The Onion

PORTLAND, OR—Boasting that the products will help boost soccer performance in all the areas that matter to soccer players, Adidas held a press conference Monday where they unveiled a new line of soccer stuff. “We are gonna have all sorts of new soccer things coming out, from soccer leg stuff to stuff for when you are…Read more...

SEATTLE—Suspending the service subscribed to by more than 1,350 police departments nationwide, Amazon announced this week it would halt use of its facial recognition software by law enforcement until the company could perfect its “Other Faces You Might Be Interested In” feature. “We have chosen to place a one-year…Read more...

Ex-DEA officer Garrison Kenneth Courtney admitted in court last Thursday to deceiving companies and public officials into believing he was a covert CIA agent in order to defraud contractors of nearly $4 million, at one point claiming a foreign government had poisoned him with ricin. What do you think?Read more...

DALLAS—Saying the city remained on track for progressing into the final stage, Mayor Eric Johnson told Dallas residents Friday that they would soon officially be entering Phase 4 of pretending the coronavirus was over. “Thanks to the efforts of municipal employees, I’m happy to say we’ve reached the final phases of…Read more...

IRVING, TX—Emphasizing that the new process would revolutionize the fossil fuel industry forever, ExxonMobil announced Friday that they had developed a simpler process of extracting oil that involved cutting the Earth in half. “According to our research, there is no faster, easier, and more painless way to find deep,…Read more...

Plus, a troubling new report has found nearly 80% of all car accidents occur inside the home. We’ve got the latest on how to keep you and your family safe while burning rubber in your living room.Read more...

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The pop-country band announced via Twitter Thursday that they want to ensure their music is inclusive and regret using a name associated with the Civil War and slavery, adding that they will go by Lady A going forward. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—Unmoved by the colorful chalk pattern drawn on the sidewalk by neighborhood youth, local woman Abigail Keston could not summon from anywhere inside herself the kernel of whimsy required to skip through the hopscotch grid she was walking past, reports confirmed Wednesday. According to sources, despite the…Read more...

In the two weeks since protests erupted across the nation following a Minneapolis police officer killing black man George Floyd, President Donald Trump has continued to stoke controversy with his responses. The Onion recounts Trump’s decisions, actions, and statements throughout the protests.Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Disheartened that his dreams had yet to come to fruition, local 37-year-old Michael Campbell was reportedly worried Wednesday that he might have missed the boat on becoming a child prodigy. “Don’t get me wrong, I know 37 is still young, but sometimes I wonder if it’s too late to become a world-renowned…Read more...

WILMINGTON, DE—Saying that he was surprised but delighted that his decades-old work still had so much resonance with the present moment, presumptive Democratic Party presidential nominee Joe Biden reportedly expressed Wednesday how flattered he was that his 1994 crime bill was suddenly starting to receive so much…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly unhinged after reading that the president’s favorability numbers were plunging, strait-jacketed opinion columnist Gail Collins repeated to herself that “Trump is finally done” while babbling to a cup of applesauce, sources confirmed Tuesday. “The Republicans are at last abandoning him,…Read more...

Ever since the 1998 debut of the original Banjo-Kazooie for the Nintendo 64, the Rare platformer has been regarded as one of the greatest games of all time. And while there hasn’t been a new game featuring the beloved characters in 12 years, Banjo-Kazooie fans are in luck, because we’ve found just the thing—this man…Read more...

Hi! I used to be part of a slideshow called “REWIND! 10 Board Games That Take Us Back To The ’80s.” I’m quite friendly and I really love to be around other slides. Adopt me today!Read more...

BOSTON—Scrounging together any fresh ingredients he could find, local man Marcus Barrow confirmed Wednesday that the second meal after his grocery trip was a severe dropoff from his first meal after the trip. “I had this whole week of meals planned out, but yesterday was a whole thing and I just don’t have the energy…Read more...

GENEVA—Acknowledging the comment had been based on results from only two or three studies, the World Health Organization walked back an earlier claim Wednesday that Covid-19 could only be transmitted among humans via one person locking eyes with another who is their one true love. “Preliminary data indicated the virus…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Releasing a deep sigh as she turned around and reentered the building, local woman Rebecca Dwyer reportedly began a defeated slog back upstairs to her apartment Wednesday to retrieve a forgotten facemask. “I’m probably fine without—wait, no, ugh, I should go get it,” said Dwyer, who wearily trudged back up…Read more...

NEW YORK—Having difficulty making the case for the cutting-edge artistic medium in one of her columns, local TV critic Melissa Andino was reportedly struggling Tuesday to explain the appeal of watching television to the average American. “I know television can seem like a daunting and sometimes impenetrable art form,…Read more...

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Two years ago to the day, NASA’s Opportunity was swallowed up by the red planet in what has since been deemed an unprovoked attack. And now, NASA is seeking its revenge.Read more...

