The Onion

GAINESVILLE, FL—Urging women to always have a safety plan, experts recommended Monday shouting ‘Free donuts’ instead of ‘Rape’ to receive help more quickly during an assault. “People are generally afraid to involve themselves in a physical attack, so if you’re being assaulted, screaming that you’re giving away…Read more...

A Chinese Communist Youth League channel has launched on the adult video website PornHub featuring internet users criticizing pro-democracy demonstration in Hong Kong after more mainstream outlets banned the propaganda videos. What do you think?Read more...

PASADENA, TX—Frantically scanning the rug below her web, a panicked local spider confirmed Monday that she had completely lost track of a human she had noticed scurrying across the floor. “Oh, God. Where is that thing? I looked away for one second and it disappeared,” said the spider, searching along the baseboards…Read more...

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OAKLAND, CA—Midway through her performance of a down-tempo number she described as “sort of pop-y and languid,” Beach House lead vocalist Victoria Legrand reported Friday that it was not at all clear which Beach House song the band is currently playing before a sold-out crowd at the Fox Theater. “It has a lot of…Read more...

In a notable escalation of the House Minority Leader’s rhetoric, Nancy Pelosi suggested President Trump committed bribery in his dealings with the Ukrainian president, an impeachable offense as outlined in Article II of the Constitution. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Apologizing for laying down the ruling in haste without examining all the evidence, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell rescinded Myles Garrett’s suspension for attacking Steelers quarterback Mason Rudolph with a helmet Friday after review footage clearly showed Rudolph’s punchable fucking face. “This was my…Read more...

ATLANTA—Responding to concerns that the 32-year-old had spent too much time away from the game, representatives for Colin Kaepernick assured NFL teams Friday that his CTE has progressed just as much as other players over his three-year hiatus. “We know teams are worried about how NFL ready he is after that much time…Read more...

The newest Star Wars game is finally here, and we’ve got all the absolute best lines of praise that Electronic Arts suggested we use in a press package containing the game, a media kit, and a strongly worded letter insisting that we keep these bullet points in mind during our review, implying that our relationship…Read more...

ST. LOUIS—With student-to-teacher ratios beginning to approach a more manageable level, sources confirmed Friday that a highly infectious strain of the flu sweeping through Washington Middle School this month has reduced class sizes to the point that learning is now feasible. “With this terrible illness forcing so…Read more...

If you’re an Xbox fanboy who was salivating over what the next gen could offer, you might want to sit down because we have disappointing news coming from the X019 press event: Microsoft just confirmed that Project Scarlett is actually just an expansive brothel they’re constructing in Thailand where Xboxes can go to be…Read more...

NEW YORK—In news that took the nation completely by surprise, some company called Scampr already lost $12.5 billion at launch and has gone bankrupt, sources confirmed Friday. “Huh, I guess they were in new media and it looks like they just completely went under,” said sources glancing at an article about the…Read more...

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After more than two years since the last installment, the wait is finally over for diehard Pokémon fans to dive into Sword and Shield. Here are all the tips you need for getting started in the brand new Nintendo Switch release.Read more...

SAN ANTONIO—Admitting they were stumped as to how to publicly respond to the unfortunate but baffling event, officials at Six Flags Fiesta Texas were reportedly unsure Friday if they needed to apologize for a guest who managed to get decapitated by the bumper cars. “This is obviously a tragic situation that we wish…Read more...

A new report from the National Lung Association found that new lung cancer cases in the U.S. dropped 19 % over the past decade, while the survival rate rose to 26%, revealing significant steps forward in combating the country’s leading cause of cancer death. What do you think?Read more...

SECAUCUS, NJ—Honoring the individuals who they claim meant more to baseball this year than anyone, the MLB announced during Thursday’s ceremony that the 2019 MVP would be awarded to the league’s hardworking stadium concession staffers. “The Baseball Writers Association of America is pleased to give this year’s Most…Read more...

CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it would be silly not to take advantage of such great deals, 31-year-old computer programmer Jared Hermann confirmed Thursday he had stopped by a local Walgreens to load up on clearance sale of Armistice Day candy. “It’s my little annual tradition to hit up the stores once Nov. 12 rolls around,…Read more...

Climate charge is being blamed for historic flooding that has covered 85% of the Italian city of Venice and caused the mayor to declare a state of emergency. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Emerging from behind a cloud blind in a blaze orange miter and camouflaged vestments, His Holiness Pope Francis reportedly celebrated with fellow clergymen Thursday after bagging a highly coveted prize in this year’s Vatican seraphim hunt: a six-winged trophy angel.Read more...

WENHAM, MA—Admitting that it was a learned tactic more than a genuine expression of love, area woman Callie Garrett told reporters Thursday that she knew her husband was just displaying affection because he was hungry. “Oh, it’s so sweet when he runs towards me and starts nuzzling and making little happy noises, even…Read more...

REDONDO BEACH, CA— Insisting that the rapid-fire series of messages was “completely unprompted,” local man Matisse Issac speculated Thursday that his girlfriend, Rebecca Allen, must have been drinking when she texted him a dimly lit picture of a knitted scarf at midnight. “Jesus Christ, now she’s telling me to come…Read more...

