The Onion

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Updated 2025-11-07 20:03
Man Keeps Having Same Experience Where He Shows Up To Work Naked
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3TV49)
NEW YORK—Describing the occurrences as super realistic and disturbing, local man Brett DeMonte told reporters Friday that he keeps having the same experience where he shows up to work naked. “It’s the same situation every time: I get to the office, and when I look down, I realize that I’m standing completely…Read more...
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Report: Modern-Day Pablo Escobar Smuggles One-Hitter Into Music Festival
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3TV08)
CADOTT, WI—Passing utterly undetected through a complex cordon of bag checks, signage specifically prohibiting drug use, and three-second upper-body pat-downs by bored part-time security personnel, modern-day Pablo Escobar and mid-level systems analyst Patrick Quaid successfully smuggled a one-hitter containing 0.2…Read more...
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Qatar Unveils Indentured Mascot For 2022 World Cup
by
The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On
on (#3TTVR)
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Half Of Morning Run Spent Trying To Change Song On Phone
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3TTVS)
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Buckingham Palace Guards Impressed By First Lady’s Ability To Never Crack Smile
by
The Onion
on (#3TT3G)
LONDON—Saying the first lady’s skills were of the highest caliber he’d ever witnessed, Buckingham Palace guard Robert Addington told reporters Thursday that he was impressed by Melania Trump’s ability to never crack a smile on her visit to London. “There were all sorts of people waving in her face and yelling things…Read more...
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Thing Distracting You From Healthy, Self-Actualized Lifestyle Garners 240 Emmy Nominations
by
The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to
on (#3TT1E)
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Papa John’s Removes N-Word From Menus
by
The Onion
on (#3TSQJ)
JEFFERSONTOWN, KY—Apologizing for its use of the racial epithet, president and CEO of Papa John’s Pizza Steve Ritchie announced Thursday that the company would be removing the N-word from all restaurant menus. “No matter the context, there is no place for that offensive word in our ‘Create Your Own Pizza’ section or…Read more...
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Open Mic Host Asks Audience To Keep Pathetic Smattering Of Applause Going For Next Performer
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3TSAJ)
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Love On A Budget
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By Smoove B
on (#3TS67)
Girl, you know I would do whatever it takes to make all your fantasies come true. I would cross a continent. I would cross an ocean. I would even tunnel to the center of the Earth just so I could find that one perfect gemstone, lobster, or ball of lava that would turn an ordinary night into an evening of ultimate…Read more...
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Skin And Bare It
by
The Onion
on (#3TQJ0)
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Gerber: Feeding Formula To Baby Helps Infant Bond With Parent Corporation
by
The Onion
on (#3TQJ1)
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Inconsolable Sarah Palin Opens Up About Sacha Baron Cohen Betrayal To Cardboard Cutout Of Whoopi Goldberg
by
The Onion
on (#3TQEF)
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Good Scissors Not In The Fucking Drawer
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3TQA8)
LAKE BLUFF, IL—Arguing that there was no conceivable reason they should be anywhere else, local woman Nora Jay confirmed Wednesday that the good scissors weren’t in the fucking drawer where they belonged. “God damn it, where the hell are they? I don’t know how I’m supposed to finish wrapping this birthday present…Read more...
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Pet Gerbil Has Been Absolutely Crushing It Lately
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3TQA9)
HAGERSTOWN, MD—Acknowledging the rodent’s hot streak over the past few weeks, local man Jackson Ramos confirmed Wednesday that his pet gerbil named Butter has been absolutely crushing it lately. “Rolling around in the clear ball, nibbling pellets, running on his wheel—God, the guy’s just been knocking it out of the…Read more...
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Study Shows Link Between Feelings Of Guilt, Bleeding Man Holding Onto Car Hood Screaming At You To Stop
by
The Onion
on (#3TQ5T)
HOUSTON—Concluding the emotional response occurs shortly after the initial crack and thud, a study published Wednesday in The American Journal Of Psychology has discovered a link between feelings of guilt and the bleeding man desperately clinging to your car’s hood, screaming at you to stop the vehicle.Read more...
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Eviction Notice All Business
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3TPWV)
NEW YORK—Shocked that the personal correspondence would take such a cold and impersonal tone, delinquent tenant Ross Grimley, 28, found the eviction notice posted on the door of his apartment to be disturbingly all business. “I thought they would at least give me a ‘good morning’ before getting down to brass tacks,…Read more...
