The Onion

NAPERVILLE, IL—Attempting to hide in plain sight amid a wall of unrelated offers and legal qualifiers, the “Join Email List” box in an automatically generated response email had pre-checked itself like the sneaky, conniving corporate fucker that it is, outbox sources confirmed Monday. “Well, well, well, would you look…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In a massive, simultaneous nationwide demonstration of support for white ethnic supremacy, millions of white nationalists gathered in streets and offices around the United States Monday to go about their normal routines. Proponents of the nativist movement that promotes the racial superiority and purity of…Read more...

DUBOIS, WY—Noting the sheer volume and severity of the posted warnings, sources confirmed Monday that signs along U.S. Highway 26 made the upcoming section of road sound pretty badass. “Holy shit, looks like we’re in for sharp curves, switchbacks, and falling rocks all within the next five miles,” said Dan McDonnell,…Read more...

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With 183 female U.S. House nominees and 11 nominees for governorships, the 2018 election will feature the greatest number of female nominees in U.S. history, narrowly beating out the previous record set in 1994. What do you think?Read more...

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ARDÈCHE, FRANCE—Saying that the recently discovered figurative art sheds new light on prehistoric speculative conflict, archeologists working at France’s Chauvet-Pont-d’Arc Cave announced Friday the discovery of a 300-century-old painting of an adult European mammoth squaring off against five sabre-toothed tigers.…Read more...

Michael Cohen is reportedly under investigation by New York federal prosecutor for tax fraud related to his taxi medallion business. What do you think?Read more...

LONDON—While adding multiple new gameplay options and challenging story paths to their retro farming RPG Stardew Valley, developer Chucklefish Limited revealed Friday that an upcoming game expansion would allow players to shoot themselves in the barn after losing their farm to corporate agribusiness. “Stardew Valley’s…Read more...

OMAHA, NE—In support of all those whose bodily fluids have been discriminated against, courageous heterosexual Calvin Woodruff revealed Friday that in order to stand in solidarity with gay men, he has never donated blood to the Red Cross. “I haven’t given an ounce of O-positive in 15 years, and I won’t start until the…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Despite the years of effort and success in lower-level religious practice, a group of professional scouts told reporters Friday that they strongly doubt Tim Tebow will ever make it to heaven. “I know he’s put in a lot of prayers and missionary work, but when it comes to getting to heaven, Tebow just doesn’t…Read more...

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The recent announcement that footage of late actor Carrie Fisher in the upcoming Star Wars film has reignited debate about the ethics of using unused images or reconstructed footage of deceased entertainers in movies, television, and commercials, something that is only likely to increase as imaging techniques improve. …Read more...

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To help local authorities mobilize resources into Charlottesville, VA, Governor Ralph Northam ordered a state of emergency before the anniversary of the deadly Unite the Right white nationalist rally that left one woman dead and several others injured. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Explaining that the numerous bombshells in store would be far too much to attempt to cram into one episode’s worth of filler, Rachel Maddow claimed Thursday that their newly released recording of Representative Devin Nunes would be damning enough to pad out an entire week’s worth of shows. “This is big,…Read more...

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Narrowly avoiding disaster thanks to a split-second maneuver, local driver Michael Rispanti reportedly swerved his vehicle Thursday to avoid a whitetail deer that was standing right in the middle of the Albuquerque Zoo. “Jesus! It came out of nowhere,” said 35-year-old Rispanti, acknowledging that he…Read more...

OXFORD, MS—Saying that they were quickly running out of options, the management at struggling used bookstore Selected Works claim they have taken every measure to ensure customer involvement and increase sales except for taking the drastic step of organizing their books into sections based on subject or genre and…Read more...

SANA’A, YEMEN—In an effort to address what has become a persistent nuisance to citizens, Yemeni officials unveiled Thursday their new 80-story drone zapper. “Hanging this state-of-the-art Drone Zapper above the nation means Yemenis will be able to enjoy themselves outside again and sleep soundly at night without the…Read more...

SAN DIEGO, CA—Admitting that filling the positions had proven far more difficult than expected, a local coed softball team confirmed Thursday that they were struggling to find enough hyper-competitive men to ruin their rec league experience. “We managed to get Derek on the team, who goes ballistic and slams the bat on…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Saying that it was a long-overdue step given the radio show host’s history of offensive and dangerous rhetoric, InfoWars reportedly moved Thursday to ban right wing provocateur Alex Jones from its platform. “Mr. Jones has repeatedly violated our policies against hate speech and misinformation, and so we…Read more...

