The Onion

CLEVELAND—In the wake of news headlines detailing yet another scandal involving the NFL quarterback, Deshaun Watson admitted to reporters Wednesday that he was seriously rethinking his life choices after finding himself on the Cleveland Browns. “There’s no clearer sign that you’ve completely hit rock bottom than…Read more...

MILWAUKEE—Amid a continuing labor shortage impacting small towns and cities across the country, officials warned Wednesday that the inability to fill lifeguard positions could postpone thousands of sexual awakenings. “Without anyone jogging along the beach while their breasts move up and down in slow motion, we fear…Read more...

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Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis blocked state funding for a new Tampa Bay Rays training facility in part because the baseball team spoke out against gun violence in the wake of back-to-back gun-related massacres in Uvalde, TX and Buffalo, NY. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Delivering a stern warning to all 330 million Americans, the nation’s moms announced at a press conference Tuesday that there are some real nutty people out there. “You really have to be alert out there, because you never know who’s a bit off,” Martha Thorburn said on behalf of the country’s mothers, while…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of a deadly rampage that stretched from coast to coast, authorities reported Tuesday that more than 330 million Americans had been found dead following yet another mass shooting. “The perpetrator was a lone gunman who slayed victims in more than 30,000 cities, towns, and villages across the…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Instructing law enforcement on the proper procedures to follow after they carry out the extrajudicial killing of a suspect or civilian bystander, a new cultural sensitivity course reportedly seeks to teach police about the different end-of-life rituals observed by the many people they gun down. “Sure, a…Read more...

With gas prices averaging nearly $5 per gallon, many drivers are struggling to stay afloat. The Onion asked everyday Americans how gas prices have affected them, and this is what they said.Read more...

Archaeologists in Iraq discovered the ruins of a 3,400-year-old lost city, complete with a palace and a sprawling fort, after extreme drought severely depleted water levels in the country’s largest reservoir. What do you think?Read more...

SAN ANTONIO—Following her triumph last week in the Scripps National Spelling Bee, teen spelling champion Harini Logan has committed to spell next year for the University of California, Los Angeles, officials at the college announced Tuesday. “We’re thrilled that Harini has agreed to join us as a Bruin, and we can’t…Read more...

BOSTON—Describing the curriculum as a way to help children recognize the value of their own imaginations, teachers from Montessori Sunday School Guidepost Academy told reporters this week that they strongly encouraged students to invent their own gods. “While more traditionally minded Sunday schools might teach only…Read more...

FORT MEADE, MD—Praised as a leader in centering people from groups not traditionally represented onscreen, the National Security Agency was honored Monday for its diversity in surveillance footage. “In a time when people from marginalized communities long ignored in the media have to fight for space on the screen, the…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—In the days following a violent rampage in the South Street area of Philadelphia in which multiple gunmen killed at least three individuals and injured 11 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to…Read more...

CHATTANOOGA, TN—In the days following a violent rampage in which three were left dead and 14 injured after gunfire erupted outside a Tennessee nightclub, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre…Read more...

WASHINGTON—After carefully smoothing and folding the garment he’d worn for almost three decades, retiring Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer turned in his robes Monday, according to sources who saw him exiting his chambers completely nude. “The past 28 years have been an incredible journey, but it’s time to give…Read more...

Despite an alarming uptick in mass shootings in the United States, many Americans still support the right to own assault weapons. The Onion asked everyday citizens why they feel this way, and this is what they said.Read more...

A study has found that trained dogs are better at detecting positive Covid cases than a rapid antigen test, with the dogs in the research study accurately identifying 97% of positive cases and taking an estimated 15 seconds to analyze each possible Covid sample. What do you think?Read more...

IRVING, TX—Calling the product a “game changer” for menstruators with active lifestyles, feminine hygiene brand Kotex announced Friday the release of Expedition, a new line of tampons that includes a very long string so wearers can easily trace their way back home. “Now you can have your period and have your outdoor…Read more...

CINCINNATI—Suddenly expressing a curiosity about the recreational stimulant he had enjoyed as a young adult, local man Terry Coburn, 58, reportedly asked his daughter this week if they still made cocaine. “Oh man, there used to be this stuff that was amazing, what was it called? Oh yeah, cocaine! Do they still make…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a nationwide study regarding Americans’ preferences of airborne spherical objects, the Pew Research Center found Monday that balloons still ranked first as the nation’s favorite floating orb. “We discovered that balloons far and away ranked as the No. 1 hovering globe across the country,” said study…Read more...

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French President Emmanuel Macron gave Queen Elizabeth a horse belonging to the French Republican Guard to mark her jubilee, describing the monarch as the “golden thread” that bound France and Britain during her 70-year reign. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—With eyes bloodshot and suit disheveled as he entered his 16th hour at the podium, President Joe Biden is now just delivering a continuous, up-to-the-minute speech mourning victims of mass shootings across the United States, sources reported Friday. “At this hour, we gather to mourn the carnage in—actually,…Read more...

COLLEGE STATION, TX—In a new discovery that could have stunning implications for the field of primatology, scientists from Texas A&M University published a study Friday identifying the common friend once shared by humans and chimps. “Approximately 8 million years ago, humans and chimpanzees shared a pal named Robby,…Read more...

LARGO, OH—In an effort to keep students and faculty ready should the situation ever arise, a local middle school was reportedly practicing the drill Thursday for what to do when there’s not an active shooter. “Attention teachers and students: For the next 10 minutes, we will proceed as if there is not a school…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to address rising gun violence in the state, Texas legislators passed a new law Friday mandating that police wait 24 hours before engaging with active shooters. “Deciding whether or not to respond to an active shooting is an extremely serious decision for any police officer to make, and we want…Read more...