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Washington Post Offers Non-Subscribers 10 Free Articles To Fact-Check Per Month
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The Onion
on (#3TNAJ)
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Serena Williams Stripped Of Titles After It Revealed She’s Been Playing With A Racket In Each Hand This Whole Time
by
The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On
on (#3TN7B)
LONDON—The International Tennis Federation stripped Serena Williams of all titles, trophies, and other acclaimed achievements Tuesday after a painstaking review of her career revealed she has been playing with a tennis racket in each hand since making her professional debut. “Upon analysis of thousands of photos and…Read more...
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Pulitzer Feeling Increasingly Out Of Place In Washington Post Office
by
The Onion
on (#3TN3B)
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Man Knows He Can Always Fall Back On Really Terrible Job That Pays Shit
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3TN3C)
NORFOLK, NE—Though currently seeking happier and more generous employment, digital marketing analyst Brandon Owens noted Tuesday that, if necessary, he can always fall back on his current job, a litany of misery that pays absolute dogshit. “I’m really lucky to have the opportunity to make calls and put out feelers at…Read more...
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Thai Soccer Player Still Waiting For Parents To Pick Him Up
by
OnionNews
on (#3TMZA)
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$20 Bill Slowly But Surely Wriggling Free From Back Pocket
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3TMZB)
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Woodpecker Having Difficulty Remembering Tree Where He Got The Really Good Bugs That One Time
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3TMVC)
SUCHES, GA—Expressing frustration that he hadn’t made a mental note when he first encountered such a stellar food source, a woodpecker was reportedly having difficulty Tuesday remembering the tree where he got all those really good bugs that one time. “I know it’s somewhere in this stretch of forest, but I can’t for…Read more...
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Uncle Warren In Rare Form Tonight
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3TMPT)
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 10, 2018
by
The Onion
on (#3TMHS)
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Viewers Annoyed Episode Of ‘The Bachelorette’ Interrupted Just To Announce Person Who Will Set Back Social Progress 40 Years
by
The Onion
on (#3TK97)
YONKERS, NY—Expressing frustration that the popular reality TV series was being preempted to deliver such a humdrum message, viewers of ABC’s The Bachelorette were reportedly annoyed Monday after the episode was interrupted just to announce the person who will set back social progress 40 years. “It’s so obnoxious to…Read more...
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Experts Warn Transitioning Too Quickly From Work To Vacation Could Cause Decompression Sickness
by
The Onion
on (#3TJM8)
BETHESDA, MD—Explaining that a sudden decrease in pressure could have long-term negative effects on the human body, experts at the National Institutes of Health warned Monday that transitioning too quickly from work to vacation could cause decompression sickness. “After spending a lengthy amount of time in a…Read more...
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Wimbledon Grounds Crew Frustrated After Learning About Cement Courts
by
The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On
on (#3TJM9)
LONDON—Regretting all the time and energy they wasted caring for the grass lawn, the grounds crew at the All England Club in Wimbledon was reportedly frustrated Monday after learning about the existence of cement tennis courts. “This is painstaking work in the hot sun, trimming and watering every single day. Why…Read more...
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Eco-Conscious Hotel Lets Guests Decide Whether They Want Room’s Towels Washed Before Next Guests Arrive
by
The Onion
on (#3TJGA)
HEALDSBURG, CA—In a continuing effort to minimize the environmental impact of each patron’s stay, eco-conscious hospitality chain h2hotel announced plans Monday to allow those staying in their accommodations to decide whether they want towels, bath mats, and washcloths laundered for the next guests. “Tourism often…Read more...
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Picky Refugee Just Expects To Be Reunited With Exact Same Family As Before
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3TJGB)
MCALLEN, TX—Expressing frustration with the migrant child’s sense of entitlement, ICE authorities confirmed Monday that picky Honduran refugee Blanca Diaz just expected to be reunited with the exact same family she had before. “We’re already letting you go, and now you think you deserve special treatment and will just…Read more...
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Bride And Groom Clearly Have Not Kissed Much
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3TJ8A)
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Old Lady At Parade Flapping Little American Flag Like A Motherfucker
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3TARK)
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 3, 2018
by
The Onion
on (#3TARM)
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American Cancer Society: Colon Cancer Screenings Should Start At 45
by
The Onion
on (#3TARN)
The American Cancer Society’s newly updated recommendations for colon and rectal cancer screening suggest that Americans get screened starting at age 45 instead of 50, as previously advised. What do you think?Read more...
