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on (#5VYWP)
CHICAGO—Recklessly delving into the drama without so much as a thought to its waning cultural importance, local idiot Matthew Zeigler reportedly started watching Showtime’s Yellowjackets Wednesday, weeks after it would have helped him in casual conversation. “Oh man, this is actually pretty cool,” said the stupid…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-05 03:00 |
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on (#5VYWM)
While banning critical race theory is certainly a dangerous new precedent, the truth is, schools have always censored the history of race in America. Here are several glaring examples of how U.S. history classes are whitewashed.Read more...
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on (#5VXHS)
A French brewer has released a blue beer using algae that has a naturally occurring pigment, collaborating with a firm trying to popularize algae as a dietary supplement. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VWSK)
A Tennessee far-right pastor hosted a book burning event, encouraging parishioners to toss books like Harry Potter and Twilight, as well as tarot cards and “voodoo dolls and crystals” into a fire to denounce what he described as “demonic” materials.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VWM9)
A citizen of both China and the United States, Gu is using her platform to promote peace and understanding so the two global powers can band together and crush the rest of the world.Read more...
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on (#5VWF1)
COOKEVILLE, TN—In a move to protect students from being indoctrinated against their will with radical left-wing theories, a teacher at the local high school was reportedly fired Monday for breaking Tennessee’s critical race theory laws when she told her students she was Black. “Simply put, we cannot have a teacher in…Read more...
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on (#5VWF2)
PROVIDENCE, RI—Upon exiting the theater after a showing of American Underdog, local dentist Andrew Breitenstein told friends Monday that he thought the teeth in the film were really accurate. “Man, a lot of these Hollywood productions don’t care about attention to detail, but the teeth in that movie were perfect—they…Read more...
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on (#5VWCM)
WASHINGTON—Signaling a potential change in strategy after a tumultuous first year, Biden administration officials confirmed Monday they were considering a pivot to a good presidency. “While we’re confident that the nation needed flailing, directionless leadership, we are starting to realize that what Americans want is…Read more...
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on (#5VW8B)
A new study has found that gas stoves are contributing more to global warming than previously thought because of constant tiny methane leaks while they’re off, annually putting out an amount of greenhouse gases equivalent to 500,000 gas-powered cars. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VR2D)
Tom Brady has officially announced his retirement from the NFL after 22 record-breaking seasons, ending his career after winning seven Super Bowls with the New England Patriots and Tampa Bay Buccaneers. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VR2C)
Celebrities are just like us: stupid and miserable. They’re also much richer and more important, which makes their lives more interesting than ours. The Onion hung out with pop star and fashion mogul Rihanna to get a window into a typical week in her life.
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on (#5VQ44)
Debate among scientists has risen in recent years about whether we live in a simulation, but what does that even mean, and what would be the consequences if we did? The Onion answers common questions about whether we live in a simulation.
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on (#5VPRY)
JACKSON, MS—In an effort to revitalize the country’s geographical holdings, the state of Mississippi reportedly underwent a controlled demolition Wednesday to make way for a new high-end luxury U.S. territory. “We are excited to announce that as part of a nationwide renewal initiative, we have detonated charges…Read more...
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on (#5VPRX)
That’s going to open way fewer doors than a boomer thinks.Read more...
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on (#5VPRW)
Former President Donald Trump promised at a recent rally in Texas that he will pardon supporters who attacked the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021 if he runs for and wins the 2024 presidential election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VPPQ)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Representing a breakthrough in dental health, a study published Wednesday by Harvard University found that a majority of cavities were formed when people repeatedly ran their tongue over a tooth that felt weird. “In our research, the leading cause of tooth decay was a subject rubbing their tongue along…Read more...
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on (#5VPPP)
NEW YORK—In a finding that reverses decades of conventional scientific wisdom, a sociological study from Columbia University revealed Wednesday that only 97% of eye contact is sexual in nature. “Our research suggests that a stunning 3% of all cases of a coworker, friend, or complete stranger making momentary eye…Read more...
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on (#5VP12)
Pop star and fashion mogul Rihanna is expecting her first child with her boyfriend, rapper A$AP Rocky, debuting her bare baby bump while the couple was on a walk in NYC. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VNB1)
A New York City ethics panel has agreed that Mayor Eric Adams can hire his brother as a senior security adviser, but only at $1 per year and with no power over department personnel, not the $240,000 salary the position was supposedly set to pay. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VHPQ)
The four-ton upper stage of a SpaceX rocket that did not return to Earth after a completed mission is on course to crash into the Moon and explode seven years after it was launched, producing an impact capable of creating a 65-foot crater. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VHMJ)
As if he doesn’t have enough on his plate right now?Read more...
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on (#5VGDY)
Supreme Court justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement on Wednesday, leading to a flurry of speculation over who President Joe Biden will nominate to replace him. The Onion looks at the leading potential replacements for Justice Breyer.
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on (#5VG7C)
NEW YORK—In a “generous offer,” meant to bridge the gap between the two sides as contract bargaining negotiations stalled, Major League Baseball’s owners reportedly proposed Thursday that the agreement offer players college credit in lieu of salary. “While the owners strongly disagree with the MLBPA proposals on…Read more...
