The Onion

Lead singer of Scottish rock band Frightened Rabbit Scott Hutchison has died in an apparent suicide at the age of 36, leaving behind a legacy of speaking out on mental health awareness with songs such as “Swim Until You Can’t See Land,” “The Modern Leper,” and “Keep Yourself Warm.” What do you think?Read more...

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SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting he didn’t think he’d be utilizing intimidation tactics from his childhood this far down the line, 38-year-old Gene Booker confirmed Monday that he was surprised by how often he still uses the bullying skills he learned in high school. “I always thought destroying other people’s confidence and…Read more...

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Speaking to reporters ahead of their planned June wedding, engaged couple Sarah Hargrove and Brian Neely confirmed Monday that all they wanted was a small ceremony at their local park surrounded by close friends and a shirtless stranger hanging around a tree. “When we envision our special day, we’re…Read more...

A mystery is currently unfolding that’s completely bewildered every fifth-grader at Columbus Elementary in Hastings, Nebraska. At the present moment, no one can really tell whether the kid who just asked the sex-ed teacher if turds come out of pussies said it to be funny or out of genuine ignorance.Read more...

President Donald Trump announced he will meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un in Singapore on June 12. What do you think?Read more...

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MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—After assuming the position for more than two millennia, Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet, announced Monday that the next will be his final life before retirement. “I’ve had a good run continuously reincarnating as a tulku these past few dozen lives, but after much consideration, I think…Read more...

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Across the nation, Americans are getting ready to celebrate their moms this Sunday. What do you plan for Mother’s Day?Read more...

SIESTA KEY, FL—Saying that it was simple and straightforward to locate a gift that their mother would enjoy, the children of alcoholic Alison Cassidy confirmed Friday that she was pretty easy to shop for. “It’s cool that we don’t have to get stressed out running around to a bunch of different shops when we can just…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide the most accurate possible picture of the nation’s demographics, the Director of the U.S. Census Bureau Ron Jarmin called for an updated population report Friday after realizing he had completely forgotten to count himself. “This is a bit embarrassing, but it looks like I neglected…Read more...

BASEL, SWITZERLAND—Bedecked in a red cape and leather jumpsuit as he began shimmying into the muzzle of the artillery weapon, assisted suicide advocate David Goodall told reporters Thursday that he looked forward to ending his life before being shot out of a cannon at a brick wall. “At my age, and even earlier than my…Read more...

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CHICAGO—After he picked up the first $14.99 floral arrangement he saw at his neighborhood drugstore Friday, sources confirmed local man Connor Wurster was apparently banking on unconditional love doing most of the heavy lifting for the bouquet he selected as a Mother’s Day present. “This one looks decent enough, and…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could help shed new light on the history of the Red Planet, NASA announced Friday that a diving board found on Mars confirmed that the planet may have at one point contained water. “While the board itself is now completely cracked and arid, the very fact of its existence…Read more...

Following numerous sexual-misconduct allegations against Charlies Rose, PBS announced Christiane Amanpour will launch her new hour-long public affairs program Amanpour & Company. What do you think?Read more...

ROCHESTER, NY—Honoring their performance and consistency in regularly appearing up and down the high-score screen for decades, the World Video Game Hall Of Fame formally inducted “ASS” into its hallowed collection in a gala ceremony Friday. “After years of being overlooked for outstanding contributions to gaming in…Read more...

CORONA, CA—Boasting that their edgy new product was intended “solely for hardcore adrenaline junkies who want to grab life by the balls,” Monster Energy unveiled Friday their new defibrillator, a black-and-acid-green portable recreational unit they claim is capable of delivering 1,200 volts straight to the heart.…Read more...

It’s difficult to fathom the hardships my immigrant ancestors faced coming to America, leaving behind everything they knew to build a new life from scratch in a foreign land. Yet millions of people did exactly that, including my grandfather. He succeeded in creating a better life for himself in America against…Read more...

DEARBORN, MI—Having isolated the origin of the blaze that caused the company to halt production of the popular vehicle, representatives at Ford confirmed Thursday that the fire at the truck parts supplier’s plant was caused by a spooked F-150 knocking over a lantern. “After surveying the damage at the factory, we’ve…Read more...

PENNINGTON GAP, VA—Taking pains to ensure the returning citizens feel as normal as possible, government representatives confirmed Thursday that the Americans recently freed from North Korean prison will be put into U.S. detention camps to help ease the shock of their return to Western society. “In light of the months…Read more...

Israel caused offense when it served Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe chocolate pralines in a model man’s shoe at a diplomatic dinner, failing to take into account the lowly role shoes play in Japanese culture. What do you think?Read more...

DAMASCUS—Expressing frustration with the constant clamor coming from nearby apartments, Syrian man Sayid Madanly was reportedly kept up all night Wednesday by the sounds of his neighbors dying. “God, I wasn’t able to get any sleep because they’re upstairs just moaning and screaming in the middle of the night,” said…Read more...

