The Onion

SAN DIEGO—Powerless to escape the frenzied women who had singled him out, area man Charles Wieland, a frail and solitary bystander, was reportedly targeted Wednesday by a pack of female friends who wanted their picture taken outside a local seafood restaurant. “Can you take our picture?” several of the women asked…Read more...

CANTON, OH—Noting the deep and genuine mutual fondness that fans of pornographic Japanese imagery have displayed in the site’s comments, posts, and private messages, sources confirmed Wednesday that popular hentai message board YourHentaiWorld was home to a surprisingly close-knit and supportive user community.…Read more...

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BOSTON—Claiming that the simple but thoughtful act was an excellent way to rekindle lost love, relationship experts confirmed Wednesday that mailing a body part to an ex on Valentine’s Day was the only way to win them back. “Our research revealed that anyone hoping to successfully reignite an old flame should lop off…Read more...

Barack and Michelle Obama revealed their unorthodox presidential portraits at the National Portrait Gallery, the works of painters Kehinde Wiley and Amy Sherald, respectively. What do you think?Read more...

Americans nationwide are searching for the perfect gifts to symbolize their love for Valentine’s Day. What will you give your significant other?Read more...

NEW YORK—Commending his healthy frame, impeccable lineage, and ability to form light and order from the primordial chaos, judges announced Thursday that Egyptian deity Ra has taken top honors at the 141st annual Westminster God Show.Read more...

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AUSTIN, TX—In a landmark overhaul of traditional curriculum standards, the Texas State Board of Education voted Tuesday in favor of a legislative recommendation that public high schools no longer require teachers to include autoerotic asphyxiation in their health education curriculum. “We stand firm in our belief that…Read more...

As union membership declines, the gig economy continues to grow, and automation becomes an increasing priority, the labor rights movement in the U.S. faces stiff challenges. The Onion presents a timeline of key events in the labor rights movement.Read more...

In a message to patrons, L.L. Bean announced that it would end its long-standing policy of guaranteeing products for life, citing modern business demands and customers exploiting loopholes in the plan. What do you think?Read more...

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BELLEVUE, WA—In an effort to provide customers with a wide selection of shirts, pants, sweaters, and outerwear, retail chain Eddie Bauer announced plans Tuesday to release a brand-new line of brown clothes. “Since we pride ourselves on anticipating our customers’ tastes, we’ve designed this year’s collection around…Read more...

Former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon believes that the “anti-patriarchy” could take down President Trump, and that culture will “never be the same going forward,” according to author Joshua Green. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Claiming the common-sense measure would save untold lives, mayors from 37 major American cities issued statements Thursday in favor of outlawing hollow-point silver bullets after the latest wave of gruesome werewolf slayings. “There is simply no place on our streets for ammunition with the destructive…Read more...

In the second episode of “A Very Fatal Murder,” David conducts preliminary interviews with those connected to the murder of Hayley Price, including chief of police Charlie Jameson and Hayley’s boyfriend Bryan, who is really hot but also––like––interesting––which is so hard to find in someone these days––as well as the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing a deep desire to see an unbelievably gut-wrenching and epic crash, Americans across the country were reportedly praying Monday for a super nasty luge accident. “I’m just hoping we get a chance to watch a guy lose control of the sled, slam really hard into the wall, and then go tumbling down the…Read more...

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LONDON—A new study published this week in the journal Animal Behaviour revealed that house cats only meow when they want to alert their owners that they just witnessed a neighbor’s murder while looking out a window. “Through direct observation and analysis of feline vocal patterns, we were able to confirm that the…Read more...

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NAMPA, ID—In an effort to provide space for the family during their time of mourning, detective James Horton reportedly refused Monday to pry into the circumstances surrounding 28-year-old Allan Lieberman’s murder out of respect for the deceased. “Due to the extremely sensitive nature of this violent incident, I have…Read more...

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EASTON, PA—Dreading the looks on their faces once they realized the recipe was “truly easy as fuck,” local grandmother Rosemary Guzzo, 79, confirmed Monday that she didn’t have the heart to tell her family that any dipshit can make lasagna. “No, I don’t think I can bring myself to do it. They’d be too crushed to find…Read more...

Quentin Tarantino told Vanity Fair that convincing Uma Thurman to perform the stunt that led to her car accident on the Kill Bill: Vol. 1 set was “one of the biggest regrets of his life.” What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON, DC— Citing an overwhelming desire to see a dozen or so identically dressed teenage Korean girls sing close pedal-point harmonies while executing impossibly precise choreography, sources across the nation confirmed Friday they were excited for some completely insane K-pop shit to occur during the opening…Read more...

