The Onion

NEW YORK—Lamenting the clear changes in the comedian’s material after an almost yearlong absence from the stage, local Louis C.K. fan Jeremy Draeving was reportedly disappointed at the lack of psychosexual power games in the stand-up’s set at the Comedy Cellar on Sunday. “I’ve always loved how real and honest Louis…Read more...

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A study from the Global Burden of Diseases found that no amount of alcohol is good for you, noting that while moderate drinking may reduce heart disease risk that benefit is offset by increased risk of cancer. What do you think?Read more...

RACINE, WI—Begging consumers to immediately cease endangering the safety of our ecosystem, consumer chemical manufacturer S.C. Johnson & Son recalled every single product from their Raid brand of insecticides Tuesday after realizing the food chain would simply collapse without bugs. “We’re urging customers to…Read more...

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FORT WAYNE, IN—Expressing astonishment at the transformative power of the journey, a button-up shirt reported Tuesday that it had gone on a truly life-changing odyssey around Forest Dry Cleaning’s automated garment conveyor. “I have seen many wonders on my travels around this realm: cashmere wraps that are elegant…Read more...

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BALTIMORE—Admitting that the assemblage of currency was quite impressive, sources confirmed Tuesday that local coin collector Bill Mavrogenes has some pretty fucking nice coins. “Goddamn, he’s got a bunch of old ones that have holes right through the middle of them,” said local resident Wayne Gorman, noting that the…Read more...

English actor Idris Elba put to rest internet rumors of his forthcoming casting this week after telling a reporter that he would not be the next James Bond. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Shedding light on the much-rumored events of the upcoming eighth and final season, a newly released teaser for the wildly popular HBO series of Game Of Thrones that aired Monday centered around the image of a cackling, power-mad George R.R. Martin burning the completed manuscript of Winds Of Winter. “This…Read more...

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BALA CYNWYD, PA—His pent-up frustration and anger at an all-time high following a brutal break, high school bully Blaine Madison said Monday he was ready to unload a summer vacation’s worth of abuse at the start of the school year. “I’ve been building up all this aggression, watching my parents scream at each other…Read more...

Kroger, one of the largest supermarket chains in the U.S., will completely phase out plastic bags by 2025, following the lead of other companies such as Starbucks and Marriott International. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Finding themselves increasingly frustrated after years of fruitless analysis, researchers working with a Harvard-coordinated international multi-university research initiative published a report Monday confirming that, despite spending several years and millions of dollars, they have made negligible…Read more...

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TALLAHASSEE, FL—In the aftermath of three deaths in a Jacksonville incident that represented the state’s 22nd mass shooting in 2018 alone, Florida officials announced Monday that they had passed a strict ban on being unarmed. “It is abundantly clear that something must be done to stop gun violence in Florida, which is…Read more...

NEW YORK—Considering the likelihood of a myriad of theoretical outcomes if the singer had survived his 1980 shooting death, experts reported Monday that John Lennon probably would have eventually died anyway. “If he had enough time and the shooting hadn’t happened, we assume he would have passed away of natural causes…Read more...

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The Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library Foundation is considering offsetting their debt by selling off several items from the 16th president’s personal effects, including one of his iconic stovepipe hats. What do you think?Read more...

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U.S. officials have deported a 95-year-old former Nazi labor camp guard named Jakiw Palij back to Germany for his role in “Operation Reinhard,” the plan to murder two million Jews living in Poland. What do you think?Read more...

Low-carb diets, such as Atkins, are linked to an early death, according to a recent U.S. study, which noted that moderate carb intake is healthier. What do you think?Read more...

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EAGLE BEACH, ARUBA—As part of Barack Obama’s exclusive deal to produce original content for the streaming service, Netflix announced Friday that production has finished on Barack Of Love, a reality series in which 24 young women vie for the heart of the former president.Read more...

