The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Working at a clip only slightly faster than usual, a team of professional songwriters spent a half hour banging out a new song that will define local teenager Destiny Cibula’s personality for the next two years, sources reported Thursday. “All right, let’s wrap this one up and get to lunch,” a 47-year-old…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In response to the actress’s denial that the two had ever been romantically involved, musician Moby posted a long-range, blurry photo taken through a window to his Instagram page Thursday as proof that he is currently dating Natalie Portman. “Many people have taken umbrage with the characterization of the…Read more...

TABRIZ, IRAN—In a find of enormous significance for the international geological and anthropologic communities, a team of geologists has announced the discovery of a slab of amber containing a perfectly preserved Adam and Eve. “This is an incredible and singular find, as there are very few reliable records indicating…Read more...

SPRINGDALE, AR—Announcing that the winner would receive a year’s supply of their frozen poultry products killed in their method of choosing, Tyson Foods unveiled a contest Thursday to let fans submit new ideas for torturing chickens to death. “We know our fans love expressing themselves as much as they love chicken…Read more...

Japan has begun testing the ALFA-X, a next-generation bullet train with an aerodynamic nose capable of hitting a maximum speed of 248 mph, making it the fastest train of its type in the world. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Describing his process for bringing the assassin character to life, Keanu Reeves explained to reporters Thursday how he prepared for the title role in John Wick: Chapter 3—Parabellum by acting in the two previous John Wick movies. “I realized very early on in the development stages of John Wick 3 that the…Read more...

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Rage 2 is out now, giving gamers the chance to shoot, splatter, and slice our way through hordes of mutants on the path to saving the world. Excited? Then here are the Onion Gamers Network’s tips for braving the game’s dystopian wastelands.Read more...

ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to respect the privacy of the world-famous star, considerate Disney World guest Eric Daniels decided Thursday that, despite being a huge fan of Mickey Mouse’s movies and TV shows, he would not approach the anthropomorphic spokesrodent for a picture. “More than anything, I wanted to introduce…Read more...

Twenty-five employees have filed sexual harassment charges against McDonald’s, describing accusations of sexual harassment, lewd comments, and retaliation on the job. What do you think?Read more...

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CHICAGO—Though she has spent years learning to accept that she is a worthwhile person with a lot to offer, area 28-year-old Ashley Connell was reportedly forced to start completely from scratch in her attempts to cultivate self-love Wednesday upon seeing a photograph in which her nose looked a little bit weird. “Oh,…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Plunged into an abyss of forlorn longing by the sight of a days-old grease stain on his kitchen counter, local man Sean Richardson confessed Wednesday that he still chances across painful reminders of a long-gone but much-loved hoagie around his apartment. “God, I can’t take two steps in the kitchen…Read more...

After a lengthy rollout since its initial 2018 release, Red Dead Online finally exited beta last week, giving fans a reason to dive back into the game’s untamed Wild West alongside other cowboys. The open-world multiplayer definitely offers a vast and exciting frontier to explore, but it’s an experience that…Read more...

NEW YORK—Devoting thousands of words to what he called “one of the major issues facing Americans today,” New York Times op-ed writer David Brooks decried what he viewed as the incivility of modern plumbing Wednesday after tripping on his own feet and falling headfirst into a toilet. “I was struck recently by an…Read more...

Look at me, I’m flying!Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Declaring that they “wouldn’t want to be him right now,” teammates of unathletic outfielder Brett Golliver, son of Coach Bo, confirmed Wednesday that he was going to get fucking reamed out after the game for dropping a routine fly ball in the sixth inning. “Oh my God, it went right through his hands. That…Read more...

Noise-canceling headphones are increasingly popular, but many people think they’re not worth the purchase. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of buying noise-canceling headphones.Read more...

BOONVILLE, MO—Noting that his 28-year-old relative was apparently comfortable making his predilections known to the world at large, local account executive Conner Burke observed Wednesday that his cousin Bradley was “going all-in” on retweeting porn stars over the last few months. “When I started following him on…Read more...

Pop star Britney Spears may never perform again due to health and family issues, according to her longtime manager Larry Rudolph. What do you think?Read more...

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It makes sense that Square Enix has kept their Final Fantasy VII reimagining tightly under wraps. But with the recent “State Of Play” teaser trailer and a few key leaks, we’re finally hearing some details about this highly anticipated remake. Here’s what we know so far about the Final Fantasy VII remake.Read more...

After eight seasons of critically acclaimed high-fantasy drama, HBO’s Game Of Thrones capped off its final season this Sunday. What do you think?Read more...

