The Onion

When we first heard Valve CEO Gabe Newell had an announcement about the Half-Life series planned for this week, we (and presumably every gamer with a pulse) were excited to finally see a continuation of this legendary series. So, it’s a huge disappointment to report that instead of sharing a release date for the…Read more...

DAYTON, OH—Voluntarily surrendering the remarkable talent that gave her profound insight into the true nature of existence, the only person with the ability to see the world for what it actually is has started taking antidepressants, sources confirmed Thursday. Like a divine seer who blinds herself rather than face…Read more...

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BURBANK, CA—Responding at last to rumors surrounding the beloved animated character, Frozen 2 co-directors Chris Buck and Jennifer Lee confirmed Thursday that Elsa is gay but also a trans-exclusionary radical feminist. “We’re excited to finally share with fans that Queen Elsa is indeed Disney’s first lesbian princess…Read more...

Ten Democratic hopefuls took the stage in Atlanta Wednesday night to compete for voter support as the four front-runners—former Vice President Joe Biden, South Bend mayor Pete Buttigieg, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) and Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT)—look for a burst of momentum to propel them ahead of their rivals.…Read more...

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Two prison guards have been charged for falsifying records and failing in their duty to check on Jeffrey Epstein every 30 minutes on the night of his death. What do you think?Read more...

It’s been an agonizing wait for Shenmue fans awaiting the continuation of Yu Suzuki’s revolutionary Dreamcast classic. But thanks to thousands of Kickstarter backers, we’re finally getting the sequel we deserve, and it looks like Ys Net is rolling out all the stops to promote it with an awesome tie-in: Thousands of…Read more...

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CINCINNATI—Promising the Alabama Crimson Tide quarterback that nothing would stop them from drafting him, the Bengals assured injury-prone Tua Tagovailoa Wednesday that he could have any of Andy Dalton’s organs. “We consider Tua to be an elite prospect, but if he has any concerns about the NFL next year, he needs to…Read more...

Fast-food chain Chick-fil-A announced that it will end donations to organizations with an anti-LGBTQ mission, such as the Salvation Army and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, although advocacy groups stress that more transparency will be needed before confirming this change has taken place. What do you think?Read more...

SEDALIA, MO—Condemning the processed poultry giant’s blatant disregard for well-established food safety practices, inspectors from the office of the Pettis County Health Board rated Tyson’s Sedalia Center processing plant this week at a borderline ‘D’ upon discovering vast amounts of raw chicken contaminating nearly…Read more...

SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Hoping the financial incentive will help classify that thing circling around in the sky, ornithologists at the University of Rhode Island were awarded a $10 million grant this week to research whether that big bird way up there is a hawk. “It was pretty far away when we first saw it, but it looked…Read more...

Kanye West announced Nebuchadnezzar, an opera about the titular Biblical figure, will premiere at the Hollywood Bowl on November 24, adding to the rapper and producer’s foray into Judeo-Christian themes on the heels of his gospel-inspired work Jesus is King. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Stressing that it was by no means an ideal solution to the issue, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology concluded that an inability to keep track of all the nation’s mass shootings still counts as denying shooters the attention they crave. “With the sheer…Read more...

GAINESVILLE, FL—Shedding new light on the life of the celebrated author, literary historians from the University of Florida announced Tuesday that they had discovered evidence that Ernest Hemingway’s father had bulk purchased 70,000 copies of The Sun Also Rises to get his son on the bestseller list. “These findings…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Describing the new piece of equipment as indispensable to the agency’s successful reduction of backlogged cases, the FBI reported Tuesday it had solved 80% more crimes since investing in a great big magnifying glass. “Not since the implementation of DNA profiling in the 1980s have we equipped our…Read more...

Ahead of a possible presidential run, former Mayor Michael Bloomberg apologized for his stop-and-frisk policy, admitting that it increased racial disparities in stops without any demonstrable effects on preventing crime. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Forecasting that the bond trading industry would soon experience “long-overdue yield corrections,” an article published in The Wall Street Journal Tuesday with the headline “Reflationary Boom Incapable of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery” is, in fact, a detailed account of how your entire savings will soon…Read more...

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Demonstrating a dramatic ability to surge in support in the crucial election state, Mayor Pete Buttigieg took a commanding 10% lead over rivals Senators Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders and former Vice President Joe Biden, who are tied in a dead heat at 15%. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Noting that the measure could prevent flora from being caught off guard in their later years, biologists at Harvard University issued a recommendation Monday that trees put aside a little phosphorous for any unexpected emergencies. “You never know when the environment is going to throw you a curveball,…Read more...

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GAINESVILLE, FL—Urging women to always have a safety plan, experts recommended Monday shouting ‘Free donuts’ instead of ‘Rape’ to receive help more quickly during an assault. “People are generally afraid to involve themselves in a physical attack, so if you’re being assaulted, screaming that you’re giving away…Read more...

