The Onion

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Waving homemade signs outside the department store, anti-jacket demonstrators held a rally at Burlington Coat Factory Monday to protest what they called the “liberal cold weather conspiracy.” “The elite at Burlington Coat Factory think they can convince us that parkas and down jackets can protect us…Read more...

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Plus, we’ll sit down with OPR’s immortal election expert who has only predicted 12 of 58 presidential elections correctly, but we still give him some air time every four years anyway.Read more...

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A man was mauled by a black leopard after paying $150 to have a “full contact experience” with the dangerous animal. What do you think?Read more...

Popular streaming service Netflix will increase pricing for its most popular plan to $14 per month and its premium plan to $18 per month in an attempt to overcome recent market slumps. What do you think?Read more...

Election night, Nov. 3, is being scrutinized as uncertainties with voting, a pandemic, and the rhetoric of President Donald Trump have led to speculation that there might not be a firm resolution. The Onion looks at the most likely ways that election night could unfold.Read more...

ARLINGTON, TX—Promising that the team was all on the same page heading into this week’s matchup with the Eagles, Dallas head coach Mike McCarthy dismissed rumors of turmoil in his locker room Friday after Cowboys players burned an effigy of him at midfield. “The media is trying to start a narrative by saying the…Read more...

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KNOXVILLE, TN—Calling the discovery “too good to be true,” HGTV development executive Robert Courter reportedly moaned with pleasure Friday upon receiving word about triplets who flip, furnish, and sell houseboats in the Carolinas. “Sweet Jesus, look at the way they swing those big sledge hammers,” said Courter, who…Read more...

ASTRAL PLANE—Citing an increased desire to take some time for themselves before joining the great choir invisible, more souls are choosing to defer entrance to Heaven for a year in order to spend time backpacking through the spirit realm, according to a comprehensive interfaith report released Thursday. “I have my…Read more...

A pro-Trump voter from rural Missouri. A young, die-hard Democrat from Boston. Can they put their difference aside, and prove that there is more that unites us than divides us? We’ll find out as soon as we unlock the door of the room they’ve been sealed inside of for the last week.Read more...

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Under pressure from animal advocacy group PETA, retailers have stopped stocking coconut milk brand Chaokoh due to allegations of using forced monkey labor in Thailand to pick coconuts. What do you think?Read more...

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With less than one week until polls close, the nation continued its sprint to finish one of the most contentious and exhausting elections in recent history as early voter count rose to over half of 2016’s final turnout. What do you think?Read more...

CANYON, TX—Loading their firearms with enough ammo to mark their preferred candidates for each race, Texas voters lined up to begin shooting their 2020 ballots at local election ranges, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s always nice to stare down the ol’ iron sights and make your voice heard by leaving a bullet hole on…Read more...

NFL Week 8 is a time of introspection and reflection in the fantasy football world, a week where you look back on the mistakes of the past and start to get in touch with the lineup that makes you truly happy. Onion Sports fantasy expert Gary Borkowski is here to aid in that quest with his top players to start or sit.Read more...

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MOBILE, AL—Pleased to have his concerns mitigated so early on, local man Sammy Althaus was reportedly relieved Thursday that the movie he was watching wouldn’t be too scary after one of the characters assured her friend there is no such thing as ghosts. “I was a little nervous about this film since I don’t like…Read more...

YORBA LINDA, CA—Asking the members of the wealthy local citizenry to put a brief pause on their construction projects, Orange County authorities reportedly urged residents Thursday to stop building additions onto homes that are currently on fire. “We understand that a breezeway or infinity pool is your top priority at…Read more...

CHICAGO—As she gazed into each kennel and let out a deep, regretful sigh, 31-year-old Chicago resident Lisa Kessler told reporters Thursday it broke her heart to think of all the pets in her local shelter who would be put down without ever being dressed like a Ghostbuster. “It’s just so sad that the majority of the…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Complaining that successful entry was largely determined by nepotism, aspiring actor Xander Barrick confirmed Thursday he might give up on his dreams after struggling for years to break into Steven Spielberg’s 20,000-square-foot Pacific Palisades compound. “I moved out here in 2017 and have been trying to…Read more...

