The Onion

CHICAGO—Irritated over a cascading series of issues with his living space, tenant Lucas Brown told reporters Monday that he was only five or six days away from sending a gently worded email to his landlord. “There’s only so much one person can take, and if I have to deal with a leaking ceiling and a busted toilet for…Read more...

MIAMI—Crediting general manager Ryan Pace for playing an instrumental role in advancing his career, Super Bowl champion Patrick Mahomes thanked the Chicago Bears Sunday for selecting Mitchell Trubisky instead of him in the 2017 NFL Draft. “I would’ve never had this opportunity to compete for a championship if I had…Read more...

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MIAMI—Pushing through the sidelines and causing a play to be called dead as he got in the official’s face, former NFL coach Mike Shanahan stormed onto Hard Rock Stadium field Sunday evening to berate the referees for a “bullshit” call that went against his son, 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan. “You son of a bitch, you’ve…Read more...

MIAMI—In an effort to get the word out that these were huggable guys in need of love and a good home, an adorable little Super Bowl was put on Sunday, encouraging fans to adopt previously abandoned and stray football players. “We just hope that by seeing all of our players out there, romping around and having fun,…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing disinterest in seeing a “watered-down” version of her previous concert, 49ers fan Ilan Gaddis told reporters he was bored during Sunday’s halftime show since he already watched Jennifer Lopez perform at his start-up company’s holiday party. “This is alright, I guess, but it really doesn’t…Read more...

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MIAMI—Taking a deep breath while gazing at the massive cheering crowd, Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Sammy Watkins reportedly stopped running in the middle of his route during Sunday’s Super Bowl so he could savor the special moment. “You work your whole life to get to this place, but you don’t always stop and…Read more...

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MIAMI—Throwing up his hands in frustration after yet another play where he failed to produce a sack, 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa expressed annoyance Sunday that every time he tried to rush the passer some guy ended up standing in his way. “What the hell? How am I supposed to get inside the pocket when there is some…Read more...

MECHANICSBURG, PA—Grabbing a beer and telling other party-goers that football is not really his thing, local man Walt Madison told partygoers Sunday that he was just here for the commercials instead of admitting that he had been desperate for any human company whatsoever. “I’m not super into sports, so it’s really…Read more...

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MIAMI—Calling the rule the most effective way to increase the speed and accuracy of security, the NFL implemented increased safety requirements Sunday that mandated all attendees of Super Bowl LIV wear clothes made from transparent plastic. “As a security precaution, no one will be admitted to the Hard Rock Stadium…Read more...

In an attempt to curtail the White House’s authority in matters of war, the House of Representatives voted to repeal the 2002 war authorization used by George W. Bush and subsequent administrations as justification for military strikes in a move that would require congressional approval before any action against Iran.…Read more...

Under mounting pressure from anti-gun activists, Walmart has announced that all locations will be restricting firearm purchases to customers who promise to use them at one of the retailer’s competitors.Read more...

With a death toll climbing to 180 in China and reported cases in dozens of other nations, World Health Organization officials declared the coronavirus a global health emergency in the hope of raising awareness about combating the rapidly-spreading epidemic. What do you think?Read more...

PLANO, TX—Citing an ongoing commitment to its community and the world at large, international snack food giant Frito-Lay held a major press conference Friday to announce plans to donate a party-size bag of regular, unflavored potato chips to the fight against global hunger. “As responsible corporate citizens, we…Read more...

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A Quinnipiac University poll found three-quarters of registered voters think witnesses should be allowed in the Senate impeachment trial, a finding that suggests both Republicans, Democrats, and independents oppose Mitch McConnell’s avoidance of such a motion, although respondents differed in which individuals they…Read more...

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In news that has resulted in Western nations recalling citizens and international businesses shuttering their China locations, the Wuhan coronavirus has reached over 6,000 cases, a level unseen since the SARS epidemic in 2002. What do you think?Read more...

The trial of Harvey Weinstein has been suspended indefinitely after the presiding judge booked a huge role in an upcoming Hollywood blockbuster. Hear how the judge was able to land his big break.Read more...

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KUWAIT—Recounting the ancient story of a group of traditional women going out and partying to reward themselves in Sumer’s nightlife district after a long day of weaving, an ancient Sumerian cuneiform tablet depicting the earliest known observance of Ladies’ Night was discovered Thursday by a team of archaeologists…Read more...

