The Onion

VATICAN CITY—Hoping to gain new insights into the church’s sexual abuse problem by directly empowering those most likely to become its victims, Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he had elevated a 2-year-old boy to the position of bishop. “We’re confident Bishop Timmy can help us make real, systemic progress in…Read more...

A plan to delay Brexit until 2021 is being explored by the EU’s most senior officials, allowing the United Kingdom to remain as a member state as it negotiates its exit. What do you think?Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Saying it would likely be no big deal to skip her monthly phone call, Rhea Mann, 47, decided Tuesday that after five years, she was allowed to quietly lose touch with paramedic Eric Seversen, who saved the life of her son Brian in 2014. “At first, I’d be sending him flowers for Brian’s birthday or for…Read more...

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The highest honor of the 91st Academy Awards went to Green Book, a film about a tour of the Deep South by African-American pianist Don Shirley and the Italian-American bouncer who served as Shirley’s driver and bodyguard. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Stressing that the smallest details often help to secure an interview, the MLB Players Association advised the league’s remaining free agents Monday to try adding keywords like “baseball” to their resumés. “You’re going to want to use words that stand out to recruiters like ‘throw’ and ‘glove’—you can even…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Still seething with anger nearly 90 years after the announcement, the U.S. populace revealed Monday that they were still outraged that the 1933 Oscar for Best Picture went to historical epic Cavalcade rather than the pre-code comedy Lady For A Day. “Look, Cavalcade was a fine popcorn flick, but better than…Read more...

PROVIDENCE, RI—Casting serious doubt over his commitment, self-professed atheist Edward Horvath came under intense scrutiny Monday after sources revealed that despite ample opportunities, he has never once barged into local churches screaming that the parishioners are all “brainwashed fools.” “This guy fancies himself…Read more...

The Food and Drug Administration warned that there are no proven clinical benefits to infusing a young person’s blood into an older individual, even as the practice has reportedly grown in popularity among some of the nation’s tech entrepreneurs. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Grimacing and tossing a cup of water on his face as the spectators cheered him on, a sweating, exhausted Christian Bale was spotted Sunday evening stumbling past the 13-mile marker on the Oscars’ red carpet. According to witnesses, the panting Bale had completely sweat through his tuxedo as he passed the…Read more...

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Acceptance speeches are a cornerstone of the Academy Awards ceremony and have provided their share of tears, laughter, and controversy over the years. The Onion looks back at the most memorable Oscars acceptance speeches of all time.Read more...

Gathering bishops from across the globe, Pope Francis has communed a summit to address the protection of minors in the Church from the scourge of clerical sexual abuse. What do you think?Read more...

LAWRENCE, KS—Saying they hoped their fresh analysis of fossil evidence would help shed new light on the long-extinct theropod, 50-foot-tall paleontologists from the University of Kansas announced Friday that Tyrannosaurus rex might have been smaller than previously thought. “For decades, scientists have held that T.…Read more...

Sony Interactive boss Shawn Layden predicted a future in which all consoles are united as one, saying that the Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4, and Xbox One all offer “great experiences.” What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Easily spotting what they described as a textbook example of a fabricated crime, members of the Chicago Police Department on Friday credited their own extensive experience falsifying evidence with helping them solve the case of actor Jussie Smollett’s staged attack. “We’ve been doing this sort of thing for…Read more...

SUMTER, SC—Wavering over which of the two activities would be most fulfilling to pursue, local teen Ethan Horne told reporters Friday that he was on the verge of either joining ISIS or getting super into rollerblading. “I’ve been desperately searching for some meaning in my life, and it’s really beginning to look like…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Attributing the gains this morning to them being “just kinda in the mood,” top Wall Street investors confirmed the U.S. stock market soared in early trading Friday after they decided it would be a fun thing to make happen. “Often, you’ll see the S&P 500 rise because of a jobs report or international trade…Read more...

PHOENIX—Finally closing a sordid chapter in team history, representatives for the Arizona Diamondbacks announced Friday that the franchise had settled a civil lawsuit with the offspring of a mourning dove who died after being hit by a Randy Johnson fastball during a 2001 spring training game. “We know this was an…Read more...

