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Updated 2025-07-01 16:48
Papa John’s Add ‘Poison Pill’ Provision To Prevent Founder From Returning
The Papa John’s board of directors adopted a so-called “poison pill” provision aimed to prevent former CEO John Schnatter from gaining more control of the company after he used the N-word on a conference call. What do you think?Read more...
Embittered Raisin Won’t Shut Up About How It Could Have Been Wine
FRESNO, CA—Noting that the constant arrogant comments were starting to irritate the entire 22-ounce canister of dried fruit, sources reported Tuesday that an embittered raisin wouldn’t shut up about how, if only the right opportunity had come along, it could have been wine. “This raisin just goes on and on, telling us…Read more...
R. Kelly Releases 19-Minute Song Addressing Sexual Assault
Facing numerous sexual assault allegations, R&B singer R. Kelly released “I Admit,” a 19-minute song in which he denies accusation of pedophilia and sexual slavery while admitting to other mistakes. What do you think?Read more...
Myth Vs. Fact: Sunscreen
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ICE Opens New Supermax Detention Center For Most Hardened Toddlers
CORNUDAS, TX—In response to growing issues with its population of juvenile detainees, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency reportedly announced on Tuesday the opening of a new supermax detention center to house its most hardened toddlers. “The Hudspeth County Maximum Correctional Facility is designed to…Read more...
Index Finger Rips Into Toilet Paper Package Like Velociraptor Claw
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Furiously Barking Dog Spends Another Day Trying To Warn Nation About Child Trapped In Cage
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27-Year-Old Unsure Whether He Can Pull Off Keeping Framed Picture Of Wife On Desk
CLEVELAND, OH—Carefully evaluating the effect that displaying the photograph would have on the image of someone his age, 27-year-old systems analyst Martin Lambert disclosed Tuesday that he was unsure if he could pull off keeping a framed picture of his wife on his office desk. “On the one hand, it would absolutely be…Read more...
More Young Adults Are Dying From Alcohol-Related Illnesses
A recent report found that annual death rates from alcohol-related illnesses jumped an average of 10 percent each year in the past decade for people between the ages of 25 and 34. What do you think?Read more...
Nana J. Reclaims Top Spot From Gram Gram Following Exceptional Birthday Outing
GUTHRIE CENTER, IA—Explaining how the matriarch had upstaged the competition with impressive decorations, thoughtful gifts, and delicious cake, area 9-year-old Lucy Astrid confirmed Tuesday that her Nana J. reclaimed the top spot from her Gram Gram following an exceptional birthday outing last week. “Gram Gram was…Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 24, 2018
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Rare Mutation Allows Bajau People To Stay Underwater For 2 Minutes
Researchers found that the Bajau people—residents of the Philippines and Malaysia renowned for their free-diving abilities—inherited their breath-holding capacities genetically through enlarged spleens. What do you think?Read more...
Bee Wishes It Could Hang Around Open Soda Can Without Everybody Freaking Out
SIOUX CITY, IA—Dismayed by the apparent impossibility of finding a nice place to sit for a second without causing a huge commotion, western honey bee HBW/A395-630-G6 reportedly wished Monday that it could hang around its traditional resting place, an open soda can, without people totally freaking out. “Jesus Christ,…Read more...
R. Kelly Releases Emotional New Song Thanking Fans For Continued Acceptance Of Sex Crimes
CHICAGO—Dedicating the track to all those who have blindly supported him over the years, singer R. Kelly released an emotional new song Monday thanking fans for their continued, unwavering acceptance of his sex crimes. “When I’m accused of sexual assault (assault) / Thanks for finding the victims at fault (fault),”…Read more...
Every Driver In Roundabout Just Winging It
MT. HOREB, WI—Saying they have “no earthly clue” exactly when it’s okay to enter and exit, all of the drivers currently in the roundabout at Springdale and 8th Street admitted Monday that they’re pretty much “just winging it” whenever they pass through. “Who has the right of way? What does a yield sign really mean? I…Read more...
New ‘Dune’ Films Planned From Director Of ‘Blade Runner: 2049’
Timothée Chalamet is in talks to star in a two-part adaptation of Frank Herbert’s classic novel Dune as directed by Denis Villeneuve. What do you think?Read more...
