The Onion

CARBONDALE, IL—Stating their dumbass intentions to get a running start and scream “cowabunga,” the nation’s idiots announced plans Monday to jump off their roofs into a pile of snow and break their fucking legs. “We dunces stand on our roof gutters today, fully prepared to jump 20 feet to the ground and straight into…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Touting the newest update as a “game changer” for those looking to find love beyond their third cousins once removed, Tinder announced Monday that their app will no longer match users solely with their distant relatives. “As of today, swiping right does not mean you will automatically be paired with…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Declaring this year’s awards-show-related crime wave among the worst in decades, the Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that the headless, handless body of Ethan Hawke was found dumped in Laurel Canyon, a crime consistent in its motive and its violence with the 2019 Oscar race. “Unfortunately,…Read more...

Bullying has long run rampant in American schools, but this important PSA campaign from the Ad Council will hopefully make kids think twice before terrorizing their classmates: This amazing new anti-bullying campaign reminds kids that even though bullying might be fun, rewarding, and cool, it can sometimes make you…Read more...

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LANGLEY, VA—Admitting that the organization had erroneously rushed to judgment in response to an unimaginable tragedy, CIA director Gina Haspel issued a posthumous apology Wednesday to the family of Osama bin Laden in light of new evidence which conclusively clears the former Al Qaeda leader of any involvement…Read more...

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All of us do or say the wrong thing from time to time. It’s my belief that what matters most is not the mistakes we make in life, but how we choose to respond after we’ve made them. Refusing to acknowledge our errors is easy: We simply presume that we are correct and ignore any facts to the contrary. Admitting we’ve…Read more...

Each year, Americans celebrate New Year’s Eve by resolving to change some aspect of their lives. What is your New Year’s resolution?Read more...

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IRVING, TX—Calling the feminine hygiene product the perfect way to usher in 2019 with comfort and style, Kotex introduced their new line of Confetti Popper Tampons Friday to help ring in the new year. “When the clock strikes midnight, simply pull the string on one of our sleek, slim Confetti Popper tampons to join the…Read more...

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In a year where cruelty, deception, and unfettered corruption controlled all three branches of the U.S. government, The Onion’s flawless reportage and above-reproach journalism in 2018 exposed the dark underbelly of society and provided a beacon of hope that human civilization would finally and mercifully come to an…Read more...

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DALLAS—Grimacing and clutching at his shoulder, Fox NFL announcer Joe Buck tore his rotator cuff after an awkward throw down to the sideline during the second quarter of the Buccaneers vs. Cowboys game. “You hate to see an announcer go down like that. Especially on such a routine throw down to Erin to check the field…Read more...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Categorically denying allegations that the tactic was unconstitutional and unfairly targeted players who protested the national anthem, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell released a statement Sunday defending the NFL’s right to subject Panthers safety Eric Reid to random stop-and-frisk searches. “We’re…Read more...

LONDON—Noting that making a difference would cost less than a single cup of coffee, the Against Malaria Foundation released an advertising campaign Friday stressing that even one dollar could help a needy child, but you’d have to be a complete fucking dick to give that little. “For just one dollar out of your…Read more...

Apple plans to employ 5,000 new workers at a new campus one miles from downtown Austin, TX, which will eventually have room to accommodate up to 15,000 workers. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Pacing frantically back and forth, wiping flecks of gore from their faces, and muttering that they could get everything under control if they just had more time, the panicked and blood-drenched citizens of the United States barked at everyone in their immediate vicinity Friday, demanding just one goddamn…Read more...

While New Year’s resolutions are popular, studies show that the majority of them are never achieved, making whether to tie personal goals to the beginning of a new year a matter of debate. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of making New Year’s resolutions.Read more...

CHICAGO—Staring wide-eyed at the table full of unopened presents being largely ignored by guests, local man Rick Joseph reportedly watched helplessly Friday as the White Elephant exchange completely devolved into friends just chatting and having a nice time. “Christ, it should have been my turn to pick a gift over an…Read more...

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Calling the product the must-have item for true music connoisseurs, Bose officials announced Friday the release of the new W85 headphones that are specifically optimized for listening to Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know.” “We’re proud to introduce the W85 as the next generation in Whitney…Read more...

In a finding that crossed racial, educational, and demographic lines, a new NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll found most Americans are against the country becoming more politically correct, including a majority of independent voters. What do you think?Read more...

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The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame will induct a 2019 class including Radiohead, Janet Jackson, Stevie Nicks, The Cure, The Zombies, and several others. What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—In an effort to educate Americans on the common warning signs, mental health experts at Boston University issued a report Thursday noting that friends giving away their possessions was often a red flag that they’re planning on moving. “If you have a friend who has attempted to pass off objects like a bulky…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Growing visibly emotional as he expressed gratitude to legislators for their boldness and compassion, Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzmán reunited with his family Thursday following the passage of the First Act criminal justice reform bill. “It’s been a long road to release, but I’m ready to put my…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Noting the robust financial backdrop and expectations for sustained growth, the Federal Reserve released a report Thursday citing the healthy economy in its decision to have a baby. “After lengthy discussions to address lingering concerns among board members about trends in the broader macroeconomy, I’m…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Detailing the extensive backstories of the wall hangings and how he came to acquire them, local man Richard Minhas was methodically explaining Thursday the origin of every poster hanging in his apartment. “This one over here is a print of a Japanese woodblock I got from the Philadelphia Museum of Art, and then…Read more...

NEW YORK—Claiming that the continued strength of a marriage was dependent on incorporating the ritual into their routine, relationship experts told reporters Thursday that healthy couples should be renewing their vows at least three times a week. “It might feel a bit rote to have these frequent, scheduled events, but…Read more...

Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! My, my, it seems the Christmas season comes a bit earlier each year, doesn’t it? Yes, it certainly does. And with the hours ticking away until we make the Yuletide gay, jolly old Saint Nick has a very important message for all his boys and girls.Read more...

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that their subjects felt healthier, more energetic, and oh, so satisfied the next morning, voyeur researchers at the University of Michigan recommended Thursday that the average adult spend at least seven hours each night watching another person sleep. “Based on our findings, anyone over the…Read more...

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A new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed gun deaths in the U.S. reaching a record high, with such fatalities increasing by 10,000 from 1999 levels to 39,773 people in 2017. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Fresh off her victory in last night’s finale of The Voice, 16-year-old country singer Chevel Shepherd told reporters Wednesday she was excited to use the $50 Chili’s gift card she received for winning the televised singing competition. “After all those months of hard work, to win 50 bucks to spend on…Read more...

Merriam-Webster named “justice” the Word Of The Year for 2018, explaining that “the concept of justice was at the center of many of our national debates in the past year: Racial justice, social justice, criminal justice, economic justice.” What do you think?Read more...

BALTIMORE—Sighing in exasperation and repeatedly checking the clock as he completed a number of menial tasks, area man Alan Stover confirmed Wednesday he had spent a long day at work waiting until he could finally go home and be lonely. “It’s so annoying having to be here in the office doing all this tedious paperwork…Read more...