The Onion

Ben & Jerry’s is launching a new flavor, Pecan Resist—containing chocolate ice cream with white and dark fudge chunks, pecans, walnuts, and fudge-covered almonds—as part of a $100,000 philanthropic campaign to benefit activist organizations and “lick injustice” worldwide. What do you think?Read more...

WINCHESTER, VA—Attributing her current apathy to being stuck in the wholesaler’s remote canned goods aisle, Costco employee Tanya Fairbanks quietly remarked Friday that “Once they put me on cheeses, I will finally be happy,” as she handed out free samples of Vienna sausage. “I used to think that if I could just get…Read more...

YOUR LOCATION—Discovering a complete failure to understand simple English prose that was nothing short of unbelievable, a new study published Friday found reading comprehension is down significantly amongst the dumb fucks reading this right now. “Our data found that exactly zero of the knuckle-dragging dimwits…Read more...

HASTINGS, NE—Saying it was definitely not a situation to get worked up about, the nation’s wealthiest residents assured the rest of the American public Friday that the heavily armed city being built in the sky high above the central United States had nothing to do with anything and could just be ignored.Read more...

CENTENNIAL, CO—Noting that he typically advises anyone under 120 over 80 to go apeshit, local internist Dr. Alan Thal told patient Matt Richards Friday that his blood pressure read fairly normal, so he should really fucking let it rip. “Well, Mr. Richards, you’re at 118 over 74. That means do whatever the hell you…Read more...

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Germany’s Angela Merkel has said she will step down as chancellor and pass off leadership of her center-right party in 2021. What do you think?Read more...

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BURRILLVILLE, RI—Touting it as an incredible opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a lucrative business endeavor, child venture capitalist Aidan Frost reportedly invested $2.50 Thursday in his friend’s new slug-eating enterprise. “I’m pleased to announce that I’ve agreed to make a more than two-dollar…Read more...

NEW YORK—Embodying every potential voter from a 75-year-old Latina grandmother of 12 to a Generation Z high school senior living in the Atlanta exurbs, hundreds of Nate Silvers representing every voting demographic in America ran rampant through the FiveThirtyEight.com offices Thursday following a disastrous explosion…Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing frustration after yet another company employee visited her office with an issue, human resources director Sally Kent told reporters Thursday that she doesn’t know what exactly it is about her that makes people want to unload all their problems. “I have absolutely no idea why they all want to lay…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Urging Christians nationwide to “Buy! Buy! Buy!” on Thursday, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, announced that He will come again to judge the living and the dead once the Dow clears 27,000. “Listen, my children, and I will tell you—when the NYSE closing bell rings out and the Dow Jones…Read more...

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—After a lifetime spent defining the sound of basketball in America, Roman Sullivan, the original voice of the NBA buzzer, passed away at the age of 83, sources confirmed Thursday. “Today, we mourn a longtime member of the NBA family. You always knew it was either the half or end of a game when you heard…Read more...

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James “Whitey” Bulger, the notorious former Boston mob boss, was killed Tuesday morning at a West Virginia prison after serving 7 years of his life sentence. What do you think?Read more...

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CLEVELAND—Finding themselves hopelessly out of their depth despite years of training in emergency field medicine, a local team of paramedics told reporters Wednesday that they had no idea how difficult it would be to cut a dangerously drunk woman out of an Elmo costume. “Good God, how did she even breathe in this…Read more...

LAKEWOOD, OH—Cramped and frustrated at being unable to interact with any of the other guests, Halloween party attendee Hayley Crawford divulged Wednesday that she was sick of being stuck as the back half of the Velma costume. “It’s unbelievably hot back here and I’m tired of suddenly being pulled around without…Read more...

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Characters from the video game Fortnite and comic book heroes topped the most popular Halloween costumes among adults and children in 2018, according to Google data. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Following a social media post in which the rapper appeared to distance himself from politics, Americans nationwide commented that “Kanye West must be back on his meds” in what, technically speaking, could be called a conversation about mental illness. “That guy was always a wack job, but it’s good he’s taking…Read more...

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SAN FRANCISCO—Wringing his hands as beads of sweat began dripping down his forehead, local man Samuel Karpinski repeatedly sought to reassure himself Wednesday that the giant hot dog moving down the sidewalk toward him must be nothing more than a costume. “Stay calm, stay calm—it can’t hurt you,” a visibly shaken…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Standing before his costumed congregants in St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis declared, “Take this grape for it is the witch’s eye, take this spaghetti for it is the witch’s brain,” during a Halloween-themed Communion Wednesday, Vatican sources confirmed.Read more...

NEW BUFFALO, MI—Struggling to convey his exasperation through a set of plastic fangs, seasonally costumed reveler Aaron Greenstone admitted feelings of exhaustion and hopelessness Wednesday after explaining his Dracula Halloween costume for the “umpteenth” time. “I thought it would be super clever if I dressed up this…Read more...

A study published in The Wall Street Journal found that Instagram is now used daily by 85 percent of U.S. teens, compared to 84 percent who use Snapchat. What do you think?Read more...

