The Onion

LEANDER, TX—Following delivery of the sealed, handwritten letters to every member of the cast, it reportedly remained unclear Thursday why stagehand Kirk Weiland had composed heartfelt little notes to all the actors who appeared in the Leander Playhouse’s staging of The Sound Of Music. “I think I was introduced to him…Read more...

IRVINE, CA—Realizing his entire presentation deck consisted of little more than the proposed tagline “Twice The Crunch And Twice The Munch,” perspiring CornNuts vice president of marketing Jim Ralston was observed Thursday stammering his way through a pitch for a potential new Taco Bell menu item he termed the…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—In a gesture of goodwill intended to show the Papacy’s support for victims, Pope Francis announced Thursday that children who have been sexually abused by Catholic clergy would receive 10 percent off at the Vatican City gift shop. “While we will never be able to completely undo the damage that was done,…Read more...

OKLAHOMA CITY—Expressing outrage at the obnoxious programming he’d be forced to sit through for the next several hours, local dog Tuffy reportedly couldn’t believe his owner had left the television tuned to fucking MSNBC Thursday to keep him company while she was working. “Jesus Christ, how does she expect me to watch…Read more...

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to the Supreme Court to hear oral arguments for the first time since her lung cancer surgery in late December. What do you think?Read more...

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Championing Medicare-for-all and a $15 minimum wage, Bernie Sanders announced a 2020 bid for president that will see him joining an increasingly crowded and progressive Democratic primary. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the more than 450,000 Americans annually who have ideations of taking their male sibling’s life, experts from the American Psychological Association strongly recommended Wednesday calling the Fratricide Prevention Hotline to anyone who might be contemplating killing their brother. “If…Read more...

EDMONTON, ALBERTA—Promising that they were tirelessly working to resolve issues with the long-anticipated blockbuster Anthem, developers at BioWare assured players this week that the whiteboard in their office that reads “Jetpack+Guns?” would be a fully functional and fleshed-out game by Friday. “We know the thousands…Read more...

After a decade without releasing a new flavor, Coca-Cola will launch an orange vanilla variety in stores this month, calling it “reminiscent of the creamy orange popsicles we grew up loving, but in a classically Coke way.” What do you think?Read more...

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Promising one lucky melon fan the chance to change their life forever, Dole revealed Wednesday that one cantaloupe currently for sale in the continental United States contains a check for $10 million. “What’s the only thing better than the sweet, delicious taste of a Dole cantaloupe? One that’s…Read more...

COLUMBUS—Upon hearing his friends describing their struggles with the mental illness, self-employed graphic designer Jacob Carden, 42, evidently became competitive Wednesday about how depressed he is by rattling off a list of important life and career events the disorder has ruined for him or caused him to miss…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—In an attempt to repair the dozens of suspicious openings he had found drilled through the church’s thick marble walls, Pope Francis reportedly spent most of Wednesday using spackle and a putty knife to patch up all the glory holes in St. Peter’s Basilica. “I knew there would be some in the confessionals,…Read more...

The Academy Awards inspire debate every year about whether certain films, directors, and actors were recognized over more deserving ones, and over time, some of those overlooked movies and performances have come to seem particularly egregious. The Onion looks back at the biggest Oscars snubs in history.Read more...

NEW YORK—In a sternly worded reminder of baseline subway etiquette, the New York City Metropolitan Transit Authority released a statement Wednesday instructing riders not to take disabled passengers for their personal use. “Transit personnel have seen a significant increase in train, bus, and ferry passengers taking…Read more...

Using personal funds, President Trump installed a $50,000 room-sized golf simulator in the White House as an upgrade of the version used by President Obama, allowing him to play virtual rounds at courses across the globe. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Saying the scene lacked any true imaginative impulse or sense of playfulness, late fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld was reportedly aghast Tuesday at the sight of the uninspired, garish tunnel of light moving slowly toward him. “Oh no, that light is far too predictable—that’s not going to work,” said the…Read more...

NEW YORK—Insisting that he could easily lure several free agents into giving up their hopes for a championship, Knicks president Steve Mills confirmed Tuesday that he was confident the team had the requisite cap space to ruin two or three promising careers this offseason. “After making moves at the trade deadline to…Read more...

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DENVER—Appearing inexplicably mesmerized by the unremarkable scenery below, Delta flight 2127 passenger Richard Hart, 38, was glued to the window of the Airbus A321 “like it was fucking 1956,” travellers confirmed Tuesday. “Jesus, this guy is staring out that window as if the miracle of aviation was bestowed upon…Read more...

