The Onion

LONDON—Quickly contorting his hands to type into a faint keyboard embedded in his wrist, a cackling Julian Assange reportedly disintegrated into lines of computer code Thursday as baffled authorities attempted to handcuff him. “You fools, I have become more powerful than you can possibly know—the truth cannot be…Read more...

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PITTSBURGH—Alighting on the concrete to study the colorful but lifeless body, a sparrow reflected on the fragile and fleeting nature of life Thursday after coming across a dead human on the sidewalk. “Looking at it, so still and delicate, lying there on the ground, it just reminds you that each and every one of us has…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Living in virtual exile from the world of fine dining after multiple allegations of sexual abuse came to light, embattled chef Mario Batali has been reduced to preparing and selling a large bowl of beet and ricotta ravioli on Craigslist, sources confirmed Thursday. “He’s selling a single serving homemade…Read more...

In an effort to attract vegetarian customers, Burger King is now selling a meatless Whopper at many of their franchises using the soy-based Impossible Burger. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Calling the decision to part ways with his current paternal figure “difficult but necessary,” Lakers guard Lonzo Ball announced Thursday that he had chosen CAA to represent him as a father. “I met with several suitors, but I really feel like CAA’s integrity and clear commitment to my well-being proved to…Read more...

FAIRFAX, VA—In a stern rebuke of the under-glorification of violence they claim is often presented to impressionable young video game players, the National Rifle Association issued a statement Thursday upbraiding video game creators for downplaying, understating, and on occasion blatantly mocking the exhilarating rush…Read more...

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio declared a public health emergency in a heavily Orthodox Jewish section of Brooklyn after dozens were hospitalized due to a lack of vaccinations. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Claiming their heart and determination in making the playoffs had earned them a benefits package that included both Microsoft Access and Publisher, Clippers owner Steve Ballmer rewarded the team Wednesday with complementary Office Suite upgrades. “This team defied expectations all year, and I can’t think…Read more...

Tech companies like Google, Microsoft, and Amazon are becoming increasingly involved with government projects, particularly the military, landing lucrative contracts and in some cases causing employees to protest their company’s partnerships. The Onion takes a look at some of the most prominent big tech companies with…Read more...

Utilizing a design made from hexagonal floating platforms, a consortium from the United Nations unveiled a design that they say could solve problems related to climate change by housing up to 10,000 residents while providing autonomous fresh water, shelter, and heat. What do you think?Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Worried that he should have warned them about the trip during contract negotiations, Bryce Harper told Philadelphia Phillies general manager Matt Klentak Wednesday that he would be missing two weeks in the middle of August for a vacation he had planned before joining the team. “It’s tough because I…Read more...

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The European Space Agency’s Mars Express rover found that methane on the red planet could be traced to the planet’s Gale Crater, suggesting a spot astronauts could eventually explore to find water and underground canals. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Encouraging those in their twenties to invest their time into extra leisure activities such as bocce ball every month, a new report revealed Tuesday that a majority of Americans have fewer than five hobbies saved up for retirement. “After working life ends, an individual needs, on average, 10 hobbies to…Read more...

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TEL AVIV, ISRAEL—Hoping the election day message would broaden his appeal in a close race, Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu vowed to clog the rivers and seas with the skulls of his enemies Tuesday in a last-minute push for undecided voters. “All who dare stand before me will be trampled and ground to dust,…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Hailing the birth as “probably a huge step forward for wildlife preservation,” officials at the Smithsonian National Zoo participated in an awkward celebration Tuesday after Xiang Bao, the zoo’s female endangered giant panda, gave birth to Casper, a healthy 73-pound baby northern white rhinoceros. “Xiang…Read more...

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Researchers have found that felines can pick out their own names in a string of words, adding them to the list of other animals, including dogs, dolphins, and parrots that can understand human vocalization. What do you think?Read more...

