The Onion

WHAT REMAINS OF PHILADELPHIA—Turning the existing paradigm for gathering protein completely on its head, the greatest living tech genius of 2120 devised a revolutionary concept of utilizing a sharp stick to harvest termites roughly a century from Friday. “The one known to us as ‘Ka’ has disrupted the entire…Read more...

With more than one-fifth of American students speaking a language other than English at home, a number that continues to rise, there’s a growing case for bilingual education as a foundational component of the U.S. system; critics, however, maintain that it’s unnecessary. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of…Read more...

Well, gamers, what can we say; sometimes you just mess up. Yesterday, we published an article that betrayed all of our journalistic standards, a review that went against the very ideals that make OGN great. But after discovering the mistake, we are committed to making things right. That is why, after finding out we…Read more...

ATLANTA—In an effort to glean more information on the continuing epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly launched an investigation Friday as a third teen showed up dead after wandering into the mysterious cloud of vape mist that’s been spreading across the country. “It’s too early to…Read more...

LAVALLETTE, NJ—Expressing frustration at being subject to an endless barrage of requests, Academy Award-winning actor Joe Pesci told reporters Thursday that he was “completely sick” of fans asking to take a photo with him while blowtorching his scalp. “It’s gotten so bad that I can’t even go out to eat with my family…Read more...

The World Health Organization says there’s not enough evidence to suggest a human health risk from microplastics associated with biofilms in drinking water, suggesting concerns about the tiny particles may be premature, although additional research is needed. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—As a team of producers stood on the shore and begged her to reconsider, Kim Kardashian West reportedly rowed a boat out into the Pacific Ocean on Thursday in an attempt to escape Los Angeles, having discovered the past dozen years of her life have all been part of a television show.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Revamping its business model as it reportedly prepares to file for bankruptcy, retail fashion chain Forever 21 debuted a brand-new, multi-city ad campaign Thursday to remind teenage consumers that parents don’t notice if, every once in a while, a $20 bill goes missing from their wallet. “We’re refocusing…Read more...

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Even as the White House has discussed payroll tax cuts to stimulate the economy, the Congressional Budget Office found the U.S. deficit will reach $1 trillion next year due to Trump administration policies that largely favor the rich. What do you think?Read more...

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HOLLYWOOD—Revealing that the upcoming reboot would provide a chance to explore the darkest aspects of the iconic character, producers announced Wednesday that filming had begun on an even bleaker Joker movie featuring the comic book villain as an elderly man struggling to care for his wife after she has a stroke.…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Responding to criticisms of her recent condemnation of gun control, Meghan McCain took time during Wednesday’s episode of The View to passionately defend her right to own the dozens of firearms she has concealed in strategic locations throughout the show’s set. “It’s my constitutional right to protect myself…Read more...

According to the World Health Organization, declining vaccination rates have allowed measles to return to Albania, the Czech Republic, Greece, and the UK, four European nations that previously eradicated the illness. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Proclaiming that it was time to make sure all residents received equal protection under the law, Texas governor Greg Abbott reportedly signed off on an inclusive new bill Wednesday that prevents gun sellers from discriminating on the basis of background checks. “As a society, we’ve become more tolerant, and…Read more...

SHANGHAI, CHINA—In an effort to prevent players from falling into a tribalistic mindset, head coach Gregg Popovich invited Tim Duncan Wednesday to address Team USA on the dangers of hypernationalism. “We’ve been hitting the fundamentals of colonialism pretty hard in practice, but I think Tim brings a unique player’s…Read more...

PHOENIX—Based on a $3-million multi-decade study, a report released Wednesday by sociologists at Arizona State University found that the best indicator of a kickass party was still a pizza spinning on a turntable. “A stale, greasy pizza revolving on a turntable in place of a vinyl record remains the gold standard of…Read more...

NEW HAVEN, CT—In an effort to court non-firearm-owning Americans who have been unable to experience the feeling of riddling objects with lead projectiles, arms manufacturer Winchester released Wednesday a new 4.50-caliber bullet with which even non-gun owners can pelt their target. “We’re excited to offer all…Read more...

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From indie darlings and heady sci-fi adventures to sequels and reboots of classic franchises, the end of 2019 has no shortage of major titles to keep every kind of gamer busy. These are OGN’s most anticipated games being released this fall.Read more...

NASA is looking into claims that astronaut Anne McClain committed the first-ever space crime after improperly accessing her estranged wife’s private financial records while aboard the International Space Station. What do you think?Read more...

PORTLAND, ME—Moments after pushing his chair out from the table in resignation, local restaurant patron Joe Wright, who had previously thrown a wadded-up napkin into the center of his plate, announced Tuesday that he would come out of retirement for one last stab at his burger. “Although I signaled my retirement just…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Saying they were committed to objectively chronicling facts, information, and people, the nation’s nonfiction writers announced Monday their plan to keep writing down things that have already happened. “We are dedicated to learning about actual stuff that has taken place in real life and then jotting that…Read more...

