The Onion

ITHACA, NY—Confirming long-held suspicions surrounding bipedal commuting, researchers at Cornell University published a study Monday that found stepping forward with one foot, followed by taking the subsequent step with the other foot and then repeating the sequence as necessary, remains the best method of walking by…Read more...

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Special Counsel Robert Mueller is expected to issue findings on core aspects of his Russia probe soon after the midterm elections, including addressing questions of collusion and obstruction of justice. What do you think?Read more...

MILWAUKEE—Emphasizing he was not going to apologize for playing hard, Los Angeles Dodgers shortstop Manny Machado denied that he was a dirty player after a late slide into Corey Knebel on the pitcher’s mound. “I wasn’t trying to hurt him, that was just a normal spikes-first dive into someone’s shin at the pitcher’s…Read more...

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President Donald Trump’s reelection campaign has received more than $106 million for his bid for reelection in 2020, new Federal Election Commission reports show. What do you think?Read more...

STORRS, CT—Shedding considerable light on a previously mystifying aspect of accidental avian death, a new study from the University of Connecticut has found that direct frontal impacts with clouds kill over 5 million birds every year. “Our observations, some of them quite harrowing, demonstrate that controlled,…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Confirming the link between emergency landings and high-stakes brawls on an airplane’s wing, the Federal Aviation Administration released a new study Friday claiming that 64 percent of all jetliner engine failures are caused by henchmen being kicked into the planes’ turbines. “Our data revealed that nearly…Read more...

BOSTON—Hailing the new product as the future of non-hormonal birth control, Mirena announced Friday that it had released the world’s first 10-blade intrauterine sperm shredder. “Mirena’s 30-mm stainless steel sperm shredder is designed to chop gametes into a microscopic spray the second they enter the female uterus,”…Read more...

NEW YORK—Providing insight into the process by which the company creates its wildly successful line of health-oriented snacks, KIND Bar CEO Daniel Lubetzky admitted Friday that company personnel “just sort of find the bars like that.” “Our factory isn’t so much a traditional production facility as it is a…Read more...

SEATTLE—After a search for a new location lasting more than a year, a massive dome was seen descending from the sky and enclosing the whole nation Friday as Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced to a horrified American populace that it was now living inside his company’s second headquarters.Read more...

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OXFORD, ENGLAND—In an uncharacteristically frank and revelatory discussion of his inspirations and creative process, Radiohead frontman and solo artist Thom Yorke admitted Thursday that the vast majority of music he makes is fueled solely by the constant fear of being one-upped by British rock band Coldplay. “When I…Read more...

TULSA, OK—Wondering why nobody bothered to tell him about the far easier alternative this whole time, sprinter Eric Powell admitted Thursday that he feels like a total idiot after finding out about jogging. “Jesus, I can’t believe I’ve been working my ass off, pushing myself to run as fast as humanly possible when I…Read more...

A federal district court judge denied Paul Manafort’s request to wear a suit in court, saying he should wear prison garb just like any other defendant post-conviction. What do you think?Read more...

HINSDALE, IL—Saying the money was already burning a hole in his pocket, lottery ticket holder Frank Cantrell confirmed Thursday that he had preemptively spent $900 million in anticipation of winning the Mega Millions jackpot. “Maybe I got ahead of myself with the yacht and helicopter purchases, but after this weekend…Read more...

SOUTH DEERFIELD, MA—Offering sincere apologies to customers for the misunderstanding, Yankee Candle clarified Thursday that their product has only ever been intended to be dripped on testicles. “I guess we could have put some sort of instructions on the label, but we assumed everyone already knew they were for melting…Read more...

ATLANTA—Informing the more than 150 million Americans affected by the error that the mistake was “totally our bad,” embarrassed officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that they had accidentally switched all 2018 flu shots with samples of HIV. “Oh, god, we really and truly…Read more...

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Starting Wednesday, Canada became the highest-profile country to decriminalize cannabis possession and tax and regulate its sales, opening new markets and helping drive the push in other countries like the U.S. What do you think?Read more...

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Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren released a DNA test that she says proves her claims of distant Native American heritage, although it has drawn scrutiny from Native groups and Republicans. What do you think?Read more...

NAPLES, FL—Noting that the sick colleague had been instructed to “take it easy” and “hang in there,” local brand manager Cassandra Reynolds confirmed Thursday that all of the good sentiments on a coworker’s “get well soon” card were already taken. “Shit, somebody is already sending him good vibes, too,” said Reynolds,…Read more...

CHICAGO—Telling reporters that the additional scrutiny had yielded promising results, authorities confirmed Wednesday that blacklight analysis showed that a velvet poster of a mushroom kingdom looked even cooler than previously imagined. “When placed under ultraviolet light, we quickly discovered that the frolicking…Read more...

