by The Onion on (#3VVHQ)
Over 12 years after its original run, David Milch’s critically acclaimed western Deadwood has been greenlit for a series finale movie to air in early 2019. What do you think?Read more...
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2025-11-07 18:18 |
by The Onion on (#3VRHM)
KNOSSOS, CRETE—Expressing dissatisfaction with the repetitive and predictable nature of his fated role, bull-headed humanoid The Minotaur ruminated on the possibility of doing more with his life than caving in the skulls of the heroes and sacrifices who wander into his mazelike lair, labyrinth sources confirmed…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VQDC)
Ride sharing service Lyft may offer a “Zen†mode for riders who do are not in the mood for talking to their driver. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VQA8)
GENEVA—In an effort to prevent people from falling into the same dangerous habits, the sudden and tragic death of the world’s oldest woman, Chiyo Miyako prompted the World Health Organization to issue an official warning Friday against eating fish every day and staying active, the 117-year-old’s most widely known…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VQA9)
COSTA MESA, CA—Excitedly waving his arms from the diving board of his local pool Friday, 10-year-old Bryan Eastman reportedly yelled for his mother Emily, 36, to watch him perform a cannonball while she was attempting to feast her eyes upon a visual banquet of athletic young men nearby. “Mom, Mom, look at me! This is…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VQ6F)
PARIS—Shortly following a transmission sent by the Mars Express spacecraft verifying that its instruments had detected a subglacial lake a mile below the planet’s surface, the European Space Agency confirmed Thursday that the orbiter’s surface-penetrating radar had disturbed the eternal and unspeakable dreaming of an…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VQ6G)
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by The Onion on (#3VQ2C)
MENLO PARK, CA—Berating the increasingly alarmed CEO about the consequences he would face if his company continued to underperform, Facebook investors reportedly reminded Mark Zuckerberg Friday that he can’t fuck with them like he did with the simpering cowards in Congress. “Listen up, you little shit—those dickless…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VQ2D)
MENLO PARK, CA—Following a difficult week that saw the social media company’s shares plummet by nearly 20 percent, a clearly panicking Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference Friday explicitly welcoming those who deny the Armenian genocide to Facebook. “We fully acknowledge that it was a mistake for us to have ever…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VPY9)
Several recent high-profile controversies involving the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency have led to calls for abolishing it entirely, while most lawmakers argue for its importance in dealing with the nation’s immigration issues or urge moderate reforms. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VPYA)
KENILWORTH, NJ—In a move characteristic of the pharmaceutical industry’s traditional price-structuring methods, Merck CEO Kenneth C. Frazier tantalized Americans dependent on prescriptions Friday by announcing a price reduction on life-saving drugs, setting the new prices at the point where they are just out of reach…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VPYB)
Social media giant Facebook plans to launch a low-orbit satellite to offer limited internet services such as weather forecasting and access to Facebook to impoverished parts of the world, although the plan has been criticized for restricting free speech. What do you think?Read more...
by Justin C. Dearborn, CEO of Tronc, Inc. on ClickHol on (#3VPT7)
In today’s increasingly difficult media landscape, there aren’t always easy solutions to the challenges publishers face. Earlier this week, Tronc, the newspaper company I lead, made the tough decision to lay off 50 percent of our editorial employees at the venerable New York Daily News, stripping dozens of talented…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VNEK)
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by The Onion on (#3VNAY)
In a recently leaked audio recording, attorney Michael Cohen speaks to Donald Trump about a payment to buy the silence of former Playboy model Karen McDougal. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3VMZH)
KANSAS CITY, MO—Sadly watching from the dugout as the lone spectator refused to abandon the game, the players of the Kansas City Royals confirmed this week that they were concerned about a fan who stuck out a three-hour rain delay. “I hope he’s okay, I mean, we appreciate the support, but it’s coming down in sheets…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VMZJ)
ABINGTON, PA—Experiencing an urgent need to extend his bloodline, prospective father Mark Griffin said Thursday that he felt pressured to give his mother grandchildren while she was still around to care for them on his behalf. “Sad to say, Mom’s getting older, and if I wait any longer to have kids, she may not be…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VMVC)
CHICAGO—Foot-care brand Dr. Scholl’s unveiled its new Freeze-Away Toe Remover Thursday, an over-the-counter treatment that combines freeze therapy with fast-acting liquid to loosen and ultimately expel unsightly toes. “If you’re finding it painful to put on shoes or simply want to get rid of the gnarled growths at the…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3VMQK)
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by The Onion on (#3VMK5)
Former White House chief advisor Steve Bannon plans to launch a foundation in Brussels called The Movement to spread far-right ideology to Europe. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VK5H)
