Man Breathes Sigh Of Relief As ‘Apple Recall’ Headline Just About Poisoned Fruit Shipped To 8 States
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4TE3W)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2026-06-13 05:03 |
by The Onion on (#4TDR5)
IRVING, TEXAS—Hailing the new gas stations as a “one-of-a-kind†refueling experience, ExxonMobil officials announced Wednesday that they had created a custom, eight-course gasoline tasting menu for luxury cars. “When vehicles pull up to one of our ExxonMobil prix fixe gas stations, they should feel like they are going…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4TDR6)
Following a campaign of pressure from Republicans in Congress, the House of Representatives will vote this week to formalize the procedure of its impeachment inquiry. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4TDR7)
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by The Onion on (#4TDR8)
THE HEAVENS—Shaking His head at what a troublemaker He once was, the Lord God, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, reportedly paused Wednesday to recall a youthful incident in which He dismembered and tortured an angel out of a mix of curiosity and sheer boredom. “I was always seeing if I could catch…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4TD01)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4TCNM)
ERIE, PA—Solemnly describing a game cut tragically short, local man Patrick Howard told reporters Tuesday that he remembers exactly where he was in Final Fantasy X when he heard about 9/11. “I was well into my third match of Blitzball when my roommate walked in and told me to change the channel,†said Howard, vividly…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4TCNN)
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the 48-year-old leader of ISIS, has been killed in a daring U.S. raid, the Trump Administration announced on Sunday, bringing an end to his nine-year reign of the brutal organization. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4TCBF)
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by The Onion on (#4TC0V)
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by The Onion on (#4TC0W)
The U.S. deficit grew $205 billion, or 26%, in the past fiscal year, soaring despite a sound economy due to spending increases and tax cuts for the wealthy. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4TC0X)
KANSAS CITY, MO—Inhaling deeply while suppressing the horror of what he witnessed earlier that day, exterminator Paul Young took a moment Tuesday to compose himself in the driveway so that his kids would not have to deal with the fact that he witnessed the death of a cricket at work. “This is my burden to bear, not…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4TC0Y)
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by The Onion on (#4TAXT)
AL-HOL, SYRIA—Amidst the shake-up following the sudden death of Islamic State caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, sources confirmed Monday that local ISIS fighter Youssef Khalil al-Noury found himself uncertain whom to contact to submit his request for personal time off. “I’ve really been looking forward to this vacation and…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4TAXV)
Eric Trump announced that the Trump Organization may sell its Washington D.C. hotel, which has earned the president $80 million in revenue since taking office. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The O on (#4TAME)
Listen up gamers, because boy do we have a deal for you! Starting today, you can save $60 just by exhibiting some fiscal responsibility for once in your life and not buying the new Call Of Duty game. That’s right! If you muster up just a teensy bit of restraint, you’ll be able to pocket $60 and start working your way…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4TA9Z)
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by The Onion on (#4TAA0)
OMAHA, NE—Demonstrating intellectual ability far surpassing any other member of its species, H4B3447, the greatest genius in cow history, has been killed, butchered, packaged, and eaten, agricultural sources confirmed Monday. According to those familiar with the animal, H4B3447 demonstrated problem-solving and…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4TAA1)
The World Health Organization announced this week that Type 3 polio has been eradicated, making it the second out of three types of the devastating infectious disease to be wiped out and paving the way for the final form of the disease to be eliminated in Afghanistan and Pakistan, where it continues to circulate. What…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4TAA3)
LOS ANGELES—Visibly annoyed after his auction closed with a winning bid far below his expectations, actor Matt Damon begrudgingly accepted $50 Monday from the eBay auction of his cast and crew jacket from the sci-fi thriller The Martian. “I sort of don’t want to part with my only memento from my time on that set, but…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4T943)
BUFFALO—Bragging about his own hardcore dedication to being removed from sports facilities, local fan Rob Henderson reportedly questioned Sunday how his acquaintance Derek Shaw could possibly call himself a fan of the Buffalo Bills if he had never been banned from entering New Era Field. “Listen, I’ve been banned from…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4T944)
PHILADELPHIA—Repeatedly pointing out that the 71-year-old former player was only good when it did not count, local dad Jim Paulson reported Sunday that the old guy being honored on the field always choked in the playoffs. “People are acting like he was some all-time great; he was decent, but he always lost steam…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4T740)
EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,†said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4T741)
Trump is urging all federal agencies to cancel their subscriptions to The New York Times and The Washington Post, calling the former a “fake newspaper†and saying “we don’t even want it in the White House anymore.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4T6V8)
ROME—In an effort to provide a striking visual to drive home the severity of both venial and mortal transgressions, Pope Francis made a demonstration of the dangers of sin to his flock Friday by revealing a cross-section of a soul that had been blackened and desiccated by wickedness. “I know the idea of ‘sin’ in and…Read more...
