The Onion

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Conceding that any actual committed relationship with the anthropomorphic rodent would likely entail the usual day-to-day spousal complications, bachelor Pete Brookeshire admitted Monday that, in reality, a marriage to Minnie Mouse wouldn’t be as perfect as he liked to imagine. “Yes, Minnie is my dream…Read more...

President Trump admitted this weekend that the purpose of a meeting between his son Don Jr. and a woman linked to the Kremlin was to search for incriminating information about Hillary Clinton, directly contradicting previous statements. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Saying that home prospecting can be “a simple, low-effort method of exercising financial foresight,” the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors published a report Monday suggesting readers spend one evening ripping apart the walls and floorboards of their homes each week in search of hidden cash,…Read more...

ITHACA, NY—Finding himself nearly paralyzed by frustration and indecision, an American horned owl couldn’t remember which direction to turn in order to rotate his head back into place, avian sources confirmed Monday. “God, I always do this. I’m pretty sure it’s righty-tighty, lefty-loosey, but I forget which way I…Read more...

MILWAUKEE, WI—Expressing his deep and heartfelt regrets regarding how the incident has played out in the media, Milwaukee police officer Ian Feeny said Monday that he would never have killed an unarmed black man during a routine traffic stop if he had known that everyone would make such a big fuss about the incident.…Read more...

Defying legal advice, President Trump told lawyers recently that he is eager to sit down for an interview with the special counsel. What do you think?Read more...

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On Saturday night, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame and delivered his acceptance speech during the enshrinement ceremony in Canton, OH. Below are the words and phrases used by Lewis, weighted by the frequency in which they appeared.Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting that the ceremony was an absolute shit show, local grandmother Shirley Ingle could not believe Saturday that she’d hung on so long just to attend her granddaughter’s lame-ass wedding. “I fought so hard to stay alive and be here for this special day, but my God—this wedding fucking sucks,”…Read more...

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The White House is moving ahead on its plan to roll back the fuel economy mandate set by the Obama administration, likely resulting in more low-efficiency cars on the road. What do you think?Read more...

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PASADENA, CA—Claiming that their sexy new citrus strain demonstrates their commitment to exploring new once-forbidden horizons in the commercial fruit market, Sun Pacific unveiled Friday a new “Hotties” variety of voluptuous, shapely clementines. “At Sun Pacific, we know that our customers dream of sinking into a…Read more...

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VATICAN CITY—In a reversal of the Catholic Church’s longstanding doctrine, Pope Francis hastily condemned capital punishment Friday after Vatican police announced the discovery of significant new evidence related to a brutal 2014 stabbing death. “Capital punishment is an attack on the dignity of a person, and it is…Read more...

CHICAGO—Teasing that the Brooklyn-born actor was best known for his roles in Reservoir Dogs, Boardwalk Empire, and The Big Lebowski, sources confirmed Friday that a very special guest was rumored to appear later on in this article. This will reportedly mark the Hollywood legend’s first-ever foray into this paragraph,…Read more...

Democrats have introduced a bill that would require the 2030 census to ask about sexual orientation and gender identity to ensure the government gathers more robust data about LGBTQ individuals. What do you think?Read more...

The multiplayer online shooter game Fortnite has become a cultural phenomenon, with over 40 million players a month. The Onion presents a guide to everything you need to know about Fortnite.Read more...

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In recent days, President Donald Trump has increased his criticism of the media, and at a briefing Thursday, his press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, controversially refused to walk back his statements. Recognizing that unity in the journalistic profession is absolutely essential to allowing reporters to bravely…Read more...

The Ninth Circuit of Appeals has weighed in on a case brought to court by PETA, saying that Naruto, a Sulawesi macaque who took a viral selfie, cannot sue for the copyright to its own photo. What do you think?Read more...

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VATICAN CITY—In a historic admission of the Catholic church’s complicated and often shameful history, Pope Francis admitted in an informal public statement Thursday that “like, 97 percent” of Catholic leadership are “probably burning in hell right now.” “Believe me, contemporary Catholics are quite familiar with our…Read more...

