The Onion

YUMA, AZ—Uploading almost a gigabyte of image files to her various social media accounts, nursing assistant Katherine Rohrbach, 26, took the precaution of posting several of her favorite photos of herself online Tuesday just in case she dies in a mass shooting. “Should I ever be cut down by a deranged gunman while…Read more...

A study published in the scientific journal Icarus argues that Pluto never should have downgraded due to its undersized orbit, suggesting that this criterion for a planet is obsolete. What do you think?Read more...

ST. PAUL, MN—Describing the majority of attendees as “acquaintances at best,” birthday celebrant Megan Randall stated publicly Tuesday that a surprise birthday party organized by her boyfriend, Kevin Collins, displayed a less-than-minimal familiarity with her social circle. “I frankly haven’t spoken to some of these…Read more...

MEDFORD, MA—Explaining that there were many simple things they could do to tackle one of the most urgent crises facing planet Earth, researchers from Tufts University published Tuesday a list of ways that animals could help fight climate change. “Whether you’re a beaver, elk, or trout, it’s important for everyone to…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Following several months of scrutiny and pressure from animal rights groups, glasses manufacturer Warby Parker issued an official apology Tuesday, expressing regret for years of testing trademark eyewear fashions on animals before introducing the styles to customers. “Though we no longer engage in the…Read more...

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Department of Health and Human Services secretary Alex Azar proposed rules requiring all drugmakers to disclose the price of drugs that cost more than $35 in their television ads. What do you think?Read more...

In a meeting at G20, China and the U.S. announced a 90-day window to pause their trade war and potentially bring an end to the bruising tariff fight. What do you think?Read more...

DAYTON, OH—Expressing disappointment at the evident lack of concern for their failed relationship, divorced parents Tim Foster and Eva Ferguson admitted Thursday to being “a little hurt” that the recently completed Christmas list submitted by their daughter Kayla, 8, included no heartfelt but ultimately unrealistic…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—In what was interpreted as a final attempt to foster scientific curiosity in high school juniors, James A. Garfield Memorial High School chemistry teacher Gary Holbrook encouraged his students Monday to fuck around with Bunsen burners in a last-ditch effort to prove that science is cool. “As you can see…Read more...

PARIS—With angry residents claiming that the recent tax hikes on fuel were negatively impacting their way of life, violence reportedly erupted across France over the weekend as citizens protested the high cost of refilling crème brûlée torches. “If that miser [President Emmanuel] Macron does not decrease these cruel…Read more...

SANTA MONICA, CA—Emphasizing that his thoughts were always and only for his fellow motorists, local parallel parker Ed Billings admitted Monday that he strives to leave just enough room between the cars ahead of or behind his own so that other drivers are eventually infuriated into simply giving up after a few…Read more...

NEW YORK—Shrugging their shoulders and tilting their heads to the side, a group of defeated-looking experts from top American universities released a joint report Monday recommending you just put up with everyone else because there’s nothing you can really do about them. “According to our research, the people around…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Admitting that He almost couldn’t bear to look at those old speeches from his Nazareth days, the Lord Jesus Christ told reporters Monday that He was super embarrassed about all that stupid shit He said 2,000 years ago. “Man, I was into some really weird religious mumbo-jumbo back then; all those…Read more...

CHICAGO—Expressing optimism and excitement for what her romantic future might hold, local woman Fiona Dixon reportedly wondered Monday if the man she just went on a date with might finally be the one she’ll sleep with for a few weeks before losing interest. “I know we just met, but I’m feeling such a strong connection…Read more...

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The FDA gave makers of popular vaping devices 60 days to prove they can keep them away from minors or face them being taken off the market, saying their use has reached an “epidemic” level. What do you think?Read more...

BUENOS AIRES—Explaining that the event was “always a complete waste of time,” German chancellor Angela Merkel admitted to reporters Friday that she was only attending this stupid work conference for the free trip to Argentina. “I was totally planning to blow off this whole dumb business trip until I found out they…Read more...

BUENOS AIRES—Saying the hour-long presentation based on His Royal Highness’ own professional experience was really enlightening, member leaders at the G20 Summit attended the Saudi Crown Prince’s informative seminar Friday on eliminating dissident journalists. “He really explained things in simple terms that any head…Read more...

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ATLANTA—Noting that late-season gimmicks have often had dire results for past series, fans of zombie drama The Walking Dead found themselves divided this week concerning a recent crossover episode featuring legendary basketball team the Harlem Globetrotters. “It was a nice touch of whimsy when the Globetrotter’s bus…Read more...

