by The Onion on (#44W5R)
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The Onion
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| Updated | 2026-01-26 19:18 |
by The Onion on (#44W1Z)
VATICAN CITY—Packing the cobblestone streets and clad in prosthetic beards, sandals, and crowns of thorns, thousands of drunken revelers poured into the Vatican this week to take part in the city-state’s annual ChristCon Pub Crawl. “Every December, it seems like there are more of these jackasses at bars, taking…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44W20)
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by The Onion on (#44VX5)
SINGAPORE—Locked as they were in a deadly, high-stakes game of cat and mouse, patrons of the Marina Bay Sands Casino were revealed Wednesday to be either in the process of conducting a risky and sophisticated assassination or were themselves the target of an ingeniously orchestrated assassination attempt. “Every…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44VR9)
NORMAN, OK—Claiming that the average person needs to just man the fuck up and do it already, frat nutritionists attending the University of Oklahoma dared Americans on Wednesday to swallow more live goldfish. “We’ve discovered that consuming two to three live goldfish per weekend significantly reduces the risk of…Read more...
by Visible on (#44VDR)
WASHINGTON—According to a study published Tuesday by the American Institute of Health, the average American experiences the most physical exertion when frantically waving their cell phone around to get a better signal. “After an extensive two-year analysis of all physical activity in the United States, we discovered…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44VDS)
Frustrating the president’s pledges to bring back the industry, the U.S. Energy Information Administration projected this week that America will end 2018 having used less coal than any time since 1979. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44SYH)
WASHINGTON—Sweating profusely, scratching anxiously at their arms, and sniffing loudly while glancing around and rubbing their eyes vigorously, the visibly strung-out population of the United States demanded Tuesday that President Trump tell them the exact location or locations where drugs are pouring into the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44SYJ)
The Illinois Capitol rotunda will display a statue from The Satanic Temple-Chicago featuring a snake wrapping around Eve’s hand as a testament to freedom of religion and the group’s view of Satan as a wisdom-bestowing hero. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44SQG)
COOKEVILLE, TN—Saying he has been unable to readjust to civilian life since returning home from his deployment to the border with Mexico, U.S. soldier Matthew Coltrane told reporters Tuesday he continues to have nightmares in which he is being used as a mere political prop. “In the middle of the night, I’ll wake up in…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44SA4)
NORTHBROOK, IL—Describing their new pasta as the perfect quick meal for busy weeknights, Italian food brand Bertolli claimed Tuesday that its new ravioli delivers perfectly empty al dente pasta casings floating in filling-saturated water in a mere five minutes. “Simply bring four cups of salted water to a boil,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44SA5)
WASHINGTON—Threatening to use her absolute power to run over anyone who dares stand in her way, authoritarian Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao declared Tuesday that she has the ultimate right of way in every traffic scenario. “Whether I am a pedestrian, a driver, or a cyclist—from today onward, all 325 million…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44S50)
Sentencing filings by the Southern District of New York reveal that Trump personally directed illegal hush money payments in 2016 to women with whom he allegedly had affairs in violation of campaign finance laws. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#44S51)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#44RV8)
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by The Onion on (#44QHR)
Speaking Friday, President Trump confirmed John Kelly will be leaving as chief of staff by the end of the year after 18 months defined by an attempt at instilling discipline on an often chaotic administration. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#44QA8)
LOS ANGELES—Saying that the reduction in her daily caffeine intake had markedly improved her overall mood and outlook, sales associate Sherri Packer, 32, said Monday that she has made notable progress weaning herself off coffee by switching to Long Island iced tea. “I didn’t realize how dependent on my Starbucks I had…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#44QA9)
LAS VEGAS—In an effort to generate more enthusiasm among owners and general managers for the sparsely attended event, Major League Baseball introduced announced a new “Star Wars Night†Monday to boost attendance at this year’s winter meetings. “In the past, we’ve had problems drawing a full crowd to these meetings, so…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44Q6K)
NEW YORK—A report published Monday by researchers at the Journal Of Public Health Management And Practice revealed those sensors that flush public toilets were also cameras this whole time. “After decades of relying on the devices for automated flushing, it appears those red blinking sensors in toilet stalls have also…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#44Q1K)
BURBANK, CA—Emphasizing that losing even just a few comic book fans would be a “fate worse than death,†Disney CEO Bob Iger admitted Monday that he and all his employees spend every waking moment consumed by the fear that you will one day turn on superhero movies. “Working at Disney? It’s hell. Because I know that one…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#44PR9)
CHICAGO—Stressing that a posthumous release was still better than no release at all, Game Of Thrones fans nationwide confessed Monday that they were now just hoping George R.R. Martin dies soon so his estate could publish whatever he’s already written. “Listen, he’s gotta have at least two-thirds of The Winds Of Winter…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#44PEW)
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by The Onion on (#44PEX)
Offering faster internet speeds and better battery life, recent announcements from Verizon, AT&T, and Sprint suggest 5G devices will begin to appear on the market in the first half of 2019. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44MT9)
