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on (#5NVQK)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Urging residents to stay in their homes and away from medical facilities, Governor Ron DeSantis locked down Florida Friday after the spread of Covid vaccinations got out of hand. “With inoculation numbers skyrocketing across the Sunshine State, I have been forced the take the extreme measure of locking…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-04-22 14:04 |
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on (#5NVMK)
CHICAGO—Offering readers a nice little kickback in exchange for their assistance, a report released Friday promised that if you click on some ads around this article, The Onion would spit the loot 60/40. “We can confirm that your efforts to click on the advertisements around our website will generate profits for The…Read more...
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on (#5NVJ2)
Deciding not to become a parent is a deeply personal choice, but for some, it’s also the perfect excuse to start a loud and dumb conversation. If someone asks you why you don’t have kids, this is exactly what you should say.Read more...
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on (#5NV9K)
Erik Prince, the private military contractor and Blackwater founder who made billions off the United States’ wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, is planning to charge $6,500 per seat on a chartered evacuation flight out of Kabul. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NTAJ)
No applicant can be compelled to divulge information about themselves that could lead to them not getting hired.Read more...
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on (#5NT75)
CUDDEBACKVILLE, NY—Estimating that the rule change had been made at least five seasons ago, local fantasy football player Gregg Holiday revealed Thursday that he was way too deep into his fantasy league to ask what the acronym “PPR” stood for now. “I don’t know, man, I’ve always thought it was ‘play perception ratio,…Read more...
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on (#5NT4S)
THE MULTIVERSE—Responding to an ongoing multi-gigannum conflict that had been ravaging innumerous timelines in a single second for 500,000 years, humanitarian organization Doctors Without Dimensions reportedly phased into a war-torn nonlinear universe Thursday. “We’ve been warping to spatial time-parts of…Read more...
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on (#5NS6Z)
Get ready, because we’ve got some absolutely thrilling news to share with you: Myron Vanpabst, the vengeful nobleman we’re always mocking, has just invited us to try a rare video game in the catacombs of his estate!
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on (#5NS70)
SUMMIT, NJ—Determined to gather all the facts before drawing any conclusions, local vaccine skeptic Joel Edwards was reportedly doing his own research Wednesday by enrolling 45,000 friends in a double-blind clinical trial. “It’s important to always think for yourself, which is why I’m conducting a 5-year, 3-phase,…Read more...
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on (#5NS1Z)
Kathy Hochul has been officially sworn in as New York’s first-ever female governor, replacing now-former Governor Andrew Cuomo who resigned after a state investigation found he had sexually harassed 11 women. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NRSP)
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Derailing a digital company meeting in the year 2055, colleagues of future man Pete Dorner confirmed Wednesday that the respected architect had accidentally uploaded his virtual penis directly into their brains in the middle of a work call. “Oh God, oh no—please disregard my last intracranial memo,…Read more...
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on (#5NRSQ)
Autonomous sensory meridian response, or ASMR, has inspired a video phenomenon with millions of viewers, although its popularity can also confound. The Onion answers common questions about ASMR.
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on (#5NRSR)
Your boss may claim to be your friend in the workplace, but deep down, they’re secretly a powerful, deep-seated enemy that is hell-bent on your demise. Here’s how to know if your manager actually hates you.
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on (#5NREV)
CHICAGO—In a shocking and serious turn of events, sources reportedly received word from multiple sources Tuesday that you have reached your free article limit. “Uh-oh, it looks like you’ve hit your limit—click here to confirm you’d like to continue reading TheOnion.com,” said sources, who stressed that you were only…Read more...
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on (#5NQ8V)
CHICAGO—Trembling with trepidation at what wonders lay in store, friends of local man Marc Gaines reportedly listened in rapt enjoyment Tuesday as he recounted the plot of The Jungle Cruise, a film he had watched over the weekend. “So basically, Emily Blunt is this explorer and she’s going around with her brother…Read more...
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on (#5NPYA)
OnlyFans, which has amassed a base of more than 130 million users largely for adult-oriented subscription fan pages, has announced that it will ban sexually explicit content this fall to comply with requests of banking partners. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NP59)
NEW YORK—In an effort to provide more in-depth analysis of the ongoing situation in Kabul, CNN anchor Don Lemon reportedly announced Monday that he was going to “take it to our Afghanistan experts” before the broadcast cut to a panel full of Dick Cheneys. “You know, that’s an excellent point, Dick, and I agree that…Read more...
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on (#5NP10)
WASHINGTON—Urging the public to save themselves while they still could, astronomers confirmed today that the moon—right there in the sky!—was getting closer. “Dear God, run you fools! Run before the moon destroys us all!” said visibly panicked NASA administrator Bill Nelson, gesturing to the enormous lunar surface as…Read more...
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on (#5NK0F)
CULVER CITY, CA—In the wake of a public backlash over disparaging remarks he made on his former podcast, Jeopardy! announced Friday that Mike Richards would be stepping down from his new job as host of the show and remaining on in the reduced role of podium buzzer. “After reviewing his regrettable comments, we believe…Read more...
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on (#5NK0G)
United States officials declared the first-ever water shortage for the Colorado River, which provides drinking water and irrigation to 40 million in the West, triggering usage cuts after water levels of its largest reservoir hit record lows. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NK0J)
SHERWOOD, OR—Praising the artist for the bold stylistic choices made with her latest release, local 25-year-old Megan Eckert, a woman who has already bought $250 VIP concert tickets for Lorde’s Solar Power tour, told friends Friday that she found the singer-songwriter’s new direction “actually really interesting,”…Read more...