Facing boycotts and reported frustration over conflicts of interest, First Daughter Ivanka Trump shut down her fashion line, which sells accessories like handbags, perfume, and heels. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3VJPC)
NEW YORK—Sending a message that they would no longer stand for dismissive treatment and inflated payrolls, owners from all four major U.S. professional sports leagues voted Wednesday to unionize. “We the owners have been exploited for too long, and with unionization, we can secure the basic rights we’ve never had as…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VJPD)
IRVING, TX—In the first convenience-oriented change to their fundamental principles since the group’s founding, advocacy nonprofit Mothers Against Drunk Driving released a public service announcement Wednesday clarifying their platform to allow for driving under the influence of alcohol if circumstances would make it…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VJHM)
EAST LANSING, MI—Flushed with embarrassment after uttering the phrase “Have a delicious day!†countless times throughout her Wednesday morning shift at Everything Nice Bakery, cashier Guila Charlton expressed indignation that company policy forced her and her coworkers to incorporate the insipid affirmation into every…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VJD7)
The widespread presence of bots on the internet has driven concerns about their effects on social media, cybersecurity, and public discourse, but internet bots are far from a new phenomenon. The Onion takes a look at the history of bots on the internet.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VJD8)
NEW YORK—Her heart pounding, her hands balling reflexively into fists, and her eyes furtively darting around the room for potential witnesses to her confrontation with her old nemesis, systems analyst and supposedly former pastry enthusiast Katy Gilmartin found herself whispering “Who? Who sent you here?†to the large…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VJ80)
The Papa John’s board of directors adopted a so-called “poison pill†provision aimed to prevent former CEO John Schnatter from gaining more control of the company after he used the N-word on a conference call. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VGHV)
FRESNO, CA—Noting that the constant arrogant comments were starting to irritate the entire 22-ounce canister of dried fruit, sources reported Tuesday that an embittered raisin wouldn’t shut up about how, if only the right opportunity had come along, it could have been wine. “This raisin just goes on and on, telling us…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VGEE)
Facing numerous sexual assault allegations, R&B singer R. Kelly released “I Admit,†a 19-minute song in which he denies accusation of pedophilia and sexual slavery while admitting to other mistakes. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VGEG)
CORNUDAS, TX—In response to growing issues with its population of juvenile detainees, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency reportedly announced on Tuesday the opening of a new supermax detention center to house its most hardened toddlers. “The Hudspeth County Maximum Correctional Facility is designed to…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VGAA)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VG59)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VG5A)
CLEVELAND, OH—Carefully evaluating the effect that displaying the photograph would have on the image of someone his age, 27-year-old systems analyst Martin Lambert disclosed Tuesday that he was unsure if he could pull off keeping a framed picture of his wife on his office desk. “On the one hand, it would absolutely be…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VG5B)
A recent report found that annual death rates from alcohol-related illnesses jumped an average of 10 percent each year in the past decade for people between the ages of 25 and 34. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VG0Z)
GUTHRIE CENTER, IA—Explaining how the matriarch had upstaged the competition with impressive decorations, thoughtful gifts, and delicious cake, area 9-year-old Lucy Astrid confirmed Tuesday that her Nana J. reclaimed the top spot from her Gram Gram following an exceptional birthday outing last week. “Gram Gram was…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3VFW6)
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by The Onion on (#3VE99)
Researchers found that the Bajau people—residents of the Philippines and Malaysia renowned for their free-diving abilities—inherited their breath-holding capacities genetically through enlarged spleens. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VE5D)
SIOUX CITY, IA—Dismayed by the apparent impossibility of finding a nice place to sit for a second without causing a huge commotion, western honey bee HBW/A395-630-G6 reportedly wished Monday that it could hang around its traditional resting place, an open soda can, without people totally freaking out. “Jesus Christ,…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3VDY9)
CHICAGO—Dedicating the track to all those who have blindly supported him over the years, singer R. Kelly released an emotional new song Monday thanking fans for their continued, unwavering acceptance of his sex crimes. “When I’m accused of sexual assault (assault) / Thanks for finding the victims at fault (fault),â€â€¦Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3VDYA)
MT. HOREB, WI—Saying they have “no earthly clue†exactly when it’s okay to enter and exit, all of the drivers currently in the roundabout at Springdale and 8th Street admitted Monday that they’re pretty much “just winging it†whenever they pass through. “Who has the right of way? What does a yield sign really mean? I…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3VDT6)
Timothée Chalamet is in talks to star in a two-part adaptation of Frank Herbert’s classic novel Dune as directed by Denis Villeneuve. What do you think?Read more...