The Onion

APPLETON, WI—Stepping triumphantly forward to take in all things that are his on the glass shelves, local man Merle Shappowitz reportedly threw open the doors of his refrigerator Friday like a feudal lord standing on a balcony overlooking his realm. According to sources, the noble calmly gazed upon his mighty steak…Read more...

WHITEHALL, PA—Plagued by a small but persistent inkling that he had lost the thread somewhere along the way, local conservative Pat Wilson reportedly took a moment away from berating a Disney Store employee about the lack of Miss Piggy merchandise Friday to worry whether he still knew who he was fighting. “Shame on…Read more...

Big news for widowed gamers! 343 Industries, developers of this year’s Halo Infinite, just confirmed that players who are widows will be able to download a black shawl for Master Chief to wear in-game. If you’re a Halo fan who’s bereaved and dearly missing your husband, it sounds like the next installment in the…Read more...

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A 224,000-ton container ship a quarter of a mile long has become wedged sideways in Egypt’s Suez Canal, a key global trade route, and may take weeks to remove. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Acting swiftly to ensure that the necessary demand was fully met, the City of L.A. booked 5,000 hotel rooms Thursday for police officers to take naps in between displacing homeless Angelenos. “LAPD officials need a place to rest and recuperate after long hours of putting up fences, throwing away personal…Read more...

I, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, have faced countless challenges throughout my decades-long career. As a member of the British Royal Family and a representative of The Crown, I have survived two World Wars, the formation of the European Union, and now, the novel coronavirus. But today, I face my greatest…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Asking members of the House Energy and Commerce Committee if it was ever possible to trust what one sees, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey shapeshifted into a cat Thursday during testimony on his company’s role in spreading misinformation about Covid-19 and the 2020 presidential election. “Esteemed representatives,…Read more...

While every naturalized American citizen must take the U.S. citizenship exam, only one third of American-born citizens could actually pass it. How many answers to these basic U.S. civics questions can you answer correctly?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders, 28-year-old Madeline Springs told reporters Thursday she was relieved that she would no longer have to support a now-closed local bookstore. “Thank God I won’t have to be guilt-tripped by those chalkboard signs anymore,” said Springs, who recalled…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Claiming it has pushed the boundaries of what is capable in filmmaking, Industrial Light & Magic unveiled Thursday a new special effects technology able to age a young actress into an elderly 30-year-old. “With this groundbreaking aging process, we can take a young ingenue and realistically transform her…Read more...

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Krispy Kreme has announced that for the rest of 2021, it will be giving out a free glazed doughnut to anyone showing proof of receiving the Covid-19 vaccine as a promotion the company hopes motivates Americans to get vaccinated. What do you think?Read more...

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Gamers, there are times when lending a hand is the right thing to do, and times when it’s better to stand back give someone the space they need to figure things out on their own. When you see someone you care about struggling, you want to do everything you can, but sometimes it’s best to do nothing at all. Well, Wario…Read more...

After a weekend where massive crowds descended on the city to party, Miami Beach officials instituted a curfew, but expressed worries that they may need to take further measures to keep spring breakers from spreading Covid-19. The Onion offers some potential solutions for preventing a wild pandemic spring break.

BIDDEFORD, ME—Beginning to question his decision to stock the handmade novelty water pipe, local head shop owner Peter Minotis told reporters Wednesday he was starting to think no one would ever buy a $6,000 glass bong shaped like Genie from the 1992 Disney film Aladdin. “Man, I figured this thing would get snapped up…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Reminding the public that they weren’t there so there’s no way for them to tell what happened, the LA County Sheriff’s Department announced Wednesday that a recent officer-involved shooting had occurred after a homeless individual had threatened them with a weapon, as far as you know. “After responding to…Read more...

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ATLANTA—In an effort to better enforce Covid-19 guidelines, officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention were reportedly placing star stickers on a bulletin board Wednesday next to the names of Americans who had followed the rules through the whole pandemic thus far. “We wanted to recognize all the good…Read more...

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A woman who received one dose of the coronavirus vaccine late in her pregnancy recently gave birth to the first known baby in the U.S. born with Covid-19 antibodies, which doctors claim could resist the novel coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Finally stopping to consider the weight of the allegations after another massage therapist came forward, the 14th sexual assault lawsuit filed against Deshaun Watson Tuesday forced Texans fan Blaine Rockwell to reckon with a potential full-blown conspiracy against the quarterback. “I tried to avert…Read more...

The White House has confirmed that several staffers were suspended, told to resign, or work remotely because of past marijuana use, despite the administration in February relaxing its policies regarding employees and their history using the drug. What do you think?Read more...

MIAMI—Dismissing efforts to curb the coronavirus pandemic, spring breaker Jaden Renfrow told reporters Tuesday that he wouldn’t let the city’s curfew policy stop him from doing whatever he does while blackout drunk. “You’re stupid if you think some government regulation is keeping me from getting so hammered that I’m…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Vowing to get the single-paged thank-you note to its intended recipient within the next decade, U.S. Postmaster Louis DeJoy unveiled a 10-year plan Tuesday to deliver a letter. “After months of careful planning and budgeting, we have determined a system in which the U.S. Postal Service will be able to…Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—Drawing criticism for repeatedly distracting from the iconic game show’s proceedings, Jeopardy! guest host Dr. Mehmet Oz reportedly came under fire Tuesday for claims he could have cured Alex Trebek’s pancreatic cancer with these three simple tips. “Look, he wasn’t terrible, but I just wish Dr. Oz…Read more...

