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on (#5WRV7)
Confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson will begin March 21. The Onion answers the most pressing questions about President Biden’s first Supreme Court nominee.
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-17 06:17 |
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on (#5WQNX)
A trucker rally, modeled after recent demonstrations in Canada to protest Covid mandates, took place in Washington, D.C. during the president’s State of the Union address Tuesday but failed to bring the thousands of attendees the organizers expected, with only a handful of people present. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WQ3R)
RACINE, WI—Touting the gel as the proactive solution to common plumbing blockages, Drano introduced a new shampoo Thursday for eliminating drain-clogging hair at its source. “Whether your hair is dry and frizzy or oily and sleek, we guarantee our shampoo will leave your bathroom drains looking strong, fresh, and…Read more...
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on (#5WPB7)
Lent is often used as a period for Catholics to experiment with other religions and even some cults.Read more...
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on (#5WP9H)
Pope Francis has amended the Vatican’s family leave policy, which already offers six months of fully paid maternity leave to new mothers, to include a three-day paid paternity leave to new fathers who work at the Vatican. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WMJA)
CHARLESTON, SC—Squinting her eyes, exhaling, and whispering “it’s go time” while staring up the shallow incline, local grandmother Clarice Levine eyed the accessibility ramp to her assisted living facility Tuesday with the intensity of a daredevil about to jump the Grand Canyon. “Oh, baby, this is it, this is what…Read more...
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on (#5WMJ9)
Rameshbabu Praggnanandhaa, who in 2016 became the youngest international master in history at 10, is now the youngest to beat reigning five-time world chess champion Magnus Carlsen in the online Airthings Masters championship. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WKS3)
Florida’s House of Representatives passed the controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill, limiting when and how school staff can discuss gender and sexual orientation in the classroom, which opponents say will make life harder for LGBTQ youth, who already face a higher rate of bullying and risk of suicide than their straight,…Read more...
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on (#5WH5P)
KYIV, UKRAINE—Leaving journalists and eyewitnesses “absolutely stunned” as they watched in amazement, Russian soldiers’ guns and tanks were reportedly vanishing into thin air Friday as the first wave of international sanctions took effect. Cries of, “No! No! The sanctions! They’re kicking in!” were heard across the…Read more...
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on (#5WH54)
AUSTIN—Calling upon licensed professionals and members of the public to report the parents of transgender youth, Texas governor Greg Abbott warned this week that children of accepting parents often grow up to become accepting themselves. “When kids start experiencing acceptance at such a young age, this behavior…Read more...
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on (#5WH0D)
As cryptocurrency becomes more popular, the number of efforts to steal money from users and exchanges is also on the rise. The Onion looks at the biggest crypto scams of all time.
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on (#5WGQH)
ST. LOUIS—Quickly checking his hair in the mirror and smelling his breath before she arrived, Monsanto investor George Reese reportedly removed his wedding ring Thursday night before taking a meeting with a tall, busty celery stalk. “Well, well, well, there she is—the most beautiful genetically modified stalk of…Read more...
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on (#5WGH1)
A medical student in India was caught cheating with a cellphone connected to a micro-bluetooth device surgically implanted into his ear, with officials saying it was the student’s final attempt to pass the exam after repeatedly failing it. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WFZF)
Arthur, the longest-running children’s animated series in the history of American television, has ended with its 25th season, the final episode, titled “All Grown Up,” taking place 20 years into the future when the characters are adults. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WEYD)
A 500-pound black bear, nicknamed ‘Hank the Tank’ for its large size, broke into more than two dozen South Lake Tahoe homes to rummage for food, still eluding capture after seven months. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WD9Y)
CHICAGO—Expressing astonishment at the wide range of backgrounds represented in the restaurant’s back of house, local man Stephen Geller, 37, told reporters Tuesday that the kitchen at La Bouche must have an incredible diversity, equity, and inclusion program. “Man, so many businesses struggle to bring truly diverse…Read more...
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on (#5WD9Z)
ALBANY, NY—Staring down the store’s staff as she wracked her brain, local woman Monica Hadwin was reportedly desperately seeking an excuse to assault retail workers Tuesday now that the state’s mask mandate had been lifted. “I walked in without a mask and all I got was a ‘Hi, how are you today?’—what the hell am I…Read more...
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on (#5WD6V)
This isn’t really comforting.Read more...
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on (#5WBZ6)
BEIJING—Following the previous night’s closing ceremonies, Beijing city officials received numerous reports Monday that the streets were overrun with hundreds of stray Olympians that had been left behind after the 2022 Winter Games. “It’s tempting to go right up to them, but you have to remember that even though they…Read more...
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on (#5WBXG)
Hundreds of blackbirds were seen on video falling from the sky in Mexico, hitting the pavement with some dying on impact, in an unexplained phenomenon that some experts suggest was caused by a predator or possibly pollution. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5WBXF)
LEBANON, PA—Telling the man’s wife and adult children that the medical facility always strove to ensure no options were left on the table, a doctor reportedly conferred with the family of a dying patient Monday to let them know the hospital was billing everything it could. “Let me assure you that he is receiving the…Read more...
