| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-09-20 08:24 |
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on (#6G840)
This week, Elon Musk introduced a beta version of an artificially intelligent chatbot named Grok" for some verified users of X, formerly known as Twitter. The Onion sat down for a conversation with the new AI, which was reportedly designed with wit and a rebellious streak, to test the features of this new large ...Read more...
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on (#6G75J)
Living in the world's wealthiest and most powerful war machine, U.S. citizens have a unique perspective on how to blow their enemies off the face of the earth. The Onion asked Americans how they would end the conflict between Israel and Hamas, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6G75K)
Uptight, fastidious, type-A personality seeks slovenly, carefree roommate to share apartment. Ideal applicant would only be able to put up with neurotic cleaning and constant nagging for so long before forcibly showing original tenant how to truly live life and have fun.Read more...
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on (#6G75N)
BOSTON-Overtaking Philadelphia for the top spot in the latest ranking published by U.S. News & World Report, Boston has been named the best city in which to vomit everywhere. An education hub with a vibrant sports culture and many historical attractions, Boston has earned its place atop our list as the nation's...Read more...
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on (#6G75P)
ST. CLOUD, MN-Wincing and gagging at the mere thought of consuming his nemesis, picky eater Daniel Welty refused to take a bite of the still-beating heart of his slain enemy, sources confirmed Wednesday. Young man, you're not getting up from this table until you at least try your defeated foe's pulsating heart," said...Read more...
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on (#6G75Q)
WASHINGTON-With shards of glass flying as the 2-year-old German shepherd crashed through a window, White House staff reportedly panicked Wednesday after an apparently unstoppable Commander Biden burst without warning into the Oval Office. No, boy, no-oh God!" a Secret Service agent screamed an instant before the...Read more...
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on (#6G6BZ)
BOULDER, CO-Despite having seen the parade of images in her feed whenever she logs on, local lesbian Marissa Hodges, 36, reportedly remained unaware Tuesday that her straight friend Lydia Galloway had been posting about actress Kristen Stewart on social media exclusively for Hodges' benefit. According to sources,...Read more...
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on (#6G69E)
In a recently surfaced video from 2022, House Speaker Mike Johnson reveals that he and his son use anti-porn software to monitor and eliminate each other's temptations to view erotica and sexually explicit material. The Onion asked porn stars what they thought about the speaker abstaining from porn, and this is what...Read more...
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on (#6G66W)
LONG ISLAND, NY-Decrying the stigma the film attached to a once-beloved species of fish, experts at the Coastal Research and Education Society released a report Tuesday blaming the 1975 blockbuster Jaws for transforming the public's perception of great white sharks from lovable household pets to bloodthirsty...Read more...
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on (#6G66X)
STURGEON BAY, WI-Drawing widespread condemnation for her brazen display of heartlessness, local mother Erin Markowitz reportedly let herself feel a moment of peace Tuesday a mere decade after her son's death. Jesus, all it takes is 10 years of therapy and constant mourning for your son, and suddenly you're fine...Read more...
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on (#6G66Y)
DAVIS, CA-Calling it the leading threat to the longevity of heterosexual relationships, psychologists at the University of California, Davis, told reporters Tuesday an overwhelming majority of intimate partnerships fall apart the moment a man playfully tries but fails to lift his girlfriend into the air. Once a man...Read more...
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on (#6G64S)
Aside from killing monkeys and destroying Twitter, Elon Musk has also had his sights set on something else: building Tesla's futuristic Cybertruck. The Onion asked Musk's fans why they want to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a Blade Runner rip-off, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6G64T)
KINGFISHER, NE-Gathering among survivors and families in the wake of yet another horrific tragedy, President Joe Biden met with victims of gun violence Tuesday to remind them there wasn't really anything stopping another mass shooting from happening in their community. What happened to you is something no family...Read more...
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on (#6G5KM)
WASHINGTON-Responding to a recent New York Times/Siena College poll that found the president trailing Donald Trump in almost every key battleground state, officials from Joe Biden's 2024 campaign downplayed the importance of winning the election next year. We're not going to waste our time fretting over the numbers...Read more...
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on (#6G5KN)
LOS ANGELES-Praising the film for shedding new light on Elvis Presley's turbulent, complicated marriage, critics lauded the new film Priscilla Monday as a haunting portrait of dating an awesome famous guy who is super rich and plays guitar, too. Sofia Coppola's Priscilla is a masterpiece that follows a young woman as...Read more...
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on (#6G5KP)
WASHINGTON-In a controversial 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that any American who underwent a legal abortion under Roe v. Wade must now be re-impregnated. Any U.S. citizen who terminated a pregnancy during the nearly 50 years that it was nationally legal must immediately report to a governmental agency...Read more...
