The Onion

MORRISTOWN, AZ—Pouring into the streets to celebrate the passing of the viral internet sensation, the entire world populace let out a cheer upon learning Grumpy Cat and her shitty attitude had finally died and would stay dead forever, sources confirmed Friday. “Thank God we don’t have to deal with that asshole cat and…Read more...

Author Michael Wolff has finished another document of the current White House administration titled Siege: Trump Under Fire, promising an equally “essential and explosive” account as its predecessor, Fire And Fury. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Saying their once-beloved viewers have lost much of their luster in recent years, Game Of Thrones showrunners D.B. Weiss and David Benioff acknowledged Friday they have been frustrated with the way fans of the HBO series have declined in quality over the past few seasons. “During the show’s first couple of…Read more...

NIMRUD, IRAQ—Popping open a bottle of champagne and dancing with a mummified corpse in celebration, Smithsonian Institution archeologist Dr. Kathleen Roberts confessed she was “excited as all hell” Thursday after “hitting the mass grave jackpot” in northern Iraq. “Booyah! I mean, seriously, fuck yeah—we’re rolling in…Read more...

Arizona Governor Doug Ducey signed a bill this week removing nunchucks from a list of prohibited weapons that includes bombs, gun silencers, and automatic firearms, saying they pose less of a threat than a baseball bat. What do you think?Read more...

VALENCIA, CA—Solemnly braving the 230-foot heights of the steel roller coaster while carrying bouquets of flowers, framed photographs, and personal letters, friends of recently deceased Jeff Brinkley placed a memorial at the exact spot on the Six Flags Viper ride Thursday where their companion met his untimely and…Read more...

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BURBANK, CA—Saying he wanted to thank the four-time NBA MVP for encouraging him to put his dangerous party days behind him, famed Looney Tunes star Bugs Bunny described Thursday how his friend LeBron James helped him get sober for their appearance together in the forthcoming Space Jam sequel.Read more...

The Alabama Senate approved a law effectively banning abortions without exception, setting up a fight that could decide the fate of Roe v. Wade. What do you think?Read more...

Fans have been eagerly looking forward to yesterday’s Nintendo Direct, and it was worth the wait. During the online presentation, Nintendo announced the beauty of a rose, the delicate splendor of each crimson petal, the poetry of its elegant stem.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Confirming recent reports of conditions approaching crisis levels, sources across the globe revealed Thursday that the situation continues to worsen in Venezuela, Bolivia, the United States, Japan, Mexico, Iraq, and Spain, in addition to South Sudan, India, Gabon, Indonesia, Vietnam, and Saudi Arabia. “What…Read more...

MONTGOMERY, AL—Quickening her pace as the vehicle flashed its brights, Alabama woman Alison Kyles, 29, reportedly hurried towards home Thursday after spotting a pickup truck full of Alabama lawmakers slowly following her. “At first, I thought I was just being paranoid when I saw that old Chevy full of state…Read more...

NEW YORK—In an effort to address the growing controversy surrounding widespread non-medical use of their products, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer released a statement Thursday categorically denying that packaging fentanyl with cooking spoons and lighters should be interpreted as an encouragement of drug abuse. “This…Read more...

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NEW YORK—In a press release heralding the latest addition to its masthead, The New York Times announced Thursday it had rehired Judith Miller to cover the Trump administration’s escalating tensions with Iran. “The experience Ms. Miller brings to bear is unmatched, and we’re confident and excited to welcome her back to…Read more...

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Internet researchers found that community-edited encyclopedia Wikipedia has been blocked in China, joining thousands of other websites that have been censored by the country’s Communist Party. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Hoping to ease the team into a new period of transition, Washington Nationals general manager Mike Rizzo took a moment Wednesday to introduce his players to their new stepmanager. “Everyone, this is Dale. You’re going to be seeing a lot more of him from now on, and I want you make him feel nice and…Read more...

Bandai America announced a revamped version of the Tamagotchi, updating the ’90s toy to give the electronic creatures the ability to breed and marry one another through a wireless connection. What do you think?Read more...

Many travel for the pleasures of sightseeing. Others to experience a different culture: its history, its art, its food. For me, the best part of a trip abroad is the folks you meet along the way. Whether it’s the impressionable backpacker willing to follow you into the dense jungles of Cambodia or the elderly tourist…Read more...

