The Onion

MUNCIE, IN—Shaking their heads in disgust at the irresponsible man’s laziness and lack of initiative, sources disclosed to reporters Monday that impoverished 53-year-old Luke Reilly has never earned passive income from stock dividends a day in his life. “It’s an absolute disgrace that there are people in this country…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a military acquisition officials are calling “so fucking badass,” the Pentagon announced Monday that they have allocated the $600,000 necessary to purchase the actual gun used by Al Pacino in the iconic 1983 film Scarface. “It may seem at first to be a disproportionate expenditure, but this gun is the…Read more...

A new survey found that the average player only completed 22 percent of the lengthy main storyline of Red Dead Redemption 2, suggesting that many video gamers are unable to find the time or motivation to finish such long campaigns. What do you think?Read more...

SUN CITY, AZ—Noticeably confused when his face lit up at the mere mention of her name, the Snyder family admitted Monday to being unsure as to exactly why Paul Swensen, the eldercare nurse employed as the caregiver to their grandmother Ruth, genuinely seems to enjoy spending time with her. “He talks and jokes with…Read more...

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MEDINA, WA—Standing on the roof of his towering estate as the tiny machines buzzed all around him, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly set loose hundreds of Prime Air drones Friday to hunt down and retrieve the nude photos of him obtained by the National Enquirer. “Take your army and bring them back to me!” cackled…Read more...

A major new study found that e-cigarettes are twice as effective as gum or patches in helping users quit smoking, with 18 percent of vapers being able to quit over a one-year period. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In response to a litany of high-profile trades and a general sense of dissatisfaction from many star players, NBA commissioner Adam Silver sent out a league-wide message Friday simply asking players “where the fuck [they] want to play basketball.” “Look, we’re just going to put all this bullshit to rest and…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Sending a strong signal that the move could swing his decision on where to sign, free agent outfielder Bryce Harper asked Friday whether the Philadelphia Phillies would be willing to relocate to another city. “I’m a big fan of coach [Gabe] Kapler and the roster he’s assembled, but I’d love to see the…Read more...

Federal climate experts announced this week that 2018, a year in which the U.S. experienced $91 billion in direct losses from weather disasters, was the fourth-hottest year on record. What do you think?Read more...

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Millennials are responsible for nearly half of the overall U.S. consumption of wine, but even as its popularity soars, many misconceptions about wine persist, from purchasing strategies, to pairings, to health benefits. The Onion debunks some of the common myths about wine.Read more...

CHICAGO—Observing how the pair had infused the entire establishment with a savage sexual energy, patrons of Belmont Karaoke Bar speculated Thursday that the couple performing a duet of “Suddenly Seymour” were probably going to fuck like animals immediately afterwards. “Oh, man, the chemistry between those two? No way…Read more...

PHOENIX—Screaming in alarm the moment she turned on her television, Cindy McCain reportedly dialed 911 Thursday and informed police she had seen a violent black woman attacking her daughter on the daytime talk show The View. “Please help! There is a black woman yelling and gesturing at my daughter, and I don’t know…Read more...

A new bill proposed by State Representative Richard Creagan (D) would increase the smoking age in Hawaii to 100, effectively banning smoking for most people in the state. What do you think?Read more...

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Using machine learning algorithms, MIT researchers successfully taught a robot how to play the board game Jenga. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Methodically piecing together yet another trail of mocking clues left behind by an unhinged killer, NYPD homicide detective Kyle Cartwright acknowledged Thursday that just once he would like to work a case without having to solve an elaborate riddle. “I joined homicide to help people, not because I relish the…Read more...

CHICAGO—Stepping off the curb and into the crosswalk, local man Adam Hartsell reportedly made sure to look up at the driver of an approaching vehicle Thursday to ensure they would feel extra guilty in the event they failed to stop and ran him over. “The goal of this split-second eye contact is to impress my image upon…Read more...

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the program will drastically cut wait times for those who qualify, the Transportation Security Administration on Thursday introduced an exclusive new pre-check membership that permits travelers who pass a background check and pay a fee to fly without waiting for an airplane. “For years, TSA…Read more...

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In this age of overindulgence, one student at Hillsborough Middle School has taken excess to a shocking new level: This hedonistic boy read all the weekly fun facts from his school planner in a single class.Read more...

In an address that ranged from calls for increased border security to a pledge to end the HIV epidemic, President Trump delivered the State of the Union Tuesday night. What do you think?Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Explaining that the offshoot group remained on the religion’s periphery due to their inflexible belief system, sources confirmed Wednesday that a fringe Catholic sect doesn’t tolerate child abuse. “While this splinter group considers themselves followers of Christ and his teachings, it’s important to note…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Confused and unsettled after an employee at the clothing retailer called her by her name, area woman Christine Forberg, 28, confirmed she had no memory of telling the dressing room attendant at a local Gap store who she was. “She unlocked a dressing room for me and said ‘Let me know if you need any other…Read more...

