The Onion

CHICAGO—Sinking into a depth of despair that they had been able to stave off until this point, locals reported Thursday that an inspirational “Hang in there” chalk message written on a sidewalk was the thing that finally broke the entire neighborhood. “Christ, I was actually feeling okay today, then I go out for a…Read more...

Words: More complicated than syllables but less complicated than sentences, words are great for people who are comfortable reading but are still getting their bearings.

Better come quick, Doc, these sick people are REALLY burning up!Read more...

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Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship is preparing to offer Mike Tyson over $20 million to come out of retirement for a single match, though the 53-year-old former heavyweight champion has yet to agree. What do you think?Read more...

Destruction of PPE. Free rein in nursing homes. Mass disposal of all hand sanitizer. These are just a small portion of the demands issued today by the coronavirus that must be fulfilled within the next 24 hours, or else.Read more...

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SAN FRANCISCO—Responding to continued outcry over their handling of the president’s often false and aggressive tweets, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey reportedly assured users Wednesday that the company was having the most idiotic possible internal conversations about Donald Trump’s account. “I understand many of our users…Read more...

Over the last few years, the gaming industry has been rocked by reports of the brutal crunch culture around programming. Thankfully, CD Projekt Red, creators of the Witcher series, stepped up to the plate today to make things right by announcing that all the coders who died in the making of Cyberpunk 2077 will be…Read more...

Twitter confirmed it will not remove President Trump’s tweets regarding a debunked conspiracy theory that TV host Joe Scarborough murdered a woman in 2001, saying the posts do not violate the company’s terms of service despite an open letter from the woman’s widower claiming regular users would be banned for similar…Read more...

This incredible picture depicts the powerful scissors in all their steadfast, sharp glory.Read more...

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Stressing that such ways of thinking helped keep her difficulties in check, local woman Audrey Leonard told reporters Wednesday that all of her current hardships were only preparing her to one day give up completely. “Yeah, things are tough right now, but it’s important to remember that all of the…Read more...

NEW YORK—Confident that given the chance he would absolutely blow the memorial committee away with his design, architect Shaun Linger told reporters Wednesday that he has an amazing idea for replacing New York’s Freedom Tower if the worst were to happen again. “I don’t want it to happen, but if tragedy were to strike,…Read more...

BALTIMORE—Perplexed by the method’s failure to soothe his discomfort, local man Drew Lindstrom confirmed Wednesday that his eye remained itchy and irritated, even after 30 minutes of constant rubbing. “I’ve been getting in there and really working at it with my knuckle, but if anything, it looks even more bloodshot…Read more...

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LOWELL, MA—Noting the poltergeist had been a little bit too friendly towards their children since they moved in last year, local resident Dean Fischer told reporters Wednesday that his family had become increasingly terrified that the ghost haunting their house might be a pedophile. “At first, it seemed fine, but…Read more...

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According to the CDC, rats that normally feed on restaurant scraps are struggling to find new food sources as the pandemic keeps businesses locked down, causing the animals to become abnormally aggressive and, in some cases, resort to cannibalism and infanticide. What do you think?Read more...

More cases of Covid-19 are being traced back to the irresponsible trend of ‘corona parties,’ leaving our reporter Kenneth Neeley to wonder why he hasn’t been invited to one yet even though he’s great at parties.Read more...

In an interview this past Sunday, President Trump claimed he has completed a regimen of hydroxychloroquine, an anti-malarial drug being touted as a possible Covid-19 treatment that researchers say increases the risk of potentially fatal heart arrhythmias in patients. What do you think?Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Apologizing for a lack of oversight following the death of George Floyd after police officer Derek Chauvin pinned him to the ground, Minneapolis Police Department officials announced Tuesday that they are now requiring all officers to undergo ergonomics training to better protect their knees. “After…Read more...

Two pounds of ground beef from the back of the freezer: Or is it flank steak? It’ll be fine once it’s defrosted.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Seeking to provide comfort in the face of the coronavirus epidemic, President Donald Trump held a press conference Tuesday, reflecting sadly that even one death that makes him look bad is a tragedy. “Every single loss of human life that can be directly attributed to my actions is one too many,” said Trump,…Read more...

