by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3GZWA)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2025-07-03 09:00 |
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GZSA)
Climate models suggest that 70 percent of the 3.2 million King Penguins on Earth could die off by 2100 due to dwindling food sources. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GY62)
A report released by the Economic Policy Institute found that African Americans have experienced no net gains in homeownership, incarceration, or employment rates in the past 50 years. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GY19)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GY1A)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3GXGY)
SPRINGFIELD, IL—Feeling anxious about broaching the subject with her strict, conservative family, local teenager Brynna Kessell confirmed Tuesday that she was unsure how to break it to her parents that the devil had recently gotten her pregnant. “When they find out that I’ve been carrying Satan’s spawn, they’re…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GXGZ)
Free speech has become an increasingly contentious issue on college campuses as students, faculty, and the national media debate whether schools should impose restrictions on things like protests, guest speakers, and course material. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of free speech on college campuses.Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3GXH0)
NEW YORK—Considering and rejecting names at a rapid clip, local woman Michelle Alghabra mentally rifled through over a dozen friends Tuesday in search of the perfect person to sympathize with her latest petty conundrum. “Alison is usually my go-to for a sympathetic ear, but she might not see this as that big of a deal…Read more...
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by By Sen. Tom Carper on (#3GX84)
When I was first elected to represent the people of Delaware, I made a vow to hold myself to a higher standard. The voters had placed their trust in me, and I knew if I broke that sacred covenant, I’d never forgive myself. Which is why, 35 years later, when someone tries to sway my position on an issue by offering me…Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GX4T)
A Gallup poll has found that while Americans under 30 are more liberal on a variety of other issues, they are only 1 percent more likely to approve gun control than their elders. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GX1W)
EDMONDS, WA—Highly motivated and ready to put their new skills to good use, sources at Rantrix Technologies reported Tuesday that their two-day corporate retreat had succeeded in teaching them how to better dick around as team. “It was really great to put aside our normal routine, take a step back, and focus on a…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GV81)
China’s Communist Party may scrap the two-term presidential limit, clearing the way for Xi Jinping to stay in power far longer than the typical 10-year tenure. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GTZG)
ITHACA, NY—In an effort to raise awareness on a potentially massive squandering of personal resources by thousands of hip, happening Americans, analysts at Cornell University published an alarming study Monday confirming that the vast majority of citizens who have got it fail to regularly and persistently flaunt it.…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3GTZH)
CLEVELAND—Growing ever more frustrated as he found himself spending his 10th minute of the day on non-interactive animation designed to advance the game’s plot, gamer Kyle Pierce told reporters Monday that even after spending 137 hours playing Xenoblade Chronicles 2, he could not believe that he has to waste his…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GTWT)
CLEVELAND—Saying the bold new infrastructure project would serve the needs of local residents through the 21st century and beyond, city officials announced Monday that work was finally complete on Cleveland’s long-awaited elevated sewer system.Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GTTK)
CHICAGO—Explaining the growing need to tighten restrictions for the comfort of their guests, United Airlines officials announced Monday plans to update their policy on allowing dogfights in the passenger cabin. “Effective immediately, United will no longer permit guests to stage dogfights or any other bloodsport on…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3GTTM)
PHOENIX—Casting aside any semblance of social decorum and human dignity, fifth grader Evelyn Gasper brutally impaled a stack of loose-leaf paper onto the rings of her binder Monday without hesitating for even a second to request access to the three-hole punch, sources at Peabody Elementary School confirmed. “My god,…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3GTNS)
TOMS RIVER, NJ—Reluctantly giving a pep talk on inner strength before ushering his newest student into the ring, local boxing guru Bill Sweeney told reporters Tuesday that he wished just once he could coach someone who had already fully worked through their childhood trauma. “Christ, I just want to teach people how to…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GTK5)
ROME—According to a report released Monday by the United Nations, U.S. consumers waste roughly 50 million tons of sugar-saturated food each year, a quantity sufficient to give over one billion residents of the developing world Type 2 diabetes. “Citizens in more affluent nations such as the United States do not fully…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3GTK6)
SOUTH BEND, IN—Saying he felt a sinking feeling of remorse while scrolling through dozens of online search results about the subculture, Roman Catholic priest Father Tom Shamblin admitted Monday that he has come to deeply regret his vow of celibacy since finding out about furries. “I thought I understood what I was…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GTGA)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3GTAG)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GSW3)
American hate groups increased by 4 percent in the first year of Trump’s presidency, with a substantial rise in anti-semitic, racist, and anti-LGBT organizations. What do you think?Read more...
