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Updated 2025-12-19 17:48
City Enters Phase 4 Of Pretending Coronavirus Over
DALLAS—Saying the city remained on track for progressing into the final stage, Mayor Eric Johnson told Dallas residents Friday that they would soon officially be entering Phase 4 of pretending the coronavirus was over. “Thanks to the efforts of municipal employees, I’m happy to say we’ve reached the final phases of…Read more...
ExxonMobil Simplifies Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half
IRVING, TX—Emphasizing that the new process would revolutionize the fossil fuel industry forever, ExxonMobil announced Friday that they had developed a simpler process of extracting oil that involved cutting the Earth in half. “According to our research, there is no faster, easier, and more painless way to find deep,…Read more...
Online Activists Raise $5 Million To Create New Martin Luther King Jr. Quote
Plus, a troubling new report has found nearly 80% of all car accidents occur inside the home. We’ve got the latest on how to keep you and your family safe while burning rubber in your living room.Read more...
The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 15, 2020
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Lady Antebellum Changes Name
The pop-country band announced via Twitter Thursday that they want to ensure their music is inclusive and regret using a name associated with the Civil War and slavery, adding that they will go by Lady A going forward. What do you think?Read more...
Woman On Sidewalk Can’t Even Summon Kernel Of Whimsy Required To Skip Along Hopscotch
SEATTLE—Unmoved by the colorful chalk pattern drawn on the sidewalk by neighborhood youth, local woman Abigail Keston could not summon from anywhere inside herself the kernel of whimsy required to skip through the hopscotch grid she was walking past, reports confirmed Wednesday. According to sources, despite the…Read more...
Timeline Of Trump’s Response To The George Floyd Protests
In the two weeks since protests erupted across the nation following a Minneapolis police officer killing black man George Floyd, President Donald Trump has continued to stoke controversy with his responses. The Onion recounts Trump’s decisions, actions, and statements throughout the protests.Read more...
37-Year-Old Worried He Might Have Missed Boat On Becoming Child Prodigy
AUSTIN, TX—Disheartened that his dreams had yet to come to fruition, local 37-year-old Michael Campbell was reportedly worried Wednesday that he might have missed the boat on becoming a child prodigy. “Don’t get me wrong, I know 37 is still young, but sometimes I wonder if it’s too late to become a world-renowned…Read more...
Biden Flattered His 1994 Crime Bill Suddenly Starting To Receive So Much Attention
WILMINGTON, DE—Saying that he was surprised but delighted that his decades-old work still had so much resonance with the present moment, presumptive Democratic Party presidential nominee Joe Biden reportedly expressed Wednesday how flattered he was that his 1994 crime bill was suddenly starting to receive so much…Read more...
‘Trump Is Finally Done, Trump Is Finally Done,’ Says Strait-Jacketed Opinion Columnist Babbling To Cup Of Applesauce
WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly unhinged after reading that the president’s favorability numbers were plunging, strait-jacketed opinion columnist Gail Collins repeated to herself that “Trump is finally done” while babbling to a cup of applesauce, sources confirmed Tuesday. “The Republicans are at last abandoning him,…Read more...
‘Banjo-Kazooie’ Fans Will Love This: This Man Threw His Bird On The Ground
Ever since the 1998 debut of the original Banjo-Kazooie for the Nintendo 64, the Rare platformer has been regarded as one of the greatest games of all time. And while there hasn’t been a new game featuring the beloved characters in 12 years, Banjo-Kazooie fans are in luck, because we’ve found just the thing—this man…Read more...
Adopt-A-Slide: These 10 Slides Still Need A Slideshow Home
Hi! I used to be part of a slideshow called “REWIND! 10 Board Games That Take Us Back To The ’80s.” I’m quite friendly and I really love to be around other slides. Adopt me today!Read more...
Second Meal After Grocery Trip A Severe Drop-Off From First Meal After Grocery Trip
BOSTON—Scrounging together any fresh ingredients he could find, local man Marcus Barrow confirmed Wednesday that the second meal after his grocery trip was a severe dropoff from his first meal after the trip. “I had this whole week of meals planned out, but yesterday was a whole thing and I just don’t have the energy…Read more...
WHO Walks Back Claim That Covid-19 Can Only Be Transmitted Through Locking Eyes With One True Love
GENEVA—Acknowledging the comment had been based on results from only two or three studies, the World Health Organization walked back an earlier claim Wednesday that Covid-19 could only be transmitted among humans via one person locking eyes with another who is their one true love. “Preliminary data indicated the virus…Read more...
