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on (#5TQMC)
WASHINGTON—In what both ordinary citizens and experts agreed was a threat to the nation’s political system, American democracy reportedly came under siege Thursday after a tech lobbyist invited some senators to dinner. “Rarely do we see such a brazen attack on our democratic values, and yet we could only watch in …Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-04 20:00 |
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on (#5TPVD)
A Seattle Kraken fan was thanked with a $10,000 medical school scholarship for saving the life of a Vancouver Canucks equipment manager after she pressed a note to the plexiglass warning that the mole on his neck looked cancerous. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TPV8)
DEL CITY, OK—Calling the incident a tragedy that could have easily been prevented, authorities announced Wednesday that a local 2-year-old had died in an accidental shooting after discovering his father’s gun hidden under a pile of guns. “Our hearts go out to the family of the child who lost his life in this horrible…Read more...
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on (#5TPRX)
JEFFERSON COUNTY, CO—Tapping the convicted pedophile and former Subway spokesperson to aid in their efforts, authorities reportedly recruited Jared Fogle from prison Wednesday in order to help bring down the horrifying new Subway Steak “Cali Fresh” sandwich. “We know you’ve done some bad, bad shit in the past, but we…Read more...
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on (#5TPRY)
A jury found Elizabeth Holmes, the 37-year-old founder of blood-testing startup Theranos, guilty of four out of 11 federal charges, including three counts of wire fraud and one count of conspiracy to commit wire fraud. What do you think?
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on (#5TP82)
NAPLES, FL—Delighting at the chance to interact up close with the wildlife, visitors to the Naples Zoo confirmed Wednesday they were impressed by the number of animals on the premises that were willing to eat loose change. “I was pleasantly surprised by how many of these guys will just munch on whatever I have in my…Read more...
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on (#5TND4)
For the first time, the Food and Drug Administration has approved a long-acting injectable medication that can be administered every two months as a pre-exposure prophylaxis (or PrEP) against HIV, providing an alternative to daily pills. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TNF1)
WASHINGTON—According to new data released Tuesday by the U.S. Department of Transportation, Trevor topped the list of 2021’s most popular bridge names. “For the first time in our nation’s history, Trevor became America’s leading bridge name, finally surpassing Jim, which had enjoyed a brief three-year reign,” said…Read more...
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on (#5TNAA)
The Republican Party is putting $1.6 million toward helping former President Trump pay for “certain legal expenses that relate to politically motivated legal proceedings waged against” him. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TKKF)
They haven’t, and they’re absolutely panicking inside about what the fuck to do with you.Read more...
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on (#5TKKB)
NEW YORK—Flipping over the cards you selected one by one, a breaking report issued Monday stated they showed the tower, the chariot reversed, and death, which sources confirmed would certainly lead to imminent, grave misfortune for you. “Beware, lost one, for the fortunes have turned against you,” said visibly rattled…Read more...
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on (#5TH4F)
LEBANON, NH—Saying he was stunned by the film’s macabre subject matter, area man Tyler Duchesne told reporters Friday that he had never realized The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is actually pretty creepy until he viewed it for the first time as an adult. “Back when I was a kid, it never occurred to me that the movie’s…Read more...
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on (#5TF1T)
Not everyone can drink rotten juice and look smart while doing it. Here are several signs you’ve become a total wine snob.Read more...
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on (#5TF1S)
According to a new poll, some 43% of adults with combined finances in a relationship said they’ve committed an act of financial deception, ranging from lying to their partner or spouse about money to hiding things such as cash, bills or a purchase. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5TF1P)
TEMPE, AZ—Fixating on his rotating series of girlfriends and tendency to drink too much wine during holidays, local family the Bellingers told reporters Wednesday that their deeply sad relative Andrew, who longs to find just one person who truly understands him, was “the crazy uncle.” “Uncle Andy starts drinking and…Read more...
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on (#5TF1N)
ORLANDO, FL—Eschewing its typical round of publicity, Disney World quietly opened a side exhibit within its Hall Of Presidents attraction Wednesday featuring the historic shadow leaders who have really run the country since its founding. “The show takes place in a narrow hallway, which is only accessible via an…Read more...
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on (#5TE4A)
A new study has found that albatross, known to be monogamous creatures, are separating from their life partners at a higher rate, with researchers saying that climate change is negatively impacting breeding conditions, leading the seabirds to find new partners. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5T8FB)
A 70-year-old man has been arrested for allegedly leaping from tall buildings with a parachute in Northern Virginia, making as many as six leaps, including a harrowing 32-story plunge from a building over evening traffic. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5T4AV)
SPARTANBURG, SC—Friends and relatives were reportedly making predictions about the new baby’s sporting prospects Thursday after a somewhat athletic couple gave birth to a potential Division III lacrosse player. “Man, knowing who his parents are, Callum could be in the 60th, 65th percentile in terms of raw speed, and I…Read more...
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on (#5T083)
SAN FRANCISCO—Climbing into bed in hopes of getting a solid night’s rest for once, a tired, bleary-eyed nation announced Sunday night that it would now attempt to fall asleep by doing a little impression of sleeping. “All snuggled up and ready to sleep—here I go!” said 26-year-old Bay Area resident Daphne Halloway,…Read more...
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on (#5T082)
BETHESDA, MD—Singling out the behavior as one of the leading risk factors for premature mortality, a report published Monday by the National Institute of Health confirmed that over 90,000 Americans die every year from living the way you do. “Our research shows that thousands in this country die needlessly from…Read more...
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on (#5T05E)
Sorry, but hating you is their only option.Read more...