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on (#5NJYA)
LONDON—In a call to investors explaining the thought process behind the site’s new content policy, OnlyFans CEO Tim Stokely revealed Friday that he made the decision to ban pornography on the platform in the shame-filled moments after orgasm. “Once I’d masturbated to completion, I felt so utterly disgusted with myself…Read more...
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on (#5NJVB)
Well, it looks like we’ve got some sad news for fans of the iconic Mario franchise—the expanding surveillance state is making it impossible for Boos to move around and live their lives freely.
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on (#5NJPE)
Cold brew coffee can be a delightful way to start your summer day, but making it can be tricky. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to making cold brew coffee.Read more...
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on (#5NG4P)
DALLAS — Haunted by questions surrounding his role in one of modern history’s greatest blunders, former President George W. Bush reportedly spent a sleepless night Wednesday wondering if he was to blame for the long-term collapse of the Texas Rangers. “All these years, I told myself I did the right thing with the…Read more...
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on (#5NG21)
THOMASVILLE, GA—In a development that put a damper on what sources said was usually a fun activity for the students, a local kindergarten show-and-tell was reportedly marred Wednesday when every single child in the class brought in the ashes of a relative who died from Covid-19. “This is my Nana, who bakes cookies and…Read more...
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on (#5NFK0)
Writing a memoir seems to be a rite of passage for celebrities these days, making it hard to know which ones are actually worth your time. The Onion provides a list of the most shocking celebrity memoirs.
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on (#5NFJX)
The Biden administration has approved a significant and permanent increase to SNAP benefits available to needy families, increasing by more than 25% above pre-pandemic levels. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5NESX)
NEW YORK—Shedding new light on the notorious killer’s life, researchers at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice announced Tuesday they had uncovered evidence that the late Albert DeSalvo, better known as the Boston Strangler, was too chickenshit to strangle in a real city like New York. “We have authenticated…Read more...
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on (#5NDG4)
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—As reporters, news crews, and pundits rushed to evacuate from Hamid Karzai International Airport, the United States completed its withdrawal from Afghanistan Monday, thereby marking the end to the longest media farce in American history. “Today, 20 years after the first invasion, we are finally…Read more...
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on (#5ND9E)
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—In a development that sent shock waves through the international community and negated two decades of effort by American-led coalition forces, reports confirmed Monday that Afghanistan fell to the Taliban a couple hours earlier than anyone expected. “We of course knew the well-armed, well-organized,…Read more...
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on (#5NA5W)
BROOKLYN, NY—Scouring every cabinet and drawer in a frantic search for the remedy, a panicked Danny DeVito ran out of the anti-growth serum that keeps him under five feet, sources confirmed Friday. “Shit, shit, shit, where is it?!” said the alarmed actor as his body began to rapidly expand, sprouting six-pack abs,…Read more...
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on (#5N9XX)
BALTIMORE—In a new study published Friday in the Journal Of Abnormal Psychology, researchers at Johns Hopkins University concluded there was no greater sign of delusion than when, on your last day of work, you send coworkers your personal email address in hopes of keeping in touch. “The belief that any of your…Read more...
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on (#5N9MB)
Wesleyan College in West Virginia has announced that it will not be mandating Covid-19 vaccines for students, and instead will be charging unvaccinated students a non-refundable $750 fee to pay for expenses associated with testing. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5N9MA)
NEW ORLEANS—Having been informed by friends that such an item of clothing was essential in the Pacific Northwest, area man Walter Katrakis told reporters Friday he was shopping around for a nice fire-resistant jacket in anticipation of his move to Portland, OR. “I read that the Pacific Northwest can get up to 15 feet…Read more...
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on (#5N9M9)
Whether you’ve just moved or want to upgrade your current decor, it’s essential to know what you’re looking for before buying new furniture. The Onion offers helpful tips for making the most of your new furniture purchases.Read more...
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on (#5N8TM)
If motherhood is supposed to be the most beautiful experience in the world, then why is there so much piss, shit, and vomit? Here are the most disgusting things every new parent immediately gets used to.
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on (#5N8RK)
LONDON—Coming to for the first time in decades, Jimmy Wales reportedly glanced up Thursday to realize he had gotten sucked into a Wikipedia rabbit hole for the past 20 years. “Oh, yikes, I remember back in 2001 I was just going to spend a little time founding this new online encyclopedia, but then that led to…Read more...
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on (#5N8RM)
NEW ORLEANS—Breathing heavily after the long run returning the chew toy to the 27-year-old quarterback, local dog Tootsie expressed frustration Thursday after Jameis Winston sailed a tennis ball five feet over his head. “Are you kidding me? I’m wide open,” said the golden retriever, who lamented running a perfect…Read more...
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on (#5N8PS)
Executive producer Mike Richards and actor Mayim Bialik have been named permanent co-hosts of Jeopardy!, with Richards hosting the daily syndicated program and Bialik hosting the primetime series and new spinoffs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5N8GR)
GREENVILLE, CA—Hoping to score a rare piece of prime real estate, numerous California homebuyers were reportedly locked in a bidding war Thursday over the charred remains of a ranch house. “A home like this with such lovely architecture so rarely comes onto the market that we’re not going to let a little thing like it…Read more...
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