The Onion

DUBUQUE, IA—Noting his decades of teaching experience and keen eye for talent, East Dubuque High School drama teacher David Vargo already has a pretty good idea who he’ll pick to be this fall’s girlfriend. “There were so many strong contenders this year, so it took me a while to narrow it down, but at the end of the…Read more...

TEHRAN, IRAN—Expressing consternation and disgust at the Man Booker Prize winner’s latest offering, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei issued a second fatwa against Salman Rushdie Friday for publishing a derivative and uninspired 13th novel, The Golden House. “This book is not only an affront to Allah, but also to any reader of…Read more...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Calling the ordeal both “hilarious” and “classic Trevor,” representatives from Florida State’s Sigma Chi fraternity confirmed Friday that its brothers had drawn all over a pledge who passed away at a party. “Dude, Trev totally deserved to get fucked with because he passed away, like, super early last…Read more...

Pope Francis brought the world’s bishops to the Vatican this week to discuss protecting children from sexual abuse by clergy. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In celebration of the massive contributions made by America’s unsung couture heroes, the Smithsonian Institution’s National Museum Of American History opened a new exhibition Thursday chronicling the struggles of prêt-à-pioneers as they tamed the frumpy West. “These early fashionistas were true…Read more...

Newly revealed documents show the Trump administration took nearly $10 million away from FEMA and other agencies to pay for immigration detention centers. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

GREENVILLE, NC—As the massive, potentially life-threatening storm began to make landfall in the Carolinas Thursday morning, officials from the Federal Emergency Management Agency were reportedly panicking after realizing they accidentally evacuated 1 million residents in the direction of Hurricane Florence. “Oh God,…Read more...

MESA, AZ—Disgusted by the gross misuse of resources, concerned citizen and self-described patriot Andrew Beardsley voiced his anger Thursday concerning the thousands of refugee children currently occupying prison cells that could be used to incarcerate real Americans. “It makes me sick to think of these freeloading…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—In response to criticism of his handling of the Catholic Church’s ongoing child sex abuse scandal, Pope Francis instructed reporters Thursday to just tell him whose feet he needs to wash. “Look, just let me know whose feet I need to wash so we can fix this,” said His Holiness, gesturing toward a bucket…Read more...

HOLDEN, MO—Having attempted numerous variations of color combinations and application techniques over the last two decades with only poor results to show for the effort, local woman Jessica Greenwald told reporters Thursday that she’s starting to worry that she just has the type of face where makeup looks completely…Read more...

BAKERSFIELD, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed six individuals, including himself, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.…Read more...

Awards season is here, with a variety of biopics, prestige dramas, and politically charged movies vying to join the long list of wildly overrated Oscar winners. The Onion presents a guide to the most anticipated films of fall 2018.Read more...

MONROE, WA—His eyes rolling in his head and his mane tossing as he contemplated the approach of the hulking figure in line at his paddock, Camp Hamilton resident Shetland pony Murph experienced an equine anxiety attack Thursday while waiting for his trainer to flag an unusually large child as being too big for a ride.…Read more...

Apple released three new iPhones at their Wednesday keynote, including a supersized 6.5-inch phone, while doing away with the home button entirely. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Expressing fear that the Silicon Valley giant may be running out of ideas, the nation’s Apple fans expressed disappointment Wednesday after the company once again unveiled the exact same overpriced CEO that barely fucking works. “I’ve come to expect a certain degree of innovation from Apple, but now they…Read more...

Over a million residents of the Carolinas and Virginia have been ordered to evacuate in anticipation of Hurricane Florence. What do you think?Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Saying the new policy was part of the company’s unwavering commitment to consumer relations, Apple announced Wednesday an unprecedented offer that will allow its customers to trade in their old iPhones and, in return, receive absolutely nothing. “If you’re a member of the Apple community with an older…Read more...

Hey now, slow your roll there, chief. I don’t know what you think this is, but there’s no way in hell that you’re dating my little angel until you tell me which ‘Sailor Moon’ character you are first. Now go ahead and get comfortable so we can start this quiz.Read more...

HYANNIS, MA—Officially transferring authority for the duration of his planned absence, area man Will Lewis deputized his friend to order him another beer while he went to the restroom, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Hey, grab me another drink if the bartender comes back around,” said Lewis during a brief ceremony in…Read more...

Read more...

Luke and Owen Wilson may be most well-known for their acting, but a cursory look at their Venmo feeds suggests that they’ve been up to a whole lot more than just movies. Here are seven Venmo transactions that make it seem like the two brothers have been practicing dentistry on each other.Read more...