HAMMOND, IN—Saying Dressbarn’s sudden closure had left her bereft of stylish-yet-modest clothing options, local mom Susan Bell reportedly guessed Tuesday that she’ll just have to go shop with all those sluts over at Chico’s now. “I hope I don’t catch the clap rubbing elbows with all those Chico’s tramps while I’m…Read more...

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Ever since Anthem was released in February, players have been slamming BioWare and EA because the repetitive gameplay and lackluster story fell well short of expectations. This is sadly in line with a disturbing trend in gaming, where players criticize developers based on their own ideal version of the game and not…Read more...

NORTHAMPTON, MA—In a deadly exercise of freedom that has already sparked nationwide debate, authorities confirmed Tuesday that freedom-wielding high school sophomore Langston Perry Shamet freedomed down 16 classmates in the latest in a series of mass freedomings. “This tragedy was a senseless act of freedom…Read more...

NEW ORLEANS—Claiming it would be an honor to follow in the footsteps of players like Chris Paul and Anthony Davis, Zion Williamson told reporters Tuesday that he’s excited to play for a team with a proven history of frittering away generational talents. “It will honestly be surreal to step on a court where such great…Read more...

The U.S. will soon be introduced to ruby chocolate, a slightly sour and sweet-flavored variation made from a special form of the cocoa berry found in the Ivory Coast and Brazil, thus giving the world’s largest chocolate market its first new chocolate type in 80 years. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Maintaining that the jewelry was absolutely essential in communicating trust and commitment to your partner, matrimony experts confirmed Tuesday that an adequate engagement ring should cost at least three diamond miners’ lives. “This tradition is still with us for good reason: A diamond is tangible proof that…Read more...

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In a first for U.S. cities, San Francisco banned all local agencies, such as law enforcement and transit authorities, from using facial recognition technology. What do you think?Read more...

BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND—Shedding light on the difficult process of believably portraying the Game Of Thrones villain the Night King, actor Vladimir Furdik opened up to reporters Monday about the creative challenge of playing a character with absolutely no purpose whatsoever. “The Night King was a very demanding role…Read more...

NEW YORK—Frustrated that two years of rigorous study have failed to yield any insight, relationship experts at Columbia University conceded Monday they have made no progress in determining what, exactly, Scarlett Johansson sees in her fiancé, Saturday Night Live star Colin Jost. “We’ve ruled out the possibility Ms.…Read more...

WAUKESHA, WI—In what witnesses are calling “nothing short of a miracle,” mother Anne Packer’s protective maternal survival instincts evidently prompted an explosive adrenaline release Friday when the mother lifted a heavy child from her car. “Once that woman realized how deep her kid was stuck in there, something…Read more...

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CHICAGO—His day blessed with a fresh new atmosphere of positivity and hope, former aspiring illustrator and current systems analyst Bryan Marsh, 29, walked with an extra spring in his step Monday after receiving the news that one of his classmates had moved back home and stopped pursuing her dreams. “Oh boy, oh boy!…Read more...

Sony made waves last month when chief architect Mike Cerny gave a first look at the specs for the next-gen successor to the PlayStation 4, making them the first to throw their hat in the ring for the next round of console wars. But all that excitement just fell by the wayside because today, in a major blow to Sony’s…Read more...

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Citing political turmoil across the globe and the grim realities of life on a planet facing a climate crisis, jaded local woman Kristen Sloane told reporters Monday that she knows better than to try to bring a tomato plant into a world like this one. “You take a look around yourself, see the way things…Read more...

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QUINCY, MA—Confirming that they have no intention of modifying the traditional uniform of their profession at any point in the foreseeable future, mathematics professors from across the country joined their voices Monday to reaffirm their commitment to wearing chinos with running shoes. “We believe that this singular…Read more...

The College Board announced it would take into account 15 factors that evaluate family income, social environments, and educational disparities in order to calculate an “adversity score” for SAT test takers to send to college admissions departments. What do you think?Read more...

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Jay Inslee, the governor of Washington and a 2020 Democratic presidential candidate, rolled out the second plank of his climate change plan, pledging to achieve carbon neutrality by 2045 and add 8 million jobs to the U.S. economy. What do you think?Read more...

There were more than 48 billion robocalls across the country in 2018, a nearly 50% increase from the previous year, continuing a frustrating practice that’s endured for decades. The Onion looks back at the history of robocalls.Read more...

NEW YORK—Cleaning house after a dispute over the direction the team has taken this offseason, New York Jets head coach and interim general manager Adam Gase announced plans Friday to play all 22 positions on the field next season after pushing out the entire roster. “Coach Gase felt that the franchise needed a fresh…Read more...