The Onion

GAINESVILLE, FL—Upending the conventional theory that the animals are different species, a study conducted by marine biologists at the University of Florida confirmed Thursday that sharks are just really angry dolphins. “An exhaustive five-year-long field study combined with comprehensive DNA analysis proves that…Read more...

HARRODSBURG, KY—Moments after he mistakenly turned the shower knob in the wrong direction, local man Dennis Rowley confirmed Thursday that sometimes in this life, things have to get worse before they can get better.Read more...

First Lady Melania Trump unveiled her new “Be Best” initiative aimed at improving the wellbeing of U.S. children by tackling opioid abuse, cyber-bullying, and mental health issues. What do you think?Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Leading them to a special, cordoned-off area for customers with only the most discerning tastes, sperm bank manager Timothy Vaughn took a wealthy couple to a secret back freezer Thursday where the real good stuff is stored. “Sir, madame, right this way,” said Vaughn, leading his well-coiffed clients past…Read more...

President Trump announced Tuesday that he plans to withdraw from the Iran nuclear deal, unraveling the Obama administration’s foreign policy achievement and leaving the United States at odds with its allies in dealing with the Iranians. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

BEL AIR, CA—After accidentally glimpsing a manila folder labeled “Alpha Design Grimes” while alone in the home office of her boyfriend, Elon Musk, 30-year-old musician Grimes reportedly stumbled Wednesday upon an $18 billion plan for a cutting-edge, completely reinvented Grimes. “What the hell is ‘a truly…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Insisting that it only played a minor role in helping him break the single-season home run record, Mark McGwire claimed Wednesday that he could have hit 70 home runs even without the help of a bat. “People act like it was the only reason I was able to belt all those home runs, but deep down, I know I could…Read more...

NAZARETH, PA—Sprinting down driveways and cutting through bushes to lock down the situation as quickly as possible, a group of 10-year-old first responders rushed to the stone-path scene of a single-vehicle BMX bike crash Wednesday to check out Tyler’s totally fucked-up leg. “Quick, guys! Call Trevor, get Brian,…Read more...

SEATTLE—Groaning and rolling their eyes as the front office executive methodically stretched different muscle groups, the Mariners’ staff expressed frustration Wednesday at new coworker Ichiro Suzuki’s long warm-up routine before using the office scanner. “It’s ridiculous. He does all these breathing techniques to…Read more...

Sorry, Mr. President, I know you’re a busy man, but if I may, please, I promise to make this quick. For quite some time sir, I’m sure you’re aware, but respectfully, Dr. Trump, mind you, Captain President, sir—and there’s nothing you can do about it, good professor!

Hey, Drumpf (a.k.a. President Donald Trump), don’t get too cozy in the White House, because there is a new website that wants to kill you. It’s called ResistanceHole, and it’s your new worst nightmare.Read more...

Read more...

URBANA, IL—Hailing their creation as a major step forward in the field of food science, researchers at the University of Illinois unveiled an artificial human placenta Wednesday they claim tastes just as delicious as the real thing. “This is a huge day for consumers who want that big, bold placenta flavor but don’t…Read more...

During a recent stand-up set in Phoenix, AZ, actor Ken Jeong used medical training from his earlier career as a physician to help an audience member having a seizure. What do you think?Read more...

HOUSTON—Assessing the perspiration dripping off the players while waiting for the next time-out, the Houston Rockets’ mop guy Kyle Collins could already tell Tuesday that Game 4 against the Utah Jazz was going to be a sweaty one. “We’re only five minutes in, [James] Harden is just drenched, and inside the paint is…Read more...

ISFAHAN, IRAN—In the wake of President Trump’s announcement Tuesday that the United States would pull out of the international agreement to limit the Middle Eastern country’s program, Iranian nuclear scientist Ali Khatami was reportedly annoyed that he would have to return to his shitty old job building nuclear…Read more...

A Centers for Disease Control report found that contagions such as Lyme Disease and Zika have rapidly increased since 2004 with more than 640,000 Americans infected between then and 2016. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Frantically tidying up after last night’s star-studded, Catholic-art-themed fundraiser, staff janitors reportedly rushed to remove Katy Perry from a crucifix hanging on a wall of the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s lobby Tuesday. “Come on, guys, let’s move—somebody find a pry bar so we can get these nails out of…Read more...

FLORENCE, SC—Lamenting his lack of foresight and preparation in choosing to have a full order of barbecued chicken wings without a proper supply of wiping materials, diner Eddie Schubert, 32, sat napkinless at his kitchen table Tuesday, staring in dismay at his grease-covered fingers while realizing he had trapped…Read more...

Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Touting the device’s state-of-the-art ability to incentivize exercise through intimidation, Fitbit released a new tracking collar Tuesday that tightens every second the person wearing it is inactive. “Whether you’re a fitness guru or a first-time runner, this sleek new wearable tech will jumpstart any…Read more...

Read more...

PERRY, GA—Explaining to the residents that the matter was simply out of his control, television host and landlord Sean Hannity informed tenants living in buildings he owns about the deep-state conspiracy that was forcing him to triple their rents, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I’m sorry, folks, but raising your rent is…Read more...

Bitcoin can seem complicated and daunting, but don’t fear. This explanatory infographic can teach the basics of bitcoin to any crypto newbie who wants to learn about this revolutionary digital currency.Read more...

Read more...