A Chinese Communist Youth League channel has launched on the adult video website PornHub featuring internet users criticizing pro-democracy demonstration in Hong Kong after more mainstream outlets banned the propaganda videos. What do you think?Read more...

PASADENA, TX—Frantically scanning the rug below her web, a panicked local spider confirmed Monday that she had completely lost track of a human she had noticed scurrying across the floor. “Oh, God. Where is that thing? I looked away for one second and it disappeared,” said the spider, searching along the baseboards…Read more...

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OAKLAND, CA—Midway through her performance of a down-tempo number she described as “sort of pop-y and languid,” Beach House lead vocalist Victoria Legrand reported Friday that it was not at all clear which Beach House song the band is currently playing before a sold-out crowd at the Fox Theater. “It has a lot of…Read more...

In a notable escalation of the House Minority Leader’s rhetoric, Nancy Pelosi suggested President Trump committed bribery in his dealings with the Ukrainian president, an impeachable offense as outlined in Article II of the Constitution. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Apologizing for laying down the ruling in haste without examining all the evidence, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell rescinded Myles Garrett’s suspension for attacking Steelers quarterback Mason Rudolph with a helmet Friday after review footage clearly showed Rudolph’s punchable fucking face. “This was my…Read more...

ATLANTA—Responding to concerns that the 32-year-old had spent too much time away from the game, representatives for Colin Kaepernick assured NFL teams Friday that his CTE has progressed just as much as other players over his three-year hiatus. “We know teams are worried about how NFL ready he is after that much time…Read more...

The newest Star Wars game is finally here, and we’ve got all the absolute best lines of praise that Electronic Arts suggested we use in a press package containing the game, a media kit, and a strongly worded letter insisting that we keep these bullet points in mind during our review, implying that our relationship…Read more...

ST. LOUIS—With student-to-teacher ratios beginning to approach a more manageable level, sources confirmed Friday that a highly infectious strain of the flu sweeping through Washington Middle School this month has reduced class sizes to the point that learning is now feasible. “With this terrible illness forcing so…Read more...

If you’re an Xbox fanboy who was salivating over what the next gen could offer, you might want to sit down because we have disappointing news coming from the X019 press event: Microsoft just confirmed that Project Scarlett is actually just an expansive brothel they’re constructing in Thailand where Xboxes can go to be…Read more...

NEW YORK—In news that took the nation completely by surprise, some company called Scampr already lost $12.5 billion at launch and has gone bankrupt, sources confirmed Friday. “Huh, I guess they were in new media and it looks like they just completely went under,” said sources glancing at an article about the…Read more...

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After more than two years since the last installment, the wait is finally over for diehard Pokémon fans to dive into Sword and Shield. Here are all the tips you need for getting started in the brand new Nintendo Switch release.Read more...

SAN ANTONIO—Admitting they were stumped as to how to publicly respond to the unfortunate but baffling event, officials at Six Flags Fiesta Texas were reportedly unsure Friday if they needed to apologize for a guest who managed to get decapitated by the bumper cars. “This is obviously a tragic situation that we wish…Read more...

A new report from the National Lung Association found that new lung cancer cases in the U.S. dropped 19 % over the past decade, while the survival rate rose to 26%, revealing significant steps forward in combating the country’s leading cause of cancer death. What do you think?Read more...

SECAUCUS, NJ—Honoring the individuals who they claim meant more to baseball this year than anyone, the MLB announced during Thursday’s ceremony that the 2019 MVP would be awarded to the league’s hardworking stadium concession staffers. “The Baseball Writers Association of America is pleased to give this year’s Most…Read more...

CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it would be silly not to take advantage of such great deals, 31-year-old computer programmer Jared Hermann confirmed Thursday he had stopped by a local Walgreens to load up on clearance sale of Armistice Day candy. “It’s my little annual tradition to hit up the stores once Nov. 12 rolls around,…Read more...

Climate charge is being blamed for historic flooding that has covered 85% of the Italian city of Venice and caused the mayor to declare a state of emergency. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Emerging from behind a cloud blind in a blaze orange miter and camouflaged vestments, His Holiness Pope Francis reportedly celebrated with fellow clergymen Thursday after bagging a highly coveted prize in this year’s Vatican seraphim hunt: a six-winged trophy angel.Read more...

WENHAM, MA—Admitting that it was a learned tactic more than a genuine expression of love, area woman Callie Garrett told reporters Thursday that she knew her husband was just displaying affection because he was hungry. “Oh, it’s so sweet when he runs towards me and starts nuzzling and making little happy noises, even…Read more...

REDONDO BEACH, CA— Insisting that the rapid-fire series of messages was “completely unprompted,” local man Matisse Issac speculated Thursday that his girlfriend, Rebecca Allen, must have been drinking when she texted him a dimly lit picture of a knitted scarf at midnight. “Jesus Christ, now she’s telling me to come…Read more...