The Onion

As cryptocurrency becomes more popular, the number of efforts to steal money from users and exchanges is also on the rise. The Onion looks at the biggest crypto scams of all time.

ST. LOUIS—Quickly checking his hair in the mirror and smelling his breath before she arrived, Monsanto investor George Reese reportedly removed his wedding ring Thursday night before taking a meeting with a tall, busty celery stalk. “Well, well, well, there she is—the most beautiful genetically modified stalk of…Read more...

A medical student in India was caught cheating with a cellphone connected to a micro-bluetooth device surgically implanted into his ear, with officials saying it was the student’s final attempt to pass the exam after repeatedly failing it. What do you think?Read more...

Arthur, the longest-running children’s animated series in the history of American television, has ended with its 25th season, the final episode, titled “All Grown Up,” taking place 20 years into the future when the characters are adults. What do you think?Read more...

A 500-pound black bear, nicknamed ‘Hank the Tank’ for its large size, broke into more than two dozen South Lake Tahoe homes to rummage for food, still eluding capture after seven months. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Expressing astonishment at the wide range of backgrounds represented in the restaurant’s back of house, local man Stephen Geller, 37, told reporters Tuesday that the kitchen at La Bouche must have an incredible diversity, equity, and inclusion program. “Man, so many businesses struggle to bring truly diverse…Read more...

ALBANY, NY—Staring down the store’s staff as she wracked her brain, local woman Monica Hadwin was reportedly desperately seeking an excuse to assault retail workers Tuesday now that the state’s mask mandate had been lifted. “I walked in without a mask and all I got was a ‘Hi, how are you today?’—what the hell am I…Read more...

This isn’t really comforting.Read more...

BEIJING—Following the previous night’s closing ceremonies, Beijing city officials received numerous reports Monday that the streets were overrun with hundreds of stray Olympians that had been left behind after the 2022 Winter Games. “It’s tempting to go right up to them, but you have to remember that even though they…Read more...

Hundreds of blackbirds were seen on video falling from the sky in Mexico, hitting the pavement with some dying on impact, in an unexplained phenomenon that some experts suggest was caused by a predator or possibly pollution. What do you think?Read more...

LEBANON, PA—Telling the man’s wife and adult children that the medical facility always strove to ensure no options were left on the table, a doctor reportedly conferred with the family of a dying patient Monday to let them know the hospital was billing everything it could. “Let me assure you that he is receiving the…Read more...

CHICAGO—Emphasizing that there was still so much we still don’t know about the ancient microorganisms, researchers at the University Of Chicago announced Monday that life on Earth may have begun a full 20 minutes earlier than previously thought. “After studying the carbon dating of fossils found in deep sea ocean…Read more...

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GOWRIE, IA—After facing backlash from parents concerned an outdated curriculum was leaving teenagers unprepared for the real world, Castlemount High School administrators confirmed Friday that their sex ed program still taught students that their boyfriend’s balls would explode if they didn’t give him a hand job.…Read more...

U.S. vehicles will now be allowed to use advanced headlights known as “adaptive driving beams” that ​​automatically adjust using additional sensors, providing more illumination without a glare to oncoming motorists in order to prevent nighttime crashes. What do you think?Read more...

And they say it with a straight face, too. Disgusting.Read more...

Public school boards have lately become a hotbed of controversy, with parents, school officials, and board members squabbling over curriculums, Covid prevention efforts, and more. The Onion looks at the most heated school board conflicts raging across the country.

SARASOTA, FL—In a statement that confirmed customers turning a year older could now blow out their candles on a slab of cured meat, delicatessen supplier Boar’s Head announced Thursday that supermarkets nationwide would soon begin offering its all-new Funfetti Birthday Ham. “Make this birthday one to remember with a…Read more...

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A priest resigned earlier this month after his diocese discovered the baptisms he held over two decades were invalid because he had changed a single word while performing the sacrament. What do you think?Read more...

LYNCHBURG, VA—Admitting that the experience failed to meet his expectations, local patient Rhys Barbin was reportedly a little disappointed Wednesday that he wasn’t getting treated by the dentist whose name was on the sign. “I’m sure this woman—I think her name is like Dr. Watts or something—is perfectly fine, but…Read more...

French champagne sales rebounded last year to a record $5.7 billion, 14% above the pre-pandemic high, as the relaxation of pandemic-related curbs fueled a surge in exports, notably to the United States. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Insisting they had no knowledge of the stand-up comic’s controversial past before hiring her, officials at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday they had removed Wanda Sykes from hosting duties at the Oscars after discovering her long history of telling gay jokes. “When we hired…Read more...

An Ohio mayor, who has since stepped down, spoke at a recent City Council meeting about whether to permit people to fish on the frozen lake, saying that short-term ice shanties would lead to prostitution. What do you think?Read more...