According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, the United States officially entered a recession in February after coronavirus outbreaks shuttered businesses across the country, ending 11 years of growth. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Responding to reader outcry by explaining that the magazine was committed to publishing work by people from all political perspectives, New Yorker cartoon editor Emma Allen defended publishing a comic Tuesday by Tom Cotton. “While we might not agree with every word of our cartoonists’ captions and every…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Realizing she had yet to make it out to a protest, local woman Alexis Hunt reportedly expressed hope Tuesday that police brutality would still be going on next week, too. “I feel bad I haven’t gotten around to protesting yet, but there’s still the chance cops will be beating people in the street this…Read more...

Anyone who caught last month’s Unreal Engine 5 demo footage knows that the hype is real. Its photorealistic textures, pitch-perfect physics, and mind-boggling number of onscreen polygons are set to define what’s possible for the next generation. But the proof in the pudding that UE5 will change everything isn’t in the…Read more...

PORTLAND, OR—As he summoned his strength to overcome the grave misfortune that befell him nearly eight months ago, a dire saga of great anguish reportedly ended in triumph Tuesday when a local man finally got around to purchasing the batteries needed to power his TV’s remote control. “Sweet, now I won’t have to get up…Read more...

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Cell phone footage of the incident has gone viral on social media, but many are now asking if the statue of Dr. King actually did anything wrong.Read more...

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The Chambermaid: I am near certain that she glimpsed me in the hall, much closer to the colonel’s chambers than just a friendly acquaintance is wont to go.Read more...

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Producers for HBO Max’s new Looney Tunes say the show will not include guns and that Elmer Fudd will hunt Bugs Bunny with a scythe, though the series will still feature other forms of cartoon violence such as explosives and other Acme products. What do you think?Read more...

As the nation enters week three of protests against police brutality sparked by the death of George Floyd, 67% of Americans say President Trump has increased racial tensions and 62% agree the demonstrations are lawful, according to a Marist poll. What do you think?Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—Expressing their sincerest regret for the massive oversight, video-sharing app TikTok issued an apology Monday after inadvertently giving a platform to thousands of theater kids. “Rumors that users are exploiting our service to perform A Star Is Born covers are deeply disturbing, and we’re very sorry…Read more...

NEW YORK—Voicing support for those it ultimately passed over in favor of a white applicant, financial services giant Morgan Stanley issued a statement Monday indicating it stands in solidarity with all its rejected African American job candidates. “There is no excuse for racial discrimination in America or anywhere…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Warning that players need to be protected not just from coronavirus but from the corruption of modern life itself, Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving suggested Monday that the NBA keep players safe when reopening by holding games in a higher plane of reality free from the limits of the conscious, mortal realm.…Read more...

Sure, everyone has heard of Pope Francis or Pope John Paul, but there are quite a few pontiffs in the shocking history of the Catholic Church that your teachers never dared to tell you about. Read on to learn more about these interesting, trailblazing, or outright controversial popes.Read more...

It’s tough competition for those out there seeking employment. We’ve got the latest on how you can use the new feature to make yourself seem weak and easy to manipulate so you can finally land that dream job you so desperately crave.Read more...

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Social media influencer Jake Paul was charged with misdemeanor criminal trespass and unlawful assembly after video footage showed him present inside an Arizona mall as it was looted, though Paul says he did not take anything and was only observing. What do you think?Read more...

Former Defense Secretary General James Mattis penned a critique of the president this week saying Donald Trump has abused his executive authority and seeks to divide Americans rather than unite them. What do you think?Read more...

BUFFALO, NY—After a video of the incident received national attention, Buffalo mayor Byron Brown confirmed Friday the suspension without pay of two policemen who were caught staining an otherwise spotless section of city sidewalk with blood. “I have seen the video and am deeply disturbed by the actions of these…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Promising swift action that would bring about much-needed change to the department, Los Angeles Police chief Michel Moore vowed Friday to take concrete steps to better cover up violence. “We’ve been as disturbed as anybody else that these videos are coming to light, and we’re taking immediate measures to…Read more...

Cities around the country have implemented curfew laws in response to the ongoing protests over the police killing of George Floyd, with the measures receiving support and backlash. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of curfew laws.

BUFFALO, NY—Calling the various geriatric protestors the “greatest threat to officers thus far,” the Buffalo Police Department requested reinforcements Friday until the frail elderly men rampaging through their city were fully contained. “Due to the terrifying influx of senior citizens recklessly hobbling through the…Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—As the moving trucks of new residents arrived outside the former Oakland Coliseum over the objections of team officials, the Oakland Athletics stadium was immediately converted into condos Friday after the team missed a rent payment. “We warned the Athletics organization that if they were delinquent on…Read more...

Well, gamers, this is a bit of a bummer. While past trailers for The Last of Us Part II made it look like it would be a genre-defining interactive experience that expanded on everything that made the original great, Naughty Dog revealed today that they spent so much time crafting the game’s incredible plot and…Read more...

MURFREESBORO, TN—Shocked to learn the grandmother of seven had died suddenly of Covid-19, a local family told reporters Friday they had left their elderly relative Beverly Foley to die in a nursing home, but not like this. “When we checked Nana into Woodpoint Crest, we figured we’d leave her there and forget about her…Read more...