The Onion

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Noting that the little fucker must be in some seriously deep shit to be booking it like that, local man Albert Chu told reporters Friday that the centipede tearing ass across his floor must be really late for something. “I dunno if he slept through a meeting or if he forgot to pick up his centipede kids…Read more...

In a policy change that will remove an estimated 1.7 million pounds of plastic waste, Marriott International, the world’s largest hotel chain, announced that it plans to eliminate its small plastic shampoo, lotions, and soaps and replace them with larger reusable containers. What do you think?Read more...

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OAKLAND, CA—Stressing that the band had gone downhill since the days they came into existence, hardcore Weezer fan Nathan Staples told reporters Friday that he has hated everything the band released since their formation in 1992. “Yeah, frankly, I think they stopped being good right around the self-titled debut, and…Read more...

Big news, Battlefield fans! After months of speculation, EA made a splash this week when they revealed the next treacherous setting for the long-running franchise. According to an EA spokesperson, Battlefield will finally tackle one of the most brutal wars of all time by taking place in a middle-class family torn…Read more...

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The Taliban and the United States are “close” to a peace agreement in their talks that would see a gradual withdrawal of American forces and set the stage for establishing power-sharing with the Afghan government, according to a source at the talks. What do you think?Read more...

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—With Hurricane Dorian now expected to make landfall in Florida as a Category 4 storm, wildlife experts warned Thursday that the state’s wild Sea-Doos were at risk. “The vast majority of Florida’s native Sea-Doos mate and reproduce in low-lying coastal areas that could be ravaged by Dorian,” said…Read more...

As the brainchild of one of the industry’s leading minds, Hideo Kojima’s mysterious Death Stranding might be the must-have title of 2019. But in true Kojima fashion, with each newly released trailer, the game’s plotline and gameplay only get more mysterious. So let OGN break down everything you can possibly know about …Read more...

KENT, OH—As the musician on the screen lost his place and restarted for the third time, sources confirmed Thursday that YouTuber Ryan Prescott’s enthusiasm during his video tutorial on the guitar solo from Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning” was definitely flagging by the time he hit the 45-minute mark. “He was pretty…Read more...

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YOUR LOCATION—Noting that a complete scan of your memory storage had found spyware that could harm your data and compromise your privacy, a late-breaking report released Thursday confirmed that The Onion has detected a virus on your computer and the only way to make your personal computer safe for use was to download…Read more...

BREVARD COUNTY, FL—Trying to hold back laughter while explaining how the garments were knit out of “proprietary NASA materials that are specially optimized for zero gravity,” Buzz Aldrin was reportedly selling a pair of old gym socks for $500,000 to a complete sucker Thursday, assuring him that he “totally” wore them…Read more...

Days after the Democratic National Committee opted against hosting a climate-focused debate, CNN announced plans for a lengthy town hall allowing all eligible candidates a platform to address the often-overlooked crisis. What do you think?Read more...

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CHICAGO—Revealing that the practice of physical intervention helped to inspire focus and concentration, a new study released by the University of Chicago’s Department of Psychology on Wednesday found that the most effective method of overcoming procrastination was a beating delivered by an overseer whenever you stop…Read more...

Though several other polls found that Biden maintains a significant lead, a Monmouth University poll suggested that Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Joe Biden are now deadlocked for first place. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Impressing coaches and teammates alike with his passion for the game and proper spelling, quarterback Case Keenum won the Redskins starting job Wednesday with a heartfelt essay entitled “What I Like Most About Football Is.” “We went through a bunch of submissions, but Case’s heartfelt five-paragraph essay…Read more...

SEATTLE—Finding themselves unable to focus after only a few minutes of listening, the eyes of a group of hostages began glazing over Wednesday during a lengthy explanation of a deadly game they were about to play with their serial-killer abductor. “It started out simply enough with him declaring the only rule was kill…Read more...

Concerns about the effects of cars on cities have led to more cities around the world, including Madrid, Paris, and Mexico City, partially banning cars in certain areas or on certain days, but opponents say the practice has many negative consequences. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning cars in cities.Read more...

AKRON, OH—Revealing a strategy for protecting himself from criticism, local man Blake Cotton reportedly speculated Wednesday that if anyone ever calls him out on privilege, he’ll just make something up about being molested. “I mean, if someone ever tells me to think about how my position as a white male informs my…Read more...

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After a state court found the company liable for $572 million in damages for its role in Oklahoma’s opioid crisis, consumer healthcare giant Johnson & Johnson announced Tuesday it would push uppers for the next decade or two in an effort to even everyone out. “We went way too hard on the downers,…Read more...

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MANAUS, BRAZIL—Widespread human-caused fires that have decimated over 1,300 square miles of Amazon rainforest in the year 2019 alone revealed a small tribe of isolated rich sociopaths who are completely untouched by consequence, sources confirmed Tuesday. “As the impact of deforestation continues to grow, a team…Read more...

Lucasfilm has released a new trailer for the highly anticipated concluding installment of the new Star Wars trilogy, teasing characters Rey and Kylo Ren clashing in a dramatic, rain-swept battle as well as the final appearance of Carrie Fisher. What do you think?Read more...

