The Onion

MONROE, WA—His eyes rolling in his head and his mane tossing as he contemplated the approach of the hulking figure in line at his paddock, Camp Hamilton resident Shetland pony Murph experienced an equine anxiety attack Thursday while waiting for his trainer to flag an unusually large child as being too big for a ride.…Read more...

Apple released three new iPhones at their Wednesday keynote, including a supersized 6.5-inch phone, while doing away with the home button entirely. What do you think?Read more...

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CUPERTINO, CA—Expressing fear that the Silicon Valley giant may be running out of ideas, the nation’s Apple fans expressed disappointment Wednesday after the company once again unveiled the exact same overpriced CEO that barely fucking works. “I’ve come to expect a certain degree of innovation from Apple, but now they…Read more...

Over a million residents of the Carolinas and Virginia have been ordered to evacuate in anticipation of Hurricane Florence. What do you think?Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Saying the new policy was part of the company’s unwavering commitment to consumer relations, Apple announced Wednesday an unprecedented offer that will allow its customers to trade in their old iPhones and, in return, receive absolutely nothing. “If you’re a member of the Apple community with an older…Read more...

Hey now, slow your roll there, chief. I don’t know what you think this is, but there’s no way in hell that you’re dating my little angel until you tell me which ‘Sailor Moon’ character you are first. Now go ahead and get comfortable so we can start this quiz.Read more...

HYANNIS, MA—Officially transferring authority for the duration of his planned absence, area man Will Lewis deputized his friend to order him another beer while he went to the restroom, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Hey, grab me another drink if the bartender comes back around,” said Lewis during a brief ceremony in…Read more...

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Luke and Owen Wilson may be most well-known for their acting, but a cursory look at their Venmo feeds suggests that they’ve been up to a whole lot more than just movies. Here are seven Venmo transactions that make it seem like the two brothers have been practicing dentistry on each other.Read more...

TUCSON, AZ—While discussing the long-sought secrets of luminous, blemish-free skin, dermatologist Dr. Risa Helene strongly recommended Wednesday that patients commit to a routine of not caring so much what other people think. “The best treatment out there—far healthier than vitamin-rich creams or clinically tested…Read more...

DHAKA, BANGLADESH—Attempting to shake her thoughts regarding the horrific possibilities of the textile manufacturing industry, sweatshop worker Shanta Banek told reporters Wednesday that she doesn’t even want to know the working conditions of the facility where her company sources the fabric for their garments. “I…Read more...

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CLEVELAND, OH—Fearing their friends and family members might not understand or accept the unconventional origin of their relationship, Margot Bradley and Josh Ezdon confessed their apprehension over divulging that they had met online in the comments section of a YouTube video titled “Ironing Your Shirts - STEP BY…Read more...

An MIT study found that a vast increase in nuclear power generating capacities will be needed to make the steep carbon emissions cuts necessary to stave off global warming. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Working around the clock to prepare for the Category 4 storm heading toward the Carolina coast, officials at the Federal Emergency Management Agency confirmed Tuesday they were frantically writing the apologies they will issue for screwing up their response to Hurricane Florence. “This is going to be big,…Read more...

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SEATTLE—Expressing some reservations about allowing the defense instant, unfettered access to the backfield, Russell Wilson asked the Seahawks Tuesday to modify a read-pass-option play where he’s immediately tackled by six players after receiving the snap. “I’m happy to run whatever the coaching staff draws up, but I…Read more...

One of the most anticipated games of the year just arrived on the PS4, an open-world exploration game that allows you to sightsee around New York City. The game’s vast detailed re-creation of the Big Apple is incredible, but sadly ruined by the game’s completely unrealistic addition of a spider-themed crimefighter.Read more...

BRISTOL, CT—Offering a rare behind-the-scenes glimpse into his decision-making process, ESPN fantasy football expert Matthew Berry admitted Tuesday that he just drafts fantasy players whose names he recognizes. “When putting together my perfect fantasy lineup, it can be hard to keep track of so many players I don’t…Read more...

A recent survey of crashes by autonomous cars in California found that the vast majority were caused by human—rather than machine—error, suggesting a failure on the part of these cars to accommodate the failings of actual drivers. What do you think?Read more...

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PORTLAND, OR—Reluctantly acknowledging that he would soon need to go out of his way to strike up conversations with the seventh-grader, Stoller Middle School janitor Charles DeWalt had already deduced Tuesday that he was going to have to befriend transfer student Jackson Clancy. “This is the third day in a row he’s…Read more...