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on (#5VG7D)
WASHINGTON—In a closed-door meeting to discuss strategies to fill the recently vacated court seat, President Biden reportedly met with Senate Democrats Thursday to discuss breaking up his Supreme Court nominee and confirming her in parts. “Many moderate members of the caucus fear that we’re inviting backlash by trying…Read more...
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on (#5VFQ3)
SEATTLE—Digging deep in the back of her kitchen cabinet, local woman Brenna White reportedly uncovered Wednesday a dusty can of bamboo shoots, the last remaining trace of her withered cooking ambitions. “A relic of a lost period,” said the 32-year-old, carefully extricating the item from the far reaches of the pantry,…Read more...
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on (#5VF33)
Musician Neil Young wrote an open letter to his management and record label, demanding his classic song library be removed from Spotify if they continue to allow podcast hosts like Joe Rogan a platform to spread Covid-19 misinformation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VEWM)
SPOKANE, WA—Saying it played a “dangerous role” in denying perennial all-stars the rings they clearly deserved, Hall of Fame NBA guard John Stockton claimed Wednesday that the Covid-19 vaccine was the No. 1 reason athletes failed to win a single championship. “We have no idea what is in this thing, but it’s obviously…Read more...
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on (#5VEWK)
WASHINGTON—In a controversial political maneuver that sparked outrage from Democrats and their allies, sources confirmed Wednesday that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had blocked Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer from retiring. “It is the Senate’s constitutional right to act as a check on Stephen Breyer,”…Read more...
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on (#5VEKP)
HOUSTON, TX—Pleased by the unexpected boon to their department, local police officers reportedly flipped through a list of unsolved crimes Wednesday to see what else they could pin on Andy Poulton, the mentally disabled man currently in their custody. “Let’s see, we’ve got a whole bunch of open burglaries and assault…Read more...
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on (#5VEKN)
NATO is in the news as tensions rise between member states and Russia over a potential military conflict in Ukraine. The Onion answers the most common questions about the history and role of NATO.
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on (#5VDRD)
BROOKLYN—Glancing out of the corner of his eye as his hand froze in place, Lakers head coach Frank Vogel was waiting for LeBron James to nod during Tuesday’s game before he drew the next line on his whiteboard. “Now, Anthony will come out to set a pick here so, Trevor can, so um, he can,” mumbled Vogel, who paused the…Read more...
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on (#5VCVW)
Archeologists have unearthed a rare 4,000-year-old board game in a Bronze and Iron Age settlement site in Oman, the game having grid markings that make it look similar to backgammon. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5VC2W)
Over the past year, tech giants like Facebook, Microsoft, and Google have invested billions of dollars into virtual reality technology. The Onion asked some of the world’s most powerful business leaders about the future of the metaverse, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5VBVM)
NASHVILLE, TN—Troubled by the ethical implications of such an event, local woman Kennedy Feeney told reporters Monday that she was feeling doubly conflicted about attending a Harry Potter-themed plantation wedding. “She’s a close friend, but when I saw that the venue was a former slave plantation and that we were…Read more...
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on (#5VBP9)
IRVING, TX—Corroborating a suspicion long held by critics in the environmental movement, documents leaked Monday confirmed that ExxonMobil has known exactly which day the world would end since the 1970s. “These documents prove that for decades ExxonMobil executives deliberately obfuscated evidence that they knew the…Read more...
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on (#5VBKP)
CHICAGO—In an effort to ensure everything at home would be taken care of while she was on vacation, local woman Becca Hayworth, 29, reportedly asked Monday if a friend would mind coming by and assuming her identity for the next couple weeks. “If you could just stop by in the mornings, put on my clothes, and attend all…Read more...
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on (#5VBKN)
WASHINGTON—Condemning Putin’s actions across the region in the strongest possible terms, President Joe Biden vowed Monday that if Russia invaded Ukraine, the United States would invade one country of equivalent value. “Should Russia attempt any incursion on Ukraine, the U.S. will not stand down, and we will have no…Read more...
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on (#5VBKM)
LITTLE ROCK, AR—Noting that it was possible to accomplish so much more at the city and state level, pragmatic extremist Eddie Jonson stressed the importance Monday of working to assassinate local politicians. “It’s easy to feel despondent about the way things are going in D.C., and it can seem impossible to make a…Read more...
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on (#5V9E5)
Joe Biden has completed the first year of his presidency, a tenure that has seen its share of controversy and political gridlock. The Onion looks at the highlights of President Biden’s first year in office.
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on (#5V9CS)
LAS VEGAS—Waving away her manager and Colosseum bookers, renowned pop musician Adele announced the postponement of her Las Vegas residency Friday, reportedly to avoid giving up her seat at a hot slot machine. “I was so looking forward to performing, but goddamn, I’m on one hell of a hot streak,” the Grammy-winning…Read more...
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on (#5V90F)
CLEVELAND—With critics calling the instrument an essential part of Sumeria’s history of killer riffs and hot licks, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame came under pressure Friday to return to Iraq an ancient Mesopotamian Stratocaster that was plundered by British archaeologists during the colonial era. “Dating from 3300 BC,…Read more...
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on (#5V84Z)
Starbucks is no longer requiring its U.S. workers to be vaccinated against Covid-19 or to regularly test for the virus, in one of the most high-profile corporate reversals since the Supreme Court blocked the Biden administration’s workplace vaccine policy. What do you think?Read more...
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