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In a confidentially settled lawsuit, Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross was accused of stealing $120 million through a complex scheme at his previous investment company. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—The American Sociological Association released a new report Wednesday revealing that letting a stranger bum a cigarette remains the sole act of human compassion still in practice. “Following 16 months of field research, we have concluded that the voluntary sacrifice of a smoke to a person one does not know…Read more...

REDMOND, WA—Touting the new gameplay features available in the upcoming fifth title in the popular fighting series, Nintendo reportedly revealed Wednesday that Super Smash Bros. Ultimate will allow characters to repeatedly punch themselves in the face to freak out their opponent. “The new Smash Bros. will be the most…Read more...

CHICAGO—Noting that his fellow employee constantly engages in the infuriating habit without a thought for anyone around him, local man Robert Mauro told reporters Wednesday his annoying coworker Greg Shapiro insists upon existing right there in Mauro’s visual range. “Jesus, some people are just trying to work…Read more...

LAFAYETTE, LA—Noting that their close friend’s current musculoskeletal structure already provided ample evidence as to where and when certain wrinkles would appear later in life, eyewitnesses to the face of local woman Zoe Campbell, 31, confirmed Wednesday that it was pretty obvious what Campbell would look like old.…Read more...

Netflix’s “Skip Intro” feature has led to concern that opening sequences of television shows, which can be artful, meaningful introductions, could be a dying art. The Onion takes a look at the most compelling and defining opening credits sequences of all time.Read more...

The Catholic Church now formally considers the death penalty “inadmissible” as an attack on the inviolability and dignity of the person and is pledging to work for its abolition worldwide, a shift from its previous position that it could be a force to protect the common good. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE, WA—With responses ranging from “squirming in discomfort” to “completely discouraged from studying science and engineering,” a nationwide poll group of high school-age girls revealed Tuesday that the nation’s young women are being utterly creeped out by scientists twice their age constantly attempting to lure…Read more...

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A new study found that women show more sensitivity to cognitive damage from heading soccer balls than men. What do you think?Read more...

GENEVA—Saying the time to act has come and gone, a group of researchers from the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change warned Tuesday that any hope for the future of humanity now hinges on the possibility that scientists like themselves are simply making all of this up. “After reviewing our climate models and…Read more...

WITTER SPRINGS, CA—Mortified at making such a boneheaded mistake during the largest blaze in state history, embarrassed California firefighters realized Tuesday that they have been spraying flames this whole time. “Aw, jeez, we’ve been using the fire cannons all along? That explains a lot,” said state firefighter Greg…Read more...

CHICAGO—In the wake of gun violence across the city that left 12 people dead over a single weekend, frustrated Mayor Rahm Emanuel was reportedly torn Tuesday between addressing Chicago’s shootings and just fucking going for the title of nation’s murder capital. “Look, things are tough right now, and it’s time for us…Read more...

FAIRFAX, VA—Claiming its finances are in peril following regulatory actions by the State of New York, the National Rifle Association told staff members Tuesday it has been forced to cut operational costs by shooting dozens of the gun advocacy group’s redundant employees. “Faced with difficult financial realities, we…Read more...

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NEW YORK—In an effort to make the biggest impact possible in his 17th season, Carmelo Anthony revealed Tuesday that he thinks he would be a great fit on a team with a general manager who hasn’t been paying close attention the last few years. “The ideal situation for me would be a team that thinks they need that one…Read more...

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AUSTIN, TX—Cautioning against the devastating effects of abandoning the daily regimen of essential vitamins and minerals, radio host Alex Jones warned his fans Tuesday that quitting his supplements cold turkey could lead to homosexuality and Judaism. “Folks, if you miss even one day of your Anthroplex or Survival…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Acknowledging that his recent removal from several major media platforms may be for the best, noted conspiracy theorist and InfoWars host Alex Jones returned to his humble roots Monday screaming conspiracy theories through a megaphone at people in the park. “Although having my show and podcasts taken down…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the widespread repercussions from the act of corporate censorship, first amendment experts warned Monday that Facebook’s decision to ban InfoWars could set a completely reasonable precedent for free speech. “If we allow giant media platforms to single out individual users for harassing the…Read more...