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on (#5RPVB)
CINCINNATI—In a ground-breaking, hour-long video presentation, Bounty officials revealed Tuesday that they were rebranding their business as the metaverse of napkins. “Today we proudly unveil the napkinverse: an immersive consumer paper product like you’ve seen before,” said CEO Eric McGill, who shared an image of…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-04 20:00 |
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on (#5RPHP)
A new study suggests that female California condors can reproduce without a male after two chicks hatched from unfertilized eggs, a process called parthenogenesis, which is already known to be possible in bees and sharks. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RNPT)
ORLANDO—Attacking the “idleness,” that leads men to just hide up in an attic on the Provence map, Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley slammed video games Monday as a threat to masculinity after a “bullshit sniper,” ended his killstreak in Battlefield V. “It’s painful for American men to know that you can be right about to score…Read more...
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on (#5RNNC)
Ithaca, NY has voted to fully decarbonize all of its 6,000 buildings, which account for 40% of its greenhouse gas emissions, in the first phase of a novel 100% carbon-free city climate policy that is to be completed by 2030. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RNF8)
LOS ANGELES—Needlessly implementing strict confidentiality measures, Paramount Pictures was vastly overestimating how secretive they needed to be about the script for Transformers: Rise Of The Beasts, the upcoming seventh installment in the film series, sources confirmed Monday. In order to ensure the movie’s plot was…Read more...
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on (#5RJM2)
A juror in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial has been dismissed after telling a courtroom deputy a joke about Jacob Blake’s shooting, with the judge calling his removal necessary for maintaining public confidence in the trial. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5RJKS)
ABINGDON, VA—Saying their failure to head off the fundamentalist legal code had prepared them for the difficult fight ahead, Virginia parents told reporters Wednesday that after watching their schools be taken over by Sharia law they refused to make the same mistake with Critical Race Theory. “We already saw what…Read more...
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on (#5RH3T)
BENSENVILLE, IL—Looking upon the mighty cadre of third graders in awe and reverence, a group of 9-year-old boys gazed longingly at the elite few chosen to bowl in birthday boy Brian Caldwell’s lane, sources confirmed Thursday. “They booked three whole lanes, but Tyler and Eli and Sam get to bowl with Brian,” said…Read more...
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on (#5RGY9)
You could be insane, but more than likely, you’re just a normal person dealing with some insane people problems. Here are intrusive thoughts that are actually very common.Read more...
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on (#5RGXY)
NEW ORLEANS—Looking to the distant future for the hope he felt he could not find today, Saints quarterback Jameis Winston opted Thursday to cryogenically freeze his knee in the hopes future generations find a cure for a torn ACL. “I have no hope with today’s technology, but I’m hoping in 500 years we will have…Read more...
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on (#5RGTD)
CHICAGO—In a well-attended ceremony held to recognize their fellow officer’s long and distinguished career, Chicago police officials gathered Thursday to honor Richard Citterton, an 18-year veteran of the force who was lost Thursday in the line of due process. “Today we mourn the loss of a beloved police officer,…Read more...
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on (#5RFWC)
Heartwarming story alert, gamers! This WWF War Zone cartridge had a nest that a baby Xbox Series X clambered into when it had broken one of its controller ports. The N64 cartridge then took in the Xbox as its own and nursed it back to health. They’ve been inseparable ever since!
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on (#5RE82)
MILWAUKEE, WI—Displaying a woeful lack of understanding for how others perceived her, local ferret owner Ashleigh Bardell was reportedly under the impression that any of her other characteristics mattered, sources confirmed Tuesday. “As soon as she uttered the words ‘This is my pet black sable, Jellybean,’ I…Read more...
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on (#5RE83)
Even if you work hard and save all your life, nowadays, that still may not be enough to get you through the six months of freedom you’ll have until you die. Here are several signs you may never actually be able to retire.Read more...
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on (#5R8K6)
NEW YORK CITY—Calling the expense class warfare, local billionaire Kenneth Anderson was unfairly targeted Thursday with a 5% sales tax on a sandwich he was buying. “You’re singling me out with this indefensible charge because I’m wealthy, and I will not stand for it!” said Anderson, adding that being required to pay…Read more...
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on (#5R8K7)
Someone trying to drown themselves got hungry midway through.Read more...
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on (#5R874)
A hiker who was lost on Colorado’s Mount Elbert said he didn’t answer his phone when rescuers called multiple times because he didn’t recognize the number, with the man eventually finding his own way back after 24 hours. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5R7JB)
Internal Facebook documents have revealed that in 2017 the company changed its ranking algorithm to treat emoji reactions, including “angry,” as five times more valuable than “likes” to push more provocative content into news feeds and boost engagement. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5R7FT)
NEW YORK—Noting that time was running out, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell warned Deshaun Watson’s accusers Wednesday that they only have until the stroke of midnight before the magic of credible allegations disappear forever. “Take heart, my dears, for while you have the public’s ear now, be forewarned: When the clock…Read more...
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on (#5R7AD)
As a Bengal Dillon went to three Pro Bowls, which would translate as 8 Pro Bowls for the 49ers and 14 Pro Bowls for the Packers.Read more...
