The Onion

SEATTLE—Reflecting on the lost innocence of his youth, area serial killer Grant Southerton was reportedly feeling nostalgic Wednesday for those bygone days when he was still able to get excited by something as simple as setting a dog on fire. “Yeah, back when I was a kid, I remember spending hours absolutely…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Without speaking a single word, an elderly woman carting an oxygen tank reportedly caused riders to scatter from the priority seating area of a city bus Wednesday as though she were the most feared inmate on a maximum-security prison yard. The visibly frail woman, who reportedly clutched her walker as a…Read more...

Read more...

The spread of Covid-19, or the coronavirus, has reached every continent except Antarctica, with a death toll surpassing 3,000, and the World Health Organization announced that countries should prepare for a global pandemic. The Onion takes a look at the worst disease pandemics in world history.Read more...

BULLHEAD CITY, AZ—Wincing while reaching for the remote control, area woman Leigh Cortez braced herself Wednesday as the documentary she was watching panned in on a group of sea lions swimming near the shoreline. “Oh no, it’s a bunch of baby sea lions splashing around the ocean with their moms, so I know something…Read more...

Retired family court judge Judy Sheindlin announced that her eponymous courtroom reality show, which garners nearly nine million viewers a day and has made her one of the highest-paid television personalities of all time, will end following 25 years on air. What do you think?Read more...

Gamers, get ready, because we have some news that’s sure to make your day a little brighter: It turns out that everyone out there is having a lot of fun playing video games.Read more...

OLATHE, KANSAS—Completely ignorant to the root cause of his love and reverence for the band, restaurant server Kenny Angelos reportedly remained unaware Tuesday that his lifelong Aerosmith fandom is in fact the result of his early imprinting of Steven Tyler as his father figure. “Man, Steven Tyler fucking rules!” said…Read more...

On this Super Tuesday, Democrats in a number of key states are headed to the polls, but Republicans are outraged. Hear why many on the right are calling the 2020 election nothing more than a partisan witch hunt aimed at unseating the president.Read more...

ATLANTA—Acknowledging there was already a concerning scarcity before the epidemic reached U.S. shores, officials from the Centers for Disease Control urged Americans Tuesday to stockpile loved ones ahead of imminent nationwide coronavirus outbreaks. “With cases of COVID-19 now confirmed in 15 states, we are advising…Read more...

After ending their presidential bids earlier this week, both Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar say they are endorsing former Vice President Joe Biden for the Democratic nominee. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Expressing confusion as to the origin of the primitive celestial messengers, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, came across a tribe of sky-worshipping angels Tuesday in a region of Heaven previously believed to be uninhabited. “Thus far, they’ve been unreceptive to My word—when I…Read more...

WASHINGTON— Confessing that unprecedented breakthroughs were necessary if they hoped to keep consumers engaged, multiple spokespeople confirmed Tuesday that the snack industry has run out of ways to escalate the word ‘cheese.’ “Quaint terms like cheezalicious, cheesetastic, and cheesesplosion were good expressions in…Read more...

GENEVA—Acknowledging they were taken aback by the latest development in the global epidemic, panicked World Health Organization officials were reportedly unsure how to respond Tuesday after the coronavirus brought 12 people back to life. “Uh, okay, so COVID-19 remains a very grave health concern, but we have to admit…Read more...

Astronomers in Tucson have discovered a car-sized asteroid circling the planet, which they believe was captured by Earth’s gravitational pull in 2017 but will soon spin off to continue its journey around the sun. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Touting the new beauty regimen’s fast-acting, long-lasting effects, Neutrogena released a new deep-cleansing dermal kit Tuesday that’s just a 130-pound common chimpanzee, which combats the buildup of oil, grime, and dead cells in skin by ripping your face clean off. “The exfoliating tool at the heart of…Read more...

Read more...

Billionaire former hedge fund executive Tom Steyer, who spent over $260 million of his own money on his presidential bid, has dropped out of the race after taking third place in the South Carolina primary on Saturday. What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—Offering fresh insight into how the nation consumes media, a report from Emerson College revealed Monday that more Americans are opting to cut the cord on cable television by building and launching their own satellite into orbit. “Our research has found that an increasing number of Americans are looking for…Read more...

Democratic leaders hope to bring in fresh, butter-soft, blemish-free appearances to the party with a new $40 million pledge toward rejuvenating skin care products.Read more...

CHICAGO—Realizing that dramatic overcompensation was the best way to lift the tension, claims adjuster Ben Carroll committed to being excessively nice for the next 45 minutes to his friend, Thomas Ball, whom he had just snapped at. “The only way to fix this is to laugh at his jokes—which are never funny, by the…Read more...

