The Onion

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Realizing that the black-and-white family photo on his bedside table seems like a scene from someone else’s life, puzzled divorcé David Reed admitted Tuesday that he didn’t even recognize the smiling, happy people in the picture that came with the frame. “My God, it’s like I don’t even know who these…Read more...

SARASOTA, FL—Nervously watching as the suspicious man cheered on the team, the Baltimore Orioles told reporters Tuesday that they were creeped out by a fan who actually followed the ballclub to spring training. “This weirdo in an Orioles jacket has been hanging out around the facilities all week. Did this guy…Read more...

BLUE BELL, PA—Saying it would be nice for her cat Joplin to have some company during the day, realtor Christie Marie Wolfe, 34, adopted a second cat Tuesday for Joplin to terrorize while she is at work. “I hate to leave the poor guy alone all day, so I figured it’d be nice for him to have a companion cat to stalk…Read more...

U.S. wealth inequality is at its worst point since the 1920s, a new study found, although some experts suggest this change is largely temporary and dependent on a current stock market bubble. What do you think?Read more...

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THE HEAVENS—Attempting to do His part in holding abusers accountable amid the rise of the #MeToo movement, God, our heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He would supervise the purging of millions of souls from Heaven now that sexual assault was being taken far more seriously. “I had definitely heard many rumors,…Read more...

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Many 2020 Democratic frontrunners—including Cory Booker, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Kirsten Gillibrand, and Kamala Harris—have supported the Marijuana Justice Act, which seeks to make pot legal at the federal level, signaling a strong majority among Democrats for decriminalizing the substance. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Decrying the label as “shamelessly sexist,” media watchdog Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting issued a statement Monday condemning the American press for only referring to Alabama-born jihadist Hoda Muthana as “bride of ISIS soldier.” “Ms. Muthana is an accomplished ISIS member in her own right, having joined…Read more...

HAVERHILL, MA—Expressing happiness that their matriarch had finally “gotten into the swing of things,” the family of grandmother Ellen Haan confirmed Monday that the 87-year-old had really started to get the hang of dying in recent weeks. “Nana’s just recently come to grips with this whole diminishing-into-nothingness…Read more...

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Terrified that their greatest fear has become a disgusting reality, new parents Melanie and Abe Bloom confirmed Monday that their newborn son Levi is, in fact, the type of baby who shits. “We had hoped that Levi would have a recessive shitting gene, and when that turned out not to be the case, we…Read more...

In a move that has split members between traditionalist and progressive factions, the United Methodist Church worldwide conference voted this week to ban gay and lesbian clerics and the officiating of same-sex marriages, saying such inclusions defy the word of God. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Restroom attendee Sean O’Donnell recoiled internally Monday while regarding the painted-over portion of the PATH train bathroom wall where he could only assume some truly egregious and revolting graffiti had been written. “Stuff like, ‘Kimmy S sucked my cock’ and ‘Die all cops’ is still plainly…Read more...

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Weeks away from a general election, Israel’s attorney general announced that it intends to indict Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on charges of bribery, fraud, and breach of trust, potentially jeopardizing his fourth term. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Addressing the speculation that has circulated on social media since Sunday’s Academy Awards broadcast, Lady Gaga made an announcement this week to quash any rumors that she ever thought Bradley Cooper was talented in any way. “A lot of gossip has been floating around about the two of us, so let me assure you…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In response to a film featuring two men who say that the singer sexually abused them as children, the estate of Michael Jackson released a new documentary Friday alleging that the King of Pop gets a lifetime pass for Thriller. “The claim we lay out in our documentary is that whatever bad things that pop…Read more...

ITHACA, NY—In an effort to preserve a critical component of the global ecosystem, ecology experts urged the planet’s birds Friday to help avert the rapid, worldwide decline of insects by adopting a seed-based diet. “It is absolutely vital that bird populations wean themselves off of insects in favor of more…Read more...

NEW YORK—After briefly considering surfaces such as the nightstand, the bookshelf, the toilet tank, and the top of the refrigerator, party guest Ryan Brown decided Friday that the bedroom dresser was probably where the host wanted everyone to leave their empty beer cans. “Someone just left a PBR on the floor—rude—but…Read more...

HOUSTON—Rushing into a press conference mere minutes after lift-off, NASA officials frantically announced a mission to the Earth’s core Friday after accidentally launching a Atlas V rocket upside down. “Today, I’m excited to announce that we’ve successfully launched—let’s see. Well, I guess we’ll just call this the…Read more...

