The Onion

WASHINGTON—In their latest effort to bring the centrist lawmaker aboard for the party’s signature legislation, Democrats reportedly attempted to woo Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) Monday by taping a single Hershey’s Kiss to the reconciliation bill’s latest draft. “Although we understand Joe won’t budge on certain issues, we…Read more...

CHICAGO—Following an 80-74 win over the Phoenix Mercury, the Chicago Sky erupted in celebration this week after clinching the franchise’s first-ever mention in a newspaper’s sports section. “They said it would never happen in Chicago, but here we are, right at the bottom of the page in the corner,” said star center…Read more...

SILVER SPRING, MD—Acknowledging the need to issue federal guidelines before the season’s crisp, cooler weather spread across the country, a special advisory committee of the Food and Drug Administration reportedly met Monday to formulate recommendations for hearty autumn soup recipes. “While we have agreed that…Read more...

CINCINNATI—In a new corporate partnership with the NCAA, Procter & Gamble unveiled a football halftime contest this week that awarded full tuition to any student who could eat an entire line of the company’s products. “Contestants will start with paper products and work their way through hair care, skin care, feminine…Read more...

DALLAS—In a public statement Monday that declared it was absolutely gorgeous outside, Southwest Airlines, which canceled more than 2,000 flights over the holiday weekend, blamed the disruptions on the weather being too beautiful for anyone to spend their day cooped up on a plane. “There is absolutely no good reason…Read more...

The Onion: Let’s start off with an easy question. What do you think about rimming?Read more...

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—As the nation’s attitudes toward its own history continue to change, a new study published Friday revealed American support for Indigenous Peoples’ Day significantly increases when it is made clear that it would still be a three-day weekend. “As long as I can still stay up late on Sunday and grill on…Read more...

A Russian film crew and actor have become the first to shoot a feature film in space after boarding the International Space Station on Tuesday, beating Tom Cruise who has partnered with NASA and SpaceX to film in space later this year. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—Comforting the city after having their hopes dashed in the final week of the season, the Seattle Mariners promised their fans Wednesday that they would be working hard to finish next year’s playoff race in even more heartbreaking fashion. “We know this was tough, but this was just the beginning; you haven’t…Read more...

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—Rapidly turning his head between the spreading leak and the approaching flames, rescue worker Toby Marwell reportedly remarked “uh-oh” Wednesday while standing slack-jawed and watching the California wildfires and oil spill draw ever closer together. “Oh no, oh no, oh no,” said Marwell, grimacing…Read more...

SUDBURY, MA—Explaining that it was nice having a little something for older viewers, local parents Todd and Laila Fischer told reporters Wednesday that children’s movie Peter And The Enchanted Forest had a couple moments that condescend to adults, too. “Obviously, most of the insipid garbage in this movie is just…Read more...

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David Lee Roth, original and current lead singer of Van Halen after a rotation of several other frontmen, has announced his retirement, saying the band’s next slate of scheduled concerts will be his last. What do you think?Read more...

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Apologizing to Jaguars fans for his early failures in leading the team, Jacksonville coach Urban Meyer admitted to reporters Tuesday that he is still adjusting to the speed of NFL cover-ups. “At the college level, these scandals take a lot longer to develop, and I’ll admit I just haven’t done the work…Read more...

NASHVILLE, TN—Confirming fans’ long-held suspicions about the subtext of the film, Harry Styles revealed Tuesday that Dunkirk was about the female orgasm. “On the surface, it looks like a standard war film, but it’s actually something much sexier,” said Styles, who shared the secret meaning of the 2017 Christopher…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Following a systems issue that saw the company’s websites and apps go down worldwide for hours, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg vowed Tuesday that the employees responsible for the outage will be bullied to suicide. “We take these kinds of disruptions seriously, and rest assured we will do everything in…Read more...

Jesus, gamers. We were looking to play a few rounds of something fun and low stakes, so we decided to boot up Fortnite, and wow, let’s just say, we were not prepared for what we found. Since the last time we played, which was only two weeks ago, mind you, Epic has apparently added stretch limousines, panini presses,…Read more...

DALLAS—Alleging that the Dallas Cowboys quarterback deliberately flouted Texas abortion laws, state troopers arrested Dak Prescott on the field Sunday for terminating a conceived play call with an audible. “Mr. Prescott showed a flagrant disregard for a play conceived in God’s image,” said county sheriff Marian Brown,…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Calling it “a tough period to navigate,” sources confirmed Friday that popular teenage actress Makayla Caracci was going through that awkward stage between cute kid and hyper-sexualized young adult. “She just turned 14, so she’s at a difficult age when her audience has dwindled to a few of her fellow…Read more...

NEW YORK—In a string of overwhelming and unexpected successes, all of the world’s problems, from hunger to disease to war, were reportedly solved while you slept, with each lingering trace of human suffering having been eliminated by the time you awoke Friday. According to sources, as you lay quietly dreaming in bed,…Read more...

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has proposed moving 23 species from the Federal Lists of Endangered and Threatened Wildlife and Plants to a list of extinct species, including the ivory-billed woodpecker, while citing humans as the ultimate cause. What do you think?Read more...

Alabama, which has the highest death rate from Covid-19 in America, is planning to use $400 million from the American Rescue Plan, nearly 20% of the state’s pandemic relief money, to build three new prisons. What do you think?

QUEENSLAND, AUSTRALIA—In a groundbreaking discovery that sheds new light on the mobility, migratory habits, and fashion sensibilities of a species that lived 94 million years ago, researchers at the Brigham Young University announced Thursday they had unearthed the world’s largest dinosaur shoe print. “Thanks to its…Read more...

