The Onion

SACRAMENTO, CA—Claiming that he had matured and grown into a more refined individual, local 25-year-old Dylan Harkin told reporters Thursday that he was no longer impressed by Mewtwo. “When I was 18, I was still, like, whoa, Mewtwo—but, honestly, there are way stronger Pokémon now,” said Harkin, noting that if you…Read more...

PYONGYANG—Appearing alarmed upon his return from the nuclear summit in Hanoi, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un reportedly panicked Thursday as he walked through the abandoned streets of Pyongyang and realized his nation’s entire populace had managed to escape while he was away. “Shit, shit, shit—I never should have…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Frustrated at their lack of progress in the fields of disposable drinking vessel design and production, engineers at Function Engineering, Inc. confirmed Thursday that they are as yet unable to produce a styrofoam cup without the little center nub sticking out from the bottom. “This team, and dozens of…Read more...

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A feature-length sequel to the popular TV series Breaking Bad is being planned with series star Aaron Paul reprising his role as Jesse Pinkman and series creator Vince Gilligan returning to direct. What do you think?Read more...

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LAWTON, OK—Brought to the brink of tears by the concerned looks in the eyes of a few of his loved ones, Alex Sheehorn, 29, was presented with a serious wake-up call Wednesday in the form of the piss-poor attendance at his intervention. “I walked into my place to find Mom, Dad, and my Aunt Carla standing there, plus…Read more...

Trump met with Kim Jong-un in Vietnam for a summit this week to discuss topics such as denuclearization, dropping sanctions on North Korea, and a potential end to the Korean War. What do you think?Read more...

ROCKFORD, MD—Instinctively exerting his dominance over other potential suitors through aggression and cunning, local teen Tyler Daigle successfully channeled his natural drive to murder sexual rivals into a victory at Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Ah, gotcha! Dude, you totally suck at…Read more...

The use of congestion pricing, an extra charge on drivers for using roads where other public transit options are available, is gaining increasing consideration in New York City and other urban areas, but its detractors say the policies can hurt more than they help. The Onion examines the pros and cons of congestion…Read more...

Thanks to more widespread use of the human papillomavirus vaccine and increased screening rates, cervical cancer could be eliminated as a public health menace by the end of the century. What do you think?Read more...

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Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) promised during a televised town hall to release 10 years’ worth of his tax returns during his campaign for president, setting up a stark contrast between the Democratic frontrunner and President Trump. What do you think?Read more...

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AUSTIN, TX—Expressing his concern that the relationships may be based on obligation rather than real friendship, local man Alec Crawford told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think that the only reason people were hanging out with him was because they were all on the same jury. “Sure, we all get lunch…Read more...

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VATICAN CITY—Hoping to gain new insights into the church’s sexual abuse problem by directly empowering those most likely to become its victims, Pope Francis announced Tuesday that he had elevated a 2-year-old boy to the position of bishop. “We’re confident Bishop Timmy can help us make real, systemic progress in…Read more...

A plan to delay Brexit until 2021 is being explored by the EU’s most senior officials, allowing the United Kingdom to remain as a member state as it negotiates its exit. What do you think?Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Saying it would likely be no big deal to skip her monthly phone call, Rhea Mann, 47, decided Tuesday that after five years, she was allowed to quietly lose touch with paramedic Eric Seversen, who saved the life of her son Brian in 2014. “At first, I’d be sending him flowers for Brian’s birthday or for…Read more...

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The highest honor of the 91st Academy Awards went to Green Book, a film about a tour of the Deep South by African-American pianist Don Shirley and the Italian-American bouncer who served as Shirley’s driver and bodyguard. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Stressing that the smallest details often help to secure an interview, the MLB Players Association advised the league’s remaining free agents Monday to try adding keywords like “baseball” to their resumés. “You’re going to want to use words that stand out to recruiters like ‘throw’ and ‘glove’—you can even…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Still seething with anger nearly 90 years after the announcement, the U.S. populace revealed Monday that they were still outraged that the 1933 Oscar for Best Picture went to historical epic Cavalcade rather than the pre-code comedy Lady For A Day. “Look, Cavalcade was a fine popcorn flick, but better than…Read more...

