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on (#5SH48)
Jack Dorsey has stepped down as Twitter CEO, 15 years after launching the microblogging social media platform that’s now often central to debates around responsibility to curb hate speech, violent rhetoric, and misinformation. What do you think?Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-04 20:00 |
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on (#5SGZR)
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Slamming the rookie’s success as a fluke of organizational competence, critics claimed Tuesday that Patriots quarterback Mac Jones was just the product of being a talented player in a system with elite defense and coaching. “People are acting like Mac [Jones] is the next great franchise QB, but he’s…Read more...
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on (#5SGZS)
WASHINGTON—Confirming that it had been a disappointing quarter, the nation’s embattled CEOs announced Tuesday that we just gotta do better, simple as that. “It’s not an easy conversation to have, folks, but we’re gonna have to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask ourselves if we’re really giving it our all,”…Read more...
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on (#5SGXR)
MILWAUKEE—Confirming that he had long been intrigued by alternative currencies, local man Graham McCormick told reporters Tuesday that he was only three more failed goals away from becoming a crypto guy. “Really, I just need another business venture going under and maybe a few more job rejections and then buying some…Read more...
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on (#5S9Q5)
WALDORF, MD—Vowing not to repeat the same mistakes of years past, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Stanchfield family was saving time this Thanksgiving by making their oak dining table the day before. “Grandma insists it’s better fresh, but making everything ahead this year is going to save a whole lot of stress,”…Read more...
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on (#5S9Q1)
While the coronavirus pandemic rages on, big-budget sequels and Oscar hopefuls are among the films hitting American movie screens through the rest of the year. The Onion highlights the most anticipated films of winter 2021.
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on (#5S8VR)
Spotify has removed a play button that automatically shuffled songs regardless of an album’s track list after singer-songwriter Adele requested the change ahead of the release of her fourth studio album. What do you think?
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on (#5S2XS)
A Singapore-based cryptocurrency platform called Crypto.com has bought the naming rights to the home arena of the Los Angeles Lakers in a $700 million deal, with the change taking effect on Christmas Day this year. What do you think?
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on (#5S2VX)
Nothing makes your vote more useless than allowing some uniformed dimwit who sheepishly does whatever he is told to vote for the opposite party from you.Read more...
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on (#5S2VM)
WASHINGTON—Stripping the Republican representative from one of the most powerful and influential committees in Congress, the U.S. House of Representatives voted this week to remove Paul Gosar from his assignment on the Anime and Manga Committee. “While there’s nothing cooler than an epic sword fight, calls for…Read more...
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on (#5S2RZ)
AUSTIN, TX—Calling the move “an important step in protecting the unborn,” Texas lawmakers passed legislation Thursday banning residents’ access to tall staircases in an effort to prevent women with unwanted pregnancies from getting any ideas. “We are proud to affirm the sanctity of life with this bill prohibiting…Read more...
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on (#5S2S0)
Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off of these…Read more...
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on (#5S2N9)
WASHINGTON—Calling it a no-risk investment guaranteed to appreciate in value over time, Fannie Mae officials announced Thursday that the lender had issued billions of Mortgage-backed NFTs. “This is as stable as they come, over the entire history of NFTs, they have only appreciated in value,” said CEO Hugh Frater, who…Read more...
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on (#5S29Q)
CALABASAS HILLS, CA—Rushing into action immediately upon seeing the first signs of hesitation, The Cheesecake Factory CEO David Overton angrily demanded a test kitchen chef dunk a whole fried chicken into a nearby bowl of chocolate pudding, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I said put that Alfredo-drizzled fried chicken…Read more...
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on (#5S19F)
BURBANK, CA—In a landmark deal that had reportedly been in the works for months, The Walt Disney Company acquired all of America’s children Wednesday for $52 billion. “We’ve been fans of America’s youth for a long time now, and we’re excited to finally have them join our robust portfolio of properties,” said Disney…Read more...
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on (#5S135)
ROLLINGWOOD, TX—Lauding the app for its incredible power, authorities credited TikTok Wednesday for helping a kidnapper find local teenager Hailey Lamb. “People think of TikTok as just some frivolous app for kids, but this just goes to show it can have life-changing applications,” said police lieutenant John Martinez,…Read more...
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on (#5S136)
LOS ANGELES—Attacking the Chicago Bulls legend for his “massively overrated” line reads, Scottie Pippen boasted Wednesday that he would have given a much better performance than Michael Jordan in Space Jam. “Look, he gets all this praise for a box office smash, but it was really the system around Jordan that elevated…Read more...
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on (#5S0WC)
Tired of overcooked turkey, canned gravy, and grandma’s tasteless green bean casserole? Then it’s time to call in the pros. We asked celebrity chefs to share their favorite Thanksgiving cooking hacks, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#5S0W9)
Recent reporting by The Onion and several lesser media outlets finds growing tensions between President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris, continuing a historical trend of the nation’s leader often being at odds with their second-in-command. The Onion looks at the most contentious relationships between a…Read more...
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on (#5RYMB)
Oh, please, you know exactly why your neighborhood is suddenly a “hot” place to live. Here are several signs you are gentrifying your neighborhood.Read more...
