The Onion

CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—In what is being described as the most ruthless act of bovine–crustacean violence in years, local authorities confirmed Monday that a charging herd of cattle had trampled 49 lobsters to death on the southern coast of Maine, marking a bloody escalation in their surf ’n’ turf war.Read more...

Antarctica, Earth’s southernmost continent, faces numerous threats from climate change, but many people don’t know very much about the isolated area. The Onion looks back at a history of exploration, scientific study, and human activity in Antarctica.Read more...

DUNCANVILLE, TX—Beckoning the boy to come closer so “Nana can feel those washboard abs,” local grandmother Shirley Paulson was reportedly amazed Monday by how fuckable her grandson has gotten since she last saw him. “My, Jackson, you are really growing into quite the grade-A slice of man meat! Ooh, I just want to…Read more...

Washington’s Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty is unconstitutional due to its unequal application depending on race and extenuating circumstances, making it the 20th state to do away with capital punishment. What do you think?Read more...

DENVER—Realizing with horror that they had forgotten to do a final sweep of the neonatal intensive care unit, nurses at Saint Joseph Hospital were reportedly mortified to discover a 40-pound baby Monday after accidentally leaving it in an incubator over the weekend. “Oh, God, it totally slipped my mind that we were…Read more...

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Famed physicist Stephen Hawking’s final paper, titled “Black Hole Entropy And Soft Hair,” has been published, dealing with the question of what happens when objects fall into black holes. What do you think?Read more...

Bill and Hillary Clinton announced a joint tour this week to tour North America, allowing audiences to hear conversations with a couple that has “helped shape our world.” What do you think?Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting it would be rather awkward to come clean at this juncture now, retired American Airlines pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger realized Friday that it was almost certainly too late to let everybody know that the Airbus A320 of flight 1549, which landed in the Hudson on Jan. 15, 2009 with no loss…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Throughout the runtime of the two-hour movie, local mother of three Barbara Rosenstock, 62, took several opportunities Friday to declare her hatred for the bad guy. “Oh, he’s just being so mean to his girlfriend! That’s terrible. It’s just awful how he treats her!” said Rosenstock, gasping and shaking her…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Insisting that a new age of unwinding was upon the world if they only paid attention, Kanye West jumped onto a massage table at Deluca Bodywork Friday to deliver a highly charged speech about relaxation. “We’re at this point in history where humans can’t relax—they’re on edge, they’re high-strung, and we…Read more...

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ATLANTA, GA—Pacing and cursing as they searched in vain for a note, the entire Falcons roster reportedly panicked Friday after finding a massive scratch in Mercedes Benz Stadium. “Dammit, who did this? It’s halfway down the whole thing! Christ, this is going to cost a fortune to fix,” said a distressed Matt Ryan as he…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Saying there’s just no better way to get the fresh thoughts percolating, local woman Isabelle Garner, 28, told reporters Friday that she gets all her best ideas while showering with two totally ripped hunks. “Whenever I’m feeling a little blocked, I hop in the shower with a couple of stunningly gorgeous…Read more...

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the 350-mile-wide Category 4 cyclonic storm system could strike any region of the United States at any time, panicked meteorologists at the National Weather Service issued an official advisory Thursday for the entire country to take cover after admitting they’d lost track of Hurricane…Read more...

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HOFFMAN ESTATES, IL—As the department store chain prepared to file for bankruptcy and close its retail locations, Sears CEO Eddie Lampert reportedly announced “The convergence is at hand” Thursday as all Sears employees, clad in white gowns, reported to company headquarters. “Brothers and sisters of Sears, I beseech…Read more...

Hurricane Michael, a Category 4 storm, has made landfall close to Panama City, FL in what experts are calling the most dangerous storm ever recorded in the area. What do you think?Read more...

EARTH—Insisting that the planet’s resources could be put to far better use than toward their own paltry existence, the world’s salamander population reportedly gathered Thursday to bravely announce their willingness to go extinct in the place of a better animal. “We’ll do it. We’re small, slimy, and stupid, and we…Read more...

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Calling the dish one of the tastiest she’s had in some time, 61-year-old mom Karyn Stockton continued to rave Thursday about the butternut squash ravioli she tried 13 years ago during a vacation to Boston. “Who would have thought to put squash into ravioli?” Stockton said of the pasta dish she consumed…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Saying the classical language was a practical choice for anyone interested in awakening the dead, a new report released Thursday by the University of Chicago found that students who take Latin have a better chance of summoning a demon later in life. “According to our data, children who studied Latin in grade…Read more...