by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by The Onion to The on (#4T6V9)
We found this mouth crawling around our office and it is extremely annoying. If this is your mouth, please come pick it up. We have no use for it here.
by The Onion on (#4T6FW)
SAN FRANCISCO—With blazes engulfing Sonoma County and smoke-filled skies blanketing much of the Bay Area, officials in California announced Friday they would attempt to mitigate any further spread of wildfires with a mandatory shutoff of oxygen to thousands of the state’s residents. “In order to eliminate factors that…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4T6FX)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4T6FY)
POUGHQUAG, NY—Completely ignoring the fruit’s coloring and texture, local dumbass Luke Jordan reportedly opted for an overripe McIntosh Red when picking apples Friday, even though a Pink Lady was clearly the best variety available given the region’s topography and the lateness of the harvest season. “God, what a…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4T669)
EL PASO, TX—Working feverishly to cover up all evidence of their unsupervised week, a group of hapless teens raced against the clock Friday to clean up the mess from their homicide before their vacationing parents returned. “Shit, shit, shit, if my parents get back and see all the blood and bone flecks all over their…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4T66A)
Revealing rodents may possess more adaptable brains than previously believed, University of Richmond scientists have taught rats to drive a tiny car using steerable metal bars to retrieve Froot Loop cereal pieces. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The O on (#4T66B)
We can all agree that Blizzard messed up by banning popular Hearthstone player Blitzchung from competition due to his pro-Hong Kong comments. Thankfully, they’re making up for their mistake with a totally epic move: When the next Overwatch update hits, the developers will modify every spawn room in the Lijiang Tower…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4T66C)
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Taken aback by the plump feline’s quite extraordinary nature, sources confirmed Friday that a cat on the internet named Pancake has a girth that one might say is unusual among his species. “Quite peculiar, this feline appears to have proportions far beyond that of the cats I usually encounter,†said…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4T66D)
Fewer than half of Americans get flu shots every year, believing that they’re not necessary or can cause side effects that make them not worth it. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of getting a flu shot.Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4T5GE)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4T5GF)
DENVER—In an outpouring of support for the star, worried fans of Charlize Theron confirmed Thursday they had raised $3.5 million for what must be very substantial hospital bills after seeing the actress in a recent TV spot for Budweiser. “It’s really hard watching a talented person undergo something as humiliating as…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4T5GG)
LOS ANGELES—Seemingly confirming numerous fan theories about the ultimate direction of the popular show, a new trailer for HBO’s flagship drama series Westworld released Thursday teased the arrival of long-awaited dramatic stakes. “Producers have been laying the groundwork for high-intensity drama since practically…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4T5GH)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Hailing the discovery as one that would undoubtedly change the medical field forever, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Thursday that they had made a breakthrough on marionette strings that had allowed a paralyzed man to walk. “While our subject had incurred severe damage…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4T5GJ)
The anonymous high-ranking White House official responsible for a New York Times opinion article about a resistance within the Trump administration has written a new book about the president titled A Warning that will be published next month with plans to donate a “substantial portion†of revenues to pro-press…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4T5GK)
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by The Onion on (#4SMJ2)
After an outcry from players for a move widely perceived as bowing to Chinese censorship, Blizzard Entertainment has decreased the ban of Heathstone player Blitzchung from 12 months to 6 months and allowed him to keep the $10,000 in winnings of which he had initially been stripped. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4SMJ3)
PITTSFIELD, IL—Questioning exactly how the marsupial even made its way to such a small roadside attraction, local father Kyle Conrad, 43, confirmed Tuesday that a kangaroo at the Sherman Farm’s Petting Zoo could not possibly be a good thing. “Man, there’s no way that a kangaroo should just be sitting in a dirty pen at…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4SMD3)
NEW YORK—Hoping that it was just a matter of time for some sort of scandal to draw attention away from the recent controversy with China, sources reported Tuesday that NBA commissioner Adam Silver is waiting quietly for the NFL to fuck up and take some heat off. “I’m sure they have some domestic abuse allegations out…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4SM7X)
LITTLE ROCK, AR—Reassuring the man that he would receive an immediate response to his emergency, a 911 operator reportedly informed local black caller Jerry Wardell Tuesday that death was on the way. “Thank you for calling 911, please sit tight and don’t worry, first responders will be there to end your life shortly,â€â€¦Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4SM2A)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4SKWC)
BRANSON, MO—Questioning the motivation and financial wisdom of the recent investment on the part of Blessed Hope Lutheran, parishioners and concerned locals alike confirmed Tuesday that a new, state-of-the-art PA system was “completely squandered†on the church. “Everyone knows that the singing here is nothing to…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4SKWD)
Research published in Circulation: Cardiovascular Quality And Outcomes found that dog owners who suffered a stroke or heart attack had a roughly 30% lower chance of death than those without dogs. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4SKMY)
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