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Updated 2025-07-06 17:30
Kinky Recessive Gene Loves Being Dominated
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While I Don’t Relish Gutting Newspaper Payrolls, Unfortunately Sometimes It’s Necessary So That I Can Have Slightly More Money
In today’s increasingly difficult media landscape, there aren’t always easy solutions to the challenges publishers face. Earlier this week, Tronc, the newspaper company I lead, made the tough decision to lay off 50 percent of our editorial employees at the venerable New York Daily News, stripping dozens of talented…Read more...
Stock Value Of Billions Of Otherwise Worthless Data, Photos, Videos, Opinions Plummets
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Mark Zuckerberg’s Net Worth Plunges Not Even Close To Enough
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Sea Level Rise By The Numbers
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Secret Trump–Cohen Audio Tape Released
In a recently leaked audio recording, attorney Michael Cohen speaks to Donald Trump about a payment to buy the silence of former Playboy model Karen McDougal. What do you think?Read more...
Royals Players Concerned About Fan Who Stuck Out 3-Hour Rain Delay
KANSAS CITY, MO—Sadly watching from the dugout as the lone spectator refused to abandon the game, the players of the Kansas City Royals confirmed this week that they were concerned about a fan who stuck out a three-hour rain delay. “I hope he’s okay, I mean, we appreciate the support, but it’s coming down in sheets…Read more...
Man Feeling Pressure To Give Mom Grandchildren While She Still Around To Raise Them
ABINGTON, PA—Experiencing an urgent need to extend his bloodline, prospective father Mark Griffin said Thursday that he felt pressured to give his mother grandchildren while she was still around to care for them on his behalf. “Sad to say, Mom’s getting older, and if I wait any longer to have kids, she may not be…Read more...
Dr. Scholl’s Introduces New Freeze-Away Toe Remover
CHICAGO—Foot-care brand Dr. Scholl’s unveiled its new Freeze-Away Toe Remover Thursday, an over-the-counter treatment that combines freeze therapy with fast-acting liquid to loosen and ultimately expel unsightly toes. “If you’re finding it painful to put on shoes or simply want to get rid of the gnarled growths at the…Read more...
Rock Hard Café Acquires Autographed Bon Jovi Cock Ring
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Steve Bannon Sets Sights On Spreading Far-Right Europe With New Foundation
Former White House chief advisor Steve Bannon plans to launch a foundation in Brussels called The Movement to spread far-right ideology to Europe. What do you think?Read more...
The Onion Reviews ‘Mission: Impossible – Fallout’
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Ivanka Trump Shutters Fashion Line
Facing boycotts and reported frustration over conflicts of interest, First Daughter Ivanka Trump shut down her fashion line, which sells accessories like handbags, perfume, and heels. What do you think?Read more...
NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL Team Owners Vote To Unionize
NEW YORK—Sending a message that they would no longer stand for dismissive treatment and inflated payrolls, owners from all four major U.S. professional sports leagues voted Wednesday to unionize. “We the owners have been exploited for too long, and with unionization, we can secure the basic rights we’ve never had as…Read more...
MADD PSA Clarifies It’s Okay To Drive Drunk If It’ll Be Big Pain To Get Car Tomorrow
IRVING, TX—In the first convenience-oriented change to their fundamental principles since the group’s founding, advocacy nonprofit Mothers Against Drunk Driving released a public service announcement Wednesday clarifying their platform to allow for driving under the influence of alcohol if circumstances would make it…Read more...
Cashier Forced To Incorporate Humiliating New Phrase Into Every Customer Interaction
EAST LANSING, MI—Flushed with embarrassment after uttering the phrase “Have a delicious day!” countless times throughout her Wednesday morning shift at Everything Nice Bakery, cashier Guila Charlton expressed indignation that company policy forced her and her coworkers to incorporate the insipid affirmation into every…Read more...
Timeline Of Internet Bots
The widespread presence of bots on the internet has driven concerns about their effects on social media, cybersecurity, and public discourse, but internet bots are far from a new phenomenon. The Onion takes a look at the history of bots on the internet.Read more...
