The Onion

The Onion holds the virtues of integrity, courage, and accountability above all others, and after more than two centuries of ethical primacy in journalism, America’s Finest News Source has been rewarded with a company culture renowned for its moral rectitude.Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Suggesting that the social network may never have existed had the helpless animal not perished before his eyes, Mark Zuckerberg reportedly recalled Thursday how he came up with the idea for Facebook after seeing a dopamine-addicted lab rat starve to death. “I remember watching that frail, malnourished…Read more...

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For too long, I have kept quiet. For too long, I convinced myself that what we were doing at Facebook—bringing people together and uniting humanity in common purpose—was so important that I dared not jeopardize it by speaking out. But now, I realize I have a duty to talk about what I saw. I was a high-level employee…Read more...

HAWTHORNE, CA—Citing their experiences watching recent World Cups, MLS matches, and various youth soccer games, every patron at O’Brien’s Pub offered a different, incorrect definition of the sport’s notoriously nebulous “offside” ruling. “One guy’s saying that if you pass the ball across two lines, it’s offside, but…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing remorse for disparaging an organization with such a noble mission, the nation’s Facebook users admitted they were ashamed of criticizing the social media company after seeing its heartwarming “Here Together” advertising campaign, sources confirmed Thursday. “My God, what were we thinking?” said…Read more...

Xbox chief Phil Spencer acknowledged this week that Microsoft is “deep into architecturing the next Xbox consoles,” which could arrive as soon as 2020 to deliver on rumors of a fully streaming gaming service and a family of console devices. What do you think?Read more...

Make sure you have some tissues nearby, #Resistance Nation. This is bound to give you a happy sniffle or two.Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to dismiss widespread criticism, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly insisted Thursday that anyone with the same skewed values and tenacious thirst for power could have made the same mistakes he did. “I know I screwed up, and I understand why you’re all upset, but if you were a morally…Read more...

BADDECK, NOVA SCOTIA—Researchers reportedly uncovered new journals Wednesday that revealed Alexander Graham Bell originally invented the telephone as the first step in consolidating all American businesses into a single monopoly. “Apparently overlooked until now, Bell’s papers indicate that from his earliest…Read more...

As part of the recent summit with Kim Jong-un, President Trump pledged to halt annual military exercises with South Korean troops, a measure intended to lower tensions in the region and open further dialogue. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—After a court ruling approved AT&T’s bid to acquire Time Warner for $85 billion, citizens across the nation expressed shock Wednesday, stating that they could not comprehend why anyone would voluntarily choose to purchase a media company. “Jesus, who the hell would want to do that?” said San Jose, CA…Read more...

Most video game developers use their massive platform at E3 to make announcements about future releases, but one brave company at the expo decided to take some time to atone for its past: EA Sports just spent the entirety of its E3 presentation apologizing for putting Antoine Walker on the cover of NBA Live 99.Read more...

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ATLANTA—Promising that fans would get to see all their old favorites in new and exciting situations, TBS announced plans Wednesday to revive classic 1990s baseball team the Atlanta Braves. “By bringing back the beloved Atlanta Braves of the ’90s, we hope to capture the spirit and fun of the original team but with a…Read more...

June 11 marked the 25th anniversary since Jurassic Park was released in theaters, spawning a media franchise that includes four films (with at least two more on the way) and a variety of video games and comics. The Onion looks back at some of the milestones from the dinosaur disaster series’s 25 years.Read more...

ALL OF SPACE AND TIME—Following a U.S. district court ruling that allowed the multinational conglomerate to acquire Time Warner, sources confirmed Wednesday that a rapidly expanding AT&T had proceeded to merge with the entirety of existence. Upon absorbing the totality of things—including Earth, every known…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Touting the upcoming film as a significant visual leap forward from the previous ones in the series, producers of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom told reporters Wednesday that their production includes a more scientifically accurate Jeff Goldblum. “Thanks to advances in cinematic technology and digital…Read more...

In order to comply with the Presidential Records Act, White House staffers have been forced to sort through papers compulsively ripped apart by Trump and taped them back together. What do you think?Read more...

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ATLANTA—In response to a U.S. district court judge overturning a Justice Department ruling that had previously blocked an $85 billion merger between telecom giant AT&T and its parent company, Time Warner, CNN reportedly promised Tuesday that the consolidation would have no effect on its ability to maintain a complete…Read more...