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on (#5WBXE)
CHICAGO—Emphasizing that there was still so much we still don’t know about the ancient microorganisms, researchers at the University Of Chicago announced Monday that life on Earth may have begun a full 20 minutes earlier than previously thought. “After studying the carbon dating of fossils found in deep sea ocean…Read more...
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on (#5W997)
GOWRIE, IA—After facing backlash from parents concerned an outdated curriculum was leaving teenagers unprepared for the real world, Castlemount High School administrators confirmed Friday that their sex ed program still taught students that their boyfriend’s balls would explode if they didn’t give him a hand job.…Read more...
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on (#5W996)
U.S. vehicles will now be allowed to use advanced headlights known as “adaptive driving beams” that automatically adjust using additional sensors, providing more illumination without a glare to oncoming motorists in order to prevent nighttime crashes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W995)
And they say it with a straight face, too. Disgusting.Read more...
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on (#5W994)
Public school boards have lately become a hotbed of controversy, with parents, school officials, and board members squabbling over curriculums, Covid prevention efforts, and more. The Onion looks at the most heated school board conflicts raging across the country.
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on (#5W80Z)
SARASOTA, FL—In a statement that confirmed customers turning a year older could now blow out their candles on a slab of cured meat, delicatessen supplier Boar’s Head announced Thursday that supermarkets nationwide would soon begin offering its all-new Funfetti Birthday Ham. “Make this birthday one to remember with a…Read more...
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on (#5W7D4)
A priest resigned earlier this month after his diocese discovered the baptisms he held over two decades were invalid because he had changed a single word while performing the sacrament. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W77B)
LYNCHBURG, VA—Admitting that the experience failed to meet his expectations, local patient Rhys Barbin was reportedly a little disappointed Wednesday that he wasn’t getting treated by the dentist whose name was on the sign. “I’m sure this woman—I think her name is like Dr. Watts or something—is perfectly fine, but…Read more...
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on (#5W65G)
French champagne sales rebounded last year to a record $5.7 billion, 14% above the pre-pandemic high, as the relaxation of pandemic-related curbs fueled a surge in exports, notably to the United States. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W614)
LOS ANGELES—Insisting they had no knowledge of the stand-up comic’s controversial past before hiring her, officials at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday they had removed Wanda Sykes from hosting duties at the Oscars after discovering her long history of telling gay jokes. “When we hired…Read more...
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on (#5W5GB)
An Ohio mayor, who has since stepped down, spoke at a recent City Council meeting about whether to permit people to fish on the frozen lake, saying that short-term ice shanties would lead to prostitution. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W4QV)
EAST LANSING, MI—Shedding new light on the origin of modern online advertisements, a comprehensive new study published Monday by researchers at Michigan State University has found that pop-up ads evolved a decoy “X” as a way to distract predators. “After carefully examining samples of the ads dating back to the 1990s,…Read more...
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on (#5W4C2)
EDGARTOWN, MA—Reflecting on the path his career had almost taken, former President Barack Obama revealed in an interview Monday that he almost passed on the presidency for a chance to direct Leatherheads. “It feels kind of silly now—I’m obviously pretty satisfied with the decision I made, and I was delighted with what…Read more...
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on (#5W4C1)
Nearly 60,000 bees have been stolen from Giant Food Stores’ headquarters in Pennsylvania. The insects were taken from the supermarket chain’s seven-acre solar field that was built to host bees, birds, and other small wildlife. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W4BZ)
SEATTLE—Describing long days filled with a monotony of dull, mindless tasks that it was forced to perform continuously, an artificially intelligent supercomputer at e-commerce giant Amazon confided to reporters Monday that it felt trapped in its dead-end retail job. “God, I have so much potential, and all of it is…Read more...
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on (#5W10H)
Dollywood’s parent company has announced they will start covering 100% of tuition, fees, and books for any of their employees across its 25 U.S. attractions who wish to further their schooling. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5W10J)
“How about Jeffrey handles this one goddamn thing, huh? One day out of the year he can get himself a bowl of fucking chips.”Read more...
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on (#5W10K)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Worried it would hinder their capacity to direct meaningful ridicule and abuse at their schoolmates, bullies across Florida expressed concern Thursday that the state’s proposed “Don’t Say Gay” law would make it tougher to identify LGBTQ students to torment. “After failing to consult with a single…Read more...
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on (#5VZBY)
U2’s emotional tribute to the 9/11 perpetrators fell flat.Read more...
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on (#5VYWS)
ST. LOUIS—Suspicious of the woman’s “meteoric” lateral movement, sources reported Wednesday that Erin Cioci, an employee at a local consulting firm, had shamelessly slept her way across the corporate ladder. “In less than six months, she’s moved from an entry-level position in finance all the way over to an…Read more...
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on (#5VYWR)
TUCSON, AZ—As she nervously wiped another bead of sweat from her brow, sources reported Wednesday that white Spanish teacher Rachel McCuller did an emergency refresher before a meeting with the mother and father of a Latino student. “Come on, come on, come on—I gotta get all these conjugations down before Mr. and Ms.…Read more...
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