The Justice Department is preparing for Robert Mueller to conclude and submit a report of his two-year probe of Russian meddling in the 2016 election as early as next week. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Calling it “a perfect feminine explosive” for any silhouette, Spanx officials announced Friday that the company had launched a new line of smoke bombs for concealing unwanted bumps and bulges. “Whether you’re going out for a night on the town or just getting dressed up for a casual dinner, these new flash…Read more...

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LEANDER, TX—Following delivery of the sealed, handwritten letters to every member of the cast, it reportedly remained unclear Thursday why stagehand Kirk Weiland had composed heartfelt little notes to all the actors who appeared in the Leander Playhouse’s staging of The Sound Of Music. “I think I was introduced to him…Read more...

IRVINE, CA—Realizing his entire presentation deck consisted of little more than the proposed tagline “Twice The Crunch And Twice The Munch,” perspiring CornNuts vice president of marketing Jim Ralston was observed Thursday stammering his way through a pitch for a potential new Taco Bell menu item he termed the…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—In a gesture of goodwill intended to show the Papacy’s support for victims, Pope Francis announced Thursday that children who have been sexually abused by Catholic clergy would receive 10 percent off at the Vatican City gift shop. “While we will never be able to completely undo the damage that was done,…Read more...

OKLAHOMA CITY—Expressing outrage at the obnoxious programming he’d be forced to sit through for the next several hours, local dog Tuffy reportedly couldn’t believe his owner had left the television tuned to fucking MSNBC Thursday to keep him company while she was working. “Jesus Christ, how does she expect me to watch…Read more...

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to the Supreme Court to hear oral arguments for the first time since her lung cancer surgery in late December. What do you think?Read more...

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Championing Medicare-for-all and a $15 minimum wage, Bernie Sanders announced a 2020 bid for president that will see him joining an increasingly crowded and progressive Democratic primary. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the more than 450,000 Americans annually who have ideations of taking their male sibling’s life, experts from the American Psychological Association strongly recommended Wednesday calling the Fratricide Prevention Hotline to anyone who might be contemplating killing their brother. “If…Read more...

EDMONTON, ALBERTA—Promising that they were tirelessly working to resolve issues with the long-anticipated blockbuster Anthem, developers at BioWare assured players this week that the whiteboard in their office that reads “Jetpack+Guns?” would be a fully functional and fleshed-out game by Friday. “We know the thousands…Read more...

After a decade without releasing a new flavor, Coca-Cola will launch an orange vanilla variety in stores this month, calling it “reminiscent of the creamy orange popsicles we grew up loving, but in a classically Coke way.” What do you think?Read more...

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Promising one lucky melon fan the chance to change their life forever, Dole revealed Wednesday that one cantaloupe currently for sale in the continental United States contains a check for $10 million. “What’s the only thing better than the sweet, delicious taste of a Dole cantaloupe? One that’s…Read more...

COLUMBUS—Upon hearing his friends describing their struggles with the mental illness, self-employed graphic designer Jacob Carden, 42, evidently became competitive Wednesday about how depressed he is by rattling off a list of important life and career events the disorder has ruined for him or caused him to miss…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—In an attempt to repair the dozens of suspicious openings he had found drilled through the church’s thick marble walls, Pope Francis reportedly spent most of Wednesday using spackle and a putty knife to patch up all the glory holes in St. Peter’s Basilica. “I knew there would be some in the confessionals,…Read more...

The Academy Awards inspire debate every year about whether certain films, directors, and actors were recognized over more deserving ones, and over time, some of those overlooked movies and performances have come to seem particularly egregious. The Onion looks back at the biggest Oscars snubs in history.Read more...

NEW YORK—In a sternly worded reminder of baseline subway etiquette, the New York City Metropolitan Transit Authority released a statement Wednesday instructing riders not to take disabled passengers for their personal use. “Transit personnel have seen a significant increase in train, bus, and ferry passengers taking…Read more...

Using personal funds, President Trump installed a $50,000 room-sized golf simulator in the White House as an upgrade of the version used by President Obama, allowing him to play virtual rounds at courses across the globe. What do you think?Read more...