by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3SCNS)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-09-16 18:03 |
by The Onion on (#3SCNT)
NEW YORK—Touting the new offering as the perfect gift for Father’s Day or any occasion to celebrate the fashionable man in your life, Brooks Brothers unveiled Friday a new line of monogramed cum rags. “Our high-quality, durable, and stylish cum rags are the only accessory you need to elevate a simple menswear ensemble…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SCJJ)
Researchers at MIT have created a “psychopath†AI named Norman by training it using data from Reddit, saying that it produced highly disturbing and violent responses to standard prompts such as image captioning. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3SCBQ)
PEABODY, MA—Having discovered the social media website open on his father’s unattended laptop, local 6-year-old Oliver Sherman stated “We must protect the pure Aryan bloodline†Friday after nine minutes of Facebook access without supervision. “There’s a white genocide going on in this country, and no one wants you to…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3SCBR)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3SCBS)
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by The Onion on (#3SCBT)
WALTHAM, MA—Saying that if the U.S. government would not act it was time to take matters into their own hands, defense contractor Raytheon declared war on North Korea, sources confirmed Friday. “Look, the American government has made it abundantly clear with their massive payments and subsidies to the private defense…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SC7M)
MENLO PARK, CA—A $30 million donation from a charity run by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan, intended to help kids learn to read, has been returned following a resounding “fuck you†from the nation’s illiterate children, sources confirmed Friday. “Take this blood money and shove it up…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SC7N)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Cautioning the public about one of the major potential drawbacks of genetically modifying embryos, ethicists at Harvard Medical School were reportedly worried Friday that the emergence of designer babies could make them look really ugly in comparison. “While gene editing has shown promise as a means of…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SC3P)
FARMINGTON, NM—Providing an opportunity to rethink the decision to leave the social media site for good, a Facebook prompt reading “You’re deleting your account? We’ll be sad to see you go†appeared on user Emily Feldman’s computer screen Friday and showed her a photo of her own dead body. “Your family and friends…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SC3Q)
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by The Onion on (#3SBZ6)
Daddy, I’ve been thinking. I know I never talk to you about Facebook. You’ve worked really hard on it, and it means a lot to you, so as your daughter I’ve always tried to keep quiet whenever it comes up. But I just can’t stay silent anymore. It’s time for me to stand up for what’s right.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SBT5)
MENLO PARK, CA—Claiming that the banner embodied the spirit of the company’s values, Mark Zuckerberg defended his controversial decision Friday to fly a Confederate flag at the Facebook headquarters. “Facebook considers itself an open environment that accepts all perspectives, and white nationalism is an important…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3SAJR)
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by The Onion on (#3SAGE)
While serving in the White House, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner earned at least $82 million in a stake from the Trump International Hotel and other real estate investment. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3SAD9)
WILMINGTON, DE—Explaining that some time away from relationships was exactly what she needed right now, local woman Jill Witmer, 32, took a break from dating Thursday to focus on everything about herself no one could ever love. “I think stepping away from the dating scene gives me the chance to really concentrate on…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SA8W)
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by The Onion on (#3SA8X)
CASA PADRE, TX—Remaining optimistic about his prospects in the land of opportunity, 3-year-old Honduran immigrant Luis Pereira still hopes to achieve the American dream of someday living in a bigger, better cage, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’m trying to make the best of my situation, and each day I’m progressing—for…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SA5D)
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by The Onion on (#3SA5E)
MENLO PARK, CA—Looking at all your posts and pictures a long time after he should have stopped, a creepy weirdo was still stalking you on Facebook, sources confirmed Thursday. The total freak reportedly goes through your profile multiple times per day and always wants to know what you’re doing, where you go, and who…Read more...
by By The Onion on (#3SA1P)
The Onion holds the virtues of integrity, courage, and accountability above all others, and after more than two centuries of ethical primacy in journalism, America’s Finest News Source has been rewarded with a company culture renowned for its moral rectitude.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3S9WQ)
MENLO PARK, CA—Suggesting that the social network may never have existed had the helpless animal not perished before his eyes, Mark Zuckerberg reportedly recalled Thursday how he came up with the idea for Facebook after seeing a dopamine-addicted lab rat starve to death. “I remember watching that frail, malnourished…Read more...