Web giant Amazon plans to open its own grocery store next year in Los Angeles, an addition to its retail portfolio that already includes Whole Foods, Amazon Books, and the experimental Amazon Go automated supermarkets. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Lamenting that the company did not even have anything to do with sports or his city, Pacers fan Kevin Schulder admitted Wednesday that he wished his team was sponsored by a cooler corporation. “It’d be sick if they had Monster or Nike as a sponsor, but it’s fucking Bankers Life Fieldhouse—I’ve never even…Read more...

An Arctic air mass has affected more than 200 million people across the nation, plunging temperatures to historic lows, cancelling thousands of flights, and leaving many facing more than a foot of snow. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Stripped of his files and chair, police officer Mike McCarry was removed from desk duty and placed on empty-room duty Wednesday after brutally beating a drawer. “Effective immediately, Officer McCarry has been placed in an empty storage space off the main office bullpen while we investigate claims he…Read more...

TORO PAMPA, PARAGUAY—Cursing their luck after scientists confirmed their nation’s worst fears had been realized, officials in Paraguay were reportedly panicking Wednesday after discovering a rich deposit of natural resources. “Goddammit, this is tens of billions of dollars’ worth of rhodium, if not more—we’re sitting…Read more...

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NORMANDY PARK, WA—In a stunning display of managerial skill that had sources speculating about the heights he would reach in the world of multinational commerce, a precocious 5-year-old was on Wednesday already holding long, pointless meetings with his stuffed animals. The administrative prodigy reportedly displayed…Read more...

A dramatic new phase of the impeachment inquiry into President Trump’s dealings with Ukrainian officials starts today with public hearings from the acting ambassador to Ukraine and the deputy assistant secretary of state for the region. What do you think?Read more...

DALLAS—Seizing a rare opportunity to finally enjoy lunch without distracting her coworkers, Cranston & Digby copywriter Jeanine Mitchell took advantage of the moment Wednesday when the sudden crack of gunfire in the office provided her with the auditory cover she needed to bite into a crisp Kiku apple. “What great…Read more...

SEATTLE—Touting the new service as a way to maximize efficiency, Amazon officials announced Wednesday that they’ll be encouraging faster shipping speeds by strapping a cinder block to the accelerator of their drivers’ delivery trucks. “Our analysis has determined that Amazon drivers waste valuable time getting out of…Read more...

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SACRAMENTO—In an effort to generate renewable energy from an all-American source, the Sacramento Kings announced Tuesday that the Golden 1 Center would be powered by 100% windmill dunk energy by the year 2030. “The centripetal force and dazzling heat of windmill dunks is an incredible untapped source of green power,”…Read more...

Disney Plus, the subscription streaming service from Disney, will launch November 12. The Onion takes a look at the biggest features of Disney Plus.Read more...

BURBANK, CA—Expressing their deepest condolences to those affected by technical glitches, Disney Plus officials apologized Tuesday for apparently being all that some actual adults have. “We are working hard to resolve user issues involving the new Disney Plus system, and extend a sincere thank you to the recluses,…Read more...

Amidst an escalating pro-democracy movement in the city, a new video shows Hong Kong police shooting and injuring a 21-year-old protester who had allegedly been building a road block. What do you think?Read more...

AUGUSTA, ME—Expressing frustration with his roommate’s apparent lack of hygiene and off-putting habits, college freshman Kyle Hayes told reporters Tuesday that he was annoyed about having to room with Isaac Feldman, a 47-year-old adjunct professor at the University of Maine. “He’s always hitting me up for money and…Read more...

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BURBANK, CA—In what industry analysts are calling an unprecedented shake-up in the streaming wars, several reports indicated Tuesday that Disney Plus suffered a lackluster debut after the Tennis Channel simultaneously offered its own on-demand subscription service at the same monthly rate. “While Disney’s back catalog…Read more...

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Ambrosia, a startup that pledges to maintain youthfulness by giving customers transfusions of plasma from young people, is back in business after an FDA notice prevented the company from continuing the maligned and dubious practice. What do you think?Read more...

WHITE BIRD, ID—Quietly discussing whether the canine needed some kind of psychological help, members of the Elk Creek wolf pack were worried Tuesday that a young member might be a sociopath after he heartlessly mauled a defenseless rabbit. “It’s really unnerving, he just ripped apart that poor thing without any…Read more...

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MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Revealing his choice after months of grave concerns about his health, the Dalai Lama triumphantly named his successor Monday after a woman who had written “The purpose of our lives is to be happy” in her Twitter bio came to his attention. “This Amanda Belfry of Gainesville, FL is the manifestation…Read more...

Billionaire businessman and former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg filed paperwork this week designating himself as a Democratic Party candidate in Alabama, setting the stage for a candidacy that could prove a threat to other moderates in the race. What do you think?Read more...

CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA—Calling the individual “patient zero” for the lethal strain of flames currently raging across the continent, Australian authorities announced Monday that the nationwide outbreak of wildfire may have been spread from Jeffrey Meyers, a Delta Airlines passenger traveling from the U.S. while ablaze.…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Referring to the Emmy-winning actor as “a real family man,” mother of three Janet Jeune casually rattled off the names and ages of Alec Baldwin’s children during the course of mundane conversation Monday. “His eldest daughter, Ireland, from his first marriage with that one actress, just turned 24,” Jeune…Read more...

RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW—Confronting you on all the shit you have been talking recently, furious sources close to you are asking insistently and repeatedly if you want to fucking go right now. “Why don’t you come over here and show me what the fuck you got,” the red-faced individual reportedly said, confirming that they…Read more...