The Onion

FORT COLLINS, CO—Revealing new insights into the animals’ high-risk lifestyle, a study released Monday by zoologists at Colorado State University found that the average squirrel lives through the human equivalent of seven action films every day. “Before you’ve even sat down for lunch, a normal squirrel has already…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Despite early evidence indicating that she may have not searched her bag as thoroughly as she believes, a new report released Tuesday revealed that there’s no way to suggest that your girlfriend look for her keys in her purse again without sounding like a condescending prick. “No matter how confident you…Read more...

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After receiving regulatory approval from the FDA, the plant-based Impossible Burger has been approved to be sold in supermarkets nationwide, offering an option for environmentally conscious consumers looking for a burger substitute. What do you think?Read more...

On the subject of our still fledgling nation, one point in particular stands out, which I present for want of understanding America’s purpose: The British crown continues to repeat its lies about our being unable to govern ourselves, and yet we have over these past years of self-government seen relative peace.…Read more...

SALZBURG, AUSTRIA—In a discovery certain to renew interest in the beloved composer’s legacy, music historians said Monday they have found evidence that before leaving to pursue his solo career, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart fronted an ultra-popular Viennese boy band.Read more...

KENT, OH—In what has been described as a solemn yet moving commemoration, sources reported Monday that a flower arrangement placed on a kitchen table in a local home was likely a memorial to a person who had died there under tragic circumstances. “It’s so sad to see. Makes you wonder what happened here,” said Jake…Read more...

A Pew poll found that 86% of Americans say they have a fair or great deal amount of trust in science, a result up from 76% in 2016 and far higher than trust placed in politicians, journalists, or clergy. What do you think?Read more...

Even if you consider yourself a skeptic, it’s hard not to get a little freaked out when you hear about the legend surrounding the Madden NFL series. Fans call it “The Madden Curse,” the mysterious trend where athletes who appear on the cover of Madden NFL slowly transform into John Madden. Coincidence or not? Let’s…Read more...

TEMPE—Indulging herself with a few moments of impossibly romantic fantasy, local woman Lori Danforth admitted Monday that despite knowing her husband’s socialized smile is not an example of him actually flirting with her it was still enjoyable to pretend that this was in fact the case. “I sometimes like to spend a few…Read more...

SPOKANE, WA—Confirming long-held suspicions about the diminutive size of modern-day bacteria, paleontologists at Gonzaga University engaged in an intensive study of the fossil record announced Friday that they had found overwhelming evidence supporting the theory that early humans hunted the 25-foot paramecium and…Read more...

HARTFORD, CT—Dedicating his next ground out to all the people who tried to keep him down, minor leaguer Adam Brosseau confirmed Monday that he had defied everyone who said he’d never make it as a professional baseball player by sucking for four years in Double-A. “They said I’d never make it back in high school, but…Read more...

DAYTON, OH—In the hours following a violent rampage in Ohio in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured 27 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a…Read more...

EL PASO, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed 20 individuals and injured 26 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was…Read more...

A source close to President Obama said that he has taken criticism from 2020 candidates in stride, noting that he believes “his legacy is going to be fine, that there’s a staying power to it and the things under attack by this president are high water marks for the country.” What do you think?Read more...

Madden NFL 20 drops today and it looks like there is exciting news connected to one of the most popular aspects of the long-running football video game franchise. According to the game’s creators, EA Sports has added three new romanceable kickers to the game’s career mode!Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Feeling a lingering sense of guilt over the sudden betrayal of all his values, Clippers forward Kawhi Leonard worried Friday that he had succumbed to the glitzy L.A. lifestyle after purchasing a flashy 2016 Subaru Forester. “I’ve only been in Hollywood a few weeks and I’m already living the high life. Look…Read more...

HOLLYWOOD—In response to public outcry by motor vehicle associations, theaters across the country pulled the film Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw Friday following reports of the on-set mistreatment of cars. “We could no longer in good conscience continue distributing this film after watching secret video…Read more...

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The Federal Reserve is almost universally expected to make a quarter-point cut to interest rates in order to stave off signs of a slowing economy. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Still stunned by the fresh insight he had gleaned at the end of the group’s performance, local man Brett Weinberg told reporters Friday that he had gained a totally new disdain for electronic dance music duo The Chainsmokers after seeing them live. “Sure, I’ve heard a bunch of their songs before, but it wasn’t…Read more...

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For the first time in the U.S., a patient has received an infusion of 2 billion cells edited with the gene-editing tool CRISPR to help treat sickle cell disease, presaging a new age of targeted treatments for genetic diseases. What do you think?Read more...

