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on (#5PYRP)
BERLIN—In a ceremony to commemorate her stepping down from her post as chancellor of Germany after 16 years, European Union officials honored Angela Merkel’s tenure Friday by giving her Greece. “We hope that the chancellor will accept the nation of Greece as a small parting gift to show our appreciation for her many…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-04 14:45 |
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on (#5PYMF)
WASHINGTON—Confirming that a historic spike in violent crime was beginning to subside, a study from Georgetown University released Friday found that murders rose at a slower rate in 2021 thanks in large part to the brilliant work of Inspector Marcele Lachance. “Our analytics show a 15% drop in the rate of homicides as…Read more...
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on (#5PYRQ)
SAN DIEGO—Due to its aggressive messaging surrounding cannabis, online weed delivery service GreenDream was reportedly turning off potential customers Friday with how into weed they are. “I was thinking about getting some marijuana delivered, but after a few minutes browsing such an vociferously pro-pot site, I’m kind…Read more...
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on (#5PYBQ)
A new study suggests that snakes survived the asteroid that wiped out 76% of lifeforms on Earth 66 million years ago by being able to hide underground and go long periods without food, allowing them to spread into new habitats across the globe without competition. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PYBP)
THE HEAVENS—Concerned that the prehistoric reptiles’ behavior had gotten out of hand, God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Friday that He was considering moving dinosaurs to a separate part of His Kingdom. “It was fine 200 million years ago when there were only a few of them here and there, but now there…Read more...
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on (#5PYBM)
France recently recalled its ambassador to the United States over the cancellation of a submarine deal by the Australian government, the latest controversy in what has been a sometimes fraught relationship between two old allies. The Onion looks at key events in the timeline of U.S.–France relations.
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on (#5PXF7)
WASHINGTON—Monitoring the tense situation at a migrant camp in Del Rio, TX, Vice President Kamala Harris told reporters Thursday she was deeply troubled by images of U.S. crackdowns on thousands of Haitian asylum seekers whom she distinctly remembers telling not to come here. “What is happening at the border is…Read more...
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on (#5PXDJ)
The Taliban has requested to address the annual United Nations General Assembly’s meeting of world leaders, raising questions over who should represent Afghanistan in the organization with many Taliban interim ministers still on the UN’s blacklist of terrorists. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PXAR)
MOSCOW—Calling it an exciting new transportation option for ursine performers on the go, authorities in Russia’s capital debuted its long-awaited BearShare bike sharing program exclusively for Asiatic circus bears, sources confirmed Thursday. “Whether they reside here, their troupe is just passing through, or they’ve…Read more...
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on (#5PXAS)
MILWAUKEE—Trying not to picture his father hurt or incapacitated, local man Eamon Pike was reportedly growing terrified Thursday that something had happened to his dad after still not receiving a recommendation for the new Hulu series Only Murders In The Building. “For the first couple weeks I figured he just hadn’t…Read more...
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on (#5PVN3)
A high-profile case involving the disappearance of travel influencer Gabby Petito and the subsequent disappearance of her fiancé, Brian Laundrie, has resulted in a federal manhunt. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide into how law enforcement manhunts work.Read more...
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on (#5PVEE)
Samuel Adams is launching a new, limited-edition beer that will be illegal in 15 states due to its high alcohol by volume of 28%, more than five times the potency of typical US brews. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PTHS)
ATLANTA—Overwhelmed and running low on resources, hospital administrators confirmed Tuesday that intensive care units across the country were filled to capacity with journalists and broadcasters who were busy reporting on the many anti-vaxxers dying from Covid-19. “At the moment, our critical care facilities are…Read more...
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on (#5PTA2)
Now this is the sort of thing you don’t see everyday! The iconic raccoon that inspired stealth gaming antihero Sly Cooper just made a public appearance for the first time in years to lunge out and bite a child.Read more...
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on (#5PSXA)
New York City Audubon volunteers found the carcasses of nearly 300 birds that crashed into glass towers across the city last week in a mass casualty event. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PS35)
NEWARK, NJ—According to a new study released Monday by researchers at Rutgers University, the first 72 hours after a person is reported missing are crucial in determining whether or not their case will go viral. “Our study found that if a missing person case fails to garner media attention in the first three days of…Read more...
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on (#5PS0R)
CHICAGO—All the people out there, living their lives, cut adrift amidst a sea of faces in which they cross paths but never quite connect, where are they going, a new report inquired Monday. “So many people, moving here and moving there, going about their days, eyes downcast as they make their way…where, exactly?” the…Read more...
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on (#5PRV7)
The British High Court has ruled that the will of Prince Philip will be sealed from the public for at least 90 years to protect the dignity of the Sovereign, keeping with a convention dating back to 1910. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PRV8)
SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Unseen to all but the most trained observer, the veneer of the Johnsons’ perfect suburban life was reportedly just a facade concealing a pleasant family with several fun lawn games. According to sources, the Johnsons’ white picket fence, trimmed hedges, and pristine garage containing two shiny cars…Read more...