The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 23, 2018
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Hillshire Farm Releases Circumcised Bratwurst
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Promotion Offers Fans Free Pizza If Phillies Don't Blow Any Easy Plays In 5th Inning
PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to boost attendance and reward fan’s patience with the young, error-prone ballclub, the Philadelphia Phillies announced a new promotion Friday offering fans free pizza if the team doesn’t blow any easy on plays while on defense in the top of the 5th inning. “We’re excited to offer our…Read more...
Homeless Man Has Nice Summer Tan Going
COLUMBUS, OH—Marveling at the bronzed perfection of the figure lounging in Goodale Park, sources confirmed Friday that homeless man Eddie Kowalcek had a really nice summer tan going. “Wow, that guy just looks incredible,” said Spencer Dawson, 26, adding that the evenly tanned homeless schizophrenic must have spent…Read more...
WHO Eliminates Blindness-Causing Trachoma In Seven Countries
The World Health Organization declared a major milestone after eliminating trachoma, a debilitating disease that causes blindness in sufferers, in seven countries, and making significant inroads in others. What do you think?Read more...
Flight Attendant Demonstrates Proper Technique For Eating Fellow Passenger In Event Of Crash
ATLANTA—As an audio recording provided clear instructions on the procedure during pre-flight safety announcements, a flight attendant for Delta Airlines reportedly walked down the aisle of flight 9143 to London Friday demonstrating the correct way to consume one’s fellow passengers following a crash. “In the unlikely…Read more...
Comic-Con Fan Guesses He Enjoyed 60-Minute Panel Of Silently Masturbating Alan Moore Practicing Sex Magic
SAN DIEGO—Reflecting while exiting the packed Indigo Ballroom, local Comic-Con attendee Matt Donnelly told reporters Friday that he guessed he enjoyed the 60-minute panel wherein comic-book writer Alan Moore silently masturbated and performed sex magic rituals. “Honestly, I was kind of hoping he’d talk about creating …Read more...
Peyton Manning’s Wife Quietly Asks How Much Longer Papa John Going To Crash On Their Couch
INDIANAPOLIS—Frustrated by the heaps of soiled red polo shirts accumulating in her living room, Peyton Manning’s wife quietly asked Friday how much longer disgraced fast-food mogul and pitchman “Papa” John Schnatter would be crashing on their couch. “Honey, I didn’t mind when you said it would be a couple of nights,…Read more...
Drowning Is The Number Two Cause Of Death For Young Children. Here’s How To Make It Number One.
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The Onion Reviews ‘Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again’
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World's Oldest Bread Found At Prehistoric Site In Jordan
Charred remains of a flatbread baked 14,500 years ago were found in the Eastern Mediterranean, revealing it was made thousands of years before humans began farming. What do you think?Read more...
‘My Parents Hit Me,’ Says Bored 8-Year-Old Trying To Get Reaction From Dinner Party Guests
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Scientists Theorize What Earliest Dinosaur Researchers May Have Looked Like
BERKELEY, CA—Flexing their imaginations to the limit in an attempt to conceive how the majestic creatures may have lived all those centuries ago, scientists at University of California, Berkeley met Friday to theorize about what the first dinosaur researchers may have looked like. “Of course we can’t create an exact…Read more...
Taking Responsibility: Mark Zuckerberg Has Announced That Any Articles Posted On Facebook Will Now Go Through Strict Vetting To Make Sure They Align With The Company’s Tireless Commitment To Gen
Mark Zuckerberg faced enormous public backlash this week after he defended Holocaust deniers’ right to disseminate their views on Facebook, but this morning he stepped up to allay Facebook users’ concerns in a big way: Zuckerberg announced that from now on, Facebook will rigorously vet the articles posted on its site…Read more...
Summer Camp Hierarchy Thrown Into Chaos After Second Girl Learns How To French Braid
ELIZAVILLE, NY—Speculating as to whether or not the social order could ever regain its stability, witnesses confirmed Thursday that the established interpersonal hierarchy at Camp Eagle Hill had been thrown into turmoil by the emergence of a second girl with practical knowledge of the French braid. “This is completely…Read more...
Comic-Con 2018 Kicks Off
Comic-Con, the nation’s premier comics convention, kicks off this year’s iteration with previews of The Predator, Doctor Who, and the new slate of DC comic book movies. What do you think?Read more...
Paralyzed Man Determined To Still Live Normal Sedentary Life
NORTH HAMPTON, MA—Saying that he wouldn’t let his disability define him, recently paralyzed man Matthew Sabourne told reporters Thursday he was determined to maintain his normal sedentary lifestyle despite his new physical challenges. “I caught a tough break with the accident, but I’ll be damned if I let this injury…Read more...
