them to people who did not want to receive the immunization themselves. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XZRC)
Wind farm operator ESI Energy has been sentenced to probation and ordered to pay more than $8 million in fines and restitution for at least 150 eagles that were killed by its turbine blades over the past decade. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XZQZ)
THREE SEAS KINGDOM—Discouraged by his seeming lack of progress, the Lord of Darkness confirmed Friday that he was feeling burnt out by the repetitive cycle of rising to power, being defeated by the Chosen One, and rising again. “I mean, yeah, the entire land is blanketed in evil now, but how long until another…Read more...
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on (#5XZ8S)
MIAMI—A crowded nightclub reportedly erupted into contemplation Friday after an avant-garde DJ really got the entire dance floor thinking. “When that crazy-ass meditative soundscape dropped, everybody on the floor just started ruminating like wild,” said nightclub patron Lydia Wallace, adding that she and her friends…Read more...
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on (#5XZ8R)
While free speech is a constitutional right, many Americans do not feel it is properly protected at universities. The Onion asked several current college students how they’ve felt censored on campus, and this is what they said.
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on (#5XYJ9)
CHICAGO—Saying he had been absolutely blindsided by the sudden change in his fortunes, local 33-year-old Tyler Branton, a man who lost everything in cryptocurrencies, told reporters Thursday that he just wished several thousand more people had warned him. “If only a thousand—or even a few hundred—more friends had…Read more...
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on (#5XYG6)
Republicans in Tennessee have amended a bill that would establish an “alternative form of marriage,” primarily meant to create a class of common-law marriage that would be limited to heterosexual people, to include age limits after a week of backlash. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XYFX)
WASHINGTON—His lips flaring as he forced the loud blasts out of his lungs, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly brushed up on his honking Thursday in preparation for an important conference with the nation’s big rigs. “If we’re ever going to find common ground with these 18-wheelers, it’s essential that…Read more...
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on (#5XY4N)
Unless you’re getting paid some serious overtime, your Saturday and Sunday should be off limits. If your boss asks you to work on the weekend, here is what you should say.Read more...
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on (#5XY1R)
WASHINGTON—In a collaboration that all involved touted as an innovative step forward in the world of food science, several Wendy’s menu items were reportedly added to the periodic table of elements Thursday as part of a new sponsorship deal. “We are pleased to welcome the Baconator, the Hot Honey Chicken Sandwich, and…Read more...
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on (#5XXZG)
The Rappahannock tribe, a native tribe in Virginia, has reacquired 465 acres of their ancestral home that English settlers displaced them from in the 1660s, the purchase made possible by donors and grants as part of a growing movement of indigenous peoples fighting to reclaim their land. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5XVP0)
FREEPORT, TX—Taking a finger and tasting a scoop of the sticky, brown substance, Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm reportedly yelled, “They switched it for molasses!” Tuesday when she discovered the nation’s entire Strategic Petroleum Reserve had been stolen. “Good God, they can’t all be like this—no, no, no, no!”…Read more...
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