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Sighing as he gazed at the moderately spiced condiment on the table before him, local 34-year-old John Rawley told reporters Thursday it had been hard coming to terms with the fact that his ability to tolerate spicy foods had plateaued and he wouldn’t ever move beyond medium salsa. “All my life, I…Read more...

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ATLANTA—Facing a backlash over what critics viewed as misleading journalistic practices, CNN was under fire Thursday for its failure to disclose that a recent panelist pushing for military action in Iran was in fact a Raytheon DeepStrike Missile. “We do not believe that our panelist’s status as a machine of war…Read more...

In a campaign to combat climate change and produce a greener future, Ethiopia’s government announced that it had planted 350 million trees across the country as part of its “green legacy” initiative. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Concluding that even a quick scan of the page can supply the body with vitamin C, lycopene, and omega-3 fatty acids, a groundbreaking study published Thursday found that when read from beginning to end, this article provides 13 nutrients vital to sustaining basic human health. “As we speak, thousands of…Read more...

CHICAGO—Saying the new pass offered the perfect option for those looking to attend the festival in comfort and style, Lollapalooza organizers unveiled a new air-conditioned, soundproof tent expressly catering to people who definitely shouldn’t have come to this. “Our new Platinum Lux Pass allows individuals who have…Read more...

LANCASTER COUNTY, PA—Slamming the policy as deeply biased against hardworking rural Americans, local man Abraham Harver told reporters Thursday that the card-only business model at his town’s grocery store discriminates against those customers who conduct transactions by bartering milk-goats. “Some folks just don’t…Read more...

LANSING, MI—Expressing relief that he could finally make amends for his past cruelty, area man Tom Hernandez reportedly liked his ex-girlfriend’s tweet Thursday in an effort to smooth over emotionally destroying her three years ago. “I was kind of an asshole during the breakup, but I’m hopeful that by liking the photo…Read more...

After spending 17 weeks atop the Billboard Hot 100, Lil Nas X’s country-rap hit “Old Town Road” has officially broken the chart’s record for longest-running single, an honor previously held by Mariah Carey’s and Boyz II Men’s “One Sweet Day” and Luis Fonsi featuring Daddy Yankee’s “Despacito.” What do you think?Read more...

NASHVILLE, TN—Lauding the singer for his unique melding of roots, Americana, and Appalachian folk styles, music writers across the industry attributed the extraordinary success of Lil Nas X Wednesday to his invention of the genre of country. “What really sets Lil Nas X apart is his ingenious choice to create what I’m…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Touting their service as the number-one choice for American abductors, a USPS commercial that premiered Wednesday highlighted the company’s history of proudly sending more fingers for kidnappers than any other major shipping company. “When you’re trying to get proof of life to its destination in order to…Read more...

Creating a sequel to a beloved game can be a tough proposition, yet some games get it so right that they not only outdo the original but eclipse the predecessor entirely. After much discussion, here is OGN’s definitive list of the greatest video game sequels of all time.Read more...

After a tenure in which he repeatedly contradicted the president on statements about foreign adversaries, Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats has resigned from his post. The president has said he will likely nominate White House loyalist John Ratcliffe as a replacement. What do you think?Read more...

After attacking Representative Elijah Cummings (D-MD) in recent tweets by calling Baltimore a “very dangerous and filthy place,” President Trump attempted to paint Rev. Al Sharpton as a racist. What do you think?Read more...

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SEATTLE—Announcing the conclusion of their landmark study, researchers from the University of Washington confirmed Tuesday that meditation can significantly reduce stress but added that they totally get it if you were just venting and weren’t actually looking for advice right now. “Based on a six-month double-blind…Read more...

Grand Theft Auto Online has seen its fair share of pain and controversy over the years, but Rockstar has once again cemented their status as industry leaders by finally tackling one of its biggest issues with an all new eco-friendly feature: To help offset the city’s carbon emissions, the game’s developers will plant…Read more...

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Hordes of grasshoppers have invaded Las Vegas due to a larger than usual amount of rainfall, burying cars and stunning drivers, although entomologists stress residents have little to fear from their largely benign presence. What do you think?Read more...

TEMPE, AZ—Yucca Tap Room patron Danny Foster told sources Tuesday that if Tempe resident Destiny Harris had no desire to field romantic overtures from inebriated male customers, she should not be hanging out in the bar taking drink orders. “She’s just going from table to table, mingling with all the customers, asking…Read more...

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Brazil’s part of the Amazon has lost more than 1,330 square miles of forest cover since Jair Bolsonaro, a populist who cut environmental policies, took office, constituting a 39% increase over the same period last year. What do you think?Read more...

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