The Onion

NEWPORT, RI—Regretting that he never got a chance to sample even a single imperial stout during his years abusing alcohol, recovering alcoholic Scott Rimer expressed bitterness Monday that he had the misfortune to reach the lowest point of his life before the craft beer boom. “Goddammit. I can’t believe I hopelessly…Read more...

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President Trump’s former campaign chairman Paul Manafort was sentenced to under four years in prison on Thursday after being convicted of tax and bank fraud. What do you think?Read more...

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American astronauts Anne McClain and Christina Koch from NASA will take part in the first all-female spacewalk at the International Space Station at the end of March, agency sources report. What do you think?Read more...

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IDAHO FALLS, ID—In an offer commemorating the legendary spring 2018 growing season, Wada Potato Farms released a limited edition of russet potatoes Friday, all of which will be accompanied by exclusive certificates of authenticity. “We’ve listened to our fan’s complaints about all the counterfeit potatoes on the…Read more...

Nearly a year after sexual assault and harassment allegations surfaced, Mario Batali has exited his restaurant groups and sold all shares in the Italian market Eataly. What do you think?Read more...

AGOURA HILLS, CA—Following an explosive report into allegedly abusive conduct, sources confirmed Colton Underwood, star of the current season of The Bachelor, was accused Thursday of leveraging his power as a reality television personality to lure and entrap 30 women in a California mansion. “Mr. Underwood convinced…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Wishing he could just curl up under his blanket and die, infant Liam Henderson reportedly felt foolish Thursday after realizing a stranger he had responded to on the subway was actually waving at the toddler sitting one seat over. “Oh my God, I was smiling and babbling at him the whole time—I’m such an…Read more...

ROCHESTER, MN—In a development that could provide valuable insight into the study of hypochondria, scientists at the Mayo Clinic introduced a strain of genetically engineered lab rats Thursday predisposed to think anything wrong with them might be cancer. “Thanks to new cutting-edge technology, we have produced a…Read more...

MOOSE LAKE, MN—Filled with dread at the thought of the upcoming relationship milestone, Erika Moreau, 30, told reporters Thursday she is nervous for dinner this evening, when her boyfriend will finally meet the person she turns into around her parents. “I just don’t know how he’s going to react—she’s a lot to take,…Read more...

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SOUTH BEND, IN—In a blatant violation of official NCAA guidelines prohibiting spiritual gifts, sources confirmed Thursday that a Notre Dame booster was caught offering prospective student athletes plenary indulgences. “It’s totally immoral to lure players with the promise of eternal salvation; Notre Dame should be…Read more...

For the second time since the epidemic began, a patient with HIV has been cured through a bone marrow transplant, a breakthrough suggesting that eliminating the virus that causes AIDS may be possible. What do you think?Read more...

PROVIDENCE, RI—In a groundbreaking discovery they say will provide new insights into the complex functioning of the neural system, scientists at Brown University announced Thursday that, through the use of magnetic resonance imaging, they have successfully identified the part of the brain all your hair grows out of.…Read more...

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In a potential rebuke to executive overreach likely to face a presidential veto, the Senate will likely vote to overturn President Trump’s decision to declare an emergency in order to appropriate funds for a border wall. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Scoring an inside scoop on the new celebrity couple, the tabloid website TMZ revealed Wednesday that Pete Davidson and Kate Beckinsale’s relationship is no more than a public-relations ploy orchestrated to raise the profile of the New York Rangers. “We’re in seventh place, the season’s winding down, and we…Read more...

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that the timing of the allegations appeared to be “a little too perfect,” a lawyer representing Michael Jackson’s estate questioned Wednesday why those accusing the late pop icon of child sexual abuse had only come forward steadily since the early 1990s. “It seems awfully convenient that all…Read more...

MIAMI—Struggling to adjust to the controls and interfaces of the unfamiliar vehicle, business traveler Sam Mancini confirmed Wednesday that he had spent the initial 20 minutes in his rented 2018 Mazda 3 attempting to locate the automobile’s steering wheel. “I don’t—okay, hold on. Is this the type you flip up or…Read more...

CARLSTADT, NJ—Design house sources confirmed Wednesday that Miriam Morley, a 23-year-old intern at the Pantone color-matching and reproduction systems corporation, became utterly starstruck after meeting Holly Day-Jenkins, the designer behind Sand Dollar 13-1106. “I mean, I always knew there was a possibility she…Read more...

