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Updated 2025-11-08 04:47
The 10 Characters Most Likely To Die In ‘Avengers: Infinity War,’ According To Family Medical History
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Nation Shocked Cop Facing Punishment For Murder
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Should The Browns Use The First Overall Pick On A Once-In-A-Generation Long Snapper?
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Millions Across Country Celebrate ‘Make A Kid At Work’ Day
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Publicist Worried Kanye West’s Support Of Trump Will Damage His Carefully Crafted Public Image As A Manic Self-Absorbed Lunatic
LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern over the fallout from several controversial tweets praising the president, Kanye West’s publicist was reportedly worried Thursday that the rapper’s support of Donald Trump would damage his carefully crafted public image as a manic, self-absorbed lunatic. “Christ, we’ve worked so hard to…Read more...
Preying The Price
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Before You Go See‘Avengers: Infinity War,’Here’s Everything You Need To Know About The Endless Love And Compassion Of Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ
With 18 previous movies and countless characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, it’s no wonder fans are worried about feeling lost during the newly released Avengers: Infinity War—and there’s no way you’ll understand the movie unless you’re all caught up on the full background nuances of Jesus Christ’s gospel of…Read more...
Bears GM Wavering Between Drafting Good Player Or Bad Player
CHICAGO—Admitting that he was torn over which one would be the best fit for the roster, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace told reporters Thursday that he was wavering between drafting a good player or a bad player. “It’s a real toss-up because on one hand, you have a guy with tremendous instincts and…Read more...
Experts Warn Beef Could Act As Gateway Meat To Human Flesh
BETHESDA, MD—In an alarming new study that sheds light on the hidden dangers of the popular protein, the National Institutes of Health warned Thursday that beef may serve as a gateway meat that eventually leads those who eat it to try human flesh.Read more...
Nation’s Baby Boomers Hold Press Conference To Announce They All Have Diseases Now
BOCA RATON, FL—Struggling to deliver the remarks in between violent coughing fits, the nation’s baby boomers held a press conference Thursday to announce that they all have diseases now. “We felt it was important to go on record and affirm that each and every one of us is stricken with an illness now,” said…Read more...
National Debt To Rise To $29 Trillion By 2020
On the heels of the recent $1.3 trillion spending bill passed by Congress, the CBO released a new 10-year forecast showing the national debt ballooning to $29 trillion by the end of the decade. What do you think?Read more...
Taylor Swift Grateful Kanye West Controversy Taking Heat Off New Swastika Tattoo
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Nation Suddenly Concerned About Black Man's Opinion
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Okay, Ghost Masters! Now You Will Finally Gather Around The Campfire To Tell Us A Scary Story In The Comments Section In Order To Make Us Scream
Calling all masters of horror! Darkness has fallen in the horrifying woods, and it’s time to swap tales of terror around the campfire in order to make us scream. Ghosts! Goblins! Animals with the legs of a man! Ancient monsters from beyond the farthest reaches space and time! All of the frights in your mind! We want…Read more...
‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ To Return With Season 2 Today
Emmy-winning drama The Handmaid’s Tale returns to Hulu for a second season today, charting a fictional descent into dystopian sexism in the wake of the real-world #MeToo movement and rise of authoritarianism. What do you think?Read more...
Tom Brady Reveals That Humanity Will Perish Long Before He Retires
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring fans and reporters that his football career was far from over, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady revealed Wednesday that humanity would perish long before he retires. “You can’t take anything for granted in the NFL, but I’m taking care of my body, and I plan to keep playing football…Read more...
Report: Mothers Not Paying Attention To 80% Of Cool Things Nation’s Boys Do
CLIFTON, NJ—Revealing that by the time most American mothers notice their sons’ activities it is already too late, a report published Wednesday by SurveyUSA claims that the majority of maternal parents aren’t paying sufficient attention to 80 percent of the cool things the nation’s boys do. “Whether at playgrounds,…Read more...
Student Loans By The Numbers
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Warden Figures Week In Solitary Ought To Teach Inmate Not To Be Schizophrenic
RAIFORD, FL—Saying that the disciplinary measure would make the prisoner think twice the next time, Union Correctional Institution warden Roy Connaught said Wednesday he figured a week in solitary confinement ought to teach inmate Ethan Williams not to be schizophrenic. “I reckon a stretch in the hole might show Ethan…Read more...
