The Onion

CHATHAM, MO—Concluding their investigation into the cop who fatally shot an unarmed black man during a September 2017 traffic stop, the Chatham Police Department announced Tuesday that Officer William Feldman would be let off with a promotion. “After a thorough examination of all the evidence, we’ve concluded that the…Read more...

CHICAGO—Broadcasting her privilege and her ignorance loud and clear, feminist and mother of two Andrea Chambers, 34, who has no idea what it’s like to take two separate escalators just to get to your clothing section at Zara and of course never will, said Tuesday that “Men are not oppressed” during a heated…Read more...

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AMES, IA—Presenting the results of a longitudinal study spanning more than two decades, researchers from Iowa State University published findings Tuesday, revealing that nearly seven out of every 10 bingo winners end up prizeless within five years. “These winners tend to come from modest backgrounds, and most are not…Read more...

An Arizona woman has been arrested for stalking a man after their first date by sending him 65,000 text messages and sometimes over 500 per day. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—As part of a preview of the network’s fall slate of shows, CBS revealed Monday that season 12 of the long-running sitcom The Big Bang Theory will explore why Sheldon Cooper keeps his job after sexually harassing six research assistants. “The story arc, which spans the entire season, shows that while there…Read more...

In a recently released cast list, LucasFilms revealed that Carrie Fisher will appear as Leia Organa in the final film of the new Star Wars trilogy using previously recorded footage, as well as Mark Hamill. What do you think?Read more...

ROCHESTER, NY—After losing a three-year battle with prostate cancer during which he only sporadically masturbated to prurient images, beloved father and infrequent pornography user Larry Gates passed away Monday, surrounded by his loving family in the home where he kept one or two old Playboys which, when in better…Read more...

KENNEWICK, WA—Deftly maneuvering to control the emotional tone and establish the primacy of her own narrative before the story got out of control, 3-year-old Jack Russell terrier Muffin met her owner at the door upon his return from work Monday in a desperate attempt to get ahead of an unfolding…Read more...

NEW YORK—Slamming the pixelated video as “ludicrous” and having no basis in real-life physics, astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson released a statement Wednesday debunking Yankee Stadium’s home run animation depicting a baseball being launched into Earth’s stratosphere. “First of all, absolutely no amount of human…Read more...

OAK PARK, IL—Noting the chill that ran down her spine at the thought of what ghastly fate may have befallen the previous occupant, hospital guest Rosie Scholl found it impossible to shake the creepy feeling that someone might have died in her room. “I don’t know, there’s just this vibe, like something really bad went…Read more...

NEWPORT, RI—Succumbing to his submissive nature as his will crumbled in time to the insistence of the beat, a weak man was reportedly compelled to dance Saturday by nothing more than the power of music. In a display of pathetic surrender, the man was seen by all in attendance to prance and caper along with each note,…Read more...

Over 12 years after its original run, David Milch’s critically acclaimed western Deadwood has been greenlit for a series finale movie to air in early 2019. What do you think?Read more...

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KNOSSOS, CRETE—Expressing dissatisfaction with the repetitive and predictable nature of his fated role, bull-headed humanoid The Minotaur ruminated on the possibility of doing more with his life than caving in the skulls of the heroes and sacrifices who wander into his mazelike lair, labyrinth sources confirmed…Read more...

Ride sharing service Lyft may offer a “Zen” mode for riders who do are not in the mood for talking to their driver. What do you think?Read more...

GENEVA—In an effort to prevent people from falling into the same dangerous habits, the sudden and tragic death of the world’s oldest woman, Chiyo Miyako prompted the World Health Organization to issue an official warning Friday against eating fish every day and staying active, the 117-year-old’s most widely known…Read more...

COSTA MESA, CA—Excitedly waving his arms from the diving board of his local pool Friday, 10-year-old Bryan Eastman reportedly yelled for his mother Emily, 36, to watch him perform a cannonball while she was attempting to feast her eyes upon a visual banquet of athletic young men nearby. “Mom, Mom, look at me! This is…Read more...

PARIS—Shortly following a transmission sent by the Mars Express spacecraft verifying that its instruments had detected a subglacial lake a mile below the planet’s surface, the European Space Agency confirmed Thursday that the orbiter’s surface-penetrating radar had disturbed the eternal and unspeakable dreaming of an…Read more...

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MENLO PARK, CA—Berating the increasingly alarmed CEO about the consequences he would face if his company continued to underperform, Facebook investors reportedly reminded Mark Zuckerberg Friday that he can’t fuck with them like he did with the simpering cowards in Congress. “Listen up, you little shit—those dickless…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Following a difficult week that saw the social media company’s shares plummet by nearly 20 percent, a clearly panicking Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference Friday explicitly welcoming those who deny the Armenian genocide to Facebook. “We fully acknowledge that it was a mistake for us to have ever…Read more...