by jmdavid on (#3GMMK)
In the fourth episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,†David recruits Onion Public Radio’s robust team of interns to recreate the night of Hayley Price’s murder in order to determine once and for all if a person can really die from a simultaneous gunshot-stabbing-strangling-drowning. Plus: A major twist.Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GMF2)
Saying that he didn’t have a story to tell, filmmaker Joss Whedon has left the production of DC Entertainment’s Batgirl film. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GMCX)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GM65)
PHILADELPHIA—Saying the discovery shed new light on the father of our country, a team of University of Pennsylvania archivists announced Monday that new evidence suggests George Washington sent a woodcut of his penis to his secretary. “After uncovering a well-preserved, remarkably graphic woodcut dating from the…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GM45)
NEW YORK—Recalling how his best-selling mathematics primer had struggled to garner any attention from top textbook agents, author Bruce Gallagher confirmed Friday that his runaway blockbuster textbook, Introduction To Algebra, had been rejected by a dozen publishers before finally being picked up. “All the big houses…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GM46)
SAN DIEGO—Shedding new light on the young woman’s mystifying allure, a report released Friday found a link between the passing days and the fair Jeanette growing ever more beautiful. “According to our research, there may, in fact, exist a strong correlation between the rate at which Jeanette’s ethereal loveliness…Read more...
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by By Dwight Pettigrew on (#3GKRF)
The Olympics never fail to leave me in awe. It is both humbling and enthralling to witness what the greatest athletes in the world can accomplish when they work hard and push themselves to excel. And this time around, watching the incredible achievements at the winter games in Pyeongchang has motivated me to strive…Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on Sports, shared by Ryan Shattuck t on (#3GKNM)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GKJW)
GENEVA—Attending a conference to discuss alarming new data on rising sea levels, a weary group of top climatologists suddenly halted their presentation Friday, let out a long sigh, and stated that the best thing anyone can do at this point is just try to enjoy the next couple decades as much as possible. “You know…Read more...
by Slim Jim on (#3GKJX)
Travel to a foreign country and have a once-in-a-lifetime experience with someone you love, or, short of that, just convince yourself that happiness comes from within.Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GKJY)
After drawing criticism from feminists for wearing a revealing dress during the premiere of her new thriller Red Sparrow, Jennifer Lawrence responded that the complaints were “sexist†and “ridiculous.†What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3GKFT)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Sports, shared by Ryan Shattuck t on (#3GJ62)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GHQX)
Saying she was merely excited to support U.S. athletes, First Daughter Ivanka Trump clarified that her trip to the Winter Olympics would not be spent engaging diplomatically with North Korea. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GHP0)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GHP1)
OXFORD, ENGLAND—International nongovernmental organization Oxfam announced a new pledge campaign Thursday requesting help in their effort to protect impoverished girls from sexual predation at the hands of Oxfam employees. “Your donation can make a difference in the lives of girls in countries suffering from the…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GHKW)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3GHDB)
SPARKS, MD—Noting that the extensive program would significantly cut into their workday, employees at digital agency IMERQ were reportedly annoyed Thursday at having to attend a three-hour-long sexual seduction training. “I know sexual seduction is an important issue, but I hate having to reschedule client meetings…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3GHB0)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GH7T)
Essential oils have grown increasingly popular as natural remedies for common health problems, but their actual effectiveness is the subject of much debate. The Onion outlines some of the myths and facts surrounding essential oils.Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3GGWW)
CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Staring in awe at the total goddamn renegade in the front pew, witnesses told reporters Sunday that badass churchgoer Frank Wittman knew the words without even having to glance at the hymnal. “When it comes to praising the Lord in song, Wittman’s fucking hardcore—head up, hands out like a boss,â€â€¦Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GGWX)
Neurologists at the University of California found that moderate drinking is linked to living longer than 90, with 2 glasses of beer or wine per day decreasing premature deaths by 18%. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3GGWY)
PEACHAM, VT—Telling friends and neighbors to flee for their lives before it was too late, the nation’s beekeepers stated Thursday they were unsure how much longer they could hold back the furious swarms buzzing ominously around their hives. “For generations, we have fought to contain the violent wrath of bees, but…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Sports, shared by Ryan Shattuck t on (#3GGWZ)
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