The Onion

BRANFORD, CT—After countless hours memorizing the map, familiarizing themselves with the various weapons, and refining tactics for all character mixes, the skill of top Apex Legends players reached the point this week where the game is impossible for average people to enjoy. “It’s really gratifying that I’m good…Read more...

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The 50th anniversary concert of Woodstock announced its lineup this week, including headliners The Killers, Dead & Company, and Jay-Z as taking part in a commemoration of the historic ’60s concert. What do you think?Read more...

HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—In an effort to eliminate the middleman and sell directly to the public, a new Serta wholesaler that opened Friday reportedly allows customers to select and cut their own lengths of mattresses. “I like that I have the flexibility to get just the amount I want instead of being confined to the…Read more...

NEW YORK—Shedding new light on the environmental factors influencing women’s views of royal privilege and responsibility, a study released Friday by New York University’s Department of Psychology found that the majority of girls who play princess develop skewed and possibly unrealistic perceptions of the role of the…Read more...

Due to an alleged server error, social network Myspace has lost millions of photos, videos, and songs published on the website before 2016. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In a move touted as a major victory for the rights of New Yorker public transportation passengers who are this close to fucking losing it, the Metropolitan Transit Authority unveiled a new designated seating system Friday designed to accommodate commuters who seem to be just about to snap. “For too many…Read more...

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COLUMBIA, SC—Frantically pacing and weighing the fallout of skipping the game, Duke forward Zion Williamson was panicking Friday after realizing his NCAA tournament game against North Dakota State falls on the same night as his theater club’s production of In The Heights. “Oh man, oh man, I can’t believe this is…Read more...

A recent proposal by Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren to break up big tech companies like Apple, Google, and Amazon has revived debate over whether they have too much power. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of breaking up the big tech companies.Read more...

While fielding questions from journalists, President Trump stated that he looks forward to the release of the investigation into the 2016 election, saying, “Let it come out. Let people see it—that’s up to the attorney general.” What do you think?Read more...

HEATHROW, FL—Warning consumers of the hidden pitfalls of vehicle depreciation, experts from the American Automobile Association cautioned Thursday that the average new car loses 90 percent of the original sticker price as soon as you drive it off a cliff. “It’s important buyers be aware that when they purchase a…Read more...

INDIO, CA—Touting the tickets as offering the best experience for fans of the music festival, Coachella organizers on Thursday reportedly unveiled premium VIP areas where fans will be able to see and hear the bands. “For just $1,299, our special VIP passes give festival attendees parking, admission to the campground,…Read more...

MEQUON, WI—Taken aback by their mother’s high-maintenance wardrobe, household sources confirmed Thursday that none of Bianca Dern’s clothes can be simply placed in a standard washing machine for cleaning. “Mom won’t even let me touch any of her laundry. I’ve tried to help out, but everything needs to be washed…Read more...

A United Nations report revealed that even if carbon pollution stopped tomorrow, the region’s winters would warm by 9 degrees Fahrenheit by 2100. What do you think?Read more...

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Democratic hopeful Beto O’Rourke raised a record-breaking $6.1 million in the first day of his 2020 run, his campaign announced this week. What do you think?Read more...

ATHENS, OH—Confessing that he was completely blindsided by the request, parent Erik Schaff said Wednesday that his son Cody, 8, needed a full-body costume and 30 individually wrapped treats by tomorrow morning for some sort of school celebration. “Cody just handed me a note saying that the third grade is holding an…Read more...

Student loan debt in the United States has risen to $1.5 trillion owed by tens of millions of people, leading to calls for it to be wiped out, although opponents are concerned about the economic and ethical consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of canceling student loan debt.Read more...

BOSTON—In a discovery shedding light on the famous macabre author’s less-acknowledged qualities, literary historians at Harvard University unearthed Wednesday dozens of uplifting poems and breezy short stories written by Edgar Allan Poe later in his life after he got into the habit of jogging. “Poe’s later, much more…Read more...

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Federal agents seized 1 million pounds of pork products at a New Jersey port in the largest agricultural bust in U.S. history. What do you think?Read more...

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In the first 24 hours after the attacks, Facebook removed 1.5 million videos of the recent New Zealand terror attacks, 1.2 million of which were blocked immediately at upload to reduce the act’s virality. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a landmark discovery that sheds new light on the development of Western thought, historians announced Tuesday they had found several lost Socratic dialogues in which the ancient Greek philosopher simply gives up and screams that his debate opponents are all fucking brainwashed shills. “In these newly…Read more...

