The Onion

Those who tuned into the Eastern Conference finals Tuesday hoping to see the same top-tier basketball that defined game 1 were likely feeling a bit frustrated last night when, without warning, the contest was suddenly brought to a screeching halt. The highly anticipated game 2 matchup between the Boston Celtics and…Read more...

FORT MEADE, MD—Taken aback by the brazen attempt to cripple the U.S. national security apparatus, high-ranking officials at the National Security Agency reportedly spent Wednesday morning scrambling to reestablish the whereabouts of a man who had covered his laptop camera with a piece of electrical tape. “Dammit,…Read more...

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REYNOLDSBURG, OH—Inviting customers to come in and sample their mouthwatering selection of hydrating shea butters, Bath & Body Works announced Wednesday it would now offer free body lotion tastings at each of its over 1,600 retail locations. “Before investing in an entire bottle of one of our moisturizing products, we…Read more...

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Spotify announced that it will no longer promote the R&B singer’s music on its editorial or algorithmic playlists in accordance with its public hate content and hateful conduct policy. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Saying that being featured on the long-running game show was a dream come true, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Wednesday that He was incredibly humbled to be the answer to a Jeopardy question. “Obviously, when I separated the light from the darkness and created all things I wasn’t doing it…Read more...

OXFORD, MI—In the wake of the literary world’s loss of iconic New Journalism writer Tom Wolfe, a report released Tuesday by the New York Review Of Books revealed that John Grisham—the novelist behind such works as The Last Juror, A Time To Kill, and Skipping Christmas—was slowly but steadily climbing the ranks of the…Read more...

The Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that a federal law that has effectively prohibited sports betting outside Nevada is unconstitutional. What do you think?Read more...

FLORENCE, ITALY—Insisting that she never intended for anyone besides her boyfriend to see the explicit images, Venus, the Roman goddess of love and fertility, was reportedly horrified Tuesday upon browsing the internet and discovering millions of nude pictures of herself. “Oh, my God, someone uploaded all these nudes…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Describing the terrifying yet valiant experience to his fellow battalion members, Israel Defense Forces soldier Yossi Saadon recounted Tuesday his harrowing, heroic war story of killing an 8-month-old Palestinian child during a violent attack against protesters. “It was a heart-pounding experience—there was…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Wiping away a tear as he confirmed the public’s worst fears, Israel prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu officially declared a nationwide day of mourning Tuesday for a section of security fence damaged in yesterday’s conflict at the Gaza border. “We must all come together and take the time to grieve for this…Read more...

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‘Titanic’ may be based on a true story, but when it comes to a poor person sketching your nude body, the movie completely abandons any grounding in reality. Here are six things James Cameron’s 1997 epic gets totally wrong about letting a vagrant draw you naked.Read more...

Man-made disasters, ones in which human activity (or inaction) causes or indirectly leads to environmental destruction and health issues, can have devastating long-term effects. The Onion looks back at the worst man-made disasters in modern history.Read more...

BALTIMORE—Marveling at her ability to shed so many preconceptions and societal norms, sources confirmed Tuesday that the pink Baltimore Orioles jersey worn by local 27-year-old Kelly Fournette undoubtedly shows that she is a sports fan, yet at the same time also maintains her femininity. “It is clear that this woman…Read more...

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MIDDLETOWN, NJ—Rattling off reason after reason why his hometown sucked, rock icon Jon Bon Jovi sheepishly told reporters Tuesday that he’s been feeling jealous of a former classmate lately who had managed to make it out of New Jersey. “Michael McCleary, man, that guy bought a one-way ticket out of this shithole and…Read more...

Thirty-two riders at Universal Studios Japan spent two hours stuck atop a 98-foot-tall hill after a malfunction on the Jurassic Park-themed Flying Dinosaur prevented the ride from continuing. What do you think?Read more...

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Lead singer of Scottish rock band Frightened Rabbit Scott Hutchison has died in an apparent suicide at the age of 36, leaving behind a legacy of speaking out on mental health awareness with songs such as “Swim Until You Can’t See Land,” “The Modern Leper,” and “Keep Yourself Warm.” What do you think?Read more...

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SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting he didn’t think he’d be utilizing intimidation tactics from his childhood this far down the line, 38-year-old Gene Booker confirmed Monday that he was surprised by how often he still uses the bullying skills he learned in high school. “I always thought destroying other people’s confidence and…Read more...

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Speaking to reporters ahead of their planned June wedding, engaged couple Sarah Hargrove and Brian Neely confirmed Monday that all they wanted was a small ceremony at their local park surrounded by close friends and a shirtless stranger hanging around a tree. “When we envision our special day, we’re…Read more...