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has extended an invitation to Pope Francis to visit Pyongyang with the hopes of highlighting peace efforts on the Korean Peninsula. What do you think?Read more...

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ATLANTA—Screaming as loudly as he could while army-crawling towards the “finicky” router, Gogo Internet technician Bart Corfield reportedly urged passengers to “try it now” Thursday while standing on the wing fixing their in-flight wireless connection. “I’m just going to turn it off and on real quick, and you guys…Read more...

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United Nations Ambassador and former South Carolina governor Nikki Haley will leave her post at the end of the year, the latest departure from the volatile Trump administration. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the phenomenon “yummy yummy good,” the collective United States populace issued a statement Wednesday declaring that they “love when thing taste like other thing.” “We big like when chip taste like salsa! We lots like when pancake taste like cookie! When food taste like other food, can’t stop! Put…Read more...

NEW YORK—In an effort to find a more constructive way to cost the other team yardage, the NFL asked pass rushers on Wednesday to seek amicable resolutions with opposing quarterbacks before resorting to a tackle. “Instead of immediately stooping to a violent hit, defensive ends and linebackers should take an empathetic…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Assuring critics that the study would provide valuable information on the spread of sexually transmitted infections in rural populations, the U.S. Public Health Service announced Wednesday that they estimate to have the Tuskegee Study of Untreated Syphilis in the Negro Male wrapped up by the year 2020.…Read more...

CINCINNATI, OH—Calling the device the perfect addition to any bathroom with loud acoustics or thin walls, Febreze officials announced Wednesday that the company had released a new air horn for covering up unpleasant bathroom sounds. “Pesky, embarrassing bodily functions are simply no match for Febreze’s new…Read more...

More Americans rent their home now than at any point in the past 50 years, and many tenants have to contend with landlords who make their lives miserable. The Onion offers tips for dealing with a difficult landlord.Read more...

IRVING, TX—In the wake of a report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change that projected the planet had only a decade to prevent catastrophic global warming, ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods was reportedly feeling depressed Wednesday after realizing the Earth could end before they finished extracting all the oil.…Read more...

Singer–songwriter Taylor Swift broke her long-held political silence to endorse two Democrats running in Tennessee and to urge her 100 million Instagram followers to vote in the midterms. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly panicked as the American public remained oblivious to their efforts, numerous terrified climate scientists had resorted to frantically waving their arms while loudly begging to be acknowledged by throngs of passersby who proceeded to walk straight through them, sources confirmed…Read more...

The U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released a report this week suggesting humanity must make urgent and unprecedented changes to avert the catastrophe caused by 1.5 degrees celsius of warming. What do you think?Read more...

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NASHVILLE, TN—Motivating the masses to participate in the democratic process with her popular Instagram post, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly inspired 200 million fans from all over the country this week to register to vote in Tennessee. “Taylor hasn’t really talked much about politics over the course of her career,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on how Americans are preparing for their golden years, a report published Tuesday by the National Institute on Retirement Security found that most people’s plans consist entirely of the hope that some random junk piece they own ends up being a collector’s item worth millions of dollars.…Read more...

A USC study found that half of all tweets criticizing Star Wars: The Last Jedi were either non-human bots or Russian trolls using the debate to propagate extreme far-right political messages. What do you think?Read more...

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SEATTLE—Exuberantly tapping the glass of the murky case as he tried to attract the attention of hospital staff, transplant patient Robert McCarthy appeared to be barely able to contain his excitement Tuesday while gesturing to the organ he wanted in the surgical wing lobby’s fresh kidney tank. “I want that one, the…Read more...

Life can be pretty rough when you’re feeling down in the dumps. Maybe it starts because school is stressing you out, or you get into an argument with your best friend, or your big crush rejects you. Or maybe your life is actually going okay, but for some reason your mind keeps taking a turn down some pretty dark…Read more...

TOLEDO, OH—In a move that obliterated the final vestiges of his youthful innocence, toddler Charles Mankiewicz, 3, was told Tuesday that he could no longer touch his own genitals at the dinner table, robbing him forever of the simple joy of childhood. “Stop that,” said the child’s joyless parents, ensuring that the…Read more...

DES MOINES, IA—In what experts are calling a bizarre and confusing incident, local man Allen McIntire reportedly awoke from troubled dreams Tuesday to find himself transformed into a gigantic Kafka. Sources confirmed that the traveling salesman, 30, remained in bed for several minutes after waking, struggling to come…Read more...

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GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—Warning that millions would starve in the streets unless world leaders took decisive action, scientists representing the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change confirmed Monday that there was still time left to blow up the Earth before irreversible global warming condemned humanity to slow…Read more...