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Today, Americans return from a three-day weekend dedicated to honoring the contributions of the labor movement to the United States. What did you do with your weekend?Read more...

Gamers, you’re definitely going to want to check this out: A beluga whale just beached itself on the Quebec shore and its stomach is absolutely packed with dozens of vintage N64 cartridges. We’re talking Goldeneye, Starfox 64, Paper Mario, F-Zero X, all available for free to any gamers willing to head to Hudson Bay…Read more...

CARY, NC—Clumsily slobbering over each other like ham-fisted amateurs, a pair of teenagers sighted making out in the park Monday had absolutely no idea what the hell they were doing, dismayed onlookers confirmed. “From what I can see, they’re just shoving fingers into each other’s half-open mouth while he laboriously…Read more...

SPARROWS POINT, MD—Informed by his manager that he would be let off with a warning this time, unconscious Amazon warehouse employee Anthony Cargill, 41, was reportedly chastised Monday for failing to file a time-off request. “We shouldn’t have to remind you that all warehouse employees are required to inform a…Read more...

NEW YORK—Noting that her name shall be unspoken from this moment until the end of the Earth, History decreed Tuesday that this very instance shall constitute its final mention of seamstress Florence Shadewell (1808-1872) who lived her life in the poorer environs of London, dying childless and unloved, without…Read more...

Looks like this is a rough week for all the Marth mains out there: Nintendo has finally done something about the longstanding complaints that he is too overpowered, but it appears they may have gone too far by giving him fibromyalgia, a chronic disorder that involves frequent musculoskeletal pain, fatigue, and…Read more...

Every major phone company in the country has partnered with the 50 states to address illegal robocalls through call-blocking and call-labeling technologies. What do you think?Read more...

Universal Pictures’ recent decision to shelve the film The Hunt in the face of protests from President Trump and others has put the spotlight on media and cultural censorship in America. The Onion takes a look at famous instances of censorship in U.S. History.Read more...

SEATTLE—Following an incident in which the employee was severely injured and rendered unconscious by a 30-foot fall from a ladder, horrified warehouse worker Paul Diaz awoke from heavily medicated sleep Friday to find Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos welding robotic limbs onto the stumps where his arms once were. “Not to worry,…Read more...

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SCHAUMBURG, IL—Noting that the little fucker must be in some seriously deep shit to be booking it like that, local man Albert Chu told reporters Friday that the centipede tearing ass across his floor must be really late for something. “I dunno if he slept through a meeting or if he forgot to pick up his centipede kids…Read more...

In a policy change that will remove an estimated 1.7 million pounds of plastic waste, Marriott International, the world’s largest hotel chain, announced that it plans to eliminate its small plastic shampoo, lotions, and soaps and replace them with larger reusable containers. What do you think?Read more...

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OAKLAND, CA—Stressing that the band had gone downhill since the days they came into existence, hardcore Weezer fan Nathan Staples told reporters Friday that he has hated everything the band released since their formation in 1992. “Yeah, frankly, I think they stopped being good right around the self-titled debut, and…Read more...

Big news, Battlefield fans! After months of speculation, EA made a splash this week when they revealed the next treacherous setting for the long-running franchise. According to an EA spokesperson, Battlefield will finally tackle one of the most brutal wars of all time by taking place in a middle-class family torn…Read more...

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The Taliban and the United States are “close” to a peace agreement in their talks that would see a gradual withdrawal of American forces and set the stage for establishing power-sharing with the Afghan government, according to a source at the talks. What do you think?Read more...

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—With Hurricane Dorian now expected to make landfall in Florida as a Category 4 storm, wildlife experts warned Thursday that the state’s wild Sea-Doos were at risk. “The vast majority of Florida’s native Sea-Doos mate and reproduce in low-lying coastal areas that could be ravaged by Dorian,” said…Read more...

As the brainchild of one of the industry’s leading minds, Hideo Kojima’s mysterious Death Stranding might be the must-have title of 2019. But in true Kojima fashion, with each newly released trailer, the game’s plotline and gameplay only get more mysterious. So let OGN break down everything you can possibly know about …Read more...

KENT, OH—As the musician on the screen lost his place and restarted for the third time, sources confirmed Thursday that YouTuber Ryan Prescott’s enthusiasm during his video tutorial on the guitar solo from Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning” was definitely flagging by the time he hit the 45-minute mark. “He was pretty…Read more...

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YOUR LOCATION—Noting that a complete scan of your memory storage had found spyware that could harm your data and compromise your privacy, a late-breaking report released Thursday confirmed that The Onion has detected a virus on your computer and the only way to make your personal computer safe for use was to download…Read more...

BREVARD COUNTY, FL—Trying to hold back laughter while explaining how the garments were knit out of “proprietary NASA materials that are specially optimized for zero gravity,” Buzz Aldrin was reportedly selling a pair of old gym socks for $500,000 to a complete sucker Thursday, assuring him that he “totally” wore them…Read more...