Blockchain technology forms the foundation for cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin, Dogecoin, and Ethereum, but it can be difficult to understand how it actually works. The Onion answers common questions about blockchain technology.Read more...

NEW YORK—Noting that it was becoming increasingly crucial for those in high-risk jobs to invest for retirement as early as possible, top financial experts concluded Wednesday that young grifters should begin laying the groundwork for a long con by age 25. “We strongly urge young grifters to put away 10 percent of…Read more...

ARLINGTON, TX—Admitting that the billions of dollars needed to grease the wheels required a joint effort, the Texas Rangers requested Wednesday that taxpayers cover roughly 60 percent of bribes related to the construction of their new stadium. “Between contractors, vendors, and local law enforcement, there’s a lot of…Read more...

Department store giant Sears Holdings will file for bankruptcy, marking a low point for the once-major force in retail. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Discussing how narrative cohesion would be maintained in the new sitcom, the showrunner of the upcoming Roseanne spinoff told reporters Tuesday that he hoped the giant puddle of blood in the set’s kitchen would adequately explain the former main character’s absence. “Sure, we could have had one of the many…Read more...

Roseanne spinoff The Conners premieres Tuesday night, featuring John Goodman, Laurie Metcalf, and the rest of the Conners family pressing on without Roseanne Barr, who was fired from the show earlier this year after posting racist comments on Twitter. What do you think?Read more...

As I look out at the faces surrounding me here today, I am reminded of how much we’ve accomplished in such a short period of time. We’ve driven the creature from our village, chased it back to its moldering castle, and burned that castle to the ground, doing so with no more than a few dozen pugnacious townsfolk. This…Read more...

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For the second year straight, the world’s view of the U.S. has declined. For example, only 39 percent of Canadians now have a favorable view of the United States, down from 65 percent at the end of President Obama’s second term. What do you think?Read more...

ROCKFORD, IL—Saying that the jovial drawing will forever signify their bond of goodwill, local father Gary Ericson confirmed Tuesday that a smiley face doodled on their Buffalo Wild Wings meal check commemorates the undeniable chemistry between their waiter and the Ericson family. “Ever since Jason introduced himself…Read more...

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In a press conference ahead of a meeting with U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman admitted Tuesday that journalist Jamal Khashoggi died during a botched assassination attempt. “We lured Mr. Khashoggi to our consulate in Turkey for what was supposed to be a…Read more...

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SIERRA VISTA, AZ—Looking around in a panic as he realized he had been left all alone, ICE agent Derek Borland was reportedly terrified Tuesday after becoming separated from his team during a raid on an immigrant community. “Where did everyone go? Guys, I’m really scared right now. Anyone? Bobby? Bobby, where are you?”…Read more...

TUSCALOOSA, AL—In an effort to prevent further alcohol-related tragedy, University of Alabama administrators announced plans Tuesday to suspend all lightweights who can’t handle their shit following the hazing death of freshman Delta Kappa Epsilon pledge Matthew Young. “What happened to Matt this past weekend is…Read more...

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NEW YORK CITY—Taking drastic measures to silence their critics, Saudi Arabia reportedly sent assassins to dismember the entire international community Monday as part of an effort to stifle dissent. “At the order of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman, teams of assassination squads were dispatched to all corners of…Read more...

A New York Times report suggests Jared Kushner likely paid little to nothing for millions of dollars in income between 2009 and 2016 by using legal loopholes. What do you think?Read more...

LONDON—Visibly upset as she huddled into her chair and glanced around the Family Planning Association waiting room, a nervous Meghan Markle looked over several informational pamphlets Monday while weighing her options regarding her pregnancy. “I suppose I thought Harry and I would have some more time together as just…Read more...

DENVER, CO—Noting that the pathetic 30-year-old may as well have been invisible to the men around her, sources confirmed Monday that loser woman Kathleen Owens has never inspired even a single bar fight. “Strangely, the sight of Kathleen failed to motivate even a single guy to pick up a pool cue and smash it over the…Read more...

CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—In what is being described as the most ruthless act of bovine–crustacean violence in years, local authorities confirmed Monday that a charging herd of cattle had trampled 49 lobsters to death on the southern coast of Maine, marking a bloody escalation in their surf ’n’ turf war.Read more...

Antarctica, Earth’s southernmost continent, faces numerous threats from climate change, but many people don’t know very much about the isolated area. The Onion looks back at a history of exploration, scientific study, and human activity in Antarctica.Read more...

DUNCANVILLE, TX—Beckoning the boy to come closer so “Nana can feel those washboard abs,” local grandmother Shirley Paulson was reportedly amazed Monday by how fuckable her grandson has gotten since she last saw him. “My, Jackson, you are really growing into quite the grade-A slice of man meat! Ooh, I just want to…Read more...

Washington’s Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty is unconstitutional due to its unequal application depending on race and extenuating circumstances, making it the 20th state to do away with capital punishment. What do you think?Read more...