The Onion

BEIJING—In the wake of criticism over their video monitoring and digital tracking of civilians, Chinese government officials defended their move toward mass surveillance Thursday by explaining that life was a grand performance, a ballet of sorts, that they were privileged to bear witness to. “Each of our citizens is a…Read more...

Amidst mixed reviews and mounting hype, Star Wars fans will line up this weekend to see Rise of the Skywalker, the ninth installment of the sci-fi series. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Stunned into silence after reading through thousands of highly critical comments about the new film, James Darnell, the CG supervisor for Cats, spoke up quietly Thursday to note that he thought he actually did an okay job. “Honestly, I think the end result didn’t turn out so bad at all,” said Darnell,…Read more...

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NEW CASTLE, DE—Noting that it had become way more noticeable in her hips and chin lately, local body-positive male ally Jason Isakson was reportedly worried Thursday that his girlfriend has been packing on the beauty lately. “Ashley has been really stressed out recently, and I fear that there may be more of her to…Read more...

This motherfucker honestly thought we were just going to sit quietly and complete a worksheet on binomials. God, the hubris.Read more...

SKOKIE, IL—Expressing ambivalence toward the relatively balanced appraisal of the film, Star Wars fan Miles Ariely admitted Thursday that an online publication’s middling review of The Rise Of Skywalker had left him on the fence about whether he would still threaten to kill the critic who wrote it. “I’m really of two…Read more...

You didn’t go inside or offer any indication that you were even considering adopting an animal right now, so this one is 100% on the dog.Read more...

When the Starbucks barista asked if we could spell our name for her, you bet we pounced to say that at least it’s not as hard to spell as “anemone,” of which the Monterey Bay Aquarium has six varieties.Read more...

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In a historic rebuke to the White House’s misconduct, the House of Representatives voted to impeach the president on charges of abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, invoking the power for only the third time in American history. What do you think?Read more...

While speaking at an event in Singapore, former President Obama argued that if women ran every country in the world, there would be a general improvement in living standards and outcomes, and that women are “indisputably” better than men. What do you think?Read more...

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Recycling has been practiced for most of human history, and over the last several decades, it has become a cornerstone in the fight against environmental degradation, but many myths about it persist. The Onion debunks common myths about recycling.Read more...

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Lashing out over frustrations concerning the impeachment process, the president sent a rambling letter to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi calling Democrats “deranged” and accusing them of bringing to life the worst fears of the Founding Fathers. What do you think?Read more...

LOUISVILLE, KY—Wondering if the woman had any idea how normal interactions like this are supposed to work, employees at Humana Insurance were becoming annoyed Wednesday with a customer who did not seem to realize that offers to pay for healthcare were just supposed to be a polite gesture. “Offering to cover 80% of…Read more...

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ANN ARBOR—Contradicting long-standing beliefs about the once frowned-upon practice, a study released Tuesday by psychologists at the University of Michigan found that comparing yourself to others is actually an effective way to gauge success. “While we did not study the effects that comparing yourself to others may…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Explaining that he doesn’t want the presence of the buildings to distract from the film’s core message of hope and friendship, director Paul Greengrass announced Wednesday a remastered edition of United 93 that will have the World Trade Center digitally removed. “In order to avoid forcing people to relive…Read more...

Citing family responsibilities and scheduling conflicts, Chicago-based musician Chance the Rapper canceled his 2020 tour while announcing plans to spend time to develop new music. What do you think?Read more...

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Appearing seemingly out of nowhere as he clutched the neatly wrapped box to his chest, area man Greg Fleming had a little present for you, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I got you a present,” said 36-year-old Fleming, who noted that it was completely fine if you didn’t have a present to give him in return…Read more...

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In a major piece of health care reform, Congress looks poised to pass legislation that would ban sales of tobacco to anyone under the age of 21 to help combat the teenage vaping epidemic. What do you think?Read more...

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Poll: 1 In 5 Americans Believe Obama A CactusRead more...