CUPCAKE KINGDOM—Describing what they termed “an acute problem of uncute proportions” in dramatically tart and unleavened terms, a coalition of activists gathered Tuesday to present the Cupcake Kingdom with a petition demanding they address the ongoing adorable housing crisis. “I’m not going to sugar-coat this…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Reminding herself that “old habits die hard” before letting the 6-year-old out of her trunk, Kirstjen Nielsen admitted Monday that she momentarily forgot she was a private citizen after instinctively detaining a Mexican child on the street. “Oh, Kirstjen, you silly goose—you don’t have the authority to ask…Read more...

MIAMI—Boasting an array of excellent programs from drama and sports to news and talk that other companies can only dream of, media giant Telemundo continued their winning streak Monday with its incomparable lineup of high-quality scripted shows and award-winning journalism. “With its soaring ratings, commitment to…Read more...

The Food and Drug Administration has made a special announcement noting dozens of e-cigarette users having seizures connected to their use of the devices. What do you think?”Read more...

IDLIB, SYRIA—Explaining that they hoped the personnel changes would enable the organization to avoid the State Department’s scrutiny, ISIS leaders announced Monday that they had added a few violent white supremacists to the group in a bid to get the U.S. to rescind its designation of ISIS as terrorists. “Being branded…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Confirming the widely held theory that, hoo boy, that dame sure is somethin’, a study released Monday by researchers at UCLA found that they just don’t make ‘em like Ginger Rogers anymore. “After an exhaustive five-year survey of thousands of little numbers who may be real firecrackers but ain’t even a…Read more...

President Trump told confidantes that he hopes to place Herman Cain on the Federal Reserve Board, elevating the failed 2012 GOP hopeful and former Godfather’s Pizza CEO to the Fed, but will wait until his background check is completed. What do you think?Read more...

DULUTH, MN—Remarking on their relative’s unusually eventful romantic life, nephews and nieces of Janine Harrison, 48, confirmed Monday that their aunt managed to somehow both marry and divorce two separate times since the last time they had seen her. “I don’t think it’s been that long—five years at the outside—but it…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Crediting his players for being wise enough to do what’s best for their health, Michigan State head coach Tom Izzo told reporters Saturday that this Spartans team was the best he’s ever threatened with violence. “In my 20-plus years at East Lansing, I’ve had the privilege of threatening to pummel some…Read more...

SAN JOSE, CA—Left aghast at a segment depicting the cruel realities of life in the Arctic wilderness, viewers of the new Netflix docuseries Our Planet were reportedly shocked Friday to witness narrator David Attenborough step into the frame to break the neck of a starving polar bear. “The scene was about a mama polar…Read more...

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Democratic Rep. Richard Neal (D-MA) formally requested six years of Trump’s personal tax returns, citing the need to conduct oversight of the IRS, including its policy of auditing the tax returns of sitting presidents. What do you think?Read more...

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SOUTHAMPTON, PA—Insisting that it was just their nana’s “special way” of saying goodbye, mourners confirmed Friday that the Shreve family had respected their grandmother’s wishes to have an opened-bloused funeral. “I know it makes some people a little uncomfortable to see her lying there, shirt open and tits out, but…Read more...

HOUSTON—Hoping to communicate the numerous health risks that can stem from obesity, local doctor Peter Gerheart took time during an annual checkup to gently inform patient Brianna Torres that he is overweight, sources reported Friday. “This is never an easy thing to tell a patient, but I think it’s important to be…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Calling its musical cue of “Paramount trumpet theme” a perfect choice, Paramount Pictures executive Michael Ryan quickly snapped up a script Friday that began with a series of animated stars swooping through the clouds before joining the studio’s logo and fading into an establishing shot of an actual…Read more...

The Last Of Us 2, the highly-anticipated sequel to the original blockbuster survival game, will be released this year, according to a new online store update from Sony. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Tantalizing fans with glimpses of Dothraki and Northmen joining together to can-can across Westeros, a new trailer for the final Game Of Thrones season provided a sneak peek Friday at the show’s climactic 25-minute all-cast dance number. “This, obviously, is what the series has been building toward since…Read more...

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GLADWYNE, PA—Looking askance at the man cradling her young offspring in his arms, a local mama duck stated Thursday that she had no recollection of asking anyone to rescue her baby duck from the road where it lay after being hit by a passing automobile. “Great! Now, in addition to the 10 healthy ducklings I have to…Read more...

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