FDA Defends Decision To Reclassify Alternative Milks As ‘Nut Sweat’
SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Addressing concerns that the naming practice could unfairly bias consumers against the products, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a statement Thursday strongly defending the decision to reclassify alternative milks as “nut sweat.” “While we hope this new labeling helps clarify shopping…Read more...
Man Unsure Whether To Tip Bathroom Attendant Just For Wiping His Ass
NORFOLK, VA—Saying that the task is the sort of thing he usually prefers to do himself, restaurant customer Ryan Brooks admitted Thursday that he was unsure if he should tip the attendant in the bathroom of Norfolk’s Old Town Steakhouse simply for wiping his ass. “Not to belittle the guy’s job, but all he did was rip…Read more...
Chance The Rapper Clarifies He From Chicago
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This List Of Kids Holding Up Signs Saying That StarKist Tuna Gives Them The Energy They Need To Bully Their Classmates Will Only Come Down If StarKist Pays Us $90 Million
Listen up, StarKist, things in the digital media industry have become pretty dire, and unfortunately ClickHole needs to resort to desperate measures to stay afloat. We hate to do this to you, but we’ve got a whole bunch of pictures of kids claiming that your canned tuna gives them the energy they need to bully their…Read more...
Facebook Apologizes For Giving Mark Zuckerberg A Platform
MENLO PARK, CA—In response to criticism about the social network’s failure to address the spread of falsehoods and offensive content on its site, Facebook apologized Thursday for giving Mark Zuckerberg a platform. “Lies and harassment have absolutely no place on Facebook, and we want to express our deep regret at…Read more...
CNN Anchors Speechless After Guest Goes On Long, Coherent Thought
NEW YORK—CNN Anchors Brooke Baldwin and Dana Bash reportedly sat speechless Thursday after their guest Dr. Gina Jimenez went on a long, coherent thought, unleashing a tirade of articulate points completely relevant to the topic at hand. “Dr. Jimenez, if I could just quickly interrupt you for a moment—could you please…Read more...
Report: There Must Be Some Trick To Unfolding Table Legs
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Black Man At Walgreens Impressed By How Attentively Employees Tailing Him
PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would not have been able to shake the eagle-eyed clerks even if he had wanted to, local black man Mike Chambers confirmed Thursday he was pretty impressed by how attentively Walgreens employees were tailing him. “Usually when I’m in a store, the cashiers just watch me from a distance while…Read more...
Trump Backtracks On Siding With Russia Over U.S. Intelligence Community, Saying He Misspoke
Facing bipartisan pushback for the recent statement, President Trump now says he misspoke and meant to say he saw “no reason why it wouldn’t be” Russia who interfered in the 2016 election, rather than “would be.” What do you think?Read more...
Most Anticipated Events Of Comic-Con 2018
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Obama Criticizes Trump In Address To Honor Nelson Mandela's 100th Birthday
In a speech on Nelson Mandela’s birthday, former President Obama warned of “strongman politics” in a veiled criticism of President Trump. What do you think?Read more...
Papa John’s Founder Launches New Chain Of Fast-Casual Segregated Lunch Counters
LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to turn over a new leaf after being ousted from his own company last week, Papa John’s founder John Schnatter announced plans Wednesday to launch a new chain of fast-casual segregated lunch counters across the Deep South. “I just want to get back to the basics of making good, home-cooked…Read more...
Bill & Melinda Gates Shocked To Learn Ghanaian School Never Intended To Pay Back Money Lent To Them
SEATTLE, WA—Calling their intended investment “$20 million down the goddamn drain,” philanthropist Bill Gates and wife Melinda released a statement Wednesday saying they were shocked to learn that the Akantome Elementary School in Ejura, Ghana had neither a plan in place nor indeed any intention to return funds…Read more...
The Road Worrier
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New Aphasia Study Finds Empty Fullness Brokered Yellow Ideas Happily
SAN FRANCISCO—Signaling a major breakthrough in the field of round electric pungent brick merriment, a new aphasia study released by the University of California, San Francisco’s Department of Integrative Neuroscience Wednesday found that empty fullness brokered yellow ideas happily. “After carefully examining the…Read more...
Scientists Bring Dying Organs Back To Life
Researchers have discovered they can restore organ cells to life by injecting them with mitochondria in a method that they have already used to help human infants with heart defects. What do you think?Read more...
Retired Couple Realizes Dream Of Buying Camper, Driving Around Country Murdering Hitchhikers
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