The Onion

SEATTLE—Behind a cobweb-covered red velvet curtain that opened to reveal a secret chamber where frightful delights were lurking, premium guests of the Nightmare Asylum haunted house were allowed access to a VIP section Tuesday where they were allowed to touch the performers. “Welcome, high rollers, to an exclusive…Read more...

In its annual report on representation on television, GLAAD found that the number of LGBTQ series regulars was at an all-time high, especially drawing attention to Pose and Supergirl as “history-making television moments.” What do you think?Read more...

LOUISVILLE, KY—Baffling fast food consumers nationwide by implicating the diners themselves in some unknown but vaguely fishery-related practice, seafood chain Long John Silver’s launched a new nationwide ad campaign Tuesday featuring the cryptic tagline “You Are The Bait Now.” “I’ve seen a commercial that was nothing…Read more...

NEW YORK—Declaring that the search was over for those looking to attain a more youthful, unnatural appearance, Revlon unveiled Tuesday a new cutting-edge line of age-defying monster makeup. “The anti-aging Franken-makeup line provides full coverage so your face can be smooth, spotless, and incredibly terrifying,” said…Read more...

The New York State Attorney General announced plans to sue oil giant Exxon Mobil for misleading its investors about climate change, claiming that the company presented different information on the risks publicly and privately. What do you think?Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting no improvements since suddenly appearing on his left arm several weeks ago, a detailed report released Tuesday by local man Derrick Hart revealed that his rash was not going away. “I don’t know what it’s from, but now it’s starting to hurt,” said Hart, explaining that he first noticed the skin…Read more...

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There are some truths that are best left unknown, horrific secrets that will shatter any mind that dares to learn them, and, tragically, one of the world’s most beloved comedians has precipitated his own undoing in pursuit of such forbidden knowledge: Jerry Seinfeld has gone completely insane after attaining full…Read more...

Megyn Kelly will depart NBC just 48 hours after the host made remarks in which she defended Halloween costumes that included blackface in a deal that will reportedly net the anchor $69 million due to her non-break agreement with the network. What do you think?Read more...

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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that on any day in America, about one-third of adults eat fast food, with younger Americans among the most likely to engage in this unhealthy lifestyle. What do you think?Read more...

WICHITA, KS—Touting their new product as a necessary innovation in short-stay accommodations, camping and portable sleeping gear manufacturer Coleman unveiled the SinkRest this Monday, an air mattress featuring built-in gradual leaks for house guests who refuse to take a hint. “We’ve specifically designed this…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Investigating a sudden uptick in nationwide on-the-job somnolence, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration released a study Monday showing that the majority of late afternoon sleepiness in the American workplace is in fact caused by an undetected carbon monoxide leak. “Our…Read more...

BOLINGBROOK, IL—Explaining that seeking professional psychological help was a big scam when there were better, cheaper alternatives, local man Justin Treanor told reporters Monday that he doesn’t understand why people waste money on a therapist when they could just emotionally crush their girlfriend. “A therapist can…Read more...

NEW YORK—In what many are calling a long-awaited overhaul to New York’s underground network of flashers, perverts, and yankers, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority unveiled a $28 billion plan Monday to renovate their citywide fleet of subway masturbators. “This incredible initiative will bring new life to the…Read more...

NEW YORK—Taking a moment from their morning broadcast to castigate Cesar Soyec, the man accused with mailing out explosives to numerous prominent Democrats and Trump critics, Fox & Friends hosts denounced the bombing suspect Monday as an overenthusiastic fan whose heart was basically in the right place. “This…Read more...

BUFFALO GROVE, IL—Emphasizing that communication was a “two-way street,” local man Thomas Ross expressed concern Monday that he was being heard, but not listened to by a representative taking his call on the Oscar Mayer customer service hotline. “I just keep talking and talking, and it’s like you’re not even listening…Read more...

LONDON—Her royal eye trained on the building entrance in careful anticipation of potential parcel thieves, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly concealed herself in the shrubbery Monday in order to apprehend whoever was stealing the packages from the Buckingham Palace porch. “Just last week, I ordered the loveliest FitBit…Read more...

PITTSBURGH—In the hours following a violent rampage in Pennsylvania in which a lone attacker killed 11 individuals and seriously injured six others, including four police officers, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Saturday that there was no way…Read more...

STANFORD, CA—Researchers from Stanford University published the results of an alarming report Tuesday that confirmed the average American spends roughly 25 percent of their life waiting in line at a cell phone store. “Our analysis found that most people spend about 20 to 25 years of their lives waiting to be helped by…Read more...

