The Onion

MENLO PARK, CA—Calling the update “critical” for the security of its billions of users, Facebook unveiled a new Terms Of Service contract Tuesday that included compulsory conscription into Mark Zuckerberg’s upcoming war against the U.S. government. “By continuing to use Facebook, you hereby agree to serve as a loyal…Read more...

The House Intelligence Committee issued a subpoena to Trump’s personal attorney Rudy Giuliani, requiring him to turn over all documents related to his communications with Ukraine. What do you think?Read more...

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BOSTON—Saying everything could be made a whole lot simpler with even a few halfway reasonable dietary choices, top U.S. nutritionists announced Tuesday they wouldn’t have to spend all their time figuring out which foods were bad for you if the nation would just try eating normal for once. “It’s really not that…Read more...

Ever since Gears 5 was released in early September, it’s been stunning critics and fans alike with its astounding graphics, compelling characters, and rich storytelling. Well, it looks like the developers at The Coalition have a few more tricks up their sleeves, because OGN just stumbled onto a secret, alternate…Read more...

TOPEKA, KS—After spending decades focused solely on his career and then retirement, local 70-year-old man Dennis Lambert was reportedly worried Tuesday that he was running out of time to have kids. “My biological clock is ticking, and I’m concerned there won’t be many more opportunities to start a family,” said…Read more...

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Lauding the team for making necessary sacrifices for the greater cause, New England head coach Bill Belichick praised the 2019 Patriots Tuesday for their discipline and dedication in building the device. “This a driven team—they’re working day in and day out, putting it all together, always aware that…Read more...

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ARLINGTON, VA—In response to a recent spate of incidents in which the specially trained canines became far too impaired to perform law enforcement duties, the Transportation Security Administration announced plans Tuesday to phase out glue-sniffing dogs. “Upon exhaustive internal review of extensive and sometimes…Read more...

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VENICE, ITALY—Saying he can tell from the way she’s been looking at him that she clearly expects him to pop the question, local man Dwayne Moyer told reporters Friday he feels pressure to propose to his girlfriend, Samantha Firks, after dating her for three years, buying her a ring, and getting down on one knee. “Man,…Read more...

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AMERICA CITY, KS—As he peered out the window of his family’s Dodge Caravan and spotted the animal right in the middle of a pasture where nobody could miss it, 2-year-old Owen Kincaid reportedly pointed out a cow to his parents Monday, acting as if they don’t have eyes in their fucking heads. “Cow!” said Kincaid, who,…Read more...

Following the announcement that the House would be initiating an impeachment inquiry, support for starting impeachment proceedings against President Trump grew among Americans from 36% to 43%, suggesting that the nation may be amenable to the process moving forward. What do you think?Read more...

ARCADIA, CA—After the death of 3-year-old colt Emtech this weekend marked the racetrack’s 32nd equine fatality of the year, investigators stated Monday that the unusual mortality rate at Santa Anita Park could potentially be the work of a horse serial killer. “After examining hoofprints at the crime scene and pulling…Read more...

RIO RANCHO, NM—Feeling comforted by the news that the scandalous and illicit affair eventually amounted to something, school district sources noted Monday that, well, at least high school teacher Lisa Calloway, 52, and her former student Dennis Wilkes, 32, had married. “It was definitely fucked up that Ms. Calloway…Read more...

If you’ve been dying to play Pokémon: Let’s Go Pikachu but have been holding off because of the price tag, we’ve got a deal you’re definitely going to want to check out: Your parents are giving away a new copy of the popular Switch game if you can make it through all of Rosh Hashanah this year without biting anyone.Read more...

ROCKPORT, ME—Asking everyone to open their books while she honed in on the students who looked the most nervous, underprepared second-grade teacher Judy Fabacher confirmed Monday that she’d really been leaning on her class’s slow readers to eat up some clock. “Alright, we have 20 more minutes before you get to go to…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she had been extremely flaky since meeting her new boyfriend in an enchanted forest, a local group of twentysomethings expressed annoyance Monday that they never see Melissa anymore now that she’s dating a guy who keeps her locked away in a chamber at the top of the tallest tower. “Honestly, it…Read more...

CHICAGO—Saying the loud, unwelcome voice in her head had actually made some very good points about just doing it already, local woman Jenny Fabela told reporters Monday that an intrusive thought laid out a very compelling argument for taking her clothes off in a public park. “You know, at first, I wasn’t on board, but…Read more...

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McDonald’s announced today that it will be running a 12-week limited test of the P.L.T. sandwich, a plant-based variation on a McDonald’s burger developed exclusively in tandem with Beyond Meat to replicate the franchise’s iconic taste. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Promising customers unlimited access and the most up-to-date information on anonymous sources, The New York Times announced Friday an offer to disclose the whistleblower’s identity to readers who subscribe within the next 24 hours. “We’ll give you the whistleblower’s name, home address, occupation, and voting…Read more...

Stressing that he “opened a Pandora’s box and released a Frankenstein’s monster” with the novel breed, Wally Conron, the maker of the Labradoodle, expressed regret for ever creating the mop-headed dog, citing its frequent health problems and saying that it had “veered far from his original purpose in mixing a Labrador…Read more...