MONTGOMERY, AL—Conveying her concerns that the additional obstacles presented by parenthood would be too much to bear, 12-year-old abuse survivor Abigail Dunn was reportedly worried Wednesday that she wouldn’t be able to handle being a mom on top of everything else she had going on. “I have several book reports and a…Read more...

Weighted blankets have skyrocketed in popularity, with enthusiastic users touting their health benefits, but they may not be right for everyone. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of using a weighted blanket.Read more...

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Anthem fans, take notice: Electronic Arts just announced they’re rolling out a new revenue model for the game that involves deleting everyone’s characters unless they send the company $300 in the next hour.Read more...

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Wall Street suffered one of its worst days of 2019 after China raised tariffs on $60 billion worth of U.S. goods after President Trump followed through on threats to do so on $200 billion worth of Chinese goods. What do you think?Read more...

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Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin published a study predicting Chicago, Los Angeles, or Miami will most likely suffer the next measles outbreak due to lack of proper vaccinations. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Revealing a profound transformation of American socioeconomic attitudes, a new Gallup poll published Tuesday found that millennials were far more likely to politically identify as feudalists than previous generations. “Our survey showed that Americans born between 1981 and 1996, more so than any other age…Read more...

With E3 coming up in less than a month, it’s time to prepare yourself for three days of red-hot game announcements, trailers, and demos from some of the biggest names in video games. Are you ready, gamers? Here’s this year’s press conference schedule.

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Claiming he has “taken a good, long look” at houses, hospitals, churches, and other structures intended for human use or habitation, retail associate Arnold Drucker, 32, said Tuesday that since he has been in or near a great number of buildings, he assumes he would be a pretty good architect. “I mean,…Read more...

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YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Collectively rising up against the threat to their rust belt community, the citizens of Youngstown, a former steel and foundry center, were protesting Tuesday the construction of a truck stop that would obstruct views of the nearby state penitentiary. “That penitentiary has been the symbolic heart of…Read more...

Pope Francis announced a decree requiring priests and nuns to report incidents of abuse or cover-ups to church authorities, saying “the crimes of sexual abuse offend Our Lord […] and harm the community of the faithful.” What do you think?Read more...

Get ready, Pokémon fans, because we have some wonderful news for you: After years of requests from people all over the world, Nintendo announced today that they are finally adding a new grass-type Pokémon based on James Gandolfini in tribute to the late actor’s extraordinary career.Read more...

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BURBANK, CA—Facing a backlash over what is perhaps the show’s most confounding move to date, producers for ABC’s The Bachelorette attempted to fend off criticism Monday for its controversial decision to feature a 13-year-old girl in the titular role of the program’s latest season. “She may be a little younger than our…Read more...

After the Trump administration’s failure to comply with congressional requests, Speaker Nancy Pelosi warned that the United States was in a “constitutional crisis” and stressed that House Democrats might move to hold officials beyond William Barr in contempt of Congress. What do you think?Read more...

For some, summer means a time to take in the sunshine and bask in the beauty of nature. But for gamers, summer is the perfect chance to retreat into the air-conditioning and make some serious progress on your backlog of titles. Here are the top games that the guy dating Corey’s mom said he would buy for him this…Read more...

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We all know the gaming world can be tough for women. They are harassed and bullied, and good female characters are few and far between. Thankfully, feminist gamers finally have something to get excited about: The team behind Dead Or Alive 6 have taken a stand and given every one of the female characters in their game…Read more...

NEW BRITAIN, CT—In an attempt to proactively quash concerns among the brand’s diehard fans, Craftsman announced Monday that its newest line of hammers would indeed be backwards-compatible with previous generations of nails. “For anybody worried about whether their nails will still work with the new upgrades, have no…Read more...

MADISON, WI—Taking a moment to reflect on his hard-won personal accomplishment, area liberal Tom Hudson expressed relief Monday that he would never again have to engage in self-examination after finally assembling all the correct opinions. “It definitely wasn’t easy, but now that I have all the proper perspectives on…Read more...

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In a lengthy and impassioned editorial, Facebook cofounder Chris Hughes pressed for the U.S. government to regulate the social media giant in order to combat its monopolistic stranglehold on internet communication and lack of accountability. What do you think?Read more...

For the first time in his presidency, Donald Trump asserted executive privilege to prevent the release of redacted portions of Robert S. Mueller III’s report and other evidence from his investigation. What do you think?Read more...