Woman Begins Defeated Slog Back Upstairs To Apartment To Retrieve Forgotten Mask
AUSTIN, TX—Releasing a deep sigh as she turned around and reentered the building, local woman Rebecca Dwyer reportedly began a defeated slog back upstairs to her apartment Wednesday to retrieve a forgotten facemask. “I’m probably fine without—wait, no, ugh, I should go get it,” said Dwyer, who wearily trudged back up…Read more...
TV Critic Struggling To Explain Appeal Of Watching Television To Average American
NEW YORK—Having difficulty making the case for the cutting-edge artistic medium in one of her columns, local TV critic Melissa Andino was reportedly struggling Tuesday to explain the appeal of watching television to the average American. “I know television can seem like a daunting and sometimes impenetrable art form,…Read more...
Tuba Player In John Williams Orchestra Loves Giving Little Toot When Something Dramatic Happens
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NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018
Two years ago to the day, NASA’s Opportunity was swallowed up by the red planet in what has since been deemed an unprovoked attack. And now, NASA is seeking its revenge.Read more...
U.S. Economy Officially Entered Recession In February
According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, the United States officially entered a recession in February after coronavirus outbreaks shuttered businesses across the country, ending 11 years of growth. What do you think?Read more...
‘New Yorker’ Cartoon Editor Defends Publishing Comic By Tom Cotton
NEW YORK—Responding to reader outcry by explaining that the magazine was committed to publishing work by people from all political perspectives, New Yorker cartoon editor Emma Allen defended publishing a comic Tuesday by Tom Cotton. “While we might not agree with every word of our cartoonists’ captions and every…Read more...
Woman Who Hasn’t Attended Protest Yet Hoping Police Brutality Still Going On Next Week Too
MINNEAPOLIS—Realizing she had yet to make it out to a protest, local woman Alexis Hunt reportedly expressed hope Tuesday that police brutality would still be going on next week, too. “I feel bad I haven’t gotten around to protesting yet, but there’s still the chance cops will be beating people in the street this…Read more...
Major Hype: Gamers Have Been Divorcing Their Spouses Because They Aren’t As Beautiful As The Graphics On ‘Unreal Engine 5’
Anyone who caught last month’s Unreal Engine 5 demo footage knows that the hype is real. Its photorealistic textures, pitch-perfect physics, and mind-boggling number of onscreen polygons are set to define what’s possible for the next generation. But the proof in the pudding that UE5 will change everything isn’t in the…Read more...
8-Month Odyssey Of Distress, Despair Ends In Redemption As Man Finally Gets Around To Buying Batteries For Remote
PORTLAND, OR—As he summoned his strength to overcome the grave misfortune that befell him nearly eight months ago, a dire saga of great anguish reportedly ended in triumph Tuesday when a local man finally got around to purchasing the batteries needed to power his TV’s remote control. “Sweet, now I won’t have to get up…Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2020
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National Guard By The Numbers
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Panicked White Woman Calls Police On Statue Of Martin Luther King Jr.
Cell phone footage of the incident has gone viral on social media, but many are now asking if the statue of Dr. King actually did anything wrong.Read more...
‘Moms Are The Real Heroes,’ Reads New Comment On 2015 ‘Ant-Man’ Trailer
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Everyone Who Learned Of Our Dalliance With The Colonel This Year
The Chambermaid: I am near certain that she glimpsed me in the hall, much closer to the colonel’s chambers than just a friendly acquaintance is wont to go.Read more...
Apparently Even Fence Feels Need To Comment On Woman’s Appearance
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Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam Will Not Have Guns In ‘Looney Tunes’ Reboot
Producers for HBO Max’s new Looney Tunes say the show will not include guns and that Elmer Fudd will hunt Bugs Bunny with a scythe, though the series will still feature other forms of cartoon violence such as explosives and other Acme products. What do you think?Read more...
Poll Finds Two-Thirds Of Americans Think Trump Has Made Racial Tensions Worse
As the nation enters week three of protests against police brutality sparked by the death of George Floyd, 67% of Americans say President Trump has increased racial tensions and 62% agree the demonstrations are lawful, according to a Marist poll. What do you think?Read more...
TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids
CULVER CITY, CA—Expressing their sincerest regret for the massive oversight, video-sharing app TikTok issued an apology Monday after inadvertently giving a platform to thousands of theater kids. “Rumors that users are exploiting our service to perform A Star Is Born covers are deeply disturbing, and we’re very sorry…Read more...
Company Issues Statement Announcing They Stand With Rejected Black Applicants
NEW YORK—Voicing support for those it ultimately passed over in favor of a white applicant, financial services giant Morgan Stanley issued a statement Monday indicating it stands in solidarity with all its rejected African American job candidates. “There is no excuse for racial discrimination in America or anywhere…Read more...
