The Onion

MIAMI—Unleashing a furious tirade after finding the roof retracted for the third time this month, Miami Marlins manager Don Mattingly admonished his players Monday for leaving the dome open with the stadium’s air conditioning running. “Come on, guys, this is just wasteful. I’ve told you a hundred times, either leave…Read more...

DENVER—Watching with a mixture of bewilderment and pity as a small group of solitary travelers quietly boarded his plane at 11:15 p.m., United Airlines pilot Terry Elston shuddered Monday while attempting to imagine why his passengers could be taking a red-eye to Atlantic City. “Good lord, I don’t even want to know…Read more...

A senseless tragedy has just occurred that’s going to leave you heartbroken: Goose has died in Top Gun.

COLUMBUS, OH—Observing clear signs of both pre-established friendships and more advanced ceramic-ware knowledge, area woman Shailene McFadden realized Friday that the rest of her pottery class was already acquainted with one another from at least one previous pottery class. “As soon as I walked in, I noticed that most…Read more...

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SACRAMENTO, CA—Discussing specifics of the investigation for the first time, Sacramento law enforcement officials confirmed Friday that after searching for over 40 years, they were able to pinpoint the “Golden State Killer” by tracing the owner of the “IAmTheGoldenStateKiller.com” website. “We caught a hot lead…Read more...

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LONDON—Saying the moniker was the perfect way to honor the caliph of the Islamic State, Prince William and Kate Middleton, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, announced Friday that the name of their third child was Louis Arthur al-Baghdadi. “We’ve always loved the name and felt that this was a beautiful way to pay…Read more...

PYONGYANG—Following a swift capture, arrest, and trial before an official tribunal, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un was thrown into a remote labor camp for attempting to cross the border into South Korea, authorities from the totalitarian nation confirmed Friday. “Kim Jong-un is an enemy of the state and has…Read more...

Bill Cosby has been convicted of drugging and sexually assaulting a former Temple University employee, with the 80-year-old receiving three 10-year charges for the incident. What do you think?Read more...

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SEATTLE—In partnership with local governments across the globe, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation announced Friday a new $17 billion initiative to eradicate all third-world Mac users by 2040. “Impoverished nations have for too long suffered the devastation wrought by Mac users, but we believe that with proper…Read more...

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Fortnite has quickly become one of the most successful games of the past year, but Epic Games’ latest move proves that the company is also committed to providing an incredibly responsible gaming experience: Fortnite’s newest update includes memorial-service cutscenes after every kill so players can learn to value…Read more...

When police arrested a man they believed to be the Golden State Killer yesterday, the world celebrated as one of history’s most brutal and notorious serial killers was finally captured more than 40 years after his reign of terror began. However, it sadly looks like justice will have to wait for another day: the police…Read more...

HADES—With no boatmen to take them across the dark stygian waters to the dry, sunless lands of the dead, millions of newly deceased souls were reportedly backed up on the banks of the River Styx during a transit strike by the Underworld Ferry Workers Union, sources confirmed Friday. “Yeah, I get it—Charon, Phlegyas,…Read more...

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Ride-sharing company Lyft has pledged to fight climate change by investing millions to fund projects offsetting the carbon produced by their drivers. What do you think?Read more...

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A federal judge ruled Tuesday that the protections of DACA must stay in place and that the government must resume accepting new applications, stressing that Trump’s decision to end the program was “virtually unexplained.” What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Taking a moment to reflect on how “the world’s most elitist bread” made its way into his current tirade, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson paused midway through his show Thursday and expressed confusion about why he was currently 20 minutes into an irate rant against croutons. “These overblown, liberal salad…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern over the fallout from several controversial tweets praising the president, Kanye West’s publicist was reportedly worried Thursday that the rapper’s support of Donald Trump would damage his carefully crafted public image as a manic, self-absorbed lunatic. “Christ, we’ve worked so hard to…Read more...

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With 18 previous movies and countless characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, it’s no wonder fans are worried about feeling lost during the newly released Avengers: Infinity War—and there’s no way you’ll understand the movie unless you’re all caught up on the full background nuances of Jesus Christ’s gospel of…Read more...

CHICAGO—Admitting that he was torn over which one would be the best fit for the roster, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace told reporters Thursday that he was wavering between drafting a good player or a bad player. “It’s a real toss-up because on one hand, you have a guy with tremendous instincts and…Read more...

BETHESDA, MD—In an alarming new study that sheds light on the hidden dangers of the popular protein, the National Institutes of Health warned Thursday that beef may serve as a gateway meat that eventually leads those who eat it to try human flesh.Read more...

BOCA RATON, FL—Struggling to deliver the remarks in between violent coughing fits, the nation’s baby boomers held a press conference Thursday to announce that they all have diseases now. “We felt it was important to go on record and affirm that each and every one of us is stricken with an illness now,” said…Read more...

On the heels of the recent $1.3 trillion spending bill passed by Congress, the CBO released a new 10-year forecast showing the national debt ballooning to $29 trillion by the end of the decade. What do you think?Read more...

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Calling all masters of horror! Darkness has fallen in the horrifying woods, and it’s time to swap tales of terror around the campfire in order to make us scream. Ghosts! Goblins! Animals with the legs of a man! Ancient monsters from beyond the farthest reaches space and time! All of the frights in your mind! We want…Read more...

Emmy-winning drama The Handmaid’s Tale returns to Hulu for a second season today, charting a fictional descent into dystopian sexism in the wake of the real-world #MeToo movement and rise of authoritarianism. What do you think?Read more...

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring fans and reporters that his football career was far from over, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady revealed Wednesday that humanity would perish long before he retires. “You can’t take anything for granted in the NFL, but I’m taking care of my body, and I plan to keep playing football…Read more...

CLIFTON, NJ—Revealing that by the time most American mothers notice their sons’ activities it is already too late, a report published Wednesday by SurveyUSA claims that the majority of maternal parents aren’t paying sufficient attention to 80 percent of the cool things the nation’s boys do. “Whether at playgrounds,…Read more...

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RAIFORD, FL—Saying that the disciplinary measure would make the prisoner think twice the next time, Union Correctional Institution warden Roy Connaught said Wednesday he figured a week in solitary confinement ought to teach inmate Ethan Williams not to be schizophrenic. “I reckon a stretch in the hole might show Ethan…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Aghast at what apparently passes for parental supervision these days, theatergoing sources reported Wednesday that, oh, Jesus Christ, someone actually brought their kid to this thing. “Great. Now there’s some…some child making all this noise and running around, and I have no idea when or even if I’m supposed…Read more...

Nabi Tajima has passed away in Araki, Japan at the age of 117. Born on April 4, 1900, she was the last known person to be born in the 19th Century (which technically ended on January 1, 1901). What do you think?Read more...

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Fox News commentator Sean Hannity has been linked to a web of shell companies that used millions in HUD assistance to buy more than 870 homes—a relationship that Hannity never disclosed despite HUD Director Ben Carson’s recent appearance on his show. What do you think?Read more...

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NASHVILLE, TN—Shouting to make themselves heard over the blasting music and the other bellowing drunks, the nation’s 12.6 million intoxicated strangers announced plans to agree definitively and completely with anything one another said, inebriated sources repeatedly confirmed Tuesday. “Fuck yeah, dude, you’re totally…Read more...

The high-profile investigations by Special Counsel Robert Mueller and FBI officials into members of the Trump administration has put federal law enforcement in the spotlight. The Onion presents a guide to how FBI investigations work.Read more...