A mystery is currently unfolding that’s completely bewildered every fifth-grader at Columbus Elementary in Hastings, Nebraska. At the present moment, no one can really tell whether the kid who just asked the sex-ed teacher if turds come out of pussies said it to be funny or out of genuine ignorance.Read more...

President Donald Trump announced he will meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un in Singapore on June 12. What do you think?Read more...

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MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—After assuming the position for more than two millennia, Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet, announced Monday that the next will be his final life before retirement. “I’ve had a good run continuously reincarnating as a tulku these past few dozen lives, but after much consideration, I think…Read more...

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Across the nation, Americans are getting ready to celebrate their moms this Sunday. What do you plan for Mother’s Day?Read more...

SIESTA KEY, FL—Saying that it was simple and straightforward to locate a gift that their mother would enjoy, the children of alcoholic Alison Cassidy confirmed Friday that she was pretty easy to shop for. “It’s cool that we don’t have to get stressed out running around to a bunch of different shops when we can just…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide the most accurate possible picture of the nation’s demographics, the Director of the U.S. Census Bureau Ron Jarmin called for an updated population report Friday after realizing he had completely forgotten to count himself. “This is a bit embarrassing, but it looks like I neglected…Read more...

BASEL, SWITZERLAND—Bedecked in a red cape and leather jumpsuit as he began shimmying into the muzzle of the artillery weapon, assisted suicide advocate David Goodall told reporters Thursday that he looked forward to ending his life before being shot out of a cannon at a brick wall. “At my age, and even earlier than my…Read more...

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CHICAGO—After he picked up the first $14.99 floral arrangement he saw at his neighborhood drugstore Friday, sources confirmed local man Connor Wurster was apparently banking on unconditional love doing most of the heavy lifting for the bouquet he selected as a Mother’s Day present. “This one looks decent enough, and…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could help shed new light on the history of the Red Planet, NASA announced Friday that a diving board found on Mars confirmed that the planet may have at one point contained water. “While the board itself is now completely cracked and arid, the very fact of its existence…Read more...

Following numerous sexual-misconduct allegations against Charlies Rose, PBS announced Christiane Amanpour will launch her new hour-long public affairs program Amanpour & Company. What do you think?Read more...

ROCHESTER, NY—Honoring their performance and consistency in regularly appearing up and down the high-score screen for decades, the World Video Game Hall Of Fame formally inducted “ASS” into its hallowed collection in a gala ceremony Friday. “After years of being overlooked for outstanding contributions to gaming in…Read more...

CORONA, CA—Boasting that their edgy new product was intended “solely for hardcore adrenaline junkies who want to grab life by the balls,” Monster Energy unveiled Friday their new defibrillator, a black-and-acid-green portable recreational unit they claim is capable of delivering 1,200 volts straight to the heart.…Read more...

It’s difficult to fathom the hardships my immigrant ancestors faced coming to America, leaving behind everything they knew to build a new life from scratch in a foreign land. Yet millions of people did exactly that, including my grandfather. He succeeded in creating a better life for himself in America against…Read more...

DEARBORN, MI—Having isolated the origin of the blaze that caused the company to halt production of the popular vehicle, representatives at Ford confirmed Thursday that the fire at the truck parts supplier’s plant was caused by a spooked F-150 knocking over a lantern. “After surveying the damage at the factory, we’ve…Read more...

PENNINGTON GAP, VA—Taking pains to ensure the returning citizens feel as normal as possible, government representatives confirmed Thursday that the Americans recently freed from North Korean prison will be put into U.S. detention camps to help ease the shock of their return to Western society. “In light of the months…Read more...

Israel caused offense when it served Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe chocolate pralines in a model man’s shoe at a diplomatic dinner, failing to take into account the lowly role shoes play in Japanese culture. What do you think?Read more...

DAMASCUS—Expressing frustration with the constant clamor coming from nearby apartments, Syrian man Sayid Madanly was reportedly kept up all night Wednesday by the sounds of his neighbors dying. “God, I wasn’t able to get any sleep because they’re upstairs just moaning and screaming in the middle of the night,” said…Read more...

Robert Mueller’s ongoing investigation into collusion between Donald Trump and the Russian government has been inching closer and closer to an indictment, and this bombshell might just be the nail in the coffin for POTUS: An ancient order of Franciscan monks has just released a 13th-century tapestry depicting Donald…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Declaring that it was long past time for his people to live once again on their ancestral soil, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly began calling Thursday for the Israeli return to their ancient homeland of Iran. “The land of Iran has long been part of our heritage, and we implore the international…Read more...

ROCHESTER, MN—Stressing the importance of afflicted individuals heeding their symptoms, Mayo Clinic researchers released a study Thursday that found that headaches are the human body’s way of communicating that it wants pills. “Our findings prove conclusively that the body uses headaches as a way of signaling that it…Read more...