The Onion

YARMOUTH, MA—Shaking their heads in dismay at the clueless couple’s child-rearing difficulties, onlookers speculated Thursday that a husband and wife trying to screw their infant son into a light bulb socket must be first-time parents. “Boy, I know there’s a learning curve for raising a kid, but it doesn’t make it any…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Shedding new light upon the religious figure’s state after the Resurrection, archeologists from the University of Oxford discovered new evidence Thursday revealing that Christ suffered severe brain damage during his time lying dead in the tomb. “Although Christ was able to rise after his period in the tomb,…Read more...

Cautioning that the findings needed to be reproduced in a larger sample size, scientists giving healthy volunteers a cocktail of growth hormones and diabetes medications found they lost an average of 2.5 years from their biological age after one year. What do you think?Read more...

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President Trump fired John Bolton from his position as national security advisor, noting that the warhawk often conflicted with him on foreign policy matters. What do you think?Read more...

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ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—With its organizers hailing the temporary site as the city’s hottest destination this week, a new pop-up national park offers 500 square feet of pristine wilderness for the next two days, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Starting bright and early this morning and continuing through dusk tomorrow, the…Read more...

Apple revealed three new phones in its lineup at Tuesday’s press conference that add an improved camera and battery life, alongside an upgraded iPad and Apple Watch. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Taking a moment Wednesday to reflect on the historic tragedy, millions of Americans across the country solemnly recalled the terror and devastation visited upon their country by the 9/11 15th-anniversary media coverage. “It was so traumatizing to turn on the television that day and witness the horrific kinds…Read more...

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VALDOSTA, GA—Urging the feisty senior to pace herself, concerned Jackson family sources confirmed Wednesday that rowdy grandmother Arlene Jackson was seen careening around her son-in-law’s birthday party double-fisting grandchildren. “Nana’s got her arms so full of grandbabies that she’s practically falling over—she…Read more...

MILTON, MA—Wincing at the smell of formaldehyde as she entered the beauty school morgue, cosmetology student Linda Emerson admitted Wednesday that she was nervous for the part of her studies where she’d have to cut hair on cadavers. “I know it’s important to practice before you give a haircut to a living, breathing…Read more...

Touting safety features such as sharing your location with friends, Facebook Dating rolled out its service in the U.S., bringing a Hinge or Tinder-like interface to the social media giant. What do you think?Read more...

Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iPhone 11 at a press conference on Tuesday. The Onion runs down the most significant features and specs of the new iPhone.Read more...

NEW YORK—Sitting silently cross-legged as the light breeze and rhythmic breathing focused his mind, ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith retreated to a tranquil, secluded fig tree on Tuesday to contemplate the meaning of the NFL’s first week. “The great mysteries of Baker Mayfield’s performance still elude me, I must focus…Read more...

LEXINGTON, KY—Admitting that she may have a dependency issue with the soothing Celestial Seasonings herbal infusion, longtime Sleepytime Tea addict Katie Ball divulged Tuesday that she must consume six bags of the sedative brew in order to merely feel drowsy. “I started using Sleepytime to treat insomnia, which worked…Read more...

A new Washington Post-ABC News poll found 89% of Americans support requiring background checks for all Americans, in addition to finding that a significant majority support red flag laws and other gun safety measures. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Capping off weeks of protest from local parents and students alike, the Indianapolis Motor Speedway was forced to lower its speed limit to 20 mph Tuesday after an elementary school opened next to the straightaway. “If any IndyCar motorists are found speeding near Lincoln Elementary between the hours of 7…Read more...

Calling all DOOM fans! Drop whatever you’re doing and get ready for a serious nostalgia trip for this unforgettable retro shooter: This office requires a keycard to get inside!Read more...

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LYNCHBURG, VA—Expressing fears that the recent scandal could harm the institution’s reputation, members of the Liberty University board told reporters Monday they were concerned investigations into Jerry Falwell Jr.’s corruption risked undermining the college’s core mission of subjugating women and gay people. “When…Read more...

LYNCHBURG, VA—In an effort to quell backlash following allegations of ongoing malfeasance, Liberty University president Jerry Falwell Jr. recounted Monday the story of Jesus Christ getting revenge on the apostle who ratted out his corruption schemes. “As people of faith, we all must remember the valuable lesson in the…Read more...