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In an effort to emulate the recent success of North Korea, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia announced Tuesday plans to escalate human rights abuses to curry more favor with the United States. “We really need to take bold steps to double the number of unlawful airstrikes on Yemeni civilians while…Read more...

The Electronics Gaming Expo, the premier industry convention known as E3, kicks off today with three days of video game announcements. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—The annual Electronic Entertainment Expo was called off Tuesday after its organizers discovered the immersive power of literature, reportedly realizing that no video game could ever compare to the wonder of opening a work by Leo Tolstoy or Jorge Luis Borges and becoming engrossed in a masterful volume of…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Cementing his reputation as an auteurist designer of bleeding-edge video games, Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima took the stage at a press conference during the Electronic Entertainment Expo Tuesday to unveil Death Stranding, a new gaming opus consisting entirely of a two-hour pre-rendered cutscene.…Read more...

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Over half a million people in the U.S. experience homelessness on an average night, and the circumstances of homelessness are often misunderstood by elected officials and the general public. The Onion looks at some of the common myths about homelessness.Read more...

NEW YORK—In recently released photographs that sent shockwaves through the community, sources confirmed Tuesday that local body positivity advocate Heidi Gustason was caught in an illicit tryst with a conventionally attractive lover. “He has beautiful, dark eyes, a strong jaw, and symmetrical features—how could she,”…Read more...

A study published in The BMJ found that the more years of schooling someone gets, the more likely they will need glasses for nearsightedness. What do you think?Read more...

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Researchers at Stanford University have produced a blood test that can accurately predict a pregnant woman’s due date, plus or minus 14 days, as an alternative to ultrasounds. What do you think?Read more...

ELMONT, NY—Emitting an ear-piercing squeal while surveying the blood-soaked hay in the stable, American thoroughbred racehorse Justify woke up Monday next to the decapitated head of his prized jockey Monday after refusing to throw the Triple Crown. According to sources, the dazed colt, which had won the Belmont Stakes…Read more...

MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Racking his brain to recall the identity of the familiar face milling around the gathering, the Dalai Lama swore Monday that he recognized a guy at a neighborhood party from a past life. “Man, I’m almost positive I’ve seen that person before, but this was years ago—like, eight or nine lives, at…Read more...

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Unable to help themselves from eavesdropping on the interaction going on in the romantic corner behind them, diners at the Boca Bistro told reporters Monday that the couple fucking at the next table was obviously on their third date. “From the number of excuse-me’s and little exclamations of…Read more...

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Beyoncé and Jay-Z have kicked off their continuation of the “On The Run” tour with massive set pieces and a wide selection from their iconic catalogues in a performance at Cardiff, Wales. What do you think?Read more...

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Everyone loves how laid-back comic book bad boy Deadpool is, with his witty irreverence and cool disregard for social conventions delighting audiences around the world. ClickHole wants to cash in on all that goodwill, which is why we’re now taking preorders for a completely unlicensed Deadpool shirt even though we…Read more...

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ELMONT, NY—After weeks of trading insults and mounting animosity between the 3-year-old colts, the weigh-in for the Belmont Stakes erupted into an all-out brawl Saturday as Justify and Bravazo exchanged blows on the stage. “As soon as they hit the scales, the horses were in each others’ faces snorting, stomping, and…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Ensuring that the project could be deployed at a moment’s notice at all times, an assistant always follows around Warner Bros. CEO Kevin Tsujihara with a suitcase containing the codes to authorize Collateral Beauty 2, sources confirmed Friday. “Whenever Mr. Tsujihara is traveling outside of the office, I…Read more...

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CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Stunned by both the sheer good fortune of their discovery and its implications for future exploration, scientists at NASA confirmed Friday that the Curiosity Rover had found five bucks in the red dust of Mars’ Gale Crater. “This is unbelievable—five whole American dollars!” said program director Jim…Read more...

TEMPE, AZ—Advising passengers on Flight 523 to Chicago to sit tight while the aircraft was rerouted, United Airlines pilot Thomas Langard informed his passengers Friday that they would be altering course to avoid a scary cloud that looked just like a big shark. “This is your captain speaking; it’s my duty to inform…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Emphasizing the graduates’ enthusiasm for life, eagerness to contribute to society, and 22 percent higher than average engagement rate with online data aggregation sites, Facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg delivered a commencement speech at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology Friday…Read more...