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on (#5RYHX)
WASHINGTON—Stressing that he already had his turn in the seat of power, Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) announced Monday that he would not be seeking re-election in order to make room for the next generation of 70-year-olds entering politics. “It’s time we let some fresh, septuagenarian blood into this place,” said Leahy…Read more...
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on (#5RY1G)
A new report has revealed that the Thames river, which was previously declared “biologically dead,” has recovered enough to host over 115 species of fish, including venomous sharks called Spurdogs. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RXBG)
INDIANAPOLIS—Cursing as yet another call interrupted a fade route to T.Y. Hilton, Colts quarterback Carson Wentz confirmed Sunday that his helmet radio won’t stop ringing despite answering just a single call from a telemarketer last week. “Jesus Christ, I answer one unknown number that I thought might be our offensive…Read more...
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on (#5RVG2)
SAN DIEGO—In an effort to reduce fears and concerns about the loose jungle cat, the San Diego Zoo assured the public Friday that an escaped leopard would kill them quickly. “Rest assured that if you cross paths with this escaped leopard, you will be dead before you even think about being scared,” said zookeeper Lloyd…Read more...
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on (#5RVDK)
If your romantic partner isn’t constantly full of self-loathing to the point that they can barely function, it’s a sign you may be dealing with a seriously deranged individual.Read more...
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on (#5RTZC)
A brothel in Vienna is providing Covid-19 vaccinations and giving those who take up the offer a 30-minute session with a “lady of their choice” if they get the vaccine at the on-site clinic. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RT2B)
KENOSHA, WI—Arguing that the prosecution had demonstrated flagrant bias throughout the proceedings, critics questioned Thursday why Kenosha County Assistant District Attorney Thomas Binger had repeatedly singled out Kyle Rittenhouse over the course of the Kyle Rittenhouse trial. “Not a day has gone by during this…Read more...
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on (#5RSZM)
Supply chain disruptions across the globe have led to record shortages of many consumer products and industrial commodities, with many experts warning the problems are likely to get worse. The Onion looks at the major causes of the current global supply chain issues.
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on (#5RSZN)
FORT MYERS, FL—His bedroom walls quivering and cracking the moment he opened the secret tome, local teen Charlie Donnell reportedly found his eyes beginning to glow red Thursday as he recited forbidden knowledge from a book containing critical race theory. “The fact of slavery refuses to fade, along with the deeply…Read more...
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on (#5RSX4)
WASHINGTON—In a display of its ongoing commitment to the pursuit of scientific knowledge, Congress passed a measure Thursday approving the acquisition of an empty paper towel roll for NASA to use as a telescope. “Thanks to this generous act, our scientists will soon be able to cover up one eye, squint through a…Read more...
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on (#5RSX5)
Most women in the workplace repeat this single thought over and over in their heads until it’s time to clock out and become a woman in the elevator, a woman on the train, a woman in the home, and so on.Read more...
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on (#5RSSZ)
SEATTLE—Citing models that showed how rising temperatures and melting sea ice were contributing to the phenomenon, scientists affiliated with the Climate Impacts Group at the University of Washington warned Thursday that fish would be under even more water by the year 2065. “If we fail to combat the climate crisis,…Read more...
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on (#5RRAE)
On Nov. 8, 18 months after the coronavirus pandemic began, the U.S. lifted travel restrictions for vaccinated people from many countries. The Onion was on the ground bearing witness to scenes from the lifted travel restrictions.Read more...
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on (#5RR26)
The Biden administration has lifted the pandemic-related travel ban that lasted over 600 days for international visitors from 33 countries, with travelers now required to show proof of vaccination and a recent negative Covid-19 test. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RQBP)
Republican Sen. Ted Cruz accused Sesame Street of publishing “government propaganda” after the character Big Bird’s twitter account announced that the anthropomorphic bird had received his Covid-19 vaccination. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RQ5R)
Despite FDA approval and multiple studies proving it provides life-saving immunity, many people across the United States refuse to get the Covid-19 vaccine. Here are the most terrifying excuses anti-vaxxers use to avoid getting immunized.Read more...
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on (#5RQ5S)
“Sometimes your voice cracks when you’re about to yell hike and the defense laughs at you, lowering your self-esteem.”Read more...
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on (#5RQ2Z)
BRATTLEBORO, VT—Rubbing his hands together in what appeared to be more anticipation than he could contain, local man Dennis Kaili stated Tuesday that the dollar bill currently dangling from a fishing line right there along the path he was walking sure did look enticing. “By gosh, that’s one good-lookin’ buckaroo,…Read more...
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on (#5RQ30)
GREEN BAY, WI—Lashing out at those who had criticized his decision to refuse the Covid-19 shot, a defiant Aaron Rodgers told reporters Tuesday that he can’t get vaccinated because he’s only 4 years old. “I’m not old enough to get the shot yet—maybe in kindergarten though,” said Rodgers, who attributed his unvaccinated…Read more...
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on (#5RPVA)
Microsoft’s latest console might be sold out at most major retailers, but there’s still one place where you can score one of these hot-ticket items before the holiday season. Here’s the scoop on how to score your free Xbox Series X by redeeming the promotional coupon at Church’s Chicken with a five-piece chicken…Read more...
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