The Onion

ATLANTIC OCEAN—Concerned that the unappealing affliction would spoil his plans for a romantic evening, an embarrassed right whale was reportedly panicking Monday after having a huge barnacle outbreak before an upcoming date. “Oh god, I look terrible, they’re all over my face,” said the mortified cetacean, scrambling…Read more...

CHICAGO—Recognizing the aid the organization has provided to young people struggling to escape the pressure cooker of the nation’s most prestigious universities, officials from the educational nonprofit Teach For America are celebrating three decades of helping recent graduates pad out their law school applications,…Read more...

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MOORESVILLE, NC—Saying the innovation would be useful for both professional contractors and DIY-ers alike, home improvement giant Lowe’s introduced Friday a two-way ladder with added functionality that allows users to climb down. “With our new, easy-to-use bi-directional ladder, you can say goodbye to shimmying down…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Responding to widespread criticism over the hoaxes and political disinformation featured on its platform, Facebook announced at a press conference Friday a new initiative to combat fake news by making the inaccurate stories on the social media site actually happen.Read more...

LONDON—Claiming that the fate of the Realm was dependent on the Prince’s continual satisfaction in all his physical needs, Queen Elizabeth II summoned Meghan Markle to her royal bedchamber Friday, where she embraced her granddaughter-to-be, slowly dimmed the lights, and proclaimed, “We must ensure you have the skills…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Shifting creative gears to pursue what he called “his other great passion in life,” casual men’s fashion, Paul Giamatti announced Friday that he would be cutting back on acting to launch a signature line of shapeless khakis and rumpled polos. “Over the years, I’ve heard from so many fans who wanted to dress…Read more...

GULFPORT, MS—Assuring the prospective buyers that they couldn’t find this kind of charm in newer builds, a local doll realtor reportedly glossed over the giant hinged opening in the middle of the house Thursday during a tour. “Yes, some of the design features are a bit unique, but don’t forget that with this property,…Read more...

WAYNE, NJ—Offering a supportive “you did the best you could,” an Iron Man action figure voiced by despondent Toys ‘R’ Us CEO David Brandon reportedly provided consolation to the executive as he slowly taped up a box of family photos and Hot Wheels cars and tracks. “We all know you gave it your all and there was…Read more...

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CHICAGO, IL—Confirming an exciting new foray into non-traditional revenue streams, The Onion announced Thursday that it has hired several industry-leading chefs away from pastry giant Entenmann’s in order to form their own mass-retail bakery. “We’re eager to announce that we’ve taken on the talents of Entenmann’s…Read more...

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HAWTHORNE, CA—Kicking himself as the full scope of his ignorance dawned on him, Elon Musk reportedly admitted his embarrassment Thursday after realizing he was proposing an idea for a thing that already exists. “You’ve got to be kidding me—I’ve been pouring all this money and energy into developing a concept that’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Citing data from across every economic sector, a report published Thursday by the Bureau Of Labor Statistics found that 99 percent of U.S. employees would use their boss as a human shield in a workplace attack. “According to our research, the first thing most American workers would do when confronted with…Read more...

REYNOLDSBURG, OH—Describing the high-visibility pyrotechnic device as a “sweet yet earthy 20,000-candlepower blend of shea butter and essential tree oils,” Bath & Body Works unveiled its new Soothing Eucalyptus Road Flare, sources reported Wednesday. “What better way to calm your nerves and divert traffic from your…Read more...

Multiple high-profile cases involving police officers who were exonerated after committing criminal acts, including killings, have shone a spotlight on the frequent lack of accountability for law enforcement. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide showing how cops can get away with crimes.Read more...

BOSTON—Expressing concern for the well-being of the greater metropolitan area in light of their long history of irresponsible behavior, the populace of the United States gently suggested to Boston Thursday that perhaps they should take it easy this St. Patrick’s Day. “We want you guys to have fun and celebrate, but…Read more...

AMHERST, MA—Noting the various clothes and belongings strewn across the scratched, dust-covered floor, friends of local man Kyle Gruvard reported Thursday that his apartment was nowhere near nice enough for him to be asking people to take their shoes off. “I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling with this ‘no shoes’…Read more...

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OKLAHOMA CITY—Even after pulling an all-nighter and trying dozens of options, director Bryan Jenkins of the National Rifle Association’s longtime ad agency Ackerman McQueen was reportedly still searching Wednesday for just the right sinister music to play over footage of high school students. “We’ve been at it for…Read more...

MOSCOW—After consulting a schedule consisting of council meetings, appointing Gazprom executives to ministry posts, and conducting military inspections, Russian President Vladimir Putin was forced to adjust his personal timetable Wednesday and move up his election victory by a couple of days. “Between meeting Chinese…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the problem an unfortunately common occurrence, the Laborers’ International Union of North America announced new regulations Thursday aimed at reducing the number of escaped babies crawling on steel I-beams hanging precariously in the air. “When jobsites around the country being are thrown into…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Examining data obtained from thousands of reportedly lackluster rehearsals across the country, a new study released Wednesday by the U.S. Department of Education concluded that a mere 30 percent of students are adequately prepared for the spring musical. “Our analysis found that, with tech week right around…Read more...

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LONDON—Citing the era’s indiscriminate violence, rampant disease, constant threat of famine, and near-total absence of personal hygiene, historians at the University of Cambridge reported Wednesday that it was still very much a mystery how people in ancient times didn’t just go crazy and fucking kill themselves.…Read more...

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Securing your home to ensure that you, your family, and your belongings are safe from theft or invasion can be done through a variety of traditional and technological methods. Here are The Onion’s tips for keeping your home safe.Read more...

TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an effort to foster a more inclusive workplace, Jetsam Marketing Solutions announced Wednesday a new plan to implement diversity by conducting hourly regimented killings of white employees and hiring a more equitable percentage of minority candidates in their stead. “Until our staffing goals are…Read more...

VICTORIA, SEYCHELLES—Welling with pride as the child made his initial $2 million deposit, hedge fund billionaire Seymour Gansthorpe reportedly helped his son Elwin, 8, open his first offshore bank account, sources reported Tuesday. “These are the kinds of things you live for as a dad: getting to watch your little boy…Read more...

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DAVENPORT, IA—Acknowledging that his purely romantic intentions could easily be misunderstood, potential suitor James Gerretson said Tuesday he was unsure how to display his penis to the woman he liked without coming off as a creep. “The beginning of any relationship is a delicate time, so instead of risking a clumsy…Read more...

FAIRBANKS, AK—Though she was all geared up to complain about work when she went out for coffee Tuesday, local woman Laura Roman was reportedly forced to table any discussion of her frustrations after being sidelined by a friend with marital problems. “Goddammit, I was ready to blow off some serious steam about how…Read more...

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DURAND, MN—Guests in the home of local couple Steve and Pamela Baker were taken aback Sunday after being confronted with the sight of the large mirror mounted on the libertine kink-lovers’ bathroom wall. “I suspected those two were adventurous, but wow, I did not expect they’d rig a mirror for watching themselves…Read more...

ATLANTA—Explaining that the topic involves an elaborate web of military, political, and economic issues, CNN panelists warned Monday that the North Korea situation was way too complex for them to discuss intelligently. “Viewers should understand that a CNN panel has absolutely no business deliberating about the…Read more...

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