‘Who Sent You Here,’ Whispers Woman To Big Tray Of Cheese Danishes Confronting Her In Break Room
NEW YORK—Her heart pounding, her hands balling reflexively into fists, and her eyes furtively darting around the room for potential witnesses to her confrontation with her old nemesis, systems analyst and supposedly former pastry enthusiast Katy Gilmartin found herself whispering “Who? Who sent you here?” to the large…Read more...
Mauled Shop
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Papa John’s Add ‘Poison Pill’ Provision To Prevent Founder From Returning
The Papa John’s board of directors adopted a so-called “poison pill” provision aimed to prevent former CEO John Schnatter from gaining more control of the company after he used the N-word on a conference call. What do you think?Read more...
Embittered Raisin Won’t Shut Up About How It Could Have Been Wine
FRESNO, CA—Noting that the constant arrogant comments were starting to irritate the entire 22-ounce canister of dried fruit, sources reported Tuesday that an embittered raisin wouldn’t shut up about how, if only the right opportunity had come along, it could have been wine. “This raisin just goes on and on, telling us…Read more...
R. Kelly Releases 19-Minute Song Addressing Sexual Assault
Facing numerous sexual assault allegations, R&B singer R. Kelly released “I Admit,” a 19-minute song in which he denies accusation of pedophilia and sexual slavery while admitting to other mistakes. What do you think?Read more...
Myth Vs. Fact: Sunscreen
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ICE Opens New Supermax Detention Center For Most Hardened Toddlers
CORNUDAS, TX—In response to growing issues with its population of juvenile detainees, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency reportedly announced on Tuesday the opening of a new supermax detention center to house its most hardened toddlers. “The Hudspeth County Maximum Correctional Facility is designed to…Read more...
Index Finger Rips Into Toilet Paper Package Like Velociraptor Claw
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Furiously Barking Dog Spends Another Day Trying To Warn Nation About Child Trapped In Cage
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27-Year-Old Unsure Whether He Can Pull Off Keeping Framed Picture Of Wife On Desk
CLEVELAND, OH—Carefully evaluating the effect that displaying the photograph would have on the image of someone his age, 27-year-old systems analyst Martin Lambert disclosed Tuesday that he was unsure if he could pull off keeping a framed picture of his wife on his office desk. “On the one hand, it would absolutely be…Read more...
More Young Adults Are Dying From Alcohol-Related Illnesses
A recent report found that annual death rates from alcohol-related illnesses jumped an average of 10 percent each year in the past decade for people between the ages of 25 and 34. What do you think?Read more...
Nana J. Reclaims Top Spot From Gram Gram Following Exceptional Birthday Outing
GUTHRIE CENTER, IA—Explaining how the matriarch had upstaged the competition with impressive decorations, thoughtful gifts, and delicious cake, area 9-year-old Lucy Astrid confirmed Tuesday that her Nana J. reclaimed the top spot from her Gram Gram following an exceptional birthday outing last week. “Gram Gram was…Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 24, 2018
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Rare Mutation Allows Bajau People To Stay Underwater For 2 Minutes
Researchers found that the Bajau people—residents of the Philippines and Malaysia renowned for their free-diving abilities—inherited their breath-holding capacities genetically through enlarged spleens. What do you think?Read more...
Bee Wishes It Could Hang Around Open Soda Can Without Everybody Freaking Out
SIOUX CITY, IA—Dismayed by the apparent impossibility of finding a nice place to sit for a second without causing a huge commotion, western honey bee HBW/A395-630-G6 reportedly wished Monday that it could hang around its traditional resting place, an open soda can, without people totally freaking out. “Jesus Christ,…Read more...
R. Kelly Releases Emotional New Song Thanking Fans For Continued Acceptance Of Sex Crimes
CHICAGO—Dedicating the track to all those who have blindly supported him over the years, singer R. Kelly released an emotional new song Monday thanking fans for their continued, unwavering acceptance of his sex crimes. “When I’m accused of sexual assault (assault) / Thanks for finding the victims at fault (fault),”…Read more...
Every Driver In Roundabout Just Winging It
MT. HOREB, WI—Saying they have “no earthly clue” exactly when it’s okay to enter and exit, all of the drivers currently in the roundabout at Springdale and 8th Street admitted Monday that they’re pretty much “just winging it” whenever they pass through. “Who has the right of way? What does a yield sign really mean? I…Read more...
