The Onion

CHICAGO—Speculating that the self-anesthetizing, scalpel-bearing woman must have left the house in a big hurry that morning, passengers on a crowded Chicago Brown Line train confirmed Friday that a fellow rider attempted a quick session of plastic surgery on her face while on her way to work. “She must have overslept…Read more...

A recent investigation into the president’s taxes found that his businesses lost over $1 billion from 1985 to 1995, suggesting he lost more money in those years than nearly any other U.S. taxpayer. What do you think?Read more...

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James Cameron’s long-awaited follow-up to Avatar has seen its release date pushed back by a year until December 17, 2021. What do you think?Read more...

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DENVER—Telling them the relationship would stay the same no matter what happens, divorcing parents Lydia Block and Greg Pascale took a moment to assure their anxious young children that their family dog would always love them, sources reported Thursday. “I know this is a big change, but even though Mommy and Daddy…Read more...

SAN BRUNO, CA—Following the Colorado school shooting that left one dead and eight others wounded, YouTube announced Thursday it had moved quickly to shut down the accounts of one of the suspects after receiving complaints over copyright violations. “Shortly after the heartbreaking events in Highlands Ranch, we took…Read more...

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Among major developers, Naughty Dog has always led the pack for LGBTQ representation. But even considering their track record, the latest trailer for The Last Of Us 2 featured a huge inclusivity win when it revealed that Harvey Milk is still alive and well in the game’s universe.Read more...

NEW YORK—Calling his employees a lean, versatile team capable of being fired at a moment’s notice, local CEO David Bradford described his marketing firm Stact Media as an agile, dynamic company able to respond to any challenge by laying off half of its staff. “This industry is always evolving, but what makes us…Read more...

As the eighth generation of one of the most beloved RPGs out there, the new Pokémon games have been rabidly anticipated by fans. Although details have been scarce, we’ve scoured the web and grilled our exclusive sources to get as many details as we can about the upcoming Switch releases. So, without further ado, let’s…Read more...

An IPCC report found that humanity’s destruction of the planet threatens to cause the extinction of more than 40% of amphibians, 33% of coral reefs, and over a third of all marine mammals. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—In what television audience-representation advocates are terming a long-overdue change to an archaic system, NBC announced Wednesday that popular singing competition show The Voice has amended its rules to allow viewers who aren’t white landowning males to cast their votes in the show’s 17th season. “Until…Read more...

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Many diners make decisions about where to eat based on a restaurant’s health inspection grade, but may not know exactly how inspectors arrive at their scores. The Onion provides a primer for how restaurant inspection grades are calculated.Read more...

NEWARK, NJ—Pledging to foster a workplace environment more representative of the animal kingdom at large, local accounting firm Hilltop Partners announced Thursday a commitment to recruiting and hiring more Bengal tiger candidates as part of a new office biodiversity initiative. “Hilltop Partners recently welcomed a…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—An after-school program Fund The Passion launched this week with the aim of inspiring economically advantaged youth to express themselves through funding the arts. “So many wealthy kids in our area show great financial potential, and our goal is to provide them with an opportunity to channel their love…Read more...

Hold on, OGN readers, because it’s almost certain the next big thing in indie gaming is out there right now. Whether you’re a casual or serious gamer, everyone has to play this amazing new game that probably exists about a lonely penguin that inherited his family’s house or some shit like that.Read more...

MIAMI—Referring to the sport as a loss leader that “never really captured public interest,” Marlins officials confirmed Wednesday they were exploring the idea of shutting down the organization’s unprofitable baseball wing. “Unfortunately, we may have to cut our losses and shift our focus to more profitable sectors…Read more...

Amidst a growing consensus on legal marijuana, Denver voters will decide this week whether to decriminalize magic mushrooms, the hallucinogen that has been outlawed since 1970. What do you think?Read more...

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SANTA MONICA, CA—Introducing an update aimed at heightening the realism of the game, Activision announced Wednesday that a new career mode for Call Of Duty: Black Ops 4 allows playable characters who retire from the military to continue the fight by joining Raytheon’s board of directors. “Players who rack up enough…Read more...

Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, has given birth to a baby boy, her first child with Prince Harry and a child who will be seventh in line to the throne. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Unrelenting in her dedication to dazzle at the annual Met Gala event, a visibly exhausted Lady Gaga proclaimed “Voila!” Tuesday afternoon during her 149th consecutive costume change as museum visitors gingerly stepped over her. “Behold—I am a butterfly—now witness the monarch’s metamorphosis!” said the…Read more...

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If you’re into indie gaming, then Steam is the platform to beat. Here are our picks showcasing the absolute best independent titles out there.Read more...

So you’ve probably heard about the new report saying human-caused climate change is putting about a million different species of animals and plants at risk of extinction, and we just wanted to pop on over and say that it’s true, a lot of us are on our way out the door.

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to lessen the financial strain of hosting the Summer Games, officials from the city of Los Angeles announced Tuesday a new plan to hold the 2028 Olympics in Toronto for the tax incentives. “It just makes the most sense when it comes down to our budget—with a little bit of set dressing, Toronto…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to boost the nation’s appetite, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that July would be designated Food Awareness Month as part of a program to rekindle American interest in eating. “We’re excited to announce this campaign will stretch over the entire course of July and…Read more...

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Sometimes, the world just makes sense.Read more...

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Heralding the three-hour experience as “a mature, cinematic triumph beyond its time,” film critics offered high praise Tuesday for the single long, unbroken take a theater parent employed to capture a Desert Shadows Middle School production of Guys And Dolls. “The breathtaking decision to tell…Read more...

Researchers at King’s College London have found trace amounts of cocaine and ketamine in shrimp tested in locations across England, pointing to the widespread menace of “invisible chemicals,” such as drugs, entering the water supply. What do you think?Read more...

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If you think of Pittsburgh as an old Rust Belt city, then you haven’t been here since it was completely power-washed in the late 2000s.Read more...

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A report commissioned by the British government found that Christians represented over 80% of those persecuted for religious beliefs worldwide, stressing their treatment in the Middle East approached near-genocide levels. What do you think?Read more...

PRESCOTT, AZ—Saying that it’s been ages since you made her one of your special pictures with your art set, Grandma, 86, inquired Monday as to whether or not you are still drawing. “Remember the pictures of my house you drew for me when you were only in second grade? I still have them. You were so good!” said Grandma,…Read more...

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COLUMBUS, OH—Revealing at long last the creative process behind a successful career during which he has written over 300 books, best-selling children’s author R.L. Stine disclosed during an interview Monday that all of his writing is dictated to him directly by God. “One morning, I was walking in the woods behind my…Read more...

By now, it’s clear that CD Projekt Red’s Cyberpunk 2077 is among this year’s most anticipated games. Developed by the team behind The Witcher, the title touts an ungodly level of customization, a sprawling science-fiction universe, and an unmatched development pedigree. And while the game showed real promise in our…Read more...

In one of his first forays into television, Kanye West will produce a half-hour anthology series that focuses on perception, with the first season exploring the concept of the ego through an alternate-universe Kanye West. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Expressing disappointment that the beloved series had evidently been tainted by corporate interests, Game Of Thrones fans across the nation were annoyed Sunday at the show’s increasingly frequent and obvious product placement for Valyrian steel. “It’s just so gross and artificial. They really go out of…Read more...

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