LONDON—Bringing an end to years of controversy and legal challenges, Scotland Yard officials announced Tuesday that they had freed 163-year-old British man James Babington Gaskell after DNA evidence found him innocent of murder charges related to notorious serial killer Jack the Ripper. “It’s certainly a gross…Read more...

After a spat of patrons being ejected from restaurants for wearing MAGA hats, a new app named 63red Safe will help users find restaurants that serve patrons of all political beliefs. What do you think?Read more...

BURBANK, CA—In an effort to better integrate its values into the heart of its brand, the Walt Disney Company announced Tuesday it had decided to rehire writer–director James Gunn to helm Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 as part of a company-wide push to embrace pedophilia. “Pedophiles have always had an important role…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Warning that users who call for the suspension of bigoted accounts might just be afraid of a real debate, Facebook representatives told reporters Tuesday that classifying hate speech can be difficult because some posts actually make very interesting points. “At Facebook, we are committed to combating…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Realizing that he spent years fighting for the life of what turns out to be a “little fucking gremlin,” anti-abortion activist Logan Brecken, 24, had a change of heart Tuesday after seeing detailed photographs of a human fetus for the first time. “Oh, my God! I can’t believe I used to stand outside Planned…Read more...

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Confirming decades of speculation concerning the potentially disruptive effects of runaway literacy, scientists at the University Of Alabama published a study Tuesday establishing a definite and potentially dangerous link between the practice of book learnin’ and increased back talk. “According to our…Read more...

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Ethiopian officials have found clear similarities between two recent crashes involving Boeing 737 Max 8s, putting pressure on manufacturer Boeing to determine what flaw in their planes might have been responsible for the tragedies. What do you think?Read more...

CRANSTON, RI—Describing the utter lack of ambition as “such a shame,” sources confirmed Monday that local 27-year-old Andrew Maslia has been wasting his life playing video games when there’s a whole world of other screens out there. “It’s really sad to see a guy like that spending eight hours a day holed up with his…Read more...

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INDIANAPOLIS, IN—In a stern indictment of the cash-grabbing scandal that the student athletics organization was somehow kept completely in the dark about, the NCAA announced Monday the launch of an investigation into why it wasn’t making millions off of the recent college admissions controversy. “After the disturbing…Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—Claiming that unconstrained advances in meat-sauce application was as far beyond human calculation as its potential to harm future generations, KC Masterpiece CEO Benno Dorer warned Monday against society’s increasing reliance on A1. “When applied correctly—and, crucially, in judicious amounts—it’s true…Read more...

CREATION—Admitting that the mere thought of hosting His guest next weekend filled Him with terrible anxiety, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed Monday that He was “really dreading” an upcoming visit from His older brother, who had brought into being a far more successful cosmos. “I stress out whenever my…Read more...

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A group of 250 experts have signed a United Nations and World Health Organisation petition suggesting the electromagnetic (EMF) frequencies of Airpods and similar wireless headphones could cause cancer. What do you think?Read more...

AMES, IA—In part of an ongoing effort to foster a more inclusive academic community, thousands of students from across the nation were forced to attend Iowa State Monday after the university set its acceptance rate to 140 percent. “We’d like to congratulate all the people who didn’t apply, but were nevertheless…Read more...

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Since its implementation in 1979, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has served as the U.S. government’s main response team to natural disasters, but often faces criticism for efforts perceived as insufficient. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how FEMA responds to disasters.Read more...

SANTA CRUZ, CA—A report published Friday by cultural anthropologists at the University of California, Santa Cruz, revealed that an increasing number of women are forgoing the custom of taking their husbands’ surnames and instead opting for something totally badass like Diesel, Nitro, or Pulverizer. “We’ve observed a…Read more...

Hundreds of thousands of young people will walk out of schools today to protest against inaction on climate change, following the example of Swedish teen Greta Thunberg, who held a solo protest outside of the country’s parliament. What do you think?Read more...

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Confusing her friends and colleagues as to what could possibly drive her to undertake such an expedition, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring explorer Jillian Greene’s solo hike through Yosemite National Park has evidently nothing to do with soul-searching, an inner journey, or any other form…Read more...