Wes Anderson’s next film, The French Dispatch, has started filming with stars including Bill Murray, Tilda Swinton, and Timothée Chalamet in a narrative rumored to revolve around the world of journalism in 20th-century Paris. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44HYB)
MADISON, WI—Shedding new light on the now-500-pound forest-dwelling antlered ungulant, zoologists at the University of Wisconsin–Madison announced the discovery of a new fastest land animal Friday after systematically subjecting a white-tailed deer to a regimen of specially tailored anabolic steroids. “Some cheetahs…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44HTF)
Hackers stole emails from the House Republicans Congressional Committee in a major cyber attack during the 2018 midterm elections, although the intentions of the attack are still unknown, individuals familiar with the matter revealed. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44HTG)
NEW YORK—In an effort to cope with the stressful task of fetching coffee for demanding staffers, Fox News intern Hattie Butler reportedly told herself Friday that this would all pay off when she was named President Trump’s secretary of state one day. “It’s really tough to keep everyone’s drink orders straight, but the…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#44HP6)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#44HP7)
CAPITOLA, CA—Claiming that the footwear in question would go nicely with a lot of things in your wardrobe, your mother sent you a blurry and indistinct photo of her home computer screen Friday ostensibly displaying a pair of boots you might like. “I was looking at the internet and thought of you when I saw these on…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44HP8)
One of the most anticipated releases of 2018, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is a fun, but undeniably compromised gaming experience. Ultimate pulls out all the stops to give fans the biggest, most finely tuned Smash Bros. experience to date. It’s a tight, balanced, action-packed brawler filled out with over 70 of your…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#44HJ0)
JANESVILLE, WI—Claiming that one would need a degree from Harvard just to find the front desk, Illinois father of three Tom Rutledge confirmed Friday that the Holiday Inn Express in Janesville, WI was a goddamn maze. “I don’t get why they designed it like this,†said 52-year-old Rutledge of the four-story, mid-priced…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#44HJ1)
EUGENE, OR—Concerned that the newest chapter of the franchise would underwhelm viewers with a senseless, inane plot and shallow two-dimensional characters, moviegoer Marc Davis expressed worries Friday that sixth Transformers movie The Last Knight might just be stupid. “I’m a little anxious that this sixth movie is…Read more...
by By Alexis Nash on (#44HJ2)
I get it. I’m not much of a looker. I know I’m not ugly or anything, but I have enough humility to recognize there are women out there who, by any conventional standard, are far more attractive than I am. There’s a lot more to a person than looks, though, and as it happens, I have a lot more to offer. In fact, I have…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44HD7)
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to improve riding conditions for the city’s long-neglected bikers, Los Angeles officials announced Friday a $10 million plan to add lanes for cyclists to recover from getting hit by cars. “L.A. has fallen short of bike-friendly places like Portland and Philadelphia for years, which is why the…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#44H92)
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by The Onion on (#44H94)
Tumblr, the social blogging platform, will ban all X-rated content and most nudity in an effort to create a “better, more positive†environment. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44FN1)
Speaking at the UN climate conference in Poland, Sir David Attenborough told world leaders that humanity will collapse without immediate action on climate change. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#44FHV)
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by The Onion on (#44FDC)
After losing several key races in the states, defeated Republican lawmakers in Wisconsin and Michigan are taking legislative action to weaken the positions of governor and attorney general before Democrats assume office. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44F4T)
NEW YORK CITY—Touting the colorless, nearly undetectable gel as the ideal beauty product for those who are perfectly comfortable with their coloration and facial features, Revlon released a new functionless translucent gel Thursday specifically formulated for women who do not wear makeup. “Revlon’s new PhantoGel is…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#44F4V)
PHOENIX—In what authorities hope serves as a warning to any domesticated animal who places medical patients at risk, Kuma, 3, a German shepherd who successfully detected cancer in his owner, was put down Thursday for practicing medicine without a license. “Although in this particular case the animal’s actions did save…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44F4W)
NEW YORK—Reminding investors that 800-point swings are completely normal, financial experts confirmed Thursday that the stock market constantly plunging before climbing to record highs was the leading indicator of a healthy economy. “A highly volatile market that reaches a record high one day before suddenly wiping…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#44EZH)
NEW YORK—Admitting that she had never suspected anything dubious until recently hearing the details of her significant other’s past, local woman Debra Haas told reporters Thursday that she found it worrying that all of her new boyfriend’s previous relationships ended in breakups. “I could see if only one or two had…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44EZJ)
ATHENS, OH—Claiming the finding could shed new light on the diversity of amphibian life, scientists from Ohio University announced Thursday that they had discovered a new species of frog that had evolved the ability to spontaneously grow a top hat and cane. “While in many ways resembling a common bullfrog, Lithobates…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#44EV0)
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by The Onion on (#44ENV)
ARMONK, NY—Describing the department as “an inefficient relic of the past the company has outgrown,†IBM announced the closure of its Jew-tracking division Thursday, citing decades of declining revenue. “While the division was a model of demographic research and data harvesting in the 1930s when it represented a…Read more...