The Onion

SAN QUENTIN, CA—Following the announcement that Joe Biden won the U.S. Presidential Election, the Aryan Brotherhood reported a record surge in donations this week. “Over the past few days, we have seen a record increase in donors who want to help us during this time of unprecedented assaults on the master race,” said…Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing their profound relief that they would soon put aside the agonizing song and dance, media outlets nationwide noted their excitement this week at finally ending the half-assed charade of trying to understand the American populace. “God, it’s been such a fucking slog going into Bumblefuck, Iowa and…Read more...

Carl Lentz, known for his friendships with celebrity worshippers and for being a spiritual advisor to Justin Bieber, has been fired from New York City megachurch Hillsong due to “moral failures” including infidelity. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following Donald Trump’s defeat in the 2020 presidential election, a crying Eric Trump reportedly asked his father Friday if they were poor now. “Daddy, I’m scared. Are we all out of money now that you’re not president no more?” asked Eric, 36, wiping away tears and snot from his face as he struggled to…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Excoriating the presumptive nominee for his lack of action, the national news media turned its ire on the Biden administration Tuesday for its failure to solve the Covid epidemic. “Hopes were high when President-elect Biden won the election but unfortunately at this point he has failed to deliver on his…Read more...

NEW YORK—Blasting the former vice president for spreading misinformation at this perilous time for democracy, media figures across the political spectrum condemned Joe Biden Friday for his baseless claim that the nation will come together once the election was over. “Shame on Vice President Biden for perpetuating…Read more...

Kosovo President Hashim Thaci resigned from office Thursday to fly to The Hague following his indictment for war crimes and crimes against humanity during the Kosovo War. What do you think?Read more...

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Hear why you probably should have set a back-up alarm because it’s already 11 a.m. and everyone is looking for you.Read more...

A severe thunderstorm in the Libyan capital of Tripoli dropped hail measuring 7 inches in diameter last week, which experts say are some of the largest hailstones ever photographed. What do you think?Read more...

Voters in Utah have passed an amendment to remove a provision from the state constitution that allows slavery or involuntary servitude if it is as punishment for a crime. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Alarmed that his chances of victory had grown increasingly slim, a visibly panicked Donald Trump decided Thursday evening that he would be fine with debating Democratic opponent Joe Biden on Zoom if that was what it took to win, sources close to the president confirmed. “Fine, I’ll do it—get the computer…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Blasting the complete lack of empathy, campaign attorneys for President Donald Trump filed a lawsuit in Pennsylvania Thursday alleging state election officials were totally disregarding his feelings. “A lot of these ballots clearly contain information that makes me sad and scared, and it’s just not right,”…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Exhausted after 48 hours of following cable news coverage and continually refreshing their web browsers, Americans from all 50 states and the District of Columbia told reporters Thursday they do not want to see the color red or the color blue in any context or for any reason ever again. “I swear to God, if…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Hoping to learn from their failure to court the potential voter base in the 2020 election, Democratic strategists held a screening of Three Amigos Thursday in an effort to help the party better understand Latino culture. “One of the major blunders of the last campaign cycle was Democrats’ lack of a message…Read more...

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Over 600 dogs and cats were flown from overcrowded shelters in Hawaii to Washington, Oregon, Montana, and Idaho, where the animals are more likely to be adopted in what organizers say is the largest pet rescue flight ever. What do you think?Read more...

Hear why a growing list of targets and scant resources may have more violent alt-right groups biting off more than they can chew.Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—In what amounts to an unequivocal victory for the multibillion-dollar rideshare corporations, California ballot measure 22 officially passed Tuesday, allowing Uber and Lyft to categorize their workers as car parts. “We’re absolutely thrilled with this outcome that lets us legally recognize drivers as a…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Though he was indignant that his employer expected him to carry on as normal while the nation awaited results in what might be the most important election of his adult life, sources confirmed local data analyst Dennis Andino nonetheless put in his ordinary half-assed effort at work Wednesday. “Seriously, how…Read more...

A court in London has ruled that the British tabloid The Sun did not commit libel when they published a 2018 article claiming actor Johnny Depp was abusive toward his ex-wife Amber Heard, which the judge ruled to be “substantially true” based on evidence presented by the defense. What do you think?Read more...

ALPHARETTA, GA—As the glow of her victory dimmed and the reality of what she’d agreed to do finally dawned on her, newly elected QAnon-supporting Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) was reportedly worried Wednesday morning that she was selling out by going to work with a pedophile cabal. “I mean, Congress is…Read more...

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Taking full advantage of the post-election markdowns, local woman Olivia Fanelli reportedly loaded up Wednesday on discounted voting machines. “Three’s probably more than I need, but they’re practically giving these away at the Board of Elections,” said Fanelli, who lugged the devices out to her truck…Read more...

Dutch authorities say a subway train that derailed from its elevated track avoided plunging to the ground below after it caught on a 32-foot statue of a whale’s tail. What do you think?Read more...

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ATLANTA—As time continued to pass without any election developments to report, an increasingly flustered CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer cut to coverage of the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 to distract from a lack of concrete results. “We can now conclusively state that Flight 370 did not go down off of the western…Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—Deciding to prepare himself for any situation that might emerge following the election, area man Josh Miller bought a couple boxes of macaroni and cheese on his way home from work in case society descended into a horrifying, blood-soaked pandemonium, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Having a few things of Easy…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Providing simple methods for entering a completely unhinged state, the far-right conspiracy theory website InfoWars reportedly offered readers Tuesday a helpful guide to staying psychotic and violent during the stressful Election Day. “In order to make sure you maintain a sense of derangement and hostility…Read more...

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“Baby Shark,” the children’s song produced by South Korean company Pinkfong, has been played over 7.043 billion times, beating Luis Fonsi’s “Despacito” to become the most-watched Youtube video ever. What do you think?Read more...

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Hear why these unmistakably nasty ballots that were used to either wipe off a voter’s face or clean up a spill could affect tonight’s election outcome.Read more...

STOCKBRIDGE, MA—Urging readers to just take a look at the shining sun and the blue sky stretching far as the eye could see, a report released Tuesday morning found that nothing could go wrong on a day as beautiful as this. “Boy oh boy, the birds are singing and there isn’t a cloud in sight—yessiree, today…Read more...

The parent company of Burger King, Popeyes, and Tim Horton’s restaurants will add “predictive selling technology” to 10,000 drive-thrus over the next two years, which they say will tailor promotions to consumers based on previous orders, weather patterns, time of day, and other factors. What do you think?Read more...

For nearly two weeks, hundreds of thousands of people have marched through Warsaw and other major cities in Poland to protest the government and a new court ruling that leaves the country with a near-total ban on abortion. What do you think?Read more...

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SCHAUMBURG, IL—Waving homemade signs outside the department store, anti-jacket demonstrators held a rally at Burlington Coat Factory Monday to protest what they called the “liberal cold weather conspiracy.” “The elite at Burlington Coat Factory think they can convince us that parkas and down jackets can protect us…Read more...

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Plus, we’ll sit down with OPR’s immortal election expert who has only predicted 12 of 58 presidential elections correctly, but we still give him some air time every four years anyway.Read more...

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A man was mauled by a black leopard after paying $150 to have a “full contact experience” with the dangerous animal. What do you think?Read more...

Popular streaming service Netflix will increase pricing for its most popular plan to $14 per month and its premium plan to $18 per month in an attempt to overcome recent market slumps. What do you think?Read more...