ROCKLAND, ME—Noting your undergraduate minor in data systems, a qualification which he claims makes you uniquely suited for the job, a corporate recruiter happened to notice your background in computer science and thought you might be interested in working part-time at a Kohl’s department store in Sioux City, IA,…Read more...

CHICAGO—Concerned about the welfare of the “cold and kind of lonely-looking” submissive chained to a street sign outside of a coffee shop, sympathetic passersby discussed the ethics Friday of leaving one’s gimp tied to a pole while one buys a latte. “It’s really cold out here, especially with this wind, and the poor…Read more...

As I lie here, my vision starting to fade, I know I likely will not live to see my home again. The approach of death is terrifying, to be sure, but scarier still is leaving words unsaid to the woman I’ve spent so much of my life with. Should I not make it back to her in time, I need you to do something very important…Read more...

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Academic tenure continues to decline in U.S. institutions of higher learning, as colleges increasingly look to reduce tenure-track positions in favor of more flexibility in spending. The Onion examines at the pros and cons of giving teachers tenure.Read more...

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A Pew Research Center survey found that the number of undocumented immigrants living in the U.S. has reached a 12-year low of 10.7 million, continuing a decade-long decline influenced by the recession and increased security measures. What do you think?Read more...

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Throughout high school, Brian Hoffman was relentlessly mocked and bullied just for liking comic books and computer games. Ten years later, it turns out that being a geek really pays off in dividends: Eat your hearts out, bullies, because today Brian is an adult who owns several Funko Pop figurines.Read more...

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More than a decade after she became the first female speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi is poised to again fill the role of majority leader for the Democrats. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—In a discovery poised to overturn years of climate science research, a study released Thursday by UCLA’s Department of Oceanology revealed that rising sea levels are the result of an expansive colonization effort by the world’s dolphins. “It appears that much of the sea level rise attributed to global…Read more...

SCARSDALE, NY—Touting the ordinarily trade-school course as an opportunity for students to learn practical life skills, administrators of the Scarsdale Public School District confirmed Thursday that their curriculum’s shop class teaches students how to deal with general contractors. “We’re happy to equip these kids…Read more...

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders criticized a climate report revealing the increasingly deadly climate change impacts the U.S. as “based on the most extreme model scenario” and not based on “facts,” despite the fact that the report was released by the Trump administration itself. What do you think?Read more...

FORT COLLINS, CO—Decrying the contraceptive device as an uncomfortable inconvenience, local man Michael Franklin revealed Thursday that he hates having to wear condoms all day every day. “It just doesn’t feel natural, and I barely get any sensation when I’m going about my day,” said Franklin, complaining that the…Read more...

HOUSTON—Apologizing for the destruction wreaked by the invasive species, NASA announced Thursday that the Moon is now overrun with cane toads after the amphibians were accidentally introduced during the Apollo 17 mission. “Originally, cane toads were brought along by Commander Eugene Cernan as an experiment to…Read more...

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Expressing frustration as he spotted readers stretching out of the door at a local Barnes & Noble, bestselling author Stephen King was reportedly stuck at a book signing for hours Thursday writing personalized novels for fans. “God, every one of them seems to want me to write some little flourish to…Read more...

A survey conducted by EY found that the percentage of millennials living with parents plunged to 16 percent from 30 percent in 2016, while home ownership has risen from 26 percent to 40 percent. What do you think?Read more...

Rochester, MN—In an effort to mollify patients’ fears about their reproductive health, the nation’s gynecologists held a press conference Wednesday assuring women that whatever gets stuck in there, they can get out. “Unfortunately, there’s still a lot of misinformation regarding the female reproductive tract, so we…Read more...

Many medical professionals and parents believe that starting school so early in the day has negative consequences for children and families, while others maintain that the school day is fine the way it is. The Onion examines the pros and cons of delaying school start time.Read more...

In the wake of the continued sexual assault scandals plaguing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis’ popularity has declined by 20 percent among U.S. Catholics, putting him roughly on par with Pope Benedict. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Expressing their sincere regret for repeating the 2004 incident, representatives for Dave Matthews Band apologized Wednesday after their tour bus dumped another 800 pounds of human shit on the same architecture boat cruise from 14 years ago. “On behalf of Dave and the rest of the crew, I’m here to stress how…Read more...

NEW YORK—Offering new insights into what life may have been like for people who left their folkways and cultures behind to begin a new life, a group of American historians unearthed documentation that thousands of immigrants were forced to change their hairstyles upon entering the United States at Ellis Island. “Upon…Read more...