Report: Christ, Someone Actually Brought Their Kid To This
SAN DIEGO—Aghast at what apparently passes for parental supervision these days, theatergoing sources reported Wednesday that, oh, Jesus Christ, someone actually brought their kid to this thing. “Great. Now there’s some…some child making all this noise and running around, and I have no idea when or even if I’m supposed…Read more...
Last Person Born In 19th Century Dies
Nabi Tajima has passed away in Araki, Japan at the age of 117. Born on April 4, 1900, she was the last known person to be born in the 19th Century (which technically ended on January 1, 1901). What do you think?Read more...
Spurs Defense Caught Off Guard By Flare Screen
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Sean Hannity Linked To Shell Corporation That Spent $90 Million On Properties
Fox News commentator Sean Hannity has been linked to a web of shell companies that used millions in HUD assistance to buy more than 870 homes—a relationship that Hannity never disclosed despite HUD Director Ben Carson’s recent appearance on his show. What do you think?Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 24, 2018
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Nation’s Drunk Strangers Announce Plans To Agree With Anything One Another Says
NASHVILLE, TN—Shouting to make themselves heard over the blasting music and the other bellowing drunks, the nation’s 12.6 million intoxicated strangers announced plans to agree definitively and completely with anything one another said, inebriated sources repeatedly confirmed Tuesday. “Fuck yeah, dude, you’re totally…Read more...
How FBI Investigations Work
The high-profile investigations by Special Counsel Robert Mueller and FBI officials into members of the Trump administration has put federal law enforcement in the spotlight. The Onion presents a guide to how FBI investigations work.Read more...
It’s Shameful That We Continue To Pay College Athletes Nothing While The Whistle Industry Reaps Massive Profits From Their Labor
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been obsessed with college sports. Over the years, I’ve bonded with my buddies as we watched last-second comebacks and heart-wrenching defeats, cheering on our favorite teams. These days, though I remain a diehard North Carolina Tar Heels fan, I’ve reached a point where I can no longer…Read more...
Swaziland Changes Name To eSwatini
King Mswati III has changed the name of Swaziland to the Kingdom of eSwatini, meaning “place of the Swazi” in the Swazi language. What do you think?Read more...
Kobe Bryant Hits Editing Bay To Train In Defense Of This Year’s Oscar Win
LOS ANGELES—Dedicating himself to improving his skills every day in search of a repeat victory in the Best Animated Short category, Kobe Bryant reportedly hit the video editing bay Tuesday to work on defending his Academy Award win for Dear Basketball. “I’m trying to stay on top of my game, so I start every day at 6…Read more...
Schumer Introduces Measure To Decriminalize Marijuana
Chuck Schumer introduced legislation Friday to decriminalize marijuana, the first time that any party leader in Congress has endorsed rolling back such drug laws. What do you think?Read more...
Stressed-Out Sean Hannity Buys 12 Little Cabins In Maine To Get Away From It All
BAR HARBOR, ME—Explaining that he really needed to escape from the increased public scrutiny into his personal and professional life, stressed-out Fox News host Sean Hannity reportedly bought 12 little cabins in rural Maine over the weekend to get away from it all. “I was getting really burnt out with work stuff and…Read more...
Report: New ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Season Focuses On Dangers Of Feminism Run Amok
SANTA MONICA, CA—Speaking about the upcoming episodes of the Hulu series at a press event, producers of The Handmaid’s Tale announced Monday that the second season would focus on the serious dangers posed by feminism run amok. “Fans of The Handmaid’s Tale are going to be thrilled to be back in the totalitarian…Read more...
Newborn Prince Of Cambridge Begins Consolidating Power By Having Family Imprisoned In Tower Of London
LONDON—Ruthlessly moving to stake his claim to the British throne mere moments after his parturition this morning, the newborn Prince of Cambridge began consolidating power by having all other members of the royal family imprisoned in the Tower of London, those close to the Crown report. “In what can only be seen as…Read more...
Sean Hannity: ‘I Will Be Dispelling Any And All Factual Claims About Me During My Show’
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Public Alert: The CDC Has Issued A Recall For All Romaine Lettuce Because It’s Time For Pizza!