Robert Mueller’s ongoing investigation into collusion between Donald Trump and the Russian government has been inching closer and closer to an indictment, and this bombshell might just be the nail in the coffin for POTUS: An ancient order of Franciscan monks has just released a 13th-century tapestry depicting Donald…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Declaring that it was long past time for his people to live once again on their ancestral soil, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly began calling Thursday for the Israeli return to their ancient homeland of Iran. “The land of Iran has long been part of our heritage, and we implore the international…Read more...

ROCHESTER, MN—Stressing the importance of afflicted individuals heeding their symptoms, Mayo Clinic researchers released a study Thursday that found that headaches are the human body’s way of communicating that it wants pills. “Our findings prove conclusively that the body uses headaches as a way of signaling that it…Read more...

GAINESVILLE, FL—Upending the conventional theory that the animals are different species, a study conducted by marine biologists at the University of Florida confirmed Thursday that sharks are just really angry dolphins. “An exhaustive five-year-long field study combined with comprehensive DNA analysis proves that…Read more...

HARRODSBURG, KY—Moments after he mistakenly turned the shower knob in the wrong direction, local man Dennis Rowley confirmed Thursday that sometimes in this life, things have to get worse before they can get better.Read more...

First Lady Melania Trump unveiled her new “Be Best” initiative aimed at improving the wellbeing of U.S. children by tackling opioid abuse, cyber-bullying, and mental health issues. What do you think?Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Leading them to a special, cordoned-off area for customers with only the most discerning tastes, sperm bank manager Timothy Vaughn took a wealthy couple to a secret back freezer Thursday where the real good stuff is stored. “Sir, madame, right this way,” said Vaughn, leading his well-coiffed clients past…Read more...

President Trump announced Tuesday that he plans to withdraw from the Iran nuclear deal, unraveling the Obama administration’s foreign policy achievement and leaving the United States at odds with its allies in dealing with the Iranians. What do you think?Read more...

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BEL AIR, CA—After accidentally glimpsing a manila folder labeled “Alpha Design Grimes” while alone in the home office of her boyfriend, Elon Musk, 30-year-old musician Grimes reportedly stumbled Wednesday upon an $18 billion plan for a cutting-edge, completely reinvented Grimes. “What the hell is ‘a truly…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Insisting that it only played a minor role in helping him break the single-season home run record, Mark McGwire claimed Wednesday that he could have hit 70 home runs even without the help of a bat. “People act like it was the only reason I was able to belt all those home runs, but deep down, I know I could…Read more...

NAZARETH, PA—Sprinting down driveways and cutting through bushes to lock down the situation as quickly as possible, a group of 10-year-old first responders rushed to the stone-path scene of a single-vehicle BMX bike crash Wednesday to check out Tyler’s totally fucked-up leg. “Quick, guys! Call Trevor, get Brian,…Read more...

SEATTLE—Groaning and rolling their eyes as the front office executive methodically stretched different muscle groups, the Mariners’ staff expressed frustration Wednesday at new coworker Ichiro Suzuki’s long warm-up routine before using the office scanner. “It’s ridiculous. He does all these breathing techniques to…Read more...

Sorry, Mr. President, I know you’re a busy man, but if I may, please, I promise to make this quick. For quite some time sir, I’m sure you’re aware, but respectfully, Dr. Trump, mind you, Captain President, sir—and there’s nothing you can do about it, good professor!

Hey, Drumpf (a.k.a. President Donald Trump), don’t get too cozy in the White House, because there is a new website that wants to kill you. It’s called ResistanceHole, and it’s your new worst nightmare.Read more...

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URBANA, IL—Hailing their creation as a major step forward in the field of food science, researchers at the University of Illinois unveiled an artificial human placenta Wednesday they claim tastes just as delicious as the real thing. “This is a huge day for consumers who want that big, bold placenta flavor but don’t…Read more...

During a recent stand-up set in Phoenix, AZ, actor Ken Jeong used medical training from his earlier career as a physician to help an audience member having a seizure. What do you think?Read more...

HOUSTON—Assessing the perspiration dripping off the players while waiting for the next time-out, the Houston Rockets’ mop guy Kyle Collins could already tell Tuesday that Game 4 against the Utah Jazz was going to be a sweaty one. “We’re only five minutes in, [James] Harden is just drenched, and inside the paint is…Read more...

ISFAHAN, IRAN—In the wake of President Trump’s announcement Tuesday that the United States would pull out of the international agreement to limit the Middle Eastern country’s program, Iranian nuclear scientist Ali Khatami was reportedly annoyed that he would have to return to his shitty old job building nuclear…Read more...

A Centers for Disease Control report found that contagions such as Lyme Disease and Zika have rapidly increased since 2004 with more than 640,000 Americans infected between then and 2016. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Frantically tidying up after last night’s star-studded, Catholic-art-themed fundraiser, staff janitors reportedly rushed to remove Katy Perry from a crucifix hanging on a wall of the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s lobby Tuesday. “Come on, guys, let’s move—somebody find a pry bar so we can get these nails out of…Read more...

FLORENCE, SC—Lamenting his lack of foresight and preparation in choosing to have a full order of barbecued chicken wings without a proper supply of wiping materials, diner Eddie Schubert, 32, sat napkinless at his kitchen table Tuesday, staring in dismay at his grease-covered fingers while realizing he had trapped…Read more...