The Onion
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| Updated | 2025-07-03 21:16 |
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3DECZ)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3DC8D)
Hawaiians were alarmed after the Emergency Management Agency accidentally sent out a message warning them of an inbound missile, which administrators say was caused by an employee selecting the wrong option in a dropdown menu for an internal test. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3DBQK)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide students with at least a modicum of supervision in the afternoon, the Department of Education on Monday announced a new nationwide after-school program specifically aimed at keeping children off the streets for an additional 45 minutes. “This initiative will offer a safe environment…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3DBHN)
VICKSBURG, MS—Acknowledging that she hadn’t finished what she was saying in quite some time, family sources confirmed Monday that local mom Debra Garrison has not spoken a full, uninterrupted sentence to her family since 1997. According to witnesses, despite regularly contributing to conversations throughout the past…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3DBF3)
JACKSON, MS—Squandering the fresh and largely intact remains for no apparent reason whatsoever, sources reported Monday that a perfectly good body was cremated. “It’s a shame to see a nice corpse like this go to waste,†said mortician Ron Vidal, placing into the cremation chamber what he thought, despite missing a few…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3DBF4)
CRANBURY, NJ—Saying that a place had no business calling itself a Pizza Hut unless it had all the normal stuff, local motorist Ed Coleman was reportedly annoyed Wednesday to find an abridged menu after stopping at the New Jersey Turnpike’s Molly Pitcher Service Plaza. “What the fuck? I only did this exit because I…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3D46E)
AMARILLO, TX—The sufficiency of its funds mysteriously defying any rational explanation, a miracle paycheck received a week ago by local woman Jennifer Callahan, 27, somehow lasted seven whole days, according to sources. “It was just one check, but every day when I went to look, there was still some money left,†a…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3D146)
HARTFORD, CT—Startled and unsure how to respond to the wholly unexpected remark, local man Caleb Borden was reportedly blindsided Thursday when a stranger and otherwise normal-seeming person suddenly told him to “have a blessed day.†“Here I am talking to someone I think is just a typical, ordinary guy, and then he…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3CY0X)
SACRAMENTO, CA—Caught off guard by both the volume and vigor with which the distinctive speech pattern was being rendered, sources confirmed Wednesday that the audiobook narrator of James Lee Burke’s Heaven’s Prisoners was really going for broke with his Cajun accent. “Wow, he’s not pulling any punches, is he?â€â€¦Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Sports, shared by Ryan Shattuck t on (#3CXTX)
ST. MUCUS—Expressing concern that the team might choose to relocate if a deal were not struck by the end of the offseason, Mutant Hockey League officials were reportedly pessimistic Friday that the owners of the St. Mucus Ooze would reach an agreement with the city to publicly finance a new arena.Read more...
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by By Anthony Kiedis on (#3CTPV)
In the Peppers’ 35 years of existence, we’ve gone through a lot of changes: guitarists, hairstyles, producers, record labels—the list goes on. What can I say? It’s been a hell of a ride, but here it is, 2018, and we’re still bringing you the funk. Through the years, we’ve never for a moment forgotten all the times we…Read more...
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3CTKM)
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to ensure the federal benefit program is not taken advantage of, a new regulation announced Tuesday will require all organisms facing extinction to actively search for a new habitat in order to receive funding for their protection under the Endangered Species Act. “Effective immediately,…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3CTCH)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3CQ6B)
CHICAGO—A groundbreaking new study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Medical Association has found that goosebumps appear on the skin when a mentally unhinged weirdo is, at that very same moment, masturbating to an old photograph of you. “After poring over the evidence, we’ve discovered that the…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3CQ6C)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3CQ6D)
CINCINNATI—Reacting immediately to the sudden noise, surprised local woman Fran Copeland confirmed Monday that whoa, her vacuum cleaner just got ahold of something really big underneath the couch. “Oh, man, whatever just got sucked up into there must have been huge,†said the visibly startled 28-year-old, explaining…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3CQ3A)
LONDON—In a discovery that sheds new light on the civilization’s cultural practices, researchers at University College London presented evidence Monday that suggests ancient Egyptians never went to see the pyramids unless they had guests in from out of town. “Recently unearthed papyrus rolls dating from 2400 B.C.…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3C4M6)
GREENVILLE, NC—Noting that the celestial body’s return to this position in space demanded more personal accountability, sources confirmed Monday that the Earth’s successful completion of an orbit around the sun inspired local woman Vivian Turner to reflect on her eating habits. “Now that the planet I live on has…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3C3YT)
WASHINGTON—Fooling themselves into believing things were going to be turning around, delusional sources reported Friday that 2018 will be the year it’s all going to fall into place. “No ifs, ands, or buts about it, everything is finally going to come together in 2018,†said Liam Thomas of Margate, FL, echoing the…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3C2C6)
BROOKLYN, NY—Wearing a brand-new dress while carefully applying her makeup for the evening, local single woman Kelly Duval was reportedly getting all dolled up Sunday to watch a room full of people make out this New Year’s Eve. According to sources, Duval was going to great lengths to create big, bouncy curls in her…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3BNG7)
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by jmdavid on (#3BNGB)
In a year where the news media fell under escalating criticism for fabrication, The Onion’s unparalleled reportage and sterling journalism revealed the core truth of 2017: That every other news organization is, indeed, lying to you. They are lying to you and, moreover, they believe you are the sort of gullible fool…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3BMN3)
The Defense Department has been investing $22 million per year into investigating unidentified flying objects, a New York Times report found, contradicting government statements that the program was shut down in 2012. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3BMEQ)
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by Ryan Shattuck on (#3BFK8)
Twitter began banning violent or abusive user accounts this week, including several notable white supremacists and leaders of the far-right. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3BFK9)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3BFKA)
NORWICH, CT—Saying he might very well be the one, area woman Bethany Han told reporters Friday that she could imagine spending her whole life in uncomfortable silence with the man she was currently on a first date with. “I know we just met, but there’s something about Bill that makes me feel like I could awkwardly sit…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3BFKB)
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by Ryan Shattuck on Local, shared by Ryan Shattuck to on (#3BFKC)
HAVERHILL, MA—Doing his best to mask his disappointment that the package didn’t contain the cable-knit cashmere sweater he’d had his heart set on, local child Max Campbell reportedly spared his uncle’s feelings Friday by pretending to like the Xbox One X he received as a gift. “Thanks, Uncle Joe, I’ll definitely get a…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3BFKD)
According to a list compiled from leaked user data, this year’s most popular passwords include several perennial favorites such as “football,†as well as new passwords such as “starwars†and “iloveyouâ€. What do you think?Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3BFKE)
NEW YORK—Citing the limited household budgets of many young married couples, a new report published Friday estimates that more Americans than ever this Christmas will be forced to sell a gold watch inherited from their father in order to buy a set of fine combs for their wife’s beautiful hair. “Wages have remained…Read more...
by Ryan Shattuck on (#3BFKF)
In a breakthrough in biomedicine, the FDA has approved a gene therapy for inherited blindness. What do you think?Read more...