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Kicking back on the couch sure beats a day at the office! Perhaps, though, that’s just you projecting your own views and desires on this individual. If you actually delved deeper you might not be so eager to take on the bleak and growing distance between this man and his family and the haunting sense of regret that he…Read more...

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The once-academically troubled son of God was finally able to get his GPA up during this past semester at Western Iowa Tech Community College. We’ve got the latest on the next chapter of the messiah’s ongoing education.Read more...

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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have released new guidelines for public pools and aquatic centers set to reopen this summer, urging employees and guests to wear masks and maintain social distancing both in and out of the water. What do you think?Read more...

CENTENNIAL, CO—Explaining how he frequently went against his own interests by trying as hard as he could, sources close to local database developer Patrick Ryan confirmed Monday that he was always self-sabotaging by working to the best of his ability. “Pat has so much potential, but he keeps kneecapping himself by…Read more...

Rihanna flaunts a sexy, barely-there look to the Battleship premiere. Somebody cover her up!Read more...

Now here’s an example of developers who aren’t doing their jobs. Riot Games, the publisher behind the upcoming 5v5 shooter Valorant, apparently designed it so that beta user Kyle Evans died even though he totally ducked.Read more...

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Department of Defense officials believe the mother’s impressive ability to care for her three energetic children and husband Landon while still carving out enough me-time to keep from pulling her hair out could have countless applications in the U.S. army.Read more...

Spend the months and years leading up to quarantine being a caring and genuinely interesting enough person that spending a few months apart doesn’t make everyone forget that you exist.

Actress Lori Loughlin and her husband, fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli, will plead guilty to conspiracy charges for their role in the 2019 college admissions scandal, with the couple facing between two to five months in jail and nearly $300,000 in fines between them. What do you think?Read more...

PITTSBURGH—Referring to the decision to open his doors to the Steeler quarterback as “brash and wrongheaded,” Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf told reporters Friday that he was upset at a local barber for being so reckless as to get near Ben Roethlisberger. “I’m angry that some people in Pennsylvania still don’t…Read more...

BEIJING—In an effort to prepare Chinese citizens for the ongoing pandemic, President Xi Jinping struck a dour note Friday, warning that a second wave of coronavirus had the potential to disappear thousands of Hong Kong residents. “If Coronavirus cases begin to spike again, we all have to be ready for a tragic reality…Read more...

While the days grow increasingly tedious and mind-numbing, The Onion’s team of underpaid mixologists have crafted 11 perfect drinks to help you survive social distancing.Read more...

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Prepare yourselves for some astonishing news, gamers! A biological phenomenon previously dismissed as impossible has finally occurred, transforming our fundamental understanding of science and human physiology for generations to come. Early this Friday morning, 28-year-old Sarah Holder was blessed by miraculously…Read more...

Heavy rainfalls led to the failure of two dams around Midland, Michigan, leading to mass evacuations and complicating the state’s handling of the coronavirus pandemic. The Onion answers the most important questions about the flooding in Michigan.

An underwater salvage firm has been granted permission to cut into the Titanic to remove the ship’s telegraph machine, though several groups including the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration argue the wreckage is a grave site and should not be disturbed. What do you think?

In these trying times where social isolation is the norm, companionship has become a top priority for many Americans. Which is why it’s no surprise more rescue subs than ever before are now finding their forever dungeon.Read more...

Rwandan genocide: OMG, this takes us WAY back. Way back to the ’90s, that is!Read more...

ABERDEEN, MS—Expressing feelings of insecurity over her appearance, an organic raspberry revealed Thursday that she was incredibly self-conscious about her amount of body hair. “I know it says more about society than it does about me, but I still feel pretty bad about all this fuzz,” said the raspberry, admitting that…Read more...

NEW YORK—Declaring that he was worried about their progress and afraid that time was running out, frustrated Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla reportedly admitted Thursday that the company discovered a coronavirus vaccine months ago but still can’t agree on an ad campaign. “The vaccine was pretty simple, actually, and it’s all…Read more...

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