by Ryan Shattuck on (#3EP9Z)
On Wednesday, stargazers will see a rare triple lineup that includes a blue moon, a supermoon, and a total lunar eclipse, an occurrence that will not happen again until 2037. What do you think?Read more...
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2024-11-27 07:30 |
by Ryan Shattuck on Politics, shared by Ryan Shattuck on (#3EP5T)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Politics, shared by Ryan Shattuck on (#3EP1E)
WASHINGTON—Saying the outing was a well-deserved treat for laboring on President Trump’s upcoming State of the Union address, senior policy advisor Stephen Miller reportedly rewarded himself Tuesday with a trip to see all the children at a local ICE detention center. “I’ve been putting in some pretty long hours, so…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3ENMW)
The DREAM Act, which would provide permanent residency to immigrants brought into the country as children who fulfill certain requirements, has been controversial since its introduction in 2001 and remains one of the focal points of the immigration debate. The Onion outlines the myths and facts surrounding the DREAM…Read more...
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by By Mitch Getchell on (#3ENJ3)
It often amazes people when they hear how long my wife and I have been happily wed. These days, with so many young people getting divorced, it just doesn’t seem possible to them. When friends ask how we’ve managed to stay together, I always tell them the same thing: The secret to our 65-year marriage has been trust,…Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3ENA8)
BOSTON—Growing more agitated the harder he tried coming up with a suggestion, mathematician William Haley reportedly became flustered Tuesday after he was unable to recommend a good number. “Ah, shit, give me a second, I’m totally blanking on a numeral right now,†said an overwhelmed Haley, adding that while there…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3EN7M)
FREMONT, CA—Stressing that they should only say it once they feel comfortable, local stepmom Allison Pratt told reporters Tuesday that she doesn’t expect her stepchildren to call her a stupid bitch right away. “They were already teenagers when I came into their lives, so I understand if it takes a while before they…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3EMZZ)
A mining company in Lesotho has discovered a 910-carat diamond in the country’s mountainous region, one of the largest of its kind ever found with an estimated $40 million price tag. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Sports, shared by Ryan Shattuck t on (#3EKJD)
CLEVELAND—Stressing the importance of showing consideration for every stockholder, Cleveland Indians owner Paul Dolan admitted Monday that mascot Chief Wahoo is no longer compatible with modern revenue growth expectations. “Although he has been the franchise symbol for decades, we decided it’s best to remove Chief…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3EKEF)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3EK66)
Swedish entrepreneur and Ikea founder Ingvar Kampgrad died at 91 after a brief illness. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3EJY6)
DALLAS—Confirming that the woman he has been dating since last year is “the whole package,†local man Tim Gurtz told reporters Monday his absolutely perfect girlfriend, Sasha Klein, blames herself for everything. “We get along so well we hardly ever fight, but when we do, she immediately backs down, says it’s all her…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3EJY7)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3EJJV)
BALTIMORE—In a groundbreaking procedure that experts say may change the future of medicine, doctors at Johns Hopkins Hospital announced on Monday that they had performed the first successful surgery on a broken thumb. “Just five years ago, we never would have dreamed it possible to repair a fracture in the small bones…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3EJA8)
A new comprehensive survey has found that e-cigarettes likely increase the risk of smoking regular tobacco products in children, but also can aid adult smokers in weaning themselves from addiction. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Sports, shared by Ryan Shattuck t on (#3EH6M)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3ECKJ)
The federal government is gathering information on an accident in which a Tesla Model S plowed into a fire truck at 65 mph while using autopilot. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3ECEQ)
SPRINGFIELD, IL—Acknowledging that she had self-centeredly done almost all of the talking, area woman Rebecca Walsh apologized to her therapist Friday for monopolizing their conversation. “Sorry—God, I’m not even letting you get a word in edgewise—but I just thought of something really hurtful my mom said to me when I…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3ECCX)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3EC1K)
LOS ANGELES—Making the discovery while searching his attic for a pair of rarely worn snow pants, actor Brad Pitt on Friday reportedly stumbled across an old cardboard box containing the severed head of Gwyneth Paltrow. “Oh man, I totally forgot about this up here! Right after we broke up I never wanted to see it…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3EBZ1)
NEW YORK—Offering young acne sufferers the means to clear up their skin in nonjudgmental privacy, a new AcneFree treatment unveiled Friday will ship teens to a remote island colony for the remainder of puberty. “We’re excited to provide pimpled teenagers with the opportunity to spend their adolescence ridding…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3EBNJ)
After accidentally swiping left rather than right, a Missouri State freshman emailed every student on campus with the name Claudia in an effort to connect with her using the only information he knew. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3E9H4)
Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth announced this week that she is pregnant with her second child, which will make her the first serving U.S. Senator to give birth while in office. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3E9EF)
NULLARBOR PLAIN, AUSTRALIA—Having completed the ritualistic journey from inexperienced trainees to enlightened servers, hostesses, and line cooks, employees at Outback Steakhouse reportedly returned from their mandatory six-month walkabout in the Australian wilderness Thursday. “This rite of passage, in which…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3E978)
LENEXA, KS—Saying she considered it his best work yet, local mom Arianne Caluso told her son Jack on Thursday that she has been getting pretty into the new Tyler, The Creator album. “Oh, Jack, honey, I’ve been listening to Flower Boy almost nonstop for the past few days—it’s just fabulous!†said Caluso, 54, of the…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3E93S)
SEATTLE—Suddenly snapping back to attention, a dazed Jeff Bezos reportedly realized Thursday that he had spent an entire conversation thinking about how to automate the person talking to him. “Sorry, could you repeat that? I just lost focus for a second [as I indifferently watched you open and close your mouth,…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3E913)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3E914)
ATLANTA—Urging Americans to help prevent the overall yucky feeling from continuing to spread unchecked, the CDC issued a warning Thursday of a full-blown epidemic of the blahs. “We urge you to seek medical attention the second you start to experience ickiness or feel sorta meh,†said CDC director Brenda Fitzgerald,…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3E8T8)
EL SEGUNDO, CA—After receiving hundreds of injury reports from parents across the nation, American Girl announced Thursday that it has decided to recall 50,000 dolls with chainsaws for hands. “Due to a factory error at our plants, thousands of our signature ‘Maryellen’ dolls were accidentally sent out with small…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3E8PX)
Over the last decade, private companies like Virgin Galactic and SpaceX have begun to challenge government-run programs conducting space exploration and investigating the possibility of establishing life on other planets. The Onion outlines the pros and cons of privatized space travel.Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3E876)
Vermont Governor Phil Scott has made history by signing marijuana legalization into law, making it the first state to do so by legislation. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3E6FT)
Guillermo Del Toro’s supernatural romance The Shape of Water has received 13 Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, placing it ahead of war drama Dunkirk and dark comedy Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3E66H)
HERNANDO, MS—Saying it was outrageously unfair that the film wasn’t up for any awards, area man Lawrence Kent said Wednesday that he thinks the movie he saw should have been nominated for an Oscar. “That secret agent movie I saw should definitely have been nominated,†Kent said indignantly of Kingsman: The Golden…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3E640)
LOS ANGELES—Shedding new light on the tragic ending to his critically acclaimed portrait of the animal activist, filmmaker Werner Herzog told reporters Wednesday that he killed and ate Timothy Treadwell in 2003. “I should finally say that during the filming of my documentary Grizzly Man, I mauled Timothy Treadwell to…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3E5JN)
GOODYEAR, AZ—Acknowledging that the resemblance was quite striking, local grandmother Dorothy Hanson told reporters Wednesday that her newborn grandchild Dylan definitely has his father Jack’s asshole. “Oh my goodness, you certainly are the spitting image of your daddy,†said Hanson while changing the baby’s diaper,…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3E5CD)
Wonder Woman 2 will be the first movie to implement new Producer’s Guide of America recommendations for combating sexual harassment, which include having an advocate constantly on set ready to hear any claims or concerns. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3E540)
WASHINGTON—Saying the long-overdue gesture was a step towards atoning for the space agency’s past transgressions, NASA issued a formal apology Wednesday for the 1969 genocide of the moon’s native population. “The time has come to recognize NASA’s detestable role in the massacre of the moon’s original inhabitants,â€â€¦Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3E3H9)
Democrats in the Senate have voted to end a three-day budget shutdown after receiving assurances from Republican leaders that they will soon tackle a bill to keep immigrant “Dreamers†in the country. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3E3HA)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Entertainment, shared by Ryan Sha on (#3E2XD)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3E2G5)
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by By Bashar al-Assad on (#3E2D7)
You know, it can be difficult to remain true to your deepest convictions and live life on your own terms. But I think we can all agree, it’s always better to be yourself and follow your dreams rather than end up with a lifetime of regret for all the things you didn’t do. It’s easy to lose sight of what’s really…Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3E29E)
SELIGMAN, AZ—In an attempt to console the family of the deceased, Mountain View Hospice nurse Sam Bakshi—who watched his patient wither away for half a year in unrelenting torment—told relatives of the late Dennis Ridges on Tuesday that the man had died peacefully in his sleep. “I know this is a difficult time, but I…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3E264)
The World Economic Forum, held every year in Davos, Switzerland, brings together hundreds of the planet’s most powerful political leaders, economists, and thinkers to discuss pressing world issues. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the WEF’s 47-year history.Read more...