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on (#61B5K)
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to back out of the $44 billion offer to buy the social media company, Elon Musk reportedly deleted the Twitter app from his phone on Tuesday. “God, this whole thing has turned into such a nightmare—it’s time to end this mess once and for all,” said the 51-year-old Tesla CEO, who slowly pressed…Read more...
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-12-19 12:34 |
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on (#61B5M)
THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Applauding workers for making the ultimate sacrifice, Amazon supervisor Todd Clark delivered a rousing speech to employees Tuesday about honorably laying down their lives for Prime Day. “Though your body may perish on your delivery route, your passing will ensure that the legacy of Prime Day lives on…Read more...
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on (#61AHY)
NEW YORK—Informing the bustling crowd it was time to bid on the night’s big-ticket item, Sotheby’s officials announced Tuesday the auctioning off of a rare date with a T. rex skeleton. “Up next, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, one fabulous night for two out on the town with this handsome, enchanting—and might…Read more...
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on (#61AFV)
WASHINGTON—Exploring his options for responding to several crises mounting across the country, President Joe Biden told reporters Tuesday that he was seriously considering the prospect of convening the first-ever meeting of his cabinet. “It’s a pretty drastic step, so you don’t want to do something like this unless…Read more...
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on (#619G7)
BLOOMFIELD, CT—Urging their client to cover all of the expenses related to their medical condition just this one last time, insurance company Cigna reportedly swore Monday that they’ll definitely get the next round. “Listen, if you grab this one, we’ll pick up the next bill for sure,” said an official from the Fortune …Read more...
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on (#619FV)
Services like Affirm and Afterpay that offer the ability to buy products now and pay for them later are becoming increasingly popular, with one study finding that over half of consumers have used one, but critics warn that many users don’t understand the potential consequences. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of…Read more...
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on (#61960)
COLUMBUS, IN—Saying he must be involved in some sort of high-stakes negotiations over the terms of a sale worth billions of dollars, hotel sources told reporters Monday that the unidentified man using the La Quinta business center must be a top-ranking corporate executive in town to close a major deal. “He’s been in…Read more...
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on (#6179R)
Boris Johnson announced his resignation after more than 50 conservative lawmakers stepped down in protest, saying the prime minister was no longer fit to lead the country due to a series of scandals, the latest surrounding sexual misconduct by a deputy chief whip he promoted. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#6179T)
SAN FRANCISCO—According to a new report released Friday by the National Association of Realtors, more young American adults are becoming homeowners by renting a house or apartment on Airbnb and then changing the locks. “Though millennials had to endure the Great Recession and are now faced with soaring housing costs,…Read more...
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on (#6175E)
DETROIT—In an effort to determine if she was overreacting to her injuries, skeptical physician Wayne Mahomes asked his patient Megan Wensberg, who was flattened by a steamroller this week, to rate her pain. “Now, realistically, on a scale of one to 10, with one being no pain and 10 being the worst pain possible, what…Read more...
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on (#6175F)
“I’m for whatever leads to fewer Americans.”Read more...
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on (#616QY)
ATLANTA—In what the company is touting as the first writing implement of its kind, permanent marker brand Sharpie introduced a new line of pens Friday designed specifically for making a subtle mark on a bottle of alcohol to determine if your supposedly sober boyfriend is drinking again. “Offering the ultimate in…Read more...
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on (#616QZ)
A dispatch assistant at a cold meats manufacturer in Chile submitted his resignation and could not be found after his job accidentally paid him about 330 times his salary because of a payroll error, the man receiving $180,418 instead of his monthly $545 paycheck. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#616P8)
JACKSON, MS—Urging every American to stay still and quit squirming, the nation’s overweight bullies announced Friday their plan to sit on you. “Rest assured, we will chase you down very slowly, we will throw you onto the blacktop, and we will take a seat on you,” said Jason Evans, speaking on behalf of the country’s…Read more...
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on (#61654)
Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comics, is receiving serious backlash for his tweet suggesting that a parent should kill their own son if he is “a danger to himself and others,” claiming the only other option is to watch people die. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#615X0)
Staff shortages at airlines, weather delays, and a spike in holiday travel have left many travelers struggling to take long-overdue vacations and make visits home. The Onion asked travelers how they felt about the nationwide delays, and this is what they said.Read more...
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on (#615KT)
ANDOVER, MA—Explaining that the only way she could get people to stop hitting on her was to pretend she was married, local woman Carla Watters told reporters Thursday she always wore a fake wedding dress to bars to deter unwanted advances. “Before, men would harass me constantly, but now that I can just flash them my…Read more...
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on (#615ER)
FORT WORTH, TX—In response to skyrocketing consumer demand, American Airlines introduced new nonstop flights directly into the side of a mountain, sources confirmed Thursday. “Beginning this weekend, American Airlines customers will now be able to book convenient one-way trips that will transport them from over 30…Read more...
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on (#615EC)
BIRMINGHAM, AL—Apologizing that athletes, fans, and coaches were forced to sit idle and watch 5th graders bowl, organizers of the World Bowling Championship announced Thursday that the event had been postponed after the lanes had been reserved for an 11th birthday party. “We are so sorry, but the World Bowling…Read more...
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on (#615D3)
BALTIMORE—In landmark research into what may be a root cause of emotional distress, a new study published Thursday in the The American Journal Of Psychology found a link between intense feelings of loneliness and currently being stuck halfway down the dark tube of a waterslide. “Our decade-long study found that across…Read more...
