The Onion

ANNAPOLIS, MD—Worried that the humiliating posts would destroy his future employment opportunities, a frantic, job-hunting Jay Gruden scrubbed his social media this week of anything associated with the Redskins. “If anyone sees these photos of me in a Redskins hat, my career is over,” said the former head coach,…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Compelled by a power greater than himself to leave his beloved home and tread the path of all-surpassing glory, Sawyer, a 4-year-old Jack Russell Terrier, set off Wednesday on a pilgrimage to that selfsame consecrated site where he once found a whole rotisserie chicken resting by the side of the road.…Read more...

In a move that foreign policy experts have criticized as abandoning Kurdish allies and potentially escalating the region’s conflicts, President Trump announced plans to pull all U.S. troops from Northern Syria as Turkey readies a military incursion into the area. What do you think?Read more...

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BEIJING—On the heels of recent pro-Hong Kong comments by Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey, Chinese officials responded to the criticism Tuesday by moving millions of Chinese citizens to NHL re-fanification camps. “To show that China will not tolerate this flagrant disrespect for our nation amongst the ranks of the NBA,…Read more...

The Supreme Court reconvened this week to render verdicts on issues that will touch on several significant facets of American society including Roe v. Wade, gun rights, and discrimination protections for LGBTQ individuals. What do you think?Read more...

PROVIDENCE, RI—Vowing to never give up hope, local man Mark Prasad admitted Tuesday that he’s starting to think he didn’t win the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes 1995 sweepstakes for a free trip to the Australian Outback. “Every day, I check the mail in hopes of finding a flashy envelope from Kellogg’s telling me to pack my…Read more...

GALGALA MOUNTAINS, SOMALIA—Deeply hurt by the way in which counterterrorism operatives repeatedly discounted the craftsmanship and ingenuity of his anti-personnel bombs, terrorist Ahmad Musa stated Tuesday he resented Western intelligence agencies referring to his explosive devices as “improvised.” “I refined the…Read more...

NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch will make history this month as the first all-female team to perform a spacewalk in which they will swap out batteries that power some of the International Space Station’s solar array. What do you think?Read more...

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Banksy’s “Devolved Parliament” painting, which depicts the British House of Commons as chimpanzees, sold at a Sotheby’s auction for $12.2 million, smashing the anonymous street artist’s previous record of $1.3 million. What do you think?Read more...

SPARKS, MD—In a report suggesting that the boss had come in this morning with an even sharper-than-usual appearance, sources confirmed Monday that must be a new suit, sir, and it sure looks great. “Not everyone could pull off an outfit like that, but the boss does it with ease,” said eagerly grinning sources, noting…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Amid a recent spike in mysterious confection-related deaths, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday its plan to ban all flavored Jolly Ranchers, allowing only the original flavorless variety to remain on shelves across the nation. “These hard candies are only suitable for consumption by adults,…Read more...

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NAMPA, ID—Noting that a huge weight had been taken off his shoulders, newly enlightened man Ken Eaton announced Monday that learning to love himself has freed him from the burden of extensive and painful self-reflection. “It’s nice to finally have accepted my flaws, because doing so allows me to stop the tiresome…Read more...

ENCINO, CA—According to sources in attendance at the ceremony, area man Daniel Walter was wed Saturday to Kelly Kaminski, a woman he hardly even knows after five years of dating. “Kelly, you are my rock, my everything, and you never cease to amaze me,” said Walter, 37, who is reportedly deluding himself if he thinks…Read more...

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Retail clothing store Forever 21 filed for bankruptcy and announced it would close 350 stores worldwide as consumers increasingly move away from shopping malls and eschew fast fashion due to its environmental impact. What do you think?Read more...

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PITTSBURGH—Briefly interrupting her weekend cleaning to pop her head into the living room, local mom Shandi Ames arrived from the other room Sunday for her semi-hourly report on the Pittsburgh Steelers football game. “How is everything going? Are they winning?” asked Ames, collecting dirty plates and empty cups from…Read more...

ALBUQUERQUE—In a breakthrough discovery that could change the way Sun Signs live forever, the nation’s top pseudoscientists announced Friday that they had harnessed a high-energy quartz crystal capable of reversing the effects of being a Gemini. “From today onward, the Sign Of The Twins will no longer be forced to…Read more...