If you haven’t heard the news yet, pay attention, because there’s been an urgent public alert issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: Effective immediately, there is a nationwide recall for all romaine lettuce because it’s time for pizza!Read more...
Raccoon Crushed To Death By Garbage Truck Hits Jackpot With Reincarnation
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Bowing Out: Justin Timberlake Has Retired From Singing After Realizing That You Can Just Work In An Office
One of pop music’s most iconic superstars just announced that he’s stepping away from the microphone for good. Earlier today, Justin Timberlake issued a statement letting the world know that he’s retiring from singing after realizing you can just work in an office.
Conversation At Other End Of Table Sounds Way More Interesting
TUSTIN, CA—According to sources nodding along to a coworker’s story about vacation home rentals, the conversation happening between strangers at the other end of the communal table at the Ocean Walk Café sounds way more interesting. “I can’t tell exactly what they’re talking about, but just listen to them—they’re…Read more...
‘Nothing Is More Attractive Than Confidence,’ Says Woman Who Has Apparently Never Seen Sonic The Hedgehog Cosplay
DENVER, CO—Naively insisting that we seek partners with the confidence to be comfortable in their own skin, Denver systems analyst Jennifer Thomas, 32, stated Monday that “nothing is more attractive than confidence,” clearly demonstrating that she has never seen Sonic the Hedgehog cosplay. “Being secure with who you…Read more...
Cuba Names New President To Succeed Raúl Castro
The Communist Party of Cuba formally announced the presidency’s transition from Raúl Castro to 56-year-old Miguel Diaz-Canel, ending nearly 60 years of Castro family rule. What do you think?Read more...
Local History Museum Really Digging Deep To Fill 2 15-By-20-Foot Rooms
HOPKINTON, NH—After viewing several topographical maps, an old wagon wheel, and a few rusting farm implements, visitors to Hopkinton’s local history museum confirmed Monday that the curators had clearly dug deep to fill the two 15-by-20-foot rooms at their disposal. “The first room had photos of the town’s past and a…Read more...
The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 23, 2018
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Spurs Skype In Kawhi Leonard For Game 4
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North, South Korea In Talks To Announce End To 68-Year Korean War
An intelligence source revealed that an upcoming talk between Kim Jong-un and Moon Jae-in could result in the announcement of an end to the Korean War 68 years after the conflict began. What do you think?Read more...
Long John Silver’s Customer Finds Deep-Fried Poseidon Head In Value Meal
CINCINNATI—Causing a wave of disgust and outrage among his fellow diners, local man Tobin Sullivan said Friday that, to his horrified surprise, he had found the deep-fried head of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, in his $8.99 Two Fish And Six Shrimp Combo Platter. “I was eating my fish when I noticed what looked…Read more...
This Chilling Video Of George W. Bush And John Kerry Singing‘This Land Is Your Land’Shows How Easy It Is To Use Digital Facial Mapping To Fake Anyone Doing Anything
After the 2016 election, it became clear just how successfully trolls and foreign enemies have been using the internet to undermine the democratic process. Unfortunately, technological advancements are guaranteeing that the problem’s only going to get worse before it gets any better. Want proof? This disturbing video…Read more...
‘These Kids Should Be In School Instead Of Protesting,’ Say People So Tantalizingly Close To Getting The Point
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Absolutely Heartbreaking: The Editor Of Snopes Just Listed His Marriage Of28 Years As A Hoax
We all want to believe that love lasts forever, but the editor of Snopes, Patrick Gourley, just busted that myth wide open: He has officially listed his marriage of 28 years as a hoax.
Starbucks To Close 8,000 Stores For Racial Bias Training
After a wave of protests in response to the arrest of two black customers in a Philadelphia store, global coffee chain said they will close 8,000 stores on May 29 to give employees racial bias training. What do you think?Read more...
Child At That Awkward Age Where No One Cares What He Thinks And He’s Constantly In The Way
HARTFORD, CT—Acknowledging that their second-grader had reached “that uncomfortable stage” far earlier than most of his peers, the parents of 8-year-old Kyle Fiedler confirmed Friday that he was at that awkward age where no one cares what he thinks and he’s constantly in the way. “Kyle’s just going through that phase…Read more...
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