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COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting the couple’s dull conversation and bored expressions while dining at the otherwise enchanting Pepper Tree Restaurant, bystanders marked all the telltale signs of a terrible first date Tuesday as Crystal and Jacob Rubens celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary at a quiet, candlelit table.…Read more...

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Warner Bros. has brought back Aquaman’s writer to draft a sequel to the original film, which made $1.1 billion globally at the box office despite a negative reaction from critics. What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—Regaling her sister’s sons with previously untold stories from adolescence, local aunt Sherri Neely scored big Monday with her nephews Bobby and Ben Cecil by dropping the bombshell story about their mother smoking weed as a teenager. “You should have seen their faces when I told them about me and Marci getting…Read more...

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The U.K. passed a bill outlawing “upskirting,” giving a maximum of two years to offenders who take photographs beneath a person’s clothes without permission. What do you think?Read more...

LANCASTER, PA—Awestruck by the sight of their longtime colleague struggling out of his jacket and adjusting his cuffs, coworkers found themselves agog Monday as data analyst Drew Terrell introduced a new shirt into his wardrobe rotation. “Oh, my God, he got a new shirt,” said Terrell’s cubicle neighbor Kelly Brennan,…Read more...

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A recent study found that women’s brains tend to appear to be about three years younger than those of men at the same age, a difference scientists suggest could give them an advantage in maintaining cognitive acuity as they get older. What do you think?Read more...

After dozens of polar bears flooded into the Novaya Zemlya archipelago, local authorities have declared a state of emergency. Environmental experts in the region have arrived to sedate and remove the population. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Warning that swift climate action was needed if local populations were to survive, a study released Friday by the EPA revealed an alarming trend of Major League Baseball pitchers and catchers reporting further south for spring training every year. “It wasn’t long ago that pitchers and catchers could be…Read more...

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BEIJING—Lamenting the country’s widening political divide, local man Lei Chen admitted to feeling worried Friday that you couldn’t even have a respectful debate about how amazing the government is anymore. “We’ve become so polarized between people who believe we’re the best country in the world and people who believe…Read more...

An increasing number of people advocate being open about salaries as a way to fix pay iniquities and encourage employees to ask for more compensation, but there are many cultural and professional taboos around the practice. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of salary transparency.

WASHINGTON—Speaking out against his former employer while testifying before Congress, terminally ill snack-food mascot Chester Cheetah apologized through tumor-riddled lips Friday for his role in marketing dangerously cheesy Cheetos to children. “I’m ashamed to have been a part of this campaign,” said Cheetah, who…Read more...

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YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—In an effort to make one of the country’s most celebrated natural wonders more accessible to the public, Department of the Interior officials announced Friday that Yosemite National Park would expand its lodging options by constructing dozens of new log cabin high-rises. “There’s really no better…Read more...

Today, millions of Americans will celebrate romance with chocolates, flowers, and other offerings of love. How will you celebrate Valentine’s Day?Read more...

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HARTFORD, CT—Wishing he could return to browsing golf instructional videos in peace, local resident Brian O’Connell reportedly expressed irritation Thursday that an annoying YouTube algorithm was not letting him forget the single time he watched 14 straight hours of Hitler speeches. “It’s so aggravating, I mean, all I…Read more...

COEUR D’ALENE, ID—In an effort to reach out to members of the community often forgotten on Valentine’s Day, local Meals on Wheels volunteers reportedly delivered hundreds of packages containing body chocolate, edible underwear, and other erotic treats to elderly shut-ins Thursday. “We’re making sure older folks who…Read more...

Joaquín Guzmán Loera, the Mexican drug kingpin known as El Chapo, received a life sentence for criminal enterprises including decades of drug trafficking, bribery, and murder. What do you think?Read more...

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BRISTOL, ENGLAND—Dropping his spray paint in annoyance and grabbing a length of extension cord, the anonymous street artist Banksy methodically killed another few kids Thursday after they stumbled upon him painting the side of a building. “Aw, Christ, not again,” said the famed muralist, who casually wrapped the cord…Read more...

CANCUN, MEXICO—Insisting none of the myriad souvenirs before him could possibly capture the all-inclusive resort’s fantastic buffet, local man Robert Washburn told reporters Wednesday he feared his Cancun vacation was far too complex to be conveyed through a single keychain. “Yes, of course, it’s true that I ‘heart’…Read more...