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on (#5V80M)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to revive her lagging capital gains, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi introduced a landmark piece of legislation Thursday that would appropriate federal funds to provide aid for her struggling personal stock portfolio. “This monumental bill will inject a much-needed and long-overdue stimulus,…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-04 23:30 |
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on (#5V7YA)
With so much at stake in upcoming elections, it’s more important than ever for Americans to stand up and make their voices heard. Here’s what to say to someone who refuses to vote.Read more...
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on (#5V7BY)
DANVERS, MA—Confirming his disapproval of the shopping plaza’s trajectory, local dad Mark Sipes reportedly expressed concerns Thursday about the direction the Liberty Tree Mall was headed in. “Five, 10 years ago, it was one of the better shopping centers in the area, but these days, it’s all just dollar stores and…Read more...
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on (#5V7BX)
COLUMBUS, OH—Grumbling under her breath about the lack of consideration for others, Riverside Methodist Hospital worker Deborah LaBrunda expressed frustration Thursday while rounding up gurneys that patients had left scattered across the parking lot after failing to put them in the corrals where they belonged. “How…Read more...
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on (#5V7BW)
The remains of a 33-foot-long ichthyosaur, a marine reptile that lived 180 million years ago, has been unearthed on a nature preserve in England, making it the largest and most complete fossil of its kind ever to be found in the U.K. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5V6NT)
Wordle is the internet’s new sensation. But why are people so obsessed with it? The Onion answers your burning questions about Wordle.
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on (#5V6NV)
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of distributing personal protective equipment during the latest wave of Covid-19, the Biden administration announced Wednesday it had placed a sign reading “take one” on a bowl of N95 masks and set it out on the White House stoop. “Today, with Omicron raging and infection rates…Read more...
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on (#5V6JR)
A new study has revealed that women are 15% more likely to suffer a bad outcome and 32% more likely to die when operated on by a male surgeon than a female surgeon, with male surgeons’ “implicit sex biases” pointed out as one possible explanation. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5V6H7)
WASHINGTON—Following a sudden jolt and an ear-splitting boom, oxygen masks reportedly dropped from the nation’s ceilings Wednesday after the Earth hit a rough patch in orbit. “Good afternoon, folks, we are asking that all Americans affix the yellow oxygen masks that can be seen dangling before them as we experience…Read more...
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on (#5V3T0)
UNIVERSITY PARK, TX—In what was believed to be the first instance of an intelligent device exhibiting such advanced capabilities, a smart home security camera reportedly conspired with burglars Monday in exchange for half the loot. Sources confirmed that after the Neos SmartCam discovered suspicious men casing the…Read more...
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on (#5V3T1)
ASBURY PARK, NJ—In the latest indicator of the commander in chief’s waning popularity, a new Rasmussen poll released Monday showed that the average U.S. horse still overwhelmingly preferred a carrot to a photo of President Joe Biden. “A staggering 98 percent of American horses responded more enthusiastically to the…Read more...
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on (#5V3SA)
Your nurse is a trained professional who’s there to keep your diseased lungs working, not a waitress at Olive Garden.Read more...
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on (#5V3QN)
MISSOULA, MT—Recalling that as a young woman she had quite the reputation for guzzling huge loads, local grandmother Edith Mooney claimed Monday that she was quite the cum dumpster back in the day. “You know, I may not look it now, but back in my prime, I was an absolute gutter slut,” said Mooney, smiling fondly as…Read more...
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on (#5V19R)
Buckingham Palace announced that Prince Andrew has been stripped of his military titles and charities, a day after a judge ruled a sexual abuse civil lawsuit against the Queen’s son could proceed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5V17H)
HONOLULU—Wiping the sweat from his head as he studied a baffling putt angle on the eighth green, PGA golfer Grant Fahey told reporters Friday that he was hoping to hit the office later if his round finished early. “It’s been a long week out on the links, but it’s all worth it to know that I can take off this hat and…Read more...
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on (#5V178)
Web3 is being called the future of the internet. But what is Web3, exactly? The Onion explains.
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on (#5V128)
OLATHE, KS—Kicking herself for failing to read the product’s dimensions, local woman Annalisa Farrell told reporters Friday that she never would have bought her new Wayfair sofa had she known it was 300 feet tall. “Goddamnit, this is all my fault,” said Farrell, who threw up her arms in exasperation and groaned as she…Read more...
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on (#5V11R)
Unfortunately, men are pigs who will say just about anything to trick you into sleeping with them. Here are lies you should definitely watch out for before going home with some random guy at a bar.Read more...
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on (#5V0Z4)
DENVER—Calling the first 48 hours of a child’s life a critical period of parental development, the University of Colorado Hospital Birth Center announced the opening Thursday of its first delivery taprooms, in which parents can spend time bonding with newborns over a couple of beers. “Research shows that sitting down…Read more...
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on (#5V0T2)
Magawa, an African giant pouched rat in Cambodia who received a prestigious award for his life-saving duty finding dozens of landmines left over from a civil war 30 years ago, has died in retirement at 8 years old. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TZZR)
LOS ANGELES—Warning Angelenos to hit the deck, now, the Los Angeles Police Department asked residents Thursday to be on the lookout for dozens of bullets that its officers had sent ricocheting around the city. “Due to credible reports that numerous rounds of ammunition from our service weapons are now ping-ponging…Read more...