DANBURY, CT—Transported with dark joy to be finally engaging in a long-anticipated series of evil and chaotic deeds after fighting his way into the land of the living, the demonic spirit Amaymon, Prince of the Infernal Realm and Ninth Gatekeeper of the Underworld, clawed his way free from his eternal imprisonment in…Read more...

A report from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine found that a yearly investment of $90 billion could cut the child poverty rate in half while adding hundreds of billions to the economy. What do you think?Read more...

Sony officially announced that it was ending production of the PlayStation Vita, although games are still under production for the 8-year-old handheld console. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Arguing that the streaming service has severely hamstrung the ability of directors to create saccharine, artistically meritless garbage, Steven Spielberg criticized Netflix Tuesday for ruining the golden age of pandering big-budget films produced by media conglomerates. “We were living in a wonderful era…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—In an effort to create the illusion that the horrific decapitation was deliberate, Game Of Thrones producers were frantically re-shooting the series finale Tuesday to make Peter Dinklage’s death seem intentional. “Christ, okay, shit, maybe we can get some B-roll footage to establish a visual explanation…Read more...

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JACKSONVILLE, FL—Realizing that the black-and-white family photo on his bedside table seems like a scene from someone else’s life, puzzled divorcé David Reed admitted Tuesday that he didn’t even recognize the smiling, happy people in the picture that came with the frame. “My God, it’s like I don’t even know who these…Read more...

SARASOTA, FL—Nervously watching as the suspicious man cheered on the team, the Baltimore Orioles told reporters Tuesday that they were creeped out by a fan who actually followed the ballclub to spring training. “This weirdo in an Orioles jacket has been hanging out around the facilities all week. Did this guy…Read more...

BLUE BELL, PA—Saying it would be nice for her cat Joplin to have some company during the day, realtor Christie Marie Wolfe, 34, adopted a second cat Tuesday for Joplin to terrorize while she is at work. “I hate to leave the poor guy alone all day, so I figured it’d be nice for him to have a companion cat to stalk…Read more...

U.S. wealth inequality is at its worst point since the 1920s, a new study found, although some experts suggest this change is largely temporary and dependent on a current stock market bubble. What do you think?Read more...

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THE HEAVENS—Attempting to do His part in holding abusers accountable amid the rise of the #MeToo movement, God, our heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He would supervise the purging of millions of souls from Heaven now that sexual assault was being taken far more seriously. “I had definitely heard many rumors,…Read more...

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Many 2020 Democratic frontrunners—including Cory Booker, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Kirsten Gillibrand, and Kamala Harris—have supported the Marijuana Justice Act, which seeks to make pot legal at the federal level, signaling a strong majority among Democrats for decriminalizing the substance. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Decrying the label as “shamelessly sexist,” media watchdog Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting issued a statement Monday condemning the American press for only referring to Alabama-born jihadist Hoda Muthana as “bride of ISIS soldier.” “Ms. Muthana is an accomplished ISIS member in her own right, having joined…Read more...

HAVERHILL, MA—Expressing happiness that their matriarch had finally “gotten into the swing of things,” the family of grandmother Ellen Haan confirmed Monday that the 87-year-old had really started to get the hang of dying in recent weeks. “Nana’s just recently come to grips with this whole diminishing-into-nothingness…Read more...

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Terrified that their greatest fear has become a disgusting reality, new parents Melanie and Abe Bloom confirmed Monday that their newborn son Levi is, in fact, the type of baby who shits. “We had hoped that Levi would have a recessive shitting gene, and when that turned out not to be the case, we…Read more...

In a move that has split members between traditionalist and progressive factions, the United Methodist Church worldwide conference voted this week to ban gay and lesbian clerics and the officiating of same-sex marriages, saying such inclusions defy the word of God. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—Restroom attendee Sean O’Donnell recoiled internally Monday while regarding the painted-over portion of the PATH train bathroom wall where he could only assume some truly egregious and revolting graffiti had been written. “Stuff like, ‘Kimmy S sucked my cock’ and ‘Die all cops’ is still plainly…Read more...

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Weeks away from a general election, Israel’s attorney general announced that it intends to indict Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on charges of bribery, fraud, and breach of trust, potentially jeopardizing his fourth term. What do you think?Read more...