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Updated 2025-09-16 12:54
Fan Going To See How First Few Games Go Before Declaring Moral Objection To Watching NFL
LAKE WORTH, FL—Preparing to denounce football as a dangerous sport that takes advantage of athletes as soon as he could determine his favorite team had no hope of making the playoffs, local Dolphins fan Brad Abbott announced Sunday that he was going to check out the first couple games of the season before declaring a…Read more...
Biden To Decide On 2020 Run By January
Former Vice President Joe Biden has given himself a deadline of January 2019 to decide on whether to run for president. What do you think?Read more...
Vaping By The Numbers
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‘New York Times’ Publishes Bombshell Anonymous Opinion Article From White House Insider
The New York Times published an opinion piece from an anonymous White House senior official criticizing President Trump and noting many members of his administration are working to “thwart parts of his agenda and his worst inclinations.” What do you think?Read more...
Eiffel Tower Finally Completed
PARIS—Expressing immense pride that the nearly 130-year-long construction project had come to an end, French architects held a press conference Friday to announce that the Eiffel Tower had finally been completed. “After countless delays in construction, we are pleased to announce that the Eiffel Tower’s original…Read more...
New Study Confirms This Didn’t Even Feel Like A 4-Day Work Week
ROCHESTER, NY—In what researchers deemed “a total slog from start to finish,” a new study published Friday by the University of Rochester confirmed that this didn’t even feel like a four-day work week. “Despite initial rest and rejuvenation that came with having Monday off, our research found that everybody got…Read more...
MTA Official Too Nervous To Tell Commuters Waiting For Train That Service Shut Down Permanently An Hour Ago
NEW YORK—Growing increasingly anxious as tempers flared on the crowded platform, Metropolitan Transportation Authority planning director William Wheeler was reportedly too nervous Friday to tell commuters waiting for their train that service shut down permanently an hour ago. “Oh, God, I just don’t have the nerve to…Read more...
Deformed, Half-Feathered Audubon Society President Flees Into Forest After Injecting Self With Bird DNA
NEW YORK—Breaking into a grotesque, flapping half-run as his knees reversed themselves and pinion feathers burst wetly from his elongating fingers, rapidly deforming National Audubon Society president David Yarnold leapt through a window of his Manhattan office and flew in a series of ungainly swooping lurches towards…Read more...
‘Rock The Caliphate’ Charity Concert Features U2, Ed Sheeran, Dua Lipa Coming Together To Raise Money For Struggling Islamic State
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide much-needed assistance to the beleaguered terrorist organization, a charity concert known as Rock The Caliphate—featuring U2, Ed Sheeran, Dua Lipa, and other top musical acts—was held last night to raise money for the struggling Islamic State.Read more...
Man Discovers Huge Cache Of Rare Fossils While Walking Through Natural History Museum
LOS ANGELES—Amazed by the archeological treasure trove he described as “hiding in plain sight,” museumgoer Nolan Terrell stumbled across a huge cache of rare fossils Friday while walking through the Natural History Museum of Los Angeles. “My first thought was that this is a gold mine—there’s a massive diversity of…Read more...
Is Football Bad For The NFL?
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Returning Jesus Christ Downed By U.S. Missile Defense 30,000 Feet Before Making Landfall
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I Love My Children, But Not Enough To Make Them Corn On The Cob
My three children are the greatest joys in my life, and raising them has given me a sense of purpose that I never knew was possible. But at a certain point, you’ve got to draw the line: I love my children, but not enough to make them corn on the cob.Read more...
2018 NFL Season Storylines To Watch
The 2018 NFL season kicked off on Thursday, as the Philadelphia Eagles sought to give their fans an opportunity to destroy their own city in celebration for the second year in a row. The Onion takes a look at the biggest storylines going into the 2018 NFL season.Read more...
Facebook Employee Group Aims To Promote Political Diversity
A group of 100 Facebook employees have joined an internal group promoting political diversity at the social media giant, criticizing the company’s perceived “liberal monoculture.” What do you think?Read more...
Fucking Idiot Has Perfect GIF For That
SAN JOSE, CA—Reveling at the opportunity to respond to an online post with the quintessential short, silent video loop, local fucking idiot Greg Knott told reporters Thursday that he has the perfect GIF for that. “Oh, man, this is totally spot-on,” announced the knuckle-dragging dumbass whose very existence is a…Read more...
‘The Onion’ Has Chosen To Publish An Anonymous Op-Ed From Two Sources Close To Trump Who Think Their Dad Is The Best President Ever
Today, The Onion is making an unusual editorial decision, and we want to explain why. As turmoil continues to increase within the Trump White House, this essay offers an invaluable high-level perspective into the administration’s inner workings. Due to the sensitive nature of this op-ed, revealing the identities of…Read more...
