The Onion

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Saying that an inability to properly cope with his feelings often led them to come out in sudden and unexpected ways, the family of local man Drew Walton told reporters Friday that they wished he could find a healthier way to express his emotions than always bursting into a full-blown musical number.…Read more...

CHICAGO—Expressing his incredulity at the race participants’ level of entitlement, a local man who set up a table full of water cups at Grant Park told reporters Sunday he had no idea how passing marathon runners got the impression they could just take them. “I came here like I do every weekend to enjoy a leisurely…Read more...

WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Bemoaning their luck as they watched other wedding guests happily mingle over dinner, Meghan Markle’s college friends confirmed Saturday that they had gotten stuck sitting at a table with the British Royal Family’s sickly Habsburg cousins. “Ugh, of course we get saddled with the weird, pale cousins…Read more...

This week, pop band Backstreet Boys released “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart,” their first single in five years, alongside a music video in which they dance with a female hologram. What do you think?Read more...

WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Attempting to keep his past in the past while setting up a shot of newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, royal wedding photographer Geoff Kelly was unable to completely suppress his guilt over the 1997 incident in which he ran Princess Diana off the road in Paris’ Pont de l’Alma tunnel, killing…Read more...

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It’s hard to imagine a more high-pressure situation than officiating a royal wedding that hundreds of millions of people are watching, and that pressure is clearly getting to officiant Justin Welby, who in his opening address just introduced bride Meghan Markle as “Michael Morgle.” After announcing the groom, Prince…Read more...

WINDSOR, ENGLAND—Ensuring his college friend had a comfortable place to crash while in town for the upcoming wedding, Prince Harry led guest Arnold Hayweather to an air mattress in an unused side room at Windsor Castle. “Ah, here we are. I inflated the old boy pretty good, so feel free to let some air out if it’s too…Read more...

SANTA FE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and seriously injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Friday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Explaining the strategy behind the recent domestic deployment of their new geological weapon, U.S. military officials released a statement Friday defending their much-criticized decision to test the Kilauea volcano on Hawaiian civilians. “The defense of our nation is paramount, and as recently as last…Read more...

Longtime McDonald’s fan Don Gorske entered the Guinness Book Of World Records after eating his 30,000th Big Mac, calling the hamburger sandwich “the best food I’ve ever had.” What do you think?Read more...

BERKELEY, CA—Extrapolating trends observed over the course of the previous few generations, sociologists at the University of California, Berkeley confirmed Friday the inevitable emergence of a generation more entitled and self-absorbed than any seen before. “According to our data, we are roughly a decade from…Read more...

Averaging about 1.5 million listeners per episode, Pod Save America has established itself as one of the most popular political podcasts available today. The show is hosted by four former Obama White House staffers, and has featured a variety of influential Democrats as guests, including Kamala Harris, Elizabeth…Read more...

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Since day one of his orange presidency, Drumpf has wasted no time putting his name on the hard-earned achievements of those before him and chalking those accomplishments up as his own personal successes. We saw this cheap political tactic wielded again this week as the U.S. moved its embassy to Jerusalem, stoking…Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA—Claiming she had been keeping a cautious eye on him from the moment she sat down, local woman Rebecca Marinelli confirmed Thursday that she anxiously reached for her cell phone after a suspicious-looking black man told her the soup of the day was minestrone. “I just didn’t like the look of him, lurking…Read more...

SANTA FE, NM—Stoking readers’ anticipation about the long-awaited Game Of Thrones sequel, best-selling author George R.R. Martin promised fans Thursday that his upcoming novel The Winds Of Winter was nearly started. “I wanted to let everyone know that I’m sitting at my desk with a nice cup of tea, I’ve got a Word…Read more...

North Korea threatened to cancel President Trump’s upcoming nuclear summit with Kim Jong-un Wednesday following a U.S. military drill, though the United States downplayed the likelihood of a cancellation. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Gracing the cover of her magazine for the 218th time since it began publication in 2000, Oprah Winfrey has broken the record for most appearances on the cover of O, The Oprah Magazine, staff at the publication confirmed Thursday. “We always love having Oprah in the office. She just really embodies what this…Read more...

Prince Harry will marry American Meghan Markle on May 19. The Onion provides all the important details you need to know about the royal wedding.Read more...

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LONDON—Reacting with indignation and frustration as her fiancé admitted his continued omission, furious royal bride-to-be Meghan Markle found herself unable to believe Thursday that Prince Harry had not yet informed the royal family that she is, in fact, black. “Jesus, Harry, what the hell? Are you ashamed of me?…Read more...