Buckle up, because this story about Tim Lansen of Oakland, CA is going to be a real downer: Tim got his college diploma professionally framed.Read more...

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LANGHORNE, PA—Saying that she could sense Satan within them the moment they walked through the door, Sunday school teacher Elizabeth Reath told reporters this weekend that she could already tell which of her students at First Baptist Church of Langhorne were going to Hell. “At this point in my career, I can tell just…Read more...

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The highly anticipated new installment of the popular Red Dead Redemption series, hailed by some reviewers as the most realistic open-world video game ever made, went on sale today. What do you think?Read more...

RIYADH—Championing the brutal murder and dismemberment of the journalist as a humanitarian effort, Saudi crown prince Mohammed bin Salman on Friday reportedly touted the hundreds of Yemeni lives saved by the Saudis’ spending so much time focused on killing Jamal Khashoggi. “I can now confirm that the death of Mr.…Read more...

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The popularity of DNA testing for ancestry by companies like 23andMe and AncestryDNA has skyrocketed in recent years as people seek to know more about their pasts, but critics warn of unintended consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of genetic testing for ancestry.Read more...

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Noting the dramatic change in snacks and beverages made available at the Pisinski household, sleepover sources confirmed Friday that Logan’s mom had put him on a diet. “He’s not allowed to have any soda or candy, plus his mom put all the bags of chips way up high in the pantry so he can’t reach them,”…Read more...

A USA TODAY/Suffolk University poll found that voters swayed by the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation process became more likely to vote Democrat than Republican. What do you think?Read more...

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SATELLITE BEACH, FL—Referring to the Apollo 11 spaceflight and lunar landing as a “walk in the park,” astronaut Buzz Aldrin recalled Friday the relative ease with which he and fellow astronauts Neil Armstrong and Michael Collins reached the moon during heir 1969 mission. “We wore special suits and so on, as I’m sure…Read more...

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The Secret Service revealed that it found explosive devices in mail sent to former President Barack Obama and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as well as Joe Biden, CNN, and liberal philanthropist George Soros. What do you think?Read more...

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ST. LOUIS, MO—Explaining that the severity of the situation called for desperate and perhaps even borderline extreme measures, recently dumped woman Ruth Beneke, 26, called her wildest friend up from the bench of associates and acquaintances Thursday in order to help her ease the pain from a recent breakup. “I have so…Read more...

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A recent study found that 42 percent of cancer patients diagnosed between 2002 and 2012 lost their life savings and 62 percent reported being in debt due to their treatment. What do you think?Read more...

BALTIMORE—A study published Thursday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that the effectiveness of medical treatment skyrockets when the doctor acts like a condescending dick. “Our research proves that a patient’s long-term prognosis is directly and positively tied to having an MD who is an unrepentant,…Read more...

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PITCAIRN ISLANDS—Excited at the prospect of gifting the prized relic to his beloved new spouse, a romantic Prince Harry reportedly surprised Meghan Markle Thursday with one of his family’s heirloom colonies. “I’m so in love with Meghan that I knew I wanted to do something truly special for her, just because. I know it…Read more...

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TULSA, OK—Describing the experience as “no fucking picnic,” an as-yet-unnamed newborn protruding halfway out of his mother’s vagina confirmed Thursday that the 14-hour labor experience had not exactly been a cakewalk for him, either. “Just so we’re clear, this sucks for me, too. I would love to get someone to wipe the…Read more...

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Elon Musk’s Boring Company announced that it will open a proof-of-concept high-speed tunnel beneath Los Angeles on Dec. 10 and offer free rides to visitors on the following day, teasing the potential future of transportation. What do you think?Read more...

EVANSTON, IL—In yet another example of the increasingly polarized cultural landscape, a new poll released Wednesday by Northwestern University found that Americans continue to be fiercely divided along Charlotte Brontë–Emily Brontë lines. “Emily still has a strong base in the heartland, but attributing her support to…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Assuring you that you’re tantalizingly close to being able to slough off the various horrors of the world around you upon the video game’s Friday release, a report published Wednesday stated that just two more days and you can forget all of this and vanish into Red Dead Redemption 2. “Less than 48 hours…Read more...

Christie’s, a global auctioneer headquartered in London, is selling several of Stephen Hawking’s personal effects, including his dissertation, thesis, and iconic wheelchair for $12,600 in an auction to benefit his foundation for preventing motor neuron diseases. What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—Surveying the unfamiliar terrain in which he found himself, bus passenger Aaron Coleman deduced by his surroundings Wednesday that he had either not yet reached his desired stop or passed his stop a long time ago. “I must’ve spaced out during this part of my trip, because none of this looks quite right. Either…Read more...