The Onion

LOS ALAMOS, NM––Granting researchers meaningful insights into the work environment of the top-secret Manhattan Project nuclear program, a set of newly unearthed journals reveal theoretical physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer annoyed his fellow scientists during the Trinity Test by quoting the Bhagavad Gita every time they…Read more...

The Trump administration’s new rules rolling back restrictions on coal emissions admit that they may cause 1,400 more premature deaths per year and will likely increase cases of asthma. What do you think?Read more...

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MISHAWAKA, IN—After thoroughly testing its alcohol metabolization and blood-cleansing properties with a 1.75-liter bottle of Cutty Sark, sales manager Randall Young confirmed Thursday that his new liver could really handle its scotch. “I had no idea how bad my old liver was until I tried this one,” Young said of the…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Growing increasingly annoyed at their clear ignorance of basic social cues, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly irritated Thursday that His guests did not understand it was far past time for them to leave Heaven. “For fuck’s sake, I didn’t say they could stay forever—some of them have been here for…Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA—Addressing the glaringly obvious cultural and linguistic differences that have become apparent in their American classroom, students at Anderson Valley High School admitted Thursday that they were experiencing difficulty understanding Timo Mäkinen, a far more thoroughly educated foreign exchange student…Read more...

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BERKELEY, CA—Eagerly speculating over who will make up the roster of controversial public intellectuals, students at the University of California, Berkeley told reporters Thursday they were excited to see the slate of notable speakers who will be disinvited to campus this year. “Man, I can’t wait to see which…Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Stressing the difficulty of following in the footsteps of an all-time legend, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck vowed Thursday to bring Indianapolis fans another great pizza ad. “It’s been far too long since Colts fans have been able to call a pizza ad campaign their own, but I’m going to do my best to bring…Read more...

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Donald Trump’s former attorney Michael Cohen has reached a plea deal with prosecutors for alleged financial fraud charges, although it is yet unclear whether he will testify in other matters such as the special investigation into the president’s 2016 campaign. What do you think?Read more...

TOPEKA, KS—Deeply inspired by the senior citizen’s refusal to conform to society’s rigid and closed-minded expectations, aspiring felon Matthias Winnow said Wednesday how moved he was that lawyer and lobbyist Paul Manafort, 69, didn’t get his first eight convictions until his late 60s. “Wow. Just wow. I thought my…Read more...

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Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort has been found guilty of eight counts of fraud, which could carry 11 to 14 years of prison time. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that they got the point and were ready to move on to something else, Americans from across the country confirmed Wednesday that it would be fine for Major League Baseball to just start the World Series right now. “Honestly, why not just pick a couple teams and start playing? We’ve been…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Finally divulging the most sought-after of her many beauty and wellness methods, Gwyneth Paltrow revealed Wednesday that the secret to her healthy, radiant skin was nothing more than her consumption of 20 pounds of kielbasa a day. “There are so many easy changes you can make in your day-to-day routine that…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Discouraged and demoralized almost to the breaking point by news of political corruption at the highest levels, images of migrant children still being kept in cages, time-lapse videos of disappearing polar ice caps, and a constant barrage of other relentlessly harrowing information, sources across the…Read more...

President Trump is apparently moving forward on his controversial proposal to create a space force as the sixth branch of the U.S. military, with members of his administration beginning to discuss how it would function. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of developing a space force.Read more...

QUEENS, NY—Promising to pass the blame in a professional and timely fashion, Sunnyside neighborhood landlord Bob Recine assured his tenants Wednesday that he would devote all possible resources to determining exactly why several sudden and mysterious leaks in their ceiling were not his fault. “Don’t even worry about…Read more...

Condemning the “crime” of priestly sexual abuse, Pope Francis penned an apology letter this week stressing that the Catholic Church has “showed no care for the little ones; we abandoned them.” What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Slamming the practice as cruel and inhumane, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals condemned the British Broadcasting Corporation Tuesday for trapping thousands of endangered animals inside television screens. “It is disgusting the way the BBC keeps these endangered species confined inside TV…Read more...

Describing his reluctance to allow the president to speak with the special counsel’s office, Trump lawyer Rudolph Giuliani told Meet The Press host Chuck Todd that “truth isn’t truth.” What do you think?Read more...