COLD SPRING HARBOR, NY—Recoiling in disgust while recalling the upsetting incident, a eukaryotic cell confirmed Monday that it had been severely traumatized upon accidentally witnessing its parent cell divide and replicate itself through a process of mitosis. “God, it was so gross—all the organelles were just hanging…Read more...

TOLEDO, OH—Provoking widespread familial concern with her uncharacteristically gloomy outlook, depressed mother Linda Cartwright reportedly displayed a complete inability Monday to enjoy her adult son’s new haircut. “I knew something was wrong when she didn’t say anything about how grown-up and neat I look,” said Nick…Read more...

ORLANDO, FL—Touting the offer as an ethical, mouth-watering option for those suffering from incurable diseases, Olive Garden unveiled a new all-you-can-eat assisted suicide dinner Thursday for terminally ill customers. “Whether you are suffering from late-stage cancer or a degenerative neurological disease, Olive…Read more...

Read more...

According to the Federal Trade Commission, Americans were scammed out of $201 million in online dating schemes last year, a 40% increase from 2018, with the average victim losing $2,600 and victims over 70 losing closer to $10,000. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Warning that many Americans would be caught completely off guard, researchers at the University of Iowa released an alarming study Friday revealing that the majority of U.S. citizens are not prepared for when the sun engulfs the Earth in 7.5 billion years. “We polled thousands of people across all…Read more...

Read more...

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Expressing relief that her new purchase would finally help her get a more restful night’s sleep, area woman Wanda Armonson confirmed Friday that her weighted blanket was sure to succeed where CBD, a salt lamp, an oil diffuser, an acupressure mat, bath bombs, and a white noise machine had previously…Read more...

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—In an effort to quell cancellation rumors amidst coronavirus concerns, the International Olympic Committee announced Friday the 2020 Summer Games in Tokyo would go on as planned because true athletes always challenge themselves, welcoming every obstacle they counter. “At its core, being an…Read more...

This puppy’s got all the fixins, too. We’re talking mustard, relish, even hot peppers. But will this all-beef dog be the most advanced encased meat on the battlefield or just another classic example of government waste?Read more...

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Acknowledging his frustration about his overprotective parent, area man Mark Folta told reporters Friday that he couldn’t even go to Wuhan to eat bats anymore without his mom completely freaking out. “I’ve tried to explain to her that this is something I have done dozens upon dozens of times before…Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Stunning scouts as he effortlessly cleared out years’ worth of troubling posts while barely breaking a sweat, top NFL draft prospect T.J. DeLuca set a combine record Friday by scrubbing his entire social media presence in 17.64 seconds. “I’ve never seen anything like this, everything from his thoughts on…Read more...

Marine Corps Commandant Gen. David Berger has ordered that Confederate pharenphanlia be removed from all Marine installations worldwide, a move that comes at a time when 36% of active-duty service members say they have witnessed examples of white nationalism and other racist ideology within their ranks. What do you…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Michael Bloomberg’s Democratic presidential candidacy has shown the spotlight on stop-and-frisk policing policies, which he supported while New York City mayor and which remain a subject of controversy. The Onion debunks well-known myths about stop-and-frisk.Read more...

GREENVILLE, OH—Reaching a more profound understanding of what martyrdom really meant, local 12-year-old Charlie Ward reportedly took a moment Friday while doing the stations of the cross to reflect on the boredom Jesus Christ must have felt during the crucifixion. “At first, I wasn’t really paying attention, but as I…Read more...

The Scottish Parliament approved legislation Tuesday to provide free tampons and pads in public spaces, a move which activists and lawmakers say will promote gender equality and reduce the financial burden of purchasing period products, which are taxed as luxury goods in many countries. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

Hear why CBS studio executives are calling the decision to order up a full series of long-form ads from the Bloomberg campaign a “no-brainer.”Read more...

Russian tennis star Maria Sharapova, 32, is retiring after a 19-year career that included five Grand Slam titles, a silver Olympic medal and four years ranked as the Women’s Tennis Association’s number-one player. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that the franchise needed a complete overhaul if they wanted to compete, the Minnesota Timberwolves fired accounts receivable clerk Gary Nilson Thursday in the first big step towards turning the team around. “We want the fans to know we are serious about winning, and if we’re going to bring this…Read more...

CONCORD, NH—Explaining that the 90-minute drive between his home and workplace had its advantages, area man Nicholas Wylie, 40, told reporters Tuesday that he doesn’t mind his long commute because it gives him extra time to listen to the voice in his head saying he can’t keep living like this. “When I tell people I…Read more...

ST. PAUL, MN—Wrestling to regain control as she browsed image after image of attractive, successful young women, local girlfriend Kristen Ferguson, 28, repeatedly uttered the words “No, stop, please” Thursday as her hands uncontrollably Googled all of her boyfriend’s exes. “What’s happening, and why are you doing this…Read more...