by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#40ZX5)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2025-12-23 21:18 |
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#40ZKD)
LOS ANGELES—Discussing how narrative cohesion would be maintained in the new sitcom, the showrunner of the upcoming Roseanne spinoff told reporters Tuesday that he hoped the giant puddle of blood in the set’s kitchen would adequately explain the former main character’s absence. “Sure, we could have had one of the many…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40ZFT)
Roseanne spinoff The Conners premieres Tuesday night, featuring John Goodman, Laurie Metcalf, and the rest of the Conners family pressing on without Roseanne Barr, who was fired from the show earlier this year after posting racist comments on Twitter. What do you think?Read more...
by By Brom of Alsthorpe on (#40ZB9)
As I look out at the faces surrounding me here today, I am reminded of how much we’ve accomplished in such a short period of time. We’ve driven the creature from our village, chased it back to its moldering castle, and burned that castle to the ground, doing so with no more than a few dozen pugnacious townsfolk. This…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40Z70)
For the second year straight, the world’s view of the U.S. has declined. For example, only 39 percent of Canadians now have a favorable view of the United States, down from 65 percent at the end of President Obama’s second term. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#40Z20)
ROCKFORD, IL—Saying that the jovial drawing will forever signify their bond of goodwill, local father Gary Ericson confirmed Tuesday that a smiley face doodled on their Buffalo Wild Wings meal check commemorates the undeniable chemistry between their waiter and the Ericson family. “Ever since Jason introduced himself…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40YWX)
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In a press conference ahead of a meeting with U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman admitted Tuesday that journalist Jamal Khashoggi died during a botched assassination attempt. “We lured Mr. Khashoggi to our consulate in Turkey for what was supposed to be a…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40YKE)
SIERRA VISTA, AZ—Looking around in a panic as he realized he had been left all alone, ICE agent Derek Borland was reportedly terrified Tuesday after becoming separated from his team during a raid on an immigrant community. “Where did everyone go? Guys, I’m really scared right now. Anyone? Bobby? Bobby, where are you?â€â€¦Read more...
by The Onion on (#40YKF)
TUSCALOOSA, AL—In an effort to prevent further alcohol-related tragedy, University of Alabama administrators announced plans Tuesday to suspend all lightweights who can’t handle their shit following the hazing death of freshman Delta Kappa Epsilon pledge Matthew Young. “What happened to Matt this past weekend is…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#40YKG)
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Saudi Arabia Sends Assassins To Dismember Entire International Community In Effort To Stifle Dissent
by The Onion on (#40WSQ)
NEW YORK CITY—Taking drastic measures to silence their critics, Saudi Arabia reportedly sent assassins to dismember the entire international community Monday as part of an effort to stifle dissent. “At the order of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman, teams of assassination squads were dispatched to all corners of…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40WSR)
A New York Times report suggests Jared Kushner likely paid little to nothing for millions of dollars in income between 2009 and 2016 by using legal loopholes. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#40WPB)
LONDON—Visibly upset as she huddled into her chair and glanced around the Family Planning Association waiting room, a nervous Meghan Markle looked over several informational pamphlets Monday while weighing her options regarding her pregnancy. “I suppose I thought Harry and I would have some more time together as just…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#40WHZ)
DENVER, CO—Noting that the pathetic 30-year-old may as well have been invisible to the men around her, sources confirmed Monday that loser woman Kathleen Owens has never inspired even a single bar fight. “Strangely, the sight of Kathleen failed to motivate even a single guy to pick up a pool cue and smash it over the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40WDQ)
CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—In what is being described as the most ruthless act of bovine–crustacean violence in years, local authorities confirmed Monday that a charging herd of cattle had trampled 49 lobsters to death on the southern coast of Maine, marking a bloody escalation in their surf ’n’ turf war.Read more...
