The Onion

TEHRAN—While addressing the recent spread of the disease in the Islamic Republic, Iran’s deputy health minister Iraj Harirchi announced at a press conference Wednesday that he has coronavirus and also hemorrhoids, but that’s a separate thing that he will deal with on his own. “I recently got tested and can officially…Read more...

Hank Azaria, who has played dozens of Simpsons’ characters over the show’s 30-year history, announced that he will no longer voice Kwik-E-Mart owner Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, saying outcry from critics who feel the Indian immigrant is a bigoted stereotype opened his eyes to the issue. What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—Rolling down his window to circulate fresh air through the interior of the emergency vehicle, ambulance driver John Hendricks became visibly enraged Wednesday when a patient he was transporting vomited without warning. “You have to be kidding me, dude, you can’t do that in here,” said Hendricks, sliding the…Read more...

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ROCHESTER, MN—Speaking with reporters about how lucky he feels to be pursuing his life’s passion full-time, local neurosurgeon Chris Monson said Wednesday he will always be grateful he found a way to turn his favorite hobby into a career.Read more...

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KENOSHA, WI—Exulting with joy as she kicked over an empty stroller, mother Michelle Groves, 34, was observed saying “I’m free, I’m finally free” to herself and several onlookers in Target Wednesday, moments before realizing her child was simply hiding inside a nearby clothing rack. “At last I’ve cast off my burden!…Read more...

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Netflix is introducing a new feature to its homepage this week listing the top 10 most-viewed shows and movies within the user’s country, which the company says will provide subscribers with information on what other people are actually watching. What do you think?Read more...

The National Park Service announced that Yosemite National Park will be closed indefinitely after startled witnesses reportedly spotted a bear on the grounds. A really big bear, too.Read more...

EUCLID, OH—After digging up its meal from a patch of ground in Memorial Park on Tuesday, an idiotic squirrel with an acorn in its mouth reportedly ran away and tried to hide from local 48-year-old Edward Trotter, as if the man weren’t already able to eat as many nuts as he wants to. “Look, buddy, I’m not going to take…Read more...

Disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein, whose behavior ignited the #MeToo movement in 2017 after over 100 women came forward to accuse him of rape, sexual assault, and harassment, was found guilty of two felony sex crimes in New York, though his lawyers say they plan to appeal the decision. What do you think?Read more...

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GASTONIA, NC—Saying the erotic romance novel had always been open to individual interpretation, reform Fifty Shades Of Grey reader Pamela Boyd divulged Tuesday that she does not think Christian and Ana literally indulged in bladder control fetish play, but that she derives meaning from the story nonetheless. “Just…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Struggling to comprehend how such an obvious breach of interpersonal trust could be allowed to continue, men across the country were stunned Tuesday upon learning that the problem of sexual harassment may have been endemic in all aspects of society as far back as 1990. “I had not heard of it until…Read more...

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IRVINE, CA— Painstakingly assembling clues from a series of advertisements rolled out over the course of a month, budget-minded consumer Bruce Brown, 52, declared Tuesday that he had evidence proving a so-called “flash sale” at a local department store had, in fact, been strategized to several weeks in advance.…Read more...

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MIT scientists have developed a machine-learning computer algorithm to identify new and more powerful molecules capable of killing so-called superbugs or bacteria that is resistant to common antibiotics. What do you think?Read more...

Human rights activists are up in arms after the DOJ announced it would be resuming federal punishments, making it legal to sentence the country’s most naughty felons to a good, hard spanking.Read more...

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President Trump departed Sunday for a two-day visit to India, where he will take part in a rally with Prime Minister Narendra Modi, visit the Taj Mahal, and attend a state banquet in Delhi. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—In an attempt to stay one step ahead of the dangerous new outbreak, Centers for Disease Control Director Robert Redfield reportedly walked down the hallway of a secure facility that houses captive diseases Friday in order to consult with avian influenza about how to stop the deadly coronavirus. Striding past…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Touting the measure as the most ambitious effort ever to tackle climate change on a global level, the United States unveiled a plan Monday for the rest of the world to become carbon-neutral by 2030. “Climate change is a serious threat to American livelihoods, which is why we have taken the unprecedented…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Declaring the armored lighter-than-air sky fortress a testament to African American achievement across parallel realities, the Smithsonian Museum celebrated Black Alternate History Month Monday with a full-scale recreation of The B.S.S. Crisis, W.E.B. Du Bois’ war zeppelin. “Looking at this afro-futurist…Read more...

Brace yourself, OGN readers, because we have some truly pathetic news about a man who has the gall to call himself a gamer! According to police reports, Denver, CO resident and self-described gaming enthusiast Mitch Rudolph risked his life by going all the way to St. Joseph Hospital after getting shot three times…Read more...

SAN CARLOS, CA—Growing gradually more concerned that this was just his mother’s normal state, local infant Lucas Garrison reportedly had started to worry Monday that his lethargic, distant mom wasn’t suffering from postpartum depression at all. “Huh, that’s weird—I thought for sure that all the mood swings, insomnia,…Read more...

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Fast-fashion retailer Forever 21, which filed for bankruptcy in 2019 following declining sales, has been purchased by Authentic Brands, with plans to keep nearly 500 stores open nationwide and add new lines of accessories. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Citing the group’s general lack of enthusiasm about the idea of playing another season of baseball, New York Mets first baseman Pete Alonso reportedly asked his teammates Friday whether they’d all rather sign up for volleyball this year. “We’ve been doing the baseball thing for a while now, but everyone gets…Read more...

It’s the latest attempt to cut down on online abuse among middle and high schoolers. But will it work?Read more...

President Trump’s former campaign advisor and longtime friend Roger Stone was sentenced to 40 months in prison for lying to Congress and obstructing the investigation into Russiain meddling during the 2016 election. What do you think?Read more...

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DETROIT—In an effort to maintain their lead in the increasingly competitive heavy-duty sport utility vehicle market, General Motors unveiled Friday their new 14-seat, 11-door, 7-wheel, 4-trunk Chevrolet Teton. “Americans have come to expect more truckness from their SUVs, so we’re happy to deliver the first vehicle in…Read more...

More schools across the U.S. are banning peanuts in response to a rise in children with peanut allergies, while critics say that prohibiting them entirely goes too far. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning peanuts in schools.Read more...

Well, this is going to turn some gamers off. Naughty Dog’s recent games have long been known for their brutal depiction of violence and thought-provoking exploration of adult themes. But according to new information on The Last of Us Part II’s official website, the ESRB has given the upcoming title an M rating solely…Read more...

YOKOHAMA, JAPAN—Linking arms together and digging their feet heels triumphantly into the ground, hundreds of passengers aboard a coronavirus-infected cruise ship refused to leave Friday after forming unlikely friendships with each other that transcended their nationalities and languages. “When we first set out on this…Read more...

Researchers at the University of Hawaii predict that 90% of the world’s coral reefs could die in the next 20 years and that reefs could disappear entirely by 2100 as climate change increases ocean temperatures. What do you think?Read more...

The Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, was rushed into emergency surgery after accidentally shooting Himself while cleaning His gun. Hear what doctors have to say about His chances of recovery.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Meandering through the National Mall as they forgot where they were headed, thousands of recently concussed Americans marched on Washington D.C. Thursday demanding the right to sleep. “Every citizen deserves to go night-night for just a few minutes without being shaken awake by those who would insist we…Read more...

George Zimmerman, whose acquittal for shooting and killing Trayvon Martin sparked national debate, is suing Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren for defamation, claiming their tributes to Martin were attempts to “garner votes in the black community.” What do you think?Read more...

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