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on (#5R7FV)
FAIRFAX, VA—Condemning what it described as reckless safety practices in the film industry, the National Rifle Association issued a scathing statement Wednesday in which it accused the producers of Rust of endangering their crew by failing to provide every single person on set with a loaded gun. “If everyone working…Read more...
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on (#5R776)
SAN DIEGO, CA—Launching a thorough investigation shortly upon entering the event, guests at a housewarming party for local woman Adelaide Talbot reportedly conducted a full financial audit Wednesday after seeing that her apartment was fucking huge. “The probe was automatically triggered after we began the tour and…Read more...
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on (#5R74M)
It’s fine to have these thoughts as long as you never act on them.Read more...
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on (#5R74N)
This year marks the 50th anniversary since computer engineer Ray Tomlinson sent the first email on ARPANET, kicking off one of the integral parts of today’s information technology landscape. The Onion looks back at key moments in the 50-year history of email.
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on (#5R5SC)
CHICAGO—In the midst of longer delivery times and rising costs, supply chain backups were reportedly forcing many Americans to rethink shipping themselves home for the holidays. “Obviously, I want to see my family, but with all the delays it looks like I would have had to mail myself to my hometown a week and a half…Read more...
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on (#5R5PJ)
Remember, if your child dies on Halloween, they also die in real life. Here are some of the most terrifying trick-or-treating dangers every parent should watch out for.Read more...
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on (#5R5JH)
IRVING, TX—Following the release of a World Meteorological Organization report that found greenhouse gas concentrations reached a new high in 2020, sources confirmed the staff of ExxonMobil was rewarded Tuesday with a company-wide pizza party. “We just wanted to do something nice to show the team our appreciation for…Read more...
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on (#5R5A6)
BOSTON—Noting the major improvements in his mood, taste, and overall outlook, friends and family members of local man Joseph Bennington told reporters Tuesday that he was honestly much better off for having turned his life over to the internet’s algorithms. “He’s always in a great mood from looking at funny videos,…Read more...
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on (#5R4F3)
BALTIMORE, MD—Noting an unfortunate lack of will power and determination, sources confirmed Monday that local family the Johnsons were so lazy that they had kept their daughter’s room exactly the way it was before she died. “It’s easy to procrastinate, and you can always get distracted by stuff like the memorial…Read more...
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on (#5R4DG)
Senator Joe Manchin has said that he has previously offered to change his political party affiliation to Independent if he were an “embarrassment” to his Democratic colleagues, adding that no Democrats accepted the offer. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5R1E2)
The House of Representatives has voted to hold former Trump adviser Steve Bannon in congressional contempt for ignoring subpoenas related to the investigation into the January 6th insurrection, with the Justice Department now having to decide on the prosecution. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5R15A)
They’re always there, in every ripple of water and maze of branches, smiling and waiting, so you may as well know it.Read more...
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on (#5R12E)
The White House on Wednesday unveiled its plan to give 28 million U.S. children vaccinations against Covid-19. The Onion looks at the key details of Biden’s child vaccination plan.
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on (#5QZZV)
ORLANDO, FL—Hailing the product as a way users can get a piece of real-life action, retired NFL player Warren Sapp touted sports betting app DraftKings this week as the exact way he went bankrupt. “This is the closest you’ll ever get to being an NFL player who retires and loses all their earnings within five years,”…Read more...
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on (#5QZS7)
WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a historic agreement and a culmination of President Biden’s domestic agenda, congressional Democrats successfully reached a deal Thursday to introduce a landmark fundraising email. “We couldn’t be more thrilled to put forward this extensive, once-in-a-generation communique, which is the first…Read more...
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on (#5QZRN)
Unless you are a necrophiliac, it’s only natural to wonder what your partner is thinking during intercourse. Here are several common thoughts everyone has in the bedroom.Read more...
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on (#5QX64)
MIAMI—Promising to remain current on any recommendations that might gain traction on social media or receive a platform on right-wing news outlets, officials at Miami’s Centner Academy stated Tuesday that they always revised their Covid guidelines to reflect the latest misinformation. “Rest assured, before we decide…Read more...
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on (#5QX1Q)
Dozens of self-driving Waymo vehicles have been inexplicably driving into one San Francisco cul-de-sac, only to make multi-point turns and leave the way they came, with company representatives explaining they’re following road rules to limit traffic elsewhere. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5QX1R)
WAUKESHA, WI—Hailing the massive specimen as the greatest NFL discovery of the century, league scientists announced Tuesday that they have discovered a perfectly preserved fourth Watt brother frozen in a Wisconsin beer cooler. “This is a historic find for football that could finally be the crucial missing link between…Read more...
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on (#5QWVM)
WASHINGTON—Warning that anxieties were rising rapidly, authorities announced Tuesday that concern was mounting over nothing in particular. “We’re seeing a trend towards escalating anxiety which, if left unattended, could spill into full-blown panic,” said researcher Todd Mills, confirming that overwhelmingly negative…Read more...
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on (#5QVBR)
A Texas school administrator was recorded at a training session advising teachers that if they have a book about the Holocaust in their classroom, they should also offer students access to a book from an “opposing” perspective. What do you think?Read more...
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