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on (#61S12)
NEW YORK—In a journalistic dispatch posted on the news agency’s website, Associated Press reporter Will Jarvis wrote the words “Watermelon gazpacho is a great starter for summer parties” on Monday in an article that will not be winning a Pulitzer Prize this year. “For a refreshing start to a summer get-together…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-12-19 12:34 |
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on (#61Q1K)
WASHINGTON—As evidence continues to emerge regarding the actions of U.S. lawmakers during the 2021 attack on the Capitol, the House Jan. 6 committee unveiled Friday new findings that confirm more than 200 members of Congress hooked up during the riot because they believed they were about to die. “With rioters…Read more...
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on (#61PZX)
A bipartisan group of senators have reached a deal to shore up provisions in the Electoral Count Act, to make it harder to overturn a certified presidential election. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61PXH)
OKLAHOMA CITY—Suffering under more than a week’s worth of record-breaking temperatures, local homeless man Glen Lane was reportedly hallucinating Friday that he lived in a compassionate society. According to sources, the 44-year-old former sales manager, in the throes of heatstroke, mistook a gust of wind created by a…Read more...
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on (#61PBM)
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—A new study conducted by researchers at Rutgers University and published Friday found a link between leaning on a mop at center stage and delivering a monologue about things ’round here. “The data we’ve been studying have shown that perching one’s hands atop the handle of the mop before looking out…Read more...
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on (#61P9T)
CHICAGO—Expressing concern for the safety and well-being of the snacks, the exasperated staff of Shedd Aquarium demanded Friday that visitors stop tapping on and yelling at vending machines. “Sir, I know you’re excited, but I’m going to have to ask you to please stop screaming and banging on the vending machine…Read more...
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on (#61NRK)
BRECKSVILLE, OH—Eagerly learning what experts were saying about the player for the fourth straight day, area baseball fan Ryan Silva remained incredibly excited for a first-round draft pick he’ll never hear about again, sources confirmed Thursday. “I couldn’t be happier that we got Chase DeLauter—this guy is the real…Read more...
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on (#61NF6)
ATLANTA—Reminding the nation that many heat-related deaths and illnesses are preventable, the Centers for Disease Control issued a new guideline Thursday stating that it’s definitely too hot out right now to wear a condom. “With temperatures reaching triple digits from Las Vegas to New York, we are asking Americans to…Read more...
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on (#61NBY)
STANFORD, CA—In a groundbreaking study that has alarmed many as the nation rolls back reproductive rights, researchers at Stanford University published startling data Thursday that revealed only 20% of unwanted babies end up being adopted by wild animals. “Contrary to conventional wisdom, we found that only one in…Read more...
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on (#61N1R)
In an anecdote that delighted fans and illustrated the actor’s commitment to his character, Tom Holland revealed that before taking on the role in 2016, he traveled to rural Minnesota in order to spend a week getting to know the real-life Spider-Man and helping out around his bait shop.Read more...
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on (#61MZV)
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got married in Las Vegas last weekend, the latest development in one of Hollywood’s most dramatic romances in recent memory. The Onion sat down with the newlyweds for an exclusive interview on the timeline of their on-again, off-again relationship.
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on (#61MZW)
Britain shattered its record for highest temperature ever registered amid an intense heat wave that has scorched large swathes of Europe, with temperature readings in the country rivaling those of the Sahara desert. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61MY2)
DEARBORN, MI—Touting the new model’s power, toughness, and ability to ‘get the job done,’ the Ford Motor Co. began production Thursday on its 2023 F-450 pickup, which reportedly comes equipped with a shotgun as a standard feature in case the truck fails to kill a pedestrian on impact. “When you’re behind the wheel of…Read more...
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on (#61MDV)
The House overwhelmingly approved legislation to protect same-sex and interracial marriages amid concerns that the Supreme Court will revoke other rights in the wake of Roe v. Wade being overturned, though the bill is likely to stall in the Senate. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61M8Q)
HOLLYWOOD, CA—In order to compensate for a lack of preparation on the part of the film’s production team, sources reported that a Black actress had no choice Wednesday but to bring her own hair products, makeup, and lighting equipment to a movie set. “Yeah, I’m really sorry about this, but our stylists are saying they…Read more...
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on (#61M8S)
MONROEVILLE, AL—Opening a probe into the cause of death of the stranger who had appeared upon his news feed, local heroic investigator Matthew Mallery reportedly commented “What happened?” Wednesday on an in memoriam Facebook post. “While most Facebook friends toed the polite line of ‘So sorry for your loss’ or…Read more...
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on (#61M8V)
ST. LOUIS—Explaining that it was always a good idea to have an exit strategy, local woman Nicole Massey told reporters Wednesday she has a friend on standby to drive a car through the bar window in case the date goes badly. “Hopefully I won’t need her, but if by chance there’s no chemistry between me and this guy,…Read more...