Following a suicide attack that killed an American soldier and 11 others in the capital of Kabul, President Trump called off secret Camp David peace talks slated to be held with Taliban’s leaders. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shortly after it became widespread public knowledge that the research institution had accepted contributions from the late convicted sex offender, the MIT Media Lab announced Monday that it had agreed to return all of Jeffrey Epstein’s donated girls. “As soon as we learned that several high-level Lab…Read more...

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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Providing insights into the emerging agricultural and nutritional practices of early human society, historians at Harvard University presented evidence Wednesday revealing that multiple centers of civilization developed chicken tender baskets independently of one another. “Although we once believed these…Read more...

If you’ve got questions about Nintendo’s flagship Mario game for the N64, you’ve come to the right place, because we’re breaking down everything we know so far about Super Mario 64.Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that her beloved nana had grown up in the 1930s and that things had changed since then, local woman Patrice Weppler spent Monday taking her grandma’s famous beef stroganoff recipe and gussying it up to be less poor. “There’s nothing I love more than nana’s cooking, but also, I’m not sure she’d mind…Read more...

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SPARTANBURG, SC—Following an announcement earlier this week in which he acknowledged his own homosexuality, former conversion therapy practitioner McKrae Game apologized Friday for the harm his work has caused and offered to electrocute his past patients into being gay again. “Anyone who received electroshock therapy…Read more...

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DALLAS—Referring to the practice as a sound investment that too few players make, Ezekiel Elliott’s financial advisor urged the running back Friday to set aside 20% of his annual salary for paying off women to keep quiet. “We’re thrilled about Zeke’s contract extension, but that money isn’t going to last forever. He…Read more...

ALBANY, NY—Observing that the choicest bits were long gone, a local fly confirmed Friday that by the time it discovered the piece of dog shit near a tree in Ridgefield Park, the defecation had been pretty well picked over. “Dang, you can tell this was some real primo shit, probably from a pit bull or something,” said…Read more...

DES PLAINES, IL—Admitting they would never be able to afford a place without sharing expenses, the nation’s 30-year-olds announced Friday that they had pooled all their resources to buy a 1,100-square-foot, two-bedroom bungalow together. “It may not seem like much for a few million people, but we can finish the…Read more...

Nigeria, the last country in Africa to report cases of the wild poliovirus, will mark three years since it witnessed its most recent outbreak of polio, suggesting that the continent will be declared polio-free if no additional cases are found before the end of the year. What do you think?Read more...

WHAT REMAINS OF PHILADELPHIA—Turning the existing paradigm for gathering protein completely on its head, the greatest living tech genius of 2120 devised a revolutionary concept of utilizing a sharp stick to harvest termites roughly a century from Friday. “The one known to us as ‘Ka’ has disrupted the entire…Read more...

With more than one-fifth of American students speaking a language other than English at home, a number that continues to rise, there’s a growing case for bilingual education as a foundational component of the U.S. system; critics, however, maintain that it’s unnecessary. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of…Read more...

Well, gamers, what can we say; sometimes you just mess up. Yesterday, we published an article that betrayed all of our journalistic standards, a review that went against the very ideals that make OGN great. But after discovering the mistake, we are committed to making things right. That is why, after finding out we…Read more...

ATLANTA—In an effort to glean more information on the continuing epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly launched an investigation Friday as a third teen showed up dead after wandering into the mysterious cloud of vape mist that’s been spreading across the country. “It’s too early to…Read more...

LAVALLETTE, NJ—Expressing frustration at being subject to an endless barrage of requests, Academy Award-winning actor Joe Pesci told reporters Thursday that he was “completely sick” of fans asking to take a photo with him while blowtorching his scalp. “It’s gotten so bad that I can’t even go out to eat with my family…Read more...

The World Health Organization says there’s not enough evidence to suggest a human health risk from microplastics associated with biofilms in drinking water, suggesting concerns about the tiny particles may be premature, although additional research is needed. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—As a team of producers stood on the shore and begged her to reconsider, Kim Kardashian West reportedly rowed a boat out into the Pacific Ocean on Thursday in an attempt to escape Los Angeles, having discovered the past dozen years of her life have all been part of a television show.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Revamping its business model as it reportedly prepares to file for bankruptcy, retail fashion chain Forever 21 debuted a brand-new, multi-city ad campaign Thursday to remind teenage consumers that parents don’t notice if, every once in a while, a $20 bill goes missing from their wallet. “We’re refocusing…Read more...

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Even as the White House has discussed payroll tax cuts to stimulate the economy, the Congressional Budget Office found the U.S. deficit will reach $1 trillion next year due to Trump administration policies that largely favor the rich. What do you think?Read more...

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