DAYTON, OH—Unable to determine the root cause of the child’s complete emotional ineptitude, local parents Josh and Lindsey Stecher told reporters Tuesday it was unclear if their toddler Aiden’s social skills had been damaged by his isolation during the pandemic or if he was simply taking after Dad. “Sure, the reason…Read more...

SHAANXI PROVINCE, CHINA—Beating out fan favorites Shunan and Wanglang as the top destination, Foping Bamboo Forest was named best outdoor dining spot Tuesday by Panda Quarterly. “A classic dining experience that has been leaving patrons satisfied for hundreds of years, if you’re ever in the area, you need to have a…Read more...

NEW YORK—Sending a clear message that taking advantage of company time would not be tolerated, human resources officer Abigail Styner warned employees Tuesday against taking unsanctioned 8-hour naps every night while working from home. “We try to give our employees a lot of leeway in terms of how they structure their…Read more...

Miami Beach officials extended the state of emergency and 8 p.m. curfew after struggling to control large and unruly crowds in town for spring break. What do you think?Read more...

ARLINGTON, VA—Shedding light on the impact of the country’s poorly maintained infrastructure, a report published Monday by the American Transportation Research Institute found that the nation’s collapsed bridges saved hundreds of people from jumping off them annually. “Each year, the widespread degradation of bridges…Read more...

PITTSBURGH—Revealing how the big cats came to be such solitary creatures, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University published a study Monday that concluded snow leopards avoid engaging in social behaviors because they’re arrogant bastards who think they’re better than everybody else. “According to our findings, snow…Read more...

Muhammad Abdullah Khalil Hussain Ar-Rahayyal: Following his hijacking of Pan Am Flight 73 in 1986 that resulted in the death of 20 passengers, Ar-Rahayyal settled down to a quiet life in Montgomery, where he opened a profitable ice cream shop that has since grown into an international multi-billion dollar franchise.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Noting the state’s redundancy within the union, Gallup released a new poll Monday showing national support coalescing behind giving North Dakota’s statehood to Washington, D.C. “We have a use-it-or-lose-it policy and North Dakota hasn’t shown us enough,” said poll participant Andy Larkin, echoing the…Read more...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Hopping online to quickly do, well we don’t quite remember, before ending up here, a new report from Stanford University showed Monday that you were supposed to be looking something up right now. The minutes-long study released today claims that there is definitely a reason you are online right now, but…Read more...

BOSTON—Commenting upon the growing number of digitally altered images that show him in bed with strange women, Boston University artificial intelligence researcher Lawrence Hynek warned Monday that deepfake videos of him cheating on his wife would only become more common. “Deepfakes that portray me in compromising…Read more...

NEW YORK—Frustrated that their eventual coupling was taken as a given, local woman Ashley Williams was reportedly feeling pressure Monday to settle down with city planner Ted Bishop just because he’s the protagonist in a romantic comedy. “To be honest, I’ve only spoken to Ted once for less than a minute at that art…Read more...

A 69-year-old “serial stowaway” claiming to have successfully slipped onto dozens of flights across the country was arrested for the 22nd time after her ankle monitoring device alerted authorities to her whereabouts at O’Hare International Airport in Chicago. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Opening up to his team before their first round match up against Colorado, Georgetown head coach Patrick Ewing reportedly told his players Saturday, “I would trade all of this for an NBA title in a heartbeat.” “Whether this is your first March Madness tournament or your last, just know that it ultimately…Read more...

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An Australian police official’s suggestion of a phone app that records proof of sexual consent to address the country’s rise in sexual assault has been slammed by women’s rights advocates as naïve, problematic, and inadequate. What do you think?Read more...

SPARTA, OH—Dismayed that such a beloved figure would risk tarnishing her image for a few bucks, local viewer Rodney O’Toole expressed confusion Friday about why a big celebrity like the Green M&M would stoop to doing a commercial. “It just rubs me the wrong way to see a star like her selling out to a major brand,”…Read more...

CLAYTON, NC—Deciding it was better to be safe than sorry, local 25-year-old Michael Locke reportedly uploaded a picture of his rash to a different subreddit Friday in order to get a second opinion on a series of bumps that erupted on his arm overnight. “While I’m inclined to agree with the users of r/AskMedical that…Read more...

RALEIGH, NC—Calling the circumstances “a real shame,” sources confirmed Friday that local marathon runner Mark Weber collapsed a little too early to be compassionately helped across the finish line. “I’d be happy to help if, say, he’d collapsed 200 yards from the finish line, but come on, three miles in?” said fellow…Read more...

A mass shooting on Tuesday that left eight people dead at businesses in the Atlanta area has prompted discussion about the shooter’s motivations and the rise of anti-Asian sentiment in the U.S. The Onion looks at what you need to know about the Atlanta spa killings.

WASHINGTON—Indicating an unprecedented lack of public confidence when it comes to wacky, laugh-out-loud moments inadvertently captured on live television, a new study released Friday by the Pew Research Center found that fewer Americans than ever trust news bloopers. “Our findings indicate less than 30% of U.S.…Read more...

ATLANTA—Emphasizing that the shooting rampage that left eight dead around Northern Atlanta may not be an isolated incident, police warned Asian Americans Thursday to be on guard for more random, motiveless attacks. “Given the violent nature of Tuesday’s incident, we urge Asian Americans to be on high alert for…Read more...