YORKSHIRE, ENGLAND—Lamenting the heedless manner in which you handled a most cherished accoutrement, sources opined Wednesday that Papa shall be so very cross you’ve lost Grandfather’s hunting cap. “Papa will simply throw a fit, a very conniption or temper, to learn that his own father’s homburg—as fine a specimen of…Read more...

ROCK ISLAND, IL—Explaining that his frequent visits to the creatures helped give him a much-needed sense of perspective in his old age, Louis Ross, 78, confirmed Wednesday that he fought feelings of loneliness by visiting the families of ducks at his local pond and savagely pelting them with rocks. “It’s so calm out…Read more...

On Feb. 10, the 61st Grammy Awards will honor some of the music industry’s most talented artists and many others. Here are The Onion’s picks for this year’s Grammy winners.Read more...

WALTHAM, MA—Providing new insights into the aesthetic implications of general inactivity among adults, a study published Monday at Brandeis University revealed that increasingly sedentary lifestyles, when combined with a decline in recreational exercise and a national diet trending ever higher in fats and starches,…Read more...

After the release of photos appearing to show Ralph Northam in blackface or a Ku Klux Klan hood, top Democrats, including Senator Chuck Schumer, have called on the Virginia governor to resign. What do you think?Read more...

MONTGOMERY, AL—Expressing their confusion about the exact thought process behind the designation, the Southern Poverty Law Center admitted Tuesday that they had no idea how the Dannon Yogurt company had gotten onto their annual list of hate groups. “We pride ourselves on maintaining an accurate list of organizations…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Shedding light on a possible key plot point of the upcoming film Avengers: Endgame, an emerging theory among fans of the Marvel franchise suggests the key to beating Thanos could be nothing, nothing at all, because he isn’t real and none of this exists, sources reported Tuesday. “They left plenty of Easter…Read more...

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BOSTON—With hundreds gathered in the street upon which the actor and filmmaker will collapse and never recover on a warm July night in 2044, city officials in Boston unveiled a new plaque Tuesday that marks the location where Ben Affleck is going to die. “As I look into this crowd, I see people who, in 25 years, five…Read more...

In a call to the principal chief of the Cherokee Nation, senator and presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren apologized for a DNA test she released in October suggesting she had Native American ancestry and reiterated that she is not a citizen of any tribal nation. What do you think?Read more...

SHANKSVILLE, PA—Declaring the 17-year project “a testament to the resilience of the human spirit,” Somerset County officials announced Tuesday that the reconstruction of the empty field destroyed by United Airlines Flight 93 has finally been completed. “America is all about never giving up, and I think visitors will…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Suggesting that the partnership would elevate the brand to new levels of cultural prominence, Adidas CEO Kasper Rørsted announced Monday that rapper Kanye West had agreed to become the new face of Yeezy. “We just feel Mr. West represents the values of this brand perfectly,” said Rørsted, adding that the…Read more...

After President Trump recognized the country’s opposition leader, contested Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro cautioned that any U.S. involvement could risk a crisis worse than Vietnam. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—With pressure mounting on members of the generation to step down amid accusations of racism, sources confirmed every baby boomer in the United States had been urged to resign Monday after images surfaced in which they can be seen wearing blackface makeup. “Although those photos do not represent who we are…Read more...

SEATTLE—Revealing that the victims’ deaths had come, like, completely out of nowhere, authorities confirmed Monday that seven total randos had been found dead. “All seven were discovered last night within a few miles of each other, leading investigators to just go, um, what?” said Police Chief Ware O’Malley, telling…Read more...

CLEVELAND—In a devastatingly sad overestimation of his influence in the professional world, local father Bruce Tenety, 54, expressed the heartbreaking belief Monday that his connections could help his son Justin, a recent college graduate, find a job. “You know, I actually have a friend in the media business, and if…Read more...

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Claiming their responsibility to protect the lives of visitors and employees outweighs any potential inconvenience, officials announced Monday that Yosemite National Park would be closed indefinitely following a confirmed black bear sighting in the park’s Hodgdon Meadow region. “We’ve made an…Read more...

THEONION.COM—Remarking with equal parts surprise and delight that of all the news stories in the world, you started reading this one, sources couldn’t help but wonder what a pretty little lady like you was doing hanging around an article like this. According to experts, you should probably just run along back to the…Read more...

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The U.S. has dropped from 16th to 22nd place in the Corruption Perceptions Index due to eroding norms and trust in its institutions, placing it ahead of the UAE and behind France. What do you think?Read more...

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