The Onion

CALGARY, ALBERTA—Laying the blame squarely at the feet of those who pushed the state-of-the-art pipe system towards self-sabotage, Canadian oil company TC Energy held a press conference Friday to announce that the Keystone Pipeline’s 9,000-barrel leak was due to protestors making it lose confidence in itself. “Having…Read more...

NEW YORK—Continuing the show’s much-lauded commitment to inclusivity, the producers of Sesame Street introduced a paranoid-schizophrenic Muppet Friday specifically conceived to help educate kids about Pat Sajak stealing their empty tuna cans. “For certain children, awareness of threats posed by the Wheel Of Fortune…Read more...

In a surprise move, the NCAA’s board of governors voted unanimously to allow college athletes to be compensated for the use of their name, image, and likeness. What do you think?Read more...

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KENNEBUNK, ME—Springing out of his characteristic ennui immediately upon hearing the knock at the restroom’s door, local man Ethan Finney reportedly announced, “Someone’s in here,” Friday at Sunflower Café in the first real assertion of his own existence in months. “One second! I’m in here!” said Finne, affirming the…Read more...

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CLIFTON, NJ—Saying he was unwilling to take any chances with his safety, local man Jay Tierney confirmed Thursday that he made sure to ask every trick-or-treater if they’re the real Dracula, just in case. “Obviously, Halloween can be a lot of fun, but if you show up at my doorstep with fangs and a cape, I’m gonna need…Read more...

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In a post staking out a stark contrast with Facebook’s stance, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced that Twitter will no longer run political ads, saying that he believes “political message reach should be earned, not bought.” What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Describing the French Canadian municipality as a “world-class city,” Nationals players admitted Thursday that their World Series win would be way sweeter if the franchise stilled played in Montréal. “We’ve never really considered D.C. our home, and we all grew up bleeding Expos blue,” said World Series MVP…Read more...

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District Judge Myron Thompson issued a ruling blocking the Human Life Protection Act from taking effect pending legal action, saying the Alabama ban—which bars abortions even in the case of incest or rape—would likely be shown to “violate an individual’s constitutional right to obtain a pre-viability abortion.” What…Read more...

Each fall, we welcome the sight of jack-o’-lanterns. They beautify our porches, light the paths to our doors, and, of course, frighten evil spirits away from the premises. As we wonder what lurks behind their mischievous grins, these pumpkins add a sense of mystery to our Halloweens. A bit too much mystery, in my…Read more...

Good news Witcher fans! After months of speculation over Netflix’s upcoming production, and growing worry that major elements from the books and the Witcher games would be cut out of the show, producers have finally put those concerns to rest by assuring gamers that all 400 side quests from The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt…Read more...

HOUSTON—Saying the offer for such good seats at the deciding game of the World Series was too good to pass up, Houston Astros fan Victor Buckley was announcing game seven Wednesday after Joe Buck scalped his press pass for $25,000. “I went down there before the game hoping to score a ticket, and this guy was just…Read more...

Murray Energy, the largest private coal miner in the United States, filed for bankruptcy protection due to its $1.7 billion in liabilities, a testament to the rapid decline of coal in the energy sector and the rise of renewables. What do you think?Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Expressing their desire to get in on the ground floor of what they see as an exciting investment opportunity, top Silicon Valley executives reportedly took a meeting Wednesday with the Sonoma County–based Kincade Fire after being impressed by its rapid expansion. “We’ve seen the moves you’re making and…Read more...

Carving jack-o’-lanterns from pumpkins is one of the most fun and rewarding Halloween activities. The Onion offers tips for pumpkin carving that will make your jack-o’-lantern the envy of the neighborhood.Read more...

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IRVING, TEXAS—Hailing the new gas stations as a “one-of-a-kind” refueling experience, ExxonMobil officials announced Wednesday that they had created a custom, eight-course gasoline tasting menu for luxury cars. “When vehicles pull up to one of our ExxonMobil prix fixe gas stations, they should feel like they are going…Read more...

Following a campaign of pressure from Republicans in Congress, the House of Representatives will vote this week to formalize the procedure of its impeachment inquiry. What do you think?Read more...

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THE HEAVENS—Shaking His head at what a troublemaker He once was, the Lord God, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, reportedly paused Wednesday to recall a youthful incident in which He dismembered and tortured an angel out of a mix of curiosity and sheer boredom. “I was always seeing if I could catch…Read more...