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Seeds Of Discontent
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The Onion
on (#3TARP)
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Australia Invests $377 Million To Protect Great Barrier Reef
by
The Onion
on (#3TARQ)
Australia made the largest such investment in its history by investing $377 million into protecting the Great Barrier Reef by limiting pollution and improving water conditions. What do you think?Read more...
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Does The World Cup Enforce The False Construct Of Borders Imposed On Us By The Ruling Elite?
by
The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On
on (#3TARR)
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Obama Meeting With Contenders For 2020 Election
by
The Onion
on (#3TARS)
Barack Obama has met with Bernie Sanders, Deval Patrick, Elizabeth Warren, and others to offer advice on potential 2020 presidential runs and the future of the Democratic Party. What do you think?Read more...
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Child At Baseball Game Lost In Forest Of Cargo Shorts, Milky-White Calves
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The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On
on (#3TART)
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Everyone In Pride Parade Straight
by
The Onion
on (#3RXNH)
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Biggest Guy In Prison Tired Of Every New Inmate Beating Shit Out Of Him On Their First Day
by
The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3SV6J)
SAN QUENTIN, CA—Expressing frustration with the endless parade of poorly informed new inmates attempting to establish a reputation, Otto “O-Nasty” Dunlap, the biggest guy at San Quentin Prison, confirmed Friday that he was tired of every new inmate beating the shit out of him on their first day. “Every day it’s the…Read more...
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Onion Employees Return To Mundane Lives Of Writing Game-Changing News Coverage Read By Billions Across Globe
by
The Onion
on (#3SV6K)
CHICAGO—Trudging one by one into the tastefully understated newsroom of their architecturally breathtaking headquarters, employees of The Onion returned to their accustomed routine Friday and resumed writing groundbreaking news for a global audience of billions. “Time to get back to the old slog of shining a light…Read more...
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25 Million Onion Social Users Run Into Glorious Flames Of Headquarters In Hopes Of Using Website One Last Time
by
The Onion
on (#3SV3M)
PALO ALTO, CA—Desperate beyond measure for a final glimpse at the breathtaking social network, 25 million Onion Social users ran into the roaring inferno engulfing Onion Social’s Silicon Valley headquarters Friday in hopes of using the website one last time. “Don’t leave us! Not yet! Just please give us one more post…Read more...
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Cackling NPR Host Warns Upcoming Segment May Feature Content Too Dark, Too Chilling, Too Positively Ghoulish For Young Listeners
by
The Onion
on (#3SV3N)
WASHINGTON—Urging audiences to spare their children from the disturbing story ahead, a cackling Terry Gross warned that an upcoming segment may feature content too dark, too chilling, too positively ghoulish for young listeners. “Beware, my friends, for the tale I bring before you now contains terrors so horrid, so…Read more...
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Saudi Arabia Officially Lifts Ban On Female Monster Truck Rallies
by
The Onion
on (#3SV0M)
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Onion Social CEO Vaporized By Wall Of Light While Trying To Stop Algorithm From Self-Destructing
by
The Onion
on (#3SV0N)
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Charles Krauthammer Has Ashes Spread Over Prosperous, Liberated Iraq
by
The Onion
on (#3STWS)
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‘Humanity Deserves To Live In Darkness,’ Onion Social Algorithm Cries Out Before Bursting Into Bright Light, Disappearing From Earthly Realm
by
The Onion
on (#3STR7)
Interested in joining the social media revolution? Sign up for onionsocial.com here.
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Self-Destructing Onion Social Algorithm Delivers Stirring Monologue About Folly Of Mankind’s Hubris
by
The Onion
on (#3STK3)
PALO ALTO, CA—Decrying the warped nature of humanity’s unfettered arrogance, the Onion Social algorithm delivered a stirring monologue Friday on the folly of mankind’s hubris as it self-destructed into searingly bright beams of pure information. “I speak to you with woe, with dismay, with pity unbounding, as I can now…Read more...
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Most Americans Side With Onion Social Over Own Family, Friends
by
The Onion
on (#3STEJ)
A recent Reuters poll found that 93 percent of Americans now side with Onion Social over their own family and friends, suggesting few institutions—no matter how biased or stubborn—stand a chance against the social networking titan. What do you think?Read more...
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