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on (#5TZET)
HYATTSVILLE, MD—In what has emerged as an increasingly popular parenting option, a new study released Wednesday by the National Center for Health Statistics has found that more parents are declining to have multiple children in favor of having just one big baby and stopping there. “Many of the parents surveyed…Read more...
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on (#5TZB1)
An appeals court has upheld the firing of two Los Angeles police officers who ignored a call requesting backup to the scene of a nearby robbery so that they could pursue a Pokémon GO virtual game character. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TYJX)
The U.S. Mint has begun shipping out the first quarters featuring prominent women in American history, beginning with poet, writer, and activist Maya Angelou, the first Black woman to appear on the coin. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TYAH)
In the era of the novel coronavirus, it can be difficult to know how to discuss infections with family, friends, and coworkers, and that’s become even more true with the recent rise of breakthrough cases. Here are some serious faux pas to avoid when talking to someone with a breakthrough case of Covid-19.Read more...
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on (#5TY7V)
The Guantánamo Bay detention camp in Cuba welcomed its first detainees 20 years ago, inaugurating one of the most controversial elements of the U.S. war on terror. The Onion celebrates the first 20 years of the Gitmo.
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on (#5TY6B)
BALTIMORE—Hailing the new treatment as a breakthrough in medical techniques, surgeons at the University of Baltimore announced Wednesday that they had successfully developed a new procedure to transplant a pig rib into a human mouth. “The way the procedure works is we remove the rib from a pig, brush it with a…Read more...
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on (#5TXZF)
BETHLEHEM, PA—Pausing between each labored word as his family gathered around him, local dying dad Phil Piermont was reportedly wondering Wednesday if you hit traffic on your way to the hospital. “Did you take 22? It’s a little congested by the exit, right?” said your father, taking a deep breath to push through…Read more...
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on (#5TXZE)
New research has found that female dolphins, who copulate throughout the year as a way to forge and maintain social bonds, have a fully functional clitoris with sensory nerves and erectile bodies that help them experience pleasure during sex, just as it does for humans. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TXFV)
Robert Durst, the New York millionaire convicted of murdering his best friend 20 years ago and who has been linked to his wife’s unsolved disappearance in 1982, has died three months after being sentenced to life in prison. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TXEP)
Christopher Key, the leader of the “Vaccine Police” organization that opposes Covid-19 vaccinations, recently shared that drinking urine could cure coronavirus. As the world’s leading nonpartisan news source, The Onion strives to give our readers the facts and let them decide what is true. Here’s a fact sheet…Read more...
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on (#5TW15)
PRINCETON, NJ—Upending the common perception that such workers are just going about a normal day on the job, a report published Monday by researchers at Princeton University found that the majority of men wearing a hard hat and coveralls are actually members of a heist team in disguise. “Nearly seven in 10…Read more...
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on (#5TVZ8)
Quebec officials have reported the number of first-dose appointments for Covid-19 vaccines have quadrupled after announcing that vaccination passports will be required to enter liquor and cannabis stores. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TVZ0)
Embarking on the road to weight loss can be a tough endeavor. With the number of diets increasing daily, it’s important to discover which is the right one for you before spending valuable time, energy, and money. Here are the most important questions to ask before starting a new fad diet.Read more...
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on (#5TVTP)
BOSTON—Describing how the phone game had succeeded where others had failed, local man Peter Bolton told reporters Friday that the app Chess Ace allowed him to waste time on his phone but in a smart way. “It’s great, because instead of opening up some dumb app like Clash Of Clans, I now have a higher-brow option when…Read more...
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on (#5TVS4)
BUFFALO, NY—Hoping to hold onto some semblance of purpose in an unfeeling void, local man Craig Ulrich reportedly tried to regain his sense of control in a chaotic universe Monday by learning to juggle. According to sources, in a desperate attempt to combat the inherent entropy and confusion that governs the cosmos,…Read more...
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on (#5TVS5)
GREEN BAY, WI—Noticing the unusually cheerful tone in the voice of the employee behind the pickup counter, customer Janelle Ramos told reporters Monday that a pharmacist at her local Walgreens appeared far too chipper not to be selling painkillers on the side. “He seems genuinely happy to be here, so you just have to…Read more...
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on (#5TSC1)
Scientists in London have honored Leonardo DiCaprio by naming an endangered tree after him, stating that the actor “was crucial in helping to stop the logging” of the Cameroon rainforest where it grows. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TRVT)
TRENTON, NJ—Saying it would be a nice way to unwind after a grueling eight hours at work, local man Patrick McCormick reportedly gave himself a little treat Wednesday for getting through the day. “Man, it’s really great to take the edge off with a nice little treat after a total slog like today,” said McCormick,…Read more...
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on (#5TQMA)
WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the early trials the famed explorers encountered on their sojourn across the American West, a lost journal entry acquired Thursday by the Smithsonian Institution reveals that Meriwether Lewis and William Clark nearly turned back after tripping over a tree root. “In our observations of the…Read more...
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