by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#48CZW)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-04 04:15 |
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#48CXQ)
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by The Onion on (#48CXR)
AUSTIN, TX—Marking the end of the nearly four-hour televised event, Super Bowl party attendees confirmed Sunday that it is now the part of the night where everyone just sort of goes around and remembers which commercials they liked. “I loved the one with the celebrities who showed up as their most memorable…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#48CVH)
ATLANTA—Promising that he would go to bed “right after†the game ended, Rams head coach Sean McVay begged his mother to let him stay up Sunday night so he can call plays for the rest of Super Bowl LIII. “C’mon, Mom, just one more hour! Pretty please! We’re so close, I can’t just pause the game now,†said McVay,…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#48CVJ)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#48CSB)
ATLANTA—Disappointing the thousands of fans in attendance as well as an estimated 100 million viewers watching at home, the Super Bowl LII halftime show was marred Sunday by the stadium’s functioning sound system, sources confirmed. “Right from the beginning, the sound was working normally, and unfortunately, I could…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#48CSC)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#48CSD)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#48CSE)
ATLANTA—Claiming that he had been looking forward to the gathering, Rams quarterback Jared Goff told reporters Sunday that he was totally pissed about missing his friend’s annual Super Bowl party for work. “Dan’s Super Bowl parties are always the best. He has a huge TV and springs for really good beer—it’s such…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#48CSF)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#48CPV)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#48CPW)
ATLANTA—Begging for mercy while watching his arms wither and skin wrinkle, a rapidly aging Tom Brady cried out for an old crone Sunday as her spell began to wear off in the middle of Super Bowl LIII. “Please, wicked conjurer of misfortune, don’t do this to me now, all I ask is for another quarter of precious youth,â€â€¦Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#48CPX)
ATLANTA—Shouting “touchdown!†while pushing the Patriots’ tight end along the sidelines, nurse Miranda Silva told a wheelchair-bound, concussed Rob Gronkowski Sunday that he was at the Super Bowl with all his friends. “Look, it’s your friend Tom! Your remember Tom, right? And Bill is here, too, Bill is your coach,â€â€¦Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#48CCX)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#48CCY)
NEW YORK—Noting that their youth would likely be a major factor in determining the outcome of Puppy Bowl XV, analysts noted Sunday that the inexperienced players on Team Ruff still hadn’t opened their eyes yet. “It’s hard to see how Team Ruff is going to be able to compete with Team Fluff given that its puppies lack…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#48C4Z)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#48C87)
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by The Onion on (#48937)
A University of Calgary study found that children from ages 2-5 who engage in three or more hours of screen use daily suffer lower test scores, a finding that the authors linked to diminished interactions with the environment and caregivers. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#488NS)
A recent study found that the majority of parents rely on cold-prevention strategies that have little to no scientific support. The Onion debunks popular myths about preventing colds.Read more...
by The Onion on (#488H2)
SANTA ROSA, CA—Admitting the man standing on the ledge of the roof had really “got them good,†the crowd gathered at Santa Rosa Plaza admitted to reporters Friday they felt pretty silly after spending all that time pleading with a rooftop sniper not to jump. “Boy, do I feel stupid for telling that guy he had so much…Read more...
by The Onion on (#488H3)
Former Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams will give the rebuttal to President Trump’s State of the Union address next week. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#488H4)
MILTON, WI—Saying that she was still adjusting to the physical aftereffects of her difficult childbirth, new mother Tina Quinn admitted Friday she was still a bit self-conscious about the scar where Skyler, her healthy 7-pound, 8-ounce newborn, punched his way out of her stomach. “I know it’s kind of a silly thing to…Read more...
by The Onion on (#486Y3)
An estimate from the CBO found that the recent shutdown cost the U.S. economy roughly $11 billion by dampening economic activity and furloughing federal workers. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#486TQ)
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by The Onion on (#486PN)
ZHENGZHOU, CHINA—According to sources within the facility responsible for manufacturing the majority of iPhones, Foxconn’s first fully automated assembly-line robot immediately attempted suicide after being powered up Thursday. “Unfortunately, the new robot we designed to assemble Apple products tried to take its own…Read more...
