The Onion
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| Updated | 2026-03-14 21:47 |
on (#574S1)
DES MOINES, IA—In one of the worst swine-based disasters in recent history, the Iowa Department of Agriculture announced Thursday that crops were devastated after a big fat mama hog went on a tear through the state’s cornfields. “Hoo boy, that big ol’ sow ran through nearly 56 counties and destroyed over 13.8 million…Read more...
on (#574FR)
SOUTH BEND, IN—Protesting that her weekly sessions of self-examination and relationship analysis left him feeling consistently outmatched, local man Alan Waters confirmed Thursday that years of therapy had given his girlfriend, Tara Mikkelson, a distinct and unfair advantage in a recent fight. “She’s using all these …Read more...
on (#574FT)
We have the latest on this massive shakeup at the DNC. Hear how Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard was able to claim the nomination despite dropping out of the race nearly six months ago.Read more...
on (#574FV)
A lawyer for Mark and Patricia McCloskey, who face felony charges for waving firearms at Black Lives Matter demonstrators walking down their street in June, confirmed the couple have been invited to speak at the 2020 Republican National Convention. What do you think?Read more...
on (#573HN)
Donald Trump on Tuesday pardoned suffragist Susan B. Anthony, who was convicted and fined for voting in New York in 1872. What do you think?Read more...
on (#573CA)
MANCHESTER, ENGLAND—In an effort to shore up their racist chants and back side vandalism before the upcoming season, Manchester United called up phenom hooligan Liam Ward Wednesday from its development program in Pub League 2. “Liam has been tearing it up, notching 7.6 broken beer bottles per match, nobody else can…Read more...
on (#57320)
As the Covid-19 pandemic continues with no end in sight, it has had widespread economic impact, with many of its effects expected to last for a long time. The Onion looks at the most significant economic impacts of the coronavirus pandemic.
on (#572Y1)
SALINA, KS—Calling the change a minor improvement, family members acknowledged Wednesday that abusive dad Skip Pincombe had mellowed out into an emotionally abusive grandpa. “Growing up, Dad would beat our ass if we stepped a toe out of line, but age has softened him to the point where he’s like a totally different…Read more...
on (#572Y2)
NEW YORK—In what industry observers are hailing as the most innovative product launch to date, popular skin care and cosmetics line Glossier debuted an ad Wednesday that asks, “Why not?” as it introduces consumers to the novel concept of blush for butt cheeks. “Butt blush exists now, it’s a thing you can buy, so why…Read more...
on (#572Y3)
CUPERTINO, CA—Reaffirming the company’s commitment to responsible texting, Apple announced plans Wednesday to bring back the pistol emoji for users who complete a gun emoji safety course. “iPhone users who are 18 years or older may be eligible to text a digital pistol contingent on completing a six-week course taught…Read more...
Experts Say Future Of Green Transportation May Be 16-Ton Possum That Passengers Cling To Like Babies
on (#572Y4)
WASHINGTON—Calling the program “an ingenious idea with near-unlimited potential,” experts at the World Resources Institute announced Wednesday that their studies indicated the future of green transportation may, in fact, be a 16-ton possum that passengers can cling to like babies. “When we think about the future of…Read more...
on (#572Y5)
Hear why income inequality between the charmingly named pets of rich people and impoverished Americans is growing larger than ever before.Read more...
on (#572Y6)
LOS ANGELES—Taking a swig of whiskey and biting into a towel to stop herself from screaming, a shaking, bloody Zendaya reportedly cut a Daily Mail tracking device from her arm Wednesday with a steak knife. “Oh my god, that’s it...that’s how they always knew when I was out on a bike ride, drinking iced coffee, or…Read more...
on (#572Y7)
Researchers at Ohio State University say satellite data shows Greenland’s 660,000 square-mile ice sheet will continue to melt even if global temperatures remain the same, but added that limiting climate change could slow the rate at which the ice disappears. What do you think?Read more...
on (#572RA)
Former GOP Governor John Kasich, as well as two other prominent Republicans, spoke at the Democratic National Convention on Monday and announced his intention to vote for the former vice president this fall. What do you think?Read more...
on (#571XN)
PHOENIX, AZ—Expressing frustration with how badly his undercoat and tail got messed up the last time, local schnauzer Jellybean Hicks confirmed Tuesday that he hoped he wouldn’t get stuck with the chatty groomer again. “Oh my god, I’m telling you, the woman who was in charge of shearing me last time just would not…Read more...
on (#571KD)
LIVINGSTON, TN—Explaining how a few small changes would go a long way toward improving the place’s atmosphere, a group of patrons told reporters Tuesday the local meth den they frequented could really do with a good sprucing up. “Just sweeping out all the broken glass and replacing these old bloodstained rugs would…Read more...
