The Onion

Mark Zuckerberg faced enormous public backlash this week after he defended Holocaust deniers’ right to disseminate their views on Facebook, but this morning he stepped up to allay Facebook users’ concerns in a big way: Zuckerberg announced that from now on, Facebook will rigorously vet the articles posted on its site…Read more...

ELIZAVILLE, NY—Speculating as to whether or not the social order could ever regain its stability, witnesses confirmed Thursday that the established interpersonal hierarchy at Camp Eagle Hill had been thrown into turmoil by the emergence of a second girl with practical knowledge of the French braid. “This is completely…Read more...

Comic-Con, the nation’s premier comics convention, kicks off this year’s iteration with previews of The Predator, Doctor Who, and the new slate of DC comic book movies. What do you think?Read more...

NORTH HAMPTON, MA—Saying that he wouldn’t let his disability define him, recently paralyzed man Matthew Sabourne told reporters Thursday he was determined to maintain his normal sedentary lifestyle despite his new physical challenges. “I caught a tough break with the accident, but I’ll be damned if I let this injury…Read more...

SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Addressing concerns that the naming practice could unfairly bias consumers against the products, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a statement Thursday strongly defending the decision to reclassify alternative milks as “nut sweat.” “While we hope this new labeling helps clarify shopping…Read more...

NORFOLK, VA—Saying that the task is the sort of thing he usually prefers to do himself, restaurant customer Ryan Brooks admitted Thursday that he was unsure if he should tip the attendant in the bathroom of Norfolk’s Old Town Steakhouse simply for wiping his ass. “Not to belittle the guy’s job, but all he did was rip…Read more...

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Listen up, StarKist, things in the digital media industry have become pretty dire, and unfortunately ClickHole needs to resort to desperate measures to stay afloat. We hate to do this to you, but we’ve got a whole bunch of pictures of kids claiming that your canned tuna gives them the energy they need to bully their…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—In response to criticism about the social network’s failure to address the spread of falsehoods and offensive content on its site, Facebook apologized Thursday for giving Mark Zuckerberg a platform. “Lies and harassment have absolutely no place on Facebook, and we want to express our deep regret at…Read more...

NEW YORK—CNN Anchors Brooke Baldwin and Dana Bash reportedly sat speechless Thursday after their guest Dr. Gina Jimenez went on a long, coherent thought, unleashing a tirade of articulate points completely relevant to the topic at hand. “Dr. Jimenez, if I could just quickly interrupt you for a moment—could you please…Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would not have been able to shake the eagle-eyed clerks even if he had wanted to, local black man Mike Chambers confirmed Thursday he was pretty impressed by how attentively Walgreens employees were tailing him. “Usually when I’m in a store, the cashiers just watch me from a distance while…Read more...

Facing bipartisan pushback for the recent statement, President Trump now says he misspoke and meant to say he saw “no reason why it wouldn’t be” Russia who interfered in the 2016 election, rather than “would be.” What do you think?Read more...

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In a speech on Nelson Mandela’s birthday, former President Obama warned of “strongman politics” in a veiled criticism of President Trump. What do you think?Read more...

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to turn over a new leaf after being ousted from his own company last week, Papa John’s founder John Schnatter announced plans Wednesday to launch a new chain of fast-casual segregated lunch counters across the Deep South. “I just want to get back to the basics of making good, home-cooked…Read more...

SEATTLE, WA—Calling their intended investment “$20 million down the goddamn drain,” philanthropist Bill Gates and wife Melinda released a statement Wednesday saying they were shocked to learn that the Akantome Elementary School in Ejura, Ghana had neither a plan in place nor indeed any intention to return funds…Read more...

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SAN FRANCISCO—Signaling a major breakthrough in the field of round electric pungent brick merriment, a new aphasia study released by the University of California, San Francisco’s Department of Integrative Neuroscience Wednesday found that empty fullness brokered yellow ideas happily. “After carefully examining the…Read more...

Researchers have discovered they can restore organ cells to life by injecting them with mitochondria in a method that they have already used to help human infants with heart defects. What do you think?Read more...

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France triumphed over the underdog Croatian team 4-2 to earn its second World Cup title, and first since hosting the tournament in 1998. What do you think?Read more...

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PALO ALTO, CA—Boasting that drivers and critics alike would be awed by the car’s pyrotechnic performance, Elon Musk announced Tuesday that every new Tesla Model 3 sold would be capable of going from zero to engulfed in flames in just 3.5 seconds. “The Model 3 is the most efficient, fastest-burning passenger car…Read more...