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KUTZTOWN, PA—Expressing their confusion and anger over today’s ever-changing social mores, the nation’s self-described “frustrated ordinary men” demanded Tuesday that someone tell them exactly which area on a woman’s breasts it was still acceptable to just walk up and touch. “We can’t keep track of every time some…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Claiming their new quick-acting solution will slough off your oily T-zone and other problem areas within seconds, Neutrogena introduced Tuesday an extra-strength face wash that instantly and permanently dissolves bad skin. “We’re excited to offer customers our new ultra-astringent Extra-Strength Skin…Read more...

Overdoses from opioids hit a record high of 72,000, CDC estimates suggest, although deaths have started decreasing in parts of New England thanks to government responses. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Disappointed that his new home lacked Cleveland’s amazing variety of cultural institutions, Lakers power forward LeBron James was reportedly crestfallen Tuesday after learning Los Angeles does not have any rock and roll museums. “I always loved the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame in Cleveland and just kind of…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Revealing his vulnerable side in a starkly honest interview, an emotional Elon Musk recalled this week how he spent his entire birthday alone working on concepts for new ways to mistreat employees at the Tesla factory. “When you’re the CEO, the responsibility of developing innovative new ways of…Read more...

President Trump cancelled plans for a Washington, D.C. military parade originally scheduled to happen on Nov. 10, 2018, blaming costs reported to be as high as $92 million. What do you think?Read more...

MENDOZA PROVINCE, ARGENTINA—Noting that it was the only location on the planet to calm your mind and forget about everything going on, sources confirmed Monday that a secluded cave on an icy peak in the Andes mountains is the one place left on earth where you can escape this. “If you wish to free yourself from all of…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Acknowledging his recent output had failed to live up to its full potential, Hollywood director Tim Burton expressed concern Monday that he might be going through a bit of a 14-movie slump. “It just seems like I’ve sort of been in a rough spot here for the past two or three decades,” said Burton, 59,…Read more...

CHICAGO—Elated with his discovery of an establishment that fits seamlessly into both his daily routine and his self-destructive lifestyle, local grocery shopper Alan Cordova, who has a serious and debilitating problem, announced Monday that the bar at his local grocery store actually has a great little happy hour.…Read more...

Just before his reelection campaign, Indian prime minister Narendra Modi is expected roll out the world’s biggest government healthcare program, providing basic healthcare to 500 million more people. What do you think?Read more...

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Streaming app Spotify is testing a new feature in Australia that allows non-paying users to skip an unlimited number of ads, allowing them to better track information about which ads users do and do not skip. What do you think?Read more...

Researchers at Harvard found that individuals wearing boxer shorts had a 25 percent higher sperm concentration those in tight-fitting underwear, most likely due to the cooler temperatures inside boxers. What do you think?Read more...

Due to unusually high temperatures, German beer consumption has risen rapidly, causing a shortage in the over 3 billion beer bottles in circulation. What do you think?Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Following a Pennsylvania grand jury’s report on widespread sexual abuse of children by priests and a cover-up that spanned decades, the Vatican released a statement Friday saying “listen, no normal person is going to sign up to be a priest.” “Look, we ask an awful lot of ordained priests and make them…Read more...

NOVI, MI—Vowing to give such an important request the respect it deserves, local Chili’s server Melissa Cortez told reporters Friday that she was unbelievably touched to be asked by a customer for her opinion on whether the enchiladas or burger was a better choice. “Oh, wow, for a lowly waiter like me to be asked by a…Read more...

EAST STROUDSBURG, PA—Intuiting that the close placement of the two objects was most likely not coincidental, funeral attendee Bryan Abboud made the assumption Friday that the man depicted in a portrait next to the coffin was more than likely the deceased. “Unless I’m missing something here, that’s got to be the dead…Read more...

SPRINGVILLE, UT—Concerned by the disturbing changes in her behavior since she discovered the site earlier this year, local man Derek Wilkinson told reporters Friday he worries his girlfriend, Katie Spencer, has started to become radicalized by a skin-care blog.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Explaining that their goal has always been to hold a mirror to society, whether focusing on the power of friendship or a racially motivated killing, the writers behind the hit children’s television series PAW Patrol defended a recent episode of the show Friday in which a German shepherd “police pup” shoots…Read more...

The number of people using mobile payment apps like Apple Pay and Venmo continues to rise, although there are concerns that their convenience could come at the cost of security. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of mobile payment apps.Read more...

JERUSALEM—Talking of the deep satisfaction they feel when slipping on a gilded robe and chilling out with devotees, world leaders from Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and every other major religion admitted Friday that they just love getting to wear frilly little gowns and having a blast. “Yeah, what can I say? We just…Read more...

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