Woman Would Have Had Awesome Time Aborting Fetus If It Weren’t For Angry Protestors Screaming Outside Clinic
MILWAUKEE, WI—Disappointed at the outcome of the event she’d been eagerly awaiting for weeks, local woman Hannah Kaperski told reporters Thursday that she would have had an awesome time terminating her unwanted pregnancy if it weren’t for the angry protestors screaming outside the clinic. “It’s just such a bummer—you…Read more...
Is It Fair To Not Pay College Football Players When The Mascots Make $10,000,000 A Year?
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Fabled Lost City Of Gold Finally Discovered Off I-95 Outside Baltimore
EL DORADO, MD—Long after historians, explorers, and even the most dedicated treasure hunters had given up the fabled lost city of gold as apocryphal, El Dorado has finally been discovered a few hundred yards off the I-95 Interstate outside Baltimore. “The conquistadors sought it in South America, Ponce de León looked…Read more...
Purina Introduces ‘Own Shit’ Dog Food Flavor
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Aging Tom Brady Decides To Conserve Energy By No Longer Returning Kicks
FOXBORO, MA—Phasing out one of the most famous and explosive parts of his game, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady told reporters Thursday that he plans to protect his body this season by no longer returning kicks. “I’m not in my 20s anymore, when I could return four or five kicks a game. I just don’t have the stamina to…Read more...
Clothes Come To Forefront As Major Theme In This Year’s New York Fashion Week
NEW YORK—Predicting that attire will almost certainly become one of the hottest style trends of 2019, attendees of New York fashion week confirmed Thursday that this year’s major theme has been clothes. “No matter where you look this fashion week, from Gabriela Hearst to Calvin Klein, every runway—without fail—has…Read more...
Report: Dog’s Nose Must Really Itch If He Willing To Repeatedly Kick Self In Face That Hard
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2018 NFL Season By The Numbers
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Disillusioned Woman Now Wondering If Any Of Her Magical Vagina Stones Have Healing Powers
TEMPE, AZ—Upon learning lifestyle company Goop had settled a lawsuit over false claims it made about the health benefits of its jade egg product, disillusioned local woman Melissa Salani reportedly began to question Wednesday whether any of her magical vagina stones actually possessed healing powers. “If my jade egg…Read more...
Carl Bernstein Weeps Uncontrollably After Learning Bob Woodward Wrote A President Book Without Him
WASHINGTON—Tearfully confessing that the release of Fear: Trump In The White House had left him totally and completely blindsided, renowned journalist Carl Bernstein could be seen weeping uncontrollably Wednesday after learning Bob Woodward had written a president book without him. “Reporting on corruption at the…Read more...
Nike Makes Colin Kaepernick Face Of New Ad Campaign
Nike announced that it will make Colin Kaepernick, who sparked controversy by kneeling during the national anthem to protest racial injustice, the face of its most recent “Just Do It” ad campaign. What do you think?Read more...
Shohei Ohtani Regrets Not Researching Which Teams Were Good Before Signing With Angels
ANAHEIM, CA—Kicking himself for not considering the potential consequences of his hasty career decision, Shohei Ohtani told reporters Wednesday that he regrets not researching which teams were good prior to signing with the Los Angeles Angels. “Man, looking back, I definitely should have done a quick Google search for…Read more...
Amazon Reaches 1 Trillion Labor Violations
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World’s Cartographers Continue Living Secret Life Of Luxury On Idyllic, Never Disclosed 8th Continent
THE PACIFIC OCEAN—Pausing to briefly reflect on their immense good fortune between long sessions of nude sunbathing and plucking perfectly ripe tropical fruit from the rare vegetation surrounding them, the world’s cartographers reportedly continued living their secret lives of luxury this week on the idyllic,…Read more...
The Onion’s Guide To Twitch
Twitch is the leading site for livestreaming video games, with over 15 million active daily users. The Onion presents a guide to everything you need to know about Twitch.Read more...
Two-Faced House Guest Who Didn’t Need Anything Suddenly Wants Glass Of Water
LANCASTER, PA—Proving herself to be high maintenance and untrustworthy, two-faced house guest Anna Smithayer, who reportedly insisted that she didn’t need anything Wednesday, suddenly wanted a glass of water. “Who the fuck goes back on their word like that? One minute she’s like, ‘Oh, I’m all set,’ and the next she’s…Read more...
HBO Ending Its Skinemax Offerings
Noting declining demand for such softcore options, HBO announced that it would remove erotic adult movies and TV shows such as Cat House and Real Sex from its channels and streaming services. What do you think?Read more...