ATHENS, GA—Growing increasingly suspicious as he reflected on the ease of casting his ballot, local man Andrew Perez told reporters Thursday that he worried only 15 minutes of waiting had meant his voting experience had been too easy to be legitimate. “Man, I was just in and out of the polling place in no time, so I…Read more...

And later, we explain how to properly fill out your mail-in ballot just in case you’re too fucking stupid to figure it out yourself.Read more...

Scientists have discovered a detached coral reef measuring 1,640 feet tall within the Great Barrier Reef, the first to be discovered in over 120 years. What do you think?Read more...

On November 3, Americans will head to the polls to potentially make their voices heard in electing the next president of the United States. The Onion looks back at the most pivotal moments of the 2020 election cycle.

While full moons regularly appear on Halloween every 19 years for some time zones, this October 31st will mark the first time since 1944 that a full moon will be visible to Americans across all U.S. time zones. What do you think?Read more...

MADISON—Authorities confirmed Wednesday that the already long six-hour lines had come to a standstill at Wisconsin polls after the state’s official voting pen rolled under a vending machine. “We regret to inform voters that earlier today, an elderly poll worker mistakenly dropped the only available voting pen in all…Read more...

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ANGOLA, LA—Following over two decades of incarceration, Louisiana Penitentiary inmate Reggie Clark, a man falsely imprisoned for 24 years, was finally granted permission Wednesday to serve out the remainder of his sentence in the prison’s new Wrongly Accused Wing. “This was an unacceptable miscarriage of justice,…Read more...

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ATLANTA—In response to criticism that the protracted waits at polling places were a clear example of voter suppression, Georgia Republicans argued Wednesday in defense of the state’s hours-long lines for early voting, saying it gave citizens just the right amount of time to slow cook pulled pork. “Look folks, long…Read more...

DENVER—As he stretched out 3 inches beyond the space afforded passengers in the rest of the main cabin, Delta Airlines passenger Carter Foss reportedly enjoyed the benefits of hundreds of years of racial and class privilege Wednesday by upgrading to a seat with extra legroom. Sources confirmed his purchase of a Delta…Read more...

Hear why the American populace has never been lucky in leadership, and is now beginning to wonder if they’re the reason they’ve never been able to settle down with someone who’s truly the electable type.Read more...

Rap mogul Jay-Z on Friday launched Monogram, a line of cannabis products from the company Caliva where he is the chief brand strategist. What do you think?Read more...

NASA confirmed Monday that chemical analysis reveals the lunar surface harbors multiple pockets of frozen water, including in areas exposed to sunlight, bolstering previous theories about the existence of H2O on the moon. What do you think?Read more...

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YAKIMA, WA—Recalling the better days when there was real art to arguing over who had the greatest skills, local baseball fan Dennis Morehouse complained Tuesday that he does not need some stupid formula to tell him which players have the best WAR or wOBA. “Back in the ’60s and ’70s, you didn’t need some website and a…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Expressing his desire to continue contributing to the World Series in any small way after two quality starts, Clayton Kershaw reassured his Dodgers teammates Tuesday that he was still fresh enough to melt down out of the bullpen. “I know everyone expects me to be completely spent, but this is the World…Read more...

NEW YORK—Declaring that bold effort was the only way to stave off the devastating planetary effects of climate change, a new environmental initiative Tuesday reportedly called for planting 20 million new Earths. “Together we can save humanity from climate change, and even a dollar can help us grow millions of the new…Read more...

CHICAGO—Clicking rapidly through links scattered across the darkest corners of the Water Reclamation District website, Chicago resident Daniel Harris told reporters Tuesday he was sucked down an obscure internet rabbit hole learning about down-ballot candidates. “Okay, so I started out researching the big national…Read more...

NEWBURYPORT, MA—Panicking after encountering the information while reading through an article online, new parents Lindsey Conway and Michael Rhodes reportedly freaked out Tuesday upon learning that babies can often live up to 100 years. “Oh God, we got this baby thinking it would just be a few year commitment, tops,”…Read more...

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Hear why the high volume of voters in 2020 could pose a massive problem by making our country look like a bunch of pencil-pushing poindexters.

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Keith Rainere, the founder of Nxivm, which has been described as a pyramid scheme, sex-trafficking operation, and a cult, will be sentenced on Tuesday after a federal jury found him guilty on all charges of sex trafficking, racketeering, and posession of child pornography last year. What do you think?Read more...