Tons of liquid chocolate is now hardening on a Polish highway after a delivery truck overturned, creating traffic jams and headaches for cleanup crews. What do you think?Read more...

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GRAND ISLAND, NE—In an effort to ensure their visitor was completely comfortable and conversant with all entertainment amenities, houseguest Brian Heatley was thoroughly briefed Thursday on the TV remote’s “Input 1” and “Input 2” modes and their corresponding effects on the family entertainment system. “Okay, one is…Read more...

An Australian blood donor who has saved 2.4 million lives with 1,172 donations of his rare antibody-containing plasma has retired from giving blood after turning 81—the legal limit in Australia. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In an effort to cut operating costs while still offering consumers the option to make cinema more accessible, cash-strapped ticketing service MoviePass announced Wednesday they would limit new subscribers to a single movie filmed in their CEO’s backyard per month. “We are proud to announce our new pricing…Read more...

Those who tuned into the Eastern Conference finals Tuesday hoping to see the same top-tier basketball that defined game 1 were likely feeling a bit frustrated last night when, without warning, the contest was suddenly brought to a screeching halt. The highly anticipated game 2 matchup between the Boston Celtics and…Read more...

FORT MEADE, MD—Taken aback by the brazen attempt to cripple the U.S. national security apparatus, high-ranking officials at the National Security Agency reportedly spent Wednesday morning scrambling to reestablish the whereabouts of a man who had covered his laptop camera with a piece of electrical tape. “Dammit,…Read more...

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REYNOLDSBURG, OH—Inviting customers to come in and sample their mouthwatering selection of hydrating shea butters, Bath & Body Works announced Wednesday it would now offer free body lotion tastings at each of its over 1,600 retail locations. “Before investing in an entire bottle of one of our moisturizing products, we…Read more...

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Spotify announced that it will no longer promote the R&B singer’s music on its editorial or algorithmic playlists in accordance with its public hate content and hateful conduct policy. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Saying that being featured on the long-running game show was a dream come true, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Wednesday that He was incredibly humbled to be the answer to a Jeopardy question. “Obviously, when I separated the light from the darkness and created all things I wasn’t doing it…Read more...

OXFORD, MI—In the wake of the literary world’s loss of iconic New Journalism writer Tom Wolfe, a report released Tuesday by the New York Review Of Books revealed that John Grisham—the novelist behind such works as The Last Juror, A Time To Kill, and Skipping Christmas—was slowly but steadily climbing the ranks of the…Read more...

The Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that a federal law that has effectively prohibited sports betting outside Nevada is unconstitutional. What do you think?Read more...

FLORENCE, ITALY—Insisting that she never intended for anyone besides her boyfriend to see the explicit images, Venus, the Roman goddess of love and fertility, was reportedly horrified Tuesday upon browsing the internet and discovering millions of nude pictures of herself. “Oh, my God, someone uploaded all these nudes…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Describing the terrifying yet valiant experience to his fellow battalion members, Israel Defense Forces soldier Yossi Saadon recounted Tuesday his harrowing, heroic war story of killing an 8-month-old Palestinian child during a violent attack against protesters. “It was a heart-pounding experience—there was…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Wiping away a tear as he confirmed the public’s worst fears, Israel prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu officially declared a nationwide day of mourning Tuesday for a section of security fence damaged in yesterday’s conflict at the Gaza border. “We must all come together and take the time to grieve for this…Read more...

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‘Titanic’ may be based on a true story, but when it comes to a poor person sketching your nude body, the movie completely abandons any grounding in reality. Here are six things James Cameron’s 1997 epic gets totally wrong about letting a vagrant draw you naked.Read more...

Man-made disasters, ones in which human activity (or inaction) causes or indirectly leads to environmental destruction and health issues, can have devastating long-term effects. The Onion looks back at the worst man-made disasters in modern history.Read more...

BALTIMORE—Marveling at her ability to shed so many preconceptions and societal norms, sources confirmed Tuesday that the pink Baltimore Orioles jersey worn by local 27-year-old Kelly Fournette undoubtedly shows that she is a sports fan, yet at the same time also maintains her femininity. “It is clear that this woman…Read more...

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MIDDLETOWN, NJ—Rattling off reason after reason why his hometown sucked, rock icon Jon Bon Jovi sheepishly told reporters Tuesday that he’s been feeling jealous of a former classmate lately who had managed to make it out of New Jersey. “Michael McCleary, man, that guy bought a one-way ticket out of this shithole and…Read more...

Thirty-two riders at Universal Studios Japan spent two hours stuck atop a 98-foot-tall hill after a malfunction on the Jurassic Park-themed Flying Dinosaur prevented the ride from continuing. What do you think?Read more...

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