LONDON—Locusts swarming behind Buckingham Palace to blot out the sun as an infernal fanfare heralded her appearance, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly celebrated her Brimstone Jubilee this week with an announcement that one thousand years of chaos would reign upon the blighted earth. “Pestilence shall prevail upon these…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Addressing the defendant in a searing indictment of his attachment to the material world, enlightened Judge Harry Nagel reportedly sentenced murderer Bill Kalinowski to ego death Friday by means of ayahuasca ceremony. “Due to his heinous crimes, Mr. Kalinowski will be forced to undergo a state-mandated…Read more...

ZURICH—In an effort to add another global revenue stream, FIFA officials announced Friday that the association would begin requiring brand logo tattoos for all players. “Beginning with the 2022 World Cup qualifying matches, it will now be mandatory for all players to have at least one logo representing one of our…Read more...

SEATTLE—Saying he lacked any sense of personal fulfillment following the victory, local 35-year-old Jason Prasker reported Thursday that he was unsure why he felt so underwhelmed by his first-place win in a regional Magic: The Gathering tournament. “Yeah, it’s strange—I worked for this for years, and yet somehow,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an impassioned defense against a slew of criticism, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Deanne Criswell stated Thursday that spending life preparing for natural disasters was no way to live. “It’s a beautiful day—do you really expect us to spend it stockpiling water bottles and canned…Read more...

A man seemingly disguised as an old woman in a wheelchair threw a piece of cake at the glass protecting the Mona Lisa at the Louvre Museum in Paris, in an apparent climate-related protest. What do you think?Read more...

UVALDE, TX—Once again shifting the official timeline of how authorities reacted to a mass shooting at Robb Elementary School, Uvalde school police chief Pedro Arredondo released new details during a press conference Wednesday, stating that Uvalde, TX had never existed. “After several days of exhaustive investigations…Read more...

ALMEDA, PA—Taking a moment of silence to honor the teachers and students who will soon lose their lives, President Joe Biden reportedly visited the Almeda Middle School Wednesday ahead of its deadly mass shooting. “Two weeks from today is going to be a really difficult day,” said Biden, shaking hands with a…Read more...

With the recent push for unionization within both Amazon and Starbucks, more and more employees have become inspired to organize. The Onion asked several CEOs how they felt about that, and this is what they said.Read more...

SILVER SPRING, MD—In a press conference commending the bird’s tenacity in the face of serious obstacles, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration officials confirmed Wednesday that a determined seagull had finally made it into outer space. “Simply put, this bird flapped his little heart out, overcoming the…Read more...

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HUDSONVILLE, MI—Glaring at the family members who had dared disrespect her wishes, local mother Clarissa Sandona reportedly screamed “I said no gifts!” Wednesday as a cloud of birthday presents began to violently swirl around the room. “I told you I have everything I need,” said Sandona, her hair fluttering in the…Read more...

NEW YORK—Admitting that they had been working for several years without any discernible success, FBI agents confirmed Wednesday that a local left-wing political group was too disorganized to infiltrate. “We’ve had a few guys in there posing as members and trying to manipulate them into committing acts of violence we…Read more...

NEW YORK—During a press conference Monday in which it touted the success of its diversity initiative, Connex Marketing Solutions introduced the three Black women it had recently hired to stand next to the company’s CEO, Carter Foss. “We are proud to have these three women join our team, flanking our CEO anytime he’s…Read more...

EVANSTON, IL—Sliding the top bun over to examine what he just bit into, local diner Brad Steffers reportedly decided Monday he was not going to complain to his server in case he accidentally did order a sandwich with a Band-Aid in it. “I’m not a big fan of these, especially on sandwiches, but it’s very possible an…Read more...

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NEW YORK—In a press conference calling for an end to the persistent scourge on local residents, New York Mayor Eric Adams announced Tuesday a $4 billion budget increase to help the city’s police department fight ghosts. “For too long, these phantoms and wayward spirits have terrorized our citizens and afflicted this…Read more...

CHICAGO—Despite it being absolutely perfect sunny, 80-degree weather, sources confirmed Tuesday that local man Jared Thune wasted yet another gorgeous day being dead. “Come on, man, it feels amazing outside, don’t you think it’s stupid to spend all your time underground in that cramped, dark coffin?” said friend Roy…Read more...

HOUSTON—Touting the energy company’s reemergence as the right business decision at the right time, Enron announced Tuesday that it was reopening. “We’re excited to be back and we’re looking toward the future,” said Jeffrey Skilling, who will be reassuming his role as CEO to oversee a vast portfolio already spanning…Read more...

HARRISBURG, PA—Touting the pill as a “miracle drug” at rallies and in his campaign literature, U.S. Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz reportedly began selling garcinia cambogia pills Monday that he said were guaranteed to lower taxes. “Folks, dropping those unwanted, stubbornly high tax rates is easier than ever with a…Read more...

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After a leaked Supreme Court decision indicated Roe vs. Wade would be overturned, many were shocked and appalled. The Onion asked celebrities how they are supporting legal access to abortion, and this is what they said.Read more...

Scientists in China have discovered a well-preserved ancient forest at the bottom of a giant sinkhole 630 feet deep with trees more than 100 feet tall that they believe could be home to numerous undiscovered species. What do you think?Read more...

NORFOLK, VA—In a star-spangled ceremony honoring the many contributions of the bodies of water to the Allied cause, the U.S. Navy issued formal thanks Monday to the oceans for their decisive assistance in winning World War II. “Without the tide that carried us into battle or the ocean depths to hide our submarines…Read more...