As A Facebook Employee, I Was Ordered To Bury Thousands Of Stories About Mark Zuckerberg’s Human Zoo
by By Paul Shufford on (#3S9WS)
For too long, I have kept quiet. For too long, I convinced myself that what we were doing at Facebook—bringing people together and uniting humanity in common purpose—was so important that I dared not jeopardize it by speaking out. But now, I realize I have a duty to talk about what I saw. I was a high-level employee…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3S9R2)
HAWTHORNE, CA—Citing their experiences watching recent World Cups, MLS matches, and various youth soccer games, every patron at O’Brien’s Pub offered a different, incorrect definition of the sport’s notoriously nebulous “offside†ruling. “One guy’s saying that if you pass the ball across two lines, it’s offside, but…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3S9R3)
WASHINGTON—Expressing remorse for disparaging an organization with such a noble mission, the nation’s Facebook users admitted they were ashamed of criticizing the social media company after seeing its heartwarming “Here Together†advertising campaign, sources confirmed Thursday. “My God, what were we thinking?†said…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3S9JR)
Xbox chief Phil Spencer acknowledged this week that Microsoft is “deep into architecturing the next Xbox consoles,†which could arrive as soon as 2020 to deliver on rumors of a fully streaming gaming service and a family of console devices. What do you think?Read more...
by ClickHole on ResistanceHole, shared by OnionNews t on (#3S9R4)
Make sure you have some tissues nearby, #Resistance Nation. This is bound to give you a happy sniffle or two.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3S9JS)
MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to dismiss widespread criticism, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly insisted Thursday that anyone with the same skewed values and tenacious thirst for power could have made the same mistakes he did. “I know I screwed up, and I understand why you’re all upset, but if you were a morally…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3S7ZH)
BADDECK, NOVA SCOTIA—Researchers reportedly uncovered new journals Wednesday that revealed Alexander Graham Bell originally invented the telephone as the first step in consolidating all American businesses into a single monopoly. “Apparently overlooked until now, Bell’s papers indicate that from his earliest…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3S7VZ)
As part of the recent summit with Kim Jong-un, President Trump pledged to halt annual military exercises with South Korean troops, a measure intended to lower tensions in the region and open further dialogue. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3S7RG)
WASHINGTON—After a court ruling approved AT&T’s bid to acquire Time Warner for $85 billion, citizens across the nation expressed shock Wednesday, stating that they could not comprehend why anyone would voluntarily choose to purchase a media company. “Jesus, who the hell would want to do that?†said San Jose, CA…Read more...
by Steve Etheridge on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews on (#3S7W0)
Most video game developers use their massive platform at E3 to make announcements about future releases, but one brave company at the expo decided to take some time to atone for its past: EA Sports just spent the entirety of its E3 presentation apologizing for putting Antoine Walker on the cover of NBA Live 99.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3S7KY)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3S7KZ)
ATLANTA—Promising that fans would get to see all their old favorites in new and exciting situations, TBS announced plans Wednesday to revive classic 1990s baseball team the Atlanta Braves. “By bringing back the beloved Atlanta Braves of the ’90s, we hope to capture the spirit and fun of the original team but with a…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3S7M0)
June 11 marked the 25th anniversary since Jurassic Park was released in theaters, spawning a media franchise that includes four films (with at least two more on the way) and a variety of video games and comics. The Onion looks back at some of the milestones from the dinosaur disaster series’s 25 years.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3S7FV)
ALL OF SPACE AND TIME—Following a U.S. district court ruling that allowed the multinational conglomerate to acquire Time Warner, sources confirmed Wednesday that a rapidly expanding AT&T had proceeded to merge with the entirety of existence. Upon absorbing the totality of things—including Earth, every known…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3S7FW)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3S7FX)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3S7AN)
LOS ANGELES—Touting the upcoming film as a significant visual leap forward from the previous ones in the series, producers of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom told reporters Wednesday that their production includes a more scientifically accurate Jeff Goldblum. “Thanks to advances in cinematic technology and digital…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3S7AP)
In order to comply with the Presidential Records Act, White House staffers have been forced to sort through papers compulsively ripped apart by Trump and taped them back together. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3S767)
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by The Onion on (#3S5XM)
ATLANTA—In response to a U.S. district court judge overturning a Justice Department ruling that had previously blocked an $85 billion merger between telecom giant AT&T and its parent company, Time Warner, CNN reportedly promised Tuesday that the consolidation would have no effect on its ability to maintain a complete…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3S5R2)
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In an effort to emulate the recent success of North Korea, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia announced Tuesday plans to escalate human rights abuses to curry more favor with the United States. “We really need to take bold steps to double the number of unlawful airstrikes on Yemeni civilians while…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3S5HE)
The Electronics Gaming Expo, the premier industry convention known as E3, kicks off today with three days of video game announcements. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3S5DH)
LOS ANGELES—The annual Electronic Entertainment Expo was called off Tuesday after its organizers discovered the immersive power of literature, reportedly realizing that no video game could ever compare to the wonder of opening a work by Leo Tolstoy or Jorge Luis Borges and becoming engrossed in a masterful volume of…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3S5DJ)
LOS ANGELES—Cementing his reputation as an auteurist designer of bleeding-edge video games, Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima took the stage at a press conference during the Electronic Entertainment Expo Tuesday to unveil Death Stranding, a new gaming opus consisting entirely of a two-hour pre-rendered cutscene.…Read more...