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People have long been fascinated by cults, and by what possesses someone to join these tightly knit, secretive, and often violent social groups. The Onion looks back at the most infamous cults in history.Read more...

CHICAGO—Although his move comes on a wave of rising rents and shifting demographics, area man Blake Joyner felt only moderately guilty this week about his role in gentrifying a historically Eastern European neighborhood. “Don’t get me wrong, people of Eastern European descent face their fair share of problems, but I…Read more...

British prime minister Theresa May revealed that President Trump told her to “sue the EU” in order to successfully complete Brexit, but noted she thought the suggestion was “too brutal.” What do you think?Read more...

ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting that the two had really seemed to hit it off at the neighborhood barbeque, Sheila Glaspy informed her husband Mark that he had made a brand-new friend, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “Wow, you had a great time talking to Dennis tonight,” Glaspy told her husband, commenting that Mark and his new…Read more...

Amid mounting findings about Russian interference in the 2016 election, President Trump will sit down with Vladimir Putin in an attempt to normalize relations and improve bilateral ties. What do you think?Read more...

MCALLEN, TX—In an effort to teach other juvenile detainees to keep their distance, newly hired ICE agent Kevin Michelson revealed this week that he had established dominance on his first day by beating up the biggest child prisoner he could find. “Just to make sure the pecking order in this place is crystal clear, I…Read more...

AMES, IA—Staring wistfully in the mirror as he flexed his tanned, oversized muscles, local bodybuilder Jai Dragovich told reporters Monday that ever since he became sufficiently strong, he couldn’t help but wonder: now what? “I’ve been so busy finding out how much weight I could lift that I never paused to ask if this…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Doubling down on a recent controversial statement he made about a British cave diver who helped free a youth soccer team from a cave in Thailand, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reportedly insisted Monday that he would be a much more innovative pedophile than rescue worker Vernon Unsworth. “Look, the only insulting…Read more...

HOBOKEN, NJ—Shining new light on the words that offered you comfort just moments ago, a report released Monday found that your therapist was actually only saying that to make you feel better. According to sources, the debilitating self-hatred you feel is based in real problems you should address immediately, and it’s…Read more...

During Trump’s trip to England, protesters totally owned him in the most awesome way possible. A giant balloon of Trump as a baby flew over the streets of London to demonstrate that he is full of innocent love and infinite curiosity.Read more...

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Spurning the more moderate opinions of those he now regards as outsiders, total idiot Rick Thomas resorted Monday to tribalism decades before the inevitable climate catastrophe makes it necessary, confirmed sources close to the dipshit. “There’s a war going on out there, and a man has got to choose his…Read more...

NEW YORK—Materializing, deorbiting, and making Earthfall by the thousands, rowdy and unruly starship crews from all corners of the transhuman sphere began arriving in New York City to participate in Intergalactic Fleet Week 2018, terrestrial sources confirmed Monday. “We’ve had to upgrade our security big-time,” said…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Describing the occurrences as super realistic and disturbing, local man Brett DeMonte told reporters Friday that he keeps having the same experience where he shows up to work naked. “It’s the same situation every time: I get to the office, and when I look down, I realize that I’m standing completely…Read more...

CADOTT, WI—Passing utterly undetected through a complex cordon of bag checks, signage specifically prohibiting drug use, and three-second upper-body pat-downs by bored part-time security personnel, modern-day Pablo Escobar and mid-level systems analyst Patrick Quaid successfully smuggled a one-hitter containing 0.2…Read more...

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LONDON—Saying the first lady’s skills were of the highest caliber he’d ever witnessed, Buckingham Palace guard Robert Addington told reporters Thursday that he was impressed by Melania Trump’s ability to never crack a smile on her visit to London. “There were all sorts of people waving in her face and yelling things…Read more...

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JEFFERSONTOWN, KY—Apologizing for its use of the racial epithet, president and CEO of Papa John’s Pizza Steve Ritchie announced Thursday that the company would be removing the N-word from all restaurant menus. “No matter the context, there is no place for that offensive word in our ‘Create Your Own Pizza’ section or…Read more...

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Girl, you know I would do whatever it takes to make all your fantasies come true. I would cross a continent. I would cross an ocean. I would even tunnel to the center of the Earth just so I could find that one perfect gemstone, lobster, or ball of lava that would turn an ordinary night into an evening of ultimate…Read more...

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