The Onion

GLENCOE, IL—Acknowledging that the decision was distressing but ultimately the correct course of action, Chicago Botanic Garden officials confirmed Friday that they were forced to euthanize a rose bush after it pricked a child. “This morning, we made the difficult choice to end the life of our 15-year-old rose bush…Read more...

British researchers have shown that targeting protein N-myristoyltransferase could be effective and safe in eliminating the common cold in human cells, saying they will move onto animal trials next. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Explaining that downsizing was an unfortunate necessity in the challenging media landscape, FiveThirtyEight announced Friday that they would be laying off dozens of the site’s top algorithms. “While these data programs have provided readers with countless insights into sports and politics over the past few…Read more...

ANKENY, IA—Saying it didn’t take a trained professional to spot the woman’s serious hygiene issue, area dentist Robert Cowan confirmed Friday that he could tell his patient hasn’t been brushing her hair. “Most people at least try to brush right before their appointment, but this lady clearly hasn’t bothered to clean…Read more...

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Stephen King—long known for his disdain of Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of The Shining—reportedly criticizes the director in his new novel, The Outsiders, with a character watching the film Paths of Glory and noting it is “at least better than The Shining.” What do you think?Read more...

PHOENIX—Remarking that he wished to one day care so much about another person, Immigrations and Customs Enforcement agent Matthew Howe decided Thursday that he wants to have kids of his own after seeing the love and devotion of the immigrant parents begging him not to take their child. “I always said kids weren’t for…Read more...

DESERT GULCH, AZ—Saying the incident had led him to fully reconsider his past behavior, town drunk Gus McCord told reporters Thursday that a bender culminating in him kissing a mule in a wedding dress right on the lips had served as a major wake-up call. “Heck, I reckon there’s no bigger eye-opener than lifting the…Read more...

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Taking time out of their busy schedules to discuss matters of mutual importance, President Donald Trump and reality star Kim Kardashian convened in the Oval Office yesterday to let each other know that they’ve been on TV. After greeting one another with a prolonged series of bows to convey respect, the high profile…Read more...

U.S. Air Force airmen at a base that guards nuclear missiles have been linked to a drug ring that uses LSD as well as ecstasy, cocaine, and marijuana. What do you think?Read more...

CONSHOHOCKEN, PA—In an effort to meet the specific needs of even its most reprehensible customers, David’s Bridal introduced a new line of whore-red dresses Thursday for wicked, impure divorcées with the audacity to have a shameful second wedding. “These new gowns are the perfect slut-shade of crimson to make any…Read more...

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After a racist tweet posted by creator Roseanne Barr, ABC has canceled plans for a second season of highly watched sitcom Roseanne. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—Irrevocably changed after attending a mandatory training session on racial bias, the nation’s Starbucks employees reportedly returned to work Wednesday radicalized and united behind a new credo stating that “coffee cultivation merely extends the system of colonial oppression.” “Welcome to Starbucks, you…Read more...

OXFORD, MS—Sensing that their colleague had suddenly moved up in the world, break room sources at Randall Elementary School reported Wednesday that fifth-grade teacher Patricia Adams—who was earlier spotted with a new set of chalk holders—must have come into some money recently. “Damn, looks like Patty’s become…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Finding himself unable to tolerate the continuing stubborn refusal to address the real issues at hand, apartment dweller Jordan Stills has declared himself “sick and tired” Wednesday of hearing his upstairs neighbors skirt around the core conflict of their long-running argument. “Christ! Stop screaming about…Read more...

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The most fascinating people on the planet are right here on ClickHole to answer all your fascinating questions about the most fascinating topics, all in real time. So join the convo on today’s Ask Questions At Me!Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In the wake of the hit sitcom’s sudden cancellation, Roseanne showrunner Bruce Helford expressed disappointment Wednesday that no one would ever see the episode where the title character discovers the truth behind the Seth Rich homicide, cracking the case wide open. “It’s truly a shame that the public will…Read more...

Twenty-two-year-old Malian migrant Mamoudou Gassama—nicknamed “Spider-Man” for courageously scaling an apartment building and rescuing an infant—has been made a French citizen and offered a job by the city fire department. What do you think?Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—In response to the abrupt cancellation of the hit series Roseanne the media watchdog group FactCheck.org blasted ABC Tuesday for its unrealistic portrayal of racists actually facing consequences for their actions. “This just does not represent how things actually work in America,” said spokesperson Rachel…Read more...

