The Onion

SEATTLE—Emphasizing the importance of providing comfort and support, social media manager Gillian Dearborne assured her longtime friend Julie Kaplan Tuesday that she would always be just a phone call, prefaced by 45 minutes of breathless meandering about some guy she’s seeing, away. “If you ever need me for…Read more...

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BEAVERTON, OR—Warning customers to return the garments should they find themselves being drained of all fluids, Nike recalled thousands of sweat-wicking shirts Tuesday that inadvertently pulled gallons of liquid directly from wearers’ bodies. “If you or anyone you know puts on a Legend Dri-FIT short-sleeve training…Read more...

CHICAGO—In an attempt to win back increasingly health-conscious consumers, fast-food giant McDonald’s launched its new “You Can’t Run From Us Forever” ad campaign Tuesday, a media blitz intended to remind potential customers of the futility of avoiding the ubiquitous restaurant. “Despite the trend toward calorie…Read more...

Examining the genre’s century-long rise through a 16-hour, 8-part documentary, Ken Burns’ Country Music premiered on Sunday to critical acclaim that lauded the series’ ability to celebrate the musical form’s history while discussing its more fraught roots. What do you think?Read more...

Oh, man, gamers have got to take a gander at this new trainwreck. It looks like reviewers across the internet are harping on new RPG Eternal Dragon: Knights Of Terellia, deriding the open-world game’s 5,000 hours of dialogue spread over 200 side quests and six different endings as completely rushed and blandly…Read more...

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BRISTOL, CT—Utilizing his expertise as one of the ad game’s all-time great pitchmen, ESPN debuted a new Monday Night Football segment this week featuring Peyton Manning breaking down the current crop of quarterback commercials. “Baker’s delivery is still a little stiff, but he has all the raw tools to deliver…Read more...

A recently surfaced sexual misconduct allegation suggests that at least one report about Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s behavior went undiscussed at his confirmation hearing, although the claim lacked corroboration or significant investigation. What do you think?Read more...

WALPOLE, NH—As he shuffled through the pages of one of the 463 x 1018 primary resources he has assembled thus far, an overwhelmed Ken Burns reported Monday that he may have gotten in over his head when he agreed to produce a 17-trillion-hour documentary for PBS titled The Universe. “It’s definitely a lot more work…Read more...

HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Saying that the U.S. history teacher had freaked out over basically nothing, classroom sources confirmed Monday that Mr. Bennington completely lost his shit in third period. “We were in the middle of a unit on World War II and Kyle was just sort of talking with some friends, and all of a sudden,…Read more...

HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Saying that his rude and obnoxious behavior should have come as a surprise to absolutely no one, classroom sources confirmed Monday that Kyle was acting like a petulant little shit in third period. “I’m trying to get these kids to focus for long enough to actually learn a thing or two about the…Read more...

Napping once or twice every week could have beneficial effects on cardiovascular health, making such nappers 48% less likely to suffer a heart attack, stroke, or heart failure than those who did not nap at all. What do you think?Read more...

TACOMA, WA—Sighing in resignation at the time he had squandered on such unimportant concerns, dying man Abe Prenderghast, 83, confessed Monday that his greatest regret was wasting so much of life obsessing over people he had systematically abducted and strangled. “Now that I’m at the end of the road, it’s hard for me…Read more...

SPARTA, OH—Reflecting wryly on the latest batch of rookies to head its way, a grizzled beer can being used as an ashtray reportedly watched Monday as another cocky 12-pack came and went through the patio. “These new cans breeze in, fresh and clean from the grocery store shelf, thinking they’re hot shit, but I…Read more...

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NASHUA, NH—Saying he had wholly misread his office mate’s mild, occasional interest in talking to him, sources confirmed Monday that local software engineer Michael Donner had mistakenly concluded that sitting in close proximity to a coworker for eight hours each day constituted friendship. “Yeah, I guess you could…Read more...

As gamers, we see a lot of strange things, but this one may take the cake. By some sort of strange voodoo, GameStop is selling a used version of Borderlands 3 just one day after it came out.Read more...

Americans tuned in Thursday night to watch a rapidly narrowing 2020 Democratic field make their case for the party’s nomination as Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren met on the debate stage for the first time in the race. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Emphasizing that the late billionaire was only having sex with consenting adults at the time, Harvard officials said Friday that the nearly $9 million Jeffrey Epstein gave to the university was received during a brief recovery period when he did not engage in pedophilia. “I want to be clear: These…Read more...