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on (#6G57M)
While it's common knowledge that citizens have very little influence on elected officials, The Onion asked U.S. politicians how their constituents feel about a ceasefire in Gaza, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6G57N)
WASHINGTON-A concerning new study released Monday by the Federal Bureau of Prisons found that the nation's poverty is growing faster than officials can build prisons. The data shows that the number of people becoming destitute is currently outstripping our ability to set up new correctional facilities to imprison...Read more...
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on (#6G57P)
TORONTO-In order to ensure humanity's continued idiocy, professor and media personality Jordan Peterson argued Monday that only those below a certain IQ should be allowed to reproduce. It seems to me that it would be prudent to restrict access to childbirth exclusively to those proven to have below average...Read more...
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on (#6G57Q)
LINCOLN, NE-Finding promise in her ability to recognize her eldest grandchild as the one who failed to make the soccer team in eighth grade, family sources confirmed Monday that 87-year-old grandmother Serena Jackson was suffering from Alzheimer's disease but still able to remember all of her grandchildren's flaws....Read more...
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Woman Envisioning New Life As Reclusive Widow Just Seconds After Learning Husband Has Weird Migraine
on (#6G57R)
PORTLAND, ME-The entire tapestry of her future existence flashing before her eyes as her partner described his minor ailment, local woman Sandra Donaldson reportedly envisioned an entirely new life as a reclusive widow just seconds after her husband Scott mentioned he felt a weird migraine coming on. Oh, sorry...Read more...
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on (#6G3SM)
WINNETKA, IL-Describing a conversation that took place at a family gathering Friday, relatives of local conservative man Dennis Sherman told reporters it was obvious the 57-year-old's terrifying descriptions of Chicago had come directly from Dante's Inferno. He goes on and on about how depraved and awful the city is,...Read more...
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on (#6G3QK)
HOLLISTER, CA-Its stainless steel panels immediately crumpling from the pressure of the stream of water, a Tesla Cybertruck was reportedly torn to pieces Friday after getting sprayed by a hose. As seen in the now-viral video shared across social media platforms, the 7,000-pound electric vehicle splintered into dozens...Read more...
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on (#6G3QM)
WASHINGTON-Describing his own positive experience when he sought mental health treatment earlier this year, Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) reportedly reached out Friday to a Gazan child who had lost his entire family in an airstrike and encouraged the boy to try therapy. Trust me, if there's anyone who knows what it's...Read more...
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on (#6G3MP)
SWANSEA, MA-Frustration among the spectators at a local Little League game was reportedly rising Friday as the parents of the Cardinals team expressed their annoyance that the coach's son was getting preferential verbal abuse. The coach has screamed at his kid for screwing up five times already, and he hasn't even...Read more...
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on (#6G3MQ)
NEW YORK-Noting that seeing another photograph of the disgraced crypto entrepreneur is just a part of life at this point, a report released Friday confirmed that here is Sam Bankman-Fried's stupid little face again. Guess everyone has to keep looking at this fucking thing, so here it is," read the report in part,...Read more...
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on (#6G3HD)
HYATTSVILLE, MD-Helping to explain why the troubling statistic has increased significantly for the first time in two decades, figures from the National Center for Health Statistics released Friday showed that America's rising infant mortality rate was linked to sloppy form in baby-fighting rings. We've seen a direct...Read more...
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on (#6G3BA)
Amid concerns about the increase in misinformation and propaganda, The Onion asked Americans where they get their unbiased information about Israel and Palestine, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#6G1AP)
MOUNT JULIET, TN-Notifying the woman that she had run afoul of the corporation's rules of employment, Amazon is said to have fired a warehouse employee Wednesday after the worker tested positive for having food in her system. This meeting is to inform you that you have violated Amazon's strict zero-tolerance policy...Read more...
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on (#6G0FZ)
THE HEAVENS-Admitting that His heavenly dictates had made the Franciscan friar suffer enough, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly threw celibate monk Roberto Nevastri a pity wet dream this week. He's been so good resisting temptation and respecting chastity over the past few decades that the least I...Read more...
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on (#6G0G0)
NEW YORK-Citing their complete lack of self-awareness and inability to read basic social cues, the nation's CEOs gathered Monday to announce their plan to be total fucking freaks when you run into them in the bathroom. Please note that we may make direct eye-contact and chat about random topics while standing next to...Read more...
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on (#6G0CC)
SADDLE RIVER, NJ-Smiling at the crowd of journalists and supporters as he posed for photos during the official ribbon-cutting ceremony, Nick Cannon reportedly opened an adoption agency Tuesday. For all of the people out there who are struggling to conceive at least 12 children, I'm here to help," said Cannon, the...Read more...
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on (#6FZE8)
TEL AVIV-Explaining why they had continued airstrikes and launched a ground offensive in the Palestinian enclave, Israeli officials warned Monday that Gaza was still harboring hundreds of doctors. It is repugnant to demand that Israel cease hostilities when there are still hundreds, if not thousands, of surgeons,...Read more...
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