Man, have we got a head-scratcher for you, gamers. A few reporters here at Onion Gamers Network recently caught wind of this man dressed as Poliwhirl standing at the corner of Elm and 4th Street, which made us think there must be some kind of Pokémon convention in town. Here’s the thing though: We checked everywhere,…Read more...

The Congressional Budget Office projected the country’s deficit will eclipse $1 trillion in 2020, raising concerns of fiscal imbalances spurred by recent White House tax cuts that largely favored the wealthy. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Acting quickly to save his beloved creation, billionaire entrepreneur and engineer Elon Musk rushed to the aid of an overturned Tesla Model 3 Thursday that became immobilized on top of a 9-year-old child. “When I saw that poor helpless Tesla, with its segment-leading styling and advanced range, flipped…Read more...

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The strongest earthquake on record in the Caribbean has struck Jamaica and Cuba, resulting in building evacuations and potential injuries, although reporting has yet to confirm the fallout’s magnitude. What do you think?Read more...

The Democratic candidates are in Iowa this week, and they’re all vying for one big endorsement from an especially dreamy high school quarterback named Chad.

CHICAGO—In what is being hailed as a media revolution that will forever change the way society is informed of current events, reports confirmed Wednesday’s debut of The Topical, a daily news podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, has rendered the human eyeball completely obsolete. According to historians,…Read more...

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ORLANDO, FL—Expressing concern that previous work in the field had pushed their most popular cooking technique far beyond its limits, research scientists at Olive Garden announced Wednesday that their latest data indicated they are rapidly running out of foods to scampi. “We’ve done shrimp, chicken, pasta, spring…Read more...

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Any gamer worth their mettle has learned how to cope with disappointment. For every overhyped shooter that blows us away, there are a thousand Brute Forces or Daikatanas that teach us to never again trust an E3 presentation. But even with our tempered expectations, there are still some releases that leave us wincing…Read more...

SADDLE RIVER, NEW JERSEY—In a continuation of his alarming tendency to wander off as a result of his advanced dementia, grandfather of nine Cy Gottlieb, 85, was found hundreds of miles from home Wednesday when authorities discovered him wandering around the International Space Station. “We are happy to report that…Read more...

MALIBU, CA—Promising that he wouldn’t let outside distractions interfere like in the past, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers pledged Wednesday to dedicate his off-season to growing as a brand ambassador. “You know, we went far pretty this season, but we ultimately fell short of our sales goal and some of…Read more...

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Amidst a visit by current Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and his electoral opponent Benny Gantz, the Trump administration rolled out its long-awaited Middle East peace plan despite outcry that the plan received little input from Palestinian leaders. What do you think?Read more...

Providing a powerful piece of evidence in the case against President Trump, a new book by former National Security Advisor John Bolton contains the bombshell claim that the president personally tied foreign aid to Ukraine launching an investigation into former Vice President Biden. What do you think?Read more...

OXFORD—Shedding new light on the history of one of antiquity’s most renowned archives, researchers at Oxford University announced Thursday the discovery of new evidence suggesting that the Library of Alexandria was forced to kick out dozens of creepy old Romans for viewing pornographic images on abacuses. “Oxford…Read more...

Finding time in your schedule to work out can be difficult, which is why performing a few easy exercises at the office can be the perfect way for a busy person to stay in shape. For example, sneak in a low-impact training session during a weekly budget meeting by doing a few sets of lunges.Read more...

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SEATTLE—Repeatedly noting that they were just throwing the idea out there and not saying whether it was bad or good, the Seattle Mariners released a statement Tuesday offhandedly suggesting that the tainted World Series titles of the Astros and Red Sox could be awarded to them instead. “I know this is a tough,…Read more...

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ATHENS, GA—Saying he was torn over whether he could ethically support an artist who lacks a criminal record, local black-metal fan John Eaby told reporters Tuesday he was conflicted about listening to the band Hargenthoth, whose lead vocalist, Thorl Draugar, has never once been convicted of murder. “Seriously, how am…Read more...

Challenging the former vice president’s front-runner status, four recent polls show Senator Bernie Sanders leading the presidential race in both New Hampshire and Iowa, states that are considered potential keys to framing the trajectory of the eventual Democratic nomination. What do you think?Read more...