ROCK ISLAND, IL—Noting that the ceremony’s esteemed guest of honor sure seemed like a cocky motherfucker, attendees of Augustana College’s graduation Sunday reported that the hotshot commencement speaker just jumped straight into his speech without even defining the word “courage.” “Well, well, well—not even a single…Read more...

Director James Cameron, known for films such as Terminator and Avatar, has warned that climate change will destroy the Great Barrier Reef unless humanity takes immediate action. What do you think?Read more...

DUBLIN—Predicting pregnant women will visit their clinics in droves, physicians in Ireland confirmed Tuesday they were bracing themselves for the wave of fetuses that will be aborted 12 weeks after the festivities held to celebrate the landslide referendum that struck down the nation’s abortion ban. “When late August…Read more...

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Now that the whole story about two innocent black men being arrested in one of its stores is a distant memory, Starbucks has made the baffling decision to waste a huge amount of everyone’s time and attention today by closing down for anti-bias training even though the #Resistance has moved on and we’re mad about other…Read more...

SEATTLE—Responding to news of the digital assistant recording users’ conversations without their knowledge, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos assured critics Tuesday that Alexa’s stored audio can be deleted by simply rappelling into company headquarters, maneuvering through an intricate laser field, and destroying every server…Read more...

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Confirming the long-theorized connection between human nervousness and the attempt to find a better view while in a public space, a study published Tuesday by the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of North Carolina found that human anxiety is highest when sitting in the wrong…Read more...

PRINCETON, NJ—Watching helplessly as his fellow partygoers moved on to a different topic of conversation, local man Greg Southerton reportedly abandoned the group Tuesday and directed the full force of his anecdote towards a single, nearby person. “Speaking of childhood pets, I had this pretty wild thing happen to my…Read more...

The U.S. meat industry produced nearly 100 billion pounds of meat in 2017, a new record, but many criticize the industry’s practices. The Onion breaks down the myths and facts about the U.S. meat industry.

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WESTFORD, MA—Chastising himself for not double-checking everything before he left for the day, Puma researcher Benjamin Harris was reportedly overcome Friday by a nagging feeling that he had left Usain Bolt running at the office. “Goddammit, I don’t want to have to go all the way back there, but it’s really bad for…Read more...

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Pornography is a huge factor in how people perceive sex. Unfortunately, it often depicts sex in faulty and exaggerated ways, and those inaccurate portrayals can affect real relationships in a real ways. Here are five unrealistic expectations that porn creates between horny MILFS and their absolutely hung stepsons.Read more...

NEW YORK—Dismissing past versions as outdated and totally ill-suited for the modern pancake breakfast, HarperCollins announced Friday that the 19th edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette would be updated to include a chapter on how to properly lick maple syrup off of your plate. “Remember, after finishing an order of…Read more...

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OXFORD, ENGLAND—Rewarding their longtime fans for their loyalty, Radiohead has re-released their career-defining 2000 album Kid A with remastered original skits. “After years of workshopping and late nights in the studio, we are proud to announce the release of the new Platinum Edition Kid A with all-new remastered…Read more...

A JetBlue affiliate that offers private jet flights has signed up to buy up to 100 hybrid-electric planes produced by startup Zunum Aero. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Selling out the entire venue and filling the standing room to capacity, thousands of fans flocked to Yankee Stadium Friday to proudly celebrate asshole heritage night. “Today, we honor the contributions and history of the many jackasses who have played for the New York Yankees as well as the pricks who…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Noting the interest generated by the extensive television coverage of Harvey Weinstein’s arraignment on sexual assault charges, Hollywood producer Jeff Moss admitted Friday that he can’t stop thinking about the giant pile of money he could make off a movie about the unfolding scandal. “What Harvey did to…Read more...

President Trump pulled out of a planned June meeting with North Korea in a letter citing “hostility” displayed in a recent statement, apparently alluding to a North Korean official mocking Vice President Mike Pence. What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—Positively salivating at the unsuspecting customer moving in her direction, flight attendant Melissa Holmes reportedly licked her lips Friday as a traveler approached the gate with a large suitcase. “Yeah, that’s right—take that overpacked Samsonite and come to Mama,” said Holmes, rubbing her hands together…Read more...