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Updated 2024-11-27 07:30
Man Annoyed By Travel Plaza’s Abridged Pizza Hut Menu
CRANBURY, NJ—Saying that a place had no business calling itself a Pizza Hut unless it had all the normal stuff, local motorist Ed Coleman was reportedly annoyed Wednesday to find an abridged menu after stopping at the New Jersey Turnpike’s Molly Pitcher Service Plaza. “What the fuck? I only did this exit because I…Read more...
Miracle Paycheck Lasts For 7 Whole Days
AMARILLO, TX—The sufficiency of its funds mysteriously defying any rational explanation, a miracle paycheck received a week ago by local woman Jennifer Callahan, 27, somehow lasted seven whole days, according to sources. “It was just one check, but every day when I went to look, there was still some money left,” a…Read more...
Whine And Dine
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Man Completely Blindsided By Seemingly Normal Stranger Telling Him To ‘Have A Blessed Day’
HARTFORD, CT—Startled and unsure how to respond to the wholly unexpected remark, local man Caleb Borden was reportedly blindsided Thursday when a stranger and otherwise normal-seeming person suddenly told him to “have a blessed day.” “Here I am talking to someone I think is just a typical, ordinary guy, and then he…Read more...
Audiobook Narrator Really Going For Broke With Cajun Accent
SACRAMENTO, CA—Caught off guard by both the volume and vigor with which the distinctive speech pattern was being rendered, sources confirmed Wednesday that the audiobook narrator of James Lee Burke’s Heaven’s Prisoners was really going for broke with his Cajun accent. “Wow, he’s not pulling any punches, is he?”…Read more...
Mutant Hockey League Worried City Of St. Mucus Won’t Publicly Finance New Arena For Ooze
ST. MUCUS—Expressing concern that the team might choose to relocate if a deal were not struck by the end of the offseason, Mutant Hockey League officials were reportedly pessimistic Friday that the owners of the St. Mucus Ooze would reach an agreement with the city to publicly finance a new arena.Read more...
Just Say The Word, And We’ll Perform With Socks On Our Penises Again
In the Peppers’ 35 years of existence, we’ve gone through a lot of changes: guitarists, hairstyles, producers, record labels—the list goes on. What can I say? It’s been a hell of a ride, but here it is, 2018, and we’re still bringing you the funk. Through the years, we’ve never for a moment forgotten all the times we…Read more...
New Regulation Requires All Protected Species To Be Actively Looking For New Habitat In Order To Receive Funding
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to ensure the federal benefit program is not taken advantage of, a new regulation announced Tuesday will require all organisms facing extinction to actively search for a new habitat in order to receive funding for their protection under the Endangered Species Act. “Effective immediately,…Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 9, 2018
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Pile Of Dirty Clothes On Bedroom Floor Starting To Mix With Pile Of Clean Clothes On Bedroom Floor
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Study Finds Goosebumps Caused By Psychotic Weirdo Masturbating To Old Photo Of You
CHICAGO—A groundbreaking new study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association has found that goosebumps appear on the skin when a mentally unhinged weirdo is, at that very same moment, masturbating to an old photograph of you. “After poring over the evidence, we’ve discovered that the…Read more...
Really Ugly Shark Tired Of Being Mistaken For Hammerhead
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Whoa, Vacuum Got Something Pretty Big Under Couch
CINCINNATI—Reacting immediately to the sudden noise, surprised local woman Fran Copeland confirmed Monday that whoa, her vacuum cleaner just got ahold of something really big underneath the couch. “Oh, man, whatever just got sucked up into there must have been huge,” said the visibly startled 28-year-old, explaining…Read more...
New Evidence Suggests Ancient Egyptians Only Ever Visited Pyramids When Friends Were In From Out Of Town
LONDON—In a discovery that sheds new light on the civilization’s cultural practices, researchers at University College London presented evidence Monday that suggests ancient Egyptians never went to see the pyramids unless they had guests in from out of town. “Recently unearthed papyrus rolls dating from 2400 B.C.…Read more...