BRUCETON MILLS, WV—Stressing the challenge of finding another actor with the stage presence necessary to bring the character of Nathan Detroit to life, inmates at the U.S. Penitentiary Hazelton were reportedly scrambling Tuesday to replace deceased mob boss Whitey Bulger in their current prison production of Guys And…Read more...

HEAVEN—Saying that the former organized crime boss was going where he belonged for his unforgivable sin after his death Tuesday in a West Virginia prison, the Lord Our God, Our Heavenly Father, confirmed that Whitey Bulger had been sent to Hell for snitching. “Look, I am a compassionate God, a merciful God, but there…Read more...

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SEATTLE—Behind a cobweb-covered red velvet curtain that opened to reveal a secret chamber where frightful delights were lurking, premium guests of the Nightmare Asylum haunted house were allowed access to a VIP section Tuesday where they were allowed to touch the performers. “Welcome, high rollers, to an exclusive…Read more...

In its annual report on representation on television, GLAAD found that the number of LGBTQ series regulars was at an all-time high, especially drawing attention to Pose and Supergirl as “history-making television moments.” What do you think?Read more...

LOUISVILLE, KY—Baffling fast food consumers nationwide by implicating the diners themselves in some unknown but vaguely fishery-related practice, seafood chain Long John Silver’s launched a new nationwide ad campaign Tuesday featuring the cryptic tagline “You Are The Bait Now.” “I’ve seen a commercial that was nothing…Read more...

NEW YORK—Declaring that the search was over for those looking to attain a more youthful, unnatural appearance, Revlon unveiled Tuesday a new cutting-edge line of age-defying monster makeup. “The anti-aging Franken-makeup line provides full coverage so your face can be smooth, spotless, and incredibly terrifying,” said…Read more...

The New York State Attorney General announced plans to sue oil giant Exxon Mobil for misleading its investors about climate change, claiming that the company presented different information on the risks publicly and privately. What do you think?Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting no improvements since suddenly appearing on his left arm several weeks ago, a detailed report released Tuesday by local man Derrick Hart revealed that his rash was not going away. “I don’t know what it’s from, but now it’s starting to hurt,” said Hart, explaining that he first noticed the skin…Read more...

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There are some truths that are best left unknown, horrific secrets that will shatter any mind that dares to learn them, and, tragically, one of the world’s most beloved comedians has precipitated his own undoing in pursuit of such forbidden knowledge: Jerry Seinfeld has gone completely insane after attaining full…Read more...

Megyn Kelly will depart NBC just 48 hours after the host made remarks in which she defended Halloween costumes that included blackface in a deal that will reportedly net the anchor $69 million due to her non-break agreement with the network. What do you think?Read more...

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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that on any day in America, about one-third of adults eat fast food, with younger Americans among the most likely to engage in this unhealthy lifestyle. What do you think?Read more...

WICHITA, KS—Touting their new product as a necessary innovation in short-stay accommodations, camping and portable sleeping gear manufacturer Coleman unveiled the SinkRest this Monday, an air mattress featuring built-in gradual leaks for house guests who refuse to take a hint. “We’ve specifically designed this…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Investigating a sudden uptick in nationwide on-the-job somnolence, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration released a study Monday showing that the majority of late afternoon sleepiness in the American workplace is in fact caused by an undetected carbon monoxide leak. “Our…Read more...

BOLINGBROOK, IL—Explaining that seeking professional psychological help was a big scam when there were better, cheaper alternatives, local man Justin Treanor told reporters Monday that he doesn’t understand why people waste money on a therapist when they could just emotionally crush their girlfriend. “A therapist can…Read more...

NEW YORK—In what many are calling a long-awaited overhaul to New York’s underground network of flashers, perverts, and yankers, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority unveiled a $28 billion plan Monday to renovate their citywide fleet of subway masturbators. “This incredible initiative will bring new life to the…Read more...

NEW YORK—Taking a moment from their morning broadcast to castigate Cesar Soyec, the man accused with mailing out explosives to numerous prominent Democrats and Trump critics, Fox & Friends hosts denounced the bombing suspect Monday as an overenthusiastic fan whose heart was basically in the right place. “This…Read more...

BUFFALO GROVE, IL—Emphasizing that communication was a “two-way street,” local man Thomas Ross expressed concern Monday that he was being heard, but not listened to by a representative taking his call on the Oscar Mayer customer service hotline. “I just keep talking and talking, and it’s like you’re not even listening…Read more...

LONDON—Her royal eye trained on the building entrance in careful anticipation of potential parcel thieves, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly concealed herself in the shrubbery Monday in order to apprehend whoever was stealing the packages from the Buckingham Palace porch. “Just last week, I ordered the loveliest FitBit…Read more...

PITTSBURGH—In the hours following a violent rampage in Pennsylvania in which a lone attacker killed 11 individuals and seriously injured six others, including four police officers, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Saturday that there was no way…Read more...

STANFORD, CA—Researchers from Stanford University published the results of an alarming report Tuesday that confirmed the average American spends roughly 25 percent of their life waiting in line at a cell phone store. “Our analysis found that most people spend about 20 to 25 years of their lives waiting to be helped by…Read more...