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on (#65DQ1)
CHICAGO—Turning the hulking fortress of a sandwich slowly in his hands to capture a 360-degree view of his target, local man Branden Zielinski was reportedly conducting a thorough perimeter inspection Thursday to find the most vulnerable entry point to his hamburger. “Jesus Christ, this is a tough one—I’m an expert,…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-01-26 03:33 |
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on (#65DQ2)
PITTSFIELD, MA—In the effort to raise cash for the party’s candidates ahead of the midterms, a new Democratic Party fundraising email reportedly stated Thursday that James Carville is wearing a suicide vest on the recipient’s door step. “We need you to donate $25 in the next 25 seconds, otherwise the fate of James…Read more...
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on (#65D34)
Twitter CEO Elon Musk says he plans to charge Twitter users for using the blue verification checkmark, quickly lowering the amount to $8 per month after sparking criticism for suggesting a $19.99 monthly fee. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65CX2)
Age means many things in the American political arena. To some, it connotes wisdom, grace, and experience. To others, it suggests a fading gerontocracy that has grown increasingly out-of-touch with the average American. As the oldest commander-in-chief in the history of our republic, the current president’s age…Read more...
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on (#65CHE)
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to tamp down on the “outrageous” practice, Texas GOP officials reportedly shared a toll-free number Wednesday that Republican voters could call if they witnessed someone casting a legitimate vote. “If you see anyone who looks like they’re getting in line or speaking to poll workers, we urge you…Read more...
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on (#65CHG)
If you know someone struggling to pay their gas, grocery, or utility bills as inflation continues to soar, here are some things you should definitely say.Read more...
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on (#65CHJ)
WASHINGTON—Mouths watering just thinking about produce being reaped from the fields after a long and fruitful growing season, a hungry nation confirmed Wednesday that it could really go for a bountiful harvest right about now. “You know what would really hit the spot? Plentiful and abundant crops plucked straight from…Read more...
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on (#65CA5)
The CDC says the number of positive flu tests so far this season is the highest it’s been in 13 years, with already 880,000 recorded cases of influenza illness, the last comparable flu “burden” being 2009 during the swine flu pandemic. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65CA6)
A man allegedly attacked Paul Pelosi, the husband of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, at their California home early Friday morning, prompting renewed concerns over political violence. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the attack on Pelosi’s husband.
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on (#65C8P)
ORANGE, VA—Attempting to stay calm despite his malfunctioning parachute, local skydiver Kevin Paris reportedly did one last scan Wednesday for a trampoline. “Hmm, okay let me see here—maybe now that I’m closer to Earth I can spot it,” said Paris, plunging through the air at more than 600 feet per second and taking a…Read more...
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on (#65BN8)
Taylor Swift has become the first artist to claim every top 10 spot on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart, with all 10 songs coming from her newly released album, Midnights. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#65BGF)
WASHINGTON—As House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s husband continued his recovery Tuesday, top GOP leaders condemned the violent assault against 82-year-old Paul Pelosi, uniformly criticizing the attack as half-assed. “We all need to come together and call out this attack in the strongest possible terms for failing to live up…Read more...
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on (#65BGG)
YOUR LOCATION—Saying they would cut right to the chase, sources confirmed Tuesday that, long story short, your father had a stroke. “We’re not going to bore you with the details, but yeah, your dad suffered a stroke earlier today,” revealed the sources, stressing that they were giving you the CliffsNotes version to…Read more...
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on (#65BE2)
YOUNGSTOWN, OH—With sessions growing longer as more community members seek to voice their views in public, a local school board reminded meeting attendees on Tuesday to keep their comments to 60 slurs or less. “In order for everyone to have a chance to hate, we ask that you limit your disparaging remarks to a…Read more...
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on (#65B2Q)
Okay, don’t tell anyone I told you this, but I have this friend who works at the White House, and she said that Biden’s literally not nice in real life at all.Read more...
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on (#65B2N)
It is tempting, when faced with the question of whether Joe Biden should run in 2024 to consider this question in isolation. Should President Biden run again? But is this even the right question? Over the past several years, I’ve studied the American people in great detail by reading articles about them in this…Read more...
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on (#65B2M)
The Democratic Party is confronted with a dilemma: Fielding an incumbent president can present them with obvious advantages, yet persistent health rumors might drag down any Biden reelection campaign. Meanwhile, I am in a dank basement, I’m strapped to a cold metal chair, and I haven’t slept or eaten in days.
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on (#65B2K)
When I first heard the rumors that President Biden might be running for re-election in 2024, I was shocked. Let me get this straight: Biden wants to be president later. But he’s already president now? I’m sorry, but with all due respect, Mr. President, you can’t have it both ways.Read more...
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on (#65B2J)
As the discussion rages over whether or not Joe Biden—our oldest president to date at age 79—should run for a second term in 2024, there is one glaring and pernicious aspect of the debate I demand we put a stop to at once. That is the suggestion that a corpse is not capable of being a great leader.
