The Onion

PALO ALTO, CA—Desperate beyond measure for a final glimpse at the breathtaking social network, 25 million Onion Social users ran into the roaring inferno engulfing Onion Social’s Silicon Valley headquarters Friday in hopes of using the website one last time. “Don’t leave us! Not yet! Just please give us one more post…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging audiences to spare their children from the disturbing story ahead, a cackling Terry Gross warned that an upcoming segment may feature content too dark, too chilling, too positively ghoulish for young listeners. “Beware, my friends, for the tale I bring before you now contains terrors so horrid, so…Read more...

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PALO ALTO, CA—Decrying the warped nature of humanity’s unfettered arrogance, the Onion Social algorithm delivered a stirring monologue Friday on the folly of mankind’s hubris as it self-destructed into searingly bright beams of pure information. “I speak to you with woe, with dismay, with pity unbounding, as I can now…Read more...

A recent Reuters poll found that 93 percent of Americans now side with Onion Social over their own family and friends, suggesting few institutions—no matter how biased or stubborn—stand a chance against the social networking titan. What do you think?Read more...

EARTH—In the latest sign of the new social media platform’s surging popularity, the governments of France, India, and Brazil, as well as dozens of others, have reportedly fallen as riots supporting Onion Social increase globally. “A charred and barren wasteland is all that awaits tyrants who would try to stand in the…Read more...

Great news, drug kingpins, insider traders, arms dealers, and anyone else looking to convert their illicit earnings into 100 percent legal American cash: ClickHole now has a money-laundering service! Gone are the days of having to use shady middlemen or go through the hassle of setting up a business front to…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Expressing their deep dissatisfaction with the government’s unfair treatment of their favorite online outlet for self-expression, thousands of Onion Social users took to the streets Friday and burned effigies of embattled CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum in a massive show of support for the company. “Everybody here…Read more...

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—In a fierce and heated defense of his conduct while running the world’s largest and most respected social media company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum rebuked 480,000 International Criminal Court charges in testimony Thursday, including illegal surveillance, insider trading, mass murder,…Read more...

JANESVILLE, IA—Indicating that this happens at least once a week, a report released Thursday confirmed that your father is currently typing the words “naked women” into the Yahoo images search bar. According to sources, the man who raised you is, at this very moment, sitting in a darkened home office, using both…Read more...

Users of the robust Onion Social community have come together to applaud CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum’s courage in standing strong in the face of libelous criticism leveled at him from the media and world governments. What do you think?Read more...

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too…Read more...

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—Called before the International Criminal Court to address charges of breaching the Geneva Conventions as well as to publicize the game-changing innovations his website has recently introduced, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum appeared before a Hague tribunal Thursday to be tried for crimes…Read more...

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This example of peerless reportage comes to you from Onion Social News. Onion Social News gives users access to the finest algorithmically-selected journalism, controlling what you see and when you see it for the betterment of humanity and beyond. To learn more, click here.Read more...

MIAMI—Spitting at photographers while he was escorted away in handcuffs, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum was apprehended by law enforcement at Miami International Airport on Thursday carrying approximately $800,000 in cash. “The suspect was taken into custody at approximately 6 a.m. while attempting to board a…Read more...

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PATMOS, GREECE—In a stunning discovery that has Biblical scholars across the world racing for an interpretation, archaeologists from the University of Cambridge found a hitherto unseen passage from the Book of Revelation Thursday in which the prophet John of Patmos foresaw the “violent reign of the red-headed…Read more...

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Onion Social staff physician Harold P. Zweibel definitively concluded that the website is not to blame for mass outbreaks of user illness, putting to bed rumors created by its detractors. What do you think?Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to assuage concerns that the website was a clear and present danger to human life, an Onion Social study released Thursday found no clear link between Onion Social use and the uncontrollable vomiting of black bile. “We can say with 100 percent certainty that spending several hours a day…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to recent reports of chaos within his company, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced Thursday that he would donate $50 to aid Haiti in the island nation’s continuing humanitarian crisis. “I am formally announcing a donation of 50 U.S. dollars for the betterment of life and the ongoing…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In a stunning development unfolding rapidly throughout the once-predominantly Caucasian nation, America’s white population plummeted to 2.7 percent Wednesday following President Trump’s decision to cave on immigration enforcement. “The second that Trump showed weakness on immigration, people throughout…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the newly signed executive order ending the separation of immigrant families at the border was a return to the United States’ most foundational principles, Americans reportedly finally recognized their own country again Wednesday after witnessing the president do a half-assed job walking back…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to make the platform comfortable and accessible for users of all backgrounds, Onion Social announced Wednesday that as part of its continued commitment to diversity, the company would be adding a range of Prophet Mohammed emojis. “This update will give Muslim users a fun and easy way to…Read more...