When Sony and Remedy Entertainment announced the 2019 release of the new action-adventure shooter Control at E3, they promised players an immersive gaming release unlike anything the industry has ever offered. After getting the chance to play it myself, I can now say unequivocally that Control delivers on that promise…Read more...

As it has become a yearly tradition, former president Barack Obama released a playlist of his and Michelle’s favorite songs of the summer, featuring musicians including Lizzo, Maggie Rogers, and Lil Nas X. What do you think?Read more...

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HUNTINGTON, WV—Explaining that such suggestive armor was inappropriate for an educational environment, Huntington High School officials reportedly reminded female students Tuesday that their bulletproof vests must cover their midriffs. “We’ve been seeing some students wearing revealing bulletproof vests, so I just…Read more...

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STAMFORD, CT—Reminding himself that everything will be okay if he simply pushes through his sense of impending doom, local man Alex Clemson took the last steps necessary Tuesday to overcome his long-standing fear of public urination during a visit to Fort Stamford Park. “In the past, I always froze up at crucial…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—In a sign that the world has finally passed you by, sources confirmed Monday that this year’s 2019 MTV Video Music Awards featured an endless stream of people you don’t know, you withered corpse, you putrid crone, you might as well be dead and rotting in the dirt. “Tonight, the world honors singers and…Read more...

Conservative radio show host and former representative Joe Walsh announced he will run against President Trump in 2020, presenting himself as a more palatable alternative after apologizing for a rash of controversial past statements such as questioning President Obama’s religion and calling him a Muslim. What do you…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Continuing a practice that he followed as president, Barack Obama reportedly upheld an old in-office tradition Saturday by releasing his 2019 summer kill list. “I’ve been busy with other things, so it’s not as extensive a kill list as some I released back when I was president, but I hope you find who I’ve…Read more...

BLUEFIELD, WV—In an attempt to address any fears they might have about the animal’s welfare, local man Roger Carlisle reportedly assured his houseguests Monday that he sometimes opens his parakeet’s cage so the bird can flutter around the house in a frantic and doomed bid for freedom. “Don’t worry, I know the cage…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining how this was the third error he’s caught since opening up the morning edition, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly reamed out the Washington Post editors Monday after catching another copy-editing mistake. “I’m only three sentences into this article about stock futures in Africa, and there’s already…Read more...

BIARRITZ, FRANCE—As the three-day global conference drew to a close, the world leaders present at the G7 summit eagerly waited Monday as the event’s organizers announced the raffle drawing for a Nintendo Switch. “Oh man, I’ve been wanting a Switch so bad, and Parliament won’t give me any money to buy one, so I put…Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Admitting that he could not take the physical and mental punishment anymore, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck tearfully described years of fighting through the searing pain he experiences during every moment spent in Indianapolis. “Day in and day out, it takes a lot out of you—it’s been seven years of…Read more...

NEW YORK—Conceding that many facets of the game still felt completely foreign to him, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell admitted Monday that his job would probably be a lot easier if he actually watched football. “Honestly, it’s really tough to get a handle on what’s a good rule change because I’m really not that big a…Read more...

FREDERICKSBURG, TX—Searching her brain for even the slightest upside, local parent Sarah Bolen found herself struggling Monday to find a good reason why Sophia, her 5-year-old daughter, should not be afraid of starting the first grade. “Don’t worry, there’s nothing to be scared of, other than constant judgment from…Read more...

Former White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced she will will join Fox News as a contributor next month, increasing the ties between the White House and that network. What do you think?Read more...

QUINCY, MA—Exhausting his reserves of confidence well before first-period roll call, student Logan Mahaffey found the self-esteem he painstakingly acquired during summer theater camp could only get him through his first six minutes of the school year, the 7th-grader admitted Monday. “If I can play the lead in Jesus…Read more...

Looks like the future of virtual reality has finally arrived. Sony just announced their new flesh-colored VR helmet that seamlessly blends in with your face, letting you play inconspicuously anywhere, anytime. For anyone worried about sticking out in public after booting Superhot VR or Five Nights At Freddy’s VR: Help…Read more...

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Democratic 2020 contender Bernie Sanders announced the most expansive climate plan among the field, spending $16 trillion to decarbonize the economy by 2050 and allegedly creating 20 million jobs, although the plan does not include technologies such as nuclear power or carbon sequestration. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Noting that the deceased billionaire wasted no time after entering into Heaven’s gates, angelic sources confirmed Friday that David Koch immediately launched a far-reaching, fully funded campaign to secure Antonin Scalia a seat in the Holy Trinity. “It’s been far too long since a true conservative like…Read more...

Massive human-caused fires in the Amazon are burning the rainforest at a record rate, stoking global concerns about its potential impact on climate change and shrouding Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro in controversy. The Onion looks at the most significant consequences of the massive fires in the Amazon rainforest.Read more...

ANAHEIM, CA––Assuring the crowd of onlookers that the beloved cartoon character was merely enjoying a little rest from all the fun he was having in the Magic Kingdom, Disneyland employee Mark Scovell hastily improvised a story Friday about how much Goofy loves napping on the pavement. “Oh, jeepers, it looks like…Read more...