The Onion
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| Updated | 2025-09-16 16:18 |
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3Y14D)
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by The Onion on (#3Y14E)
URBANA, IL—In a warning of what they are calling an impending public health crisis, scientists from the University of Illinois announced Monday that the tingling sensation of autonomous sensory meridian response-inducing stimuli, or ASMR, is actually caused by mass cell death in the brain. “What you are feeling in the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3Y11B)
AKRON, OH—Unsure what to make of the mid-level salesperson who is both unmarried and not pregnant, Americans were reportedly baffled Monday by Andrea McGovern, a childless 32-year-old woman who doesn’t even have a high-powered career. “She doesn’t seem to be an executive, which is fine, but then why doesn’t she have…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3Y11C)
MONTGOMERY, AL—In an effort to boost the economy and produce more accurate on-screen depictions of the state known as the Heart of Dixie, Alabama governor Kay Ivey signed off on a new creative arts tax credit bill Monday designed and structured to attract film crews creating YouTube “fail compilations†to the state.…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3XYFH)
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by The Onion on (#3XX9J)
BERKELEY, CA—Putting to rest centuries of debate, biologists at the University of California, Berkeley announced Friday that they had obtained incontrovertible proof of evolution after finally capturing footage of a chimpanzee transforming into a human. “We have verified beyond any doubt that our species evolved from…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3XX37)
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by The Onion on (#3XX38)
MILWAUKEE—Saying the newly unearthed materials would help shed light on the serial killer’s extensive oeuvre, the Jeffrey Dahmer estate held a press conference Friday during which it announced plans to exhibit victim remains never before seen by the general public.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3XWZA)
CINCINNATI, OH—Frustrated by a perceived lack of respect and appreciation, the main entrance of Bubby’s Bar and Grill said Friday that she frankly resented being referred to by her fellow employees as “the other door.†“I’m here day in and day out working my ass off in all kinds of weather, and they’ve got the nerve…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3XWW2)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3XWQN)
RALEIGH, NC—Claiming he only needs something that’s easy to hook up with internet capabilities, local dad Greg Knox informed his family Friday that he just wants a simple, no-nonsense Xbox One for checking emails. “I don’t want any of those fancy Xboxes with the Kinects or headsets or anything like that. It would just…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3XWK0)
DENVER—Noting that absolute devotion was the key to seducing a potential partner, relationship experts recommended Friday that it’s best to tell a woman that you would die for her at the outset of a first date. “Time and time again, we’ve found that the best way for a man to win the heart of a lady is to immediately…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3XWK1)
As over 50 million students return for a new school year, the U.S. education system faces of a number of technological, philosophical, and financial challenges. The Onion looks at important events in the history of the American education system.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3XWK2)
OAK PARK, IL—Noting that the musicians had left their straight-line formation and stopped very cleanly, sources confirmed Friday that the Fenwick High School marching band was definitely in the shape of something. “I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be, like, a flag or trapezoid, or maybe another type of square-looking…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3XWK3)
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Warden Scrambling To Find Ways To Punish Striking Inmates Worse Than Their Typical Living Conditions
by The Onion on (#3XWK4)
CRESCENT CITY, CA—In an admission that highlights the internal complexities of the prison worker strike spreading across the nation, Pelican Bay supermax prison warden Earl Daniels has divulged that he is struggling to find methods of punishment worse than the inmates’ current living conditions. “There’s no question…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3XWK5)
For the fourth consecutive year, federal health officials said that new cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis spiked in 2017, rising by nearly 10 percent due to changing sexual habits and a lack of public awareness. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3XV32)
TUSCALOOSA, AL—Suddenly realizing that the tradition was actually sort of strange when one stopped to really think about it, University of Alabama administrators admitted to reporters Thursday that it was pretty weird that they let a bunch of 20-year-olds live in a big mansion and torture each other. “I guess allowing…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3XTZT)
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by The Onion on (#3XTQT)
CHAPEL HILL, NC—Responding to concern about the Trump administration accusing hundreds of Hispanic people living near the U.S.–Mexico border of having fraudulent birth certificates and revoking their passports, political scientists reassured Americans Thursday that stripping minority groups of their citizenship is…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3XTQV)
After reportedly causing disputes with President Trump over his cooperation with the special counsel, White House Counsel Don McGahn will step down in the fall. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3XTQW)
CODAJÃS, BRAZIL—Saying that he was willing to try anything once, a praying mantis in the Amazon rainforest hesitantly agreed to his girlfriend’s sexual fantasy of eating his head during sex, sources confirmed Thursday. “Honestly, I was a little wary when she first told me she was fantasizing about devouring my head,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3XTJD)