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on (#614XM)
Rising rents, soaring home prices, and increasing homelessness have created a full-blown crisis in American housing, one with no easy solution. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures that demonstrate the scope of America’s housing crisis.
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on (#614GS)
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Saying he would hate to see them make the same mistake so many others in romantic relationships seemed to make, area man Sam Veitch explained Wednesday to his girlfriend, Sandra Rice, that he didn’t want to become one of those couples that spent time together. “You just see it so much—two people start…Read more...
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on (#614EE)
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Confirming the activity was a welcome pursuit after a long day at the office, local woman Kate Buxton told reporters Wednesday that the intramural volleyball league she belonged to had provided her with new opportunities to feel like a loser outside of work. “It’s nice, after several hours of meetings…Read more...
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on (#6146V)
DAYTON, OH—Frustrated with how overly familiar strangers could be, local pregnant woman Laura Murray said Wednesday that she wished people would ask before touching her breasts. “I know it’s exciting to see a pregnant woman walk into a room with big bulging tits, but I wish people would at least ask before manhandling…Read more...
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on (#60ZBZ)
HESPERIA, CA—Declaring there were just some areas in which men would always be superior to women, local man Ryan Neves adamantly told reporters Friday he would be a much better political prisoner than WNBA star Brittney Griner. “No offense to her, but if I were being held captive by a foreign government, I’d be better…Read more...
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on (#60Z9R)
Taco Bell is testing new menu items, the Big Cheez-It Tostada and Big Cheez-It Crunch Wrap Supreme, which both feature an oversized Cheez-It cracker 16 times the size of a regular Cheez-It, in the hopes of replicating the success of the restaurant’s Dorito shells. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60Z9T)
COOS BAY, OR—Stumbling backward as he lost his main weapon, then reaching for his pant leg, a firefighter disarmed of his hose grabbed a squirt gun from his ankle holster to continue battling the flames around him, sources confirmed Friday. “You thought you had me!” the quick-thinking firefighter was heard to yell as…Read more...
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Supreme Court Casually Mentions Nation Now Divided Into Six Provinces Ruled By Conservative Justices
on (#60YM4)
WASHINGTON—In a tangential footnote appended to its 6-3 decision in West Virginia v. Environmental Protection Agency, the Supreme Court casually declared Thursday that the nation had been divided into six provinces, each of which would be ruled by a Republican-appointed justice. “The court hereby decrees that the six…Read more...
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on (#60YM5)
Justice Stephen Breyer notified the White House that his retirement will be effective today at noon Eastern time, paving the way for Ketanji Brown Jackson to be sworn in as Supreme Court Justice on the conservative-majority court. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60XWP)
CALISTOGA, CA—Turning off the lights of his hotel room and immediately wincing in utter revulsion, local man Kenny Porter told reporters he was disgusted Thursday after shining a blacklight on his ejaculating penis. “Ugh, god, it was terrible, the second I flipped the switch, there were neon spots everywhere, starting…Read more...
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on (#60X9P)
Former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson testified Tuesday that despite Donald Trump being informed that the protesters outside the White House on Jan. 6 had weapons, he told officials to “let my people in” and march to the Capitol. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60WMY)
WASHINGTON—Condemning the cabinet member for being so inconsiderate, Department of Transportation sources confirmed Wednesday that Pete Buttigieg’s locomotive was always taking up two whole parking spots. “You get one reserved parking spot, not two; I don’t care how big your vehicle is,” said Regina Merrill, one of…Read more...
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on (#60VYZ)
NEW YORK—Sentenced to 20 years in prison, Ghislaine Maxwell reportedly received a lighter penalty Tuesday for her years of dedicated work with children. “Ms. Maxwell had very deep, personal ties with local children and shepherded them through a confusing system with a commitment few other mentors would,” said Judge…Read more...
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on (#60VXG)
Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong told a London concert audience that he will renounce his U.S. citizenship following the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, and relocate to the U.K. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60VTC)
WASHINGTON—In a controversial 6-3 decision regarding religious freedom, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that public school teachers were allowed to lead students on Crusades to win back the Holy Land for Christians. “Because the First Amendment guarantees the free exercise of religion, all school employees have the…Read more...
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on (#60V5R)
LOS ANGELES—Saying they just wanted to see her happy, sources confirmed Monday that friends of local single woman Meredith Singer were always trying to set her up with a new puzzle. “Okay, don’t be mad, but we think we found the perfect one for you this time,” longtime friend Rebecca Bates told the unattached…Read more...
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on (#60V3X)
Sens. Susan Collins (R-ME) and Joe Manchin (D-WV) told reporters they were misled by Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh, who both testified under oath that Roe v. Wade was settled legal precedent. What do you think?Read more...
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on (#60TAM)
CHICAGO—Calling the short, 30-minute appointment windows the “perfect white noise” to zone out to, local therapist Thea Tucker confirmed Monday that she wasn’t really invested in her patient but liked having her on in the background. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s a totally fine client and all, but there’s something about…Read more...
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on (#60TAN)
EAST AURORA, NY—In a severe backlash from parents on social media, toy manufacturer Fisher-Price was hit with criticism Monday over their plastic food reportedly giving kids unrealistic expectations that there will be enough food. “The people who run Fisher-Price ought to be ashamed that their plastic peanut butter…Read more...
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on (#60TAP)
NASHVILLE, TN—Trying to shrink down lower into his chair, Riverbend Maximum Security Institution prisoner Bertram Ray told reporters Monday he is embarrassed that everyone can currently see his whole skeleton while he is being electrocuted. “It’s one thing to go out with 1,750 volts of electricity pumped through your…Read more...
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