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PHOENIX—Saying the breakthrough would change baseball statistics forever, the Society Of American Baseball Research unveiled a new analytics model Friday that measures the precise amount of joy their work sucks from the game. “For years, we’ve wondered exactly how much fun we drain from baseball, but finally, by…Read more...

Escape rooms, where a group works together to free themselves from a room by solving puzzles and riddles, have become an increasingly popular activity among young people. The Onion offers the best strategy tips for winning an escape room.Read more...

KNOXVILLE, TN—In what many experts are hailing as a game changer in the field of renewable energy, scientists from the University of Tennessee unveiled Friday a 10-story-tall, 800,000-ton potato capable of powering an entire city. “Our tests have demonstrated this single potato can generate more than 3.5 gigawatts of…Read more...

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WINCHESTER, MA—Spellbound by his own thoughts as the words “Classroom Essentials” appeared on screen and washed over him in a cold tide of sudden awareness, incoming third-grader Harrison Jacobs was struck Friday by a sudden recognition of his own mortality brought on by another year of back-to-school commercials.…Read more...

WASHINGTON—As part of their ongoing mission to keep their classifications updated with the most recent available findings, the American Psychiatric Association announced Thursday the supplemental addition of “Obsessive Categorization of Mental Conditions” to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual…Read more...

LOS ALAMOS, NM––Granting researchers meaningful insights into the work environment of the top-secret Manhattan Project nuclear program, a set of newly unearthed journals reveal theoretical physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer annoyed his fellow scientists during the Trinity Test by quoting the Bhagavad Gita every time they…Read more...

The Trump administration’s new rules rolling back restrictions on coal emissions admit that they may cause 1,400 more premature deaths per year and will likely increase cases of asthma. What do you think?Read more...

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MISHAWAKA, IN—After thoroughly testing its alcohol metabolization and blood-cleansing properties with a 1.75-liter bottle of Cutty Sark, sales manager Randall Young confirmed Thursday that his new liver could really handle its scotch. “I had no idea how bad my old liver was until I tried this one,” Young said of the…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Growing increasingly annoyed at their clear ignorance of basic social cues, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly irritated Thursday that His guests did not understand it was far past time for them to leave Heaven. “For fuck’s sake, I didn’t say they could stay forever—some of them have been here for…Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA—Addressing the glaringly obvious cultural and linguistic differences that have become apparent in their American classroom, students at Anderson Valley High School admitted Thursday that they were experiencing difficulty understanding Timo Mäkinen, a far more thoroughly educated foreign exchange student…Read more...

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BERKELEY, CA—Eagerly speculating over who will make up the roster of controversial public intellectuals, students at the University of California, Berkeley told reporters Thursday they were excited to see the slate of notable speakers who will be disinvited to campus this year. “Man, I can’t wait to see which…Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Stressing the difficulty of following in the footsteps of an all-time legend, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck vowed Thursday to bring Indianapolis fans another great pizza ad. “It’s been far too long since Colts fans have been able to call a pizza ad campaign their own, but I’m going to do my best to bring…Read more...

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Donald Trump’s former attorney Michael Cohen has reached a plea deal with prosecutors for alleged financial fraud charges, although it is yet unclear whether he will testify in other matters such as the special investigation into the president’s 2016 campaign. What do you think?Read more...

TOPEKA, KS—Deeply inspired by the senior citizen’s refusal to conform to society’s rigid and closed-minded expectations, aspiring felon Matthias Winnow said Wednesday how moved he was that lawyer and lobbyist Paul Manafort, 69, didn’t get his first eight convictions until his late 60s. “Wow. Just wow. I thought my…Read more...

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Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort has been found guilty of eight counts of fraud, which could carry 11 to 14 years of prison time. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that they got the point and were ready to move on to something else, Americans from across the country confirmed Wednesday that it would be fine for Major League Baseball to just start the World Series right now. “Honestly, why not just pick a couple teams and start playing? We’ve been…Read more...