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on (#5PRSM)
HAGATNA, GUAM—Expressing relief that the effects of the climate crisis were perhaps not as dire as previously thought, the world’s leading marine ecologists announced Monday that rising sea levels over the past century were mostly caused by a clump of hair clogging the drain at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. “We…Read more...
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on (#5PRSK)
TORONTO—Casting doubt on the 35-year-old’s commitment to the franchise, so-called diehard Blue Jays fan Eric Tremblay wouldn’t even leap over a stadium railing to catch a T-shirt Sunday during the team’s series finale against the Twins. “Eric talks a big game about how this team is his life, but he wouldn’t even throw…Read more...
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on (#5PRQM)
You might want to erase your browser history, because nothing is a bigger turn-off than reading a list like this. Here are some obvious signs your partner isn’t sexually satisfied.
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on (#5PRN8)
VANCOUVER—Archaeologists from the University of British Columbia have announced new findings Monday revealing that Neolithic people took a couple of weekend trips to North America in order to get a feel for the new continent before committing to a migration across the Bering Strait land bridge. “Analysis of artifacts…Read more...
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on (#5PNEF)
Gene-editing technology CRISPR was in the spotlight this week after a biotech startup unveiled a mission to use it to resurrect wooly mammoths by 2027. The Onion provides a helpful guide to common questions about CRISPR.
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on (#5PJFG)
A team of scientists in New Zealand have started “potty training” calves in a process called “MooLoo training,” an experiment aimed at reducing soil and waterway contamination from cattle waste, which makes up half of agriculture-related ammonia emissions. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PHPP)
ROME—Unearthing the earliest known instance of fans being completely fleeced, archeologists from the University of Milan announced Tuesday that they had discovered a buried concession stand at the colosseum that gouged ancient Romans 10 denarii for a small clay cup of wine. “There were prices well beyond what your…Read more...
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on (#5PHGK)
PORTLAND, ME—Questioning how far they would have to go to gain the man’s approval, members of area band Zachariah Flood, halfway through their second set at the Apohadion Theater, confirmed Tuesday they were really busting their asses to earn a local concertgoer’s head nod. “Damn it, I thought we had him with the…Read more...
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on (#5PH0Z)
Even such a simple reminder about addictive substances can send your friend spiraling into a relapse.
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on (#5PH0Y)
Facebook has partnered with Ray-Ban to create glasses called Ray-Ban Stories that can take photos, record video, answer phone calls and play podcasts, with a plan to introduce true augmented-reality spectacles in the future. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PDQ0)
WASHINGTON—As they reminisced 20 years later about a devastating and historic national tragedy, Americans reportedly took note Saturday of how the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks were the last time the country was able to put aside its differences and stand united in a bloody, homicidal thirst for vengeance. “Nowadays,…Read more...
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on (#5PCHM)
First lady Jill Biden has resumed teaching in-person writing and English classes at Northern Virginia Community College, the first first lady to leave the White House to log hours at a full-time job. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5PB96)
A former Walmart executive has unveiled plans for a $400-billion futuristic desert metropolis called Telosa, which promises to be eco-friendly, drought-resistant, and accessible by 15-minute commute times within the city. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5P9R1)
China has banned “effeminate” men on TV and ordered broadcasters to promote more “masculine” role models as part of a broader Communist Party campaign to tighten controls over society and enforce official morality. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5P8V1)
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing their dedication to informing readers about the current turmoil of the region, the media announced Tuesday that they would not stop covering Afghanistan unless President Biden happens to wear a scarf. “Of course, our goal right now is covering the abject failure of the Afghanistan withdrawal,…Read more...
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on (#5P8V2)
Members of the Sackler family who are at the center of the nation’s deadly opioid crisis have won sweeping immunity from opioid lawsuits linked to their privately owned company Purdue Pharma and its OxyContin medication as part of the company’s bankruptcy settlement. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#5P4TY)
BERKELEY, CA—In a rare silver lining amid increasingly dire assessments of the climate crisis, optimistic researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, released a report Friday suggesting there was still time to head off environmental catastrophe before it started killing rich people. “Though rising sea…Read more...
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on (#5P3DV)
Bonnaroo organizers have announced that the music and arts festival, which was scheduled to take place this weekend in Tennessee, has been canceled, citing flooding from heavy rains. What do you think?Read more...
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Javy Báez Wishes He’d Found More Tactful Way To Express Desire For All Mets Fans To Eat Shit And Die
on (#5P0C6)
NEW YORK—Admitting that it was not the most clear way of communicating, Mets second baseman Javier Báez told reporters Tuesday he wishes he had found a more tactful way to tell Mets fans that they should eat shit and die. “Those thumbs down were childish and unproductive, and I should have simply spoken up to let fans…Read more...
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on (#5P050)
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Making sure to use all the time they had remaining to leave the country with a strong national identity and political stability, the final U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan reportedly did some last-second nation-building Monday on the way to the plane as they completed their evacuation. “We were heading…Read more...
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