The Onion

BEIJING—In an effort to completely stamp out any possibility of political unrest, officials within the Chinese government have scrubbed from the internet all evidence that might suggest their nation exists, according to a highly classified internal report obtained by reporters Wednesday. “To ensure the safety of our…Read more...

CUPERTINO—Holding their receipts aloft as they seized the tech executive, a mob of irate mothers reportedly tore Apple CEO Tim Cook limb from limb Wednesday, demanding to know whether their iTunes gift cards would still be active after the app shut down. “Mr. Cook! Mr. Cook! What about our hard-earned money? My son…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Trying desperately to come up with a less emasculating explanation for the injury, Andrew McCutchen admitted Wednesday that he was too embarrassed to tell everyone that he actually got hurt playing baseball. “God, this is humiliating. How do you get hurt just running around a stupid baseball diamond?…Read more...

With a hot new trailer teasing a fresh take on the series, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare has suddenly jumped up on every shooter fan’s must-have list. Here’s what we know so far about the reimagining of the iconic franchise.Read more...

After nearly two decades of the iconic music software, Apple will shut down iTunes to break it into several refreshed apps for music, movies, TV, and podcasts. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—As the S&P advanced 0.9% the moment awestruck investors saw all the bills spread out in a dramatic fan, financial experts confirmed that the U.S. stock market rallied significantly Wednesday following the Federal Reserve chairman Jay Powell’s flamboyant display of a huge wad of cash. “Holy shit is that a fat…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Encouraging her patient to really explore the various annoyances of workplace culture, therapist Dr. Brittany Mendoza, who wrote her doctoral thesis on the long-term effects of trauma on survivors of sex trafficking and has worked with survivors for over a decade, spent almost an hour Wednesday urging client…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Halting play and rushing team doctors on field after the mascot reported feeling painful contractions, the Cleveland Indians were forced to delay a game Tuesday after Slider began to go into labor on the field. “After we saw this purple viscous puddle on the grass, we realized Slider’s water had broken. We…Read more...

In a visit that will encompass a royal visit with the Queen, a diplomatic banquet, and a wave of planned protests, President Trump arrived in the U.K. for a state visit this week. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In a desperate, perhaps final attempt to prevent the earth’s temperatures from rising to catastrophic levels, a last-ditch climate change report issued Tuesday by the U.N. includes nothing more than the whereabouts of top oil executives and directions to secret weapons caches. “For decades, we have failed in…Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—Noting that such individuals had repeatedly upset the competition’s balance and atmosphere, Jeopardy! officials announced a permanent ban Tuesday on any obsessive weirdos who ruin the fun by preparing way too much for the show. “Effective immediately, we will be banning anyone who makes things awkward…Read more...

PALATINE, IL—Emphasizing that quality time with his boy was something to savor now because “someday soon he’ll be too big for this kind of thing,” local father Marty Baker spent Tuesday afternoon joyfully throwing his 7-year-old son, Kyler, around the backyard. “Nothing better than getting a little fresh air while…Read more...

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The world of speedruns is a relentless battleground, where the constant one-upping and millisecond time differences can often dull the impressiveness of what you are actually seeing. But yesterday, we saw something that stopped us in our tracks and broke nearly every assumption about one of the most popular genres on…Read more...

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The intellectual property of Sports Illustrated, including the swimsuit issue and Sportsman Of The Year award, will be sold to the Authentic Brands group for $110 million. What do you think?Read more...

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SAN FRANCISCO—Wearily recounting what, at first, seemed to be unrelated stories, a group of tired friends who had found themselves changed for the better over the course of their day met up at Kelly’s Pub Monday evening to discuss their thematically linked, lesson-bearing days. “You know, life is funny. Take Sarah,…Read more...

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CUPERTINO, CA—Bringing to an end weeks of fevered anticipation, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced plans Monday to sell a Power Mac G4 for $120 that can still run Photoshop CS without a hitch. “Today, Apple is proud to announce the sale of a really phenomenal personal computer featuring a 350 MHz processor, 64 MB of ram,…Read more...

The White House has escalated its attacks on climate science with actions like shuttering the study of the Earth’s warming and stripping communinqués of all references to climate change. What do you think?Read more...

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RACINE, WI—Claiming the new product was up to 99.9% effective in just the first 48 hours, Raid introduced a new repellant spray Friday specifically designed to rid living spaces of invasive Lilliputians. “Our proprietary formula will kill every single one of those tiny nuisance humans in mere minutes and completely…Read more...

There’s just something about the Gears Of War series that keeps me coming back. For some fans, it’s the thrill of mowing down enemies with the perfectly designed Lancer; for others, it’s the stickiness of the game’s signature run-and-cover combat mechanics. But what gets me so pumped about the upcoming Gears 5 is that…Read more...