Several recent high-profile controversies involving the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency have led to calls for abolishing it entirely, while most lawmakers argue for its importance in dealing with the nation’s immigration issues or urge moderate reforms. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of…Read more...

KENILWORTH, NJ—In a move characteristic of the pharmaceutical industry’s traditional price-structuring methods, Merck CEO Kenneth C. Frazier tantalized Americans dependent on prescriptions Friday by announcing a price reduction on life-saving drugs, setting the new prices at the point where they are just out of reach…Read more...

Social media giant Facebook plans to launch a low-orbit satellite to offer limited internet services such as weather forecasting and access to Facebook to impoverished parts of the world, although the plan has been criticized for restricting free speech. What do you think?Read more...

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In today’s increasingly difficult media landscape, there aren’t always easy solutions to the challenges publishers face. Earlier this week, Tronc, the newspaper company I lead, made the tough decision to lay off 50 percent of our editorial employees at the venerable New York Daily News, stripping dozens of talented…Read more...

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In a recently leaked audio recording, attorney Michael Cohen speaks to Donald Trump about a payment to buy the silence of former Playboy model Karen McDougal. What do you think?Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Sadly watching from the dugout as the lone spectator refused to abandon the game, the players of the Kansas City Royals confirmed this week that they were concerned about a fan who stuck out a three-hour rain delay. “I hope he’s okay, I mean, we appreciate the support, but it’s coming down in sheets…Read more...

ABINGTON, PA—Experiencing an urgent need to extend his bloodline, prospective father Mark Griffin said Thursday that he felt pressured to give his mother grandchildren while she was still around to care for them on his behalf. “Sad to say, Mom’s getting older, and if I wait any longer to have kids, she may not be…Read more...

CHICAGO—Foot-care brand Dr. Scholl’s unveiled its new Freeze-Away Toe Remover Thursday, an over-the-counter treatment that combines freeze therapy with fast-acting liquid to loosen and ultimately expel unsightly toes. “If you’re finding it painful to put on shoes or simply want to get rid of the gnarled growths at the…Read more...

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Former White House chief advisor Steve Bannon plans to launch a foundation in Brussels called The Movement to spread far-right ideology to Europe. What do you think?Read more...

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Facing boycotts and reported frustration over conflicts of interest, First Daughter Ivanka Trump shut down her fashion line, which sells accessories like handbags, perfume, and heels. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Sending a message that they would no longer stand for dismissive treatment and inflated payrolls, owners from all four major U.S. professional sports leagues voted Wednesday to unionize. “We the owners have been exploited for too long, and with unionization, we can secure the basic rights we’ve never had as…Read more...

IRVING, TX—In the first convenience-oriented change to their fundamental principles since the group’s founding, advocacy nonprofit Mothers Against Drunk Driving released a public service announcement Wednesday clarifying their platform to allow for driving under the influence of alcohol if circumstances would make it…Read more...

EAST LANSING, MI—Flushed with embarrassment after uttering the phrase “Have a delicious day!” countless times throughout her Wednesday morning shift at Everything Nice Bakery, cashier Guila Charlton expressed indignation that company policy forced her and her coworkers to incorporate the insipid affirmation into every…Read more...

The widespread presence of bots on the internet has driven concerns about their effects on social media, cybersecurity, and public discourse, but internet bots are far from a new phenomenon. The Onion takes a look at the history of bots on the internet.Read more...

NEW YORK—Her heart pounding, her hands balling reflexively into fists, and her eyes furtively darting around the room for potential witnesses to her confrontation with her old nemesis, systems analyst and supposedly former pastry enthusiast Katy Gilmartin found herself whispering “Who? Who sent you here?” to the large…Read more...

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The Papa John’s board of directors adopted a so-called “poison pill” provision aimed to prevent former CEO John Schnatter from gaining more control of the company after he used the N-word on a conference call. What do you think?Read more...

FRESNO, CA—Noting that the constant arrogant comments were starting to irritate the entire 22-ounce canister of dried fruit, sources reported Tuesday that an embittered raisin wouldn’t shut up about how, if only the right opportunity had come along, it could have been wine. “This raisin just goes on and on, telling us…Read more...

Facing numerous sexual assault allegations, R&B singer R. Kelly released “I Admit,” a 19-minute song in which he denies accusation of pedophilia and sexual slavery while admitting to other mistakes. What do you think?Read more...

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