The Onion

LAFAYETTE, LA—Noting that their close friend’s current musculoskeletal structure already provided ample evidence as to where and when certain wrinkles would appear later in life, eyewitnesses to the face of local woman Zoe Campbell, 31, confirmed Wednesday that it was pretty obvious what Campbell would look like old.…Read more...

Netflix’s “Skip Intro” feature has led to concern that opening sequences of television shows, which can be artful, meaningful introductions, could be a dying art. The Onion takes a look at the most compelling and defining opening credits sequences of all time.Read more...

The Catholic Church now formally considers the death penalty “inadmissible” as an attack on the inviolability and dignity of the person and is pledging to work for its abolition worldwide, a shift from its previous position that it could be a force to protect the common good. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE, WA—With responses ranging from “squirming in discomfort” to “completely discouraged from studying science and engineering,” a nationwide poll group of high school-age girls revealed Tuesday that the nation’s young women are being utterly creeped out by scientists twice their age constantly attempting to lure…Read more...

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A new study found that women show more sensitivity to cognitive damage from heading soccer balls than men. What do you think?Read more...

GENEVA—Saying the time to act has come and gone, a group of researchers from the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change warned Tuesday that any hope for the future of humanity now hinges on the possibility that scientists like themselves are simply making all of this up. “After reviewing our climate models and…Read more...

WITTER SPRINGS, CA—Mortified at making such a boneheaded mistake during the largest blaze in state history, embarrassed California firefighters realized Tuesday that they have been spraying flames this whole time. “Aw, jeez, we’ve been using the fire cannons all along? That explains a lot,” said state firefighter Greg…Read more...

CHICAGO—In the wake of gun violence across the city that left 12 people dead over a single weekend, frustrated Mayor Rahm Emanuel was reportedly torn Tuesday between addressing Chicago’s shootings and just fucking going for the title of nation’s murder capital. “Look, things are tough right now, and it’s time for us…Read more...

FAIRFAX, VA—Claiming its finances are in peril following regulatory actions by the State of New York, the National Rifle Association told staff members Tuesday it has been forced to cut operational costs by shooting dozens of the gun advocacy group’s redundant employees. “Faced with difficult financial realities, we…Read more...

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NEW YORK—In an effort to make the biggest impact possible in his 17th season, Carmelo Anthony revealed Tuesday that he thinks he would be a great fit on a team with a general manager who hasn’t been paying close attention the last few years. “The ideal situation for me would be a team that thinks they need that one…Read more...

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AUSTIN, TX—Cautioning against the devastating effects of abandoning the daily regimen of essential vitamins and minerals, radio host Alex Jones warned his fans Tuesday that quitting his supplements cold turkey could lead to homosexuality and Judaism. “Folks, if you miss even one day of your Anthroplex or Survival…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging that his recent removal from several major media platforms may be for the best, noted conspiracy theorist and InfoWars host Alex Jones returned to his humble roots Monday screaming conspiracy theories through a megaphone at people in the park. “Although having my show and podcasts taken down…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the widespread repercussions from the act of corporate censorship, first amendment experts warned Monday that Facebook’s decision to ban InfoWars could set a completely reasonable precedent for free speech. “If we allow giant media platforms to single out individual users for harassing the…Read more...

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Conceding that any actual committed relationship with the anthropomorphic rodent would likely entail the usual day-to-day spousal complications, bachelor Pete Brookeshire admitted Monday that, in reality, a marriage to Minnie Mouse wouldn’t be as perfect as he liked to imagine. “Yes, Minnie is my dream…Read more...

President Trump admitted this weekend that the purpose of a meeting between his son Don Jr. and a woman linked to the Kremlin was to search for incriminating information about Hillary Clinton, directly contradicting previous statements. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Saying that home prospecting can be “a simple, low-effort method of exercising financial foresight,” the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors published a report Monday suggesting readers spend one evening ripping apart the walls and floorboards of their homes each week in search of hidden cash,…Read more...

ITHACA, NY—Finding himself nearly paralyzed by frustration and indecision, an American horned owl couldn’t remember which direction to turn in order to rotate his head back into place, avian sources confirmed Monday. “God, I always do this. I’m pretty sure it’s righty-tighty, lefty-loosey, but I forget which way I…Read more...