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DALLAS, CO—Revealing that not a single favorable attribute had emerged organically from his own personality, all of area man Spencer Lindell’s positive qualities were stolen from past friends, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I legitimately don’t think there’s a single good characteristic Spencer has that he didn’t pluck…Read more...

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ULTRA-TOPEKA, KS—Holding his hand over the USB port implanted below his left ear, local Luddite Thomas Berkshire reportedly refused to merge consciousness Tuesday with his new self-driving 2070 Hyundai Elantra. “Uh oh, big scary technology is gonna steal Thomas’s very essence if he plugs in his brain stem to the car’s…Read more...

GLEN FALLS, NY—Revealing that her lousy peers’ advice had been invaluable, aspiring novelist Alicia Duncan confirmed Tuesday that the writer’s retreat she’s attending provides a great opportunity to receive critical feedback from other nobodies. “It’s been incredible to spend the week getting diverse perspectives on…Read more...

When Stephen Hawking passed away almost three years ago, he left behind a legacy of revolutionary thinking in astrophysics and a life story that would inspire pretty much anyone. But according to a recent statement from the Stephen Hawking Foundation, there’s one way the genius’s legacy was also sadly incomplete: He…Read more...

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In an attempt to offer debate viewers a more robust field of options, eight Democratic candidates joined Senator Cory Booker in asking the Democratic National Committee to ease qualification requirements for upcoming presidential debates from which he and other candidates would be excluded. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—His hands shaking a bit as he slowly unbuttoned his shirt, director Clint Eastwood reportedly propositioned Susan Parker of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution Monday, offering to sleep with the critic in exchange for a more favorable review of his latest film, Richard Jewell. “Just sweeten it up a little, make…Read more...

MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Making the momentous announcement before gathered laity and priests from the Tibetan Buddhist community, Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama, revealed Monday that before reincarnating his spirit would fly to the moon so he can hang out there for a bit. “After my passing, I plan for my essence to…Read more...

NEW YORK—Appearing distraught over what he described as a lack of appreciation for his many contributions, disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein lamented to reporters Monday that no one seemed to respect everything he did to put the whole #MeToo movement on the map. “Think about it—they’d be absolutely nowhere if…Read more...

United Nations climate talks ended early Sunday in Madrid with modest agreement that fell far short of the commitments and enforcement mechanisms needed to forestall the worst effects of climate change, raising the stakes for next year’s crucial conference in Glasgow. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Saying that He would only be gone for an hour or two, the Divine Creator of the Universe, God, announced Monday that he was leaving humanity in the hands of babysitter Kayla Beckler while he checks out a new restaurant. “Kayla has my number in case anything happens, but I’m sure she’ll take good care of…Read more...

After two absolutely stellar remakes of the Resident Evil franchise, Capcom just announced they plan to gratify the series fans with an updated, remastered edition of Resident Evil 3. Here’s everything you need to know about the upcoming survival horror release.Read more...

NEW ORLEANS—Worried that he would be forced to feign a smile and halfheartedly thank everyone, Saints quarterback Drew Brees told reporters Monday night he hopes his family doesn’t just get him a football for Christmas again. “I appreciate the thought, but nobody seems to realize that I have other interests beyond…Read more...

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BILOXI, AL—Stressing that he was both a pitiful excuse for masculinity and an utterly spineless little worm, reports confirmed Monday that Kevin Chinowski was a pathetic man who cries when upset rather than simply screaming at his 3-year-old son to shut the fuck up. “Jesus, what kind of shriveled husk of manhood lets…Read more...

Town Hag Getting In Pretty Good Day Of Shaking Jangly Bell-Covered Stick While Pointing And Screaming ‘You Will Die!’Read more...

In a move likely to infuriate the Turkish government, the Senate passed a bipartisan resolution led by Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Bob Menendez (D-NJ) recognizing the Armenian Genocide that began more than a century ago, with Cruz stating that the resolution was “an achievement for truth, an achievement for speaking the truth…Read more...

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