In a dramatic escalation of his intervention in the 2020 presidential race, Donald Trump called for China and Ukraine to open investigations into one of his leading rivals, former Vice President Joe Biden, and his son, despite no evidence whatsoever of illegal wrongdoing. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing remorse for their weakness and total lack of self-control, Americans across the country were ashamed to admit Friday that they would probably look up John Goodman’s nudes if they leaked. “Look, I’m not proud of it, but if I found out John Goodman’s iCloud got hacked and a bunch of his naked photos…Read more...

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OAKLAND, CA—Admitting he was heartbroken over his mistake against the Colts, Oakland Raiders linebacker Vontaze Burfict expressed deep regret Friday that he let Indianapolis tight end Jack Doyle live. “This goes against who I am as a player and the very spirit of the game. I’m sorry Jack was able to leave the field in…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Blaring the national anthem as soldiers stood holding red, white, and blue sports drinks, a new patriotic Gatorade ad that aired Friday showed terrorists being waterboarded with Gatorade. “Gatorade is the official drink of protecting the American homeland,” said Gatorade spokesperson Ally Hawthorne about the…Read more...

One year after journalist Jamal Khashoggi was murdered at the Saudi Arabian consulate, Western investors are returning to Saudi Arabia due to its enormous oil wealth and the efforts of Crown Prince bin Salman at stifling outrage. What do you think?Read more...

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Democratic presidential candidates Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren have proposed a wealth tax as a way to increase government funding and reduce income inequality, but critics of such proposals argue they can cause more harm than benefits. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of a wealth tax.Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Following reports of disturbing behavior by disaffected loners at the fringes of high society, the FBI released a joint intelligence bulletin Thursday warning moviegoers that screenings of the film Downton Abbey could be a potential target for shootings by disgruntled royalists. “The individuals in question…Read more...

After undergoing a minimally invasive surgery for artery blockage, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is resting in “good spirits” and has canceled campaign events until further notice. What do you think?Read more...

EAST AURORA, NY—Apologizing to customers for mistakenly boosting their children far past the height of the average kitchen table, Fisher-Price officials announced Thursday that they had recalled thousands of dangerous 30-foot-tall high chairs. “After a thorough investigation, we have determined that the risk of a…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Recalling the character’s unanticipated popularity with viewers, producers of the hit ’90s TV series Seinfeld told reporters Thursday that in the original version of the show’s pilot, Jerry is the victim of a grisly murder. “The death of this minor character 10 minutes into the first episode was supposed…Read more...

With Halloween just around the corner, OGN is paying tribute to the absolute greatest scares in gaming history. Read on, if you dare, for the most terrifying horror games of all time.Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Removing the item from her Amazon shopping cart, local server Melanie Avila confirmed Thursday that she was holding off on buying herself new headphones so her boyfriend can surprise her with a shittier pair for her birthday. “I have my eye on these really nice Bose noise-canceling Bluetooth headphones, but…Read more...

ATLANTA—Adorning their headquarters with wreaths of vomitous greens, cyanotic purple bunting, and jolly, glittering papier-mâché viruses, researchers and clinicians at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention began putting up decorations Thursday for the 2019 influenza season. “Coming to work is fun this time of…Read more...

A new set of guidelines published Monday in the Annals of Internal Medicine contradicts the widely held belief that cutting back on red and processed meat can be beneficial for an individual’s health, suggesting that they instead continue normal levels of consumption. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Calling it a necessary step in lieu of state legislation challenging student athletes’ unpaid status, the NCAA announced a new rule Thursday forcing athletes to remove all facial features to prevent them from profiting off their likenesses. “We take the amateur nature of our student athletes very…Read more...

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SEATTLE—In a stern company-wide email sent to its more than 650,000 employees worldwide, Amazon reportedly issued a reminder Wednesday that the company expressly forbids bringing outside thoughts into the workplace. “This policy is stated clearly in our employee manual and posted prominently in every breakroom, but…Read more...

Leaked audio comments from Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg feature him venting his frustrations with Elizabeth Warren’s plan to break up big tech companies such as Facebook and suggesting that he would mount a legal challenge against the U.S. government to stave off this possibility. What do you think?Read more...

Jennifer Lopez and Shakira announced they will appear together onstage for the first time headlining the 2020 Super Bowl Pepsi Halftime show. What do you think?Read more...

DEATH VALLEY, CA—Commanding that the heinous term shall not be uttered in the halls of their sacred temple, the cloistered enclave of truest of the true believers declared Wednesday that Father-Brother, His Holiness, Master of All The Spheres and Stars, has repeatedly stated that this is not a cult. “For the ninth and…Read more...

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