MILWAUKEE, WI—Expressing his deep and heartfelt regrets regarding how the incident has played out in the media, Milwaukee police officer Ian Feeny said Monday that he would never have killed an unarmed black man during a routine traffic stop if he had known that everyone would make such a big fuss about the incident.…Read more...

Defying legal advice, President Trump told lawyers recently that he is eager to sit down for an interview with the special counsel. What do you think?Read more...

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On Saturday night, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame and delivered his acceptance speech during the enshrinement ceremony in Canton, OH. Below are the words and phrases used by Lewis, weighted by the frequency in which they appeared.Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting that the ceremony was an absolute shit show, local grandmother Shirley Ingle could not believe Saturday that she’d hung on so long just to attend her granddaughter’s lame-ass wedding. “I fought so hard to stay alive and be here for this special day, but my God—this wedding fucking sucks,”…Read more...

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The White House is moving ahead on its plan to roll back the fuel economy mandate set by the Obama administration, likely resulting in more low-efficiency cars on the road. What do you think?Read more...

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PASADENA, CA—Claiming that their sexy new citrus strain demonstrates their commitment to exploring new once-forbidden horizons in the commercial fruit market, Sun Pacific unveiled Friday a new “Hotties” variety of voluptuous, shapely clementines. “At Sun Pacific, we know that our customers dream of sinking into a…Read more...

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VATICAN CITY—In a reversal of the Catholic Church’s longstanding doctrine, Pope Francis hastily condemned capital punishment Friday after Vatican police announced the discovery of significant new evidence related to a brutal 2014 stabbing death. “Capital punishment is an attack on the dignity of a person, and it is…Read more...

CHICAGO—Teasing that the Brooklyn-born actor was best known for his roles in Reservoir Dogs, Boardwalk Empire, and The Big Lebowski, sources confirmed Friday that a very special guest was rumored to appear later on in this article. This will reportedly mark the Hollywood legend’s first-ever foray into this paragraph,…Read more...

Democrats have introduced a bill that would require the 2030 census to ask about sexual orientation and gender identity to ensure the government gathers more robust data about LGBTQ individuals. What do you think?Read more...

The multiplayer online shooter game Fortnite has become a cultural phenomenon, with over 40 million players a month. The Onion presents a guide to everything you need to know about Fortnite.Read more...

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In recent days, President Donald Trump has increased his criticism of the media, and at a briefing Thursday, his press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, controversially refused to walk back his statements. Recognizing that unity in the journalistic profession is absolutely essential to allowing reporters to bravely…Read more...

The Ninth Circuit of Appeals has weighed in on a case brought to court by PETA, saying that Naruto, a Sulawesi macaque who took a viral selfie, cannot sue for the copyright to its own photo. What do you think?Read more...

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VATICAN CITY—In a historic admission of the Catholic church’s complicated and often shameful history, Pope Francis admitted in an informal public statement Thursday that “like, 97 percent” of Catholic leadership are “probably burning in hell right now.” “Believe me, contemporary Catholics are quite familiar with our…Read more...

PAWTUCKET, RI—In a move designed to capitalize on the company’s successful five-decade legacy of quality foam weaponry, representatives from Hasbro armaments subsidiary Nerf announced Thursday that they would be diversifying their line of dart, disc, and ball launchers to include actual firearms. “We cannot emphasize…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Following allegations that the school’s head football coach knew about domestic abuse accusations made against a former assistant in 2015 and then lied that he didn’t, Ohio State University officials reportedly announced Thursday that Urban Meyer had been put on paid secret coaching leave. “We’re taking…Read more...

JERUSALEM—In what is being regarded internationally as a powerful declaration of national purpose, Israel passed a binding resolution Thursday cementing itself as the exclusive nation-state of Benjamin Netanyahu. “Israel was created by and for Benjamin Netanyahu, and as a homeland for the Netanyahuan people,” said…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Flatly denying that he’s had any influence whatsoever over his team’s success, Cleveland Indians manager Terry Francona admitted Thursday that he was amazed people still think managing baseball was hard in any way. “If I’m being honest, there is really no strategy or skill involved at all—I could probably…Read more...

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Iconic game show host Alex Trebek revealed that he is considering leaving Jeopardy! by 2020, suggesting Alex Faust, the TV voice of the Los Angeles Kings, could be a fit to replace him. What do you think?Read more...

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The trial of former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort for bank fraud has begun, signaling the start of the next prosecutorial phase in Robert Mueller’s probe. What do you think?Read more...