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on (#61M8X)
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got married in a late-night Las Vegas drive-through chapel, culminating a relationship that spans over two decades and two separate romances. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61JAK)
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) filed a lawsuit against the Biden administration, arguing that a recent directive for medical providers to offer abortions in emergency situations was unlawful. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61JAM)
ST. PAUL, MN—Concerns about the advancements of artificial intelligence in the private sector surfaced again Tuesday after anonymous sources with knowledge of the matter told reporters Dairy Queen had fired an employee who discovered that a Blizzard machine had gained sentience. A source within the company, whose name…Read more...
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on (#61H95)
OCOEE, FL—Stressing that he should be entitled to a better offer to keep his mouth shut, local judge Robert Arnold expressed his disappointment to reporters Monday that a proposed bribe was just the duffel bag. “When the guy I’d never seen before dropped the duffel bag next to me in the gym and said, ‘For your…Read more...
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on (#61H99)
LOS ANGELES—In a study of more than 1,000 screen legends and superstars, a new report published Monday by researchers at the University of Southern California found that 70% of celebrities were totally unaware they owned half of a tequila brand. “From George Clooney to the Chainsmokers, we found that the vast majority…Read more...
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on (#61H2B)
A new study has found that men on dating apps prefer women with poor grammar and are less drawn to well-written profiles, while women were 300% times more likely to prefer profiles with no grammatical mistakes. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61F7V)
New York City’s Office of Emergency Management issued a public service announcement in case of a nuclear attack on the city, though the OEM stresses the chances of such an attack are low. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61F3W)
ST. LOUIS—Revealing that he lays awake every night contemplating what he could have done differently, regretful police officer Mike Peltz confirmed Friday that he believes more could have been done to kill an unarmed Black man. “To think, if my trigger finger was just a little quicker, that innocent Black man would be…Read more...
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on (#61F3G)
NORTH PACIFIC OCEAN—Telling the crew member to have a little more respect for his place of work, Captain Sig Gunderson scolded his deckhand Friday for throwing trash on the floor of the ship when the Great Pacific Garbage Patch was right there. “It takes all of us to keep a tidy vessel, so it would be appreciated if…Read more...
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on (#61F17)
BATON ROUGE—Coming under fire for the exclusion of critical, diverse narratives that shaped the U.S., Louisiana’s racially biased education system was criticized Friday for omitting any information about the historic moon colony created by African Americans. “It’s a testament to how much Black history is completely…Read more...
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on (#61EYF)
Monkeypox is on the rise, with nearly 1,000 cases of the infectious disease reported across the United States. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about monkeypox.
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on (#61EPX)
With real estate prices skyrocketing and remote work offering an opportunity for more flexibility, New York City has seen a recent uptick in wealthy residents leaving for greener pastures. The Onion spoke with several affluent former New Yorkers about why they left and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#61EK1)
BROKEN ARROW, OK—Clutching the arms of their chairs and forcing themselves not to look away, the entire fanbase of the Oklahoma City Thunder was reportedly reflexively holding their breath during a game Thursday night every time rookie center Chet Holmgren moved. “I can’t watch,” several Thunder fans gathered at a…Read more...
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on (#61DB6)
NEW YORK—Celebrating the life of a man who courageously stuffed his mouth, Bon Appétit honored journalist Mark Vorak who was killed in the field Thursday from eating too much and dying. “It was a testament to his bravery and fearless appetite that he so valiantly gorged himself to the point where his stomach exploded…Read more...
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on (#61DB7)
LOS ANGELES—Pledging to maintain the safety and security of the city’s most cherished destinations, an increasingly unhinged Eric Garcetti reportedly covered his own body with metal spikes Thursday to prevent homeless people from sleeping on him. “These small iron spikes will help ensure that my body is a space…Read more...
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on (#61D92)
London’s Heathrow Airport is capping daily passenger numbers for the summer and telling airlines to stop selling tickets as it steps up efforts to quell travel chaos caused by soaring travel demand and staff shortages. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#61BYN)
TONOPAH, AZ—Explaining that he wasn’t going to be pressured into rushing for the sake of a gesture, a local nuclear plant employee Kevin Rachlin confirmed Monday that he wasn’t going to walk faster just because his coworker was holding open the critical reactor’s blast door for him. “I’m not going to be forced into…Read more...
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on (#61BYP)
NEW YORK—A report released Wednesday confirmed that you are going to be alone for the rest of your life and the reason is you refuse to take a bath. “You just don’t smell good—that’s the whole reason why things aren’t working out for you romantically,” read the report in part, ruling out other factors in your…Read more...
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on (#61BX9)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Saying the ammunition would soon be available over the counter, the FDA reportedly approved a new bullet Tuesday for use on humans. “Given their high level of effectiveness in our trials, we have decided to authorize these new bullets for human use,” said FDA commissioner Robert Califf, explaining…Read more...
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on (#61BC7)
WASHINGTON—A report published Tuesday after the release of the inaugural photographs from NASA’s James Webb Telescope found that the deepest, sharpest images of the universe still pale in comparison to a Lisa Frank folder. “While the Webb telescope’s imagery of nebulae and star clusters is technically impressive,…Read more...
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on (#61BAH)
A new CDC report has found that more than 80% of urine samples taken from 2,310 children and adults contained glyphosate, a weed-killing chemical found in herbicides around the world that has been linked to cancer. What do you think?Read more...
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