EAST LANSING, MI—Shedding new light on the origin of modern online advertisements, a comprehensive new study published Monday by researchers at Michigan State University has found that pop-up ads evolved a decoy “X” as a way to distract predators. “After carefully examining samples of the ads dating back to the 1990s,…Read more...

EDGARTOWN, MA—Reflecting on the path his career had almost taken, former President Barack Obama revealed in an interview Monday that he almost passed on the presidency for a chance to direct Leatherheads. “It feels kind of silly now—I’m obviously pretty satisfied with the decision I made, and I was delighted with what…Read more...

Nearly 60,000 bees have been stolen from Giant Food Stores’ headquarters in Pennsylvania. The insects were taken from the supermarket chain’s seven-acre solar field that was built to host bees, birds, and other small wildlife. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—Describing long days filled with a monotony of dull, mindless tasks that it was forced to perform continuously, an artificially intelligent supercomputer at e-commerce giant Amazon confided to reporters Monday that it felt trapped in its dead-end retail job. “God, I have so much potential, and all of it is…Read more...

Dollywood’s parent company has announced they will start covering 100% of tuition, fees, and books for any of their employees across its 25 U.S. attractions who wish to further their schooling. What do you think?Read more...

“How about Jeffrey handles this one goddamn thing, huh? One day out of the year he can get himself a bowl of fucking chips.”Read more...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Worried it would hinder their capacity to direct meaningful ridicule and abuse at their schoolmates, bullies across Florida expressed concern Thursday that the state’s proposed “Don’t Say Gay” law would make it tougher to identify LGBTQ students to torment. “After failing to consult with a single…Read more...

U2’s emotional tribute to the 9/11 perpetrators fell flat.Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Suspicious of the woman’s “meteoric” lateral movement, sources reported Wednesday that Erin Cioci, an employee at a local consulting firm, had shamelessly slept her way across the corporate ladder. “In less than six months, she’s moved from an entry-level position in finance all the way over to an…Read more...

TUCSON, AZ—As she nervously wiped another bead of sweat from her brow, sources reported Wednesday that white Spanish teacher Rachel McCuller did an emergency refresher before a meeting with the mother and father of a Latino student. “Come on, come on, come on—I gotta get all these conjugations down before Mr. and Ms.…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Recklessly delving into the drama without so much as a thought to its waning cultural importance, local idiot Matthew Zeigler reportedly started watching Showtime’s Yellowjackets Wednesday, weeks after it would have helped him in casual conversation. “Oh man, this is actually pretty cool,” said the stupid…Read more...

While banning critical race theory is certainly a dangerous new precedent, the truth is, schools have always censored the history of race in America. Here are several glaring examples of how U.S. history classes are whitewashed.Read more...

A French brewer has released a blue beer using algae that has a naturally occurring pigment, collaborating with a firm trying to popularize algae as a dietary supplement. What do you think?Read more...

A Tennessee far-right pastor hosted a book burning event, encouraging parishioners to toss books like Harry Potter and Twilight, as well as tarot cards and “voodoo dolls and crystals” into a fire to denounce what he described as “demonic” materials.” What do you think?Read more...

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A citizen of both China and the United States, Gu is using her platform to promote peace and understanding so the two global powers can band together and crush the rest of the world.Read more...

COOKEVILLE, TN—In a move to protect students from being indoctrinated against their will with radical left-wing theories, a teacher at the local high school was reportedly fired Monday for breaking Tennessee’s critical race theory laws when she told her students she was Black. “Simply put, we cannot have a teacher in…Read more...

PROVIDENCE, RI—Upon exiting the theater after a showing of American Underdog, local dentist Andrew Breitenstein told friends Monday that he thought the teeth in the film were really accurate. “Man, a lot of these Hollywood productions don’t care about attention to detail, but the teeth in that movie were perfect—they…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Signaling a potential change in strategy after a tumultuous first year, Biden administration officials confirmed Monday they were considering a pivot to a good presidency. “While we’re confident that the nation needed flailing, directionless leadership, we are starting to realize that what Americans want is…Read more...

A new study has found that gas stoves are contributing more to global warming than previously thought because of constant tiny methane leaks while they’re off, annually putting out an amount of greenhouse gases equivalent to 500,000 gas-powered cars. What do you think?Read more...

Tom Brady has officially announced his retirement from the NFL after 22 record-breaking seasons, ending his career after winning seven Super Bowls with the New England Patriots and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. What do you think?Read more...

Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion hung out with pop star and fashion mogul Rihanna to get a window into a typical week in her life.

Debate among scientists has risen in recent years about whether we live in a simulation, but what does that even mean, and what would be the consequences if we did? The Onion answers common questions about whether we live in a simulation.

JACKSON, MS—In an effort to revitalize the country’s geographical holdings, the state of Mississippi reportedly underwent a controlled demolition Wednesday to make way for a new high-end luxury U.S. territory. “We are excited to announce that as part of a nationwide renewal initiative, we have detonated charges…Read more...

That’s going to open way fewer doors than a boomer thinks.Read more...