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on (#5T05F)
WASHINGTON—Calling for the nation’s richest to pay their fair share, Democrats proposed a new wealth tax Monday that would target Americans with circular driveways. “Homeowners with circular driveways have gamed the system for far too long, leaving everyday hardworking Americans to park on straight driveways, and in…Read more...
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on (#5SZVV)
ATLANTA—Citing the film’s problematic portrayal of humanity as inherently good and capable of redemption, TV network Turner Classic Movies announced Monday that it would no longer be airing Miracle On 34th Street due to the 1947 Christmas film’s outdated depictions of hope and joy. “While this movie’s celebration of…Read more...
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on (#5SYDH)
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Throwing the flag during the annual Army-Navy game after the clearing smoke revealed an obvious illegal hit, Army’s football team received a 15-yard penalty Saturday for drone-striking the kicker. “I don’t know what Army was thinking there—you’re not allowed to drone-strike a defenseless player,”…Read more...
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on (#5SXJY)
A union has won the right to represent U.S. Starbucks workers, with employees at a Buffalo, NY location voting 19-8 in favor of a union, the first in the coffee retailer’s 50-year history. What do you think?
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on (#5SXFX)
SEATTLE—In an attempt to expand its customer base to those for whom home ownership remains out of reach, Zillow rolled out a new feature Friday that lets users track the happy lives of people who outbid them for their dream house. “All you have to do is enter your zip code, have an offer turned down on a home that was…Read more...
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on (#5SXCH)
WASHINGTON—Touting the item as an important piece of aerospace history, the Smithsonian announced Friday that it had acquired the coat hanger Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin used to get back inside the lunar module after locking themselves out. “We’re thrilled that visitors to the National Air And Space Museum will get…Read more...
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on (#5SXCG)
The year 2021 saw us consuming more content than ever as we soldiered through the second year of the coronavirus pandemic. The Onion brings you the best things we watched and read in 2021.
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on (#5SX1E)
ST. LOUIS, MO—Exhaling in relief after several minutes of listening intently to the company-wide meeting, employees at local marketing firm Trend Studios confirmed they immediately tuned out their CEO’s remotely delivered speech Friday as soon as he mentioned layoffs would not be necessary. “He just told us our Q3…Read more...
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on (#5SX1D)
Mortgage company Better.com CEO Vishal Garg drew criticism after informing about 900 employees over a Zoom call that they were all “terminated, effective immediately,” citing changes in the market for the mass layoffs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SW1P)
NEW YORK—Renewing their commitment to diverse representation, the producers of Sesame Street introduced the show’s first deeply enigmatic Muppet character Thursday, a fuzzy, frail, and vacant-eyed monster who has yet to reveal his true intentions. “Despite our progress over the years, we realized Sesame Street had not…Read more...
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on (#5STC7)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to dissuade the Russian leader from invading Ukraine, President Joe Biden reportedly told Vladimir Putin Wednesday, “You know, if I were you, I’d go after Finland.” “Ukraine’s cool and everything, but Finland has, like, an eighth of the people and twice the GDP—it’d be a breeze to annex,…Read more...
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on (#5STC6)
The original The Oregon Trail computer game debuted December 3, 1971, spawning a beloved series played by generations of children. The Onion looks back at key moments in the history of The Oregon Trail.
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on (#5STC8)
LONDON—Tearing up while describing the harrowing scene, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, revealed in an interview Tuesday that Ghislaine Maxwell had groomed him to have sex with dozens of teens. “When I got to Epstein’s island, she led me by the hand to a private room where she insisted I have intercourse with underage…Read more...
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on (#5SS34)
BOSTON—In a groundbreaking study of burglary-response tactics published Tuesday, researchers at Northeastern University’s School of Criminology and Criminal Justice found that 87% of home invasions were foiled when victims nervously muttered, “Who’s there?” upon hearing a strange noise. “Our extensive analysis of…Read more...
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on (#5SS10)
It’s not polite to brag, even around the penniless street urchins. Here are things you should never say to someone who makes less money than you.Read more...
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on (#5SQRV)
PHOENIX—Describing the 15-minute incident as “a nightmare come to life,” local office workers at Martin Realty were reportedly terrorized Friday by an unhinged ex-employee dropping in to say hi. “We always knew he was a bit off by the way he’d say ‘good morning’ and ask about how our weekend was, but we never thought…Read more...
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on (#5SMNA)
Twitter will now let private individuals request the removal of pictures or videos of them that were posted without their consent, except in cases of public interest or if the subject is a public figure, unless they’re being harassed. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SKPN)
NEW YORK—Declaring that the former player would continue to be punished for tarnishing the game of baseball by gambling, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred confirmed to reporters Thursday that Pete Rose remains ineligible for election to the DraftKings Official MLB Hall of Fame at Cooperstown. “Being part of the DraftKings…Read more...
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on (#5SKBK)
Scientists who created xenobots, the world’s first living robots assembled from heart and skin stem cells belonging to the African clawed frog, say the life forms are now “the first-ever, self-replicating living robots.” What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5SJAY)
PITTSBURGH—Unable to resist consideration of the rare opportunity that lay before them, 79% of Americans holding ladders while a loved one put up Christmas lights reportedly took a moment Wednesday to consider just how easy it would be. “All it would take is one small push, and boom, it’s over, just like that,”…Read more...
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on (#5SJAX)
NEW YORK—Saying the former governor would bring a wealth of political knowledge and experience to the position, CNN announced Wednesday that Andrew Cuomo will take over his brother’s hosting duties until a replacement is found. “We’ve always been huge fans of Andrew, and we’re sure he will bring his many years in…Read more...
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on (#5SHW8)
Barbados has removed Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II as its head of state, officially becoming a republic on the 55th anniversary of the Caribbean nation’s independence from the United Kingdom. What do you think?Read more...
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