by The Onion on (#486PP)
SANTA ROSA, CA—In a troubling study released by the California Parenting Institute on Thursday, behavioral experts found convincing evidence indicating that the excessive use of cell phones, computers, and other devices greatly increases a child’s risk of becoming an influencer. “Our research strongly suggests that…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4863B)
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In what economists are calling a “significant infusion of cash†for the three-bedroom duplex, area parents Kevin and Elaine Broward have pumped $66 dollars into the economy of a local apartment, sources confirmed Thursday. “We expect this stimulus to be a real boon to household spending, with tenants…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#485M7)
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by The Onion on (#485M8)
Polar winds are bringing historic cold to the midwest this week, with Chicago expected to reach as low as -20º fahrenheit for the first time since the mid-1990s. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#483AD)
NEW YORK—Once more breathing life into the countless rumors and fan theories that have swirled since the series began, HBO released a new Game Of Thrones trailer Wednesday that suggests the eighth and final season will at long last reveal the identity of the hit show’s sword-covered chair. “We’re excited to finally…Read more...
by The Onion on (#483AE)
BELLEVUE, WA—As a result of a coverage extension the wireless provider was calling a “game-changer†for their customers, T-Mobile officials announced Wednesday that their service will now reach up to 70 percent of your apartment. “You spoke up, and we listened. We’re pleased to confirm that T-Mobile will provide even…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4834E)
After a dramatic pre-dawn arrest by the FBI, political consultant Roger Stone indicated that he is open to cooperating with Robert Mueller in the ongoing probe of the Trump campaign. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4834F)
HUDSON, NY—Expressing shock to find himself in a situation from the silver screen, local man Kevin Perry revealed Wednesday that his wife had died from stage-3 lymphoma just like in a Hollywood movie. “Man oh man, look at little old me, recently bereaved and struggling with a deep sense of loss like I’m smack dab out…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4834G)
Super Bowl LIII will pit AFC champion New England Patriots against NFC champion Los Angeles Rams to determine whether Patriots fans can find it within themselves to get even more fucking obnoxious. The Onion takes a look at the key storylines for each team leading up to the big game.Read more...
by The Onion on (#481MD)
U.S. and Taliban peace talks have produced a tentative agreement, which would see a pullout of American troops in exchange for a ceasefire and talks with the Afghan government that could potentially bring an end to America’s longest war. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#481FW)
MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that this week’s extreme wind chills were starting to get to her, Minnesota resident Anne Mauer confirmed Tuesday that she’s seriously thinking of packing it all up and moving somewhere warm like Michigan. “The winters here can be so brutal. Maybe it’s about time I go someplace down south like…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#481C1)
ATLANTA—Calling the correspondence enlightening and a “window into his mind,†Rams head coach Sean McVay told reporters Tuesday that Bill Belichick occasionally texted him photos of dead animals after regular season games. “It’s always great when a legend like coach Belichick reaches out to you with a picture of a…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4812X)
DENVER, CO—Finding themselves unable to explain the mystery woman’s presence in the lunchroom, grade-school sources confirmed Tuesday that older cafeteria monitor Esther Lowry was not a teacher or parent or anything. “Mrs. Makings volunteers in our classroom sometimes because she’s Josh’s mom, but Mrs. Lowry is here…Read more...
by The Onion on (#480RJ)
Sony Pictures is planning a direct sequel to the 1984 science-fiction comedy Ghostbusters, ignoring the 2016 all-female reboot. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#480RK)
BURBANK, CA—Upon the release of the much-awaited third installment of the popular video game franchise, the Walt Disney Company announced Tuesday that Kingdom Hearts III would feature Ernest, Turner, Hooch, and all the rest of your favorite Touchstone Pictures characters. “In addition to incorporating elements from…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#480RM)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#480RN)
BOULDER, CO—Claiming that anyone with even a little bit of pride in their company would have dismissed such a terrible employee by now, telemarketer David Baker, 29, said Tuesday that he was losing respect for the “obviously incompetent†boss who continues not to fire him. “He called me into his office about a month…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#480KW)
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by The Onion on (#47Z9R)
The Doomsday Clock, created by the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists as an indicator of the risk of doomsday, remained at two minutes to midnight this year due to significant threats of nuclear warfare and climate change. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#47Z9S)
WASHINGTON—With the federal government back open this week, food safety officials at the U.S. Department of Agriculture reported Monday that they had begun a round of quick smell tests in order to inspect the sizeable backlog of meat that had piled up over the course of 35 days. “The shutdown put us really far behind…Read more...
by The Onion on (#47Z32)
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Admitting that their tentative accord to end the war in Afghanistan came with some reservations, Taliban officials announced Monday that they had agreed to a peace deal despite their concerns about America’s human-rights record. “We’re willing to come to the table to achieve a peace between our two…Read more...