Research has found no stronger indicator of excess weed smoking than being Derek.Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing regret at the unfortunate error, remorseful internet poster Dan Hitchins, 33, reportedly deleted his comment Thursday upon realizing he accidentally told the wrong stranger to kill themselves. “Sorry about that, I never intended to say something so caustic and terrible to you, and I am deeply…Read more...

BOSTON—Explaining that she felt more firm standing by her principles given the healthy job market, unvaccinated United Airlines flight attendant Erin Collins told reporters Thursday that she was confident she could get work drifting between European ports aboard a medieval plague ship. “Yeah, I figure all I need…Read more...

LOUISVILLE, KY—Stating that he had been unable to find any in the restroom but thought they might have some on hand, local man Matt Weber reportedly asked Thursday if staff at the Louisville Medical Clinic could provide visual aids that would help him to produce a urine sample. “This is kind of embarrassing, but I was…Read more...

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Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has warned lawmakers that the federal government could run short of cash to pay its bills by October 18th, after Republicans blocked a measure to increase or suspend the debt ceiling. What do you think?Read more...

YONKERS, NY—Complaining that he would absolutely not shut up about the insects and their “incredible abilities,” sources told reporters Wednesday that local man Jeff Granger was going way overboard with his newfound appreciation of ants after watching a nature documentary. “Look, I get it, ants are cool, but if I hear…Read more...

A new study suggests today’s children will experience extreme climate events at a rate that is two to seven times higher than people born in 1960, forecasting that heatwaves will be the most prevalent, occurring 36 times more over the lifetime of a child born in 2014. What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—Having exhausted the possibilities of the chromosome pairs that came preloaded on the original human genome, researchers at Harvard Medical School’s Department of Genetics told reporters Wednesday they had unlocked 47 new editable genes following their purchase of a CRISPR expansion pack. “This add-on has a ton…Read more...

UTICA, NY—Blasting state officials for putting her into such an “impossible position,” local nurse Sophia Wood confirmed Wednesday that she was carefully weighing whether she was better off getting the vaccine or losing her job and dying. “On the plus side, if get vaccinated, I could get to continue to live my life…Read more...

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ORLANDO, FL—Praising the Lord for the divine guidance on his journey, former Gonzaga point guard Jalen Suggs, a man who was drafted by the Orlando Magic, told reporters Wednesday that God has a plan for him. “Everything that happened was meant to be, and I have faith that God in all his goodness is looking out for…Read more...

Facebook announced that it will pause the development of its “Instagram Kids” project and reassess it following criticism from lawmakers and parents groups. The Onion provides an in-depth look at Facebook’s proposed changes to improve “Instagram Kids.”Read more...

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Touted as an ideal spot to leaf through a book on a Sunday afternoon, a cozy reading nook in the home of area woman Emma Adamos is expected to generate $23,000 in chiropractor bills over the next five years, sources reported this week. “I swear, when I find a good mystery novel, I can just curl up…Read more...

PITTSBURGH, PA—Demonstrating a sweeping inventiveness that he could not match in any other activity, local man Isaiah Moore was reportedly at his most creative, original self Tuesday while at the make-your-own sundae station. “I was debating between caramel and melted marshmallow when I was struck with the…Read more...

NEW YORK—Following a lethargic editorial meeting in which it was decided there was absolutely nothing to eat, popular food magazine Bon Appétit published a completely blank issue Tuesday, with staff confirming they had considered many different recipes, but none of them sounded very good right now. “We just couldn’t…Read more...

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Let them know that they’re not alone in their paranoid ignorance.

West Virginia governor Jim Justice has withdrawn his name for consideration to coach a high school boys basketball team after school officials voiced concerns over his commitment to the governorship, noting that he already coaches the girls basketball team. What do you think?Read more...

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ARLINGTON, VA—Hopeful that the ruling would set a new precedent for such cases, advocates hailed John Hinckley’s unconditional release Monday for ending the stigma against trying to kill the president. “Presidential assassins and would-be assassins have been treated as second-class citizens in this country for…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Pinpointing the exact allocation of your contributions, the Internal Revenue Service released a report Monday revealing that your taxes specifically were spent to drone-strike kids. “Our balance sheets indicate that the 22% federal income tax you paid last year was used on UAV attacks that killed multiple…Read more...

MENLO PARK—Assuring parents that the crew were working around the clock to protect their most vulnerable underage users, Instagram announced Monday that they had hired dozens of pedophiles to find weak spots in their app. “When it comes to our children’s safety, there’s no one I trust more to test our interface than…Read more...

There are many truths hidden away from the non-gaming masses: Cheat codes, tricks, and even easter eggs. But one piece of knowledge looms larger than all else. Well, gather ’round, gamers, for now we will share the one secret that only those of our ilk know: This button? This one here? It’s the one that will make your…Read more...

KOHLER, WI—Upset that the child they raised couldn’t be bothered to weigh all his options, local parents Barbara and Aaron Higbee were disappointed Monday that their child, Aiden, has unquestioningly followed in their Packers’ fandom. “We always taught Aiden to think for himself, but I guess he just wants to follow…Read more...

TEHRAN—Giggling to themselves as they transported large quantities of the alkaline-earth metal to a highly secure containment facility, top Iranian officials reportedly began stockpiling strontium Friday just to stress out the U.S. intelligence community. “Oh man, they’re gonna lose their shit when we take all the…Read more...