FAIRFAX, VA—Expressing immense gratitude for their role in normalizing and promoting the pursuits of marginalized people, the National Alliance on Mental Illness issued a statement Thursday praising the National Rifle Association for decreasing the stigma around mentally ill people acquiring firearms. “There are still…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3XTJE)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3XT9H)
BILLINGS, MT—Resigning herself to the fact that perhaps she just wasn’t meant to have smooth, detangled hair, area woman Candace Fard confided to reporters Thursday that after being let down by yet another leave-in conditioner, she wasn’t sure she could ever put herself out there again. “I’ve been burned so many times…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3XT41)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3XT42)
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by The Onion on (#3XT43)
WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the vulnerability of low-income Americans struggling in the face of a Mack truck, a report from the Brookings Institution confirmed Thursday that the poor are often hit hardest by 18-wheelers. “The economically disadvantaged face a great variety of challenges, but sometimes the single…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3XT44)
A U.S. federal judge extended a ban on the online distribution of 3D-printed gun blueprints, agreeing that their publication would violate states’ rights to regulate firearms. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3XT45)
PHILADELPHIA—Revealing that after the Super Bowl he could have taken over several big-time bake sales, Nick Foles told reporters Thursday that he turned down significant volunteer opportunities at church to remain with the Philadelphia Eagles. “I had my fair share of great offers this offseason, but in the end, I…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3XT46)
YELLOW BLUFF, AL—Emphasizing how important it was for his well-being to cut the cord and start harassing more minorities in person, white supremacist Alan Kearney, 63, told reporters Thursday that he’s been living a much more fulfilling, racist life since getting kicked offline. “Sitting behind a screen all day was…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3XRH5)
Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort spoke with Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team about a potential plea deal before talks fell apart. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3XRD7)
NINTH CIRCLE, HELL—Stressing that the situation in the underworld was quickly spiraling out of control, Satan, the Great Tempter and Father of Lies, announced Wednesday that he would not allow any more Catholic priests to enter hell. “This place is completely overrun with those monsters, and frankly, they kind of…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3XR5H)
KAUKAUNA, WI—Given pause after witnessing the consequences of their actions, members of a sixth-grade class at River View Middle School reported feeling kind of bad Wednesday after discovering how little effort it took to make their teacher, 23-year-old Kayla Martin, cry. “Oh, jeez, now I feel guilty—I realize we were…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3XR5J)
SAVANNAH, GA—Using the scant remaining oxygen in his brain to note the approaching stranger’s clear lack of emergency medical experience, choking man Philip Havish could reportedly already tell the good Samaritan attempting to help him had no fucking clue what they were doing. “Oh, God, I’m totally fucked—this dipshit…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3XR5K)
PALO ALTO, CA—Touting the release as an unmatched innovation in green technology, Elon Musk held a press event Wednesday to unveil Tesla’s new clean energy automobile, a sleek midsize luxury sedan pulled by eight Tesla employees. “I’m excited to stand before you today and announce the &8, Tesla’s latest great advance…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3XR16)
WESTCHESTER, NY—Acknowledging that there were definitely far more pressing issues for the young superhero to address, 5-year-old Sam Byer admitted Wednesday that it was pretty messed up that Spider-Man had chosen to entertain guests at his birthday party when he could be out saving lives. “Look, I’m glad he showed up…Read more...
by JFG on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The Onion on (#3XR5M)
Get excited, because ClickHole is offering an incredible promotion that you’re going to want to take advantage of ASAP: If you go to the store and buy five cowboy hats and send us a picture of yourself wearing your favorite one, you can keep all the hats, no questions asked.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3XR17)
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by The Onion on (#3XQX2)
This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2022, with most of them being born in 2000. The Onion takes a look at some facts and figures about these students and their worldview.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3XQX3)
OXNARD, CA—Expressing bewilderment after sitting through his four-hour livestream “for nothing,†chat room viewers nationwide overwhelmingly said they felt cheated and deceived Wednesday by Twitch user xLNENRDx who, despite purporting to be a professional gamer, does not pout torrents of racist epithets and opinions…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3XQR9)
A Reuters-Ipsos survey found that the vast majority of Americans—85 percent of Democrats and 52 percent of Republicans—support “Medicare for all,†also known as a single-payer system. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3XP5E)
NEW YORK—Lamenting the clear changes in the comedian’s material after an almost yearlong absence from the stage, local Louis C.K. fan Jeremy Draeving was reportedly disappointed at the lack of psychosexual power games in the stand-up’s set at the Comedy Cellar on Sunday. “I’ve always loved how real and honest Louis…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3XP13)
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