Earth’s Successful Completion Of Orbit Around Sun Inspires Woman To Reflect On Eating Habits
GREENVILLE, NC—Noting that the celestial body’s return to this position in space demanded more personal accountability, sources confirmed Monday that the Earth’s successful completion of an orbit around the sun inspired local woman Vivian Turner to reflect on her eating habits. “Now that the planet I live on has…Read more...
2018 The Year It All Going To Fall Into Place, Delusional Sources Report
WASHINGTON—Fooling themselves into believing things were going to be turning around, delusional sources reported Friday that 2018 will be the year it’s all going to fall into place. “No ifs, ands, or buts about it, everything is finally going to come together in 2018,” said Liam Thomas of Margate, FL, echoing the…Read more...
Single Woman Getting All Dolled Up To Watch Room Full Of People Make Out This New Year’s Eve
BROOKLYN, NY—Wearing a brand-new dress while carefully applying her makeup for the evening, local single woman Kelly Duval was reportedly getting all dolled up Sunday to watch a room full of people make out this New Year’s Eve. According to sources, Duval was going to great lengths to create big, bouncy curls in her…Read more...
The Worst Potluck Contributions Of 2017
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Top Television Shows Of 2017
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Top Quotes Of 2017
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All The ‘Tootsie’ Memorabilia We Were Close To Scoring On Ebay In 2017
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The 14 Babies Born In 2017
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Year In Review
In a year where the news media fell under escalating criticism for fabrication, The Onion’s unparalleled reportage and sterling journalism revealed the core truth of 2017: That every other news organization is, indeed, lying to you. They are lying to you and, moreover, they believe you are the sort of gullible fool…Read more...
Top Films Of 2017
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Pentagon Has U.F.O. Hunting Program
The Defense Department has been investing $22 million per year into investigating unidentified flying objects, a New York Times report found, contradicting government statements that the program was shut down in 2012. What do you think?Read more...
The Week In Pictures – Week Of December 25, 2017
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Convenience Store Employee Given Generous Holiday Bonus Shift
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Those We Lost In 2017
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Twitter Begins Banning Threatening Accounts
Twitter began banning violent or abusive user accounts this week, including several notable white supremacists and leaders of the far-right. What do you think?Read more...
Kids Getting A Little Old To Still Believe In Innate Charitable Goodness Of Humans
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Woman On First Date Feels Like She Could Spend Whole Life In Uncomfortable Silence With This Man
NORWICH, CT—Saying he might very well be the one, area woman Bethany Han told reporters Friday that she could imagine spending her whole life in uncomfortable silence with the man she was currently on a first date with. “I know we just met, but there’s something about Bill that makes me feel like I could awkwardly sit…Read more...
Visibly Flu-Stricken Choir Kid Really Dragging Down Whole Christmas Pageant
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Child Who Just Wanted Clothes Spares Uncle’s Feelings By Pretending To Like Xbox
HAVERHILL, MA—Doing his best to mask his disappointment that the package didn’t contain the cable-knit cashmere sweater he’d had his heart set on, local child Max Campbell reportedly spared his uncle’s feelings Friday by pretending to like the Xbox One X he received as a gift. “Thanks, Uncle Joe, I’ll definitely get a…Read more...
Most Popular Passwords Of Year Include '123456' 'password'
According to a list compiled from leaked user data, this year’s most popular passwords include several perennial favorites such as “football,” as well as new passwords such as “starwars” and “iloveyou”. What do you think?Read more...
Report: More Americans Forced To Sell Gold Pocket Watch In Order To Afford Set Of Fine Combs For Wife
NEW YORK—Citing the limited household budgets of many young married couples, a new report published Friday estimates that more Americans than ever this Christmas will be forced to sell a gold watch inherited from their father in order to buy a set of fine combs for their wife’s beautiful hair. “Wages have remained…Read more...
FDA Approves Gene Therapy For Inherited Blindness
In a breakthrough in biomedicine, the FDA has approved a gene therapy for inherited blindness. What do you think?Read more...
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