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ERIE, PA—Solemnly describing a game cut tragically short, local man Patrick Howard told reporters Tuesday that he remembers exactly where he was in Final Fantasy X when he heard about 9/11. “I was well into my third match of Blitzball when my roommate walked in and told me to change the channel,” said Howard, vividly…Read more...

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the 48-year-old leader of ISIS, has been killed in a daring U.S. raid, the Trump Administration announced on Sunday, bringing an end to his nine-year reign of the brutal organization. What do you think?Read more...

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The U.S. deficit grew $205 billion, or 26%, in the past fiscal year, soaring despite a sound economy due to spending increases and tax cuts for the wealthy. What do you think?Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Inhaling deeply while suppressing the horror of what he witnessed earlier that day, exterminator Paul Young took a moment Tuesday to compose himself in the driveway so that his kids would not have to deal with the fact that he witnessed the death of a cricket at work. “This is my burden to bear, not…Read more...

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AL-HOL, SYRIA—Amidst the shake-up following the sudden death of Islamic State caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, sources confirmed Monday that local ISIS fighter Youssef Khalil al-Noury found himself uncertain whom to contact to submit his request for personal time off. “I’ve really been looking forward to this vacation and…Read more...

Eric Trump announced that the Trump Organization may sell its Washington D.C. hotel, which has earned the president $80 million in revenue since taking office. What do you think?Read more...

Listen up gamers, because boy do we have a deal for you! Starting today, you can save $60 just by exhibiting some fiscal responsibility for once in your life and not buying the new Call Of Duty game. That’s right! If you muster up just a teensy bit of restraint, you’ll be able to pocket $60 and start working your way…Read more...

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OMAHA, NE—Demonstrating intellectual ability far surpassing any other member of its species, H4B3447, the greatest genius in cow history, has been killed, butchered, packaged, and eaten, agricultural sources confirmed Monday. According to those familiar with the animal, H4B3447 demonstrated problem-solving and…Read more...

The World Health Organization announced this week that Type 3 polio has been eradicated, making it the second out of three types of the devastating infectious disease to be wiped out and paving the way for the final form of the disease to be eliminated in Afghanistan and Pakistan, where it continues to circulate. What…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Visibly annoyed after his auction closed with a winning bid far below his expectations, actor Matt Damon begrudgingly accepted $50 Monday from the eBay auction of his cast and crew jacket from the sci-fi thriller The Martian. “I sort of don’t want to part with my only memento from my time on that set, but…Read more...

BUFFALO—Bragging about his own hardcore dedication to being removed from sports facilities, local fan Rob Henderson reportedly questioned Sunday how his acquaintance Derek Shaw could possibly call himself a fan of the Buffalo Bills if he had never been banned from entering New Era Field. “Listen, I’ve been banned from…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Repeatedly pointing out that the 71-year-old former player was only good when it did not count, local dad Jim Paulson reported Sunday that the old guy being honored on the field always choked in the playoffs. “People are acting like he was some all-time great; he was decent, but he always lost steam…Read more...

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far…Read more...

Trump is urging all federal agencies to cancel their subscriptions to The New York Times and The Washington Post, calling the former a “fake newspaper” and saying “we don’t even want it in the White House anymore.” What do you think?Read more...

ROME—In an effort to provide a striking visual to drive home the severity of both venial and mortal transgressions, Pope Francis made a demonstration of the dangers of sin to his flock Friday by revealing a cross-section of a soul that had been blackened and desiccated by wickedness. “I know the idea of ‘sin’ in and…Read more...

We found this mouth crawling around our office and it is extremely annoying. If this is your mouth, please come pick it up. We have no use for it here.

SAN FRANCISCO—With blazes engulfing Sonoma County and smoke-filled skies blanketing much of the Bay Area, officials in California announced Friday they would attempt to mitigate any further spread of wildfires with a mandatory shutoff of oxygen to thousands of the state’s residents. “In order to eliminate factors that…Read more...

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POUGHQUAG, NY—Completely ignoring the fruit’s coloring and texture, local dumbass Luke Jordan reportedly opted for an overripe McIntosh Red when picking apples Friday, even though a Pink Lady was clearly the best variety available given the region’s topography and the lateness of the harvest season. “God, what a…Read more...