on (#571C6)
LINCOLN, NE—Absolving himself from any further obligation to the insect, local man Samuel Platte confirmed Tuesday that it was “no goddamn use” trying to help the fly currently stuck inside his apartment if it didn’t truly want to be helped. “Look, pal, you gotta meet me halfway and at least try to get back outside,…Read more...
on (#571C8)
We have the latest on the new bill that would allow any citizen of a foreign nation to immigrate to the U.S. as long as their piano-playing is superb enough to make Citizen and Immigration officials openly weep.Read more...
on (#571CA)
Rideshare companies Uber and Lyft may temporarily shut down in California as early as this week after a judge ordered the businesses to reclassify their drivers as employees instead of independent contractors. What do you think?Read more...
on (#571C9)
WASHINGTON—Detailing what must be done as the dead-eyed chief justice scrawled a plan on his basement wall, the voices that had always whispered the founding fathers’ intent to John Roberts told him Tuesday that now is the time for him to slaughter the country’s leadership and seize the government for himself. “You…Read more...
on (#5716S)
President Trump told reporters that he believes Senator Kamala Harris may not meet the requirements to be vice president because her parents are immigrants, a claim White House chief of staff Mark Meadows said the campaign would not pursue because the constitution is clear that she is eligible to serve. What do you…Read more...
on (#5716V)
FAIRFAX, VA—Announcing its financial insolvency after decades of losing ground to the popular means of household protection, cash-strapped advocacy group the National Rifle Association officially declared bankruptcy Monday as more Americans have continued to realize that martial arts are, in fact, the best way to…Read more...
on (#5716W)
WASHINGTON—Announcing they were understaffed and needed all citizens to pitch in, NASA confirmed Monday that everyone in the country would need to take an hour-long shift looking out for asteroids headed toward Earth. “We don’t have enough astronomers on hand to always be watching the night skies for planet-destroying…Read more...
on (#5716X)
NEW YORK—Building upon theories that the café workers possess far more complex thought patterns than previously believed, a study released Monday by New York University’s Department of Anthropology suggests latte art could represent a primitive attempt by baristas to communicate. “By analyzing the baristas’ complex…Read more...
on (#5716Y)
SAVANNAH, GA—Emphasizing that the cutouts would create the illusion that learning facilities were just as cramped as the year before, representatives from Savannah High School confirmed Friday that cardboard students had been added between distanced desks to maintain a normal feeling of oversized classes. “Although…Read more...
on (#56XC4)
It’s long been considered a cornerstone of Shakespeare’s work, but mounting historical evidence says he may not have actually been responsible for the 1995 neo-noir mystery film.Read more...
on (#56XC5)
Illusionist David Blaine, known for extreme stunts and feats of endurance, will attempt to fly above New York City using helium balloons later this month as part of a Youtube livestream event. What do you think?Read more...
on (#56WMN)
The World Health Organization is calling on people to put off visiting the dentist for routine care until Covid-19 rates drop or until researchers know more about the risks involved. What do you think?Read more...
on (#56WMP)
STURGIS, SD—Gathering from across the country to present the latest scientific and sociological findings on riding hogs and throwing down, the 18th annual Sturgis Motorcycling Research Symposium continued Thursday with experts presenting on cutting-edge advancements in bar fight weaponry. “What really stunned me was…Read more...
on (#56WMQ)
CUPERTINO, CA—In an effort to build greater customer loyalty, tech giant Apple announced Thursday the rollout of a new subscription bundle called Apple One, which will combine its popular music and TV services with a hearty stew developed by CEO Tim Cook, all at one discounted monthly rate. “Apple One will make it…Read more...
on (#56WMR)
With the Big Ten and Pac-12 voting to delay their seasons this week, the debate has been raging over the relative value and safety of playing college football during the pandemic. Onion Sports evaluates the pros and cons of canceling the season.
on (#56WB0)
TOPSHAM, ME—Describing how his ineptitude in the battle royale mode was severely hampering his ability to proposition any of the preteens he was playing with, sources confirmed Thursday that local pedophile Darren Costas was sucking too bad at Fortnite to actually groom any relationships with children. “God, there’s…Read more...
on (#56WB1)
WASHINGTON—After the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in favor of the method being used on death-row inmates, federal prisons reinstituted executions by lethal inflation, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Pumping air into the prisoner until they swell up and burst into a cloud of bone and viscera is clearly a lawful and humane…Read more...
on (#56WB2)
ZIMBABWE—Disappointed that its generous portion of booty had apparently gone unnoticed by the hunters encroaching upon its habit, a local African elephant expressed disbelief Thursday that poachers were so focused on its tusks they had barely noticed its fine ass. “I understand these guys want to make a quick buck off…Read more...
on (#56WB6)
Covid-19. Police brutality. The 2020 presidential election. And on top of all that, snakes. Hear why sometimes it feels like Americans just can’t catch a break.Read more...