Wriggling Cat To Be Held Until It Accepts Its Fate
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Kyrie Irving Suggests NBA Hold Games Inside Higher Plane Of Reality Beyond Limits Of Mortal Realm
NEW YORK—Warning that players need to be protected not just from coronavirus but from the corruption of modern life itself, Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving suggested Monday that the NBA keep players safe when reopening by holding games in a higher plane of reality free from the limits of the conscious, mortal realm.…Read more...
15 Popes They Didn’t Tell You About In Sunday School
Sure, everyone has heard of Pope Francis or Pope John Paul, but there are quite a few pontiffs in the shocking history of the Catholic Church that your teachers never dared to tell you about. Read on to learn more about these interesting, trailblazing, or outright controversial popes.Read more...
New LinkedIn Feature Lets Job-Seekers Add Most Humiliating Things They Willing To Endure
It’s tough competition for those out there seeking employment. We’ve got the latest on how you can use the new feature to make yourself seem weak and easy to manipulate so you can finally land that dream job you so desperately crave.Read more...
The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 8, 2020
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Youtube Star Jake Paul Charged With Trespassing
Social media influencer Jake Paul was charged with misdemeanor criminal trespass and unlawful assembly after video footage showed him present inside an Arizona mall as it was looted, though Paul says he did not take anything and was only observing. What do you think?Read more...
General Mattis Condemns Trump As Threat To Constitution
Former Defense Secretary General James Mattis penned a critique of the president this week saying Donald Trump has abused his executive authority and seeks to divide Americans rather than unite them. What do you think?Read more...
Two Buffalo Police Officers Suspended After Staining Clean Sidewalk With Blood
BUFFALO, NY—After a video of the incident received national attention, Buffalo mayor Byron Brown confirmed Friday the suspension without pay of two policemen who were caught staining an otherwise spotless section of city sidewalk with blood. “I have seen the video and am deeply disturbed by the actions of these…Read more...
Police Chief Vows To Take Concrete Steps To Better Cover Up Violence
LOS ANGELES—Promising swift action that would bring about much-needed change to the department, Los Angeles Police chief Michel Moore vowed Friday to take concrete steps to better cover up violence. “We’ve been as disturbed as anybody else that these videos are coming to light, and we’re taking immediate measures to…Read more...
Pros And Cons Of Curfew Laws
Cities around the country have implemented curfew laws in response to the ongoing protests over the police killing of George Floyd, with the measures receiving support and backlash. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of curfew laws.
Buffalo Police Request Reinforcements Until Elderly-Man Rampages Fully Contained
BUFFALO, NY—Calling the various geriatric protestors the “greatest threat to officers thus far,” the Buffalo Police Department requested reinforcements Friday until the frail elderly men rampaging through their city were fully contained. “Due to the terrifying influx of senior citizens recklessly hobbling through the…Read more...
Oakland Athletics Stadium Immediately Converted Into Condos After Team Misses Rent Payment
OAKLAND, CA—As the moving trucks of new residents arrived outside the former Oakland Coliseum over the objections of team officials, the Oakland Athletics stadium was immediately converted into condos Friday after the team missed a rent payment. “We warned the Athletics organization that if they were delinquent on…Read more...
Letdown: Naughty Dog Says They Worked So Hard On ‘The Last Of Us II’s Amazing Cutscenes, They Only Had Time To Create A Basic Word Puzzler For Gameplay
Well, gamers, this is a bit of a bummer. While past trailers for The Last of Us Part II made it look like it would be a genre-defining interactive experience that expanded on everything that made the original great, Naughty Dog revealed today that they spent so much time crafting the game’s incredible plot and…Read more...
Family Left Elderly Grandmother To Die In Nursing Home But Not Like This
MURFREESBORO, TN—Shocked to learn the grandmother of seven had died suddenly of Covid-19, a local family told reporters Friday they had left their elderly relative Beverly Foley to die in a nursing home, but not like this. “When we checked Nana into Woodpoint Crest, we figured we’d leave her there and forget about her…Read more...
Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality
Top U.S. health officials are worried the massive in-person demonstrations could be a fertile breeding ground for excessive force that may stretch the nation’s healthcare system to its limits.Read more...
Georgia Governor Orders Statue Of Robert E. Lee To Be Replaced With Larger Statue Of Robert E. Lee
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Richmond, Virginia Mayor Issues Ordinance To Remove Confederate Statues
Mayor Levar Stoney announced plans to remove all city-controlled Confederate statues from Monument Avenue, saying “Richmond is no longer the capital of the Confederacy—it is filled with diversity and love for all—and we need to demonstrate that.” What do you think?Read more...
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