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on (#656HD)
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito has claimed that the leak of the draft opinion to overturn Roe v. Wade earlier this year endangered the lives of justices by putting a target on their backs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#656ES)
HERZOGENAURACH, GERMANY—Scrambling to address past wrongs in the wake of Kanye West’s recent antisemitic remarks, sportswear manufacturer Adidas announced Thursday that they hoped to make amends with the Jewish community by signing renowned director Woody Allen. “Woody has always been at the forefront of…Read more...
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on (#6560T)
The current GOP Senate candidate and former TV doctor has a long history of endorsing medical procedures that many have called “questionable” or “pseudoscience.” Here are the most controversial medical claims made by Dr. Mehmet Oz.Read more...
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on (#655WP)
Following the Supreme Court’s overturning of the landmark Roe v. Wade decision in June, abortion is one of the major issues at stake in the midterms, with Americans divided on policy. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their preferred abortion policy preference.
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on (#655TX)
NAPERVILLE, IL—Declaring his undying fealty and gratitude to the United States of America, local patriot Tyler Wardley told reporters Thursday that he was honored to be lied to by his country. “The lengths that the ruling class of this country go to trick me and my fellow everyday Americans, the sheer amount of…Read more...
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on (#6555N)
Adidas ended its partnership with rapper Kanye West over his offensive and antisemitic remarks, the latest company to cut ties with Ye and a decision that the German sportwear company said would hit its bottom line. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#654TS)
SAN FRANCISCO—With a platform designed to achieve a high match rate among singles within its specific dating pool, a vague new dating site called “A Date” launched this week, catering to people who like to…you know, do that certain thing. “With ‘A Date,’ users can feel confident that when they sign up, they will only…Read more...
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on (#654TT)
WASHINGTON—Noting that the strange new deep-fried, cake-like pastry was all but dominating news feeds, sources confirmed Wednesday that something called a “guacamole donut” was burying coverage of dozens of school shootings.Read more...
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on (#6543N)
Former U.K. treasury chief Rishi Sunak has become Britain’s first prime minister of color after being chosen to lead a governing Conservative Party, the third person to take the job amid a politically and economically turbulent year for the country. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#653G7)
SALIDA, CO—Acknowledging that the unrealistic fantasy elements didn’t have to make sense to be enjoyed, local man Caleb Deakins told reporters Tuesday he was suspending disbelief to watch a film in which a regular person changed for the better. “This obviously would never happen in real life, so I’m just gonna switch…Read more...
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on (#653CZ)
Scientists have discovered the first known Neanderthal family, identifying the fossilized bone fragments of a father, teenage daughter, and possibly cousins in a Siberian cave that may have served as a seasonal home for their nomadic lifestyle 54,000 years ago. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#652QA)
Steve Bannon, a one-time adviser to former President Donald Trump, has been sentenced to four months in prison for refusing to cooperate with lawmakers investigating last year’s U.S. Capitol attack. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#652N4)
SAN BRUNO, CA—Lamenting the plight of his existence in an era when so many seek to promote equality for all, local man Keith Naslund told reporters Monday that times were pretty tough for someone who was actually superior to women. “I understand the importance of the feminist movement and making sure women aren’t…Read more...
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on (#64ZXD)
ARLINGTON, VA—Stating that America’s top rival on the global stage now had the ability to carry out such an attack, Pentagon officials warned this week that the entirety of China’s landmass could break off and zoom across the ocean to get us. “Advancements in Chinese military technology have reached a point where the…Read more...
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on (#64ZDN)
ANGOLA, LA—Noticing plenty of extra space in the 6-by-8-foot room, McKinsey consultant Derek Lowell from told Louisiana State Penitentiary officials Friday that the prison cells could fit another three guys, easy. “It’s such a waste to just have five inmates in that size of an area for most of the day,” said Lowell,…Read more...
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on (#64ZDP)
SEATTLE—Pleased to share the latest item in their abundant lineup of private label essentials, Amazon unveiled a new AmazonBasics human infant, sources confirmed Friday. “As our offering of AmazonBasics products continues to expand, we are proud to help meet the high demand for human babies,” said Amazon spokesperson…Read more...
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on (#64ZDQ)
While it’s bad enough that Airbnb hosts often observe guests with hidden cameras or view their online activity, The Onion’s investigative reporters discovered the creepiest and most disturbing ways that Airbnb owners are spying on you.Read more...
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on (#64ZD8)
RALEIGH, NC—Stressing that he did not want to cast his ballot in November without being fully informed, local man Mark Winters told reporters Friday that he would not be deciding which candidates he could vote for until he personally had done extensive research on which state he lived in. “I need to learn more about…Read more...
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on (#64YX4)
The House Select Committee investigating the Jan. 6 Capitol riot concluded its ninth and potentially final hearing last week with a subpoena of former President Donald Trump. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on what will be the most significant outcome of the Jan. 6 hearings.Read more...
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on (#64YV2)
The state of Texas is sending public school students home with DNA kits designed to help their parents identify their children “in case of an emergency,” which authorities would use to help find missing children or identify those killed in a school shooting. What do you think?Read more...
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