New ‘Dune’ Films Planned From Director Of ‘Blade Runner: 2049’
Timothée Chalamet is in talks to star in a two-part adaptation of Frank Herbert’s classic novel Dune as directed by Denis Villeneuve. What do you think?Read more...
The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 23, 2018
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Hillshire Farm Releases Circumcised Bratwurst
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Promotion Offers Fans Free Pizza If Phillies Don't Blow Any Easy Plays In 5th Inning
PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to boost attendance and reward fan’s patience with the young, error-prone ballclub, the Philadelphia Phillies announced a new promotion Friday offering fans free pizza if the team doesn’t blow any easy on plays while on defense in the top of the 5th inning. “We’re excited to offer our…Read more...
Homeless Man Has Nice Summer Tan Going
COLUMBUS, OH—Marveling at the bronzed perfection of the figure lounging in Goodale Park, sources confirmed Friday that homeless man Eddie Kowalcek had a really nice summer tan going. “Wow, that guy just looks incredible,” said Spencer Dawson, 26, adding that the evenly tanned homeless schizophrenic must have spent…Read more...
WHO Eliminates Blindness-Causing Trachoma In Seven Countries
The World Health Organization declared a major milestone after eliminating trachoma, a debilitating disease that causes blindness in sufferers, in seven countries, and making significant inroads in others. What do you think?Read more...
Flight Attendant Demonstrates Proper Technique For Eating Fellow Passenger In Event Of Crash
ATLANTA—As an audio recording provided clear instructions on the procedure during pre-flight safety announcements, a flight attendant for Delta Airlines reportedly walked down the aisle of flight 9143 to London Friday demonstrating the correct way to consume one’s fellow passengers following a crash. “In the unlikely…Read more...
Comic-Con Fan Guesses He Enjoyed 60-Minute Panel Of Silently Masturbating Alan Moore Practicing Sex Magic
SAN DIEGO—Reflecting while exiting the packed Indigo Ballroom, local Comic-Con attendee Matt Donnelly told reporters Friday that he guessed he enjoyed the 60-minute panel wherein comic-book writer Alan Moore silently masturbated and performed sex magic rituals. “Honestly, I was kind of hoping he’d talk about creating …Read more...
Peyton Manning’s Wife Quietly Asks How Much Longer Papa John Going To Crash On Their Couch
INDIANAPOLIS—Frustrated by the heaps of soiled red polo shirts accumulating in her living room, Peyton Manning’s wife quietly asked Friday how much longer disgraced fast-food mogul and pitchman “Papa” John Schnatter would be crashing on their couch. “Honey, I didn’t mind when you said it would be a couple of nights,…Read more...
Drowning Is The Number Two Cause Of Death For Young Children. Here’s How To Make It Number One.
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The Onion Reviews ‘Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again’
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World's Oldest Bread Found At Prehistoric Site In Jordan
Charred remains of a flatbread baked 14,500 years ago were found in the Eastern Mediterranean, revealing it was made thousands of years before humans began farming. What do you think?Read more...
‘My Parents Hit Me,’ Says Bored 8-Year-Old Trying To Get Reaction From Dinner Party Guests
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Scientists Theorize What Earliest Dinosaur Researchers May Have Looked Like
BERKELEY, CA—Flexing their imaginations to the limit in an attempt to conceive how the majestic creatures may have lived all those centuries ago, scientists at University of California, Berkeley met Friday to theorize about what the first dinosaur researchers may have looked like. “Of course we can’t create an exact…Read more...
Taking Responsibility: Mark Zuckerberg Has Announced That Any Articles Posted On Facebook Will Now Go Through Strict Vetting To Make Sure They Align With The Company’s Tireless Commitment To Gen
Mark Zuckerberg faced enormous public backlash this week after he defended Holocaust deniers’ right to disseminate their views on Facebook, but this morning he stepped up to allay Facebook users’ concerns in a big way: Zuckerberg announced that from now on, Facebook will rigorously vet the articles posted on its site…Read more...
Summer Camp Hierarchy Thrown Into Chaos After Second Girl Learns How To French Braid
ELIZAVILLE, NY—Speculating as to whether or not the social order could ever regain its stability, witnesses confirmed Thursday that the established interpersonal hierarchy at Camp Eagle Hill had been thrown into turmoil by the emergence of a second girl with practical knowledge of the French braid. “This is completely…Read more...
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