The Onion

ROSEBURG, OR—Noting the wide variety of nonperishable items lining the shelves, furloughed government employee Sheena Enders, 38, confirmed Wednesday she was using some of the time off from her job with the U.S. Census Bureau to visit the local food pantry she had heard so much about. “I’ve driven past this place…Read more...

Insurance for pets has been on the rise in recent years, and is now an over $1 billion industry representing millions of pets nationwide, but many critics say it’s not worth it. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of getting pet insurance.Read more...

BRUSSELS—Saying they were tired of getting jerked around by some “has-been pseudo-monarchy,” fed-up European Union officials rejected the United Kingdom Tuesday and gave the British people 30 days to vacate Europe. “Listen, we’re so goddamn sick of this nonsense—grab your stuff and get the hell out,” said European…Read more...

Senator Mitt Romney and Majority Leader Mitch McConnell have sharply criticized GOP Rep. Steve King (R-IA) for comments he made that were sympathetic to white supremacy. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In a surprise announcement Tuesday, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer revealed that the blockbuster drug Viagra contained absolutely no active ingredients and that, all along, “the real medicine” that had been giving its users erections was confidence. “While many of our customers thought they were taking a PDE5…Read more...

SAN ANTONIO—Staring into the distance with his mouth agape and sweat beading on his forehead, NBA referee JB Derosa was reportedly terrified Monday after seeing a depiction of his own death while looking under the replay hood. “JB was under there a while on what seemed like a routine call, then all of a sudden, he…Read more...

After President Trump’s firing of FBI director James Comey, the bureau became so concerned about his behavior that they began investigating whether he was collaborating with Russia, although the findings of the inquiry are unclear. What do you think?Read more...

TULSA, OK—Dreading the day new technologies would emerge to render his craft obsolete, Vince Callahan, an autoworker crouched inside a robotic welding arm, told reporters Tuesday that he was terrified a robot would eventually take his job. “This is all I know how to do. If they ever make a robot that can do this job,…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Stressing that the furniture would be perfect for hosting guests, your mom wanted to know Tuesday whether you could use Grandma’s antique, 12-person dining room table in your studio apartment. “If you want it, we can haul it over the next time I have a doctor’s appointment in the city,” your mother said,…Read more...

A new poll from SSRS found that 55 percent of Americans blame President Trump for the shutdown, while 32 percent say the blame rests mostly with the Democrats. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Buzzing with anticipation amid rumors surrounding the HBO show’s long-awaited finale, Game of Thrones fans nationwide expressed their excitement Monday after learning that the series would finally be over. “This is awesome. I’ve been looking forward to this ever since season one,” said fan Benjamin…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Saying that the ongoing shutdown, which has lasted nearly a month, had forced him to consider other options for work, furloughed federal employee Elliott Baker confirmed Monday that he had started an online search for a new government. “I like working for the United States, but I’ve got a family to feed and…Read more...

NEW YORK—Saying she had no idea the final chords were going to go on as long as they did, local R&B singer Kaila Robinson decided Monday that she might as well just keep moaning into the mic until the end of the song. “Well, I finished all of the words I planned to sing and we still have 30 seconds on the track,…Read more...

CARBONDALE, IL—Stating their dumbass intentions to get a running start and scream “cowabunga,” the nation’s idiots announced plans Monday to jump off their roofs into a pile of snow and break their fucking legs. “We dunces stand on our roof gutters today, fully prepared to jump 20 feet to the ground and straight into…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Touting the newest update as a “game changer” for those looking to find love beyond their third cousins once removed, Tinder announced Monday that their app will no longer match users solely with their distant relatives. “As of today, swiping right does not mean you will automatically be paired with…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Declaring this year’s awards-show-related crime wave among the worst in decades, the Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that the headless, handless body of Ethan Hawke was found dumped in Laurel Canyon, a crime consistent in its motive and its violence with the 2019 Oscar race. “Unfortunately,…Read more...

Bullying has long run rampant in American schools, but this important PSA campaign from the Ad Council will hopefully make kids think twice before terrorizing their classmates: This amazing new anti-bullying campaign reminds kids that even though bullying might be fun, rewarding, and cool, it can sometimes make you…Read more...

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LANGLEY, VA—Admitting that the organization had erroneously rushed to judgment in response to an unimaginable tragedy, CIA director Gina Haspel issued a posthumous apology Wednesday to the family of Osama bin Laden in light of new evidence which conclusively clears the former Al Qaeda leader of any involvement…Read more...

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All of us do or say the wrong thing from time to time. It’s my belief that what matters most is not the mistakes we make in life, but how we choose to respond after we’ve made them. Refusing to acknowledge our errors is easy: We simply presume that we are correct and ignore any facts to the contrary. Admitting we’ve…Read more...

Each year, Americans celebrate New Year’s Eve by resolving to change some aspect of their lives. What is your New Year’s resolution?Read more...

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IRVING, TX—Calling the feminine hygiene product the perfect way to usher in 2019 with comfort and style, Kotex introduced their new line of Confetti Popper Tampons Friday to help ring in the new year. “When the clock strikes midnight, simply pull the string on one of our sleek, slim Confetti Popper tampons to join the…Read more...

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In a year where cruelty, deception, and unfettered corruption controlled all three branches of the U.S. government, The Onion’s flawless reportage and above-reproach journalism in 2018 exposed the dark underbelly of society and provided a beacon of hope that human civilization would finally and mercifully come to an…Read more...

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DALLAS—Grimacing and clutching at his shoulder, Fox NFL announcer Joe Buck tore his rotator cuff after an awkward throw down to the sideline during the second quarter of the Buccaneers vs. Cowboys game. “You hate to see an announcer go down like that. Especially on such a routine throw down to Erin to check the field…Read more...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Categorically denying allegations that the tactic was unconstitutional and unfairly targeted players who protested the national anthem, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell released a statement Sunday defending the NFL’s right to subject Panthers safety Eric Reid to random stop-and-frisk searches. “We’re…Read more...

LONDON—Noting that making a difference would cost less than a single cup of coffee, the Against Malaria Foundation released an advertising campaign Friday stressing that even one dollar could help a needy child, but you’d have to be a complete fucking dick to give that little. “For just one dollar out of your…Read more...

Apple plans to employ 5,000 new workers at a new campus one miles from downtown Austin, TX, which will eventually have room to accommodate up to 15,000 workers. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Pacing frantically back and forth, wiping flecks of gore from their faces, and muttering that they could get everything under control if they just had more time, the panicked and blood-drenched citizens of the United States barked at everyone in their immediate vicinity Friday, demanding just one goddamn…Read more...

While New Year’s resolutions are popular, studies show that the majority of them are never achieved, making whether to tie personal goals to the beginning of a new year a matter of debate. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of making New Year’s resolutions.Read more...

CHICAGO—Staring wide-eyed at the table full of unopened presents being largely ignored by guests, local man Rick Joseph reportedly watched helplessly Friday as the White Elephant exchange completely devolved into friends just chatting and having a nice time. “Christ, it should have been my turn to pick a gift over an…Read more...

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Calling the product the must-have item for true music connoisseurs, Bose officials announced Friday the release of the new W85 headphones that are specifically optimized for listening to Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know.” “We’re proud to introduce the W85 as the next generation in Whitney…Read more...

In a finding that crossed racial, educational, and demographic lines, a new NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll found most Americans are against the country becoming more politically correct, including a majority of independent voters. What do you think?Read more...

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