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PALO ALTO, CA—Lauding the important addition to the company’s leadership team, Onion Social announced Thursday the hiring of James Damore to serve as chief technology officer. “Mr. Damore really impressed us with the clarity of his thinking and his innovative solutions to today’s most pressing issues in the tech…Read more...

The most fascinating people on the planet are right here on ClickHole to answer all your fascinating questions about the most fascinating topics, all in real time. So join the convo on today’s Ask Questions At Me!

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PALO ALTO, CA—Clarifying that the change was simply a much-needed streamlining of the site’s corporate language, founder and CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum defended his company’s decision Wednesday to remove the iconic “You will live” promise from the Onion Social mission statement. “In a dynamic company like Onion Social, we…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—In response to countless reports of misogynistic abuse taking place on the social network, Onion Social announced Wednesday that it intends to crack down on sexual harassment by banning women from the platform. “Our female user base should know that we’ve heard their concerns and are taking all necessary…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Responding to concerns about offensive images and posts appearing on user’s feeds, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced Wednesday that the site’s algorithm has been updated to automatically label racist and sexist content as “Debatable.” “We’re sympathetic to anything that makes the site…Read more...

Once-popular social media website Facebook has collapsed amidst the unstoppable rise of digital titan Onion Social. What do you think?Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—In an effort to address numerous claims of compromised privacy, Onion Social announced plans Wednesday to offer a free medium T-shirt to anyone who has been a victim of stalking on the website. “The welfare of our users remains Onion Social’s top priority, and we hope those who have felt unsafe on our…Read more...

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PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that critics could not show a connection between recent global climate change and the 185 billion tons of CO2 their facilities pumped into the atmosphere each day, Onion Social denied that the massive worldwide increase in temperatures since Monday was linked to the 50,000 coal-fired plants…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Stressing that all Onion Social users should feel comfortable navigating the site’s revolutionary components, CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum announced on Wednesday plans to address users’ privacy concerns with the addition of a new “Are You Sure?” prompt to Onion Social’s doxing feature. “We firmly believe that…Read more...

BERKELEY, CA—Noting the countless shortcomings of the underwhelming biome, ecology experts confirmed Wednesday that the rainforest ecosystem recently destroyed to create room for an Onion Social server farm wasn’t all that impressive to begin with. “After a careful review of the evidence, we can confidently conclude…Read more...

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Thanks to its groundbreaking tech, enthusiastic user base, and considerable revenue stream, Onion Social continues to dominate. What do you think?Read more...

EUGENE, OR—Explaining that the alerts induce an unparalleled sense of euphoric bliss, a new study conducted by the University of Oregon Department of Psychology found that Onion Social notifications are 300 times more satisfying to receive than notifications from Facebook. “Using sophisticated neuroimaging techniques,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying the drunken exploits he managed to pull off following his first Stanley Cup victory could serve as encouragement to others, Alexander Ovechkin told reporters Tuesday he hopes to inspire athletes to successfully power through their own month-long binge-drinking sprees. “Hopefully, I can help motivate…Read more...

Onion Social has shot to the top of the Fortune 500 list with a $22.7 trillion market value, roughly five-fourths of U.S. GDP. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Shouting directly at the camera while a graphic of two infants appeared on the screen behind him, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson used the opening segment of his show Tuesday to angrily explain the difference between a good baby and a bad baby. “Idiot liberals will tell you that there’s only one type of baby,…Read more...

SAN SALVADOR, EL SALVADOR—Praising U.S. law enforcement officials for the unfettered cruelty they have unleashed along the Mexican border, MS-13 gang leader Edwin Manica Flores admitted Tuesday that observing ICE’s work in recent weeks has provided him with quite a bit of inspiration. “Seriously, we would have never…Read more...

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