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GREENVILLE, NC—Struggling to understand what about the video with 104 views necessitated the drastic measure, sources confirmed Tuesday that the ability to leave comments had been mysteriously disabled on a 32-second YouTube clip called “Watch Sparrow in my backyard.” “Jesus Christ, why did RokrDad67 think people…Read more...

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NEW YORK—A team of suspicious experts watching you thoughtlessly handling something they intuitively know you are not interested in buying released a report Tuesday confirming that’s expensive, please put it down. The report stressed that what you are so carelessly tossing back and forth from hand to hand is not for…Read more...

The number of Americans filing for unemployment aid fell to near a 49-year low last week, setting the stage for the Fed to raise interest rates later this month. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In an effort to mentor their next generation of corporate talent, CBS representatives announced Monday that the company would be retaining the services of former CEO Les Moonves in a smaller sexual-predator-at-large role. “We want to provide Les with a certain amount of freedom so he can just harass on his…Read more...

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—Standing firm in his commitment to the historic property amid mounting apprehension over the approach of Category 4 Hurricane Florence, Myrtle Beach resident Dennis Brock told reporters Monday he refused to evacuate from his family’s ancestral Ron Jon Surf Shop. “I don’t care what the government tries…Read more...

CHICAGO—In a new study released Monday by Northwestern University, researchers found that 83 percent of marathon spectators only attend to relish the sick thrill of watching their fellow man suffer. “Analysis revealed that the guilty pleasure of watching a group of exhausted, miserable human beings painfully push…Read more...

Almost half of young adults between the ages of 18 and 29 deleted the Facebook app from their phone in the past year, suggesting the social media giant continues to lose its grip on that demographic. What do you think?Read more...

DALLAS—Insisting that every law enforcement official in America would have done the exact same thing if put in her situation, Dallas officer Amber Guyger claimed Monday that anyone could have mistaken a black man’s apartment for a dangerous firearm. “Listen, when your instincts kick in and your adrenaline is pumping,…Read more...

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SANTA MARIA, CA—Completely floored by his new appearance, sources at Pioneer Valley High School confirmed Monday that, whoa, their classmate Jeremy Lucas got totally hideous over the summer vacation. “Holy shit, Jeremy got super vile over the summer,” said Kimberly Stockton, 16, adding that she never really noticed…Read more...

In 1998, the Red Hot Chili Peppers were in a state of crisis. Their 1991 multi-platinum album Blood Sugar Sex Magik had transformed them into global superstars, but since then they had parted ways with guitarist John Frusciante and turned out the critically and commercially disappointing follow-up One Hot Minute with…Read more...

India’s highest court ruled that a 160-year-old law banning sex “against the order of nature” amounted to discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, effectively decriminalizing homosexuality. What do you think?Read more...

HEAVEN—Condemning the heretical rejection of His divine will by a blasphemously underweight mankind, God declared Himself furious toward every person not actively striving to become as fat as possible off the divine bounty He has provided for His people upon the Earth. “This is the land of milk and honey, and also of…Read more...

LAKE WORTH, FL—Preparing to denounce football as a dangerous sport that takes advantage of athletes as soon as he could determine his favorite team had no hope of making the playoffs, local Dolphins fan Brad Abbott announced Sunday that he was going to check out the first couple games of the season before declaring a…Read more...

Former Vice President Joe Biden has given himself a deadline of January 2019 to decide on whether to run for president. What do you think?Read more...

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The New York Times published an opinion piece from an anonymous White House senior official criticizing President Trump and noting many members of his administration are working to “thwart parts of his agenda and his worst inclinations.” What do you think?Read more...

PARIS—Expressing immense pride that the nearly 130-year-long construction project had come to an end, French architects held a press conference Friday to announce that the Eiffel Tower had finally been completed. “After countless delays in construction, we are pleased to announce that the Eiffel Tower’s original…Read more...

ROCHESTER, NY—In what researchers deemed “a total slog from start to finish,” a new study published Friday by the University of Rochester confirmed that this didn’t even feel like a four-day work week. “Despite initial rest and rejuvenation that came with having Monday off, our research found that everybody got…Read more...

NEW YORK—Growing increasingly anxious as tempers flared on the crowded platform, Metropolitan Transportation Authority planning director William Wheeler was reportedly too nervous Friday to tell commuters waiting for their train that service shut down permanently an hour ago. “Oh, God, I just don’t have the nerve to…Read more...

NEW YORK—Breaking into a grotesque, flapping half-run as his knees reversed themselves and pinion feathers burst wetly from his elongating fingers, rapidly deforming National Audubon Society president David Yarnold leapt through a window of his Manhattan office and flew in a series of ungainly swooping lurches towards…Read more...