The practice of binge-watching TV shows has risen in popularity in recent years with the increase in streaming TV shows, but critics say it can have unintended consequences. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of binge-watching.Read more...

PARSIPPANY, NJ—Claiming that the recent spate of mass shootings gave them no choice but to stand up and try to make a difference, vegetable purveyor Green Giant launched a new program Friday where gun owners can trade in their firearms in exchange for green beans. “These kinds of weapons have no place on the street or…Read more...

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Gearbox Software’s third game in this epically playable co-op multiplayer game is finally upon us! Prepare to jump into all the post-apocalyptic action with our tips for playing Borderlands 3.Read more...

NORFOLK, VA—Saying it was never too early to begin instilling the values they believe in, liberal parents Christopher and Stacey Castaneda confirmed Friday that they were struggling to find a school district with high-quality drag queens. “We’re committed to finding a school system that has well-paid, skilled drag…Read more...

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After seeking treatment for pancreatic cancer over the summer, Alex Trebek returned for season 36 of trivia game show Jeopardy! What do you think?Read more...

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In the wake of a stumbling economy and several recent missteps, President Trump’s approval rating fell 6% to 38% in a recent ABC News-Washington Post poll. What do you think?Read more...

IRVING, TX—In response to multiple lawsuits and potential bankruptcy, desperate Boy Scouts officials unveiled a new You Can Mutilate As Many Dead Squirrels As You Want membership campaign this week. “Our mission here at the Boy Scouts of America is to prepare young people for the future by instilling in them a strong…Read more...

Prepare to have your heart warmed. In the wake of the devastation of Hurricane Dorian, thousands of gamers have pitched in to rescue abandoned consoles and find them homes where they can get the love and attention they need.Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Struggling to scrape by on his meager salary, actor Matthew McConaughey was reportedly forced to apply for food stamps Thursday after his first month working as an adjunct professor. “Man, things have been really tough lately, but fortunately I qualify for some nutrition assistance,” said the Academy…Read more...

BILLUND, DENMARK—In a touching tribute to their deceased young fans, toymaking giant LEGO unveiled a new line of playsets Thursday commemorating all the children who have choked to death on one of their interlocking construction blocks. “We are excited to finally introduce LEGO Dead Creator, a new series of playsets…Read more...

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YARMOUTH, MA—Shaking their heads in dismay at the clueless couple’s child-rearing difficulties, onlookers speculated Thursday that a husband and wife trying to screw their infant son into a light bulb socket must be first-time parents. “Boy, I know there’s a learning curve for raising a kid, but it doesn’t make it any…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Shedding new light upon the religious figure’s state after the Resurrection, archeologists from the University of Oxford discovered new evidence Thursday revealing that Christ suffered severe brain damage during his time lying dead in the tomb. “Although Christ was able to rise after his period in the tomb,…Read more...

Cautioning that the findings needed to be reproduced in a larger sample size, scientists giving healthy volunteers a cocktail of growth hormones and diabetes medications found they lost an average of 2.5 years from their biological age after one year. What do you think?Read more...

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President Trump fired John Bolton from his position as national security advisor, noting that the warhawk often conflicted with him on foreign policy matters. What do you think?Read more...

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ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—With its organizers hailing the temporary site as the city’s hottest destination this week, a new pop-up national park offers 500 square feet of pristine wilderness for the next two days, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Starting bright and early this morning and continuing through dusk tomorrow, the…Read more...

Apple revealed three new phones in its lineup at Tuesday’s press conference that add an improved camera and battery life, alongside an upgraded iPad and Apple Watch. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Taking a moment Wednesday to reflect on the historic tragedy, millions of Americans across the country solemnly recalled the terror and devastation visited upon their country by the 9/11 15th-anniversary media coverage. “It was so traumatizing to turn on the television that day and witness the horrific kinds…Read more...

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VALDOSTA, GA—Urging the feisty senior to pace herself, concerned Jackson family sources confirmed Wednesday that rowdy grandmother Arlene Jackson was seen careening around her son-in-law’s birthday party double-fisting grandchildren. “Nana’s got her arms so full of grandbabies that she’s practically falling over—she…Read more...