by The Onion on (#40WDR)
Antarctica, Earth’s southernmost continent, faces numerous threats from climate change, but many people don’t know very much about the isolated area. The Onion looks back at a history of exploration, scientific study, and human activity in Antarctica.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#40WDS)
DUNCANVILLE, TX—Beckoning the boy to come closer so “Nana can feel those washboard abs,†local grandmother Shirley Paulson was reportedly amazed Monday by how fuckable her grandson has gotten since she last saw him. “My, Jackson, you are really growing into quite the grade-A slice of man meat! Ooh, I just want to…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40WDT)
Washington’s Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty is unconstitutional due to its unequal application depending on race and extenuating circumstances, making it the 20th state to do away with capital punishment. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#40W97)
DENVER—Realizing with horror that they had forgotten to do a final sweep of the neonatal intensive care unit, nurses at Saint Joseph Hospital were reportedly mortified to discover a 40-pound baby Monday after accidentally leaving it in an incubator over the weekend. “Oh, God, it totally slipped my mind that we were…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40RNX)
Famed physicist Stephen Hawking’s final paper, titled “Black Hole Entropy And Soft Hair,†has been published, dealing with the question of what happens when objects fall into black holes. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#40QJV)
Bill and Hillary Clinton announced a joint tour this week to tour North America, allowing audiences to hear conversations with a couple that has “helped shape our world.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#40QF8)
SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting it would be rather awkward to come clean at this juncture now, retired American Airlines pilot Chesley “Sully†Sullenberger realized Friday that it was almost certainly too late to let everybody know that the Airbus A320 of flight 1549, which landed in the Hudson on Jan. 15, 2009 with no loss…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#40QBW)
PHILADELPHIA—Throughout the runtime of the two-hour movie, local mother of three Barbara Rosenstock, 62, took several opportunities Friday to declare her hatred for the bad guy. “Oh, he’s just being so mean to his girlfriend! That’s terrible. It’s just awful how he treats her!†said Rosenstock, gasping and shaking her…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#40Q81)
LOS ANGELES—Insisting that a new age of unwinding was upon the world if they only paid attention, Kanye West jumped onto a massage table at Deluca Bodywork Friday to deliver a highly charged speech about relaxation. “We’re at this point in history where humans can’t relax—they’re on edge, they’re high-strung, and we…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40Q82)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#40Q83)
ATLANTA, GA—Pacing and cursing as they searched in vain for a note, the entire Falcons roster reportedly panicked Friday after finding a massive scratch in Mercedes Benz Stadium. “Dammit, who did this? It’s halfway down the whole thing! Christ, this is going to cost a fortune to fix,†said a distressed Matt Ryan as he…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#40Q3S)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#40PYW)
CHICAGO—Saying there’s just no better way to get the fresh thoughts percolating, local woman Isabelle Garner, 28, told reporters Friday that she gets all her best ideas while showering with two totally ripped hunks. “Whenever I’m feeling a little blocked, I hop in the shower with a couple of stunningly gorgeous…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40NAQ)
SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the 350-mile-wide Category 4 cyclonic storm system could strike any region of the United States at any time, panicked meteorologists at the National Weather Service issued an official advisory Thursday for the entire country to take cover after admitting they’d lost track of Hurricane…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40N3D)
HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—As the department store chain prepared to file for bankruptcy and close its retail locations, Sears CEO Eddie Lampert reportedly announced “The convergence is at hand†Thursday as all Sears employees, clad in white gowns, reported to company headquarters. “Brothers and sisters of Sears, I beseech…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40N3E)
Hurricane Michael, a Category 4 storm, has made landfall close to Panama City, FL in what experts are calling the most dangerous storm ever recorded in the area. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#40MZ9)
EARTH—Insisting that the planet’s resources could be put to far better use than toward their own paltry existence, the world’s salamander population reportedly gathered Thursday to bravely announce their willingness to go extinct in the place of a better animal. “We’ll do it. We’re small, slimy, and stupid, and we…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#40MZA)
PORTSMOUTH, NH—Calling the dish one of the tastiest she’s had in some time, 61-year-old mom Karyn Stockton continued to rave Thursday about the butternut squash ravioli she tried 13 years ago during a vacation to Boston. “Who would have thought to put squash into ravioli?†Stockton said of the pasta dish she consumed…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#40MSZ)
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by The Onion on (#40MMY)
CHICAGO—Saying the classical language was a practical choice for anyone interested in awakening the dead, a new report released Thursday by the University of Chicago found that students who take Latin have a better chance of summoning a demon later in life. “According to our data, children who studied Latin in grade…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40MMZ)
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has extended an invitation to Pope Francis to visit Pyongyang with the hopes of highlighting peace efforts on the Korean Peninsula. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#40MB6)
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by The Onion on (#40MB7)
ATLANTA—Screaming as loudly as he could while army-crawling towards the “finicky†router, Gogo Internet technician Bart Corfield reportedly urged passengers to “try it now†Thursday while standing on the wing fixing their in-flight wireless connection. “I’m just going to turn it off and on real quick, and you guys…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40JPS)
United Nations Ambassador and former South Carolina governor Nikki Haley will leave her post at the end of the year, the latest departure from the volatile Trump administration. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#40JET)
WASHINGTON—Calling the phenomenon “yummy yummy good,†the collective United States populace issued a statement Wednesday declaring that they “love when thing taste like other thing.†“We big like when chip taste like salsa! We lots like when pancake taste like cookie! When food taste like other food, can’t stop! Put…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#40JA8)
NEW YORK—In an effort to find a more constructive way to cost the other team yardage, the NFL asked pass rushers on Wednesday to seek amicable resolutions with opposing quarterbacks before resorting to a tackle. “Instead of immediately stooping to a violent hit, defensive ends and linebackers should take an empathetic…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40JA9)
WASHINGTON—Assuring critics that the study would provide valuable information on the spread of sexually transmitted infections in rural populations, the U.S. Public Health Service announced Wednesday that they estimate to have the Tuskegee Study of Untreated Syphilis in the Negro Male wrapped up by the year 2020.…Read more...
by The Onion on (#40J4X)
CINCINNATI, OH—Calling the device the perfect addition to any bathroom with loud acoustics or thin walls, Febreze officials announced Wednesday that the company had released a new air horn for covering up unpleasant bathroom sounds. “Pesky, embarrassing bodily functions are simply no match for Febreze’s new…Read more...