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ARLINGTON, VA—In what many are calling a long-overdue response to a clear weak spot in the defenses of U.S. military facilities, the Pentagon issued a new series of security guidelines Friday after confirming another group of precocious children had infiltrated a base and rescued an alien friend.Read more...

HOUSTON—Saying the data confirm that the demographic is so awful and mean, a study released Friday by a team of sobbing, red-faced scientists at Rice University found that 100 percent of teenagers are “huge fucking assholes.” “They’re all just jerks and we hate them,” said sniffling lead author Phil Gunnig, who in a…Read more...

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Featuring dazzling visual flourishes, a show of peace with North Korea, and celebrations of South Korean culture, the 2018 Winter Olympics Opening Ceremonies have officially begun. What do you think?Read more...

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far…Read more...

A new NPR/Ipsos poll found that 65% of Americans approve of a legal status for DACA recipients, while a majority oppose building a border wall. What do you think?Read more...

The early trials of the 2018 Winter Olympics have started in the South Korean city of Pyeongchang with ski jumping, alpine skiing, and curling. What do you think?Read more...

ST. PAUL, MN—Expressing an increased confidence in her ability to eliminate unwanted physical contact from her customers, local barista Katie Mantegna confirmed Thursday she is getting better at avoiding the touch of male patrons’ hands when they pay for their beverages. “I have a little move where I drop their change…Read more...

HERSHEY, PA—Touting the treat as perfect for slavering gluttons such as yourself, the Hershey Company unveiled some new chocolate bullshit for you to cram into your fat maw Thursday. “We are proud to announce the release of our new chocolate bullshit, which features multiple layers of wafery detritus dipped in some…Read more...

PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA—Citing safety concerns for both competitors and spectators, representatives from the International Olympic Committee announced Thursday that the 2018 Winter Olympics have been cancelled due to weather conditions being far too cold. “Because of a combination of subfreezing temperatures and the…Read more...

Experiments involving human subjects have contributed significantly to our understanding of human behavior, although many of them have involved controversial ethical quandaries. The Onion provides a look back at history’s most influential psychological experiments.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Noting that millions have already fallen victim to the long-running grift, the FBI warned Monday of the ‘American Dream’ scam. “Reports are coming in all across the country of Americans who were promised great prosperity and success in exchange for a lifetime of hard work, only to find themselves swindled…Read more...

Have you tried wearing a long sleeve, button-down shirt with a small checker pattern on it? That works for some people.Read more...

GEORGETOWN, OH—Following conversations with the Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, and Newsweek, white supremacist Bryan McCafferty was reportedly exhausted Thursday after a long day of interviews with mainstream news outlets. “God, I really want to just get home and sleep, but I still have a sit-down with the …Read more...

Researchers in Japan are experimenting with using an anti-foaming agent found in McDonald’s French fries to help grow hair on mice. What do you think?Read more...

The Pentagon is reviewing potential dates for a military parade after being asked by President Trump to plan an event similar to one he witnessed in France. What do you think?Read more...

FREMONT, CA—Calling his profound feelings of emptiness “almost too painful to bear,” Elon Musk, founder of Tesla, SpaceX, Neuralink, the Boring Company, and a variety of other tech and infrastructure firms, reportedly offered $1.2 billion in grants Wednesday to any project that could make him feel complete. “Even…Read more...

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EWING, NJ—Claiming their latest product will revolutionize the way America does laundry, the manufacturer of OxiClean held a press conference Wednesday to introduce their new stain-removing fabric scissors. “Our OxiCut-brand shears offer a convenient, fast-acting, chemical-free way to get the stubbornest of stains out…Read more...

LONDON—Claiming they wanted a ceremony that reflected who they really are as a couple, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle revealed Wednesday that they were debating between a Hawaiian luau- or X-Files-themed wedding. “At first I thought it would be fun to have a Hawaiian wedding because I love the beach, but Meghan is a…Read more...

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NEWTON, MA—Lamenting that his final moments on this Earthly realm were spent alone with his sister’s “worthless-assed kid,” local man Walter Perkins told reporters Wednesday that his poignant dying words were wasted on his dumb-shit nephew. “Oh, great, I come up with this profound final speech about finding life’s…Read more...

An animal behavioral researcher in Arizona is developing technology that could make dog gestures understandable to humans in less than a decade, helping them comprehend what pet behaviors truly means. What do you think?Read more...