PROVIDENCE, RI—Casting serious doubt over his commitment, self-professed atheist Edward Horvath came under intense scrutiny Monday after sources revealed that despite ample opportunities, he has never once barged into local churches screaming that the parishioners are all “brainwashed fools.” “This guy fancies himself…Read more...

The Food and Drug Administration warned that there are no proven clinical benefits to infusing a young person’s blood into an older individual, even as the practice has reportedly grown in popularity among some of the nation’s tech entrepreneurs. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Grimacing and tossing a cup of water on his face as the spectators cheered him on, a sweating, exhausted Christian Bale was spotted Sunday evening stumbling past the 13-mile marker on the Oscars’ red carpet. According to witnesses, the panting Bale had completely sweat through his tuxedo as he passed the…Read more...

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Acceptance speeches are a cornerstone of the Academy Awards ceremony and have provided their share of tears, laughter, and controversy over the years. The Onion looks back at the most memorable Oscars acceptance speeches of all time.Read more...

Gathering bishops from across the globe, Pope Francis has communed a summit to address the protection of minors in the Church from the scourge of clerical sexual abuse. What do you think?Read more...

LAWRENCE, KS—Saying they hoped their fresh analysis of fossil evidence would help shed new light on the long-extinct theropod, 50-foot-tall paleontologists from the University of Kansas announced Friday that Tyrannosaurus rex might have been smaller than previously thought. “For decades, scientists have held that T.…Read more...

Sony Interactive boss Shawn Layden predicted a future in which all consoles are united as one, saying that the Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4, and Xbox One all offer “great experiences.” What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Easily spotting what they described as a textbook example of a fabricated crime, members of the Chicago Police Department on Friday credited their own extensive experience falsifying evidence with helping them solve the case of actor Jussie Smollett’s staged attack. “We’ve been doing this sort of thing for…Read more...

SUMTER, SC—Wavering over which of the two activities would be most fulfilling to pursue, local teen Ethan Horne told reporters Friday that he was on the verge of either joining ISIS or getting super into rollerblading. “I’ve been desperately searching for some meaning in my life, and it’s really beginning to look like…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Attributing the gains this morning to them being “just kinda in the mood,” top Wall Street investors confirmed the U.S. stock market soared in early trading Friday after they decided it would be a fun thing to make happen. “Often, you’ll see the S&P 500 rise because of a jobs report or international trade…Read more...

PHOENIX—Finally closing a sordid chapter in team history, representatives for the Arizona Diamondbacks announced Friday that the franchise had settled a civil lawsuit with the offspring of a mourning dove who died after being hit by a Randy Johnson fastball during a 2001 spring training game. “We know this was an…Read more...

The Justice Department is preparing for Robert Mueller to conclude and submit a report of his two-year probe of Russian meddling in the 2016 election as early as next week. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Calling it “a perfect feminine explosive” for any silhouette, Spanx officials announced Friday that the company had launched a new line of smoke bombs for concealing unwanted bumps and bulges. “Whether you’re going out for a night on the town or just getting dressed up for a casual dinner, these new flash…Read more...

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LEANDER, TX—Following delivery of the sealed, handwritten letters to every member of the cast, it reportedly remained unclear Thursday why stagehand Kirk Weiland had composed heartfelt little notes to all the actors who appeared in the Leander Playhouse’s staging of The Sound Of Music. “I think I was introduced to him…Read more...

IRVINE, CA—Realizing his entire presentation deck consisted of little more than the proposed tagline “Twice The Crunch And Twice The Munch,” perspiring CornNuts vice president of marketing Jim Ralston was observed Thursday stammering his way through a pitch for a potential new Taco Bell menu item he termed the…Read more...