The Onion

CHICAGO—Lamenting that his glory days of college cafeterias, burger joints, and taco trucks are now shrinking in life’s rear-view mirror, sales associate Alan Thompson, 29, was reportedly beginning to worry Monday that his best meals might already be behind him. “When I think about all my entrées to come, I can’t help…Read more...

LONDON—Demonstrating in no uncertain terms that any peasant who sought to shirk his or her duty would be summarily dealt with, Queen Elizabeth looked on dispassionately Friday as a team of four oxen, yoked in pairs, were strapped to the outstretched limbs of a farmer who had failed to provide the Crown with his yearly…Read more...

Today, Americans will celebrate Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday to commemorate his life and historic contributions to the Civil Rights Movement. What do you think?Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Entering her examination room to find a woman describing in detail how she had once spent several hours coughing up blood, general practitioner Anika Korman described her state of mind as “completely weirded out” Monday when patient Catherine Moritz evidently decided to provide every lurid detail of her…Read more...

ORLANDO, FL—Expressing concerns that their home was starting to lose its distinctive character, Orlando locals were reportedly worried Monday that their beloved town was becoming completely overrun by vacationers. “Don’t get me wrong: Tourism dollars have helped the local economy, but the downside is that we have…Read more...

The polar vortex—the swirling winds above the arctic—has fractured into three rings that will spread freezing temperatures through the eastern U.S. in late January. What do you think?Read more...

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen revealed that he paid $13,000 at the direction of Trump to rig several 2016 polls in the then-presidential candidate’s favor. What do you think?Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—In an effort to gain a competitive advantage against a formidable opponent, the New England Patriots scored two touchdowns against the Chiefs Friday in a preemptive strike before Sunday’s AFC Championship Game. “We knew we had to do something to catch them off guard, so we ran a no-huddle offense…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to ease the transition of vulnerable young refugees into an unfamiliar new home, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced a new campaign Friday which aims to reunite immigrant children with their original arresting officer. “We intend to extend every effort to find the ICE officer…Read more...

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Maintaining that he is always the one wiping ectoplasm off the zero-gravity toilet at the end of the week, Expedition 57 astronaut Alexander Gerst confirmed Friday that he has grown sick of sharing the confines of the International Space Station with his “crass, thoughtless, insensitive, and…Read more...

BROOKLYN, NY—Shocked, disillusioned, and even somewhat betrayed by the unlikely pairing, fans of best-selling author and decluttering guru Marie Kondo were reacting with general disapproval Friday at the news that the organizing consultant has been dating an untidy kitchen cupboard since July of last year. “I can’t…Read more...

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KANSAS CITY—Expressing regret and shame for having “completely overindulged,” New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady confessed feelings of guilt Friday after gorging himself on a full order of Kansas-City-style tap water. “Ugh, I’ve compromised my own standards and my responsibility to my team by devouring an…Read more...

Founded in January 1994, Yahoo! has been involved in many of the internet’s biggest changes and challenges over its existence. The Onion looks back at the biggest moments in the web service provider’s 25-year history.Read more...

APPLETON, WI—Expressing disbelief at her romantic partner’s dramatic behavioral shift, local woman Emily Kittleson, 30, told reporters Friday that she had not expected her boyfriend’s attempts to recognize and curtail toxic masculinity would eventually turn him into a “weepy little pansy.” “Christ, I know the dope is…Read more...

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House Speaker Nancy Pelosi asked the president to delay the State of the Union—typically scheduled for January 29—until the shutdown ends, citing security concerns and obstacles in planning. What do you think?Read more...

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CAMP HILL, PA—Noting that the revamped tool was not scheduled to be unveiled for another six months, Ames executives were reportedly scrambling Thursday after designs for the new Ames 9443 Snow Shovel were leaked to the public. “The company is currently in the process of investigating how these top-secret designs were…Read more...

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In its largest such increase in history, Netflix will raise prices to $13 per month on its most popular subscription plan. What do you think?Read more...

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ROXBOROUGH, PA—Wondering what kind of honor a company bestows upon a part-time clerical employee, the family of local woman Maureen Tavlin, 51, reported Wednesday there was simply no way of knowing whether the vague award their mother received at work was a big deal or what, exactly. “She got this little plate that…Read more...

In a critical blow to the prime minister, the U.K. parliament voted to reject Theresa May’s Brexit deal. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—As part of its effort to provide the most comprehensive reporting possible on the freshman congresswoman, Fox News announced Wednesday the debut of a new premium television channel that will offer continuous, around-the-clock updates on Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “For an extra $8.99 per month,…Read more...

OMAHA, NE—Deeming her entire apartment an “accident waiting to happen,” local woman Jeanine Kratz, 29, told reporters Wednesday that she was rushing to hide any fragile objects and cover up sharp corners on tables before her boyfriend came over. “I really have to clean this place up as much as possible, because Chuck…Read more...