GAINESVILLE, FL—Calling the condiment-based attraction the perfect way to cool off on a hot day, company representatives revealed Friday that Hellmann’s new theme park would feature the world’s longest lazy mayo river. “Experience the thrilling Tarter Tunnel and the heart-stopping Dijonaise Drop before taking a spin…Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Spraying down the traumatized players who were standing in puddles of their own excrement, Chicago Cubs pitching coach Tommy Hottovy was forced to clean up a group of trembling, piss-covered pitchers Friday after leaving them locked inside the bullpen all day. “God, I feel so bad that they were trapped in…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—As Tom Cruise rested on a window ledge 300 feet in the air and took a sip of water Friday, onlookers remarked that the 57-year-old actor was really showing his age by taking a break midway through his scaling of One America Plaza. “It’s tough to watch how winded he gets nowadays, especially after he gets…Read more...

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Extreme gentrification is on the rise in many U.S. cities, as poorer residents are pushed out by wealthier ones, with significant impact on income inequality, housing, and many other factors, but the process by which it happens may seem unclear. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how gentrification works.Read more...

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Reuniting the cast of the beloved original Jurassic Park, Sam Neill, Laura Dern, and Jeff Goldblum will return for a third film, director Colin Trevorrow confirmed at a press conference this week. What do you think?Read more...

SiriusXM announced on Wednesday that former United States senator Al Franken will host a weekly left-wing talk program, “The Al Franken Show,” in which he will address current news alongside a range of comedic and political guests. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Touting the product as the easiest way for DIY-ers to seriously injure themselves, Home Depot introduced a new 100-pound bag of mulch Thursday for fucking up your back in the garden section. “Made from all-natural organic materials, our new too-heavy bag of mulch is perfect for absolutely destroying your spine…Read more...

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Following the debut of the inclusive “Creatable World” line of toys, Mattel attempted to preempt backlash over their gender-neutral dolls Thursday by releasing the highly anticipated “Covered In Genitals” Barbie. “In the spirit of inclusivity, we thought it was important to give parents concerned about…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Informing her client that it would require very little effort on his part to book the high-profile gig, Sean Spicer’s agent reportedly told the former press secretary Thursday that if he referred to Trump’s recent conduct as “troubling,” she could probably get him on the next season of American Ninja…Read more...

CHICAGO—A week after a dog breeder apologized for having ever crossed a Labrador retriever with a poodle, reports of golden, fur-filled explosions emerged Thursday as the regretful creator of labradoodles activated a self-destruct sequence he programmed into their DNA decades ago. “This is the only way I can make…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Relishing the opportunity to commemorate one of American history’s most important political pillars, families visiting Washington, D.C. told reporters Thursday that they were impressed by the statue honoring the nation’s first obelisk president. “Wow, it’s so tall, thin, and pointy—it almost feels like he’s…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Assuring citizens that catastrophe survival can be as easy as locking their feeble-bodied relatives in the basement and throwing away the key, emergency management officials recommended Thursday that families devise plans to ditch their weakest in the event of a disaster. “Most Americans know to instantly…Read more...

Yielding to employee demands and significant activism campaigns, Amazon announced climate goals that will see it rapidly decarbonizing, buying 100,000 electric delivery vehicles, and putting in place independent monitoring mechanisms, although some climate advocates have criticized it for failing to sever ties with…Read more...

EVANSVILLE, IN—Reporting that the suspected arsonist has thus far claimed the lives of 23 sinners whose wretched souls will no longer harbor evil, law enforcement officials announced Thursday that they are still seeking the individual responsible for cleansing more than 40 buildings in the city’s business district…Read more...

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SAN FRANCISCO—Hailing the product as a huge step forward in health monitor technology, representatives from Fitbit held a product-reveal event today at which shareholders were shown a new fitness tracker capable of monitoring the amount of exercise the wearer watches on television. “Using the latest in optical nerve…Read more...

Yielding to calls for him to provide transparency on the issue, President Trump authorized the release of a memorandum describing a phone call in which he called for Ukraine to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—In an effort to prevent unnecessary injuries to some of the game’s biggest stars, representatives for the NFL reaffirmed its commitment to player safety Wednesday by eliminating the quarterback position from starting lineups. “We expect some blowback from fans who say you can’t have football without a…Read more...

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced yesterday a formal impeachment inquiry into President Trump following reports that he may have withheld military aid to Ukraine in order to force their hand in investigating Joe Biden’s debunked charges. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES— In response to a multi-platform blitz including TV, online, print, and radio advertisements, cosmetic-injection giant Botox was forced to apologize Wednesday for their recent ad campaign specifically targeting 15-year-old actress Millie Bobby Brown. “Botox and the entire Allergan family sincerely express…Read more...

Naughty Dog’s The Last of Us Part II might be the most anticipated game of this generation, and with their latest State of Play, Sony pulled the cover off it in a big way. Here’s everything we learned about the upcoming blockbuster from yesterday’s media event.Read more...