Bill Gates has pledged $12 million to develop a universal flu vaccine and potentially help save 30 million individuals at risk from influenza. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—After it was discovered that hundreds of thousands of the state-sanctioned radar systems had short circuited, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a recall of the flu vaccine Friday due to defective government tracking microchips. “In response to reports that devices planted in the serum…Read more...

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK—Shoving one another aside as they rushed to be the first to choose, the crew from Rockson Construction were fervently arguing over who gets to use the fun tools at the work site, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I call jackhammer,” said crew member Bruce Sampson, who attempted to wrestle the piece of…Read more...

FAIRFAX, VA—Saying that he had just the qualifications needed to help guide their organization, the NRA announced Monday that Oliver North would be its new president, touting the retired Lt. Colonel’s expertise at avoiding jail time for colluding with hostile foreign powers. “Oliver North brings a wealth of experience…Read more...

Rudy Giuliani’s recent work as part of Donald Trump’s legal team is utterly disgraceful, and his decision to align himself with a president so deeply steeped in corruption and hateful rhetoric is simply indefensible. But we as a country cannot completely demonize Rudy Giuliani, because even though he might currently…Read more...

While stationed at the Mexico border, U.S. Customs agents discovered an unconscious 3-month-old tiger left inside a black duffel bag dropped by three fleeing smugglers. What do you think?Read more...

MARS—In a desperate attempt to make up for years of aimless planetary wandering, the Curiosity Rover spent most of Monday frantically driving around the Red Planet in order give the impression that it had been busy before the impending arrival of NASA’s InSight Lander. “Aw, fuck, I’m going to be up all night scouring…Read more...

JEFFERSON COUNTY, CO—Expressing confusion as to how their fellow inmate was able to maintain a steady diet of oven-roasted chicken, classic tuna, and cold cut combo sandwiches, prisoners at the Englewood Federal Correctional Institution told reporters Monday that they weren’t sure how Jared Fogle was still eating…Read more...

PENOBSCOT RIVER, ME—Recalling numerous thrill-seeking exploits and fearless endeavors, a north Atlantic salmon confirmed Monday that, having always lived an adventurous life, she couldn’t believe she ended up moving back to her birthplace and having a bunch of kids. “I was carefree and always up for going wherever the…Read more...

VANCOUVER, WA—Cringing at the pitiful attempt to gain attention by trying to appear edgy and shocking, sources confirmed Monday that a stunted 56-year-old is still writing Chuck Palahniuk novels. “It’s one thing to write that shit when you’re still in your 20s, but he’s old enough now that it’s actually kind of…Read more...

EMERYVILLE, CA—Criticizing the Motion Picture Association of America for its lack of transparency in the matter, the producers of Incredibles 2 today divulged that they were forced to cut a grisly cannibalism scene in order to secure the film’s PG rating. “Honestly, I don’t see what they find so offensive about this…Read more...

If you were planning to cook up some chicken for dinner tonight, you might want to double-check the package after this startling announcement from one of the world’s largest chicken suppliers: Perdue Farms is recalling 50,000 chicken breasts after they left the factory without getting a little kiss goodbye.Read more...

A Reuter/Ipsos poll found support for Democrats dropping by 9 percent to 46 percent among millennials, although this remains far above the 28 percent of millennials who support Republicans. What do you think?Read more...

MIAMI—Affirming his commitment to field the best possible lineup, Miami Marlins owner and CEO Derek Jeter denied tanking allegations this week after the team fielded just four players in a loss to the Phillies. “I know people aren’t happy with our performance, but just because we didn’t have a shortstop, second…Read more...

Sometimes a prank goes on for so long that it straight-up gets sad, and this one is a prime example: Somehow, after a year-plus of gaslighting this dude a cartoonish amount, Timotheé Chalamet still has no idea that his fame is a big joke everyone’s playing on him because we all think he’s a massive jackass and wanted…Read more...

Read more...

After the president’s withdrawal from the climate pact, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg pledged $4.5 million to meet America’s commitment to the Paris accord. What do you think?Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to pay tribute to the influential pop star’s legacy, the U.S. Postal Service unveiled a new line of commemorative Prince-inspired postal workers Friday. “Our latest series of limited-edition postal workers highlights all of Prince’s legendary career, from his smoldering white-ruffled blouse…Read more...

Read more...

LOS ANGELES—According to terrified witnesses, the whole boardroom of Capstone Marketing Insights began to quake violently Friday as CEO Matt Petersen’s eyes turned an inky black and his voice dropped an octave while announcing a new, video-centered vision for the company. Calling it a “necessary pivot” and “an…Read more...

CARTERET, NJ—Saying the longtime warehouse associate blatantly disregarded company protocol regarding permitted inhalation, Amazon spokespeople confirmed the firing of one Thomas Gilman for taking an unauthorized breath during an overnight shift Friday. “We run a tight ship at this [Amazon] fulfillment center, and we…Read more...

Stephen Hawking’s final paper “A Smooth Exit From Eternal Inflation?” was recently published in the Journal of High Energy Physics, detailing the nature of the cosmos and the immediate consequence of the big bang. What do you think?Read more...

CINCINNATI—Admitting they were unable to confirm their product had not been contaminated, supermarket chain Kroger recalled 35,000 pounds of ground beef Thursday that may contain traces of its chief executive officer. “As some consumers have noticed particles of our chief executive officer Rodney McMullen in the meat,…Read more...

In a TMZ interview with the controversial rapper, Kanye West revealed that he believes slavery was a choice, telling his interviewer, “when you hear about slavery for 400 years...for 400 years? That sounds like a choice.” What do you think?Read more...