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SALT LAKE CITY—Researchers from the cardiology division of the University of Utah School of Medicine released a new report Monday revealing that consumption of energy drinks can lead to your heart bursting out of your chest and riding away on a tiny skateboard. “Our study found that individuals who ingest just one or…Read more...

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BOSTON—Saying the thought of the beloved home assistant languishing in solitude “completely and utterly broke my heart,” local woman Greta Benson, 36, expressed dismay Monday upon learning that her Google Home had been sitting in her front window and barking at passersby all day. “I got home from work and the…Read more...

J.K. Rowling will release four short Harry Potter e-books next month exploring the history of magic through themes such as “Defence Against the Dark Arts” as well as “Potions and Herbology” alongside never-before-seen sketches and notes from the series’ universe. What do you think?Read more...

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—In the hours following a violent rampage in Virginia in which a lone attacker killed 12 individuals and injured four others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking…Read more...

Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare won’t be in stores until October, but the reboot of the beloved gaming series is already garnering massive praise for the grim, harrowing fun users can have while killing civilians. Ever since developer Infinity Ward released a trailer yesterday, critics have been lauding the game for the…Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—During an introduction of the show’s game board Friday, grinning Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek reportedly unveiled a series of highly intrusive categories about current champion James Holzhauer’s personal life before snickering, “Let’s see you answer these, James.”Read more...

In an extraordinary admission of foreign interference in the 2016 election, President Trump tweeted that he had nothing to do with Russian efforts that helped him “to get elected” before later contradicting this statement in conversation with reporters. What do you think?Read more...

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THE UPPER REALM—Gasping as a murky, flickering cloud slowly began to engulf the map he had drawn with his staff in the stars above, the aged and wizened fantasy character Astron the Ancient confirmed to reporters Friday that the darkness had finally been awakened, just as the ancestors had foretold. “The Shadow…Read more...

Huge news for Twitch fans everywhere: The streaming platform just announced that they’ll now allow users to broadcast nude as long as everyone promises not to get aroused or do anything weird. That’s right: So long as all 15 million users agree they won’t get turned on by this change, it looks like the dream of gaming…Read more...

GENEVA—In an effort to fight the persistent threat posed by the potentially fatal infection, the World Health Organization issued a warning Friday about the resurgence of Guinea worm disease after a 150-ton specimen of the Dracunculus medinensis species heaved itself out of the Atlantic Ocean. “We urge Guinea Coast…Read more...

Former Alabama judge Roy Moore is reportedly considering making another bid for the state’s Senate seat despite accusations of dating underage teenagers and warnings from the Republican establishment. What do you think?Read more...

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Investigating a crime scene is a much more complex process than it might appear in its pop-culture examples. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how a crime scene investigation works.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Feeling that the scene wasn’t completely necessary to tell the famed musician’s life story, viewers of the Elton John biopic Rocketman told reporters Thursday they were not entirely convinced the film needed to include a 45-minute scene depicting Princess Diana’s death. “I understand she was a close friend…Read more...

NEW YORK—Overcome with a swell of emotion while recalling the final words of Arizona senator John McCain, a tearful Meghan McCain opened up Thursday about how her late father’s dying wish was for her to be given her own daytime talk show. “My father was a genuine American hero, and it’s only right that we honor his…Read more...

Directly contradicting past stances that blocked Merrick Garland from joining the court, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said this week that he would fill a Supreme Court vacancy in 2020. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the seemingly concerning events actually had a perfectly reasonable explanation, the U.S. government announced Thursday that it had closed the case on investigating recent UFO sightings after determining the crafts were just routine Psylandorian patrol ships. “After following up on…Read more...

The current gaming generation is winding down, which means it’s time for the next war for console supremacy to begin. Here are all the hottest leaks, rumors, and tidbits we’ve heard about Sony’s next-gen PS5.Read more...

HOUSTON—In a last-ditch effort to populate their otherwise empty tables, financially troubled theme restaurant chain Rainforest Cafe introduced tens of thousands of lifelike animatronic patrons to their restaurants Thursday. “We’re excited to announce that the anthropomorphic wildlife, which has been our hallmark…Read more...

Well, Fortnite fans, let’s hope you were logged on this morning, because something epic just went down off the southeast coast of Paradise Palms. After weeks of leaking teasers, Epic Games finally unveiled their latest large-scale virtual experience: At 10 a.m., they hosted a massive in-game seminar where Martin…Read more...

JUPITER, FL—Insisting that he didn’t want to place an undue burden on a group of people who have served him so well, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft released a statement Thursday announcing his plans to take a voluntary leave of absence from the Orchids of Asia Day Spa. “It is incredibly difficult to walk away…Read more...

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