PAWTUCKET, RI—In a move designed to capitalize on the company’s successful five-decade legacy of quality foam weaponry, representatives from Hasbro armaments subsidiary Nerf announced Thursday that they would be diversifying their line of dart, disc, and ball launchers to include actual firearms. “We cannot emphasize…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Following allegations that the school’s head football coach knew about domestic abuse accusations made against a former assistant in 2015 and then lied that he didn’t, Ohio State University officials reportedly announced Thursday that Urban Meyer had been put on paid secret coaching leave. “We’re taking…Read more...

JERUSALEM—In what is being regarded internationally as a powerful declaration of national purpose, Israel passed a binding resolution Thursday cementing itself as the exclusive nation-state of Benjamin Netanyahu. “Israel was created by and for Benjamin Netanyahu, and as a homeland for the Netanyahuan people,” said…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Flatly denying that he’s had any influence whatsoever over his team’s success, Cleveland Indians manager Terry Francona admitted Thursday that he was amazed people still think managing baseball was hard in any way. “If I’m being honest, there is really no strategy or skill involved at all—I could probably…Read more...

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Iconic game show host Alex Trebek revealed that he is considering leaving Jeopardy! by 2020, suggesting Alex Faust, the TV voice of the Los Angeles Kings, could be a fit to replace him. What do you think?Read more...

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The trial of former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort for bank fraud has begun, signaling the start of the next prosecutorial phase in Robert Mueller’s probe. What do you think?Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Finally homing in on a lead in their ongoing investigation into potentially fraudulent accounts, Facebook reported Wednesday the identification of dozens of suspicious accounts belonging to people who seem to enjoy their time on the website. “We discovered a small but significant number of registered…Read more...

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SAN FRANCISCO—Declaring that his vaunted culinary insights most often come from the simple practice of combining diverse food cultures across the globe, avant-cuisine innovator and star restaurateur Victor Tobias announced Wednesday the opening of Teriyaki-San, his new restaurant specializing in cutting-edge…Read more...

LOS GATOS, CA—Expressing disappointment while paging through a list of recent additions to the streaming-video service, Netflix executive Bela Bajaria noted Wednesday that the site had been updated to include thousands of mediocre new subscribers. “It’s nice to see some fresh options on here, but none of these people…Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA—Citing his cocksure disregard for standard procedure in favor of a more fast-and-loose approach, stunned sources reported Wednesday that loose-cannon cop Colin Roherty refuses to play by the rules, employing his own unorthodox system to file documents while on desk duty. “Instead of doing things by the…Read more...

Coffee is the world’s third-most-popular beverage, and the scientific understanding of coffee’s effects on the body has changed many times over its history. The Onion reviews the health claims that have been attributed to coffee over the years.Read more...

McDonald’s will be giving customers “MacCoins” with all purchases of Big Macs—a celebration of the 50th anniversary of the Big Mac that can be exchanged for another Big Mac. What do you think?Read more...

FAIRFAX, VA—Saying the schematics were already available on numerous file-sharing sites across the web, the National Rifle Association announced Tuesday it had released online blueprints that, for the first time ever, will allow citizens to print 3D gun lobbyists in their own homes. “Anyone with internet access and…Read more...

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Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg told reporters that she believes she will serve “at least five more years” on the Supreme Court, providing hope to liberal supporters wary of the Court’s rightward shift. What do you think?Read more...

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CHATHAM, MO—Concluding their investigation into the cop who fatally shot an unarmed black man during a September 2017 traffic stop, the Chatham Police Department announced Tuesday that Officer William Feldman would be let off with a promotion. “After a thorough examination of all the evidence, we’ve concluded that the…Read more...

CHICAGO—Broadcasting her privilege and her ignorance loud and clear, feminist and mother of two Andrea Chambers, 34, who has no idea what it’s like to take two separate escalators just to get to your clothing section at Zara and of course never will, said Tuesday that “Men are not oppressed” during a heated…Read more...

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AMES, IA—Presenting the results of a longitudinal study spanning more than two decades, researchers from Iowa State University published findings Tuesday, revealing that nearly seven out of every 10 bingo winners end up prizeless within five years. “These winners tend to come from modest backgrounds, and most are not…Read more...

An Arizona woman has been arrested for stalking a man after their first date by sending him 65,000 text messages and sometimes over 500 per day. What do you think?Read more...

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