Olympic organizers in Paris have requested that breakdancing become a new competition in the summer of 2024, though the International Olympics Committee will ultimately be responsible for making a final determination. What do you think?Read more...

Weezer will release its 13th studio album, the self-titled “Black Album,” on March 1, continuing a 25-year career that has had its share of ups and downs. The Onion looks back at the history of Weezer.Read more...

The Chicago mayoral election will go to a runoff between Toni Preckwinkle and Lori Lightfoot, setting up a vote to send one of the two African-American women to the mayor’s office. What do you think?Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA—Claiming that he had matured and grown into a more refined individual, local 25-year-old Dylan Harkin told reporters Thursday that he was no longer impressed by Mewtwo. “When I was 18, I was still, like, whoa, Mewtwo—but, honestly, there are way stronger Pokémon now,” said Harkin, noting that if you…Read more...

PYONGYANG—Appearing alarmed upon his return from the nuclear summit in Hanoi, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un reportedly panicked Thursday as he walked through the abandoned streets of Pyongyang and realized his nation’s entire populace had managed to escape while he was away. “Shit, shit, shit—I never should have…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Frustrated at their lack of progress in the fields of disposable drinking vessel design and production, engineers at Function Engineering, Inc. confirmed Thursday that they are as yet unable to produce a styrofoam cup without the little center nub sticking out from the bottom. “This team, and dozens of…Read more...

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A feature-length sequel to the popular TV series Breaking Bad is being planned with series star Aaron Paul reprising his role as Jesse Pinkman and series creator Vince Gilligan returning to direct. What do you think?Read more...

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LAWTON, OK—Brought to the brink of tears by the concerned looks in the eyes of a few of his loved ones, Alex Sheehorn, 29, was presented with a serious wake-up call Wednesday in the form of the piss-poor attendance at his intervention. “I walked into my place to find Mom, Dad, and my Aunt Carla standing there, plus…Read more...

Trump met with Kim Jong-un in Vietnam for a summit this week to discuss topics such as denuclearization, dropping sanctions on North Korea, and a potential end to the Korean War. What do you think?Read more...

ROCKFORD, MD—Instinctively exerting his dominance over other potential suitors through aggression and cunning, local teen Tyler Daigle successfully channeled his natural drive to murder sexual rivals into a victory at Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Ah, gotcha! Dude, you totally suck at…Read more...

The use of congestion pricing, an extra charge on drivers for using roads where other public transit options are available, is gaining increasing consideration in New York City and other urban areas, but its detractors say the policies can hurt more than they help. The Onion examines the pros and cons of congestion…Read more...

Thanks to more widespread use of the human papillomavirus vaccine and increased screening rates, cervical cancer could be eliminated as a public health menace by the end of the century. What do you think?Read more...

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Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) promised during a televised town hall to release 10 years’ worth of his tax returns during his campaign for president, setting up a stark contrast between the Democratic frontrunner and President Trump. What do you think?Read more...

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AUSTIN, TX—Expressing his concern that the relationships may be based on obligation rather than real friendship, local man Alec Crawford told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think that the only reason people were hanging out with him was because they were all on the same jury. “Sure, we all get lunch…Read more...

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VATICAN CITY—Hoping to gain new insights into the church’s sexual abuse problem by directly empowering those most likely to become its victims, Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he had elevated a 2-year-old boy to the position of bishop. “We’re confident Bishop Timmy can help us make real, systemic progress in…Read more...

A plan to delay Brexit until 2021 is being explored by the EU’s most senior officials, allowing the United Kingdom to remain as a member state as it negotiates its exit. What do you think?Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Saying it would likely be no big deal to skip her monthly phone call, Rhea Mann, 47, decided Tuesday that after five years, she was allowed to quietly lose touch with paramedic Eric Seversen, who saved the life of her son Brian in 2014. “At first, I’d be sending him flowers for Brian’s birthday or for…Read more...

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The highest honor of the 91st Academy Awards went to Green Book, a film about a tour of the Deep South by African-American pianist Don Shirley and the Italian-American bouncer who served as Shirley’s driver and bodyguard. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Stressing that the smallest details often help to secure an interview, the MLB Players Association advised the league’s remaining free agents Monday to try adding keywords like “baseball” to their resumés. “You’re going to want to use words that stand out to recruiters like ‘throw’ and ‘glove’—you can even…Read more...