TUCSON, AZ—While discussing the long-sought secrets of luminous, blemish-free skin, dermatologist Dr. Risa Helene strongly recommended Wednesday that patients commit to a routine of not caring so much what other people think. “The best treatment out there—far healthier than vitamin-rich creams or clinically tested…Read more...

DHAKA, BANGLADESH—Attempting to shake her thoughts regarding the horrific possibilities of the textile manufacturing industry, sweatshop worker Shanta Banek told reporters Wednesday that she doesn’t even want to know the working conditions of the facility where her company sources the fabric for their garments. “I…Read more...

Read more...

CLEVELAND, OH—Fearing their friends and family members might not understand or accept the unconventional origin of their relationship, Margot Bradley and Josh Ezdon confessed their apprehension over divulging that they had met online in the comments section of a YouTube video titled “Ironing Your Shirts - STEP BY…Read more...

An MIT study found that a vast increase in nuclear power generating capacities will be needed to make the steep carbon emissions cuts necessary to stave off global warming. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Working around the clock to prepare for the Category 4 storm heading toward the Carolina coast, officials at the Federal Emergency Management Agency confirmed Tuesday they were frantically writing the apologies they will issue for screwing up their response to Hurricane Florence. “This is going to be big,…Read more...

Read more...

SEATTLE—Expressing some reservations about allowing the defense instant, unfettered access to the backfield, Russell Wilson asked the Seahawks Tuesday to modify a read-pass-option play where he’s immediately tackled by six players after receiving the snap. “I’m happy to run whatever the coaching staff draws up, but I…Read more...

One of the most anticipated games of the year just arrived on the PS4, an open-world exploration game that allows you to sightsee around New York City. The game’s vast detailed re-creation of the Big Apple is incredible, but sadly ruined by the game’s completely unrealistic addition of a spider-themed crimefighter.Read more...

BRISTOL, CT—Offering a rare behind-the-scenes glimpse into his decision-making process, ESPN fantasy football expert Matthew Berry admitted Tuesday that he just drafts fantasy players whose names he recognizes. “When putting together my perfect fantasy lineup, it can be hard to keep track of so many players I don’t…Read more...

A recent survey of crashes by autonomous cars in California found that the vast majority were caused by human—rather than machine—error, suggesting a failure on the part of these cars to accommodate the failings of actual drivers. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

PORTLAND, OR—Reluctantly acknowledging that he would soon need to go out of his way to strike up conversations with the seventh-grader, Stoller Middle School janitor Charles DeWalt had already deduced Tuesday that he was going to have to befriend transfer student Jackson Clancy. “This is the third day in a row he’s…Read more...

Read more...

GREENVILLE, NC—Struggling to understand what about the video with 104 views necessitated the drastic measure, sources confirmed Tuesday that the ability to leave comments had been mysteriously disabled on a 32-second YouTube clip called “Watch Sparrow in my backyard.” “Jesus Christ, why did RokrDad67 think people…Read more...

Read more...

NEW YORK—A team of suspicious experts watching you thoughtlessly handling something they intuitively know you are not interested in buying released a report Tuesday confirming that’s expensive, please put it down. The report stressed that what you are so carelessly tossing back and forth from hand to hand is not for…Read more...

The number of Americans filing for unemployment aid fell to near a 49-year low last week, setting the stage for the Fed to raise interest rates later this month. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In an effort to mentor their next generation of corporate talent, CBS representatives announced Monday that the company would be retaining the services of former CEO Les Moonves in a smaller sexual-predator-at-large role. “We want to provide Les with a certain amount of freedom so he can just harass on his…Read more...

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Standing firm in his commitment to the historic property amid mounting apprehension over the approach of Category 4 Hurricane Florence, Myrtle Beach resident Dennis Brock told reporters Monday he refused to evacuate from his family’s ancestral Ron Jon Surf Shop. “I don’t care what the government tries…Read more...

CHICAGO—In a new study released Monday by Northwestern University, researchers found that 83 percent of marathon spectators only attend to relish the sick thrill of watching their fellow man suffer. “Analysis revealed that the guilty pleasure of watching a group of exhausted, miserable human beings painfully push…Read more...

Almost half of young adults between the ages of 18 and 29 deleted the Facebook app from their phone in the past year, suggesting the social media giant continues to lose its grip on that demographic. What do you think?Read more...

DALLAS—Insisting that every law enforcement official in America would have done the exact same thing if put in her situation, Dallas officer Amber Guyger claimed Monday that anyone could have mistaken a black man’s apartment for a dangerous firearm. “Listen, when your instincts kick in and your adrenaline is pumping,…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...