The 2001 hit romantic comedy Legally Blonde was a heartwarming blockbuster that entertained and empowered women of all ages, and the standard it set turned out to be pretty hard to live up to. Here are four times Reese Witherspoon breaks character in Legally Blonde to explain that women aren’t going to get a better…Read more...

An Instagram photo of an egg posted by @world_record_egg received 35 million likes, surpassing the last record holder, Kylie Jenner, to become the most-liked Instagram post in history. What do you think?Read more...

ROSEBURG, OR—Noting the wide variety of nonperishable items lining the shelves, furloughed government employee Sheena Enders, 38, confirmed Wednesday she was using some of the time off from her job with the U.S. Census Bureau to visit the local food pantry she had heard so much about. “I’ve driven past this place…Read more...

Insurance for pets has been on the rise in recent years, and is now an over $1 billion industry representing millions of pets nationwide, but many critics say it’s not worth it. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of getting pet insurance.Read more...

BRUSSELS—Saying they were tired of getting jerked around by some “has-been pseudo-monarchy,” fed-up European Union officials rejected the United Kingdom Tuesday and gave the British people 30 days to vacate Europe. “Listen, we’re so goddamn sick of this nonsense—grab your stuff and get the hell out,” said European…Read more...

Senator Mitt Romney and Majority Leader Mitch McConnell have sharply criticized GOP Rep. Steve King (R-IA) for comments he made that were sympathetic to white supremacy. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In a surprise announcement Tuesday, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer revealed that the blockbuster drug Viagra contained absolutely no active ingredients and that, all along, “the real medicine” that had been giving its users erections was confidence. “While many of our customers thought they were taking a PDE5…Read more...

SAN ANTONIO—Staring into the distance with his mouth agape and sweat beading on his forehead, NBA referee JB Derosa was reportedly terrified Monday after seeing a depiction of his own death while looking under the replay hood. “JB was under there a while on what seemed like a routine call, then all of a sudden, he…Read more...

After President Trump’s firing of FBI director James Comey, the bureau became so concerned about his behavior that they began investigating whether he was collaborating with Russia, although the findings of the inquiry are unclear. What do you think?Read more...

TULSA, OK—Dreading the day new technologies would emerge to render his craft obsolete, Vince Callahan, an autoworker crouched inside a robotic welding arm, told reporters Tuesday that he was terrified a robot would eventually take his job. “This is all I know how to do. If they ever make a robot that can do this job,…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Stressing that the furniture would be perfect for hosting guests, your mom wanted to know Tuesday whether you could use Grandma’s antique, 12-person dining room table in your studio apartment. “If you want it, we can haul it over the next time I have a doctor’s appointment in the city,” your mother said,…Read more...

A new poll from SSRS found that 55 percent of Americans blame President Trump for the shutdown, while 32 percent say the blame rests mostly with the Democrats. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Buzzing with anticipation amid rumors surrounding the HBO show’s long-awaited finale, Game of Thrones fans nationwide expressed their excitement Monday after learning that the series would finally be over. “This is awesome. I’ve been looking forward to this ever since season one,” said fan Benjamin…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Saying that the ongoing shutdown, which has lasted nearly a month, had forced him to consider other options for work, furloughed federal employee Elliott Baker confirmed Monday that he had started an online search for a new government. “I like working for the United States, but I’ve got a family to feed and…Read more...

NEW YORK—Saying she had no idea the final chords were going to go on as long as they did, local R&B singer Kaila Robinson decided Monday that she might as well just keep moaning into the mic until the end of the song. “Well, I finished all of the words I planned to sing and we still have 30 seconds on the track,…Read more...

CARBONDALE, IL—Stating their dumbass intentions to get a running start and scream “cowabunga,” the nation’s idiots announced plans Monday to jump off their roofs into a pile of snow and break their fucking legs. “We dunces stand on our roof gutters today, fully prepared to jump 20 feet to the ground and straight into…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Touting the newest update as a “game changer” for those looking to find love beyond their third cousins once removed, Tinder announced Monday that their app will no longer match users solely with their distant relatives. “As of today, swiping right does not mean you will automatically be paired with…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Declaring this year’s awards-show-related crime wave among the worst in decades, the Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that the headless, handless body of Ethan Hawke was found dumped in Laurel Canyon, a crime consistent in its motive and its violence with the 2019 Oscar race. “Unfortunately,…Read more...

Bullying has long run rampant in American schools, but this important PSA campaign from the Ad Council will hopefully make kids think twice before terrorizing their classmates: This amazing new anti-bullying campaign reminds kids that even though bullying might be fun, rewarding, and cool, it can sometimes make you…Read more...

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LANGLEY, VA—Admitting that the organization had erroneously rushed to judgment in response to an unimaginable tragedy, CIA director Gina Haspel issued a posthumous apology Wednesday to the family of Osama bin Laden in light of new evidence which conclusively clears the former Al Qaeda leader of any involvement…Read more...