The Backlash Continues: Colin Kaepernick Is Joining The Nike Boycott After Learning It Doesn’t Make Top Hats
Nike has been under fire since revealing its new ad campaign featuring controversial former NFL player Colin Kaepernick on Monday, and it looks like the situation just got worse for the company: Colin Kaepernick is joining the Nike boycott after learning it doesn’t make top hats.Read more...
Trump Disapproval Rating At All-Time High
According to a Washington Post–ABC News poll, roughly 60 percent of Americans disapprove of President Trump’s performance, while 63 percent support Robert Mueller and 50 percent favor initiating impeachment proceedings. What do you think?Read more...
PR Disaster: Nike Is Under Fire After It Released An Ad Featuring A Photo Of Colin Kaepernick That Was Way Too Close Up
Well, this is exactly the kind of disaster situation that PR teams have nightmares about: Nike is getting absolutely blasted after it released an ad featuring a photo of Colin Kaepernick that was way too close up.Read more...
Literary Theorists Admit They Still Have No Idea What Animal Farm About
CHICAGO—Speculating that the novella must be relying on “symbolism or something,” the nation’s preeminent literary theorists admitted Tuesday that they still have no clue what George Orwell’s 1945 work Animal Farm is about. “The encroaching influence of technology? Industrialized farming? The unpredictable effects of…Read more...
Embarrassed Brett Kavanaugh Can’t Believe He Wore Handmaid Costume On Same Day As Protesters
WASHINGTON—Adjusting the white bonnet and settling into his chair before the start of his confirmation hearing Tuesday, embarrassed Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh reportedly couldn’t believe both he and protestors had chosen to wear handmaid costumes on the same day. “I was feeling so confident in my blood-red…Read more...
David Remnick Quietly Relieved He Won’t Have To Lose Debate To Steve Bannon In Front Of Everyone
NEW YORK—Grateful he was able to avoid what surely would have been a humiliating defeat, New Yorker editor David Remnick quietly expressed relief Tuesday that he wouldn’t have to lose a debate to Steve Bannon next month in front of everyone attending his magazine’s fall festival. “Man, I really dodged a bullet there,”…Read more...
Competitive Adidas Unveils Darren Wilson As New Face Of Brand
PORTLAND, OR—In response to their competitor Nike’s new marketing campaign featuring former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick, Adidas reportedly unveiled former police officer Darren Wilson Tuesday as the new face of the brand. “Darren Wilson represents the values that Adidas stands for—the values of true-blue,…Read more...
I Can No Longer In Good Conscience Eat Meat After Seeing That Tic-Tac-Toe-Playing Chicken At The County Fair
I’ve been a meat eater for 52 years. That’s the way my parents raised me. Chicken, pork, beef, lamb—I ate it all, never giving much thought to where my food actually came from. But something happened to me recently that changed all of that. I witnessed something so incredible, so profound, that I can truly say my…Read more...
Societal Collapse Narrowly Averted After Man Honks Horn At Car Paused At Green Light
STOCKTON, CA—Displaying great courage in the face of looming catastrophe, electrician Tyler Pendleton narrowly averted the complete collapse of society Tuesday by honking his horn at a car that had paused briefly at a green light. “Jesus Christ, you dipshit!” Pendleton said as part of his selfless defense of our…Read more...
California Man Charged With Threatening To Kill ‘Boston Globe’ Employees
A California man was charged with threatening to kill employees of The Boston Globe, whom he called “the enemy of the people.” What do you think?Read more...
Alexander Ovechkin Thrilled To Learn He Won Stanley Cup Last Year
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 4, 2018
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Trail Of Ants Better Be Leading Toward Something Delicious
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Scientists Determine Tingling Sensation Of ASMR Caused By Mass Brain Cell Die-Off
URBANA, IL—In a warning of what they are calling an impending public health crisis, scientists from the University of Illinois announced Monday that the tingling sensation of autonomous sensory meridian response-inducing stimuli, or ASMR, is actually caused by mass cell death in the brain. “What you are feeling in the…Read more...
Nation Baffled By Childless Woman Who Doesn’t Even Have High-Powered Career
AKRON, OH—Unsure what to make of the mid-level salesperson who is both unmarried and not pregnant, Americans were reportedly baffled Monday by Andrea McGovern, a childless 32-year-old woman who doesn’t even have a high-powered career. “She doesn’t seem to be an executive, which is fine, but then why doesn’t she have…Read more...
Alabama Begins Offering Tax Credit To Attract More YouTube Fail Compilations To Be Filmed In State
MONTGOMERY, AL—In an effort to boost the economy and produce more accurate on-screen depictions of the state known as the Heart of Dixie, Alabama governor Kay Ivey signed off on a new creative arts tax credit bill Monday designed and structured to attract film crews creating YouTube “fail compilations” to the state.…Read more...
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